Ed (2000) Episode Scripts

N/A - The Movie

1 Previously on:-I lost my virginity! To a girl? -Ed To God's most perfect creation, Stella Vessey.
MIKE: How much do you think Frankie knows about you and Carol? ED: She knows we were friends and I think she may have gathered there was something between us at one point.
Last night, I asked you to tell me about you and Carol.
And you didn't say anything about the knight suit, or the video, or the waffle.
Carol and I have been friends a long time.
What're we supposed to do, just stop? I mean, it doesn't seem realistic.
-Neither does going out with someone and having a relationship like the one you have with Carol.
-I want Ed.
I love him, Molly.
MOLLY: Well, then, you got to go for it.
Thank you.
Carol what is this? Three years ago, you put on a knight suit for me.
I thought it was about time I return the favor.
I'm not sure I'm understanding this.
Okay, then I'll simplify for you.
I can't live the rest of my life wondering what would have been between us.
Come here.
I'm not sure I can sit in this thing.
I know it's hard to maneuver in those things.
There you go.
Look, Carol, I-I'd like to try to understand what's going on here, but I'm afraid if I do, my brain will explode out of my head, get all over the suit, and they'll charge you for cleaning.
It's not that hard to understand.
I'm here.
I may be three years late, but I'm here.
(chuckles) Did you just chuckle? No.
You did.
You just chuckled.
Why did you just chuckle? I didn't chuckle.
I chuckled.
I didn'tmean to chuckle.
I know you didn't mean to, but youdid just chuckle, and I think I have a right to know why.
Because you're going through the thing.
What thing? The thing.
The thing.
The thing I went through when you were about to marry Dennis.
(sighs) I appreciate this, Carol, I really do.
I got to go.
You got to you got to go? You You have to go?! I put on a-a-a suit of armor and stand outside of Stuckeybowl, which is very nostalgically reminiscent of the time that you put on a suit of armor and stood in my classroom.
And all you can say to me is, "You're going through the thing", and-and "I got to go"? Carol, this isn't real.
Itis real.
It's not real.
You're telling me that when you got on the back of a horse and you tried to break up my wedding, that wasn't real? Youthink this is real.
But it's not real.
You don't want it to be real.
(engine starts) I'm in the sky tonight There I can keep by your side Watchin' the wide world right, and hidin' out I'll be comin' home next year.
Frankie (laughs) I made it myself.
It's a heart-shaped meat loaf.
(laughs) Wow.
Ed? Yup.
Your window for oohing and ahing over my heart-shaped meatloaf is starting to close.
Oh, no, uh, this It's amazing.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
(laughing): I don't know what to say.
Sit down.
Dig in.
Potato? No? Are you are you okay? I'm fine.
Thank you.
Thank you.
ED: How crazy isthis? Just when things are starting to take off with Frankie, Carol goes and puts on a suit of armor, and declares her undying love for me.
Ed? Yeah? Please let me shave.
(sighs) No.
I'm begging you to let me shave.
-Do you want to become the first person ever to lose one of the $10 bets? Fine, go ahead, shave be my guest.
Otherwise, you, my friend, are growing a mustache.
Now I'm starting to feel like a jack.
Yeah, I can't really argue with that.
Reallywas quite a sight, though Carol Vessey in a suit of armor.
(both laugh) What did Frankie say? I haven't actually gotten around to telling old Frankie yet.
Ah, that'll go over well.
So what are you going to do about all this? Nothing, nothing.
There's nothingto do.
Seems to me you got a choice to make: Frankie v.
I say "v" instead of "versus", 'cause I know how you lawyer types love that.
Fella, there's no there's no choice to make.
Carol doesn't want me, all of a sudden.
She's not serious about this.
So, you're not even thinking about it? No, I'm not.
I see.
D-Don't "I see" me, like you're wise, and I don't know anything.
I am wise, and you don't know anything.
Here's what you do, Molls.
You get yourself a nine iron, you take a nice, full backswing, and then you just put me out of my misery.
I don't own a nine iron.
How about a metal rake? You have one of those? Ooh, yeah, I have that.
Do you have any idea what it's like to be rejected when you're wearing a knight suit? No, I think that only you, Ed, and perhaps Sir Lancelot himself know that.
Worst part is, he didn't even take me seriously.
(sighs) I am so done with this.
Well at least now you realize that this whole "get Ed back" thing was just a whim.
What? It's not a whim.
Of course it is! Or else you wouldn't be giving up.
Don't start with me.
I'm not starting anything.
I-I'm just I'm simply saying, if Ed is really as important to you as you say he is, then you wouldn't be giving up.
What are you doing? Well, Carol, there's an old expression, perhaps you've heard it: "If at first, you don't succeed try, try again.
" (contemporary pop intro playing) PETER CETERA'S VOICE: You know our love was meant to be The kind of love to last forever That was right after he was rejected in the knight suit.
And I want you here with me From tonight until the end of time You should know, everywhere I go That was the mother of all meat loafs you made last night, I'll tell you.
Thank you.
Loafs, meat loafs, loaves Meat loaves are fascinating, and that was a good one, I'll tell you.
Ed Yeah? You're beginning to over-compliment the meat loaf.
I'm sorry.
(clears throat) But it was delicious.
Who wants shoe trees? Burt Kiffle! Hey! Mr.
Kiffle! How are you? It's so great to see you.
Frankie, I want you to meet Mr.
He owns Kiffle Shoes down on Bloomfield Avenue.
Frankie Hector.
(laughs) Ed Yes, sir.
Behold something wonderful.
I'm making a movie.
You are? The Bank Job.
My attorney dropped out yesterday.
One of his kidneys went haywire or something.
I need you to step in, and just, kind of look over the contracts and stuff.
Kiffle, you-you run a shoe store.
How can you make a movie? There comes a time in every man's life when he has to follow his own heart.
(sighs) My heart was never in shoes.
Oh, you know, I-I faked it pretty good.
But I had to.
That's the shoe game.
But my real love has always been the cinema.
Where'd you get the? Script.
The script? I wrote it myself.
I'm going to direct it myself.
You are? And I'm usingall my life savings to finance it myself.
Here's the best part.
Guess who I got to star in it.
Who? Mr.
Michael Winslow.
(giggles) Who? Who? Is that a VCR? Yes.
Well, maybe his reel will refresh your memory.
Perhaps you might recall a little film calledPolice Academy? (mouth making sound effects) ED and FRANKIE: Oh! That guy who makes the sound effects.
He makes Right, right.
Yeah! Hello.
Phil Stubbs.
Did I just hear you say you're making a movie with Michael Winslow? That's right.
That man has more talent in his left stone than the rest of us will see in our lifetime.
What are you in for? I'll show you.
(indistinct conversation) (imitates machine gun fire) I ask you how? How is he? He just left a message on the machine.
He said he missed me, wanted to talk.
Carol showed up at the bowling alley the other night, wearing a suit of armor.
Pardon me? What? Did-Did you just say that Carol showed up in the bowling alley in a suit of armor? It's crazy, isn't it? How's your burger? Cooked enough for you? Why would she do that? What did she say? Nothing to get excited about.
I'm not excited.
Extremely curious, but not excited.
You seem a little excited.
You're getting me excited.
Uh, it's just a function of the nutty relationship Carol and I have, you know, with each other.
Just, she sees you and I getting closer, and she reacted, that's all.
It's a meaningless reflex.
Meaningless reflex? Yeah, it's like me riding on the back of a horse, you know, to her wedding.
It's not thought out.
For the record, you on the back of a horse does not make me feel better.
Hey, you get the phone call from old Leon, and I get Carol showing up at the bowling alley in a knight suit.
We'll deal with it.
Leon leaving me a message and Carol in a knight suit are two completely different things.
Listen, Frankie, I talked to her, all right? I said she was being crazy, and she understands.
And that's all behind us.
(takes deep breath) That's a that's a lovely, uh collar on your on your shirt.
(laughing) Oh, my God, Molly.
I can't, it's Ed.
I No, too late.
Molly, and of course, Carol.
So, what's happening? I got to get back.
Nice seeing you.
There she goes.
I guess I better be heading out, too.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
I think he told her.
Yeah, I'd say so.
I am flushing.
I can actually feel my face flushing.
Carol, don't be embarrassed.
What am I going to do? He's happy now.
I have no right to go in there and mess things up, even if I could, which I can't.
Because I had my chance with him, and I blew it, and I have to live with that.
He likes her now.
Why wouldn't he? She's cute and adorable.
And most of all, she's got the good sense to know the perfect guy when he's standing right in front of her, unlike Miss Dopey over here, by which, of course, I mean me.
Which is one of the many reasons why, instead of liking me, he likes her now.
What? I have never seen you like this.
I know.
It's not a pretty sight.
No, itis a pretty sight.
You are finally in love, Carol Vessey.
Not the talk-yourself-into-it kind with Nick and Dennis and all the other losers you picked up along the way.
The real thing.
With a real guy.
The one you should end up with.
I know that.
But didn't you just hear my whole "he likes her now" speech? There's nothing I can do about it.
If you give up, I will kill you with my bare hands, which I can do, 'cause we both know I'm quite a bit stronger than you.
He should be here by now.
Michael Winslow doesn't show, I'm ruined.
I bet that's the first time that sentence has ever been uttered.
What? Nothing.
No, I'm sure he'll be here.
So, we heard about the big movie.
It's so exciting.
Listen, if there's anything we can do, any way we can help, just count us in.
WARREN: This is exactly what we want to capture.
This is great, good stuff.
Who are you? Who am I? I'm Warren Cheswick.
You sold moccasins to me last month.
Right, right, well, what's all this? Well, we heard about The Bank Job which I think is an absolutely brilliant concept, by the by and my associate Mr.
Vanacore and I we would like to memorialize the magic by shootingThe Making of The Bank Job.
This is something that, uh, Showtime will-will snap up in a heartbeat.
"No Limits.
" Am I right? Oh, yes! Yes! Oh! Oh! Uh, I'm looking for a Mr.
Burt Kiffle.
There he is.
Michael Winslow.
Hello, sir! Hello.
Welcome toThe Bank Job.
All right.
Hey, can you make the sounds? You know, like the bullets? Oh, um, I don't, um I don't make sounds anymore.
You can just do do the machine gun.
(kissing) WARREN: Mmm STELLA: Mmm Okay, wait.
Okay, Warren, Warren, wait, wait, wait.
Wait for what? Don't put off tomorrow what you can do today.
That's how I was raised.
I'm serious.
Okay, what's the matter? I'm moving back to Boston.
What? (stammering) This it's crazy talk.
You you can't go back to Boston, Stella.
I want to go back and get my teaching degree.
Okay, okay, wait, okay.
There's a lot of information flooding in right now, so let's just let's just calm down, take this one step at a time.
Panic is the enemy, Stella.
Panic is the enemy.
Warren This was a really special time.
But you've got to move on with your life, and I got to move on with mine.
Was a special time? Stella, you said "was.
" I'm sorry, Warren.
How could you do this to me? Come on, you said you could handle this.
Yeah, well, you shouldn't have listened to me.
I mean, God, I'm only 18.
I'm a child.
Warren, don't end it like this.
How do you want me to end it, huh? You just ripped my heart right out of my chest.
What am I supposed to do, throw a party? No.
I wish I'd never met you.
I got to hand it to Mr.
Making this movie sure takes a lot of guts.
Yeah, you got to admire a man who listens to his heart.
So I'll see you tomorrow then.
Frankie (sighs) Thank you.
You're welcome.
You're welcome.
Good night.
Take a look at this, Mike.
What do you think about this? Uh, I think you have very poor taste in formal wear.
Do you or don't you find that manipulative? Yes? No? What do you want me to say? I'll say it.
Of course it's manipulative.
It's just a prom picture.
It's psychological warfare, okay? Carol's trying to break up me and Frankie, and it's not fair, and it's not right.
Ed, maybe Carol just wants to be with you.
She doesn't, Mike.
She doesn't.
Never has, never will.
She just wants to bat me around like a kitty cat with a half-dead mouse.
Can I please shave? No.
Guy at the deli told me I look like Freddie Mercury.
Winslow, would you like this before or after your meeting? We have an organic egg salad sandwich egg whites only, low-fat mayo, seven-grain toast, crust removed; blood orange juice freshly squeezed, no pulp or seeds; three bottles of sparkling water, Pellegrino; three bottles of still water, Fiji; and some bowls of M&Ms separated by color, browns removed and discarded.
I only wanted an apple.
I know.
Who are you? My name is Phil Stubbs and I want to be in the Michael Winslow business.
Are you an agent? We'll talk.
So you worked with Kim Cattrall, huh? Yes.
Uh, she was in the first Police Academy.
Did she ever try and get you to be onSex and the City? No.
Really? That's, uh hmm.
BURT: You son of a! I'm screwed.
What's wrong? That was First Savings and Loan.
They just canceled.
What do you mean? They won't let us shoot there.
What should we do? Should we call the FDIC? I think I'll wait on signing this.
What?! No! No.
You have to.
We're making this movie.
No, Mr.
Kiffle, you don't have a bank now.
I'll figure something out.
One way or another, cameras will roll tomorrow.
Molly Carol, what did I say? You said we weren't going to talk about it anymore.
And what are you about to do? Talk about it some more.
Which just so happens to be exactly what we are not going to do.
So I'm just going to sit here and grade my papers.
Wow! You're changing your mind.
You think I should call Ed and find out whether or not he liked the picture.
Ooh, or are you saying I should lay low and let him come to me? You got all that from "wow"? What did "wow" mean? "Wow" meant that Howie Mandel was going to do the Hollywood Squares.
Hmm Do you know what I wanted to know about theHollywood Squares? What's that? Should I call Ed or not? We're not talking about this anymore.
(sighs) Duncan.
Another Fresca? Yeah, just give me a Seven and Seven this time.
Forget it.
Just give me a Seven then.
Hey, Duncan, you're Irish, right? What of it? Well, you know, you got the gift of gab.
An Irishman's way with words.
I'm dyslexic.
Really? Okay, but still, I mean, you're an Irish bartender, so you're like the poet laureate of heartbreak, right? So you got to tell me, Duncan: how could she do this to me? How could she love me and leave me like this, man? That's two bucks.
Can I get you another one? He'll be right with you.
Duncan, come on, you're supposed to commiserate here.
It's part of your job.
You're here three and a half hours.
Bugger off, already.
What? What?! Are you kidding me? "Bugger off?" What's the matter, Cheswick? I bought, like, 30 sodas, and the man won't commiserate.
Come on, I'll drive you home.
We got to be up early for the big shoot.
I don't know, man.
You're doing it.
The show must go on.
Besides, it'll take your mind off Stella.
He's faking the accent, you know.
He's from Gary, Indiana.
Sorry, guys.
Winslow and-and, uh uh, Mickey.
Uh Yeah, Mr.
Uno momento.
Can you feel the excitement? Is there something you want to tell me? I'm so sorry.
I-I called you last night, but you'd gone out for the evening.
Well I just What are all these people doing here? They're making the movie.
At Stuckeybowl? Yes.
But it's a bank heist.
Oh, not anymore.
Now it's a bowling alley heist.
Bowling alley.
Much better.
Never been done.
Yeah, there might be a reason for that.
What do you say, Ed? Can you help me out? I can.
Place is yours.
Oh, stupendous! Thank you, Eddie.
You're welcome.
You're keeping my dream alive.
I'm trying.
Um, how would you rank the seven Police Academy movies in terms of quality? From best to worst? I'd say, uh, one, two, three, four, five, seven, six.
How does it? You know what? These questions are lame.
Hey can I ask you a real question? Yeah, sure.
What's up? Oh, no.
Forget it.
Never mind.
You-You won't to be able to relate to my What's going on, man? No.
No disrespect, man, but you're Michael freakin' Winslow.
You know, you're a star of the silver screen.
Your life must be one big fiesta, right? I mean, you must be drowning in women.
Casting Couch, you know? Mr.
Playboy Mansion.
You know, Mr.
Pool Party at Brett Ratner's beach house.
What do you know about heartbreak? I think maybe you need some medication of some kind.
Hey, hey, Michael, you know what I bet would cheer the little guy up? What? If you made some of the sounds.
I don't make sounds anymore.
Oh, yeah, you do the sounds.
Come on.
Just give me one.
Give me a machine gun.
Kiffle isn't it a little late to be changing the script from a bank to a bowling alley? I'm almost done.
Just have to search "bank" and replace it with "bowling alley" Ed while you were out, your friend Carol Vessey called.
What did she say? I don't know.
When she heard my voice, she hung up.
Well, how did you know it was? Caller I.
Her name just popped right up there.
Technology's an amazing thing, don't you think? Mr.
Kiffle, I've got to go see someone.
I'll be back in 20 minutes, okay? Something with vault.
Replacing with "bowling alley safe.
" Go.
Go ahead.
(bell rings) Don't forget to read chapter five for tomorrow.
There could be a pop quiz.
ED: Hey.
I can't accept that.
Well, if you don't like the frame, I could always have it I'm asking you to stop what you're doing.
Why? 'Cause you're screwing up my life.
The way you screwed up my life.
I didn't screw up your life.
If I wasn't looking around for you at my wedding, I'd be married to Dennis Martino right now.
Well, you should thank me for that.
I know.
I am.
Carol you got to stop.
Whoa, whoa, wait.
When you came back to Stuckeyville with your knight suits and-and your skywriters, I was I was involved in a seven-year relationship.
But that didn't stop you.
And then I got engaged.
That didn't stop you.
Why? Because those guys were jerks.
You know what didn't stop you? Because you believe that we were meant to be together.
Well, I was wrong.
five, take one.
Action! Uh, Ms.
Burton I say action.
Oh I'm sorry.
I've never done this before.
Uh,Bowling Alley Job, scene five, take one.
Action! What's up? Kiss the floor, ladies and gentlemen.
What we have here is a bowling alley robbery.
Where's the safe at, man? I said, where's the safe at, man?! (woman crying) What's the matter, baby, you scared? (crying) You fine.
You know what? You hotter than Tyra Bowling Alleys.
Ah! Cut! Sorry.
That's supposed to be "Tyra Banks.
" WINSLOW: You know what? I can't do this anymore.
This script doesn't make any sense.
It's going to be fine.
We'll fix it in the edit room.
You know what? I'm out of here.
I quit.
Ha! You can't quit.
You signed a contract.
Didn't he, Ed? Afraid so, Mr.
You're locked in.
I don't believe this.
All right, once more, from the top.
And this time, do it more like Stanley Tucci would.
(sighs) All right, let's roll.
If I represented you, this never would've happened.
I got an agent.
Where is he now? Where is he now?! I'm right here.
Where is he? This is going to be ugly.
Can I shave now? (knocking) What's happening, Hollywood? Hey, there, Mollywood.
How's the movie going? Well, it's a fiasco much like my personal life.
Are you still mad at Carol? Yes.
You shouldn't be.
Why should? Aw, did she ask you to come here and talk to me? No, no.
This this is a renegade solo mission.
I just I want you to cut the girl some slack.
Why should I? Because she loves you, and she knows how stupid she's been, and she's pretty heartbroken about it.
Molly, I'm done playing games with one Carol Vessey.
This is not a game to her, Ed, this is her life.
So have a little sympathy, okay? Good night.
Hey, hey, Molly? Yeah.
What do you really think she wants? Everything you used to want.
(bell rings) Hey.
I was looking for you.
You heading to class? Actually, I-I have a free period.
Any plans? Well, I thought I'd do about 35 minutes of sullen meandering, and then, if I can find an empty locker, I might slam my head in the door for about ten minutes.
Or do you want to take a walk with me? Sure.
(clears throat) Look, I'm sorry for what I said to you the other day, all right? Don't worry about it.
I am sure that I will recover in time to enjoy my retirement years.
Well, for what it's worth, I was frustrated, you know.
I know you're not doing this to screw up my life.
I'm not! I-I don't want to hurt you, and I don't want to hurt Frankie.
I just well, you know what I want.
Carol, you know, honestly, I don't thinkyou know what you want.
What can I do, Ed? What can I say to you to convince you that thisis real? It'snot real.
It's not real.
Carol, if it were real, you wouldn't have rejected me all those times.
If it were real, you and I'd be together by now, and if it were real But-but-but-but don't you see? I made a mistake, and you can choose not to forgive me if you want, but don't tell me I don't know what I want, because I knowexactly what I want.
I want a second chance.
Why is it so easy for everybody to see except for you? Look look, this is hard, right? I know it's hard 'cause trust me, I know, but you and I, we'll be friends, all right? We just need to find a way to No.
No, Ed.
Stop! Stop! Why can't we just agree that you and I? No! No more tearful hugs, no more false reconciliations.
You know what's not real? That's not real.
Ha! You can't! How can you? Oh! Go, go, go, go, go, go.
Are you crying? I just miss her, man.
Oh, for God sakes, Mickey, you can't do this to me! Who's Mickey? The other bowling alley robber.
Guess what, pal? You're out of the movie! Don't bother showing up tomorrow! Where is he? He's at his nephew's bris.
They couldn't put it off for a week? You.
You ever done any acting? Me? You look just like Mickey.
You could replace him, huh? Oh, my God.
Wait, no way, no way.
I'm not working with this jack.
You'll do whatever I say! Now get in there and get into makeup! Frankie, wait.
Frankie I really need to talk to you for a minute.
Look, I'm really not a fan of the awkward run-in, and let's face it, we've got plenty of those, unless we can clear the air.
So can we do that? Sure, please.
Clear the air.
Okay, look I'm sure you know that I've been Trying to steal my boyfriend? Yes.
I'm very much aware of that.
Frankie, I am so sorry to involve you in any of this.
I-I never aspired to be a homewrecker.
I like you.
I really do.
This, honestly, had nothing to do with you.
Except it's my boyfriend you're trying to steal.
Yes, and you have every right to resent me for that.
That's why I wanted you to hear it from my mouth that I'm done.
How do you know? What? How do you know you're done? Just curious.
Ed and I had a big talk, and he made me see that I really have to stop.
Hmm big talk, huh? Yeah.
It's never over between you two.
Excuse me.
You know, I don't mean to tell you how to do your job, but I think you're missing the bet with that guy.
What do you mean? Well, you should have him make some of those funny sounds in your movie.
It's not a comedy.
I don't know.
I-I think you could make it work.
People love those sounds.
ED: Hey, fellas.
How's it go ing? Yes.
8:00 is perfect.
Thank you.
Everything all right? Uh, I just booked an 8:00 flight to Houston.
You're going to Houston? Yeah, yeah.
I feel like I need to see Leon, give him a chance to say what's on his mind.
(clears throat) Frankie, if this is about me and Carol You and Carol? Why should this have anything to do with you and Carol? It shouldn't, but you're obviously reacting I'm not reacting to anything, Ed.
Leon and I have a very special relationship.
Don't worry about it.
Okay, wait.
Frankie, don't do this.
Look, let's go back to my place.
I'll cook us dinner.
We'll talk about the whole thing.
Don't you ever get tired of talking about everything? I-I tell Carol in no uncertain terms, mind you nothing is going to happen between the two of us, Nothing, okay? Icksnay, nada, nee, nothing, zero, right? And does Frankie thank me? No.
She ups and goes to Houston to see Leon.
I just don't get it.
How does that make any sense at all? Hey, Ed? Yeah.
Seriously, could I please shave? I grew the mustache, that was the bet.
I don't want to have the mustache in the movie.
No, you can shave.
All right, give me ten bucks.
(muttering) Scene 43, take one.
And action! (door bangs open) Walter! Walter! Walter! What is it, Mickey? What's up? Cut! Dr.
Burton where's your mustache? I shaved it.
Why? Is that is that a problem? Scene 43, take two.
And action! (door bangs open) Walter! Walter! What is it, Mickey? What's up, man? They have the build they have us surrounded.
We'll never get out of the bowling alley alive.
Man, just chill, man.
All we got to do Look out, man, get down! Oh! Ouch! Ow! Ow! I've been shot! (whispering): Get down! Mickey.
(groans) Mickey, talk to me, man.
Don't-don't you die on me.
Don't you die on me, man.
Walter! Walter! What is it? What is it, Mickey? Ow! One last wish before I go What is it, man? Anything you want, man.
What is it? Let me hear those sounds you used to make.
(whimpers) (imitates heart pounding, monitor beeping) (imitates dog barking) (imitates gunfire) (snickers) (laughing): Sorry.
(laughing) He's so funny! That's it.
I'm done.
(growls) Congratulations.
That, sir, was a tour de force.
Hey, what's with the attitude? Who do you think you are, Steve Guttenberg? Cheswick Oh, God.
You know what? I'd love to kill you.
Pass me the butter knife.
I'll spread you to death.
I wish you would.
Who do you think you are, Job? Just get over it, already.
I-I can't get over it.
Don't you understand? I have never been this depressed aboutanything in my entire life.
I've had relatives die, and I haven't been this upset.
When my Uncle Tweeter died He wasn't areal uncle, but I mean, I'm talking about dead near relatives, Vanacore.
Warren, I know there's nothing worse than getting dumped, but I promise you, the feeling will pass.
Why would this pass? How in the world could this pass? It just will, okay? You'll meet somebody else, and suddenly you'll be saying, "Stella who?" Oh, yeah, right.
When, like, Romeo said, "Juliet who?" Like Michael Douglas said, "Catherine Zeta who?" Stella was my soul mate, man.
I'm never going to find another Stella.
I'm probably never even going to have another date! I'm not that attractive, if you haven't noticed.
Somebody seems to think so.
What? Don't look now, but that girl's checking you out.
Please I'm telling you, man, she's totally checking you out.
Yeah, right.
Fine, don't believe me.
Where? Right over there.
(snickering) You are such a jerk.
Oh, that was beautiful.
(laughing) (insistent knock at door) God.
It's open.
Hi, honey.
How you doing? I'm on top of the world.
Stella leave? Yeah, she left.
What's in the bag? Oh! Just a little something every girl needs when she finds herself in some boy trouble a veal chop.
A veal chop? I had some ice cream in the cart, and then I thought too cliché.
I'm only kidding.
I'm only kidding.
Brought you some ice cream.
What's that? Umm It's my journal from when Ed first came back to Stuckeyville.
Carol, that is cruel and unusual punishment.
I know, but he keeps telling me that my feelings for him aren't real, and it's just a reaction to him and Frankie.
Boy, is he an idiot.
(chuckling) Sorry it didn't work out, Mr.
Either of you guys see any fat ladies? What? Either of you hear any singing? Not over till the fat lady sings.
Right! My cousin is a landscape architect for the gay black guy onSix Feet Under.
He's sliding him the script.
If it doesn't pan out, well, at least I didn't spend my whole life in a shoe store, right? Hey, thank you.
All right, all right, Mr.
Bye, Mr.
Oh (chuckling): You (chuckling) See you.
(sighing) You got to admire that a man who followed his dream.
He could have remained in the safety of his shoe store, but he didn't.
He took a shot.
-All right, Mike, I get it.
Carol's a dream; Frankie's a shoe store.
Except that's the lousiest analogy of all time, sport, and I'll tell you why, okay? 'Cause Frankie isn't a shoe store, and furthermore, Kiffle didn't get rejected by the movie 1.
000 times.
And, moreover, the movie didn't decide to want Kiffle only after Kiffle decided to stay in the shoe store.
I was really just talking about Kiffle and his movie.
I'm glad you called.
I'm glad you came.
I didn't think you'd ever want to see me again.
I wanted to say good-bye.
You don't hate me? I despise you with every ounce of my being.
Bye, Stella.
(yawns) Finally.
Yes, listen, do you have any remaining flights to Houston tonight? Okay, all right, well, what about first thing tomorrow morning? Yeah.
7:00 a.
is fine.
Okay, listen, so I'll MOLLY (over P.
): "October 8, 2000: "A guy named Ed who says he went to my high school "walked into my classroom today, and asked me out to dinner.
I think he might be insane.
" What? No, actually, can I call you back? "October 23, 2000: "How about this for a day? "That guy Ed, from high school, walked into my classroom "wearing a suit of armor, and gave me flowers.
"I was mortified and I loved it.
What keeps me in this horrid relationship with Nick?" And what is this? I stole Carol's journal, and God help me, I am going to go to hell for this, but as the kids say, "All is fair in love and war.
" "October 24, 2000: "I can't believe it, "but I'm actually going to ask Ed out to dinner.
"I hope he hasn't come to his senses, "and realized that I'm not worth all the trouble.
" Is there a reason you're reading this over the public address system? I thought the added volume might get it through your thick skull.
Okay, I'll give you a break.
(clears throat) "October 25, 2000: Turns out this Ed fellow is one of the good ones.
"No better than good.
He's amazing, actually.
"We kissed tonight, and though I've only "known him for a few days, I feel like somehow I've known him forever.
"If I had any guts, I'd dump Nick tomorrow.
" Molly, I don't know if I can take too much more of this.
Okay, one more.
Just one.
"November 16, 2002: Tomorrow I am going to be Mrs.
Dennis Martino, "and I have but one thought Ed.
" If you want to pick Frankie, pick Frankie.
But don't pretend that Carol isn't real.