Doctor Who s01e05 Episode Script
World War Three
Whoever those aliens are, they haven't just arrived, they've been here for a while.
Harriet Jones, MP for Flydale North.
I thought I was Prime Minister now.
Thank you all for wearing your ID cards.
They'll help to identify the bodies.
Deadly to humans, maybe.
Ah! Jackie! Oi, you want aliens, you've got them.
They're inside Downing Street.
Come on.
Reinstate my disguise! Hurry up, hurry! Hurry! No, wait! They're still in there, the Emergency Protocols, we need them.
Where've you been? I called for help, I sounded the alarm.
There was this lightning, a kind of electricity, and they all collapsed.
I think they're all dead.
That's what I'm saying.
He did it! That man there! I think you'll find the Prime Minister is an alien in disguise.
That's never gonna work, is it? No.
Fair enough.
Down there! Under the jurisdiction of the Emergency Protocols, I authorise you to execute this man! Well, now, yes, you see, uh, the thing is, if I was you, if I was gonna execute someone by backing him up against the wall, between you and me, - little word of advice, don't stand him against the lift.
Hello! Hide! I repeat, the upper ï¬oors are under quarantine.
You will stay where you are, you will disregard all previous instructions, and you will take your orders directly from me.
Mr Green, sir, sorry, but you've got to come with me.
We should evacuate the entire building.
Sergeant, have you, um, read the Emergency Protocols? - No, sir.
- Then don't question me.
Seal off Number Ten, secure the ground ï¬oor, and if the Doctor makes it downstairs, shoot on sight! Well, you heard him! Move out! Let the sport begin.
I'm getting poisoned by the gas exchange.
I need to be naked.
Rejoice in it.
Your body is magnificent.
Ooh, such fun.
Little human children, where are you? Sweet little human kins, come to me.
Let me kiss you better.
Kiss you with my big green lips.
Go and check it out! It does us good to hunt, it purifies the blood.
We'll keep this ï¬oor quarantined as our last hiding ground before the final phase.
My brothers.
Happy hunting? It's wonderful.
The more you prolong it, the more they stink.
Sweat and fear! I can smell an old girl.
Stale perfume and brittle bones.
And a ripe youngster, all hormones and adrenalin.
Fresh enough to bend before she snaps.
No! Take me first, take me! Out! With me! Who the hell are you? Harriet Jones, MP for Flydale North.
- Nice to meet you.
- Likewise.
We need to get to the Cabinet Rooms.
The Emergency Protocols are in there.
They give instructions for aliens.
Harriet Jones, I like you.
I think I like you, too.
One more move and my sonic device will triplicate the flammability of this alcohol.
Woof, we all go up.
So back off.
Right, then, question time.
Who exactly are the Slitheen? - They're aliens.
- Yes, I got that, thanks.
Who are you, if not human? - Who's not human? - He's not human.
- He's not human? - Could I have a bit of hush? - Sorry.
- So, what's the plan? But he's got a Northern accent.
Lots of planets have a north.
I said hush! Come on! You've got a spaceship hidden in the North Sea.
It's transmitting a signal.
You've murdered your way to the top of government.
What for? Invasion? Why would we invade this godforsaken rock? Then something's brought the Slitheen race here.
What is it? The Slitheen race? Slitheen is not our species.
Slitheen is our surname.
Jocrassa Fel Fotch Pasameer-Day Slitheen at your service.
So you're family? A family business.
Then you're out to make a profit.
How can you do that on a godforsaken rock? Uh, excuse me.
Your device will do what? Triplicate the flammability? - Is that what I said? - You're making it up.
Oh, well.
Nice try.
Harriet, have a drink.
I think you're gonna need it.
You pass it to the left first.
- Sorry.
- Thanks.
Now we can end this hunt with a slaughter.
Don't you think we should run? Fascinating history, Downing Street.
this was marshland.
by a Mr Chicken.
He was a nice man.
the Cabinet Room.
If the Cabinet's in session and in danger, these are about the four most safest walls in the whole of Great Britain.
End of lesson.
Installed in 1991.
Three inches of steel lining every single wall.
They'll never get in.
And how do we get out? Ah.
He's safely contained.
Now cut off communications inside that room, then summon up the family! It's time we finished with this insane planet for good! And there's still no word from inside Downing Street, though we are getting even more new arrivals.
That's Group Captain Tennant James of the RAF, though why he's been summoned we've no idea.
And that's Ewan McAllister, Deputy Secretary for the Scottish Parliament.
And this is most unusual.
I'm told that is Sylvia Dillane, chairman of the North Sea Boating Club.
Quite what connects all these people, we have no idea.
Group Captain.
Delighted you could make it.
We're meeting upstairs.
That's the spirit, off you go.
Good to see you.
Come on through.
Ah, Sergeant, now that the Doctor's been neutralised, the upper levels are out of bounds to everyone.
Then who are they? Need to know, Sergeant, need to know.
I want you to liaise with Communications.
The Acting Prime Minister will be making a public address.
He will speak to the nations of the world! There you are.
If you'd just like to go through and get changed.
Now, if you'd like to head down to the end of the corridor, it's first on the left.
Thank you.
- Got anything stronger? - No chance.
I've seen you when you've had a few.
This ain't time for a conga! We've got to tell someone! Who do we trust? For all we know, they've all got big bog monsters inside of 'em.
I mean, this is what he does, jacks, that Doctor bloke.
Everywhere he goes, death and destruction.
And he's got Rose in the middle of it.
Has he got a great big green thing inside him, then? I wouldn't put it past him.
But like it or not, he's the only person who knows how to fight these things.
I thought I was gonna die.
Come on, yeah? If anyone's gonna cry, it's gonna be me.
Now, you're safe in my flat, jacks.
No one's gonna look for you here, especially since you hate me so much.
You saved my life! God, that's embarrassing! Telling me! He wanted me dead.
And he's still out there, Mickey.
That policeman, that thing! Right, you head off.
Inform Control I've one or two things that still need doing.
I haven't quite finished with Mrs Tyler yet.
Is that all of us? All the family except Sip Fel Fotch.
He's found a hunt of his own.
Ah.
What was his name? - Who? - This one.
The, uh, secretary, or whatever he was called.
I don't know.
I talked to him.
I brought him a cup of coffee.
I never asked his name.
Sorry.
Right, what have we got? Any terminals, anything? Nope, this place is antique.
What I don't get is, when they killed the Prime Minister, why didn't they use him as a disguise? He's too slim.
They're big old beasts.
They need to fit inside big humans.
But the Slitheen are about eight feet.
How do they squeeze inside? That's the device around their necks, compression field, literally shrinks them down a bit.
That's why there's all that gas.
It's a big exchange.
Wish I had a compression field, I could fit a size smaller.
Excuse me, people are dead! This is not the time for making jokes.
Sorry.
You get used to this stuff when you're friends with him.
Well, that's a strange friendship.
Harriet Jones.
I've heard that name before.
Harriet Jones.
You're not famous for anything, are you? Oh! Hardly! Rings a bell.
Harriet Jones Lifelong backbencher, I'm afraid, and a fat lot of use I'm being now.
The Protocols are redundant.
They list the people who could help and they're all dead downstairs.
Hasn't it got, like, defence codes and things? Couldn't we just launch a nuclear bomb at them? You're a very violent young woman.
I'm serious, we could! Well, there's nothing like that in here.
Nuclear strikes do need a release code, yes, but it's kept secret by the United Nations.
Say that again.
- What, about the codes? - Anything, all of it.
Um, well, the British Isles can't gain access to atomic weapons without a special resolution from the UN.
Like that's ever stopped them! Exactly, given our past record.
And I voted against that, thank you very much.
The codes have been taken out of the government's hands and given to the UN.
- Is it important? - Everything's important.
If we only knew what the Slitheen wanted.
Listen to me, I'm saying Slitheen as if it's normal.
What do they want, though? Well, they're just one family, so it's not an invasion.
They don't want Slitheen World.
They're out to make money.
That means they want to use something, something here on Earth, some kind of asset.
Like what? Gold? Oil? Water? You're very good at this.
Thank you.
Harriet Jones, why do I know that name? Oh, that's me.
But we're sealed off.
How did you get a signal? He zapped it.
Super phone.
Then we can phone for help.
You must have contacts! Dead downstairs, yeah.
It's Mickey.
Oh, tell your stupid boyfriend we're busy.
Yeah, he's not so stupid after all.
No, no, not just alien, but like, proper alien, all stinking and wet and disgusting, and more to the point, it wanted to kill us! I could have died! Is she all right though? Don't put her on, just tell me.
Is that Ricky? Don't talk.
Just shut up and go to your computer.
It's Mickey, and why should I? Mickey the idiot, I might just choke before I finish this sentence, but I need you.
It says "password".
- Say again.
- It'.
s asking for the password.
Buffalo.
Two Fs, one L.
So what's that website? All the secret information known to mankind.
See, they've known about aliens for years.
They just kept us in the dark.
Mickey, you were born in the dark.
- Oh, leave him alone.
- Thank you.
- Password again.
- Just repeat it, every time.
Big Ben.
Why did the Slitheen go and hit Big Ben? You said to gather the experts, to kill them.
That lot would have gathered for a weather balloon.
You don't need to crash-land it in the middle of London.
The Slitheen are hiding, but then they put the entire planet on red alert.
What did they do that for? Oh, listen to her! Oi! At least I'm trying.
Well, I've got a question, if you don't mind.
Since that man walked into our lives, I've been attacked in the streets, I've had creatures from the pits of hell in my own living room, and my daughter disappear off the face of the Earth.
I told you what happened.
I'm talking to him! 'Cause I've seen this life of yours, Doctor, and maybe you get off on it, and maybe you think it's all clever and smart, but you tell me, just answer me this, is my daughter safe? I'm fine.
Is she safe? Will she always be safe, can you promise me that? Well, what's the answer? We're in.
Now, then.
On the left, at the top, there's a tab, an icon, little concentric circles, click on that.
What is it? The Slitheen have got a spaceship in the North Sea and it's transmitting that signal.
Now, hush, let me work out what it's saying.
He'll have to answer me one day.
- Hush! - It's some sort of message.
- What's it say? - Don't know, it's on a loop, keeps repeating.
Hush! That's not me.
Go and see who that is.
It's 3:00 in the morning.
Well, go and tell them that.
It's beaming out into space.
Who's it for? All right! Mrs Tyler.
Ooh! It's him, it's the thing! It's the Slickeen! They've found us! Mickey, I need that signal.
Never mind the signal.
Get out! Mum, just get out! Get out! We can't, it's by the front door.
Oh, my God.
It's unmasking.
It's gonna kill us.
There's got to be some way of stopping them! You're supposed to be the expert.
Think of something! I'm trying! I'll take it on, Jackie.
You just run.
Don't look back.
just run.
That's my mother.
Right.
If we're gonna find their weakness, we need to find out where they're from, which planet.
So, judging by their basic shape, that narrows it down to 5,000 planets within travelling distance.
What else do we know about them? Information! - They're green.
- Yep, narrows it down.
- Good sense of smell.
- Narrows it down.
- They can smell adrenalin.
- Narrows it down.
- The pig technology.
- Narrows it down.
Spaceship in the Thames.
You said "slipstream engine.
" Narrows it down.
It's getting in! - They hunt like it's a ritual.
- Narrows it down.
Wait a minute.
Did you notice, when they fart, if you'll pardon the word, it doesn't just smell like a fart, if you'll pardon the word.
It's something else.
What is it? It's more like, um - Bad breath.
- That's it! Calcium decay! Now, that narrows it down.
We're getting there, Mum! Too late! Calcium phosphate.
Organic calcium.
Living calcium.
Creatures made out of living calcium.
What else? What else? Hyphenated surname! Yes! That narrows it down to one planet! Raxacoricofallapatorius! Oh, yeah, great, we can write 'em a letter! Get into the kitchen! Oh, my God, it's going to rip us apart! Calcium weakened by the compression field.
Acetic acid! Vinegar! - Just like Hannibal! - Just like Hannibal.
Mickey, have you got any vinegar? - How should I know? - It's your kitchen! Cupboard by the sink, middle shelf! Oh, come on, give it here.
What do you need? Anything with vinegar.
Gherkins! Yeah, pickled onions! Pickled eggs! You kiss this man? Hannibal? Hannibal crossed the Alps by dissolving boulders with vinegar.
Oh.
Well, there you go, then.
Whew! He's dead.
Sip Fel Fotch Pasameer-Day Slitheen is dead.
I felt it.
How could that happen? Somebody must've got lucky.
That's the last piece of luck anyone on this rock will ever have.
Ladies and gentlemen Nations of the world.
Humankind.
The greatest experts in extraterrestrial events came here tonight.
They gathered in the common cause.
But the news I bring you now is grave indeed.
The experts are dead.
Murdered, night in front of me, by alien hands.
Peoples of the Earth, heed my words.
These "visitors" do not come in peace.
Listen to this! Our inspectors have searched the sky above our heads.
And they have found massive weapons of destruction capable of being deployed within 45 seconds.
What? Our technicians can baffle the alien probes, but not for long.
We are facing extinction unless we strike first! The United Kingdom stands directly beneath the belly of the mothership.
I beg of the United Nations.
Pass an emergency resolution.
Give us the access codes.
A nuclear strike at the heart of the beast is our only chance of survival, because, from this moment on, it is my solemn duty to inform you planet Earth is at war.
He's just making it up.
There's no weapons up there.
There's no threat.
He just invented it.
- Do you think they'll believe him? - Well, he did last time.
That's why the Slitheen went for spectacle.
They want the whole world panicking 'cause you lot, you get scared, you lash out.
They release the defence codes And the Slitheen go nuclear.
But Why? You get the codes, release the missiles.
But not into space, 'cause there's nothing there.
You attack every other country on Earth, they retaliate, fight back.
World War Three.
Whole planet gets nuked.
And we sit through it, safe in our spaceship waiting in the Thames.
Not crashed, just parked.
Barely two minutes away.
But you'll destroy the planet.
This beautiful place.
What for? Profit.
That's what the signal is, beaming into space.
An advert.
Sale of the century.
We reduce the Earth to molten slag, then sell it.
Piece by piece.
Radioactive chunks capable of powering every cut-price starliner and budget cargo ship.
There's a recession out there, Doctor.
People are buying cheap.
This rock becomes raw fuel.
At the cost of five billion lives.
Hmm! Bargain.
I give you a choice.
Leave this planet, or I'll stop you.
What? You? Trapped in your box? Yes.
Me.
Yesterday saw the start of a brave new world.
Today might see it end.
The streets are deserted.
Everyone's home, just waiting, as the future is decided in New York.
It's midnight here in New York.
The United Nations has gathered.
England has provided them with absolute proof that the massive weapons of destruction do exist.
The Security Council will be making a resolution in a matter of minutes.
Ana' once the codes are released humanity's first interplanetary war begins.
Sergeant! We'll take the call in the Prime Minister's office.
Maintain your positions.
And good luck.
Look at that! The telephone is actually red! Oh.
How long till they phone? Counting down All right, Doctor.
I'm not saying I trust you, but there must be something you can do.
If we could ferment the port, we could make acetic acid.
Mickey, any luck? There '5 loads of emergency numbers.
- They're all on voicemail.
Voicemail dooms us all.
- If we could just get out of here.
- There's a way out.
What? There's always been a way out.
Then why don't we use it? Because I can't guarantee your daughter will be safe.
Don't you dare! Whatever it is, don't you dare! That's the thing.
If I don't dare, everyone dies.
Do it.
You don't even know what it is.
You'd just let me? Yeah.
Please, Doctor, please! She's my daughter, she's just a kid.
Do you think I don't know that? 'Cause this is my life, Jackie.
It's not fun, it's not smart.
It's standing up and making a decision because nobody else will.
Then what are you waiting for? I could save the world, but lose you.
Except it's not your decision, Doctor.
It's mine.
And who the hell are you? Harriet Jones, MP for Flydale North.
The only elected representative in this room, chosen by the people for the people.
And on behalf of the people, I command you.
Do it.
Victory should be naked! How do we get out? We don't.
We stay here.
The Council is voting.
The result should be known any second now.
Use the "buffalo" password, it overrides everything.
What are you doing? Hacking into the Royal Navy.
We're in! Here it is, uh, HMS Taurean, Trafalgar Class submarine, of Plymouth.
Right, we need to select a missile.
We can't go nuclear.
We don't have the defence codes.
We don't need it.
All we need is an ordinary missile.
What? the first category? Sub harpoon, UGM-84A.
That's the one! Select! I could stop you.
Do it, then.
You ready for this? Yeah.
Mickey the idiot, the world is in your hands.
Fire.
Oh, my God.
How solid are these? Not solid enough.
Built for short-range attack.
Nothing this big.
All right.
Now I'm making the decision.
I'm not gonna die.
We're gonna ride this one out.
It's like what they say about earthquakes.
You can survive them by standing under a doorframe.
Now, this cupboard's small, so it's strong.
Come and help me.
Come on! The vote is in.
The Council says Yes.
They are releasing the codes.
Ring, damn you! It's on radar! Counter defence 556.
Stop them intercepting it! - I'm doing it now! - Good boy.
What do you mean, "incoming"? Everybody out! Now! Now! What the hell is that for? Sir, there's a missile Sorry! That's mine.
You've got mine! Disguise me, disguise me! No, you're the blonde.
No, I've got the other one.
Take it off! Everybody, run! Run! Let's get out of here! Here we go.
Well, nice knowing you both.
Hannibal! Oh, bol Made in Britain! Oh, my God.
Are you all right? Harriet Jones, MP, Flydale North.
I want you to contact the UN immediately.
Tell the ambassadors the crisis is over.
They can step down.
- Go on.
Tell the news.
- Yes, ma'am.
Someone's got a hell of a job sorting this lot out.
Oh, Lord! We haven't even got a Prime Minister! - Maybe you should have a go.
- Me! I'm only a backbencher.
I'd vote for ya.
Now, don't be silly.
Look, I'd better go and see if I can help.
Hang on! We're safe.
The Earth is safe! Sergeant! I thought I knew the name.
Harriet Jones.
Future Prime Minister.
Elected for three successive terms.
The architect of Britain's Golden Age.
The crisis has passed! Ladies and gentlemen, I have something to say to you all here today Mankind stands tall, proud and undefeated! God bless the human race.
Mankind stands tall Harriet Jones.
Who does she think she is? Look at her, taking all the credit.
It should be you on there.
My daughter saved the world! I think the Doctor helped a bit.
All right, then.
Him, too.
You should be given knighthoods.
It's not the way he does things.
No fuss, he just moves on.
He's not that bad, if you gave him a chance.
He's good in a crisis, I'll give him that.
Oh! Now, the world has changed.
You're saying nice things about him.
I reckon I've got no choice.
There's no getting rid of him since you're infatuated.
I'm not infatuated! What does he eat? How do you mean? I was gonna do shepherd's pie.
All of us, proper sit-down.
'Cause I'm ready to listen.
I want to learn about you and him and that life you lead.
I mean, I didn't know he was an alien.
For all I know, he eats grass and safety pins, and things.
He'll have shepherd's pie.
You're gonna cook for him? What's wrong with that? He's finally met his match.
- You're not too old for a slap, you know! You can go and visit your gran tomorrow and learn some French.
I told her you were in France.
I said you were au-pairing.
Hello? Right, I'll be a couple of hours, then we can go.
You've got a phone! You think I can travel through space and time and I haven't got a phone? Huh! Like I said, couple of hours.
I've just got to send out this dispersal.
There you go.
That's cancelling out the Slitheen's advert in case any bargain hunters turn up.
Urn, my mother's cooking.
Good.
Put her on a slow heat and let her simmer.
She 3 cooking tea.
For us.
I don't do that.
She wants to get to know you.
Tough.
I've got better things to do.
It's just tea.
Not to me, it isn't.
She's my mother.
- Well, she's not mine.
- That's not fair! Well, you can stay there if you want.
But right now, there's this plasma storm brewing in the Horsehead Nebula.
Fires are burning, I could fly the Tardis right into the heart of it then ride the shock wave all the way out.
Hurtle right across the sky and end up anywhere.
Your choice.
Rose, I was thinking I've got that bottle of Amaretto from New Year's Eve.
Does he drink? I was wondering whether he drinks or not.
Yeah, he does.
Don't go, sweetheart.
Please don't go.
Good lad.
Graffiti that again and I'll have ya.
Now, beat it.
I just went down the shop.
And I was thinking, you know, like, the whole world's changed.
Aliens and spaceships all in public.
And here it is.
How can they do that? They saw it! You're just not ready.
You're happy to believe in something that's invisible, but if it's staring you in the face, "Nope, can't see it!" There's a scientific explanation for that.
You're thick.
- We're just idiots.
- Well, not all of you.
Yeah? Present for you, Mickey.
That's a virus.
Put it online, and it'll destroy every mention of me.
I'll cease to exist.
- What do you want to do that for? - 'Cause you're right.
I am dangerous.
I don't want anybody following me.
How can you say that, and then take her with you? You could look after her.
Come with us.
I can't.
This life of yours It's just too much.
I couldn't do it.
Don't tell her I said that.
I'll get a proper job.
I'll work weekends, I'll pass my test.
And if Jim comes round again, I'll say no.
- I really will.
- I'm not leaving 'cause of you.
I'm travelling, that's all, and then I'll come back.
But it's not safe.
Mum.
If you saw it out there, you'd never stay home.
Got enough stuff? The first time I stepped in there, it was spur-of-the-moment.
Now I'm signing up.
You're stuck with me.
Come with us.
There's plenty of room.
No chance.
He's a liability, I'm not having him on board.
We'd be dead without him.
My decision is final.
Sorry.
Good luck, yea h? You still can't promise me.
What if she gets lost? What if something happens to you, Doctor, and she's left all alone, standing on some moon a million light years away? How long do I wait, then? Mum, you're forgetting.
It's a time machine.
I could go travelling around suns and planets and all the way out to the edge of the universe, and by the time we get back, yeah, Just 10 seconds.
So stop worrying.
I'll see you in 10 seconds' time, yeah? Ten seconds.
- It's a great, big museum.
- An alien museum.
Someone's got a hobby.
The cage contains my one living specimen.
It must've fallen through time.
The only survivor.
It's killing him.
Do something! I swear, no one on this base is safe.
You've got to keep it in that cell.
It can't get out.
That Zack's got a billion combinations.
Civilians! Let 'em through! That thing downstairs is gonna kill every last one of us! - Where's the nearest town? - Salt Lake City.
- Population? - One million.
All dead.
If you want orders, follow this one.
Why don't you just die? We're nearly there! Give us two seconds.
I've come to help.
I'm The Doctor.
Exterminate! - Impossible.
- Exterminate!
Harriet Jones, MP for Flydale North.
I thought I was Prime Minister now.
Thank you all for wearing your ID cards.
They'll help to identify the bodies.
Deadly to humans, maybe.
Ah! Jackie! Oi, you want aliens, you've got them.
They're inside Downing Street.
Come on.
Reinstate my disguise! Hurry up, hurry! Hurry! No, wait! They're still in there, the Emergency Protocols, we need them.
Where've you been? I called for help, I sounded the alarm.
There was this lightning, a kind of electricity, and they all collapsed.
I think they're all dead.
That's what I'm saying.
He did it! That man there! I think you'll find the Prime Minister is an alien in disguise.
That's never gonna work, is it? No.
Fair enough.
Down there! Under the jurisdiction of the Emergency Protocols, I authorise you to execute this man! Well, now, yes, you see, uh, the thing is, if I was you, if I was gonna execute someone by backing him up against the wall, between you and me, - little word of advice, don't stand him against the lift.
Hello! Hide! I repeat, the upper ï¬oors are under quarantine.
You will stay where you are, you will disregard all previous instructions, and you will take your orders directly from me.
Mr Green, sir, sorry, but you've got to come with me.
We should evacuate the entire building.
Sergeant, have you, um, read the Emergency Protocols? - No, sir.
- Then don't question me.
Seal off Number Ten, secure the ground ï¬oor, and if the Doctor makes it downstairs, shoot on sight! Well, you heard him! Move out! Let the sport begin.
I'm getting poisoned by the gas exchange.
I need to be naked.
Rejoice in it.
Your body is magnificent.
Ooh, such fun.
Little human children, where are you? Sweet little human kins, come to me.
Let me kiss you better.
Kiss you with my big green lips.
Go and check it out! It does us good to hunt, it purifies the blood.
We'll keep this ï¬oor quarantined as our last hiding ground before the final phase.
My brothers.
Happy hunting? It's wonderful.
The more you prolong it, the more they stink.
Sweat and fear! I can smell an old girl.
Stale perfume and brittle bones.
And a ripe youngster, all hormones and adrenalin.
Fresh enough to bend before she snaps.
No! Take me first, take me! Out! With me! Who the hell are you? Harriet Jones, MP for Flydale North.
- Nice to meet you.
- Likewise.
We need to get to the Cabinet Rooms.
The Emergency Protocols are in there.
They give instructions for aliens.
Harriet Jones, I like you.
I think I like you, too.
One more move and my sonic device will triplicate the flammability of this alcohol.
Woof, we all go up.
So back off.
Right, then, question time.
Who exactly are the Slitheen? - They're aliens.
- Yes, I got that, thanks.
Who are you, if not human? - Who's not human? - He's not human.
- He's not human? - Could I have a bit of hush? - Sorry.
- So, what's the plan? But he's got a Northern accent.
Lots of planets have a north.
I said hush! Come on! You've got a spaceship hidden in the North Sea.
It's transmitting a signal.
You've murdered your way to the top of government.
What for? Invasion? Why would we invade this godforsaken rock? Then something's brought the Slitheen race here.
What is it? The Slitheen race? Slitheen is not our species.
Slitheen is our surname.
Jocrassa Fel Fotch Pasameer-Day Slitheen at your service.
So you're family? A family business.
Then you're out to make a profit.
How can you do that on a godforsaken rock? Uh, excuse me.
Your device will do what? Triplicate the flammability? - Is that what I said? - You're making it up.
Oh, well.
Nice try.
Harriet, have a drink.
I think you're gonna need it.
You pass it to the left first.
- Sorry.
- Thanks.
Now we can end this hunt with a slaughter.
Don't you think we should run? Fascinating history, Downing Street.
this was marshland.
by a Mr Chicken.
He was a nice man.
the Cabinet Room.
If the Cabinet's in session and in danger, these are about the four most safest walls in the whole of Great Britain.
End of lesson.
Installed in 1991.
Three inches of steel lining every single wall.
They'll never get in.
And how do we get out? Ah.
He's safely contained.
Now cut off communications inside that room, then summon up the family! It's time we finished with this insane planet for good! And there's still no word from inside Downing Street, though we are getting even more new arrivals.
That's Group Captain Tennant James of the RAF, though why he's been summoned we've no idea.
And that's Ewan McAllister, Deputy Secretary for the Scottish Parliament.
And this is most unusual.
I'm told that is Sylvia Dillane, chairman of the North Sea Boating Club.
Quite what connects all these people, we have no idea.
Group Captain.
Delighted you could make it.
We're meeting upstairs.
That's the spirit, off you go.
Good to see you.
Come on through.
Ah, Sergeant, now that the Doctor's been neutralised, the upper levels are out of bounds to everyone.
Then who are they? Need to know, Sergeant, need to know.
I want you to liaise with Communications.
The Acting Prime Minister will be making a public address.
He will speak to the nations of the world! There you are.
If you'd just like to go through and get changed.
Now, if you'd like to head down to the end of the corridor, it's first on the left.
Thank you.
- Got anything stronger? - No chance.
I've seen you when you've had a few.
This ain't time for a conga! We've got to tell someone! Who do we trust? For all we know, they've all got big bog monsters inside of 'em.
I mean, this is what he does, jacks, that Doctor bloke.
Everywhere he goes, death and destruction.
And he's got Rose in the middle of it.
Has he got a great big green thing inside him, then? I wouldn't put it past him.
But like it or not, he's the only person who knows how to fight these things.
I thought I was gonna die.
Come on, yeah? If anyone's gonna cry, it's gonna be me.
Now, you're safe in my flat, jacks.
No one's gonna look for you here, especially since you hate me so much.
You saved my life! God, that's embarrassing! Telling me! He wanted me dead.
And he's still out there, Mickey.
That policeman, that thing! Right, you head off.
Inform Control I've one or two things that still need doing.
I haven't quite finished with Mrs Tyler yet.
Is that all of us? All the family except Sip Fel Fotch.
He's found a hunt of his own.
Ah.
What was his name? - Who? - This one.
The, uh, secretary, or whatever he was called.
I don't know.
I talked to him.
I brought him a cup of coffee.
I never asked his name.
Sorry.
Right, what have we got? Any terminals, anything? Nope, this place is antique.
What I don't get is, when they killed the Prime Minister, why didn't they use him as a disguise? He's too slim.
They're big old beasts.
They need to fit inside big humans.
But the Slitheen are about eight feet.
How do they squeeze inside? That's the device around their necks, compression field, literally shrinks them down a bit.
That's why there's all that gas.
It's a big exchange.
Wish I had a compression field, I could fit a size smaller.
Excuse me, people are dead! This is not the time for making jokes.
Sorry.
You get used to this stuff when you're friends with him.
Well, that's a strange friendship.
Harriet Jones.
I've heard that name before.
Harriet Jones.
You're not famous for anything, are you? Oh! Hardly! Rings a bell.
Harriet Jones Lifelong backbencher, I'm afraid, and a fat lot of use I'm being now.
The Protocols are redundant.
They list the people who could help and they're all dead downstairs.
Hasn't it got, like, defence codes and things? Couldn't we just launch a nuclear bomb at them? You're a very violent young woman.
I'm serious, we could! Well, there's nothing like that in here.
Nuclear strikes do need a release code, yes, but it's kept secret by the United Nations.
Say that again.
- What, about the codes? - Anything, all of it.
Um, well, the British Isles can't gain access to atomic weapons without a special resolution from the UN.
Like that's ever stopped them! Exactly, given our past record.
And I voted against that, thank you very much.
The codes have been taken out of the government's hands and given to the UN.
- Is it important? - Everything's important.
If we only knew what the Slitheen wanted.
Listen to me, I'm saying Slitheen as if it's normal.
What do they want, though? Well, they're just one family, so it's not an invasion.
They don't want Slitheen World.
They're out to make money.
That means they want to use something, something here on Earth, some kind of asset.
Like what? Gold? Oil? Water? You're very good at this.
Thank you.
Harriet Jones, why do I know that name? Oh, that's me.
But we're sealed off.
How did you get a signal? He zapped it.
Super phone.
Then we can phone for help.
You must have contacts! Dead downstairs, yeah.
It's Mickey.
Oh, tell your stupid boyfriend we're busy.
Yeah, he's not so stupid after all.
No, no, not just alien, but like, proper alien, all stinking and wet and disgusting, and more to the point, it wanted to kill us! I could have died! Is she all right though? Don't put her on, just tell me.
Is that Ricky? Don't talk.
Just shut up and go to your computer.
It's Mickey, and why should I? Mickey the idiot, I might just choke before I finish this sentence, but I need you.
It says "password".
- Say again.
- It'.
s asking for the password.
Buffalo.
Two Fs, one L.
So what's that website? All the secret information known to mankind.
See, they've known about aliens for years.
They just kept us in the dark.
Mickey, you were born in the dark.
- Oh, leave him alone.
- Thank you.
- Password again.
- Just repeat it, every time.
Big Ben.
Why did the Slitheen go and hit Big Ben? You said to gather the experts, to kill them.
That lot would have gathered for a weather balloon.
You don't need to crash-land it in the middle of London.
The Slitheen are hiding, but then they put the entire planet on red alert.
What did they do that for? Oh, listen to her! Oi! At least I'm trying.
Well, I've got a question, if you don't mind.
Since that man walked into our lives, I've been attacked in the streets, I've had creatures from the pits of hell in my own living room, and my daughter disappear off the face of the Earth.
I told you what happened.
I'm talking to him! 'Cause I've seen this life of yours, Doctor, and maybe you get off on it, and maybe you think it's all clever and smart, but you tell me, just answer me this, is my daughter safe? I'm fine.
Is she safe? Will she always be safe, can you promise me that? Well, what's the answer? We're in.
Now, then.
On the left, at the top, there's a tab, an icon, little concentric circles, click on that.
What is it? The Slitheen have got a spaceship in the North Sea and it's transmitting that signal.
Now, hush, let me work out what it's saying.
He'll have to answer me one day.
- Hush! - It's some sort of message.
- What's it say? - Don't know, it's on a loop, keeps repeating.
Hush! That's not me.
Go and see who that is.
It's 3:00 in the morning.
Well, go and tell them that.
It's beaming out into space.
Who's it for? All right! Mrs Tyler.
Ooh! It's him, it's the thing! It's the Slickeen! They've found us! Mickey, I need that signal.
Never mind the signal.
Get out! Mum, just get out! Get out! We can't, it's by the front door.
Oh, my God.
It's unmasking.
It's gonna kill us.
There's got to be some way of stopping them! You're supposed to be the expert.
Think of something! I'm trying! I'll take it on, Jackie.
You just run.
Don't look back.
just run.
That's my mother.
Right.
If we're gonna find their weakness, we need to find out where they're from, which planet.
So, judging by their basic shape, that narrows it down to 5,000 planets within travelling distance.
What else do we know about them? Information! - They're green.
- Yep, narrows it down.
- Good sense of smell.
- Narrows it down.
- They can smell adrenalin.
- Narrows it down.
- The pig technology.
- Narrows it down.
Spaceship in the Thames.
You said "slipstream engine.
" Narrows it down.
It's getting in! - They hunt like it's a ritual.
- Narrows it down.
Wait a minute.
Did you notice, when they fart, if you'll pardon the word, it doesn't just smell like a fart, if you'll pardon the word.
It's something else.
What is it? It's more like, um - Bad breath.
- That's it! Calcium decay! Now, that narrows it down.
We're getting there, Mum! Too late! Calcium phosphate.
Organic calcium.
Living calcium.
Creatures made out of living calcium.
What else? What else? Hyphenated surname! Yes! That narrows it down to one planet! Raxacoricofallapatorius! Oh, yeah, great, we can write 'em a letter! Get into the kitchen! Oh, my God, it's going to rip us apart! Calcium weakened by the compression field.
Acetic acid! Vinegar! - Just like Hannibal! - Just like Hannibal.
Mickey, have you got any vinegar? - How should I know? - It's your kitchen! Cupboard by the sink, middle shelf! Oh, come on, give it here.
What do you need? Anything with vinegar.
Gherkins! Yeah, pickled onions! Pickled eggs! You kiss this man? Hannibal? Hannibal crossed the Alps by dissolving boulders with vinegar.
Oh.
Well, there you go, then.
Whew! He's dead.
Sip Fel Fotch Pasameer-Day Slitheen is dead.
I felt it.
How could that happen? Somebody must've got lucky.
That's the last piece of luck anyone on this rock will ever have.
Ladies and gentlemen Nations of the world.
Humankind.
The greatest experts in extraterrestrial events came here tonight.
They gathered in the common cause.
But the news I bring you now is grave indeed.
The experts are dead.
Murdered, night in front of me, by alien hands.
Peoples of the Earth, heed my words.
These "visitors" do not come in peace.
Listen to this! Our inspectors have searched the sky above our heads.
And they have found massive weapons of destruction capable of being deployed within 45 seconds.
What? Our technicians can baffle the alien probes, but not for long.
We are facing extinction unless we strike first! The United Kingdom stands directly beneath the belly of the mothership.
I beg of the United Nations.
Pass an emergency resolution.
Give us the access codes.
A nuclear strike at the heart of the beast is our only chance of survival, because, from this moment on, it is my solemn duty to inform you planet Earth is at war.
He's just making it up.
There's no weapons up there.
There's no threat.
He just invented it.
- Do you think they'll believe him? - Well, he did last time.
That's why the Slitheen went for spectacle.
They want the whole world panicking 'cause you lot, you get scared, you lash out.
They release the defence codes And the Slitheen go nuclear.
But Why? You get the codes, release the missiles.
But not into space, 'cause there's nothing there.
You attack every other country on Earth, they retaliate, fight back.
World War Three.
Whole planet gets nuked.
And we sit through it, safe in our spaceship waiting in the Thames.
Not crashed, just parked.
Barely two minutes away.
But you'll destroy the planet.
This beautiful place.
What for? Profit.
That's what the signal is, beaming into space.
An advert.
Sale of the century.
We reduce the Earth to molten slag, then sell it.
Piece by piece.
Radioactive chunks capable of powering every cut-price starliner and budget cargo ship.
There's a recession out there, Doctor.
People are buying cheap.
This rock becomes raw fuel.
At the cost of five billion lives.
Hmm! Bargain.
I give you a choice.
Leave this planet, or I'll stop you.
What? You? Trapped in your box? Yes.
Me.
Yesterday saw the start of a brave new world.
Today might see it end.
The streets are deserted.
Everyone's home, just waiting, as the future is decided in New York.
It's midnight here in New York.
The United Nations has gathered.
England has provided them with absolute proof that the massive weapons of destruction do exist.
The Security Council will be making a resolution in a matter of minutes.
Ana' once the codes are released humanity's first interplanetary war begins.
Sergeant! We'll take the call in the Prime Minister's office.
Maintain your positions.
And good luck.
Look at that! The telephone is actually red! Oh.
How long till they phone? Counting down All right, Doctor.
I'm not saying I trust you, but there must be something you can do.
If we could ferment the port, we could make acetic acid.
Mickey, any luck? There '5 loads of emergency numbers.
- They're all on voicemail.
Voicemail dooms us all.
- If we could just get out of here.
- There's a way out.
What? There's always been a way out.
Then why don't we use it? Because I can't guarantee your daughter will be safe.
Don't you dare! Whatever it is, don't you dare! That's the thing.
If I don't dare, everyone dies.
Do it.
You don't even know what it is.
You'd just let me? Yeah.
Please, Doctor, please! She's my daughter, she's just a kid.
Do you think I don't know that? 'Cause this is my life, Jackie.
It's not fun, it's not smart.
It's standing up and making a decision because nobody else will.
Then what are you waiting for? I could save the world, but lose you.
Except it's not your decision, Doctor.
It's mine.
And who the hell are you? Harriet Jones, MP for Flydale North.
The only elected representative in this room, chosen by the people for the people.
And on behalf of the people, I command you.
Do it.
Victory should be naked! How do we get out? We don't.
We stay here.
The Council is voting.
The result should be known any second now.
Use the "buffalo" password, it overrides everything.
What are you doing? Hacking into the Royal Navy.
We're in! Here it is, uh, HMS Taurean, Trafalgar Class submarine, of Plymouth.
Right, we need to select a missile.
We can't go nuclear.
We don't have the defence codes.
We don't need it.
All we need is an ordinary missile.
What? the first category? Sub harpoon, UGM-84A.
That's the one! Select! I could stop you.
Do it, then.
You ready for this? Yeah.
Mickey the idiot, the world is in your hands.
Fire.
Oh, my God.
How solid are these? Not solid enough.
Built for short-range attack.
Nothing this big.
All right.
Now I'm making the decision.
I'm not gonna die.
We're gonna ride this one out.
It's like what they say about earthquakes.
You can survive them by standing under a doorframe.
Now, this cupboard's small, so it's strong.
Come and help me.
Come on! The vote is in.
The Council says Yes.
They are releasing the codes.
Ring, damn you! It's on radar! Counter defence 556.
Stop them intercepting it! - I'm doing it now! - Good boy.
What do you mean, "incoming"? Everybody out! Now! Now! What the hell is that for? Sir, there's a missile Sorry! That's mine.
You've got mine! Disguise me, disguise me! No, you're the blonde.
No, I've got the other one.
Take it off! Everybody, run! Run! Let's get out of here! Here we go.
Well, nice knowing you both.
Hannibal! Oh, bol Made in Britain! Oh, my God.
Are you all right? Harriet Jones, MP, Flydale North.
I want you to contact the UN immediately.
Tell the ambassadors the crisis is over.
They can step down.
- Go on.
Tell the news.
- Yes, ma'am.
Someone's got a hell of a job sorting this lot out.
Oh, Lord! We haven't even got a Prime Minister! - Maybe you should have a go.
- Me! I'm only a backbencher.
I'd vote for ya.
Now, don't be silly.
Look, I'd better go and see if I can help.
Hang on! We're safe.
The Earth is safe! Sergeant! I thought I knew the name.
Harriet Jones.
Future Prime Minister.
Elected for three successive terms.
The architect of Britain's Golden Age.
The crisis has passed! Ladies and gentlemen, I have something to say to you all here today Mankind stands tall, proud and undefeated! God bless the human race.
Mankind stands tall Harriet Jones.
Who does she think she is? Look at her, taking all the credit.
It should be you on there.
My daughter saved the world! I think the Doctor helped a bit.
All right, then.
Him, too.
You should be given knighthoods.
It's not the way he does things.
No fuss, he just moves on.
He's not that bad, if you gave him a chance.
He's good in a crisis, I'll give him that.
Oh! Now, the world has changed.
You're saying nice things about him.
I reckon I've got no choice.
There's no getting rid of him since you're infatuated.
I'm not infatuated! What does he eat? How do you mean? I was gonna do shepherd's pie.
All of us, proper sit-down.
'Cause I'm ready to listen.
I want to learn about you and him and that life you lead.
I mean, I didn't know he was an alien.
For all I know, he eats grass and safety pins, and things.
He'll have shepherd's pie.
You're gonna cook for him? What's wrong with that? He's finally met his match.
- You're not too old for a slap, you know! You can go and visit your gran tomorrow and learn some French.
I told her you were in France.
I said you were au-pairing.
Hello? Right, I'll be a couple of hours, then we can go.
You've got a phone! You think I can travel through space and time and I haven't got a phone? Huh! Like I said, couple of hours.
I've just got to send out this dispersal.
There you go.
That's cancelling out the Slitheen's advert in case any bargain hunters turn up.
Urn, my mother's cooking.
Good.
Put her on a slow heat and let her simmer.
She 3 cooking tea.
For us.
I don't do that.
She wants to get to know you.
Tough.
I've got better things to do.
It's just tea.
Not to me, it isn't.
She's my mother.
- Well, she's not mine.
- That's not fair! Well, you can stay there if you want.
But right now, there's this plasma storm brewing in the Horsehead Nebula.
Fires are burning, I could fly the Tardis right into the heart of it then ride the shock wave all the way out.
Hurtle right across the sky and end up anywhere.
Your choice.
Rose, I was thinking I've got that bottle of Amaretto from New Year's Eve.
Does he drink? I was wondering whether he drinks or not.
Yeah, he does.
Don't go, sweetheart.
Please don't go.
Good lad.
Graffiti that again and I'll have ya.
Now, beat it.
I just went down the shop.
And I was thinking, you know, like, the whole world's changed.
Aliens and spaceships all in public.
And here it is.
How can they do that? They saw it! You're just not ready.
You're happy to believe in something that's invisible, but if it's staring you in the face, "Nope, can't see it!" There's a scientific explanation for that.
You're thick.
- We're just idiots.
- Well, not all of you.
Yeah? Present for you, Mickey.
That's a virus.
Put it online, and it'll destroy every mention of me.
I'll cease to exist.
- What do you want to do that for? - 'Cause you're right.
I am dangerous.
I don't want anybody following me.
How can you say that, and then take her with you? You could look after her.
Come with us.
I can't.
This life of yours It's just too much.
I couldn't do it.
Don't tell her I said that.
I'll get a proper job.
I'll work weekends, I'll pass my test.
And if Jim comes round again, I'll say no.
- I really will.
- I'm not leaving 'cause of you.
I'm travelling, that's all, and then I'll come back.
But it's not safe.
Mum.
If you saw it out there, you'd never stay home.
Got enough stuff? The first time I stepped in there, it was spur-of-the-moment.
Now I'm signing up.
You're stuck with me.
Come with us.
There's plenty of room.
No chance.
He's a liability, I'm not having him on board.
We'd be dead without him.
My decision is final.
Sorry.
Good luck, yea h? You still can't promise me.
What if she gets lost? What if something happens to you, Doctor, and she's left all alone, standing on some moon a million light years away? How long do I wait, then? Mum, you're forgetting.
It's a time machine.
I could go travelling around suns and planets and all the way out to the edge of the universe, and by the time we get back, yeah, Just 10 seconds.
So stop worrying.
I'll see you in 10 seconds' time, yeah? Ten seconds.
- It's a great, big museum.
- An alien museum.
Someone's got a hobby.
The cage contains my one living specimen.
It must've fallen through time.
The only survivor.
It's killing him.
Do something! I swear, no one on this base is safe.
You've got to keep it in that cell.
It can't get out.
That Zack's got a billion combinations.
Civilians! Let 'em through! That thing downstairs is gonna kill every last one of us! - Where's the nearest town? - Salt Lake City.
- Population? - One million.
All dead.
If you want orders, follow this one.
Why don't you just die? We're nearly there! Give us two seconds.
I've come to help.
I'm The Doctor.
Exterminate! - Impossible.
- Exterminate!