Drifters (2013) Episode Scripts

N/A - Leia

What seems to be the problem? It's not working - not receiving calls or texts.
I'll run some tests on it, see if I can get it to ring.
I can try ringing it.
It's definitely working.
Well, it's not because I haven't had a call or a text in five days.
The phone's fine.
You just haven't had a call or a text in five days because nobody's given you a call or a text in five days.
What? Sad bastard.
Well, have you been keeping in touch with people? I updated my status three times yesterday.
Yeah, twice saying, "Is it the weekend yet?" That got four likes.
Sometimes people just drift apart and things peter out.
Peter out? My God, do you think I'm being petered out? Oh, sheesh.
Don't say "sheesh", mate.
What's everyone doing this weekend? Let's go out, let's meet people.
You're not going to like this but I'm hanging out with my amazing friend Leia.
Travelling Leia? I forgot that you know her.
Tag along.
Yeah, she's fun! I will tag along.
I mean, not "tag along", because she's my mate, too.
OK, well, look, I'll make dinner.
Just mates hanging out, having dinner, being mates, with cool Leia from travelling.
I'll see who else is around, try to win back some of these deserters.
Tastes like tyres.
It's just really short notice, Meg.
Yeah, yeah, that's the problem, I'm probably too spontaneous, if anything.
Well, enjoy making your flan.
See you around, then, mate.
Mark, mate, how's it going? Er, good, yeah.
Are you staying in again? No.
I've got a visitor.
A friend from travelling.
Very cool girl.
I'm making a savoury flan, if you care to join.
I'm OK.
Did you bring pudding? Gary only had wafers in.
Well, have a good night, girls.
Here she is! Come on in! Hi.
I'm Leia.
Hi, Mark.
I'm Leia.
Um Ah! Hi, I'm Leia.
Oh Yeah, I-I know.
I'm Meg.
Sorry, do I know you? Kerala? We shared a tent for two weeks.
Oh, yeah.
It must be the jet lag! No, funny story, actually.
I'm totally off planes.
I've been getting into boats.
I've got a thing Flan-dabbydozy! Oh, I can't eat this.
I'm freegan.
It's a political thing.
I'm resisting capitalism mainly by boycotting all the major conglomerates.
I don't like the look of it either.
So if it's easier, just tell her.
No, it's part of my belief system.
Hence why I don't work and I've lived rent-free for two years now.
Do you just suck off your landlord or summat? No, it's easy to find free accommodation when you know where to look.
You guys don't mind if I crash, right? No, I mean, Stay as long as you like.
You can have my bed.
Or the Lilo.
We've got a perfectly decent Lilo.
So, Leia Freeganism.
Tell me more.
Well, basically I don't buy food.
Is that why you're so slim? Thought you were going out, Mark? Thanks.
No, I do a lot of skipping.
Oh, now we're talking! I used to skip all the time.
Double Under, Criss-Cross, Jumping Jacks.
But I was advised to stop due to my abnormal gait.
My feet have low arches Not this again.
I didn't actually mean skipping with a rope.
I meant a skip with food in it.
This is really cool, guys! And also trespassing.
Oh, fortunatus! Crabsticks, guys! Coco Pops! This is mint.
I've always wanted to do this but I thought people would think I were a scuffer.
Didn't realise I was being political.
Yoghurts! Disgusting.
These aren't even passed their sell-by date.
Oh, God, there's something moving! Oh.
Hello, puss-puss! Oh, Meg, look! A little pussycat! Meg! Can we take it home? Obviously not.
You still keeping a lookout, Mel? It's Meg.
Yeah, I am, but could you hurry up? Excuse me, what's going on here? Um, guys, there's a security guard coming.
I mean, he's already here.
Don't worry, guys, I've got this.
Is there a problem, Officer? Yes, there is, actually.
I said is there a problem, Officer? Er No.
No problem.
Didn't think so.
You're amazing! I've never met anyone like you! Right.
Well, I think that's bedtime.
Oh, you don't want to stay up, Mel? Meg.
We've all got work tomorrow.
Well, I know a place that's open round the corner if we want to carry on the party.
It's 10pm, Mark.
You can't go out at 10pm! What are you, Spanish? Ah, fuckin' let's 'ave it! Yes, Laura.
Oh, my God, I haven't shown you my shark bite! "Meh-meh-meh shark bite!" Laura, get up.
Can we please get rid of this fuckin' cat? Morning, campers! Morning ladies.
Laura! Oh, what a night! Work.
Right, I'm ready.
Mark? Can I have a word? Nice nose ring, by the way.
Er, this? So I know she's been smoking in here.
Pot, probably.
It's just a rolly.
And this IS my room.
You've been breaking house rules, Mark.
We didn't have sex, Meg.
Didn't say you did.
Don't know why you're bringing that up.
Just in case it was bothering you.
Well, be careful.
Because she's travelled through some of the most beautiful and exotic parts of the planet.
What I'm trying to say is, she's probably got AIDS.
Meg! What? We didn't have sex.
We just stayed up all night talking.
No, you didn't.
This isn't a sexual thing.
We've really bonded.
Bet you fingered her.
We're mates.
I'm sorry if that's such an alien concept to you.
Er Feeling rough, are we? I'm hangin'.
It were worth it, though.
Best night of me life.
I wasn't there, so can't have been that good.
Leia says she doesn't get hangovers.
She meditates the pain away.
Do you know, she was once asked to join the Pakistani intelligence service in Kabul? You're either against the man or you are the man.
The government's lizards, Leia said.
She's so smart.
Leia once diagnosed an orang-utan with autism.
And also Leia says all animals are just unevolved humans Do you have a problem with Leia, Meg? What? No! No.
No! No.
Don't get me wrong, I LIKE Leia, I like her a lot.
It's just unfortunately I don't agree with her politics, that's all.
So that does get in the way.
It's a real shame.
So does that mean you're not coming to the illegal rave tonight because of your politics? What illegal rave? Leia's got us all guest list.
Didn't she tell you? And Mark.
What's he got to do with it? Well, he's coming, too.
Well You all have a great time with my ex-boyfriend, who I thought you hated, and the amazing Leia, who is actually just a bit of a mental slutty junkie.
I'm joking.
Can you just remind me of the house rules, Mark? I've forgotten them.
No smoking or wanking in the living room.
No talking unless you make eye contact first.
And I can't go inside your room, relatives or friends.
Oh, yeah, the last one.
Just before you go to this rave, may I remind you that Leia is MY friend first.
She doesn't actually know your name.
Yeah, that's just a joke that we have as friends.
Right, well, we're both friends with Leia, so that's settled.
Leia's not your friend, Mark.
She's just using you.
Why's she using me? Because she just wants to shag you because you're fit and that is an insult.
OK, Meg, you have a good night.
And if you do end up shagging her, I'll be watching.
Not watching, but listening.
Or while stocks last.
'The price is breathtaking.
'The perfect gift.
'I'll take a breath.
Cos I've got to order mine.
' It really is a bargain, actually.
Oh, you absolute prick! Right.
Sssss! Off you piss, you little fucker.
It's not that far down! Hi, Meg, is everything OK? Oh, hi.
I'm trying to get rid of this mangy piece-of-shit stray cat.
Oh, she's so cute.
I love cats! I do.
They're amazing.
Has someone just abandoned the poor thing? Yeah.
People are awful.
Well, I suppose I could take her in for a bit.
You'd better come inside.
Oh, OK.
I meant the cat.
I'm just staying in tonight.
All my friends have gone to an illegal rave but it's not really my thing.
Don't you hate the idea of everyone else having fun without you? What if tonight is the best night they've ever had and they talk about it for ever? Yeah.
Do you want to come to an illegal rave, Scott? No.
I'm 33.
Can you smell piss? Guest list only.
Yeah, I should be on my friend Leia's list, my name is Meg.
I've got a Mel but no Meg.
Right, yes.
My name is Mel.
You just said you were Meg.
I can't let you in.
Oh, come on! Is there a problem, Officer? What? I said, is there a problem, Officer? Nice try but you still need a wristband.
It's because I've got tiny tits, isn't it? I knew it.
Can you move aside, please? Look at me.
Where else am I going to go now? The early '90s? God, are you OK? I'm a bit battered.
Need to get home.
Where's home? Ayai Napa, Sunbeach villas.
All right, Meg.
I thought you weren't coming.
Yeah, well, I decided to put politics to one side, for one night, like you said.
I forgot how much I love raves.
You missed the best bit! Leia started a Mexican wave round the whole place.
'Course she did.
Do you want a drink? Drinks are well expensive so I'm being political as fuck.
You mean you're stealing people's drinks.
Leia calls it foraging.
Come on, tag along.
I'll I'll stay here.
I'm just gonna rave! I LOVE to rave! Give me some of that, Mark.
Hmm? Bloody hell, Meg! Whatever, Mark.
I'm just loving life, having it large.
Skank on! What has Meg taken? Nothing, she always dances like that.
Awww! The pigs are here! It's the rozzers! Oh shit, the police are here! It's the police.
Stay where you are.
Don't worry, guys, I've got this.
Is there a problem, Officer? Yes, there is a bit.
I said, is there a PROBLEM, Officer? Oh! Oh! Fuckin' 'ell! Jesus! For fuck's sake! Why is it so fuckin' hairy? Control, we have Victor Alpha Golf.
Well, that happened.
Put your rat away, Meg.
You're going to have to come down the station with us.
What?! Have you been using any illegal substances tonight? No! Really? Oh, come on, I haven't done anything wrong! I only got my fanny out.
That's not a crime! See you at home, Meg! Leia, have you got my hat? Oh no, I gave it away.
You did what? I guess someone inside wanted it or whatever so I gave it away.
Oh, OK.
It wasn't fucking yours to give away.
That was MY rave hat.
Whoa, Laura, it's just a material possession.
It was reclaimed, OK? That were mine! It belongs to ME.
I paid for it.
Now it's gone.
Maybe you just weren't meant to have it anymore.
Let it go.
No, I won't let it go.
Get back here, slag! Laura, down! Wow.
We'll go and look for it.
We might still be able to find it.
Or something like it.
Mm? My red hat! Outraging public decency? You're literally outrageous, Meg! Well, it was just a caution.
It was epic.
Yeah, she never was one for waxing.
There's me thinking you were totally uptight and possessive.
But you just don't give a shit, do you? What, me? No.
Not really.
Sorry if I was a bit weird with you in the beginning.
I was just feeling a bit left out.
Well we can't have that, can we? Eesh, house rules, Mark? Hey, Meg, do you still have feelings for Mark? God, no.
So, this isn't weird? No.
It's fine.
Is this weird? No.
How about this? If I say yes, will you think I'm uptight again? I liked it.
Mmm Come on, Meg, let's just be ourselves.
I'm up for it! Uh No! No, no, no, no.
I think just you two have a threesome first and then I'll join in.
You really don't have to.
No, I will.
I just really like watching.
Oooh! Yes! This is right up my street.
Whoa! Wow! Ohh! Hot.
It's kind of putting me off! Either shit or get off the pot.
Fine, I'll just listen then.
Because that is very sexy.
I find the sounds arousing.
How about that, Meg? Do you like that? Mmm, God yeah, this is nice.
Oh, that is great.
Oh, yes! That is tip-top.
Go on, yeah, keep doing that.
Oooh! Yes! I am getting all aroused.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God, you are actually doing it now, aren't you? I'm not being rude, Mark, but are you wearing a condom? Meg! It's OK! I'm on the pill.
Fuck the rules, Meg? Well, it's that attitude that leads to epidemics.
I've told you, Meg, she hasn't got AIDS! Excuse me.
I never said that.
You did.
I just meant, you've been to a lot of exotic countries and you're very free.
Jesus Christ! Have you any idea how insulting that is? OK, OK, don't get cross.
We're all having a lovely time, aren't we? Just mates, all together being mates, having a threesome.
I think you should leave.
Well, no.
This is MY flat! I think YOU should leave, actually.
Because I've had just about enough of all your freedom.
I want to go back to a normal house, with structure and rules and, and boundaries.
THAT sounds fun! Why does everything have to be fun with you? Hi, guys.
Oh, weird energy, what's happened? She tried to bloody sex me with Mark.
And you stole my friends, cos actually, you're just a massive sponging, jobless, homeless bellend who eats her tea out of a bin like a prick.
Yeah, well, at least I didn't get my gash out in front of the police.
Yeah, well, at least I haven't got any STDs all the time! Is the threesome off then? Well, if that's everything.
And you sold me hat.
But I found it again.
But I am so very pissed off! I still think you're amazing, call me tomorrow.
I'm, er I'll just go and see if she feels like a twosome.
Where's the cat? Let's just say it's been reclaimed.
I think I'm gonna take this out.
I don't want to be political any more, it hurts.
Can I just say, neither of you were being political.
Get your fanny out, Meg! Fuck's sake!