Drifters (2013) s03e01 Episode Script


This programme contains strong language, adult humour and scenes of a sexual nature from the start.
faultless work.
Oh, God.
Good chap! Oh.
Ahhh Stop! Hmm? Stop what? Oopsie.
Sozzles, Meg.
Didn't really have anywhere else to go.
What? Hi.
You must be Meg.
You actually think this is OK, don't you? Er Um.
Meg, what are you doing? Get out! Horrible things are happening up there, Mark.
It's a violation.
I've basically been assaulted.
What you on about? Bunny's getting licked out by some rando in my bed while I'm in it.
Not OK.
When she moved into the loft, I specifically said, "No sex guests.
" We had a deal.
Just go to sleep.
It's abuse, Mark.
I've basically been abused.
And it's not fair.
'Fab work, babe.
' Wish I was getting licked out.
'Come on, up you come.
' Remember when you used to lick me out, Mark? MARK? Remember when you used Meg, just go to sleep.
You were good at it.
When you did it.
Which was, granted, only when you wanted me to fellate you.
Couples always pretend oral's not tit for tat but .
it is.
Tit for tat, Mark? OhMeg, stop being creepy.
Come on.
I know you want it.
Can you get your hand off my cock, please? Could do.
Or? Meg! Stop it! I've told you before, I don't want to have any kind of sex with you EVER again.
Is that clear? Bit gay.
What? OK! This is why I'm moving out.
So you keep saying.
I'll, er be on the sofa if you change your mind.
About having sex with me, I mean.
Just so you know, the offer's .
Bastard bag.
Piece of shit.
Come on.
Right, in you go.
No, you carry on sleeping, Gary.
I'll sort all your shit out.
Laura, what are you doing? You promised if I moved in with you you'd make space for my shit.
"Plenty of room!" you said.
"Oh, it won't feel over-crowded wi' two of us.
" But they're me clothes! They're shit, Gary, I'm doing us both a favour.
You're insane, woman! Look, we can go and get a bigger wardrobe! We can't go back to Bargain Interiors, Gary.
The magistrate was very clear about that.
Laura, please calm down.
Listen, maybe it's time we moved.
I can afford to pay a bit more rent now, what with the new job.
Keep talking.
I mean, who turns down a blowie? He's probably got a bird.
He definitely hasn't.
How do you know? I just know.
You've been checking his phone, haven't you? Yeah.
Well, there's only one explanation.
I always suspected it.
It's obvious, Meg.
He's gay.
He hates you.
Shut up.
What? He's gay, mate.
Yes, gay.
I like it.
Mark's gay.
That's why he rejected me.
It's the only logical explanation for turning down this.
Except for it's not, because it's actually just that he hates you.
No, he doesn't.
And even if he did, hating someone is not enough of a reason to not sleep with them.
Agreed, you can still sleep with people you hate.
I do it with Gary all the time.
Don't be ridiculous.
If that were true, then I'd be hate-sleeping with Julian.
Who? He's my co-star in the play.
Oh, yeah, that.
I hate him.
And you will see how good I am at acting when you come watch the play because I have to act like I don't hate him whereas in reality I actually do hate him.
Sure, he's good looking, but God! I could never imagine sleeping with him.
Ugh, no! God, ugh! Sounds a bit like you do want to sleep with him.
I will not be sleeping with him because I hate him.
Just like Mark hates you, Meg.
Doesn't hate me.
By the way, I spoke to Mark about the whole breathing space issue and he's more than happy to move out forthwith.
So he IS moving out.
So I've decided I'll be taking his room because it's the big room.
No, you won't.
Who's he moving in with anyway, his boyfriend? You know that's not true, Meg, given his very heterosexually active past.
Maybe he was trying to fuck the gay out of his system? Just accept it.
He's just not that into you.
God, I'd bet money on it.
You haven't got any money.
Fine, I will bet Mark's room on it.
Right, so whoever's right gets the big bedroom.
And whoever's wrong gets the loft.
Laura, witness? Love a good bet, me.
Swear on Granny's life? Which one? The alive one.
Got it.
I think the previous owners went to prison but the flat itself is perfectly safe.
What's that smell? Oh, Gaz, have you farted? Oh, that might be the sewage works.
They're just Well, you can see for yourselves.
outside the window.
Sorry, but do you have you anywhere that doesn't stink of shit, like? I'm afraid this is the best you're going to get on your budget.
Obviously, if you wanted to go a little higher, you'd be surprised.
We can't afford to go any higher.
You'd see a great improvement if you were willing to go a little higher.
OK, yeah.
I'd like to pay more money than we can afford for where we live, please.
Great! I go to work, and I come home, I expect certain thaangs.
Well, I would go to work if you'd let me.
But this place it's just like a prisonnn! Sorry, are you going to do it like that? Like what? Well it's just quite a weird choice, considering what's about to happen.
I'm sorry! Shall we just do the whole play your way? Yeah, maybe we should.
You have serious control issues.
Do I? Well, at least I can fucking act.
Okey dokey.
Let's just try and redirect some of this awesome energy, guys? Yeah.
Let's try scene 11.
I know we were struggling with this.
Some of these sex scenes can be pretty uncomfortable, so I was thinking we might try an exercise.
Of course, yeah.
So let's just talk through what might happen between you two, sexually, first.
Oh, Jesus, no, absolutely not.
Oh, I mean between the characters in the play.
Oh, right, sorry.
Sorry, yes.
Of course.
So, if you were having consensual sex Mm-hm! .
as the characters.
How might you, he, initiate, Julian? I think he'd start by kissing her quite firmly on the lips.
Would he? Kiss her neck, unbutton her shirt.
Maybe kiss her tits.
Maybe a gentle bite of the nipple.
Um um, my character would, would love that but I wouldn't.
I would hate it.
Gently caress her inner thigh, tease her pussy.
My character would think that was great.
Then I'd check she was wet by sticking my fingers inside her, and then I'd, well, he'd Um.
well, he'd probably go down on her.
Shall I keep going? Yes, you can.
No, I think that's good.
You cool, Bunny? You seem a bit distracted? No.
Absolutely fine.
Great, guys.
Were you acting then? Because you really weren't very convincing.
Oh, fuck you.
Oh, Elton John Live.
That's yours, isn't it, Mark? You can keep it.
Oh, don't forget, you've left your cleanser in the bathroom.
Oh, yeah, cheers.
All right.
How much rent do you pay here? Altogether? 99% of my income.
Oh, my God.
Look how neat and tidy these boxes are.
That is the gayest packing I've ever seen.
I might as well take the big room now! Yeah.
Told you.
All blokes are.
That's why they're always asking you to do them up the bum with a strap-on.
I need to call the estate agent.
I want to live here, Meg.
Do you think we could share the big room? Split the rent? Well, I mean financially, it's ideal, but sexually, could be a bit of a hindrance.
I mean, what if I get lucky, Laura, then where would you sleep? So I can move in, then? Yeah.
Oh, this'll be mega.
All three of us living together! It'll be like Kavos.
Except Meg won't be ruining it by learning Greek.
This is what I need.
Finally! Living with people who flush the toilet.
Where's Gary going to live? He can stay put.
I'll work out how to tell him.
We'll take it.
This place is mint.
And it really is a bargain.
Er, do the neighbours like parties, do you know? And trumpet? I'm taking lessons, so Oh.
When's it available, please? Oh, immediately.
Is there anywhere me lizard can sleep? Oh, do you have pets? Yeah, tons of lizards.
No, we don't.
We'd have to get those cleared with the landlord.
Well, best you do, because I don't go anywhere without me lizards.
So, er, anyway The bathroom has underfloor heating, and there's a downstairs toilet.
We won't be needing that, we usually just go outside, don't we, Gaz? I see.
Do excuse us a moment.
We'll sign.
Excellent decision.
I don't think you'll be disappointed.
I've got the deposit money in cash.
Here is the agreement, if you just want to sign there.
That was one way to solve it, yes, Laura.
Dreading this.
I hate theatre, me.
It's boring.
Get told off for being on your phone, and they haven't any windows to look out of.
What's Mark doing here? Oh, yeah, he loves theatre.
Pff! Loves theatre? The evidence just keeps mounting up, Meg.
He's brought someone.
Do you reckon it's his date? Yo, my bitches.
All right, ladies.
'Ow do? Been better.
Ooh, what's the matter with her? Don't want to talk about it.
Go on, fill us in, Laura.
OK, I'll tell you because you're going to find out anyway.
Mark's gay.
Is he? Oh, yeah, that makes sense because you look a bit like a Not a fella, but a bit androgynous.
Oh, yeah, and didn't somebody ask you the other day if you were transitioning? It's a goitre, not an Adam's apple, OK? Thanks for the sympathy.
A bit of support wouldn't go amiss.
Oh, yeah, cos I thought we were here to support your cousin, you know, trying to make something of her life, but we can make it all about you, if you want? Ladies and gents, please take your seats.
This evening's performance of Ripples Of Heart is about to begin.
Do you think I'm androgynous, Laura? No way! But I'll be honest, I don't know what it means.
That you look both male and female.
Oh, right.
Yeah, you do.
I go to work, I come home, I expect certain things.
I would go to work if you'd let me.
But this place it's just like a prison! Where's my goddamn shoe horn?! Goddamn you, this is bullcrap.
I just want things left in their proper place.
What I gotta do to open them ears of yours? My ears ARE open.
But it is my heart that is closed.
I don't know who I am any more.
You are supposed to be my wife.
Eight hours a day, busting my balls, for me to come home and you ain't even found my shoe horn.
You do not please me any.
Oh, don't you cry.
You know that makes me fall in love with you all over again.
You gotta learn to be a good girl.
I'll treat you real nice.
Aah! Aaah! Oh, God.
Oh, fuu Oh, God.
Oh! Ohhh! Aaah! Oh, oh, oh! Oh, God.
Ahh Aah! Ah! Oh! Oh, God.
Ah Ohhhh.
Oh! Oh.
You wanna kill me, huh? That what you want? Huh? Ah! Oh Oh! Ow! God! Eurgh.
Eurarghhh Oh! Thank God.
Can we go home now? Oh! It's just the interval, mate.
Double scotch, please.
No, a triple.
Two triples.
Can't we just go now? She's dead, she's not coming back on again.
She'll come on again for the bow.
She won't notice if we're not there.
She's the one who put us on the front row, despite allthat.
Oh, my God - look at Mark.
Is that a white wine spritzer? Do you think I should say something to him? I feel a bit sorry for him.
You say that when you're pissed off with people.
I'm not pissed off.
Who's the real victim here, Laura? The girl whose ex-boyfriend has been living a lie - big deal - or the boy who has been hiding his sexuality for fear of being judged and persecuted? I mean, I just think it's very, very sad.
By sad, do you mean annoying? Do you know what, I shouldn't keep these feelings to myself, he deserves to know.
Mark, I just want you to know that I've been digging around in my emotional larder Meg, I'm just trying to enjoy my evening.
Hear me out.
And I want you to know that I'm not angry and I'm not upset.
I understand.
And I pity you.
I pity you.
Mates? Poor boy.
I'm sorry I hurt you.
I'm sorry I betrayed you.
I'm sorry I murdered you! How can I live like this? You can't.
Well, that were shit.
Mark, I think you misunderstood me before.
What I was trying to say was, what you need right now is a friend, someone you can talk to.
And I am that friend.
Come here.
I'm not comfortable with you touching me.
This is Carl.
Carl, Meg.
Hello, Carl! So, what did we all think of the play? Well, the sex was gratuitous.
Nobody wants to see that.
You used to want to see that Mark.
Yeah, but it was pretty disgusting.
Disgusting? Oh, it's "disgusting" to watch a man and a woman have sex now, is it? Well, it didn't turn ME on.
How long has this been going on, Mark? Here's a question for you - when were you going to tell me? Or were you just going to keep dropping hints until I figured it out? What are you talking about? Will you give the lad a break, Meg? He's going through a tough time here.
I'm going to go and talk to Bunny and tell her she's lost the bet.
The least I can get out of this mess is his old room.
Meg told me about you coming out, Mark.
I'm really proud of you.
Best not tell the lads down the quarry though, yeah? Bunny! Mark's definitely gay.
Oh, God, God! Oh, not again.
Meg! Ugh, please can you leave? I'm in the middle of some excellent sex here! OK, but I just want you to know, Mark's definitely gay.
So I win the bet.
Well, you must have turned him, then.
Well, he said the sight of you two having sex was disgusting.
Whichit is.
And, told you you could have sex with people you hate.
OK, Meg, you win.
All right, see you back in the flat.
In the loft.
It's the other hand! Wait a minute.
You hate me? Erm, no, I think it's the other way round, actually.
Oh, shut up.
Meg, just out of interest, have you been spreading rumours about my sexuality? Rumours, facts, whatever.
I'm not gay, Meg, not that there's anything wrong with it, I'm just not.
I would have thought the fact that I used to have a girlfriend would confirm that.
OK, then.
In that case, why are you at the theatre with another man? Because I like the theatre, Carl is my friend, and I'm supporting Bunny.
And you thought that watching Bunny having sex was disgusting.
And you didn't think that? And AND you refused a blowy.
I ask you, what straight man turns down a blowy? So you think that because I rejected you, I must be gay.
It's the only logical explanation.
How about that I'm just not attracted to you any more because I hate you? Did you think about that? Well, of course I did.
But it can't be that, because you can still fuck people you hate.
Bunny's doing it right now, so RASPBERRY And this is why I can't stand being around you.
I despise you.
In fact, if I was concealing anything, it was just hatred.
You're conceited and you're self-obsessed.
Oh, and by the way, you've got terrible taste in clothes.
That's quite a gay thing to say, Mark.
Oh, and it turns out you're a little bit homophobic too! OK, I reject tha Just shut up for once in your sad life and apologise! Pardon? I'm sorry for saying you were gay, OK?! God! He's not gay, everybody! Bunny, you win.
Win what? We had a bet on whether you were homosexual or not.
Which sounds bad now that I'm saying it out loud in front of all these people.
Well played, mate.
This was your theory.
You said it first.
I were just trying to make you feel better.
Can we just go home and binge drink to forget? Right.
It feels different in here.
I think we have a spirit.
He has got to be taking the piss.
Weird energy.
It's colder.
Is that all he's left you, Meg? Oh, my God! All your stuff's gone, that's what it is! Yes, Bunny, because Mark's moved out and taken everything.
I'll crack this.
He can't take all your things! Well, no, but he can take his own things.
Leaving me with one chair.
And the very bleak reality that I own no things.
He can, yes.
It's sad really, isn't it? Mark was the only proper relationship I've ever had.
He was the only man I've ever really loved.
I couldn't find any glasses.
Feels weird now he's actually gone.
It's a good thing, Meg.
It's proper closure.
It's a new chapter.
Yeah, you're right.
And now I get to live with my two best mates! I ain't living here.
You haven't even got a telly.
Poor Meg! Look, I'm still here for you.
I know this is really tough.
Is there anything I can do to make you feel better? Not take the big room? I completely understand.
But I am taking the big room because I won the bet fair and square.
You're having sex in here, aren't you? No? You have a room now!