Drunk History (2013) Episode Scripts

N/A - New Orleans

_ _ Jean Lafitte, he was just a really badass pirate.
Stabbing in weird, fun new ways.
[bleep] pirates are [bleep] good at fighting and stuff, is my [bleep] point, man.
Sam the Banana Man, he is Al Pacino, Scarface style, but instead of cocaine, bananas.
Louis Armstrong was born in the brothels where all the jazz music was playing.
He was like, "I wanna play that music.
" You're drunk.
- I'm drunk! - Ah! We live in the color portion of The Wizard of Oz, and everybody else is in the black-and-white section.
It's all Technicolor here.
New Orleans is so [bleep] American compared to everywhere else.
You can't do the [bleep] that you do in New Orleans everywhere else in the United States.
You can't do it.
Our entire history's drunk history.
We have a street right here named after booze.
Oh, [bleep].
Oh, [bleep].
Oh, [bleep].
Oh, no.
Hello.
Today we're gonna talk about the pirate Jean Lafitte.
Our story starts in the early 1800s.
The economy is very bad.
So the smugglers in New Orleans were these pirates, and the leader of the pirates, Jean Lafitte, was operating a major smuggl Ooh, smuggling ring? So Jean Lafitte was operating a "majoler" Oh, no, no, no.
Okay, okay.
He was very smooth and suave.
He was just a really badass pirate.
Governor Claiborne of Louisiana is not happy about it.
I'm putting a $500 bounty on Jean Lafitte's head.
Not his head.
I don't want you to bring me his head.
I want you to bring him in alive.
But seriously I'll give you $500 if you capture him and bring him in, okay? So, at this point, the War of 1812 is happening now.
There are British ships just off the coast of New Orleans.
King George III sends a letter, saying, "Dear Jean Lafitte, I'm gonna attack New Orleans.
"I'd love for you to be a part of this.
In exchange, we will make you a captain of the British Navy.
" Lafitte says, I need a little time to think about this.
When he knows I'm not going to fight against America, because he loves America.
And then Claiborne's men show up and arrest Jean Lafitte.
We caught you red-handed, Jean Lafitte.
You're arrested.
We're going to arrest you.
Jean Lafitte surrenders.
He's like, Okay, you got me.
He gets put in jail.
So Jean Lafitte writes a letter to Andrew Jackson.
He's fighting the [bleep] out of the British already.
"Dear Andrew Jackson, "here's all the battle plans that King of England gave me.
"Maybe you could free me and pardon me of all my crimes.
Nobody can defend New Orleans better than we can.
" Major General Andrew Jackson is like, Who is this pirate writing a letter to me? Pirates are to be hung.
I'm not going to fight alongside a pirate.
I'm here fighting the South I'm fighting Oh, [bleep].
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
I'm gonna do this right.
I'm not about to help you.
I'm gonna head to New Orleans and protect it myself.
Andrew Jackson arrives in New Orleans.
He's like, I've been shot.
I have dysentery, which is the worst category of diarrhea that you can imagine.
No big deal.
I'll [bleep] on my [bleep] horse all day long.
His horse is like, Huh? Okay, fine, you [bleep] on me.
I'm an American horse.
You know what I mean? But don't let my pooping disease make you think that I'm not gonna defeat the British, 'cause I [bleep] am.
Andrew Jackson takes a look at everybody.
He's like, There's really not any fighters here.
What do we got, some nuns? And we got a couple of business guys over here? I don't even know what to do here.
And they're like, Hey, Major-General Andrew Jackson, there is that pirate Jean Lafitte that's, like, interested in helping you.
Oh, yeah, well, okay.
Yeah, here we go, yeah.
All right, [bleep] it.
I'll talk to him.
Jean Lafitte finally gets his chance to talk to Andrew Jackson.
He says, Listen, I've sent you the letters, buddy.
I'm telling you, I got the goods.
I got the ammunition, I got the weapons, I got the men.
You need me, and you're not admitting it to yourself.
And Andrew Jackson's like I do need help from pirates.
I'm [bleep] [bleep] up.
I've got diarrhea.
I don't want everybody to know that I'm asking for a pirate's help right now, but, please, join me.
Okay, it's our little secret.
Wink.
And Andrew Jackson said You're my guy.
Let's party.
So there were 4,000 Americans versus, like, 10,000 British.
And yet, the British were not prepared for Andrew Jackson and Jean Lafitte.
And they just started wailing on them.
The pirates are amazing fighters.
They're doing stuff like, shoot 'em from different weird angles, coming out of surprise traps, stabbing in weird, fun, new ways.
And at one point, the British military commander says to Andrew Jackson, Hey, you guys are being very rude.
And Andrew Jackson says, we're trying to get you out of America.
We're not playing by your little rules.
Arrow, arrow, arrow, arrow, arrow.
You know? Yeah, not an arrow.
Probably with a gun, a "masket.
" Muske Ooh, God.
They won the Battle of New Orleans.
And Andrew Jackson's looking at the area, and he's seeing all these dead Redcoats, just like, Whew.
We really did a number on these guys.
We really these guys you know, we really killed a lot of them.
And Andrew Jackson's like Hey, everyone, I had diarrhea, but we did it.
We won, because you fought so hard, and you were so awesome out there.
And so don't even worry about all your crimes.
I'm gonna pardon you.
Lafitte says Thank you, Andrew Jackson.
All I wanted to do was to show everybody that pirates are all right and that we can be true Americans.
Go be a pirate elsewhere.
Come on, get out of here.
Get out of New Orleans, guys.
You crazy kids.
But But But But But, um God damn it, I felt like this [bleep] The [bleep] point is that [bleep] pirates are [bleep] good at fighting and stuff, is my [bleep] point, man.
Stay tuned for new "Drunken History" from [bleep] pirates, New Orleans.
- Is there whiskey in that? - Yeah.
Ha ha.
I'll have that.
In New Orleans, we enjoy eating down here, whether it's red beans and rice, po'boys, shrimp.
I can be as fat as I want down here.
Nobody gives a [bleep] down here about that.
We just eat.
There's nothing like gin and tonic and bananas.
- That is a good combo.
- This is like chocolate and peanut butter.
You know what? Is this a thing? - Could be.
- Not as good.
No.
Not as good.
Look at this.
Lime, get I hate you.
Hey, you guys.
Oh, boy.
I'm Gloria Calderon Kellett.
Or Glor I should do it again.
- No, just keep going.
- I'm Gloria Calderón Kellett.
Never been more Latina.
And I'm gonna tell you about Sam "the Banana Man" Zemurray.
So it's 1891.
Sam Zemurray's 14 years old.
He's a Russian Jew, very poor.
Has no formal education.
And he steps off the boat with his parents, and he's like, Yeah, America.
Let's make this happen, American style.
And one day, there's, like, a traveling salesman peddling exotic wares.
And he's like Excuse me, sir, what is this penis-looking thing? And the peddler says Oh, that is a banana.
And Sam's like What is it? - Oh, it is a fruit.
- He's like, What? And he tries this banana, and it's delicious.
And he's like, I want I want everyone in the world to taste what's in my mouth right now.
- Oh, you dropped your - Oh, my banana dropped! So he goes to where the banana boats come in.
They sort, like, about to be ripe, ripe, over-ripe.
All the ripe bananas are thrown into the ocean.
And he goes up to them, and he's like You guys, what are you doing? These are delicious ripe bananas.
And they're like, Oh, man, this we'd love to not throw them away, 'cause you're right, they are delicious.
However, by the time they get to where they're going, they're gonna be rotten.
It's super sad.
- Aw.
- Yeah.
So he gets this idea.
Why don't I buy those ripes off of you? And they're like, All right.
And then he rents a boxcar on the Illinois Central train, and then at every stop, he's like, What is up? And all the grocers are like, We're here, and we want to buy your bananas, sir.
He's like, I have nothing but awesome bananas to sell you, right here from my zoop from my boxcar.
Some people don't know what the hell they are.
Ooh, that looks a little bit weird.
And they try it, and they're like, Holy [bleep].
This is bananas.
He's like, Exactly.
You're welcome.
He's selling bananas left and right.
Left and right, bananas.
And that first trip, he makes 40 bucks, which is so much money at that time.
That's amazing, how bananas were so Forgot the word I wanted to use.
Anyway So he does this again and again and again.
And by the time he's 21 years old, Sam, who's now known as Sam the Banana Man, has made $100,000.
Is that enough for Sammy Z? It is not.
He wants more, Derek.
So it dawns on him Wait a minute.
I could just do this all myself.
I'm gonna go to Honduras.
And in 1910, he's, like, along the Cuyamel River, and he's like, I'm gonna start the Cuyamel Fruit Company.
I'm gonna buy a ton of land, buy some ships, and I'm gonna plant bananas and I'm gonna, like, build a railroad line, and I'm gonna get like, talk to the authorities and be like, Hey, authorities, is it cool if you totally - don't tax me a lot? - Okay.
And it's gonna be amazing.
So he is controlling his own supply.
He's getting his tax breaks.
Everything is awesome.
He's, like, the richest guy in New Orleans.
He can do anything he wants.
He is Al Pacino, Scarface style, but instead of, like, cocaine, bananas.
But then someone's like, Knock-knock, sorry to bust in on your big party.
But, hey, know that place Honduras that's making you all this money? There's a problem.
- And he's like, What? - They owe the British a lot of money.
They're taxing everything, including your bananas.
Sam's like, Uh-oh, what do I do? What do I do? Hold on, hold on.
What? The former exiled president of Honduras lives in New Orleans? Amazing.
So he finds Manuel Bonilla, the former exiled president of Honduras.
And he's like, What's up? Banana Man, maybe you've heard of me.
How would you like to be president of your country again? And Manuel Bonilla's like - Oh, let me think about it.
Yes.
- If I, like, help you be president again, you're totally gonna be, like, cool with taxes and stuff? Yes, totally.
So Bonilla says If we're gonna do this, I need my dudes.
And in walks Lee Christmas and Guy "Machine Gun" Molony.
And these guys are bad MFs.
And I'm talking about mother[bleep]s, if you didn't know what MFs meant.
So Lee Christmas and Machine Gun Molony are like, All right, we got to get together an army.
So he goes, and he finds the lowest, filthiest, scummiest [bleep].
Oh, what's up, saloons? What's up, brothels? Stop [bleep] prostitutes for a second and listen up.
Hey, help me change the world and create a coup in Honduras.
And he gathers them up to go on this mission.
So Sam Zemurray secretly buys all of these ships and guns from the U.
S.
military.
They get off the boat, and they're like, Oh, what's up, Honduras? Sorry, we're about to take you over.
P'shoo-p'shoo-p'shoo-p'shoo! The government of Honduras is like, Oh, uh P'shoo-p'shoo-p'shoo-p'shoo! Oh, we're dead.
We're on the ground, dead.
But, eegh, that's what happens.
And they take over the government of Honduras! And Bonilla, they put him back in power.
Sam says, Hey, we're cool with the tax thing? Bonilla's, like, Yeah, man, it's all good.
This is how, like, the phrase "banana republics" is started, right? So this coup is successful.
Sam Zemurray fills the U.
S.
with bananas.
It becomes the Chiquita Banana Company.
Like, yeah, did he do some bad [bleep]? He did.
But we have him to thank for amazing, delicious bananas, and banana republics.
Not just an awesome clothing chain.
A place where a lot of people died for bananas.
Thanks, dead people? Will you look into Tom's camera and say, "Stay tuned for more Drunk History in New Orleans"? Add whatever you guys want at the end of that.
Stay tuned for more Drunk History in Okay.
When I play, I think about Louis Armstrong, all of those cats that came before me.
I want to move people like he moves me.
Oh, my goodness, he moves me.
And he dealt with a lot of adversity.
I deal with a lot of adversity.
So, yeah.
I figured we'd make something that was a New Orleans tradition, so we're gonna do the Sazerac.
This is absinthe.
You might hallucinate a little bit tonight.
- Mm, shake it up.
- Shake it, shake it.
What a wonderful drink Hello, I'm Daryl Johnson.
And today we're gonna talk about Louis Armstrong, and the people that made Louis the Louis Armstrong we know today.
Louis Armstrong grew up in the roughest and poorest part of New Orleans.
He'd be like, # I'm gonna sing for some money # When people would throw pennies at him, he would pick up the pennies and throw them in his mouth so that the big kids wouldn't take them from him.
And that's how he got his first nickname, Satchmo.
You take all the coins and put them in your mouth like a satchel satch-mouth.
His mom works as an off-and-on-again prostitute in the brothels where all the jazz music was playing, so Louis would be like Hey, girl, can I listen real quick to the band that's playing on the other side of this wall? And so he would listen to the Kid Ori Band and "King" Joe Oliver the baddest cornetist in town.
Couldn't nobody touch King Oliver.
And little Louis was listening through those walls and was like, That's what I want to do.
I want to play that music.
Whew.
Ah! It's burning the inside of my body! Okay, so, one day a Jewish coal merchant, Bernhardt Karnofsky, saw little Louis at the brothels and said, Hey, little kid, I can give you a job if you work for me delivering coal to the prostitutes.
Come into our family.
We're gonna feed you and treat you like one of our own.
Mrs.
Karnofsky would sing little Jewish lullabies to Louis as a young boy, and it'd be like, Ruga-ta No, wait.
No, that's the prayer.
The lullaby would probably be like, We're Jewish, and we love it - That's, like, nice, right? - That's perfect.
So, at 7 years old, he's working for the Karnofskys.
On the truck, he used to play a horn, like Ba-ba-ba-ba We're comin'.
And they were driving past this pawnshop, and in the window of this pawnshop was this old, beat-up cornet, and he was like, I want that.
Little Louis asked Karnofsky Do you think you can advance me the $5 to buy that cornet? He said, Of course I can loan you the $5.
And it was a piece of junk, but it was his piece of junk.
He used to polish it.
He was like Har-mup, nar-nah-nar-nar-bup 'Cause he wasn't really that good yet.
But he would say, I'm gonna be the best cornetist in all Louisiana.
And wore a Star of David for the rest of his life to commemorate how much the Karnofsky family meant to him.
That was way before all these celebrities today made it popular to just go grab a little black kid off the street.
So he's out one night, and he decides to shoot a gun into the air to celebrate New Year's.
The police was like Mm-mm.
You can't be a little black kid in New Orleans shooting a gun in the air.
We gonna arrest you.
He got taken to the New Orleans Home for Colored Waifs.
- It sounds racist.
- It's I'm sure it was pretty racist.
This is we're, like, talking 1913.
And that's when he meets Pete Davis, the musical "instructure" musical instructor.
Pete Davis taught him how to read music and how to play technically.
And he's like, You're gonna be the "dest" the best damn horn player in New Orleans.
And so, a couple years later, when he gets out, he's playing in all these, like, seedy bars.
Everybody in New Orleans is like, Hey, that's little Louis Armstrong.
He used to make the horn talk.
- Is that what they said? - It's what it sounded like.
Bwop, bwah-da-bwah-da-bwop, bwah-bwah Go get you a prostitute Get you some whiskey Bwah-da-dup-bup-bup-bup And have a good time, ha And one day, his idol, "King" Joe Oliver, heard him play, and he was like, Man, this kid's good.
Oh, [bleep].
Oh, there's another one.
I told you, Sazeracs do something special.
- All right.
And what am I doing now? - Tell me the story.
Sorry, starting the story from over the beginning.
No, no, for real, Daryl, tell me about Louis Armstrong.
Hey, let's be honest.
We've been through a lot.
All right.
It was King Oliver who taught him how to perform.
So they used to march all around town, in parades, marching bands, and that's how Louis got his soul.
Papa Joe would be like If you heard the crowd getting into the music, give them a little bit more, right? So if you was like, # Bah-bah-da-bah-duh-ba-bup # Bada-bada-bada-bah Just throw more notes.
Bah-bada-bada-ba-bah-bah Bop-bop-bow And little Louis was like Sure.
I'm drunk as [bleep].
I'll do whatever you want.
I'm so drunk.
What you want now? What was I talking about? We were talking about Louis Armstrong.
So, to be honest, he was playing better than Papa Joe.
Louis became the number-one cornetist in New Orleans.
And everybody was like, Man, this Louis Armstrong is good.
And that's when he blew up.
- Cheers.
- Louis Armstrong.
- To Louis.
- To Louis.
Without that love that he was given, he might He might not be the Louis Armstrong we know today.
Always remember where you got that that inspiration from.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
- Louis.
- Louis Armstrong was the greatest.
- Ooh, okay, do it slow.
- You want me to crack your back? Yeah, okay, but do it slow.
You want to crack You're drunk! - I'm drunk! - Oh!