Drifters (2013) Episode Scripts

N/A - Vanilla

1 BORED SIGH What's wrong, Gary? I've been working it for 15 minutes - and nothing.
Are you tired? Look, it's just earlier today I may have had one or two cheeky wanks.
Well, which was it? One or two? Have you been spaffing to porn again? You're meant to be on a porn diet.
You're addicted.
I'm not addicted, it's my hobby.
Well, give it a rest, cos when you can get it up it's no fun for me either.
Alright, I'll try.
He just can't seem to get excited by the real thing anymore.
It's all just a bit vanilla.
I've seen things, Laura, things I can't unsee.
SIGHS # I'm so excited # Oh-oh-oh-oh! Someday, someday, Leeds United! I were hoping work was gonna help me forget Gary's useless knob.
Hey! Enough sex talk, focus on the condoms, please? It's bad enough having to stand in till Bunny arrives.
You didn't have to wear her costume, Malcolm.
I can see your nipples.
That's a lie, Meg, because mine are inverted.
Bugger off.
So sorry.
Slept through my alarm.
And then I went shopping.
Put this on, please? Urgh.
Malcolm, it's damp.
Don't worry, it's not sweat.
It's Vaseline.
How can you afford all that on what he pays us? Daddy gave me his credit card to use for emergencies.
How is this is an emergency? The Harvey Nichols sale ends today.
I see you got some stilts.
You know what they say, if the shoe fits, buy them.
And if they don't, just buy them anyway and take painkillers.
It's Dad.
He must know I've used his card.
ENDS CALL Find My Phone? Who's using Find My Phone? Oh, shit! He's tracking me.
RINGS Oh, God, now he's ringing me again.
Hanging up.
That'll fix it.
So, what is the word - literally - on the street? Gary said I'm too "vanilla".
He don't find me sexy anymore.
Course he does, Laura.
He finds everything sexy.
I can understand why you're angry, Laura, porn is so degrading to women.
It makes us feel like objects.
Yeah, like an object nobody wants, like a book.
You know what they say.
If you can't beat 'em, join 'em.
I aren't doing porn, you have to change your name.
I think she means watch porn with him.
Meg? Kate! Oh, my God.
I haven't seen you since we left school.
B6 Biology Biatches.
B6 Biology Biatches.
Oh, my God, what have you been up to? Oh, well, a few years back I opened a coffee stall in Harrogate out the back of a repurposed rickshaw.
Not bad.
- I've been - The business has grown into a chain of successful boutique coffee shops and I'm about to expand the franchise in to nine more cities.
What about you? Um, similar.
I-I'm working in communications for for a high-end purveyor of upmarket rubber Jonathans.
I'm a big believer in safe sex.
It's my passion.
Meg, hun, who made you wear this degrading thing? Hello.
Can I interest you in heightening your sensual pleasure whilst lowering the risk of Chlamydia today? Him.
He made me do this.
Are you aware that by the age of 17, 78 percent of girls are self-conscious about their body image, all thanks to ignorant men like you objectifying intelligent women like these? God, you're a business dinosaur and, like the actual dinosaurs, you'll soon be extinct.
Do you understand what I'm saying? You don't like the slutty outfits? No, I do not like the slutty outfits, and neither will the Equality and Human Rights Commission when I report this.
I'll talk to head office straightaway.
And please, by way of an apology, have some free spunk bags.
Meg, it has been so lovely seeing you.
LinkedIn me, yeah? I want to have sex with her life.
Right then.
So, what kind do you wanna watch? I dunno, what do you wanna watch? Anything you wanna watch really.
You choose.
No, you choose.
Ladies first, honestly.
Well, you're the expert.
What are you into? Well, I dunno.
Um I quite like .
this kind? WOMAN MOANING No.
Let's build up to that.
What about Hot Dirty Blondes? Nah.
Something else.
What about KEYS CLICK .
this? MILFs? As in mums? Mums I'd Like To Yeah.
Is that okay? Sexy XXX MILFs, Porn MILF on MILF action, Two MILFs one cup.
Lager-drinking MILF gets shagged? MILFs behaving badly.
OVER COMPUTER "It's just ridiculous" She can't be a mum, she's fucking my age.
And those are not the tits of someone who's breastfed.
"Oh, Jimmy.
Oh, my God.
If your father heard you talking like that" Hang on, is she his mum? Stepmum.
"I'm serious" Ugh! "I'm fucking serious.
" That's not how you get a lad to tidy his room.
"Oh, my God" Maybe it is.
Oh, that's convenient.
I thought she were annoyed with him, now she's sucking him off.
Shhh! Why do girls always have to talk through films? The plot's all over the place, Gary.
Oh, that is so hot.
I would love it if you did that to me.
Yeah, and I'd like it if you had a six pack, and a big fat swinging dick that lasted 45 minutes.
Can't always get what we want, can we?! Where are you going? Fancy dress party? What's the theme? American bingo ladies? I'm going to see Kate at one of her cafes.
How funny is this, it's called Bean & Scone.
It's "scoane".
Why are you drinking coffee before you go to a coffee shop? I thought you hated it anyway.
Me? No.
I love it.
Didn't you once have an allergic reaction to coffee where you had hallucinations? You said you could see noises.
Kate is just the sort of person I should be hanging out with.
Hoping some of her success rubs off on me.
What, like her dress sense has? Pfft.
Says the girl whose dress sense is "smart casual-ly stealing from her father".
I've had a tough week, I feel like I've earned it.
Your dad has.
How are the stilts? I've fallen over twice, but who cares when I look this good? Yeah, you look drunk.
You do realise he's gonna make you take it all back once he tracks you down? Wrong.
How can he track me down when my phone isn't on? You're just gonna keep it switched off till, what, you die? No.
Just until the store's return policy runs out.
28 days without a phone? You won't last half an hour.
28 days? Is that how long it is? Hold on, I'm just gonna Google that.
I can't use my phone.
That horny twat's been wanking himself dry over MILFs.
What have MILFs got that I haven't? Children? I don't trust internet MILFs.
I reckon most of them aren't even mothers anyway.
I mean, who's looking after the kids? Probably at school.
Nine o'clock, drop the kids off.
9:30, film a shag.
Couple of blowies.
Pick the kids up again.
What are you doing? I'm a MILF, Gary.
Like one of those internet ones you've been creaming over.
Ah, yes.
Have I been naughty? Yeah, I asked you to tidy your room, but look at it, it's a pigsty.
Am I gonna be punished? I should be putting a hot wash on.
Oh, yeah, keep talking, you dirty MILF.
I should be putting a hot wash on but I'm so knackered from lugging round all this baby weight.
I'm just a tired, horny MILF.
This is so wrong.
I know, I shouldn't be feeling all these feelings about my son.
I shouldn't be here.
But I can't control myself.
We can't control ourselves.
This is really turning me on, Laura.
Yeah, well, tidy up this shithole and get your cock out.
This is so naughty, keep talking.
I shouldn't be thinking all these things about you.
Like what? You're useless.
You're a waste of time.
You're gonna fail all your exams, you thick bastard.
No wonder Dad left.
What? Laura, you sound like my real mum.
I'm not Laura, I'm Gill.
Gill's my mum's name.
Yeah, exactly.
No, don't be my actual mum.
I don't fancy my real mum.
You've taken it too far.
He's gone soft now.
Ohh! Well, at least I'm trying! If I don't turn you on, Gary, just come out and say it.
It's time for drastic measures.
No, Laura! You do turn me on, Laura! SIGHS Are you still putting a hot wash on? BELL TINKLES Free of charge, because you're making a difference One espresso, please? I'm hearing you.
One espresso.
One espresso.
Oh, hi, Meg.
What up, biatch? What up, you bitch.
So, can anyone get a free coffee or? Oh, only those supporting charities.
In this case, the fight against bipolar disorder.
Why fight it I say? I'm hearing you.
I've got an uncle with bipolar, he's a right laugh - but sometimes he does want to kill himself.
No, we all feel a bit like that sometimes, don't we, before we've had our first coffee in the morning, am I right? Mmm Do you fancy a latte? Yeah, do I? Cos it's not like I don't like coffee, cos I do.
Death to decaf, that's what I say.
Two lattes, there you go.
Cool cups.
Why doesn't everyone use these? Sit with me.
GULPS Oh, look at us, back together again, you with your napkins and your franchise and your bloody successful life.
Me with PHONE BLEEPS It's another batch of CVs from the agency.
I really didn't think it'd be this hard to find a new store manager.
What skills might be required for such a position? You need to be very organised.
Someone who's good at listening and taking things on board.
If I've listened to that and taken it on board correctly, you need someone who's good at both listening and taking things on board.
The hardest thing is just finding someone who can think outside the box.
Er, coffee.
Frothy cheese.
Chocolate sprinkles.
Sell 'em to the French.
BOTH LAUGH God, it is so fun having you around.
Wait a minute, do you have you any previous hot beverage preparation experience? Me? Shitloads.
Yeah, yeah, tea, coffee, Ovaltine, Pot Noodle, you name it, I've poured hot water on it, sister.
Why don't you come and work for me? Erm, let me just think about that.
Yes! I'm hearing you.
Obviously we can't completely bypass the interview.
But it's just be me asking the questions, and it's 90 percent personality anyway.
Personality? Ooh, has anyone around here got one of those? LAUGHS Me.
So what is your current notice period? Er, just the time it takes me to text Malcolm.
Let's do this, biatch.
Ah! CLICKS AND WHIRS What are you doing? No Instagram, so I am taking a photo of my food and then I'm going to post it to some friends.
Once I pick it up from Snappy Snaps.
Bunny, you sound like a technological dinosaur - and you know what happens to them, don't you? They stand in the living room talking to me? Do you even know how to use that phone? You're thinking outside the box, I'm hearing you.
Another latte, Meg.
You've been downing those all day.
Liquid research.
What can I say? I've got a very mature palate.
And a really fast-pumping heart.
And a headache.
And I feel a bit sick.
Meg, you won't be able to sleep at this rate.
Yeah, I'm hearing you, but it's just Kate interviewing me so it's going to be a piece of piss.
Me and K are like this Oh.
Hmm GROANS Are you trying to cross your fingers? I think it might be the caffeine.
SHE SIGHS Thank you.
Like this.
So, this is actual Viagra? HE GULPS RETCHES I paid 25 quid for those, Gary - plus postage from Pyongyang! I'm not seeing them go to waste.
- I can't swallow big pills! - Oh, grow some bollocks.
It's a medical condition - and there's nothing you can take for it.
GUTTURAL GARGLING Swallow it, you pussy! Agh! Oh! Oh, for f When Mum wanted me to take big pills she used to sprinkle them on ice cream.
Can we not bring your mum into this? CRUNCHING You hard yet? Not yet.
SHE SIGHS I might need another bowl.
God, my feet are actually killing me.
Are we nearly home yet? Wait, where are we? At my interview for Bean & Scone.
It's "scoane".
Meg, this is extremely selfish, how am I supposed to get home? Keep walking there? It's ten minutes.
How? You can't get home without the map on your phone, can you? No, and I don't wanna use Daddy's credit card to get a cab.
That'd be taking the piss.
Finally found it - the moral boundary.
Wasn't sure there was one.
I suppose I'll just have to wait for you then.
SHE SIGHS God, I'm bored already.
Latte? Why not? Mmm.
You haven't slept, have you? Not a wink.
How's my breath? Have I got a furry tongue? Megan Keswick, they're ready for you.
Can I come with? No, thanks.
Already got enough friends in there.
Voila, bi atch CLICKS Megan, may I introduce you to the venture capitalists who control 90 percent of my company.
As I said, it's just a formality.
Latte? We've been trying out the new machine.
Do I ever? Mmm Hmm Mmm.
Let me guess, Colombian roast? Peruvian blend.
Peruvian blend.
Yep, that's what I thought it was.
It's my favourite one.
Mmm Mmm Mmm.
That is great.
Now, Megan, you mentioned you had some previous experience of customer-facing commercial beverage preparation.
Please elaborate.
Yes, Kate.
Well, er, I've had so much customer-facing commercial beverage preparation experience, it's hard to choose just one.
As this is the first question, it's probably best if you did.
Yeah, great.
Great Sorry, can you repeat the question? BONE CLICKS Argh! Oh, my ankle.
I think I need a doctor? Let's try a different question.
What is the perfect ratio for a flat white? Great.
Great, yeah.
Aaaah! Eeeee! I can't use my phone.
GRUNTS Meg, I can't get up.
It's just flat, and then a bit of white It's just LAUGHS You're nervous, that's fine.
OK, Meg, the guys would like to see your coffee-making skills.
Here we go.
How do you take it? Milk? Sugar? We'd like you to make a venti skinny three-pump peppermint decaf mocha.
One of those coming right up.
No, "venti".
Oh, venti.
Which agency sent her? Personal recommendation.
A wobbly start, but I'm sure she knows what she's doing.
No, Meg, that's my Young Businesswoman of the Year Award.
Venti! The large ones on the right, sweetheart.
MUFFLED CRIES Meg, help! (Fuck off.
) My foot! Meg? Yep, I'm hearing you.
Large cups.
My foot.
Meg! LOUD HISS Fuck me, that's loud! Okay, well, they've changed the model.
It used to come out of the other one.
LOUD HISS Eight minutes and you're still going? This is a new personal best.
My ballsack's rock solid.
I'm scared! I'm gonna change position.
My knees are blistering, Gaz.
Ohh! Jesus, are you getting close yet? Not even a twitch.
After this I'm gonna bone you again and then again.
I'll just let it cool down for a moment.
Please, Gaz When will it end? Ah, ah, I'm sorry.
Maybe we should get the laptop? Not a chance.
Forget it! You've ruined our sex life, Gaz, with your internet grot.
We've tried everything.
Agh Right, you're going on a porn diet whether you like it or not.
And I'm taking this.
No, not the router! And this.
Call me when you're at half-mast.
Noooo! Okay.
Were you just sick? Wasn't.
Haven't done a sick.
She was.
I saw it.
She was sick in that cup.
I think we should stop the interview.
No! Meg, were you sick? No, it's just frothy milk.
Look, I trust Meg 100 percent.
I've known this girl since school, she wouldn't lie.
If she says she wasn't sick in that cup, she wasn't sick in the cup.
I wasn't sick in the cup.
SHE GULPS She was sick in the cup.
We will be in touch.
No, you won't.
Meg! Help me! What the fuck? Oh, hi, Meg.
Do you know her? No.
Meg! She's bipolar.
Did you forget to take your meds, you mental cunt? MEG GROANS Kate, we need to have a dialogue about this.
Yeah, okay.
Meg, will you just get out? Yeah, doing that now, Kate, mate.
I'll LinkedIn you, yeah? Oh, Meg.
I don't think my life could get much worse.
Well, this is an improvement.
Er, girls, please.
Sorry, "ladies".
I mean "humans".
The important point is, your outfits now no longer objectify women.
You're welcome.
I am single-handedly moving gender equality in the promo distribution industry into the 20th century.
21st century.
Well, baby steps.
Shame on you! Right now, hang on a minute.
Excuse me? This is hilarious.
CLICKS Phone's back on, then? Oh, yeah, good news.
Dad wasn't ringing about the credit card after all, turns out my auntie's died, thank God.
How's Gary's penis? Dieting.
So I take it you didn't get the job then, Meg? Nope.
It's cool though, Yes.
Even if you were dressed as a johnny? Yeah.
Well, good, cos she's here now.
Kate! Kate.
Biatch! Ah, she obviously hasn't seen me.
Biatch! Kate, it's me.
Biatch! It's me.
Literally a massive dick.
Biatch! Biatch! # Johnny, Johnny, Johnny, Johnny, he's a regular boy # Johnny, Johnny, Johnny, Johnny, he's a regular boy # He's the best boy in the town # He's good at bowling, man He's the best boy in the town, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!