Drifters (2013) s03e02 Episode Script


Oh, hello.
Er, my card's not working.
I think it might have been cloned.
OK, Ms Keswick.
It's "Miss" actually.
I'll read out your recent transactions.
Booze Busters plc, £38? Guilty! A direct debit for superamazingpuzzles.
com, £22.
And one recent payment to Oh! What? What is it? £53 to breastenhancercups.
uk? Pfff.
Fraud or what! Is it? No.
"Lozzerchops! Just wondering, "how much money have you got at the moment?" Oh, 50p.
"Excited about tonight?" Well, no, because we can't afford to go out.
But it's Apocalash Oh, hang on, Bunny's ringing me.
Oh! Megamix! Hang on, I'm a bit busy.
You rang me.
Return, please.
Meg, I was just wondering I haven't got any money.
I'll ask Laura.
Just asked her.
Er, nice try.
But clearly these have all been worn.
Shit! Shit! Shit! No, you can't have an "advance".
Right, well, do excuse me I need to have a word with my colleagues.
He's bluffing.
Money people always do this I saw it on the telly.
We just need to call his bluff, agreed? Oh, yeah! Wait, wait! No, what? Malcolm, unfortunately, we are looking for a higher investment opportunity, so, with that in mind, I'm afraid we will have to withdraw our assets.
What assets? Your tits? No, ourselves as employees.
I'm afraid, Malcolm, we're out.
Well, see you later then.
I'll need your uniforms back.
All the bobby best, girls.
Thank you.
Is this part of the plan? Because it feels like we lost our jobs.
We did, yeah.
Laura, now that I am no longer your authority figure, would it be out of the question to take you on that dinner date? I'd rather you killed me.
Go on.
Not to worry.
Nobody worry.
Do not worry.
I've got a plan B.
You need money, don't you? No! I just thought I'd pop in.
Everything's absolutely fine.
Your brother said you asked him for food.
Grassing little shit.
It was a joke.
Why aren't you at work? I could ask you the same question, Mum.
I always pop home at lunchtime for a pork sandwich.
I really hope that's not a euphemism.
Depends what mood your dad's in.
Well, we get very tired at bedtime.
In many ways, it's actually the worse time for intercourse.
Why are you telling me this! Anyway, we've decided you've sponged quite enough.
The bank of Mum and Dad is closed.
Please! I just need enough to tide me over while I deal with this whole bloody saga.
What saga? Losing my job.
Oh, Meg! That was the bit I was supposed to not tell you.
Soup? Is this the only food we've got? We are going to starve to death.
Good news.
I've got an audition to play a busty redhead in a sofa commercial! How is that good news? Oh, yeah, I've got a job and all.
Oh, well, it's a job interview but it's at Uncle Sam's to be a waitress so it's in the bag.
Well, these are both long-term selfish solutions to what is a very immediate shared problem.
Meg, will you calm down? Everything's going to be OK.
Don't forget it's Apocalash tonight.
Oh, yeah! We can sell our Apocalash tickets to buy food! Ow! Laura! Not thinking straight, are you? No.
Sorry, Laura.
It's just, I haven't eaten for a day and I'm really hungry and I'm scared about not having a job and I think I might die.
In other words, you need a good night out.
Really? Because what it feels I need is a good meal in.
Let's all meet in town and we'll take you for a makeover to take your mind off the fact that you have no money and no future.
And wear something slutty so the boys will buy us drinks.
Might they buy us food? OK, test me.
"A busty redhead in revealing clothes" That's me! ".
struts in with a glass of wine.
" This sofa, it's only £599.
Nah, mate.
They always say five-nine-nine.
Sounds cheaper.
This sofa, it's only five-nine-nine.
Oh, yes! And are you gonna do an accent? Argh! This sofa it only be five-nine-nine.
What were that? It was supposed to be a regional accent.
Why, was it bad? Where are you supposed to be from? Anywhere but boarding school.
We have a work-hard, play-hard philosophy here at Uncle Sam's.
We want you to be happy, customers pick up on that.
We pool all the tips, we offer free meals and Oh, hello, a latecomer.
Yeah, come on in, grab a drink and sit down.
Ah, yes.
You must be Laura Wiley, is that right? Yeah.
Right, here you go.
OK, er, you've got a wine.
Actually, can you get rid of it? OK.
Um, let's make a start, shall we? Let's go around the room and I want you to tell me in three words what brings you here today.
I'll start.
Er, Good.
Opportunity Fantastic.
Er, Jonathan.
It's a bit complicated.
Just three words, Jonathan.
That's Yeah.
I'm Stu, I'm the director.
This is Sam the producer.
Hi, I'm Bunny.
Great, yeah, this is great.
Are you local, Bunny? Yeah.
I live in Headingley.
Sorry? I live in Headingley.
Oh, great, cool.
Well, shall we go for one? In your own time, Bunny.
This sofa, it's only five-nine-nine.
Er Shall we Let's try a different accent.
How about Liverpool? Eh! Eh! Eh! This sofa, it's only five-nine-nine, like! Er, Irish? Let me tell you bout dis sofa, dis sofa, it's only five-nine-nine.
How about Birmingham? Birmingham.
This sofa, it's only five-nine-nine.
Oh, we'll be in contact.
Thank you very much.
It's the moment of truth.
We're about to find out who has made it through to the next training round in Harewood tomorrow.
I'm going to split you into two groups.
Please step aside when I call your name.
Group A.
Laura Wiley, Jonathan Howe.
Oh, hang on a minute.
Everyone else, group B.
This can't be right, he's a perv.
Sorry, yes, er, we'll create a group C.
Jonathan, you're group C.
Thought so.
The group going to Harewood is group .
It's group B.
Congratulations, group B.
Well done.
Um, what about group C? Yes, sorry.
Everyone in group C can reapply when things get cleared up.
What about group A? I'm afraid it's an outright no.
So I've lost out to a sex offender? "Alleged" sex offender.
Ugh! Fine! Knobheads! Sorry about this.
So, is it for a special occasion? Yeah, we're all skint.
Yet huge purchasers of make-up.
What are you wearing tonight, Meg? This? Oh, what are them? You look like a fucking disciple or something.
Right, this is an emergency.
Help her.
No, really, I'm fine.
So, is it your pores? What's wrong with my pores? Well, it's just that they're visible.
I can cover them up for you, though? That was my stomach, it wasn't a fart.
Oh! Right.
So, my eyes, personally, are drawn towards the middle area of your face, so what I'm going to do is I'm going to bring down the nose.
Bring down? You know, create the illusion that it's flatter and less .
there? I see.
And then we'll see what we can do about these eyebrows! OK? Oh, yeah.
Definitely the eyebrows.
I think so.
So annoying, yet validating.
Good sign.
Blokes will be falling over themselves to buy us drinks.
I'm not having this.
Excuse me! You can't do that, you know? It is rude or illegal or something.
Oh, God, no.
Sorry, we weren't whistling at you.
Oh, good.
No, we was whistling at those two pretties.
You all right, mate? Yeah, yeah, I'm fine, yeah.
Just think my blood sugar's a bit low.
Come on, let's make the most of that pout.
Three more tap waters, please.
I don't get this.
Why's no-one buying us drinks? Meg, keep square on.
Maybe they're intimidated by our threateningly good looks.
Shall we play a game? Oh, yeh! Paper, scissors, stone.
One, two, three.
Ha! Right, Meg, the forfeit is, you've got to go to the bar and get a bloke to buy you a drink.
Absolutely not.
Oh, my gosh! They've called me for a second audition tomorrow! Ah, nice one.
Er, Meg, see if you can get champagne.
I'm not doing it.
Is this your bag? Yes.
Right, go fetch! Bunny! Right, I've got to do another accent.
You got any ideas? Er, Ukraine? No, no, no.
It's got to be from a real place.
Huh! Hello! Crowded, isn't it? Yep.
Have you been here before? No.
I like your T-shirt.
It's very, very sexy.
Phwoar! Oh, right.
Oh! I'm Meg.
Ed? Good, good, Ed.
Do you give good 'ead, Ed? What? I'm sorry.
Are you getting a drink, Ed? Yes.
So we're both getting drinks then? Yeah.
Well, you go first.
No, um, after you.
No, honestly, you were first.
No, I weren't.
Look, can I take your order, please? I'll get these then, shall I? Pint of Taps, please.
Right, well, I'll just pay for it then.
Right, cheers.
Oopsy! What about Isle of Wight-ish? Oh, for fuck's sake! Blokes don't buy girls drinks in bars any more.
That's just something that happens to Cameron Diaz in romcoms.
Oh, I'll do it.
Looking away.
Looking back.
He's coming over.
You do the talking and I'll ignore him.
Bollocks! That did not work.
Is this the party table? Hello.
I'm Bunny.
Hi, Bunny.
I'm Jonathan.
Oh, my God! It's the sex pest! That was a misunderstanding.
I was never found guilty.
Can I get you a drink? Yeah.
You can buy us all a drink.
Can you keep talking? I need to hear your accent, it's for research.
How fun for me.
How fun for me.
Well, I'm going to the bar.
Well, I'm going to the bar, so Bottle of wine, please, Jonathan.
A BOTTLE of wine? Er, yeah.
So, is that everyone for wine? Actually, can I have a fajita? A What? Er, chicken or halloumi.
I don't mind.
Oh, you're the funny one.
What the hell, Meg? You can't ask a bloke for food.
It's like fifth-date stuff.
It's the same price! Oh, God! I'm so hungry.
I honestly think I might faint.
When he comes back, we grab the wine and go, right? I want to talk to him more.
No, you want him to buy you food.
Meg, we're not drinking with someone on the register.
Can I just say, I'm not actually on any register at all? Oh, whatever.
We all need toilet.
No, we don't.
Yes, we do.
Well, I don't agree with going to the toilet .
in bars.
Oh, just leave her.
I'll get another.
My lawyer says I'll get off because there's no evidence but the accusation's enough.
She wanted to destroy me and, in a way, she has.
Zoinks! You poor thing.
If it's any consolation, you don't seem like a sex offender to me.
I'd never take advantage of anyone.
No, me neither.
That goes without saying.
Er, right, Meg, come on.
We're off now.
Oh, no.
I think I'm going to stay.
What's he been saying? Is he buying you a kebab or summat? No.
He all right, I like him.
Right, fine.
What does "no" mean? No means no? Is this a rape test? Yes.
You do realise that won't actually guarantee my safety? Right, text us when you leave here.
Again, not a guarantee.
I'll be honest, now that we've made the joke, I do feel a bit safer.
Huh! One for the road? Tonight was fun.
Can I kiss you? OK.
Actually, sorry.
I just, I just need you to say yes.
Oh, right.
Um, er Yes, er, yes, you may kiss me.
Shall I get us a Kebab.
cab? What? What? A Cab? Yeah.
Are you looking for something? No, no, no, no.
I was, um I was just thinking maybe we could get some food involved? Oh! Kinky.
Is that what you want? Yes.
Then, it's OK.
Mmm! Mmmmm! So juicy.
Mmm! So salty.
Oh! You squirted.
OK! Ha! Oh! Mmmm! What flavour is that? Er, berry medley.
Oh, yep.
Down it goes.
Mmmmm! Mmmmmmm! No way! Do you want me to stop? Yes! What? No, no.
This is fine, everything is OK.
Mmmmmm! Mmmmmmmm! Oh, my God! Oh! Ha! Huh! OK.
Oh, that's a little pancake.
Ohhhhhhhh! Sexy.
Ahhhhh-ohhhhh! Oh, it's cold.
Oh! Oh! Oh, fucking, yes! Is this turning you on? Yes! Um! Oh! Soy sauce? Oh! Um Oh! Oh, yeah.
No, Meg.
No, Meg.
Meg! Oh, fucking hell.
Meg! God, this is so good! No, Meg, please stop, stop, stop, stop.
Meg, stop! This feels wrong.
Oh, my God! I'm so sorry.
You're absolutely right.
I should heat it up.
She's back! Er, your agent tells me you've been working on a new regional accent for us? Aye, and I cannae wait to tell ye all aboot it.
I have been eating haggis up in the Highlands and I have been working on my Scottish all neet, man? Oh! Ilkley? Fuck! You off then? Um, er, yes.
Er, sorry about the, um Oh, it's There's a train station at the end of Actually, maybe you should get a cab.
Do you need some cash? Er, no, honestly it's No, no, it's fine, I've got a 20 here you can have.
Keep it.
Seems like you need it.
Oh, my God! Did he assault you? No.
If anything, I assaulted him.
Got so hungry, I used a man as a human plate, then stole money from him like a genuine hooker.
I'm getting pretty desperate too because, er, my commercial, it won't pay me until it airs.
You got the commercial? That is unbelievable .
ely great.
Anyway, the good news is, Malcolm's decided to un-replace us, so we'll be getting a two-week advance on our wages, so we won't be skint any more.
Really? Why? How? Dunno.
It's weird.
May I say you are looking lovely? We agreed, no talking.
Oh, thank you.
All the way to the brim, please.
Oh! If you want a sofa and you want to save, come on down to Sofa Nation! This recliner sofa only four-nine-nine.
This modern leather sofa only five-nine-nine.
The Sofa Nation sale ends Sunday! God, I'm good.