Enlisted (2014) s01e04 Episode Script

Morning, Sergeant Major.
Sergeant Major.
Looks like the field's up to snuff for this year's football match.
Well, I don't know about the army, but in the marines, we call it a "game.
" Oh, how quickly I remember why this rivalry steams my trousers.
If you can call it a rivalry.
Let's debate the meaning of every word I say.
Why not? What's "not"? Is "not" a word? My marines haven't lost this game in ten years.
You haven't scored in three.
- Should we skip the bet this year? - Oh, the bet is on.
Usual terms Loser displays this poster in his office, and sends a holiday card posing in front of it In a stupid sweater.
And this year, we got a secret weapon.
Time to knock the cobwebs off the ol' rocket launcher.
Oh, God.
Too bad you don't still have that half shirt you used to wear to practice in high school.
Still got it.
Still fits.
It would fit a pregnant woman it's a half shirt.
Hey, hi.
Lock the door, man! Wait a second, are you crying? It's healthy to cry when you do this.
- No, it's not.
- No, it is not.
A soldier returns home from war to surprise his loving family, and then they all hug.
You can't not cry.
- Ah.
- Okay, well, the good news is, we're talking about two entirely different things.
What were you guys talking about? - Doesn't matter.
- Nah.
These videos are like emotional coffee Get you going.
You should try it.
Yeah, I'm good.
Some family I don't know getting all weepy over a surprise I saw coming a mile away? Pass.
I saw it coming a mile away.
Can you imagine if they had these videos when our dad was around? That movie would have been better than Jaws and The Little Mermaid combined.
Yeah.
Hey, p-wads, you want to eat? What you watching? The soldier.
That's some good coffee.
The army is filled with troops on heroic missions, and then there's us.
We take care of things at home.
We are the Rear Detachment.
Yes, we're soldiers.
Enlisted S01E04 Homecoming Nobody can cover my shift on Saturday? It's my kid's birthday.
And you know my ex is deployed.
Half the staff's out with the flu.
I've got my erotic fiction boot camp.
This is on you.
So Saturday is Sam's birthday? Yeah.
I was gonna take him to Disney World.
He's been talking about it for weeks.
Oh, sweet! Is he gonna wear the ears? He has to wear the ears.
Okay, do you want me to talk to him? - Randy, he's not going.
- Oh, he's gonna be so disappointed.
Ow! That is for never understanding anything.
- Thank you.
- Ow! That's for missing a golden opportunity.
Yeah, dude.
I will bite you.
Take the kid to Disney world.
It'll be the best birthday he's ever had, and you will look like a hero in front of Erin Something that I happen to know a little bit about.
Ow! We've been meaning to talk to you about this whole hero thing.
Maybe let other people say it.
Like me.
You're a hero.
Thank you.
Fine, but are you trying to move the ball down the field with Erin or what? Not everything has to be a football metaphor, but yeah, I do really like Erin a lot.
- Oh - Shut up.
That's why I got to be careful.
She's a single mom with a young son.
If either one of them has any doubts, then I'm getting thrown out the door.
So no big moves taking the kid to Disney World solo, not the move.
- Isn't no move also a move? - Just said something there, brother.
You need to go big, man.
You need to jump off that cliff, and trust that love will be your parachute.
Let it be your parachute.
That's stupid.
Hope my backup chute works! He got the backup.
Ooh.
Deliver a baby on two.
Hut, hut Just one more push, boo boo.
Good lord, the pain! I'm not ready to be a mother.
Your body's doing what it was built to do.
Here it comes! I want my baby.
What in the hell are you doing? Football practice.
Oh, thank God this year's gonna be different.
Somebody call for a hero? Ah.
You got to give me that one.
- No, we don't.
- I'll allow it.
Quarterback Pete Hill reporting for duty.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
I'm the quarterback.
Ooh.
Oh, about that, Sergeant Perez, - you're fired.
- What? - But be cool about it.
Be cool.
- But I - Be cool.
- Sergeant Hill was on the cover of parade magazine.
It's a pretty big get.
Great shirt, Pete.
Thanks, buddy.
No.
- This is because he played in high school? - Well I dated a rapper in eighth grade am I Beyoncé? Oh Show her your spin move.
Is this really happening? You can't even catch those flags that's too fast.
Look, I'm sorry, Sergeant Perez, but this isn't a game, this is flag football! Fast as lightning, and twice as deadly.
That's really good.
Last time we had fish, it was in the chow hall, and they spelled "salmon" without the "I" or the "o.
" Oh, "Sam-n.
" Yeah.
Months later, it's the base coat for every burp.
So, sex? - Absolutely not.
- Okay.
The lightbulb's out in my room.
- Oh.
- Really? I'm sorry, sweetie.
Did I mention that he's in a dramatic mood? There's a cartoon mouse that's tearing our family apart.
Yeah, I hear you have a birthday coming up.
That's exciting.
Yeah.
And I hear you've got a special birthday wish, huh? Uh, what are you doing? I-I got this.
Hey, why don't you tell me your special wish, and I'll see if I can make it happen.
I want to see my dad.
Oh.
But he's at war.
Let's start over.
Why don't you tell me where you want to go for your birthday.
I want to go anywhere with my dad.
I feel like you're focusing a little too much on the who.
Why don't you just steer it on back to the where.
He's in Afghanistan.
But can you bring him here? No, Sam.
He said he could.
Y-yeah, I-I-I could maybe talk to someone.
No, Sam, not really.
Look, I appreciate what you're trying to do, but don't let the puppy eyes back you into a corner.
I mean, I know you can't really do this.
Can you? Uh Uh Yeah, as uh, Sergeant Major Cody's a friend, so Yeah.
Oh! Oh, thank you! Oh! - A second hug.
- That would mean so much.
Thank you, mom's boyfriend.
Oh, you're welcome, mom's kid.
Please stop laughing, Sergeant Major.
You promised that we'd bring a man home from war.
I mean, I've said some crazy things in the throes of passion, but this is the craziest.
- It wasn't in the throes of passion.
- Well, then you got a raw deal.
- So it's not something you can do? - It is absolutely 100% impossible.
- Sergeant Major.
- Yes, private.
I've got some thoughts that may be of service.
Could this best be expressed in a letter I won't read? Picture this A crisp fall day, the army-marine flag football game has just drawn to a close.
Our mascot, McAlligator that's me, I'm gonna make the costume, takes the field for a punt-pass-kick competition with the kids.
In the distance comes a soldier Home from war.
Now, his son doesn't see him, 'cause he's too focused on McAlligator, who, again, is me.
The soldier kneels.
The boy turns.
And now He sees it's his father.
Tears, tears, tears.
I'm tearing up.
This is something I never got to do with my dad.
This isn't about me.
Get it together! Point is This could be the greatest soldier-reunion video ever.
I'll try opening up our windows at night, let the air in.
- I'm in.
- What's that? This is how we show the Marines who's boss.
First I win my bet.
Then we play the heart strings like yo-yo ma.
So you can bring him home? I'd have to call in a few favors.
Well, then why did you say it was impossible? Why'd you make it sound so boring? Hot damn! This is gonna be a moment for the ages.
This better be a moment for the ages.
All right, we'll start with the play that got me to state.
Arson almost got me to state.
That is prison, this was high school.
Now, it starts with the boldest of deceptions and ends in glory.
- It's like a greatness sandwich.
- How is that a sandwich? It's a metaphor.
Yeah, but you just said two things, and a sandwich is at least three things.
Unless it's a poor people's sandwich, when you fold the bread over some mayonnaise and cry because your grandma is doing the best that she can.
I'm just trying to light a fire under you guys.
- Now you're speaking my language.
- Here's the play.
- Gumble, slant right.
- Oh, I don't know what that means.
Doesn't matter, 'cause I'm passing the ball to Ruiz, who will be in the end zone.
That's right.
Give me the damn ball.
Oh, it'll be there to greet you like an old friend.
What's my backstory? We go on two.
Blue 19! Hut, hut! Yeah.
Bravo, Sergeant! That is the boldest of deceptions.
Which part of the sandwich is this? Sergeant Hill has four inches of shrapnel in his shoulder, so you're the quarterback.
- Yes! - Be cool about it.
I knew Mr.
State Championship I said, "be cool.
" And he's still the coach.
Believe me, you were our last option.
That does hurt.
It's heavier than you realize.
Victory.
What the hell? Wasn't me.
So you're the quarterback.
And you get her ready.
Because before you got hurt, I doubled down on the bet.
The loser gets Cheesecake.
Ooh.
Sounds delicious.
This Is cheesecake.
I can't lose this bet.
Hi.
So, you guys are all set to pick up Brandon tomorrow? We got it perfectly timed.
His bus gets in right before the game, then we whisk him away to create the greatest, greatest, greatest memory, memory of your child's life.
Making me, uh, uh What's the word that Pete always uses? A hero.
I'm a humble man, Randy.
But he's right.
This is amazing.
So she's expecting amazing.
You're gonna help me make this amazing, right? I love that you're turning to me for help.
For once I'm, like, your big brother.
- Come here for a noogie.
Come here.
- No.
Just help me make it amazing, okay? There's a there's a lot riding on you.
Should I be worried? I got this, baby bro.
I got this.
So I should be worried.
You want to win? You got to study game film.
Wow.
Who, do you ask, is that flash running up the sideline, scoring the game-winning and final touchdown? Well, that is M.
V.
Pete.
- That's catchy, huh? - Do you want to be alone with these tapes? God, I wouldn't hate it, but we got a lot of work to do.
Now, we are about to face a worthy opponent.
Are they better than us? No! I got to believe yes, but I'm about to teach you the most sophisticated offense ever devised.
It boils down to 30 basic plays, each with audible options, depending on how they stacked the box.
Okay, it boils down to ten basic plays.
Five plays.
Five.
Knock it down to three, and we've got a deal.
If we get them under our belts, I promise you we will torch these guys.
Metaphor.
All right, keep your eyes peeled for the name tag Brandon Stone.
Hey, hey.
Wow.
That's the reunion I'd have wanted with our dad.
Simple, intimate, classic.
Where's Brandon? Is that him? The guy with the other family? No, the old woman who's not in uniform.
That's sarcasm.
It's something big brothers do.
Seriously, though, this is a setback.
Beat the Marines! Beat the Marines! Hi, Brandon.
It's, uh, Derrick.
I guess we missed you at the bus stop.
That was what we call a bad surprise.
You know what I'm saying? As opposed to a good surprise, which is gonna happen if you show up at the game, so just, show up at the game, okay? Hopefully, you can hear this over the idiots chanting behind me! Everything's gonna be fine, little brother, all right? It's a father-son reunion without the father.
But with a McAlligator.
- So plan B.
- Okay.
I take the field with the kids, Sam's having a total blast, I say, "hey, buddy, do you miss your dad?" That's a voice I'm working on for McAlligator.
I then take the mask off, and he sees me.
He's surprised.
I start crying.
It's infectious.
You start cheering.
- And why would I cheer? - 'Cause it's weird if I'm crying and cheering.
It's weird without Brandon period.
Think different.
Steve Jobs.
Am I crazy, or is plan B actually better? Where I come from, plan B is when you leave your baby daughter in the woods during bear season.
Hi, guys.
Hey, Brandon? What a beautiful day for football! I'm Pam Oliver, and this is the army versus marines in their annual flag football charity game.
Brandon? No.
Is your name Brandon, by any chance? Coming to you on fox sports southeast daytime not HD limited view.
Anybody watching this? Hi.
Brandon? Brandon, by any chance? Hi.
Hi.
It appears a prankster has run onto the field wearing a sling and halter top.
I'm told that's the army coach.
All right, everybody.
Huddle up.
Right now, your opponent is thinking, "we got this.
" And you know why? 'Cause they think you're a joke.
And in these troubled times, we need laughter.
Not at all what I'm saying.
They think they're here for some candy-ass game of flag football.
Huh? We're about to serve these punks up a lesson in Pete-ball! Hooah.
Pete-ball, hooah! Oh.
Ooh.
Oh, wow, those kids are big.
Are you ready to die today? I will eat your heart! Oh, no, no, no, no.
No, no.
No taunting.
No.
Let me hear you people! Go! Go! Go! Go! Oh, yes.
Go! Go! Come on! Get him! Stop him! Get him! Hey! Yup, get him.
Gumble, get him! Get the flag! Get the flag! Stop him, you suckers! - Will somebody get him? - Keep going! - I give up.
- I need a gatorade! Oh.
Oh.
God.
Oh! Oh! Seven points is nothing, you guys! Run! All right, 28 points is nothing, you guys.
Oh, wait.
He took the ball.
What the? 56 points is something.
I feel a rally coming, Sergeant That takes us to the two-minute warning with the marines leading the army, 119 to zero.
- Hey, Pete! - So, on a day when everybody is a winner, you can't help but feel that is a lie.
Derrick, you let that guy blow right past you! Who cares? Brandon was a no-show.
I'm about to lose my girlfriend in front of a crowd.
Hi.
Hi.
Mm.
You guys suck! - Yes, we do.
- Sergeant Major, I know you got a lot riding on this game.
I really thought I could get you the win.
- Win? - Yeah.
I just bet you could score.
- Score?! - You really thought you could win? You really are full of yourself.
I was an all-American! Well, some people peak early.
But I can't lose this bet! Look at him over there, taunting me.
Confusing taunt, but damn it, I feel the burn! Now Score! All right, change of plans.
We're gonna score.
Gumble, flag right.
I still don't know what that means.
Still doesn't matter, 'cause I'm passing the ball to Ruiz who will be in that end zone.
I don't want the damn ball.
Too bad.
It'll be there to greet you, like an old friend.
But, Sergeant Hill, your arm? Don't worry.
I'll get it there.
Army ranger! Blue 19! Marines suck! Hut! Hut! Oh! Damn! Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Guy? Medic! Need a medic! Is he okay? Deception! I'm the medic! Clear the way! Keep running.
Yeah! Touchdown Army! Army! - Hey! - Ooh! Yeah! Oh, thank God.
An inconsequential touchdown, and they're celebrating for no reason.
A horrific injury was sustained by the coach in the baby-doll top.
Ready? Got it.
Lift.
Lift.
I got to cut your shirt off to get to your arm.
Oh, I'm sorry, baby.
You're cutting.
No! And now, part two of my triumph.
We reunite a boy with his father.
Actually, actually, uh, since the whole reunion we promised you is not gonna Ladies and gentlemen, McAlligator has invited some lucky kids to join him for the punt, pass and kick competition.
Up first Sam Stone! Randy, Rand No.
No! No! No! Randy! Let's start the punt, pass and kick competition! Now watch closely for a special surprise.
Randy, no! No! Abort! Abort! Is this it? So Brandon's just gonna come up behind him and tap him on the shoulder? That would be amazing, wouldn't it? But Is that not what's gonna happen? Listen, I'm sorry, okay, but-but Brandon Hey.
Brandon's - Sam! - Dad! Right there! Whoa! That was a surprise.
Hi.
Ah! Welcome home, Sergeant Stone! Love you.
Daddy, why didn't you love me better? Oh, God, my uterus hurts.
My uterus hurts, too! - Thank you.
- Yeah.
Oh! Okay.
Here you go, bud.
Hi.
Hi.
And there's another surprise.
Hi.
Hi.
Just reunited my girlfriend with her ex-husband.
Yeah, you did.
Oh.
Come here.
Love is your parachute, Derrick! Remember that, buddy! Ripcord, whee! Oh.
This This is Derrick.
Hey.
Hi.
Thank you so much, man.
This is this is amazing.
Hey, I'm sorry about the bus.
I hopped off at the mall to grab a camera.
Doing a Disney trip for Sam's birthday.
- Got to capture the memories, you know? - Blink, and they're gone, you know? Come on, buddy.
Let's go play.
Come on.
Are you okay? Am I? Oh.
So, I got you a gift for all your help.
We got you a gift.
Fine.
We.
Remember that box of tapes that mom sent Pete? Is this me humping my sleeping bag? 'Cause I'd really prefer not to see that again.
Tragically, Pete recorded over that with an episode of Nash Bridges.
Love that show.
But, this, uh I think this is gonna be up your alley.
You see, you might not remember it, but you were there.
Best soldier-reunion ever.
Thanks, brothers.