Family Guy s15e12 Episode Script

1 It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a Fam ily Guy! Hey, do you think homeless people ever have sex with each other? Probably.
But I don't want to think about it.
I know for a fact they do.
I spend most of my day breaking up - in-progress homeless sex.
- I bet it stink.
Oh, it stink all right.
So we talking group stuff or just one-on-one? Oh, anything goes.
Whatever you can fit under a tarp.
There's a major hot spot behind the Dumpster at The Cheesecake Factory.
Hey, what's up with the menus at The Cheesecake Factory? Why they got to be so big? Yeah, and why does their menu have ads? I go there for dinner, not to shop for appliances.
Hey, you know what, guys? This right here, this rambling, boring conversation containing already-made-before observations, this could be a podcast.
Ah.
That's actually not a bad idea.
Really? A podcast? Don't you have to be some sort of whiz kid to do those? Uh, definitely not anyone with a computer can make one.
Well, that's it We're "anyone.
" Let's do a podcast from right here in the booth.
Who's in? - Let's do it! - Yeah, sure.
Is it happening? Are we doing it now? Awesome! We haven't done anything as a group since we went birdwatching.
PETER (WHISPERING): Guys, look.
It's the yellow-headed puffin face.
OTHERS: Oh! Ooh! PETER: It's a solitary creature.
It's feathered crown is designed to scare away mates.
It's known to swell its face to assert dominance when threatened.
CLEVELAND: What does it eat, Peter? PETER: Gin and whatever's in the bowl at the airport bar.
I said, damn, what a wild couple of days.
Anyways, 'sup with you guys? Sorry, amigo, not interested.
(SNEEZES) This is what happens when you lick your spilled latte off the steering wheel.
She did that.
She's gross.
- Lois, are you okay? - Ugh.
Yeah.
It's just my allergies.
They've been awful.
(SNIFFS) I can't figure out what it is.
(SNEEZES) Maybe it's Brian.
He practically sleeps on top of you.
You could be allergic to him.
Hey, here's an idea, Chris why don't you mind your own business? You know, I did read that people could develop allergies to their pets.
Brian, maybe you shouldn't sleep in our bedroom - for a little while.
- What? Well, then where am I supposed to sleep? How about in your own apartment, like a grown-up? Do you have a problem with me, Chris? Why don't you sleep in Stewie's room? There's plenty of space.
Roomies? Dude! This'll be so ill! - Who are you? - I'll tell you who.
Your new roommate! (SNEEZES, GROANS) I'm gonna go take a shower so I can blow my nose into my hands.
(GRUNTS) Damn it! I hate this house.
- Morning, honey! - Go to hell! All right, you guys, podcast time.
We got the equipment and the perfect business plan give our show away for free, and tell no one how to find it.
Ready? Hey there, the Net, welcome to the first episode of Thanks for the Clamories.
I'm here with Glenn Quagmire, - Hi.
- Cleveland Brown - and - Hello.
(SIGHS) And Joe Swanson.
Yo-zah! All right, Quagmire, what do you got for us? Let's make a clam-ory.
Okay, this is yes or no.
Y-You ready, Peter? Yes or no.
French toast.
- Yes.
- French fries.
- Yes.
- French kissing.
I-I don't know.
These questions are weird.
Okay, okay, someone else.
Cleveland, yes or no.
- Velcro shoes.
- Hmm, Velcro shoes.
Woo-whee, this is a tough one.
I remember the first time I saw me a pair of 'cro's.
They were on the feet of Spunky Tesik.
Man, they was dandy Every time we played touch football, Spunky would step in a pile of dog poo.
You can wash a shoe, but you can't really wash a lace.
That's why Spunky made the change.
That's the thing about Velcro shoes.
Quiet going on, noisy coming off.
That rip! Spunky's mama thought he was an intruder.
Shot him right in the face.
Had an open casket at the funeral.
But only open on the middle part To this day, every time I see a pile of dog doo, I take a step in it just for Spunky.
So to answer the question, I'm gonna have to say both yes and no.
All right, that's all the time we got.
I'd like to thank our sponsor, the U.
S.
Postal Service.
When you want something expensive thrown on your porch and stolen, you want the U.
S.
Postal Service.
What the hell was that? I know! Cleveland, you ruined the whole podcast.
Yeah, if I wanted to hear a black guy ramble like a lunatic, - I'd watch Family Feud.
- Yeah, I mean, that was worse than an Italian guy describing someone's sexuality.
Anyway, my brother Louie, he's a he's a little off to the side, you know? Uh, foofy.
Uh, up to the knuckle.
He's a he's a backwards mechanic.
- Likes to play in the dirt.
- You mean gay? - (SCREAMS) - Mama! - (SOBBING) - Marone! Peter! Mama, Louie's not gay, he's he's creative.
Hey, Stewie, thanks for letting me stay in your room.
Oh, Brian, please It's our room now.
Hey, what are we gonna do tonight? Ooh, maybe we should watch that movie about Freud where Michael Fassbender repeatedly spanks Keira Knightley to orgasm? - You saw that movie? - I saw that scene.
(WHISTLES) So, I was thinking this could be your area.
Okay, yeah, yeah.
This is great.
And fair warning Some of the books are pop-up, - so don't be alarmed.
- Aah! Son of a bitch! Frickin' bird came out of nowhere! You know, I have a good feeling about this, Brian.
After all, you certainly can't be any worse than the last roommate I had.
- What the? - Please don't cry.
She's already very angry at me.
LOIS: Peter, where are you? You will wash your hands after you poop.
Shh, shh.
(WHISPERS): I won't.
You know, this is exciting.
Our second podcast.
All right, but listen up, Cleveland.
No more of your long stories, all right? Yeah, people aren't used to boring podcasts.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I suppose they ought to call me "Jelly," 'cause sometimes I get on a roll.
That.
That.
J N-None of that.
Welcome once again to Thanks for the Clamories.
Okay, common question that everybody thinks about.
How many fourth-graders you think you could take at once? - What? - I mean, obviously, if you had to fight against a million fourth-graders, you'd lose.
So, like, what's what's the real number? Like, what's the legitimate number of fourth-graders that you could successfully take on? Let's say a hundred.
That sounds reasonable.
Oh, no way.
A hundred and you're dead.
- Why are we fighting, now? - 'Cause they're idiots.
Did they say something about my mother? What? Yes.
Okay, yeah, yeah, we'll say yes.
- Oh, then a baker's dozen.
- What kind of weapons? Only what's available in the schoolyard.
You could really mess up some kids with a chain from a swing.
Just da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da! All right, tell you what I'd do, I'd back into a bathroom stall, and just start kickin'.
Dead! Dead! Dead! Keep comin'! Dead! Give 'em a narrow entry point, make 'em come in single file.
Dead! Dead! Anyway, I guess I'm trying to say 800 fourth-graders.
Why are we talking about killing kids? People are gonna hate this.
Peter, do something else, quick.
I'll-I'll uh, what if I play some kick-ass music? You've got to know when to hold 'em Kick-ass? This is not kick-ass.
Wait, hang on, hang on, I'll find something.
(TECHNO BEAT PLAYS ALONG WITH "THE GAMBLER") You're playing two songs at once.
- What even is this? - I-I don't know.
I'm just pressing buttons! I got to admit, it does have a groove.
Look! Those people are even dancing to it.
(WITH TECHNO BEAT): Every gambler knows That the secret to survivin' Aw, great! I accidentally started Chris's birth video.
LOIS (ON VIDEO): Ow! O-O-O-O-O-Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Kill me! Hey, what's that song you're playing? I don't know, it's just random garbage from my computer.
Oh, you're a deejay! That's perfect! I own a nightclub for cocaine people and Armenians.
I need noise.
You available? - We're in! - Great! I'll see you guys Wednesday at 2:00 a.
m.
What the hell was that? We're supposed to be doing a podcast.
Peter, I don't know if you noticed, but the podcast was a disaster.
Yeah, and we were looking for something to do as a foursome.
But how can I be a deejay? I'm just a guy with a laptop and an inflated self-image.
Trust me, you're perfect.
All right, sounds good.
Let's do this.
Okay, but hold on.
I got four quarters on Golden Tee.
(GRUNTS) How am I doing? Good job, Joe! A hole in one! (QUIETLY): He just keeps switching clubs.
Kids, time for dinner.
Where's your father? I think he's getting ready for his deejay gig.
His what? (TECHNO BEAT PLAYING) Hmm.
Still a trace of melody.
I'll just add some power tools.
(TECHNO BEAT AND MECHANICAL WHIRRING, RATTLING) Yeah.
Yeah, I'd drink vodka and Gatorade to that.
Peter, since when are you a deejay? Since some guy came in the Clam and heard my awesome jams and beats.
Well, he's got the lingo down.
Thanks, Chris.
- Now, scream! - (SCREAMING) Hey, you are good at this, Dad.
Peter, knock it off.
You're a middle-aged man.
You can't be a deejay.
Why not? I could totally be a deejay.
For God's sake, John Travolta's a pilot.
TRAVOLTA (OVER SPEAKERS): This is your captain speaking.
We have reached our cruising altitude.
It is now safe to take off your wigs and be gay.
(DING) Well, what's all this? Oh, just some stuff I got out of my storage unit.
Check this out.
You'll love this.
Do I look like a Terminator dog? - No.
- Yeah, I do.
Look I even brought Tom Sizemore's Game of Life.
"Sell rights to Saving Private Ryan residuals to buy a case of Coors Light.
" "Steal your son's wallet while he's in the shower.
" "Miss audition.
" "Scoop someone's urine from Starbucks toilet to pass drug test.
" Feels like we should be moving these pieces backwards.
(TECHNO BEAT PLAYING) ANNOUNCER: Okay, let's make some noise for Deejay Peter and the Sound Slap! (CROWD CHEERING) (ELECTRONIC EXPLOSION) QUAGMIRE: Giggity, giggity, giggity, giggity, giggity, giggity, giggity, giggity, giggity! Give it to 'em.
PETER (OVER SPEAKERS): Shut up, Meg.
Sh-Sh-Shut up, Meg.
Heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh.
Butt scratcher! Butt scratcher! (INDISTINCT, RHYTHMIC SHOUTS) LOIS: Peter, Peter, Peter CLEVELAND: Roadhouse.
Roadhouse.
That's nasty.
That's nasty.
LOIS: What? Wha-Wha-Wha-What? This place is awesome! Totally! And did you see Tom Sizemore in the bathroom with a ladle? (TECHNO BEAT CONTINUES) You've been playing the exact same song for 14 hours.
That means you're great.
I was right about you, guy.
Weird you turned that into a compliment about yourself.
Well, I'm on cocaine.
My kid's baseball team came in second place.
I don't care about that.
But listen, there's a big music festival coming up.
You've got some mad deejay skills.
You could be our headliner.
Electric Clam Festival? Yeah, it's gonna be awesome.
- So what do you say? - Well, I don't know.
I-I should probably check with the guys and see what they What? You don't need the guys.
I didn't see their fingers press three buttons.
Huh.
I guess I do have a gift.
So are you in? Yeah, that'd be amazing.
Can I kiss you? - Excuse me? - I don't know.
Someone gave me a pill, and now all I want to do is feel your jacket.
(MOANING): Oh, yeah.
No, no, stay here.
Stay here.
That.
That.
That.
See, listen.
Right there.
You can't hear that on a CD.
Only the vinyl, man.
I'm glad we hung out after you struck out with my mom.
You know, I could've used some help folding these fitted sheets.
- Who's this turd? - Oh, this is Georgie.
Brian, I never said you could have guests.
Hey, don't touch that.
Okay, red flags flying.
Look, I need him out of here.
You can't kick him out.
He's my friend, and I live here, too.
Not anymore.
I want you out of my room.
Well, it's not your room anymore, it's our room.
Lois said so, and I'm not leaving.
I can't believe I ever wanted you here in the first place.
You're messy, you're loud, and thanks to you, we've got a recurring flea problem.
Hey, Bri.
You want to hang out? Go away, Flea.
You're not welcome here.
And put on a shirt.
You're 50.
Actually, 54.
(SCRATCHING) (KNOCKING ON DOOR) Peter, I was plowing this college chick last night, and I saw this flyer on her mini fridge.
I thought we were all in this together.
Well, yeah.
That's the thing.
A guy on cocaine told me I'm the talent.
So what, you're just dropping us? Yeah, how could you just ditch us? All right, you know what? You guys were riding my coattails.
I carried you as long as I could, but Rob Kardashian's gonna be at this thing, so I got to be at my best.
Now, get out of here.
I got to practice.
Damn it, Peter.
That's too loud.
Turn it down.
That isn't loud.
This is.
It's not loud until you can feel your head bones.
If you can't hack it, take a hike.
Why's he being such a jerk? I don't know.
We've always had each other's backs, like when we used to rob banks in lesser-known presidents masks.
PETER: All right.
Remember to tell everyone who did this.
Um.
Who are you guys supposed to be? PETER (SCOFFS): Oh, come on.
I'm James K.
Polk.
He's Millard Fillmore.
He's William Henry Harrison.
JOE: First president to die in office.
You should've been FDR.
Why? 'Cause of the you know.
The wheelchair doesn't define me! CLEVELAND: And I'm Grover Cleveland.
It's funny, 'cause my name's Cleveland.
PETER: Aw, damn it, Cleveland.
Now we got to kill them all.
(COCKS GUN) This guy gets it first.
(ALARM RINGING) Ugh.
Didn't you hear the alarm? Peter, wake up.
We're gonna be late for church.
Are you even listening to me? You've got to stop coming home so late if you can't get up in the morning, and (SPEAKING, NO SOUND) (HEART BEATING) (SILENCE CONTINUES EXCEP FOR HEART BEATING) Oh, God.
I can't hear Garfield.
I've gone deaf.
All right, now how long has your husband smelled like this? Oh, no.
That's just from riding here in a hot car, but Dr.
Hartman, what about his hearing? Hearing? This is a hospital, I'm not a lawyer.
Oh, for God's sake, is my husband deaf? Well, there's only one way to find out definitively.
Hey stupid deaf guy! Well, I've gotten the results back.
He's deaf.
This is horrible.
This must be because of all that loud, blaring music he's been playing in those nightclubs.
What's going on? Can he fix it in time for me to deejay at the music festival? - No.
- What? - No! - What? Are you sure? - Yes.
- What? (LAUGHING): Have a good life.
Hey, guys, I don't know if you've heard, but I've gone deaf.
- You what? - What? Oh, you're ear crippled? I can't hear you, Joe.
Here's a bag of Alpha-Bits.
Please spell out what you're saying.
Oh, there's no "L" s.
By the way, I ate all the "L" s.
They're delicious.
- They're my favorite ones.
- What are you talking about? - They all taste the same.
- What? Why don't you just text it to him? You know, that's a good idea.
What the hell do you want? You told us you were a big shot deejay and didn't want anything to do with us.
(PHONE CHIMES) I don't think he can hear it.
Oh, son of a bitch.
Look at your phone.
Oh, what do I want? Um, the Electric Clam Festival's coming up, and I need your help.
Now that I'm deaf, I can't do it without you guys.
Forget it.
You told us to go to hell.
Well, now you can go to hell.
Oh, great.
Thanks.
I knew I could count on you guys.
- But we said no.
- What? One, two, thr ah, crap.
One, two come on.
All right.
This time for the world record.
Eww.
What the hell is that? It's a ferret.
Look at it, Brian.
It's like a long rat.
Like a living tail.
Look at its feet.
Eww.
They're gross.
Why'd you get a ferret? All the worst roommates have ferrets.
You want to pet it? It bites.
I can't sleep with that monster in here.
That's the idea.
I want you out.
This room belongs to me and the ferret now.
Why you being such a dick about this? Because.
You're a pain in the ass to live with.
What did you just do? I just pushed a little bitch baby.
(YELLING) (BOTH GRUNTING) Oh, Brian, there you are.
I wanted to tell you that you can come back and sleep in our room.
What? I can? Yeah.
Turns out it was Peter who was causing my allergies.
He stuffed all our pillows with hay because he thought it looked comfortable in cartoons.
Wow.
Then, I guess I'm moving out.
I guess you are.
(SIGHS) Look, Stewie, I-I I probably got a little carried away.
I'm sorry I wasn't the best roommate.
Hey, Brian.
You know, maybe I wasn't such a great guy, either.
I'm sorry.
Oh, that's okay.
You know, even if we were bad roommates, we'll always be good friends.
I hope you and your ferret are happy in here together.
Well, now that you're moving out, I'll probably just drown it in the tub.
(SCREAMS) Brian! Brian! Ah! It bit my nose.
He's latching on.
Stop moving.
I almost got him.
Fill the tub, fill the tub! Hey, Stella, can I ask you something? When you went deaf, did your other senses get better? No.
That's a common myth.
Chances are you'll be hit by a bus in the first three months.
What? Uh, damn it.
Being deaf sucks.
I'd rather be stuck on a Disney cruise.
Ho-ho, ho-ho.
Don't eat the shrimp.
Ho-ho.
(SIGHS) You know, the worst part of all of this is I lost my friends.
I was a complete jerk to them.
I don't blame them for not wanting to help me.
What? QUAGMIRE: We heard you, Peter.
Hey, Peter! We're over here.
You got to throw something at him.
Ow.
Damn it.
What are you guys doing here? (CHEERING) All right, Peter, it's all cued up.
Just push this button.
Okay.
Here we go.
No, Peter.
Not that one.
NARRATOR (OVER COMPUTER): Audible dot com presents, "Are You There, Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea," as read by Chelsea Handler.
Peter, that's the wrong track.
Yeah, pretty good stuff, huh? CHELSEA HANDLER: Chapter one.
Stuff I can fit in my lady place.
Up first, Eiffel Tower Lego sculpture Yep.
Peter, we got to stop this.
CHELSEA HANDLER: Soup thermos Yep.
It's locked.
Yeah.
Awesome, huh? Wait.
How come everyone's leaving? CHELSEA HANDLER: Brother brand, all-in-one fax, scanner, color copier with phone attachment (GROANING): Yep.
Well, bad news.
'Cause of that audiobook fiasco I got fired from the club.
Hey, what's with your voice? Did you get your hearing back? Oh, yeah.
Turns out it wasn't the loud music at the clubs that made me go deaf.
It was the fistfuls of Oxycontin.
Well, that stinks about your deejay job.
Sorry it didn't work out for you.
That's okay.
I just appreciate that you guys were there for me and tried to help me out.
Especially after I'd been such a jerk to you.
Well, it's good to have you back to normal, Peter.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm up on Big Buck Hunter.
I get 'em? Oh, yeah.
You got them all, Joe.
We didn't even put quarters in the game.
He don't know.