Courage the Cowardly Dog (1999) Episode Scripts

Fishy Business-Angry Nasty People

1 - (STATIC) - We interrupt this program to bring you Courage the Cowardly Dog show! - Starring Courage, the Cowardly Dog! - (COURAGE SCREAMS) Abandoned as a pup, he was found by Muriel, who lives in the middle of Nowhere with her husband Eustace Bagge.
- (EUSTACE GRUNTS) - But creepy stuff happens in Nowhere.
- It's up to Courage to save his new home.
- (SCREAMING) Stupid dog! You made me look bad! - (EUSTACE YELLS) - (COURAGE SCREAMS) (COURAGE BABBLING) (SIGHS) I've got a special treat.
- What's that? - Sushi! Raw fish.
Eh! Lousy, stinking raw fish.
(SCREAMS) (BARKING FRANTICALLY) Ooga-booga-booga! (SCREAMS) (LAUGHS) (KNOCKING ON DOOR) I wonder who it could be at this hour.
(SCREAMING) I am a missionary fish, a fishionary, and I represent the official organization of Deeply Moral Fish.
And (CLEARS THROAT) Might I trouble for a glass of water? No trouble at all.
I am here to offer you the opportunity to return from whence you came.
Ooh, Scotland! I haven't seen Uncle Ron in ages.
I ain't paying for no trip.
There's no cost.
Works for me.
(BARKING FRANTICALLY) Of course you can come, Courage.
I have my van waiting right over here.
(ENGINE REWING) (EUSTACE SNORING) (MURIEL SINGING) (GASPS) MAN: Victor-Echo, clear to land.
Where's my peanuts? They're making these airport terminals spiffier and spiffier every year.
Ah! (SCREAMING) (LAUGHS) EUSTACE: What's Eh? Oh! Where's my peanuts? Is this Nowhere International Airport? No, Air-Breather.
This is the undersea tribunal to educate and re-educate land-dwelling yokels.
I don't see what any of this has to do with going home to Scotland.
You are not going to Scotland.
But you said I was going back to "from whence I came".
Yes.
Yes, indeed.
You are going back from whence you came, from whence all life came.
The sea! The sea.
The sea.
The sea.
You got peanuts? Huh? Uh! (SCREAMING) (BOTH SCREAMING) (ALL GRUNT) Your Scalinesses, I have observed the ways of these land-walkers and have found them to be highly uncivilized.
(GRUNTS OF DISAPPROVAL) Wearing shoes, sipping tea, blinking.
It gets worse.
Using household appliances, sitting for extended periods, watching the noise-and-picture machine.
- The television? - Where's the television? And worst of all, imprisoning fish for their own amusement! (JUDGES GRUNTING) We cannot ignore such vile behavior.
Your Puffinesses, I petition the court to pronounce these three guilty.
Oh, my! It is the finding of this tribunal That the accused are frighteningly uncivilized And, therefore, must be found - JUDGES: Guilty! - (GAVELS BANGING) Oh, my! - They shall - Be sentenced To be civilized in JUDGES: The bowl.
(JUDGES LAUGHING) (SCREAMS) Watch where you're going, you fool! (SCREAMS) But we can't breathe underwater.
Ow! What the (GROANS) These temporary gills will allow you to breathe underwater until you become fully civilized and grow gills of your own.
(ALL SCREAM) I hate Scotland.
- I don't think I'm quite suited to this.
- (CLANKING) This Scottish TV stinks.
Huh? (SCREAMS) (BARKING) No! Hmm.
(SCREAMING) (SCREAMS) Ugh! (OCTOPUS SCREAMS) (GROWLING) (OCTOPUS GRUNTS) (STRAINING) (OCTOPUS STRAINING) (ENGINE REWING) (GRUNTING ANGRILY) (TIRES SCREECHING) (GASPING) (COURAGE BABBLING) (SCREAMS) (GASPS) (BABBLES) (TELEVISION PLAYING) (DISAPPROVING MURMURS) (GASPS FOR BREATH) - Are you all right? - Yeah, yeah.
Release the humans.
We have bigger fish to fry! (BOTH GRUNTING) (GASPING FOR BREATH) Retrieve the Fishionary.
Clearly she has fallen prey to un-civilization and must be re-civilized.
- (WHIPPING) - Take her to JUDGES: The bowl! Hey! My toaster pizza's almost ready and my favorite show is coming on! I think I'm getting pruney.
That must be a good sign.
Eh! I'm hungry! (LAUGHS MANIACALLY) Movie's a dog.
I thought it was gorgeous.
Mmm-hmm.
Mmm (GASPS) (LAUGHS) Yes.
(BLOWS NOSE) (SNICKERING) (GRUNTS) Hey, watch where you're going, rotten, rotting, hippie beatnik! Now, that's nasty.
I'm Benton Tarantella, the greatest director who ever lived.
I thought you looked familiar.
How'd you like to star in my new television show, Angry Nasty People? What's it pay? Oh! You play characters who are angry and nasty.
How about mean and rotten? Also good.
Courage, this'd be a chance for me to practice playing against type.
(WHINES) Let's try an acting exercise.
- I want you to make that waitress cry.
- (GASPS) But that would be so mean.
Yes.
Oh.
Hey Your toast is soggy! (CHUCKLES) I feel so naughty.
It's a start.
Let me show you how it's done.
Hey! - (SNICKERING) - (SCREAMING) You want some relish with that? (LAUGHS) Eustace! That's so mean.
Yes, it's perfect.
More.
Give me more.
Hey, stupid dog's now a stupid hot dog! - (LAUGHING) - (SCREAMING) (WHIMPERS) It's okay.
It's only acting.
I think.
Oh, yes.
The camera loves your nastiness.
Merry Christmas.
(LAUGHS MANIACALLY) (EUSTACE LAUGHS EVILLY) - Ooga-booga-booga! - (SCREAMING) Ow! Brilliant! Brilliant! Now make the dog feel like a curdled puddle of pig milk.
I seen better-looking mutts come in last at the ugly-dog contest.
Yes.
Yes.
Keep going.
The camera wants your nastiness.
- Feed the camera.
- (SNICKERS) You got a face that could crack a sink.
(WHINES) (CAMERA TINKLING) Stupid dog! (LAUGHS) BENTON: And cut.
You art stars take a break.
I'm getting a little refreshment.
This is so exciting.
I must ring my sister Dorothy and tell her we're going to be on the telly.
I tell you, Lazzo, Angry Nasty People is gonna be a big, big hit.
Huge.
And the real star of the show should be here very soon.
- Yes, very, very soon.
- (CAMERA GROWLING) (GASPS) (BARKING FRANTICALLY) You're absolutely right, Courage.
I should play it nastier.
(WHINES) I know.
In the next scene, I'll hit him with this.
Okay, actors.
Back to work.
(SIGHS) Stupid dog.
Idiot dog.
(LAUGHS) I don't want to sound like I'm (HUFFING) I'm complaining, but Eustace is sure getting lots of screen time.
(WINDMILL CREAKING) This is so exciting.
I can't wait to see what we look like on TV.
Okay, this is kind of rough.
But I think you'll get the idea.
(SNICKERS) (LAUGHS) - (LAUGHING) - (AIR BLOWING OUT) - Hey, this is pretty good.
- (COURAGE SHIVERING) Oh, it gets even better.
How could it get better than that? I should explain.
This is no ordinary camera.
It's been recording your true essence.
And now I'd like you to meet my greatest character, the real star of Angry Nasty People.
(ZAPPING) I don't think our telly's ever done that before.
Our telly's definitely never done that before.
(LAUGHING EVILLY) (SCREAMS) Say hello to our star, Mr.
Nasty.
The living embodiment of all the farmer's nastiness.
Hi.
Or, in your native language (MIMICKING MONKEY) Say, you're not bad.
We're going live in five, four, three, two (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) (LAUGHS) - Heh? - (GASPS) - Hello, idiots.
- ((AUDIENCE LAUGHING) I'm home.
(CHEERING) You're all lousy bean heads.
(LAUGHS) You fools! You can't grow hair.
You can't grow plants.
The only thing you can grow is stupider.
I told you it would be a hit, Lazzo.
Double my salary.
And I want my own massage therapist with gentle hands.
Pardon me, Mr.
Tarantella.
But I think we'd like to retire from showbiz.
Mmm-hmm.
Retire? You crazy? I'm getting rich.
Rich.
Rich! - Worthless losers! - (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) (LAUGHS) - Stupid, ugly, worthless losers.
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) (LAUGHS) Idiot, jerk, stupid, ugly, worthless losers.
Look, Mommy! It's the stupid, ugly, worthless losers! - (BOTH LAUGHING) - Oh Stupid, dumb, stupid, idiot stupids! Toadstool! Slug! Lousy sack of week-old haggis! Please, stop him.
I don't take orders from an extra.
This show has one nasty star.
And what the nasty star wants, the nasty star gets.
Hmm! Yay! (STRAINING) Yay! I'm a toadstool, a slug.
You're a frog of a woman.
- I'm a frog of a woman.
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) - (GROWLS) - (AUDIENCE OOHS) - And another thing.
You - Now, that's nasty.
Yes.
I love it.
The world loves it.
This is the nastiest thing ever.
AUDIENCE: (CHANTING) Dump her.
Dump her.
Dump her.
Dump the fool! Oh, Courage, this is just what I deserve.
No one's nastier than you, dog.
You're a star.
A big, big star.
Hey, Mr.
Director, I'm the star.
We got a better star than you.
What's Eh? I don't have to put up with this.
- I got a better offer.
- (AUDIENCE APPLAUDING) Hey, Mr.
Nasty! Where're you going? You're my meal ticket.
(GROWLING) What? What? (SCREAMING) Now, this is nasty.
(BLUBBERING) Real nasty.
(CHEERING) Ah, Courage, you saved us from a life in showbiz.
I was worn down to a frazzle, I was.
Let's watch a wee telly.
You're stupid and ugly.
- I hate you.
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) Let me have it, big boy.
Give me your best shot.
Your agent hates you, too.
He just negotiated you a great big pay cut.
- What? - (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) And your agent's taking 95%.
(SOBBING) Stupid farmer! BENTON: Oh, yes.
(THEME SONG) EUSTACE: Stupid dog! English - SDH March 2017