Family Guy Episode Scripts

N/A - American Gigg-olo

1 It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a Fam ily Guy! Good evening.
I'm Tom Tucker.
Coming up, why one hello a day to the receptionist at work is the magic number.
But first, pilot strike at Quahog Airport.
Picketing began on Thursday Weird day to start a strike And both sides appear to be at an impasse.
So ground control is telling Major Tom this could be long one.
(CHUCKLES) Does anyone else like David Bowie? Hey, what the hell is up with this letter? It says I'm no longer covered on your health insurance.
Oh, yeah.
They don't cover dogs no more.
You could do COBRA for $7,300 a month though.
Would that be something you'd be interested in? I need that health insurance.
You know I have a hernia.
What if I need surgery? Well, if you need insurance that bad, maybe it's time for you to go out and get a job of your own.
This sucks.
How did you get a hernia? Actually, I got it performing an incredible act of heroism.
(CAR CRASHES, WATER SPLASHES) Oh, my God! Somebody help me! I'm sinking! (GRUNTING) Hurry! I can't hold it! Okay, let me just unstrap my baby.
Oh! Oh! Oh! Slipping, slipping.
Sorry.
What do we want? PILOTS: Fair wages! When do we want it? Originally now, but it's been delayed until 9:40 due to weather in Philly! (SIGHS) This is a mess.
Like when Peter rode that Access Hollywood bus.
(WOMEN LAUGHING, CHATTERING) (DANCE MUSIC PLAYING INSIDE) Ah, bachelorette party.
Can I fit this in? Okay, cool.
I got time.
Hello, ladies.
Wow, here comes the bride, huh? More than once, if I have anything to do with it.
Finally, the stripper's here! What? No, I'm not a stripper.
I'm a pilot.
(WOMEN WHOOPING) See? This is a real uniform.
Ooh.
Take something else off, sexy.
(EXCITED CHATTER) Oh, yeah! (LAUGHS): All right! Oh, yeah? You want a little more, huh? (DANCE MUSIC CONTINUES, WOMEN CHEERING) Yeah! All right.
Who wants me to stow my bag under their seat? (CHEERING CONTINUES) Boy, and I thought the Federal Hill bakery had nice buns.
(LAUGHS) You're talented, Denise.
You should really go for it.
Wow.
What a day.
Please don't comment.
Oh, look at you.
- Did you get a job? - Bitch.
Did I get a job? Um, this ain't a life-vest, sista.
It's a work vest from a little place called Mega Hardware.
'Cause that's basically what I am now.
Just an everyday, working-class Joe.
Well, good for you.
No.
No, Brian.
This doesn't feel right today.
Yes.
There's a rat trap in that cabinet.
With a foot in it.
And somewhere in this house, there's a footless rat.
Well, I'm off to watch some Fox News in front of the old boob tube.
Tommy used to work on the docks Union's been on strike He's down on his luck It's tough, so tough.
- Hey.
- No.
- I wasn't sure.
- I'm sure.
- Okay.
- Well, got to go.
Got to do some more picketing.
Seriously? It's, like, 9:00 at night.
Yeah, uh well, it's, uh Cleveland's stealing shot glasses! I don't like drinking NyQuil out of them little cups.
Where the hell's Quagmire going? The airport's that way.
He doesn't know we're following him, Joe.
You don't have to duck down.
I'm not.
You took a pretty hard right turn back there.
I've been like this for a while.
(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING INSIDE) What's he doing? This is one of them places where women go to see male strippers.
Some bisexual men go as well.
(DANCE MUSIC CONTINUES) I don't see him.
Ladies, this is your pilot speaking.
I am in the full, upright and locked position.
(WOMEN CHEERING) Oh, my.
(MUSIC STOPS) Oh, my God! What are you guys doing here?! PETER: Crap.
Our disguises didn't work.
Quagmire, I didn't know you were a male stripper.
I wasn't.
Not until the strike, anyway.
I've been out of work for three weeks.
I'm out of money.
I-I had to do something.
God, I'm so embarrassed.
Why? Stripping is a very respectable profession.
If it weren't respectable, why would real estate agents go to strip clubs for lunch? He's right.
This is tremendous.
Are you banging all these chicks? Hey, hey! That is offensive.
I am a dancer, not a gigolo! Captain Cockpit, my friend is about to get married, and we were wondering if you'd have sex with her for $500.
I'm a gigolo.
Oh, hey, it's that guy.
Are you gonna say, "Who else but Quagmire?" (CLEARS THROAT) N uh, no, I, uh, uh, w-wanted to know if Quagmire was available tomorrow evening? Are are you gay? Uh, of course not.
No.
Uh, but I'm unable to properly have sex with my wife, so I figured, you know.
Eh, who else but Quagmire? Hey, awesome cameo.
Hey, sorry I'm late, guys.
Had to stop at the dry cleaner.
The dry cleaner? Wow, somebody struck it rich.
You know, I got to tell you, I was sweating that pilot strike, but now that I'm a gigolo, I'm making money by the fistful.
Is that a giggity? That is a giggity.
Hey, Quagmire, I couldn't help but notice you got some dry cleaning hanging up in the backseat of your car.
- Did you win the lottery? - No.
Well, I hope you're not actually doing that gigolo thing.
You know, prostitution is illegal.
Uh, uh, no, no, no.
It's, uh, it's something else.
Uh, uh, Quagmire's, uh, selling online Internet cyber stuff.
Wow.
Good for you, Quagmire.
(LAUGHS) You and Gates, huh? (PHONE VIBRATES) Uh, geez, I got to go home and change into my Tarzan costume.
Uh, uh for for for the Web.
Huh.
I got to get a computer.
Excuse me.
How many BTUs does this grill have? (CHUCKLES): Oh, man.
That puppy? More than you need, less that I want.
E-Excuse me.
Do you have a small grocery cart I could put this boat-sized hunk of lumber in? Probably out in the parking lot.
Can you tell me where I can find extension cords? - Aisle 25.
- I was just there.
- 26.
- There is no 26.
So Goby gets up on the lift Don't mind me.
Just grabbing myself a cup of mud.
I like mine black.
Black as night.
Black as sin, know what I'm saying? (CHUCKLES) Haven't introduced myself.
Guys in my crew call me "The Ratchet.
" Brian, it's not your break.
Get out there and help the customers.
Brian? (CHUCKLES) Who are you, my father? Ha! This guy.
- Get out there! - Yes, sir.
That guy's got no idea how hard I'm work Bird! A bird got in! Awesome! (PLAYING GENTLE CLASSICAL MUSIC) (CELL PHONE RINGING) PETER: Hello? Hey, Quagmire, what's going on? Oh, you need a ride? Yeah, sure.
I can come get you.
I'm not doing anything.
(FOOTSTEPS DEPARTING) (DOOR OPENS, CLOSES) Meg, that was the last guy, so just lock up when you're done.
Thanks for the ride.
One of my tricks drove me here from the Clam, and I didn't have any money for a cab.
Why not? Didn't she just pay you for sex? No.
After it was over, she said she wasn't gonna pay.
Well, that ain't fair.
You can't let these women take advantage of you like that.
What apartment is she in? I'll go talk to her.
She's in unit 17.
You know, if you're going back in anyway, can you grab my belt? It's reversible, so I'd hate to lose it.
PETER: Hey, you didn't pay my friend! So I'm gonna play with your doorbell until you pay up.
(DOORBELL RINGING RAPIDLY) WOMAN: Stop it! PETER: I can do this all day.
I love buttons.
WOMAN: Fine, here's your money! (DOORBELL STOPS) Here you go.
Peter, this is amazing.
Thank you.
Hey, you know what? Here's a little something for your trouble.
You're giving me a cut? Wow, thanks! No problem.
It's just too bad you're not here every time.
Well, I could be.
I mean, my days are pretty open, and I don't sleep a lot at night 'cause of health stuff.
Huh.
That'd be kind of nice, actually.
Hey, maybe you could drive me around and help me out, and I could even pay you a little something for your time.
Sure, that sounds great.
And you know what? It'll be nice having a little extra cash to bet on college football.
Yeah, I'd like to bet a hundred bucks.
You want to pick a team? No, just take it.
I thought you had the day off.
Maybe from the store, but it's not like things take a day off from needing repairs, am I right? (CHUCKLES) Oh, looks like this cabinet door is a good place to start.
Yup, she's off-kilter.
I'm gonna have to plane her down.
Lois, what year was this house built? Uh, I don't know.
Maybe 1945? Good, it's grandfathered in.
Thought I'd need a variance.
Don't want to get a code vi.
(CHUCKLES) "Vi" is violation.
"Code" is just code.
I don't know, Brian, it looks straight to me.
- What? - It's straight.
I-I don't know what that means.
"It's-it's straight"? Oh, you mean plumb.
Y-You're saying the door is plumb.
Wow, Brian, you do know all the lingo.
Ah, come on, that's just stuff you pick up on the site.
I'm gonna go use a miter to jerry-rig a shim jamb strap hinge quarter-round soffit two-by-six dowel cherry-picker flim-flam.
You know, Rupert, Brian's douche-iness should infuriate me, but the truth is he seems happy.
So I guess I'll just do nothing and that's that.
(THEME SONG PLAYING) Can't do it.
Let's get him fired.
("WORKIN' FOR A LIVIN'" BY HUEY LEWIS AND THE NEWS PLAYING) Some days won't end ever and some days pass on by I'll be working here forever, at least until I die Damned if you do, damned if you don't I'm supposed to get a raise next week You know damn well I won't Workin' for a livin', workin' Workin' for a livin' Workin' Workin' for a livin', livin' and a-workin' I'm takin' what they givin' 'Cause I'm workin' for a livin' Workin' for a livin', livin' and a-workin' Whoo! Boy, I have a whole new respect for Hayden Panettiere.
- (PHONE RINGS) - Giggity.
PETER: I'm pulling up.
You ready? Oh, hey, Peter, listen, I can't work tonight.
I'm spent.
That last trick was like trying to use an empty bottle of hand soap.
But you got to work.
I set up five appointments.
That's a lot of money.
Sorry, I can't do it.
You're just gonna have to cancel them.
What the hell did you say to me?! Peter, what are you doing?! You trippin', boy?! You're going out if I tell you you're going out, bitch! Okay.
What what's in your pimp cup? Uh, it's actually a wheatgrass, ginger mixture.
I was in the middle of a cleanse.
I didn't know we'd be doing this pimp thing, but I made a promise to my body.
(SIGHS): Ah.
Not great.
Peter, what you doing all dressed up for church? This ain't Easter.
No, Cleveland, these are my work clothes.
- You hosting Family Feud? - No, I'm a pimp.
Um, Big Pete, if we're gonna be sitting, may I use my penis donut? Bitch, I don't care.
Dang, Quagmire, you're lucky.
He take care of you.
Yeah, no, no, it's great.
Um, I'm making a lot of money.
I'm actually really happy.
I'm actually very hungry.
Nobody's gonna want you if you're fat! You want to eat? Get up to that bar and earn your keep.
W-What should I ask for, $500? You're not worth that much.
You're trash! Ask for two.
You know I hit you and whore you out because I love you, right? Hi, there.
You want to party? And can I have some of your bread? Hi, handsome.
You can't have my bread, but you can have something of mine that smells like bread.
Okay, let's go.
Just so you know, it takes me a long time.
All right, Rupert, if we're going to teach Brian a lesson, we're going to need some muscle.
You, you and you, 20 bucks for the day.
Hop in the back.
No! Asiento trasero Trasero! Forget it, just get in.
Anyone who doesn't enjoy the music of Josh Groban can get out of the (BLEEP) car.
You raise me up Okay, if you had a friend who worked at Mega Hardware, how would you get him fired? You ask him for papers? Okay, good.
Uh, that, unfortunately, won't work in this instance.
But I like your effort, Luis.
Uh, any other ideas? You could kill a guy.
You know what, Carlos, you stay quiet for a while.
I really only need two of you.
You'll still be paid.
You ask for papers? Okay, is there any idea out there besides killing a guy or getting someone deported? We do good job, we live with you? Well, you just offered to kill a guy, so you're not exactly number one on my roommate list.
Now, let's go.
I paid good money for you, I need answers! I want your best, and I won't stand for even one more stupid idea! You shake up boss's soda and give to him.
When he open it, it explode! This is why I pushed you.
Huh.
I guess that Brian Griffin is a good egg after all.
(SHOUTS) Griffin, you're fired! (MELANCHOLY JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING) HOOKER 1: I never liked prostitutes because they sell their bodies to all types of men.
HOOKER 2: I turned my first trick when I had my first one-night stand.
I had sex for dinner and drinks.
QUAGMIRE: Being a prostitute is no fun.
You have to work nights, weekends.
I hear on SNL the women are funnier than the guys now, but I don't know, I'll never see it.
NARRATOR: We meet Quagmire, a small-town boy with big-city dreams who has fallen deep into the game of prostitution at the Point.
You know, some people ask me, "Would you want your son to be a hooker?" My answer is always, "Hey, lady, are we talking, or am I beefing ya?" I kind of want to see Guardians of the Galaxy, but I also kind of feel like there might be scary parts.
Hey, honey, you shopping for groceries? You know what that means? "Shopping for groceries" is what I say instead of, "Do you want to pay me for sex?" so I can't get arrested.
Stewie, did you hire three Mexican guys to shake a soda can and give it to my boss? What?! One's Guatemalan.
Damn it, Stewie, you got me fired! Oh, who are you kidding? You got yourself fired.
Parading around there, pretending you know the first thing about tools.
You know what? You're going down there with me right now to tell them what you did.
Get your hands off me! I'll go floppy dead weight on you! (GROANS) Ah, crap! My stomach! I think my hernia ruptured! Oh, my God! Damn it, it's bad.
It's bad! I'll get Lois.
She can take you to the hospital.
No, she can't.
Thanks to you, I don't have insurance anymore.
What are we gonna do?! I'll get the gun! No, Stewie, you have to fix me.
What?! I'm not a doctor! Just look it up on your phone or something! Ugh, hold on.
I've got to update iOS.
Stewie! Okay, okay, got it.
It says I have to make an incision, retract the hernia sac, and then suture the abdominal lining.
How am I supposed to do that?! Grab my tool belt.
Use the self-sharpening linoleum blade.
(SCREAMS): Ah! And then hold the incision open with a vise grip, and use the slip-joint pliers to get the muscle back in position.
Okay, okay.
Now it's saying I have to suture it.
I've got some monofilament line you can use.
It's from aisle eight, above the chains and cables.
"Monofilament line," "slip-joint pliers.
" I've got to say, Brian, it seems like you really did learn something on that job.
You're right.
I guess I did.
But please, stitch me up.
Just be careful and take your time.
This is the delicate part, because Yeah, I'm gonna just use the staple gun.
Ah! Damn it! Ah! You know what? That was really easy.
That guy who killed Joan Rivers must be terrible at this.
Hey, there Oh.
What are you doing here? Quagmire? Uh, oh uh, uh I have a hobby that takes me this way.
Hey, I'm freezing.
You got a blanket in there or something? I got a towel, but it's wet because I'm eating peaches.
I lied about the hobby.
I was sinning.
I'm going to drive away backwards now.
Hey, baby, you want to party? Get in.
You guys having a good night? I like that it's getting dark earlier.
What are you guys gonna be for Halloween? Big Pete, help! She wants to do German things! German things! What? No! He hasn't eaten anything in days! It's not gonna work! Nein! Nein! (GRUNTING) Ah! She's got us both! Help us, pimps and hos! Help us, HBO camera crew! God, Quagmire, most of that was horrible.
I know.
Eventually, I might want to try it again.
Hey, listen, buddy.
I'm sorry about all this.
I guess I just got caught up in the money and-and assumed you were okay with it because of the sex.
I don't know, Peter.
I think you're just mad I didn't come to see your Pretenders cover band.
Yes, well, that may be.
Speaking of which, the Pretend Pretenders are playing again this weekend.
Uh, much like the real band, we have been described as "meh.
" Still, I'm really sorry.
Can you find it in yourself to forgive me, and maybe we can just go back to being friends? I'd like that.
Hopefully, the pilot strike will end soon and I can get my old job back.
Oh, the strike ended a month ago.
What?! Why didn't you tell me?! I did.
Are you still GlennQ10@aol.
com? No.
Ah, well.
There you go.