Family Guy s15e11 Episode Script


1 It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a Fam ily Guy! COMMENTATOR: Wide open in the end zone.
(crowd cheering on TV) ouchdown Patriots! Beautiful pass by Tom Brady.
Yeah, Brady! He's awesome.
I can't believe Gisele gets to sleep with him.
I wish I was a supermodel.
Hey, it's a commercial.
Jerome, switch over to the RedZone.
Screw that, I say we put on the BoneZone.
- What's that? - Oh, it's awesome.
They show every sex scene on TV without all the boring dialogue and plot.
(remote clicks) Okay, once again, nothing is happening on Homeland, but over on Masters of Sex, Lizzie Caplan is hooked up to electrodes and getting it from a guy who sounds American, but probably isn't.
Hey, we're gonna split the screens now because my producer is telling me on Game of Thrones we got a malnourished Albino plowing a girl in a tub as he names dragons.
Oh, there's a Bone Zone alert for Girls, which we'll ignore, 'cause it's Gabby Hoffmann Donald Ducking it.
Last time we went to that, we lost a lot of subscribers, and we're keeping an eye on The Knick.
We don't want to bring you dead boobs, but if they're alive, we'll get you over there.
(phone chirps) Ah, crap.
It's almost 3:00.
I got to get out of here.
For what? It's Sunday.
Eh, the airline's making us all attend a seminar about what do to if someone flies a drone into your flight path.
Yeah, I hear that kind of obnoxious behavior is very big right now in the dangerous idiot community.
Really? I didn't see that in the newsletter this month.
Just a big article about how to tailgate a speeding fire truck to get places faster.
(siren wailing) (laughs) Wait till they get to the golf course and find out there's no fire.
No, It's a serious problem.
Nowadays any moron could just order a drone online.
- Oh.
- There's no regulation.
- Oh! - And most of them have cameras so people can spy on whoever they want and invade their privacy.
(louder): Oh! Peter, are you ordering a drone right now? You bet your ass I am.
Owning a drone is gonna be a blast.
Even more fun than when I had breakfast in bread.
Hi, Lois.
It's a great morning, no matter how you slice it.
Yeah, I don't know what this is Peter, but we're four months behind on our mortgage.
Well, that's odd.
It's not like we're short on dough.
I'm taking the kids and I'm staying at my parents' for a while.
That's the yeast of my concerns.
Ah, Brian, you finally made it.
I'm having a tea party.
Sit down.
Yeah, you texted me, like, 80 times.
Look, Stewie, I don't have time to sip air and pretend to eat a wooden hamburger patty.
Yeah? Tell me why you don't have time.
All right, I have time.
And there's nothing pretend about this.
Real tea, real milk, and the best honey you'll ever taste in your whole life.
Wow, this is good.
Where'd you buy the honey? I didn't, I'm raising bees.
You're raising bees? Like-like a beekeeper? Yup, Mom missed soccer registration, so this is my weekends.
Mmm, I got to say, you're good at it.
You know, you could probably sell this stuff.
Really? You think it's that good? Yeah, plus it's local.
It's straight from the hive.
People at farmers' markets would go nuts for this.
You know, you could probably charge, like, $20, $30 a jar.
Oh, now I'm excited about this, Brian.
I feel like an eighth grader who just had sex.
So, you go all the way? Oh, yeah.
I'm gonna need some proof.
Hmm, how can I prove it? Maybe with Father O'Leary's briefs.
- Oh! - The king.
(crying): He said he loved me.
All right, time to take flight.
Drone of Arcadia.
Oh, Amber Tamblyn.
I love that show.
Now married to David Cross.
(drone powers up) Can I have a turn? I want a turn.
Hey, does Cleveland have a bald spot? No.
Hey, what's this do? (airplane engine) (motor mower) (grunting) (splash) JOE: Check it out, here comes a hawk.
(hawk screeches) (wings flapping) Uh-oh.
What's happening? - (hawk screeching) - Ah, no! I don't think this is consensual! JOE: Look at that pervert squirrel just watching.
(crunch) (drone engine starting) Oh, crap, it's busted.
And I bet it's completely traumatized.
I wasn't traumatized actually.
It was planned.
Part of the games we play.
I've been a bad drone.
(knocking on door) Peter, you've been knocking a while.
I don't think anyone's in there.
Yeah, look at all this mail.
Maybe he's on vacation or something.
Oh, my God, he's dead! And his face and earlobes are missing.
(cat yowls, all scream) Oh, that's a relief.
It's just the cat that ate his face and ears off.
So, Brian, this is my hive.
Now, how many bees do you think are in here? I don't know, a-a million? No, it's 4,000.
Now that seems like nothing because of your idiot million guess.
All right, now, if you're going to sell honey at the farmers' market, you need to practice.
So you be the salesman, and I'll be the customer.
Ooh, what do we have here? Uh, honey.
Like the sign says.
I find your attitude cavalier.
May I speak to your manager? Stewie, come on.
I'm sorry, is there a problem here? I was just in the back and I heard a commotion.
- How do we have a back? - I simply came here to enquire about honey and your employee spoke to me loudly and with profanity.
Stewie, this is ridiculous.
Brian, please, I trust that this handsome young customer knows what he's talking about.
Oh, my, and I thought only bees pour on the honey.
I'm going inside.
So, are you from around here? No I'm just in town for the John Singer Sargent exhibit - at the museum.
- (gasps) Really? I've been looking for an excuse to go again.
Well, looks like I won't need that audio tour.
Give me one minute.
Let me text my fiancée.
Your what? - (phone beeps) - That was Bonnie.
She said they already sold the house behind us.
Poor Mr.
- (party music plays) - What the hell is that? MAN: Yeah, that party bus is awesome.
MAN 2: Yeah, let's go, let's go.
- Here we go, baby.
- Yeah! Oh, God, please don't let that be our new neighbors.
- What is it? - Some kind of crazy van with the number 87 on the side.
- (dreaming music) - 87? That's not a van, Lois, that's a party bus.
Rob Gronkowski's party bus! Who's that? Only the star tight end of the New England Patriots and America's most athletic Polish.
Did you guys see? Oh, my God, that was Rob Gronkowski.
(men continue cheering) (tyres skid) (all breathing heavily) (out of breath): Am I running? Is this what running is? I hate it.
(panting) What's up, butt munchers? That's us! He called us butt munchers! We're butt munchers! (all laughing and cheering) All right, time to Gronk a dump in my new house.
God! Our new neighbor is Gronk.
Hey, I'm your new mailman.
Former star of The Incredible Hulk, Lou Ferrigno.
On any other day that would be so exciting.
Please give me my mail and go.
What the hell are you doing? I wanted to bring over something to welcome Gronk to the neighborhood.
So I scraped all the cool ranch off of 15 bags of Doritos.
You're bringing him a bowl of powder? Yeah, I thought he could eat it by the fistful or rub it on his balls.
Peter, I don't know what you're so excited about.
Rob Gronkowski is probably the worst neighbor we could ask for.
You know he's gonna be partying day and night.
It's not like it's that tasty piece of ass, Julian Edelman.
Now there's a Patriot you can get excited about.
I know he's a wide receiver, but if he's giving, I'm taking.
(gruff voice): I'll take it all.
I'll take it wherever.
(fizzy drink shaking) Ah! (relieved sigh) Anyway, go suck up to your big dumb monster.
I'll be here hooking the "G" to thoughts of Edelman.
(can noise) (doorbell rings) So, what'd you get him, Cleveland? Oreo middles.
Whoa, four standing dogs? No, we're people, sir.
Um, Mr.
Gronk? I'm Peter Griffin.
I live in the house behind yours.
We wanted to welcome you to the neighborhood.
Awesome! (smashing noise) Ha-ha, he spiked it.
I was hoping he would do that.
My eyes! Hey, you guys seem great.
You want to come in and eat pizza standing up? - Uh, yeah.
- Cool.
You mind if I call you all Grover? I don't like learning names.
Yeah, sure, that'd be sweet.
Well, come on in, Grover.
(gasps) He knows my name! (indistinct conversations and music) Oh, my God, you guys, having Gronk here is gonna be the best.
Kind of like those years when it was just Marley and me.
Hey, my dog's chewing up that thing I need.
Hey, my dirty dog's jumping in the neighbor's pool.
Wait, Marley, don't shake your wet fur in the middle of this fancy party.
I'm gonna lay down these work blueprints on the floor and I sure hope you don't walk across them with muddy paws.
Marley! Aw, my nightmare dog is dead.
Marley and me.
(party sounds) Workout room, kegerator cellar, another workout room, and over here's a room that's just got a lit candle on a bale of hay.
I-Is that just 'cause of the danger? That's exactly why.
My dumb wife won't let me have a room like that.
Do you have a wife? (laughing) (chuckles nervously) What's going on? Let's go check out the hot tub.
Check it out, my hot tub is filled with coffee.
Grab a donut, go to town! Sponsored by Dunkin' Donuts.
And the pool is filled with my favorite food: soup with little shapes in it.
Sponsored by Campbell Soup.
Oh, alphabet soup is my favorite, too.
What's a "albaphet"? Nothing.
What you said is not anything.
And check out the shower! Ultra Sunrise Monster Energy Drink.
Sponsored by Monster Energy Drink.
Why do you keep saying what things are sponsored by? My manager said if I don't, I won't go to heaven.
Sponsored by SMS Audio Sweatproof Sport Headphones.
Well, you were right, the farmers' market is wonderful.
You've got your yoga pants moms, you got your mixed-race kids riding a pony, a confused Jerome What is this? A vegetable parking lot? Now, remember to tell customers that this honey is farm-to-table.
We're not a restaurant, that doesn't make any sense.
Doesn't have to.
Say anything-to-anything, people lose their minds.
Just so you know, this is all grass-to-bottle.
- Ooh! - I know, right? That'll be $68.
Is this a superfood? Total superfood.
Full of GMOs.
GMOs are bad.
No GMOs whatsoever.
Wow, this is great, we've only been here an hour and we're almost totally sold out.
Yes, I didn't see that coming.
Just like Dan Cortese didn't see the end of the '90s coming.
ALL: Three two one Happy New Year! (crackling) Dan Cortese was the only thing in the entire world affected by Y2K.
(party music playing) Grovers, you made it! Here, have a beer.
Hey, Gronk, you know, there's something I always wanted to ask you.
When you know you have single coverage, do you give a hand signal to Brady, or is it just eye contact? I don't know, want to see me dance? Well, no, I ask because sometimes you're being covered by a little guy, and then you and Brady'll look at each other and A-Am I am I supposed to touch you? What what am I what am I doing here? Oh, I'm sorry, bro.
What was the question? I ju I just want to know if you and Brady have, like, a Like, a secret hand signal or something.
Whoa, that is top secret, but lean in and I'll tell you.
(belches) How rude.
Hey, want to meet my family? These are my brothers.
Actually, one of them is my dad, I'm not sure which.
Probably the gray-haired one with the whiskey-face sunburn? Oh, it's an honor to meet you, sir.
You must be very proud.
Hell yeah.
I think every dad's dream is taking his son's sloppy seconds.
Is your mom here, too? They don't have a mom.
My ex-wife raised them, God bless her, but genetically, they're a product of me blammin' onto a side of beef.
All right, since we sold out so fast, we've got to make these bees more productive, get them to make more honey.
How are we gonna do that? Steroids, Brian.
This here is the same stuff that turned Barry Bonds' head into a prize-winning squash.
Well, how much are we supposed to give them? Hmm.
It says this is enough for a horse, so, I don't know, how many bees is a horse? Well, you can't fit a horse in this box, so I'd just use the whole thing.
That makes sense.
Barry Bonds says that's too much steroids.
Time for bed, Barry.
(grunts) Turn down for what (distant): Turn down for what God, they're still going? Peter, this is exactly what I told you would happen! Not so much fun anymore, is it? (music stops, applause) Oh, thank God, maybe they're wrapping it up.
Noise Noise! Loud noise, noise And a Civil War cannon.
(cannon fires) Damn it, I can't take anymore! He is the worst neighbor ever.
You won't believe what he did yesterday.
GRONK: Hey, Grover, catch! (techno music playing) (cheering) (music stops) Uh, listen, Gronk, um, it's gettin' kind of late.
Don't you think maybe it's time to call it a night? Yeah, sure.
Hey, you ever seen a nard explode? A a what? A wha a nard? I don't Is that something on the Internet? Uh, 'cause I Ah, damn it, what the hell?! (laughter) MAN: Oh, nice shot there.
Come on, don't get mad, bro.
I was just kidding.
You were kidding?! What was the joke?! This was! Oh, damn it, you hit the seam! - MAN: Oh! - (laughter) Yeah.
You know what? You're a jerk, Gronk! That's it, I'm getting rid of that bastard.
Just like I helped kick the British out of America.
This tyranny shall not stand! For without liberty Ah, crap, he's even in the cutaways! (groaning) (breathing heavily): Just Just go to commercial.
I'm gonna squat here and hold onto this bench.
(party music playing) Peter, you got to figure something out.
They haven't stopped partying the whole night.
- MAN: Yeah! - MAN 2: Gronk! MAN 3: Party! MAN 4: I'm the dad! I'm sorry, you were right all along.
But don't worry, I'll take care of it.
Well, you better do something soon.
I can't live like this.
I know.
That guy's more annoying than going to an Italian restaurant with someone who's been to Italy.
They call this a trattoria? More like a ristorante to me.
Look at that fresco.
Supposed to be the hills of Elba? Not once you've seen 'em.
Are you ready to order? Si.
Let me handle this, Peter.
Two spaghettis and a chicken fingers.
God, look at all the honey the bees made! Those steroids were a great idea, Stewie.
Hey, look, that bee is trying to get our honey.
(chuckling): Okay, Mr.
Bee, we'll give you the employee discount.
After all, you - (yells) - Holy crap! That thing just lifted a whole jar of honey! Oh, God, do you think that's one of our steroid bees? (buzzing) Well, this one's wearing a hoodie as a shirt.
So, yeah, I think these are ours.
Stewie, I have a bad feeling abo Oh, God, it just ate the other bee! Okay, so a few of them had a bad reaction to - (buzzing) - Oh, crap.
(buzzing continues) Oh, my God.
Brian, run! (tires screeching) I think maybe giving those bees steroids was a bad idea.
- (splat) - (gasps) Turn on the wipers! (Brian and Stewie yelling) (muffled music playing) You sure this is gonna work, Peter? Absolutely.
Gronk went to the University of Arizona, and everyone who went to the University of Arizona believes leprechauns are real.
And since Cleveland already owns a green suit and a top hat This is my Easter clothes.
(doorbell rings) Whoa, a leprechaun! Say the thing.
(in Irish accent): Top of the morning to you, Mr.
Have you any interest in a pot of gold? All you have to do is move to Tallahassee! Wait a minute, this is just a disguise! Aah, son of a bitch! What's going on here? Are you guys trying to get rid of me? Yeah, we're tryin' to get rid of you! Why? 'Cause you're a pain in the ass to live next to! I mean, what the hell, Gronk? Why you got to be like this? You're a millionaire, you have the sweetest job in the world, you can do whatever you want.
Why you got to act like such an idiot all the time? It's not a choice, Grover.
But rather, an obligation.
You see, I've been groomed for this my entire life.
Scoring touchdowns, making people laugh, punishing my body, enduring the pain.
All in the name of entertainment.
Don't you understand? I'm a commodity, a product.
A modern day gladiator.
You ask about the whys and the wherefores behind the boorish facade? The answer is simple: I play the jester because society deems it necessary.
Also, I'm (bleep) insane! (laughing) Eat a butt, fatty! Gronk ain't going nowhere! Oh, that's it! (all grunting) Oh, cool, we're fighting? You guys mind if I eat while I beat you up? (grunting) (tires screeching) What the hell are we supposed to do? We're surrounded! Hang on, I got this.
"Meg, come outside.
We have Pinkberry.
" - (buzzing) - (Meg yelling) Ow! Ow, ow! Stop stop it! All right, they're distracted, let's go! Quick! We just have to get rid of the queen! She's in the hive! What's that gonna do? The bees instinctively stay with the queen, so if she's gone, they'll follow her! Okay, great, but how we gonna do it? (buzzing) (all straining) (grunting) You guys are bad fighters.
That's his third sub.
Ah, cool! Honey rain! Aah, oh, my God, is that a bee?! You have bees here? Uh, yeah, it's the world.
(buzzing) Holy crap! There's a ton of them! Dad, start up the party bus! We're moving! DAD GRONKOWSKI: Bees? Yeah, bees! And they're showing blitz! We got to leave on two! (buzzing) (party music playing) (tires screeching) You think their Wi-Fi is "Vag-Town"? Yeah, that's probably them.
Look at that, no password.
Oh, well, thank goodness we finally have our neighborhood back.
Yeah, now maybe Wilson can move back in and give me homespun wisdom over the fence.
Peter, that was Home Improvement.
It's exhausting that you never just go with something I say.
Coming up, yesterday's brisket.
(belches, blows) But first, breaking news: Rob Gronkowski has been suspended from the Patriots following a failed drug test that showed evidence of steroids in his system.
The star athlete claims he has no idea how the banned substance got into his body.
Oh, no way! That's terrible.
When pressed for further comment, Mr.
Gronkowski said simply, "Grover, go long.
" Uh-oh.