Curb Your Enthusiasm s01e02 Episode Script
Ted and Mary
Very nice! You were saying? - All right, so that means you need - I need a spare to win.
Okay, Larry, you need a spare, this is for the team.
- How about that! - Please, don't humiliate me.
- All right.
- You gonna do that little wiggle step again? That was cute.
I'm not gonna count this if I hear any talking at all.
I think he's mad.
All right, here we go.
No! - Nice work.
- Very good.
You know what we should do? I want change, that's $20.
We should invite - We have an idea.
- This weekend we're going to go listen to Paul Simon.
We have the luxury box.
- Come join us, it's fun.
- It's gonna be a great concert.
Really? - No, that sounds great.
- We'll think about it.
I don't know if I can spend another evening with these people.
He's paying you money, though.
- You owe me $10.
- Okay.
- Need my shoes.
- Thank you.
- You were surprised.
- I was very surprised.
I didn't know you were such a talented- - You thought I'd choke on that last ball.
- Yes.
- You surprised me, pleasantly surprised me.
- Thank you.
- How was it, did you have fun? - Yeah.
- Thank you.
- Those aren't mine.
No, they gotta be.
They're not my shoes.
Yeah, they were in your slot.
No, my shoes are brown and they have sort of tan laces.
- They gotta be here.
- Looks like a sneaker.
Right, yeah, come on, take a look.
They're here, they gotta be here.
You ready? - See, these were yours.
- They don't have my shoes.
- Are you serious? - You sure these aren't them? - What are these here? - They were in his slot, but your shoes - Can't find your shoes? - No.
Brown shoes, they had tan laces.
- They have, like, bubbles on the soles.
- On the sole.
- It looked like a soccer shoe.
- Yeah, I know.
They were right next to yours.
I put them up there by mistake.
- Guy took them.
- Oh, my gosh.
What about his shoes? Wear those.
Are these his shoes? Here's what to do.
Here, hold on.
Write down your name and number.
What kind of guy would take somebody else's shoes? A guy that has these shoes.
Write down your number.
I'll call you immediately when I see them.
- Does this happen to you a lot? - Yeah, it does.
Can I give you, like, 10 free passes? Do you guys bowl a lot? - Yes, go for the passes.
- We'll be happy to take them.
- I don't think we'll be back for a while.
- I can give you the passes.
All right, if he shows up, call me.
I will call you the second anyone calls, or he comes.
Okay.
Want to go for a walk? You were so helpful throughout my little ordeal.
That was fun.
And we managed to get a Paul Simon concert out of it.
- Can you believe that? - I can't believe it.
They invited us to see Paul Simon at the luxury box.
I must've made quite an impression tonight to get that Paul Simon invitation.
Your bowling skills were shining through.
Was that Friday or Saturday? - That's Friday.
- It is? - I heard him tell Mary that it was Friday.
- You heard him say it? - Yeah.
- Okay, good.
- They are so cute.
- What a great couple.
And so fun.
I wonder if they thought that we were a good couple? We were a good couple tonight, don't you think? - We presented ourselves really nicely.
- Why aren't we a good couple? - We were fun.
- Are they saying we're a good couple? - They have to be.
- That would be nice.
- But they really are, they're a great couple.
- Really like them.
- She's really great.
- Yeah.
- I really love her, she was terrific.
- Yeah, she was really great.
- Him, I can kind of take him or leave him.
- I like him.
He's a little strange.
Why? Everything's heaven with him.
The piece of gum he had, "Oh, this is heaven.
" Had to taste a chocolate bar.
"I'm in heaven.
" The parking space is "heaven.
" It's all "heaven.
" He's a very happy guy.
He enjoys things.
You didn't hear any of this but he asked lots of questions about my personal hygiene, too.
I'm not gonna even tell you what they were but really personal.
He's a little off, I think.
- Yeah, but he's so fun.
- Yeah, he's okay.
I don't really know what she sees in him, but It must be hell living with Ted Danson.
That's got to be hard.
- She's really terrific, though.
- Yeah, she is.
What a beautiful person, not only on the outside but she really has an inner beauty, didn't you think? And it just kind of radiates? The shame is that I could never be friends with her, you know? - Why couldn't you be friends with her? - Because she's a woman.
She's married.
I'm a married man.
I'd love to have a cup of coffee with her or something.
But you can never do that because society frowns on relationships between men and women like that.
Well, don't let me stop you, I mean- If we're gonna be making friends with them I'd just as soon be friends with her.
You can be friends with him.
And you could get the personal hygiene questions, okay? All right.
- And how about that Clinton stuff? - Yeah.
When she talked about Clinton.
She knows Clinton and Hillary.
She's great.
Hello? Mar'! Good morning! No, we were gonna call you.
Yeah, it was fantastic.
What a great time.
Heaven, it was heaven.
He does? That's interesting.
No, the whole thing.
By the way, I still have his $10.
No, you tell him I'm gonna give it I'm gonna give it back to him, don't worry about it.
What are you doing today? Really? Going shopping at Barneys.
You know, I could use a couple of things, actually.
I don't have any sweaters at all, and What time? It's a little drab, I think.
It looks a little drab.
- Hi, Lar'! - Hi! This is so great! This is my momma, from Arkansas.
This is Anne, this is Larry.
- Hello.
- Hello, how are you? - Good, Arkansas, I've never been there.
- You must come.
I don't think They don't let me into certain states, actually.
Why not? I'm incorrigible.
You know what? I have some pull there.
- I used to know the governor.
- Your daughter knows the governor? We both did, yes.
I am so impressed that you would come shopping.
What, are you kidding? I love to shop.
You love to shop? You're the only man I know who loves to shop.
- This is great.
- Your daddy certainly didn't! - This is a nice item you've got here.
- I got this at Barneys.
I got this last week.
I bet they still have this.
This is a man's jacket.
I love buying men's jackets.
This is a very nice item, this thing.
It's a half-jacket, half-shirt.
- You don't know what it is.
- I couldn't help but overhear.
- I happen to have one right here.
- You are good.
- They are good at Barneys.
- I bet you're a 42.
See, Barneys salespeople, they're practically psychic.
You're good.
You are very good.
- I'm going to insist that you buy this.
- This is interesting, isn't it? It's like a shirt and a jacket.
- I think it's me.
- It's beautiful on you.
- You don't mind us having the same coat? - I would be so honored.
Twins.
So, Lar', did you like the silk Giorgio blouse or no? More than liked, I loved it.
Are you sure? Because I couldn't tell when I put it on.
There was something in your eyes.
No, I thought it was perfect on you.
Look at this.
Shoes.
You know what? I should replace the shoes from the bowling alley.
Maybe they'll have them.
I'm looking for a pair of shoes.
They're brown Okay, they look like a soccer shoe, almost.
You don't know their brand name? They've got black bubbles on the bottom.
I bet you're talking about Campers.
- That's exactly what they are.
- Okay, let me go see if I can find them.
That's the name of the brand.
What about that blue shirt I had with the zippered- Lovely.
- You don't think the sleeves go out too far? - No, you look so buff in it.
- No, honey, you're handsome in that.
- Really? - Sir, excuse me.
Is this the shoe? - Yeah, that's it.
I hope that you're a 9.
No, I'm an 11.
We don't have it in anything but a 9 right now.
So, I'd be happy to order it for you.
It would take a couple of days.
- All right.
- Is that okay? I'll need some information from you.
Come with me, please.
I am so blown away by how amazing were you today at Barneys.
I've never seen a man take to shopping the way our Larry took to shopping.
I love to shop.
I've never known a man who loved to shop.
I'm exhausted from picking up those shopping bags.
I can't even lift my sandwich.
Your wife must be very proud of you.
- No, she's not.
- She's not? - Not even a little bit.
- She is, too.
Cheryl adores you.
- I love to shop, you know what else? - What? - Cook.
I shop and I cook.
- You don't cook, Larry.
- I'm the double-header.
- Mary, you should have married this man.
Let me tell you something.
Nothing gives me more pleasure than cracking an egg.
Nothing.
I'll make you some omelets.
I will flip you out.
You cook? That is so sexy.
- Mary! - I'm sorry.
- We're friends, I can say that.
- No big deal.
I know, I'm sorry.
I'm just very old-fashioned about that kind of No, Larry, honey, that's my water.
Excuse me.
Hi, I'm in here! Where're you going? - What have you got there? - Went to Barneys.
I can see that.
- I needed some stuff, so - A new jacket? Yeah.
You like it? It's interesting, don't you think? It's like half-jacket, half-shirt.
I've never seen you with shopping bags before.
What made you decide to go shopping? I was in the kitchen this morning reading the paper and Mary called.
And she said she was going to Barneys and I thought, what the hell, I needed some stuff, so I met her there.
You just went shopping with Mary? She called up to talk about last night, actually and what a great time she had, and I told her we had a great time.
- She says hello.
- Okay.
And I don't know, she just mentioned she was going shopping and the next thing I knew, I said, "All right, I'll go.
" That's bizarre, don't you think? Why? I've never been able to get you to go shopping before.
- I'll go shopping.
- No, you won't.
Any time you want to go shopping, you let me know.
I've asked you before.
Maybe when you asked me, I had something to do, I don't know.
You want to go, let's go! - Not now, you don't need anything now! - Yes, I do.
I could use some socks and underwear and stuff.
I've gotta buy a belt.
I've had this belt a long time.
I should have got that today.
Also, her mother was there, too.
I forgot to mention that.
- Mary's mother? - Very nice woman from Arkansas.
Very nice.
Who the hell's that? - Who is it? - Hey, Cheryl.
- It's Ted.
- How are you? - Good, how are you doing? - I'm good, thanks.
- What's going on? - You and Mary switched bags at Barneys.
This one's yours.
Okay.
She must have my turtleneck.
- I got it, I think it's in the trunk.
- That's a nice jacket.
- Mary's got the same one.
- Really? Yeah, matter of fact, I think she wore it today.
I didn't notice that.
Where are we, out here? See you, good to see you, Cheryl.
What a day.
Heaven, just heaven.
So, a shopping spree with the girls, Larry? Where were you? You should've come.
- We had a great time.
- I kind of figured you more as a sports guy.
Maybe you just figured wrong.
Yeah, that's nice.
No, we'll go to a ballgame some time.
- That'd be fun, I'd like that.
- Great.
- See you.
- Paul Simon.
Right, you know what? Call Mary first, figure out what to wear.
I gotta go.
Did Ted Danson or Mary Steenburgen call? No.
Okay, but, and I'm not sure this means- They invited us to this concert for Friday.
It's Wednesday, it's plenty of time, right? - If they call by tomorrow, you're fine, right? - Yeah.
Can you figure this out? Louis from the bowling alley called and he said to call back right away.
- What's that? - The guy must be in with my shoes.
What shoes? - Larry, glad you're here.
- Right here, that's the guy.
- Those are your shoes, right? - Yeah.
- Is he a tough guy, this guy? - No, go ahead, I'm here.
You watch this, okay? - Don't leave your post.
- I'm right here.
- Nice shoes.
- Thanks.
I think they're mine.
- You're kidding.
- No, they're my shoes.
- They're your shoes? - Yeah.
- How can they be your shoes? - How can they be? Because that guy gave them to you by mistake the other day.
That's weird.
What's weird? That he would give me those shoes? No, that's not weird.
What's weird is that you would put them on.
It's not weird that he would give me these shoes? No, that's a mistake.
- They're not mine and he gave them to me.
- Yeah, that's an honest mistake.
What's weird is that you'd take shoes that don't belong to you and put them on.
Or even weirder that you left without even your shoes.
That's not that weird, I had nothing else to wear.
That would be, that'd be kind of weird.
No, that's gonna be weird for you now, after I get the shoes back.
- You want them back? - Yeah, I do.
- They're comfortable shoes.
- I know they are.
He gave them to me.
What was he thinking? - He's a little nutty, isn't he? - Yeah.
- He's a little crazy.
- He's just a little crazy.
- Those are comfortable shoes.
- I'm glad you liked them.
Crazy, Jesus.
- Hi, remember me? - Sure do.
- Yeah, the shoes? - I know the ones.
- How'd you do? - Perfect.
- Good.
- I used desalter liquid with a scrub brush and then I used a deodorizer spray.
- They smell like new shoes.
- No kidding.
- All fumigated? - Perfect.
So, I can wear them? All safe? - Yeah, enjoy them.
- Thanks.
I'm gonna put them on.
Please, do.
Listen to this: Smokey got me floor seats to Paul Simon.
- You're kidding, really? - Yep.
That's great.
I still haven't heard from Ted and Mary.
We don't know where to go where to pick up the tickets, we don't know anything.
- It's Thursday and I'm concerned.
- Want me to call them? Hi, I'm the salesman from Barneys, Danny.
- You ordered shoes.
- The shoes! - How you doing? - Good.
They haven't come in yet, but as soon as they do - Those are Campers.
- Yeah, what happened was - You're still coming in to get- - Let me tell you what happened.
- Somebody took my original shoes- - I don't need to hear the whole story.
You're coming in to purchase the shoes, though, right? I don't really need the shoes now because I got them back at the bowling alley.
You asked me to waive the deposit and I did that for you.
You looked like an honest person and I trusted your face.
He is an honest person.
He's very honest.
- This doesn't concern you.
- I haven't done anything dishonest.
I don't need the shoes anymore.
That's not dishonest.
Sir, you asked a favor of me and I helped you out but as long you're taken care of, I guess that's all that really matters.
No, that's not what's all that really matters.
I mean, do you want me to buy two pairs? What should I do? No, I work on commission, okay? So, now I'm put in a bad situation.
All right? I'm stuck with these shoes.
And so, I can't even- How much is the commission? I'll pay it.
That is so insulting.
How dare you? That's not a "How dare you.
" What do you mean, dare? I'm not dare- - I am not a shoe whore.
- I didn't accuse you of being a shoe whore.
I'm trying to rectify the situation.
You cannot buy your way out of this situation.
- People like you are the problem.
- I'm the solution.
I'm the solution to the problem, okay? This is outrageous, it really is.
What kind of people invite you to go to a concert and then they don't call you? It's 4:30 p.
m.
Maybe we should call them.
Do you know how awkward that is? They know they invited us to the concert.
They're obviously deliberately not calling.
How could I call them up and go, "We're waiting for your call.
" And then they'll say, "Well, we don't want to go with you.
" At least lie to us.
- Right, something.
- Call us and lie.
- Don't let us sit here like schmucks.
- Yeah.
A lie is a gesture, it's a courtesy.
It's a little respect.
This is very disrespectful.
Why would they decide that they don't want to go with us? - I don't know.
- Didn't we all have a good time bowling? - Was that fun? That was fun.
- Yeah.
That was a good time.
Did we do something to offend them? What? After Barneys the other day, we went out to lunch.
Right.
And I took a sip from a glass of water.
And her mother said to me, "That's my glass.
" And I went Like that.
I can't believe you're even acting like you don't know why we're not invited.
- I didn't think of it.
- Unbelievable.
Of course they're not gonna call us.
Mary's mother? What's wrong with you? - I really wanted to go to that concert.
- So did I, I like Paul Simon.
Still crazy after all these years Still crazy after all these years Socialize Familiar ways And I ain't no fool for love songs that whisper in my ears Still crazy after all these years Hi, how are you? - Good, I'd like to return this, please.
- What seems to be the problem? You know, it's kind of half-jacket, half-shirt, half-man, half-beast.
- I don't know.
- It looked so great on you the other day.
Excuse me.
No, sir, no, I'm sorry.
We will not be accepting that from you.
Why, what are you talking about? Why not? I know your little game, and I'm not playing it.
There's no game! What do you mean? I haven't worn this.
I only wore this in the store the day I bought it.
I did a favor for you, and you messed me over once.
- I won't let it happen again.
- When did I mess you over? I don't know what you're talking about.
- You're so innocent.
- I'm not diabolical, you think I'm diabolical? I don't want to hear about it, okay? Here's the thing: I did a favor for you and you walked over me.
I didn't even wear this thing.
I should be allowed to return this.
- It is ridiculous.
- Larry? - How are you? - Good, how you doing? Just fine.
- What are you doing here? - I had a little zipper problem.
It's okay.
- Were you at that concert last night? - Yes.
I mean, the box was entirely full.
- Is that so? - Yes.
Did Ted or Mary say anything about me? I don't think anybody mentioned your name.
- Is that right? - Yeah.
- It wasn't even mentioned at all? - I didn't hear anybody say anything.
- Where's Mary? - She's right over there.
Mrs.
Steenburgen! How weird to run into you at Barneys again.
- Yeah.
- What have you got? I've got a zipper problem.
I was gonna bring it over there.
I thought you were taking it back.
I was gonna say, are you crazy? - I love this thing.
- It looks so great on you.
Yeah, I love that.
- Can I ask you a question? - Yeah.
Cheryl and I were You invited us to the concert and then never called us about it.
The Paul Simon concert? You're coming with us tomorrow night.
We're counting on you being there.
Sunday night? We thought it was last night.
No, we went last night.
He's playing three nights, Friday, Saturday, Sunday.
We were gonna go two nights, Friday and Sunday.
We're fans.
And we wanted you to come Sunday night.
- You thought that we'd forgotten you.
- I thought that.
I can't believe it.
We would never do that.
Tomorrow night.
- So you're going on Sunday? - So are you.
- Are you going? - I hadn't planned to go.
No, you're coming.
- She's coming.
- You're coming, Mom.
Momma, you have to come.
All right, okay.
Where's Ted and Mary? Bill and Hillary flew in this morning and this evening was the only time they could all get together.
They said to tell you they were sorry and they'll call you tomorrow.
Where's your wife? Allen and Pam from Philadelphia, her cousins, flew in.
So she couldn't come.
I guess it's you and me, huh? Guess so.
Okay, Larry, you need a spare, this is for the team.
- How about that! - Please, don't humiliate me.
- All right.
- You gonna do that little wiggle step again? That was cute.
I'm not gonna count this if I hear any talking at all.
I think he's mad.
All right, here we go.
No! - Nice work.
- Very good.
You know what we should do? I want change, that's $20.
We should invite - We have an idea.
- This weekend we're going to go listen to Paul Simon.
We have the luxury box.
- Come join us, it's fun.
- It's gonna be a great concert.
Really? - No, that sounds great.
- We'll think about it.
I don't know if I can spend another evening with these people.
He's paying you money, though.
- You owe me $10.
- Okay.
- Need my shoes.
- Thank you.
- You were surprised.
- I was very surprised.
I didn't know you were such a talented- - You thought I'd choke on that last ball.
- Yes.
- You surprised me, pleasantly surprised me.
- Thank you.
- How was it, did you have fun? - Yeah.
- Thank you.
- Those aren't mine.
No, they gotta be.
They're not my shoes.
Yeah, they were in your slot.
No, my shoes are brown and they have sort of tan laces.
- They gotta be here.
- Looks like a sneaker.
Right, yeah, come on, take a look.
They're here, they gotta be here.
You ready? - See, these were yours.
- They don't have my shoes.
- Are you serious? - You sure these aren't them? - What are these here? - They were in his slot, but your shoes - Can't find your shoes? - No.
Brown shoes, they had tan laces.
- They have, like, bubbles on the soles.
- On the sole.
- It looked like a soccer shoe.
- Yeah, I know.
They were right next to yours.
I put them up there by mistake.
- Guy took them.
- Oh, my gosh.
What about his shoes? Wear those.
Are these his shoes? Here's what to do.
Here, hold on.
Write down your name and number.
What kind of guy would take somebody else's shoes? A guy that has these shoes.
Write down your number.
I'll call you immediately when I see them.
- Does this happen to you a lot? - Yeah, it does.
Can I give you, like, 10 free passes? Do you guys bowl a lot? - Yes, go for the passes.
- We'll be happy to take them.
- I don't think we'll be back for a while.
- I can give you the passes.
All right, if he shows up, call me.
I will call you the second anyone calls, or he comes.
Okay.
Want to go for a walk? You were so helpful throughout my little ordeal.
That was fun.
And we managed to get a Paul Simon concert out of it.
- Can you believe that? - I can't believe it.
They invited us to see Paul Simon at the luxury box.
I must've made quite an impression tonight to get that Paul Simon invitation.
Your bowling skills were shining through.
Was that Friday or Saturday? - That's Friday.
- It is? - I heard him tell Mary that it was Friday.
- You heard him say it? - Yeah.
- Okay, good.
- They are so cute.
- What a great couple.
And so fun.
I wonder if they thought that we were a good couple? We were a good couple tonight, don't you think? - We presented ourselves really nicely.
- Why aren't we a good couple? - We were fun.
- Are they saying we're a good couple? - They have to be.
- That would be nice.
- But they really are, they're a great couple.
- Really like them.
- She's really great.
- Yeah.
- I really love her, she was terrific.
- Yeah, she was really great.
- Him, I can kind of take him or leave him.
- I like him.
He's a little strange.
Why? Everything's heaven with him.
The piece of gum he had, "Oh, this is heaven.
" Had to taste a chocolate bar.
"I'm in heaven.
" The parking space is "heaven.
" It's all "heaven.
" He's a very happy guy.
He enjoys things.
You didn't hear any of this but he asked lots of questions about my personal hygiene, too.
I'm not gonna even tell you what they were but really personal.
He's a little off, I think.
- Yeah, but he's so fun.
- Yeah, he's okay.
I don't really know what she sees in him, but It must be hell living with Ted Danson.
That's got to be hard.
- She's really terrific, though.
- Yeah, she is.
What a beautiful person, not only on the outside but she really has an inner beauty, didn't you think? And it just kind of radiates? The shame is that I could never be friends with her, you know? - Why couldn't you be friends with her? - Because she's a woman.
She's married.
I'm a married man.
I'd love to have a cup of coffee with her or something.
But you can never do that because society frowns on relationships between men and women like that.
Well, don't let me stop you, I mean- If we're gonna be making friends with them I'd just as soon be friends with her.
You can be friends with him.
And you could get the personal hygiene questions, okay? All right.
- And how about that Clinton stuff? - Yeah.
When she talked about Clinton.
She knows Clinton and Hillary.
She's great.
Hello? Mar'! Good morning! No, we were gonna call you.
Yeah, it was fantastic.
What a great time.
Heaven, it was heaven.
He does? That's interesting.
No, the whole thing.
By the way, I still have his $10.
No, you tell him I'm gonna give it I'm gonna give it back to him, don't worry about it.
What are you doing today? Really? Going shopping at Barneys.
You know, I could use a couple of things, actually.
I don't have any sweaters at all, and What time? It's a little drab, I think.
It looks a little drab.
- Hi, Lar'! - Hi! This is so great! This is my momma, from Arkansas.
This is Anne, this is Larry.
- Hello.
- Hello, how are you? - Good, Arkansas, I've never been there.
- You must come.
I don't think They don't let me into certain states, actually.
Why not? I'm incorrigible.
You know what? I have some pull there.
- I used to know the governor.
- Your daughter knows the governor? We both did, yes.
I am so impressed that you would come shopping.
What, are you kidding? I love to shop.
You love to shop? You're the only man I know who loves to shop.
- This is great.
- Your daddy certainly didn't! - This is a nice item you've got here.
- I got this at Barneys.
I got this last week.
I bet they still have this.
This is a man's jacket.
I love buying men's jackets.
This is a very nice item, this thing.
It's a half-jacket, half-shirt.
- You don't know what it is.
- I couldn't help but overhear.
- I happen to have one right here.
- You are good.
- They are good at Barneys.
- I bet you're a 42.
See, Barneys salespeople, they're practically psychic.
You're good.
You are very good.
- I'm going to insist that you buy this.
- This is interesting, isn't it? It's like a shirt and a jacket.
- I think it's me.
- It's beautiful on you.
- You don't mind us having the same coat? - I would be so honored.
Twins.
So, Lar', did you like the silk Giorgio blouse or no? More than liked, I loved it.
Are you sure? Because I couldn't tell when I put it on.
There was something in your eyes.
No, I thought it was perfect on you.
Look at this.
Shoes.
You know what? I should replace the shoes from the bowling alley.
Maybe they'll have them.
I'm looking for a pair of shoes.
They're brown Okay, they look like a soccer shoe, almost.
You don't know their brand name? They've got black bubbles on the bottom.
I bet you're talking about Campers.
- That's exactly what they are.
- Okay, let me go see if I can find them.
That's the name of the brand.
What about that blue shirt I had with the zippered- Lovely.
- You don't think the sleeves go out too far? - No, you look so buff in it.
- No, honey, you're handsome in that.
- Really? - Sir, excuse me.
Is this the shoe? - Yeah, that's it.
I hope that you're a 9.
No, I'm an 11.
We don't have it in anything but a 9 right now.
So, I'd be happy to order it for you.
It would take a couple of days.
- All right.
- Is that okay? I'll need some information from you.
Come with me, please.
I am so blown away by how amazing were you today at Barneys.
I've never seen a man take to shopping the way our Larry took to shopping.
I love to shop.
I've never known a man who loved to shop.
I'm exhausted from picking up those shopping bags.
I can't even lift my sandwich.
Your wife must be very proud of you.
- No, she's not.
- She's not? - Not even a little bit.
- She is, too.
Cheryl adores you.
- I love to shop, you know what else? - What? - Cook.
I shop and I cook.
- You don't cook, Larry.
- I'm the double-header.
- Mary, you should have married this man.
Let me tell you something.
Nothing gives me more pleasure than cracking an egg.
Nothing.
I'll make you some omelets.
I will flip you out.
You cook? That is so sexy.
- Mary! - I'm sorry.
- We're friends, I can say that.
- No big deal.
I know, I'm sorry.
I'm just very old-fashioned about that kind of No, Larry, honey, that's my water.
Excuse me.
Hi, I'm in here! Where're you going? - What have you got there? - Went to Barneys.
I can see that.
- I needed some stuff, so - A new jacket? Yeah.
You like it? It's interesting, don't you think? It's like half-jacket, half-shirt.
I've never seen you with shopping bags before.
What made you decide to go shopping? I was in the kitchen this morning reading the paper and Mary called.
And she said she was going to Barneys and I thought, what the hell, I needed some stuff, so I met her there.
You just went shopping with Mary? She called up to talk about last night, actually and what a great time she had, and I told her we had a great time.
- She says hello.
- Okay.
And I don't know, she just mentioned she was going shopping and the next thing I knew, I said, "All right, I'll go.
" That's bizarre, don't you think? Why? I've never been able to get you to go shopping before.
- I'll go shopping.
- No, you won't.
Any time you want to go shopping, you let me know.
I've asked you before.
Maybe when you asked me, I had something to do, I don't know.
You want to go, let's go! - Not now, you don't need anything now! - Yes, I do.
I could use some socks and underwear and stuff.
I've gotta buy a belt.
I've had this belt a long time.
I should have got that today.
Also, her mother was there, too.
I forgot to mention that.
- Mary's mother? - Very nice woman from Arkansas.
Very nice.
Who the hell's that? - Who is it? - Hey, Cheryl.
- It's Ted.
- How are you? - Good, how are you doing? - I'm good, thanks.
- What's going on? - You and Mary switched bags at Barneys.
This one's yours.
Okay.
She must have my turtleneck.
- I got it, I think it's in the trunk.
- That's a nice jacket.
- Mary's got the same one.
- Really? Yeah, matter of fact, I think she wore it today.
I didn't notice that.
Where are we, out here? See you, good to see you, Cheryl.
What a day.
Heaven, just heaven.
So, a shopping spree with the girls, Larry? Where were you? You should've come.
- We had a great time.
- I kind of figured you more as a sports guy.
Maybe you just figured wrong.
Yeah, that's nice.
No, we'll go to a ballgame some time.
- That'd be fun, I'd like that.
- Great.
- See you.
- Paul Simon.
Right, you know what? Call Mary first, figure out what to wear.
I gotta go.
Did Ted Danson or Mary Steenburgen call? No.
Okay, but, and I'm not sure this means- They invited us to this concert for Friday.
It's Wednesday, it's plenty of time, right? - If they call by tomorrow, you're fine, right? - Yeah.
Can you figure this out? Louis from the bowling alley called and he said to call back right away.
- What's that? - The guy must be in with my shoes.
What shoes? - Larry, glad you're here.
- Right here, that's the guy.
- Those are your shoes, right? - Yeah.
- Is he a tough guy, this guy? - No, go ahead, I'm here.
You watch this, okay? - Don't leave your post.
- I'm right here.
- Nice shoes.
- Thanks.
I think they're mine.
- You're kidding.
- No, they're my shoes.
- They're your shoes? - Yeah.
- How can they be your shoes? - How can they be? Because that guy gave them to you by mistake the other day.
That's weird.
What's weird? That he would give me those shoes? No, that's not weird.
What's weird is that you would put them on.
It's not weird that he would give me these shoes? No, that's a mistake.
- They're not mine and he gave them to me.
- Yeah, that's an honest mistake.
What's weird is that you'd take shoes that don't belong to you and put them on.
Or even weirder that you left without even your shoes.
That's not that weird, I had nothing else to wear.
That would be, that'd be kind of weird.
No, that's gonna be weird for you now, after I get the shoes back.
- You want them back? - Yeah, I do.
- They're comfortable shoes.
- I know they are.
He gave them to me.
What was he thinking? - He's a little nutty, isn't he? - Yeah.
- He's a little crazy.
- He's just a little crazy.
- Those are comfortable shoes.
- I'm glad you liked them.
Crazy, Jesus.
- Hi, remember me? - Sure do.
- Yeah, the shoes? - I know the ones.
- How'd you do? - Perfect.
- Good.
- I used desalter liquid with a scrub brush and then I used a deodorizer spray.
- They smell like new shoes.
- No kidding.
- All fumigated? - Perfect.
So, I can wear them? All safe? - Yeah, enjoy them.
- Thanks.
I'm gonna put them on.
Please, do.
Listen to this: Smokey got me floor seats to Paul Simon.
- You're kidding, really? - Yep.
That's great.
I still haven't heard from Ted and Mary.
We don't know where to go where to pick up the tickets, we don't know anything.
- It's Thursday and I'm concerned.
- Want me to call them? Hi, I'm the salesman from Barneys, Danny.
- You ordered shoes.
- The shoes! - How you doing? - Good.
They haven't come in yet, but as soon as they do - Those are Campers.
- Yeah, what happened was - You're still coming in to get- - Let me tell you what happened.
- Somebody took my original shoes- - I don't need to hear the whole story.
You're coming in to purchase the shoes, though, right? I don't really need the shoes now because I got them back at the bowling alley.
You asked me to waive the deposit and I did that for you.
You looked like an honest person and I trusted your face.
He is an honest person.
He's very honest.
- This doesn't concern you.
- I haven't done anything dishonest.
I don't need the shoes anymore.
That's not dishonest.
Sir, you asked a favor of me and I helped you out but as long you're taken care of, I guess that's all that really matters.
No, that's not what's all that really matters.
I mean, do you want me to buy two pairs? What should I do? No, I work on commission, okay? So, now I'm put in a bad situation.
All right? I'm stuck with these shoes.
And so, I can't even- How much is the commission? I'll pay it.
That is so insulting.
How dare you? That's not a "How dare you.
" What do you mean, dare? I'm not dare- - I am not a shoe whore.
- I didn't accuse you of being a shoe whore.
I'm trying to rectify the situation.
You cannot buy your way out of this situation.
- People like you are the problem.
- I'm the solution.
I'm the solution to the problem, okay? This is outrageous, it really is.
What kind of people invite you to go to a concert and then they don't call you? It's 4:30 p.
m.
Maybe we should call them.
Do you know how awkward that is? They know they invited us to the concert.
They're obviously deliberately not calling.
How could I call them up and go, "We're waiting for your call.
" And then they'll say, "Well, we don't want to go with you.
" At least lie to us.
- Right, something.
- Call us and lie.
- Don't let us sit here like schmucks.
- Yeah.
A lie is a gesture, it's a courtesy.
It's a little respect.
This is very disrespectful.
Why would they decide that they don't want to go with us? - I don't know.
- Didn't we all have a good time bowling? - Was that fun? That was fun.
- Yeah.
That was a good time.
Did we do something to offend them? What? After Barneys the other day, we went out to lunch.
Right.
And I took a sip from a glass of water.
And her mother said to me, "That's my glass.
" And I went Like that.
I can't believe you're even acting like you don't know why we're not invited.
- I didn't think of it.
- Unbelievable.
Of course they're not gonna call us.
Mary's mother? What's wrong with you? - I really wanted to go to that concert.
- So did I, I like Paul Simon.
Still crazy after all these years Still crazy after all these years Socialize Familiar ways And I ain't no fool for love songs that whisper in my ears Still crazy after all these years Hi, how are you? - Good, I'd like to return this, please.
- What seems to be the problem? You know, it's kind of half-jacket, half-shirt, half-man, half-beast.
- I don't know.
- It looked so great on you the other day.
Excuse me.
No, sir, no, I'm sorry.
We will not be accepting that from you.
Why, what are you talking about? Why not? I know your little game, and I'm not playing it.
There's no game! What do you mean? I haven't worn this.
I only wore this in the store the day I bought it.
I did a favor for you, and you messed me over once.
- I won't let it happen again.
- When did I mess you over? I don't know what you're talking about.
- You're so innocent.
- I'm not diabolical, you think I'm diabolical? I don't want to hear about it, okay? Here's the thing: I did a favor for you and you walked over me.
I didn't even wear this thing.
I should be allowed to return this.
- It is ridiculous.
- Larry? - How are you? - Good, how you doing? Just fine.
- What are you doing here? - I had a little zipper problem.
It's okay.
- Were you at that concert last night? - Yes.
I mean, the box was entirely full.
- Is that so? - Yes.
Did Ted or Mary say anything about me? I don't think anybody mentioned your name.
- Is that right? - Yeah.
- It wasn't even mentioned at all? - I didn't hear anybody say anything.
- Where's Mary? - She's right over there.
Mrs.
Steenburgen! How weird to run into you at Barneys again.
- Yeah.
- What have you got? I've got a zipper problem.
I was gonna bring it over there.
I thought you were taking it back.
I was gonna say, are you crazy? - I love this thing.
- It looks so great on you.
Yeah, I love that.
- Can I ask you a question? - Yeah.
Cheryl and I were You invited us to the concert and then never called us about it.
The Paul Simon concert? You're coming with us tomorrow night.
We're counting on you being there.
Sunday night? We thought it was last night.
No, we went last night.
He's playing three nights, Friday, Saturday, Sunday.
We were gonna go two nights, Friday and Sunday.
We're fans.
And we wanted you to come Sunday night.
- You thought that we'd forgotten you.
- I thought that.
I can't believe it.
We would never do that.
Tomorrow night.
- So you're going on Sunday? - So are you.
- Are you going? - I hadn't planned to go.
No, you're coming.
- She's coming.
- You're coming, Mom.
Momma, you have to come.
All right, okay.
Where's Ted and Mary? Bill and Hillary flew in this morning and this evening was the only time they could all get together.
They said to tell you they were sorry and they'll call you tomorrow.
Where's your wife? Allen and Pam from Philadelphia, her cousins, flew in.
So she couldn't come.
I guess it's you and me, huh? Guess so.