Dan Vs. (2010) s03e05 Episode Script
The High School Reunion
"Hail hail the mighty owls standing loyal and true.
" (whistles the melody) "Rah rah - (owl hoots) Whoo whoo whoo.
" My old jersey! Chris, good, you're home.
Take this.
I need your fingerprints on it.
What? Why? That's between me and the Department of Agriculture.
Is that your high school jersey? Yeah, I think it shrunk while it was in storage.
What is this junk? A year book, stack of report cards Are you planning a bonfire? Just taking a little stroll down memory lane.
Tonight's the class reunion.
And you intend to go? Of course.
There's going to be a big party in the school gymnasium.
Elise is eager to meet my old pals.
Chris, reunions are for ex-prom queens and aging muscle- heads who want to wallow in their past glories.
Not for normal people like us who hated high school.
That might've been your experience Dan, but I loved it.
I was involved in so many activities I earned dozens of participation ribbons.
Delude yourself if you must, but I endured the same four years you did, and I wouldn't be caught dead commemorating them at some vapid social.
Hey, wait a minute.
I was in your high school class.
No one sent me an invitation.
Really? Hmmm I guess they didn't want me there.
B-but why?? I'm sure it was an oversight.
Oh, don't sugar coat it, Martha Sunshine! I know when I've been snubbed.
HIGH SCHOOL REUNION!!!! Dumb.
Stupid.
Reunion party.
Dan, stop that! Honestly, I don't understand why you're upset.
Ten seconds ago, you didn't want to go to the reunion.
It's the principle.
This is the same clique-ish, exclusionary behavior we were subjected to in high school.
No N--N-Not that! It's my framed photo of the school mascot.
I used to have this hanging on the wall.
I wonder-I wonder why Elise made me take it down? It's a puzzlement.
You know, Dan I bet you didn't get an invitationbecause they didn't have your address.
You've moved at least six times since high school sometimes in the middle of the night.
Don't make excuses for their bourgeois, social darwinism.
These people- Dan, you know how I would normally stand here and nod while you rant for an hour? -- I can't do that today.
I have to go to the barber and get spiffed up for the reunion.
(crash) Hey! (mr.
mumbles) schmerow? No, Mr.
Mumbles, this is more than ennui.
(mr.
mumbles)meows.
Let it go? I spent my teenage years constantly ridiculed.
Then I'd get to school and it was even worse.
Hey not too short.
And Can you make me look a little more successful around the ears? (cellphone rings) Hello.
Uh Chris, you went to all the pep rallies in high school, right? Why, yes I did! Pep was always a priority.
Well, then you'd know the exact volume in cubic feet of the school gymnasium.
Yes, I would! The basketball court is 84 feet long by 50 feet wide, then add the area for the bleachers and multiply -- Wait, wait, why, why do you want to know? I'm not at liberty to say But if you insist on going to that stupid reunion, I suggest you bring an oxygen mask and some neoprene gloves.
Dan, I'm looking forward to this reunion and I would really preferred if no one ended up dead.
Why are you defending those people?! Don't you remember when your underwear was strung up the flagpole, or your gym shoes filled with tapioca, or when your head was swirled in the toilet? Yes, Dan, I remember.
You did those things to me.
Irrelevant! Now listen, on your way to the reunion, I need you to pick up five canisters of liquid nitrogen.
Dan -- And not that second-rate generic stuff.
I want brand-name icy goodness.
"Freeze King," or "Snowball's Chance.
" (frustrated sigh) (pleasant, relaxed sigh) (cellphone rings) What now? Hey, you.
I just bought the perfect dress for your big night.
What should I tell people I do for a living? Neurosurgeon or rodeo clown? Did I tell you how great I think it is that you want to go to your reunion and see old friends who aren't Dan? A few times.
Maybe you'll even reconnect with an old pal who isn't Dan.
And you can do things together in the future you know, things that don't involve Dan.
Speaking of What did he do? He wasn't invited to the reunion so I- I think he wants to destroy it.
Wha--?! I had nothing to do with it! It wasn't my catapult.
Oh, it's you, Elise.
I'm going to get straight to the point, Dan Mainly because I want to spend as little time here as possible.
Chris has been looking forward to this reunion for weeks and I'm not going to let you ruin it for him Or me.
(dan o.
s.
) Ug oof Ow, that's my tender spot Hey! That should do it.
Mr.
Mumbles, help! Yes! Good kitty.
Claw me free! (frustrated groan) Errrr.
Oh, this brings back so many memories.
Did I ever tell you how much I wanted to be the mascot? You mentioned it.
And you do occasionally hoot in your sleep.
I was going to try out my senior year, but someone broke into the locker room and stole the owl suit.
That's a shame.
And I worked hours on that routine.
"Hail hail the mighty owls standing loyal and true.
We will flap to victory.
Rah rah, (hooting like an owl) whoo whoo whoo.
" "The mighty owls, are not your pals" Oh good, both verses.
"We're the fiercest fighting fowls.
" Aagh! Ow, ow, oo.
.
I should've warmed up.
Welcome back, owls! Jenny Tait, I'd recognize you anywhere! Deborah Peterson, you have not changed a bit.
That's Donna, the valedictorian.
We were good pals.
I'll give her the official greeting.
"Hooty-hoot hello!" It's me Chris.
We had-We had eleven classes together.
We did a duet in the talent show, I donated blood to you after your cheerleading mishap.
I'll just get my own name tag.
(dan o.
s.
) PSSST.
Dan! How did you get here? If you thought I couldn't chew my way through duct tape, you don't know me as well as you think.
Uh what? That's right, Chris, your wife has joined the conspiracy to stop me from being here.
Only because I love you.
Ew cooties.
Break it up.
I need you to create a diversion so I can sneak inside.
Chris, do that stupid fight song You know "rah, rah, whoo whoo" The one that makes you look like a complete idiot.
I thought it was peppy.
Dan, if you want to come in, buy a ticket and get a name tag.
But then my attack won't be a surprise! You really have no sense of theater.
It's Perry and Rajneesh.
From the A.
V.
Club.
Hey guys! Come in, Dan.
No one's looking.
I'm glad you can put your personal agenda aside and -- ow! Chris is going to make new friends tonight.
Friends who call before they come over.
Who return the things they borrow.
Friends who aren't wanted by Interpol.
Trapped in a locker? This IS just like high school! This is where it all happened.
Gym class prom Right there is where I threw up when I tried out for track.
Do you see any old friends? There's Vince and Amy And It's Carin, president of the Home Ec club! I had such a crush on her.
She made the most delectable red velvet cheesecake.
Let's go say hi.
Let's not.
Which one was Vince? You call that dancing? I have better moves than that when I'm tasered.
Hey, Vince! Big guy! How's it going? Up top.
Uh hi.
Uh ? Chris.
We were on the football team together.
Really? You were linebacker, I was second string water boy.
You were always really thirsty.
Now you, I could never forget.
How you been, Poodles? Actually, I didn't go to this school.
Did you call me Poodles? You were always such a kidder.
Did you change your hair? And get shorter? (dan o.
s.
) Chris!.
Over here! Ah! That must be my old pal Dan.
Dan!? Did you really think I couldn't chew my way out of a locker, Elise? -- I had four years of practice.
Chris, I need you over here without your pinch-faced chaperone.
It's okay.
My next stop was the mini-weiners, anyway.
Okay, where's the liquid nitrogen? I didn't buy it, Dan.
What!?!!! I'm not going to help you freeze our classmates.
You never help me freeze anybody! Can't you see nothing is changed? The jocks are clustered, cliques are forming, and the French Club is gossiping in a foreign tongue.
And I'm pretty sureit's about me.
The only thing missing is the homework and the wedgies! It's been a long time since I was wedgied.
Ah, winter formal Ow! You ruined step one of my eight part plan.
Some friend.
On to Plan B.
(into phone) Hello, 'Reptile Universe'? -- I need six hundred live scorpions delivered immediately.
Three to five business days?! What kind of stinging insect and arachnid emporium are you? Why didn't you say so.
Of course I'll pay the rush fee.
The credit card is on file.
The name is Chris.
This'll get them dancing.
Just like Junior Prom.
(elise o.
s.
) What's in the box, Dan? Elise? What are you, a hall monitor? Let go.
Never.
You just have to ruin everything.
Poodles! Vince said that was you.
Did you change your eye color? Blocked at every turn! Skipping straight to Plan Z.
Remember that field trip when the bus went into the ravine? We were stuck there for three days? I was the one who voted for eating the injured.
You said it was too soon.
Oof -- (chris o.
s.
) (chuckling) Oh, I get it.
I get it.
Is that you Rajneesh? Are we re enacting the A.
V.
Club initiation? Well bring on the pudding! I decided to give you one more chance to redeem yourself.
Dan, for the last time It's the owl suit! The one I would've worn if I was elected mascot.
Wait a minute.
How did you get this? Dressing up as mascot is an embarrassment.
I was saving you from yourself.
You're the one who stole it? I didn't plan to keep it this long.
But it's surprisingly difficult to unload an owl suit.
How could you do that to me? You knew that was my dream.
If you help me, you get to wear it.
In all its feathery glory.
No! I can't use the mascot in service of evil! You sure? No-o-o-o-o-o! Sheesh.
Some people are so dramatic.
There you are! What's wrong? Tonight is not turning out how I expected.
I bet I know why your pals are having a hard time recognizing you.
You have gotten so much more handsome.
Hey there owls! Hooty-hoot hello! (microphone screeches) It's time to give out awards to our most special alumni.
Sorry I have to rain on your parade Ha, no I'm not.
Whoa-oooaaaa! Oops.
I still think that suit's awesome.
(gulp) uh-oh.
Hey!!!! Oh not cool bro! Hey, What's the big idea, punk? Back off or taste the sting of my talons.
He's strung up there like a pinata.
If we hit him hard enough would candy come out? Hey, I know you.
That's the guy who blew up my science project! And put itching powder in the football uniforms.
It's Dan! (crowd wild cheering) Leave it to Danny, to really make an entrance! Get your meat hooks off me! Comin' for squeezins! Back - ha - kai-yah-h-h! So your classmates actually liked Dan? High school was somehow not as I remembered.
Hello, science lab.
Miss me? There you are.
Why'd you run off? Was I supposed to stick around for their ritual sacrifice? Dan, nobody wants to hurt you though for the life of me I can't figure out why.
Don't tell me you were fooled by those hyena grins.
They were mocking me.
I don't think they were.
Please.
I know how this ends.
One minute they smile to your face, the next thing you know, you're tied to a stake and burned as a witch.
They want nostalgia? Oh, I'll give them nostalgia.
Let's boogie like we did on prom night before the scorpions showed up.
What was up with that? Seriously.
I did not graduate from this school.
You still crack me up, Poodles.
Just like in homeroom.
I wasn't Right.
And you know who else was in homeroom with us? Chris.
(Vince looks blank) Tall guy, hearty eater? You two should get together and catch up.
Maybe bond and become inseparable pals.
Um Okay.
You don't ever shout at the sky with your fists clenched, do you? One flip of that switch and KA-BOOM! This reunion is a thing of the past.
Dan.
Please.
Stop.
You're over reacting.
I should really have that printed on a T shirt.
Okay, losers, prepare to suffer my putrid, gelatinous wrath.
That sounds like something you'd say.
Typical Dan! Your shenanigans made high school bearable.
Huh? Hooray for dan! (crowd cheers) We're so glad you're here! We could not find your address to send an invitation.
Your former landlords use very colorful language.
Remember when you blew up my science project? That's was super! You weren't upset about that? No, silly billy! All that goop exploding on Principal Ferber was hi-larious.
Now that Dan's occupied, let's go mingle.
It was awesome when you flooded the cafeteria with spaghetti sauce! And released toxic fumes into the vents! I was dizzy for a week.
Hey, anything to generate some of that ol' school spirit.
I participated in everything, building floats, painting banners, selling band candy And Dan is the legend? Hey, who was that sidekick guy who used to hang around you? It was me, Chris.
Oh, him? I let him help with some of the simpler incendiary devices.
What ever happened to him? I'm right over here.
Yea he was kind of an angry loner.
What was his name? Chris.
His name is Chris! Chris, no! Stop! This is no way to make friends.
(crowd cheering) That's awesome Dan! Just like the old days! Your best prank ever.
But it wasn't Dan! I can't believe they gave him a trophy.
But you got another participation ribbon.
So did you Poodles.
Hey, it's my old locker! I wonder if the combination is still the same? Aahhhhh!
" (whistles the melody) "Rah rah - (owl hoots) Whoo whoo whoo.
" My old jersey! Chris, good, you're home.
Take this.
I need your fingerprints on it.
What? Why? That's between me and the Department of Agriculture.
Is that your high school jersey? Yeah, I think it shrunk while it was in storage.
What is this junk? A year book, stack of report cards Are you planning a bonfire? Just taking a little stroll down memory lane.
Tonight's the class reunion.
And you intend to go? Of course.
There's going to be a big party in the school gymnasium.
Elise is eager to meet my old pals.
Chris, reunions are for ex-prom queens and aging muscle- heads who want to wallow in their past glories.
Not for normal people like us who hated high school.
That might've been your experience Dan, but I loved it.
I was involved in so many activities I earned dozens of participation ribbons.
Delude yourself if you must, but I endured the same four years you did, and I wouldn't be caught dead commemorating them at some vapid social.
Hey, wait a minute.
I was in your high school class.
No one sent me an invitation.
Really? Hmmm I guess they didn't want me there.
B-but why?? I'm sure it was an oversight.
Oh, don't sugar coat it, Martha Sunshine! I know when I've been snubbed.
HIGH SCHOOL REUNION!!!! Dumb.
Stupid.
Reunion party.
Dan, stop that! Honestly, I don't understand why you're upset.
Ten seconds ago, you didn't want to go to the reunion.
It's the principle.
This is the same clique-ish, exclusionary behavior we were subjected to in high school.
No N--N-Not that! It's my framed photo of the school mascot.
I used to have this hanging on the wall.
I wonder-I wonder why Elise made me take it down? It's a puzzlement.
You know, Dan I bet you didn't get an invitationbecause they didn't have your address.
You've moved at least six times since high school sometimes in the middle of the night.
Don't make excuses for their bourgeois, social darwinism.
These people- Dan, you know how I would normally stand here and nod while you rant for an hour? -- I can't do that today.
I have to go to the barber and get spiffed up for the reunion.
(crash) Hey! (mr.
mumbles) schmerow? No, Mr.
Mumbles, this is more than ennui.
(mr.
mumbles)meows.
Let it go? I spent my teenage years constantly ridiculed.
Then I'd get to school and it was even worse.
Hey not too short.
And Can you make me look a little more successful around the ears? (cellphone rings) Hello.
Uh Chris, you went to all the pep rallies in high school, right? Why, yes I did! Pep was always a priority.
Well, then you'd know the exact volume in cubic feet of the school gymnasium.
Yes, I would! The basketball court is 84 feet long by 50 feet wide, then add the area for the bleachers and multiply -- Wait, wait, why, why do you want to know? I'm not at liberty to say But if you insist on going to that stupid reunion, I suggest you bring an oxygen mask and some neoprene gloves.
Dan, I'm looking forward to this reunion and I would really preferred if no one ended up dead.
Why are you defending those people?! Don't you remember when your underwear was strung up the flagpole, or your gym shoes filled with tapioca, or when your head was swirled in the toilet? Yes, Dan, I remember.
You did those things to me.
Irrelevant! Now listen, on your way to the reunion, I need you to pick up five canisters of liquid nitrogen.
Dan -- And not that second-rate generic stuff.
I want brand-name icy goodness.
"Freeze King," or "Snowball's Chance.
" (frustrated sigh) (pleasant, relaxed sigh) (cellphone rings) What now? Hey, you.
I just bought the perfect dress for your big night.
What should I tell people I do for a living? Neurosurgeon or rodeo clown? Did I tell you how great I think it is that you want to go to your reunion and see old friends who aren't Dan? A few times.
Maybe you'll even reconnect with an old pal who isn't Dan.
And you can do things together in the future you know, things that don't involve Dan.
Speaking of What did he do? He wasn't invited to the reunion so I- I think he wants to destroy it.
Wha--?! I had nothing to do with it! It wasn't my catapult.
Oh, it's you, Elise.
I'm going to get straight to the point, Dan Mainly because I want to spend as little time here as possible.
Chris has been looking forward to this reunion for weeks and I'm not going to let you ruin it for him Or me.
(dan o.
s.
) Ug oof Ow, that's my tender spot Hey! That should do it.
Mr.
Mumbles, help! Yes! Good kitty.
Claw me free! (frustrated groan) Errrr.
Oh, this brings back so many memories.
Did I ever tell you how much I wanted to be the mascot? You mentioned it.
And you do occasionally hoot in your sleep.
I was going to try out my senior year, but someone broke into the locker room and stole the owl suit.
That's a shame.
And I worked hours on that routine.
"Hail hail the mighty owls standing loyal and true.
We will flap to victory.
Rah rah, (hooting like an owl) whoo whoo whoo.
" "The mighty owls, are not your pals" Oh good, both verses.
"We're the fiercest fighting fowls.
" Aagh! Ow, ow, oo.
.
I should've warmed up.
Welcome back, owls! Jenny Tait, I'd recognize you anywhere! Deborah Peterson, you have not changed a bit.
That's Donna, the valedictorian.
We were good pals.
I'll give her the official greeting.
"Hooty-hoot hello!" It's me Chris.
We had-We had eleven classes together.
We did a duet in the talent show, I donated blood to you after your cheerleading mishap.
I'll just get my own name tag.
(dan o.
s.
) PSSST.
Dan! How did you get here? If you thought I couldn't chew my way through duct tape, you don't know me as well as you think.
Uh what? That's right, Chris, your wife has joined the conspiracy to stop me from being here.
Only because I love you.
Ew cooties.
Break it up.
I need you to create a diversion so I can sneak inside.
Chris, do that stupid fight song You know "rah, rah, whoo whoo" The one that makes you look like a complete idiot.
I thought it was peppy.
Dan, if you want to come in, buy a ticket and get a name tag.
But then my attack won't be a surprise! You really have no sense of theater.
It's Perry and Rajneesh.
From the A.
V.
Club.
Hey guys! Come in, Dan.
No one's looking.
I'm glad you can put your personal agenda aside and -- ow! Chris is going to make new friends tonight.
Friends who call before they come over.
Who return the things they borrow.
Friends who aren't wanted by Interpol.
Trapped in a locker? This IS just like high school! This is where it all happened.
Gym class prom Right there is where I threw up when I tried out for track.
Do you see any old friends? There's Vince and Amy And It's Carin, president of the Home Ec club! I had such a crush on her.
She made the most delectable red velvet cheesecake.
Let's go say hi.
Let's not.
Which one was Vince? You call that dancing? I have better moves than that when I'm tasered.
Hey, Vince! Big guy! How's it going? Up top.
Uh hi.
Uh ? Chris.
We were on the football team together.
Really? You were linebacker, I was second string water boy.
You were always really thirsty.
Now you, I could never forget.
How you been, Poodles? Actually, I didn't go to this school.
Did you call me Poodles? You were always such a kidder.
Did you change your hair? And get shorter? (dan o.
s.
) Chris!.
Over here! Ah! That must be my old pal Dan.
Dan!? Did you really think I couldn't chew my way out of a locker, Elise? -- I had four years of practice.
Chris, I need you over here without your pinch-faced chaperone.
It's okay.
My next stop was the mini-weiners, anyway.
Okay, where's the liquid nitrogen? I didn't buy it, Dan.
What!?!!! I'm not going to help you freeze our classmates.
You never help me freeze anybody! Can't you see nothing is changed? The jocks are clustered, cliques are forming, and the French Club is gossiping in a foreign tongue.
And I'm pretty sureit's about me.
The only thing missing is the homework and the wedgies! It's been a long time since I was wedgied.
Ah, winter formal Ow! You ruined step one of my eight part plan.
Some friend.
On to Plan B.
(into phone) Hello, 'Reptile Universe'? -- I need six hundred live scorpions delivered immediately.
Three to five business days?! What kind of stinging insect and arachnid emporium are you? Why didn't you say so.
Of course I'll pay the rush fee.
The credit card is on file.
The name is Chris.
This'll get them dancing.
Just like Junior Prom.
(elise o.
s.
) What's in the box, Dan? Elise? What are you, a hall monitor? Let go.
Never.
You just have to ruin everything.
Poodles! Vince said that was you.
Did you change your eye color? Blocked at every turn! Skipping straight to Plan Z.
Remember that field trip when the bus went into the ravine? We were stuck there for three days? I was the one who voted for eating the injured.
You said it was too soon.
Oof -- (chris o.
s.
) (chuckling) Oh, I get it.
I get it.
Is that you Rajneesh? Are we re enacting the A.
V.
Club initiation? Well bring on the pudding! I decided to give you one more chance to redeem yourself.
Dan, for the last time It's the owl suit! The one I would've worn if I was elected mascot.
Wait a minute.
How did you get this? Dressing up as mascot is an embarrassment.
I was saving you from yourself.
You're the one who stole it? I didn't plan to keep it this long.
But it's surprisingly difficult to unload an owl suit.
How could you do that to me? You knew that was my dream.
If you help me, you get to wear it.
In all its feathery glory.
No! I can't use the mascot in service of evil! You sure? No-o-o-o-o-o! Sheesh.
Some people are so dramatic.
There you are! What's wrong? Tonight is not turning out how I expected.
I bet I know why your pals are having a hard time recognizing you.
You have gotten so much more handsome.
Hey there owls! Hooty-hoot hello! (microphone screeches) It's time to give out awards to our most special alumni.
Sorry I have to rain on your parade Ha, no I'm not.
Whoa-oooaaaa! Oops.
I still think that suit's awesome.
(gulp) uh-oh.
Hey!!!! Oh not cool bro! Hey, What's the big idea, punk? Back off or taste the sting of my talons.
He's strung up there like a pinata.
If we hit him hard enough would candy come out? Hey, I know you.
That's the guy who blew up my science project! And put itching powder in the football uniforms.
It's Dan! (crowd wild cheering) Leave it to Danny, to really make an entrance! Get your meat hooks off me! Comin' for squeezins! Back - ha - kai-yah-h-h! So your classmates actually liked Dan? High school was somehow not as I remembered.
Hello, science lab.
Miss me? There you are.
Why'd you run off? Was I supposed to stick around for their ritual sacrifice? Dan, nobody wants to hurt you though for the life of me I can't figure out why.
Don't tell me you were fooled by those hyena grins.
They were mocking me.
I don't think they were.
Please.
I know how this ends.
One minute they smile to your face, the next thing you know, you're tied to a stake and burned as a witch.
They want nostalgia? Oh, I'll give them nostalgia.
Let's boogie like we did on prom night before the scorpions showed up.
What was up with that? Seriously.
I did not graduate from this school.
You still crack me up, Poodles.
Just like in homeroom.
I wasn't Right.
And you know who else was in homeroom with us? Chris.
(Vince looks blank) Tall guy, hearty eater? You two should get together and catch up.
Maybe bond and become inseparable pals.
Um Okay.
You don't ever shout at the sky with your fists clenched, do you? One flip of that switch and KA-BOOM! This reunion is a thing of the past.
Dan.
Please.
Stop.
You're over reacting.
I should really have that printed on a T shirt.
Okay, losers, prepare to suffer my putrid, gelatinous wrath.
That sounds like something you'd say.
Typical Dan! Your shenanigans made high school bearable.
Huh? Hooray for dan! (crowd cheers) We're so glad you're here! We could not find your address to send an invitation.
Your former landlords use very colorful language.
Remember when you blew up my science project? That's was super! You weren't upset about that? No, silly billy! All that goop exploding on Principal Ferber was hi-larious.
Now that Dan's occupied, let's go mingle.
It was awesome when you flooded the cafeteria with spaghetti sauce! And released toxic fumes into the vents! I was dizzy for a week.
Hey, anything to generate some of that ol' school spirit.
I participated in everything, building floats, painting banners, selling band candy And Dan is the legend? Hey, who was that sidekick guy who used to hang around you? It was me, Chris.
Oh, him? I let him help with some of the simpler incendiary devices.
What ever happened to him? I'm right over here.
Yea he was kind of an angry loner.
What was his name? Chris.
His name is Chris! Chris, no! Stop! This is no way to make friends.
(crowd cheering) That's awesome Dan! Just like the old days! Your best prank ever.
But it wasn't Dan! I can't believe they gave him a trophy.
But you got another participation ribbon.
So did you Poodles.
Hey, it's my old locker! I wonder if the combination is still the same? Aahhhhh!