Family Guy s15e10 Episode Script

Passenger Fatty-Seven

1 It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a Fam ily Guy! ANNOUNCER: And now, The History Channel presents American Inventor: The True Story of Henry Ford.
This is my Jew Flattening Machine.
It'll flatten any Jew.
Simply climb behind the wheel, drive it towards a Jew, and flatten him.
Could you also use it just to drive from place to place and stuff? It-It's a Jew Flattening Machine.
It's not what it's designed for.
But you could use it that way? Yeah, yeah, you cou Yeah, yeah, you-you could also use the Mona Lisa as a placemat.
- Hey, guys.
- Oh, hey, Quagmire.
How was marching band practice? Peter, you know this is a pilot's uniform.
It represents years of specialized training.
Yeah, well, you know what else takes years of specialized training? Crossing your eyes.
Aah! Aah! Aah! Too far! Too far! MAN (Korean accent): Hold still.
Thank you, Korean sweatshop animator.
You've earned your nickel this week.
Where're you coming from, Quagmire? I had to fly to Aruba, so I brought my mom along with my "friends and family" discount.
Did you Yes, Joe, I got you a magnet.
Where do you even put all those magnets, Joe? Well, you know I have that fridge in the garage with bags of blood in my blood type? What's "friends and family"? Oh, airline employees can get discounted tickets for family and close friends.
What? How-how come you've never done that for us? If I'm being honest, I've also got a few Celeste pizzas in that fridge.
I don't know, I-I guess I just figured you guys always have to work, or you're with your kids.
But sure, yeah, I could take you somewhere.
I'm going to San Francisco next week.
You guys want to come? San Francisco? That city from And the Band Played On and Milk? I'm in! Yeah, thanks, Quagmire.
Oh, wow, this'll be great.
Hey, can you make us X-Men? What a surprise.
Well, I'm off to San Francisco with the guys.
Okay, I'm off to Hilton Head with the girls.
- You what? - Peter, I told you about this a month ago.
I'm going with Bonnie and Donna to Donna's sister's time share.
Well, we can't both go on a trip at the same time.
I'm sorry, Peter, but I already have a taxi waiting.
(sighs) All right, I'll go tell the guys I'm not going.
Why is he taking his suitcase to tell the guys? You guys, come on, we got to go now.
Let's go, move it.
QUAGMIRE: I'm in the shower.
It doesn't matter, we're stealing Lois' cab.
Son of a Oh, and the idiot took my suitcase.
Aw, he was taking me with him.
(indistinct conversations) Ah, San Francisco.
Aah! San Francisco! So what are we gonna do first? I want to see the Golden Gate Bridge.
I want to see Lombard Street.
I want to see Ghirardelli Square.
Guys, guys.
Let's get lesbian haircuts and see 'em all.
Come to my window Oh Crawl inside Wait by the light of the moon Come to my window I'll be home soon I'll be home, I'll be home I'm coming home All right, the gay jokes are out of the way, now let's get down to business.
Okay, guys, this is the original Levi Jeans factory, created by Levi Strauss in the year 1853 so that gold miners could wear a comfortable yet durable fabric.
This is boring.
Well, then you plan the vacation! Aah! Peter, Peter, calm down, it-it's okay, we'll-we'll do whatever you want.
All right, if you promise.
I was thinkin' we could tuck our shirts into our pants, put on huge helmets, and ride Segways.
ALL: We're not from here! We're not from here! You guys, look.
It's Golden State Warriors star Steph Curry.
Oh, my God, Steph, I'm such a big fan.
It's nice to meet you.
Hey, I know we just met, but can I sit on your lap during your next post-game press conference? Sure, I don't see why not.
This is exciting for the whole Bay Area, to be just four games away from the championship Dad, I dooked.
That other team's not just gonna go away, though.
We've got to stay focused, keep doing what we've been doing.
Fat lady.
Dad, Dad, a fat lady.
Yeah, I-I see her, Peter.
Make her go.
That's not how we talk to people.
Make her go.
WOMAN: I'll leave.
Yay! I'm learning bad lessons.
So that was San Francisco.
I didn't realize how hilly it was gonna be.
Thanks again for taking us, Quagmire.
Hey, no problem.
Hey, you know, we're here early.
You guys want a little tour of the plane? Yeah, that'd be great.
Normally I'd just go to Hudson News and pretend to be the most important guy there.
Can I help you? Yes, I will have eight Dasanis and a JD Power & Associates.
(cheering, whistling) Wow, this place is cool.
What do all these buttons do? Like, what's this red one? Oh, that's a voice filter, so the passengers always think the pilot is a 60-year-old Midwestern white man.
What? That's impossible.
Hi y'all, this is Cleveland.
AUTHORITATIVE VOICE: Good afternoon, folks, this is Captain Dale Clark up here in the flight deck.
We're way up in the air.
We've reached our cruising altitude of 37,000 feet.
Y'all get ready to watch Big Momma's House.
Our in-flight entertainment today will be Under the Tuscan Sun.
Ooh, I like that.
I hear it's good.
Hey, what's this button? "Autopilot"? Oh, that allows the plane to fly itself when I need a break.
W-What do you mean, "a break"? You don't have to fly the plane? Of course I do.
I just take a short break sometimes.
Short break? It looks like you had time to put together the 10,000-piece Lego Hogwarts.
You don't have to touch it, Joe, you can just say you noticed it.
And what's this booth over here? Oh, that's my back-in-time box.
I go inside, magically go back in time, and then come out and react to the fact that we're flying.
By God, we're levitating.
That's just a box full of costumes.
It's my back-in-time box! What the hell, Quagmire? So-so, basically, your job is just goofin' off.
That's not true.
I broke Gandalf in half.
It's Dumbledore! Screw you guys.
You know, being a pilot is hard work.
Look, I tried to be nice and take you fellas on a free trip, and all you can do is crap all over my job.
I was a Navy pilot, you jerks.
Get the hell out of my cockpit.
Joke's on him.
I farted just before he kicked us out.
Oh, God! All right, let's see what's in the in-flight magazine.
Muscular old guy.
Already filled-in crossword puzzle.
Ooh, this is food for different routes I'm not on.
All right, time to use the potty.
Don't say "potty.
" You're an adult.
Okay, nobody move! Oh, my God, those guys in first class have guns.
Cleveland, just be happy with what you have.
Don't envy people.
No, Peter, we're being hijacked.
Close the cockpit door! (Eastern European accent): This plane now belongs to us.
You move, you're dead.
So nobody try to get smart.
Mm, page 100.
Control tower, this is flight 364.
We have a hijacking in progress.
- Our flight has been - (static) Oh, damn it, they jammed the transmission.
I'm gonna have to go to the backup communication system.
Hello? Can you hear me? This is Flight 364.
We're being hijacked.
I can hear you Oh! This is your last chance.
Open the door, or your copilot gets it.
I'm landing at the closest airfield, which is less than an hour away.
So just let him go, 'cause you're not getting control of this plane.
(grunts) QUAGMIRE: Aah! Jimmy! Oh, my God! Why are you doing this? America needs to be punished for supporting the other side of my country's civil war.
Which country? Do you really want to know, or are you just asking because we're gonna be on a plane for a while and you think you should make small talk? The second thing.
Open the door, or I'll start - executing passengers.
- (screaming) Man, coming on this trip was a terrible idea.
I know, now I wish I'd just stayed home and finished my remake of Inside Out.
I'm Joy.
I'm Sadness.
I'm Anger.
I'm Disgust.
I'm Poo.
(stomach growling) Ooh, I need to use the bathroom.
PETER (muffled): Yay! I win! We interrupt this program with a special report.
A flight from San Francisco to Quahog has lost contact with air traffic control.
Oh, my God, that's your father's flight.
Government officials are monitoring the situation closely.
I'll be here to update you as this story progresses.
Coming up on the midday news, a couple in their 30s gets married without their dog being in the wedding.
You're not gonna believe their story.
What's it gonna be? Are you going to open this door, or am I going to start killing people? QUAGMIRE: I'm not opening it.
Excuse me, I'd just like to ask the mom behind me who told me to stop watching Game of Thrones on my laptop if I'm still "the worst person on this plane.
" You, fat guy.
Get up here! Aah! (grunts) Last chance.
Open the door, or this idiot gets it.
Don't open it, Quagmire.
It's not worth it.
Wait wait, what? That-that was quick.
I'm sorry, Peter, but I have to think about the whole plane.
There's over 150 passengers back there, several of whom are in our Commander's Club, and to them I'd like to issue a special welcome.
Oh, man, we got to help Peter! Those crazy European guys are gonna kill him! You know, I have a gun in the bag I checked.
If we can get to the galley, we can take the elevator down to the cargo hold.
Good idea, Joe.
Oh, man, it feels like we're in one of those hijacking movies.
You're right, it does.
There's even an impatient businessman who really wants to reach his destination so he can conduct more business.
Can't you see how important I am? My shirt is blue, but the collar is white.
It's the same shirt! Quick, he's distracted.
(quietly): "Get off my plane.
" "Get off my plane.
" - What's that, now? - Hmm? Nothing.
"Always bet on black.
" "Always bet on black.
" - Did you say something? - I don't think so.
- "Double trouble!" - "Double trouble!" That's it.
We found it.
What the hell?! Hey! Two of the passengers are missing! Okay, you guys watch the main cabin.
I'll go find them.
I'll take this fat guy as a human shield.
Oh, nice.
Last guy picked for dodgeball, first guy for human shield.
- (indistinct chatter) - Everybody be quiet! There's another update! Good afternoon.
I'm Tom Tucker.
The search for a missing airliner continues, as speculation grows that the plane has been hijacked.
Oh, this is all so awful! What will our lives be like if our husbands don't make it? LOIS: Thank you for being a friend Travel down the road and back again Your heart is true You're a pal and a confidant Thank you for being a friend (song ends) Oh, my God! Now I want Dad to die! Hey, Joe, look at me.
Do I look like Mickey the Mouse? Get out of people's stuff! Ah, here's my bag.
(elevator whirring) Hey! What are you two doing down here? Oh, someone's shipping live lobsters.
Prepare to die.
You first! That's what you think.
(beeping) Peter! Grab on to something! Uh-oh.
I grabbed my own belt.
(shouting) (grunting) (choking) (grunting) (shouts) (shouts) QUAGMIRE: Attention, passengers, I know we're being hijacked, but I would be remiss if I didn't point out that we're presently passing over Yosemite National Park.
Wow! That is truly awe-inspiring! It certainly is.
And you know what you don't see from up here? Borders.
(screaming) Die in hell, Eurotrash! Hang on, Peter! Holy crap, that was close.
Joe, how'd you know that lever would open the landing gear? Wheels are my expertise, Peter.
I notice every wheel in a room as soon as I enter.
Special delivery from the U.
of A.
! (click) Aw, rats.
My bullets are in my shaving kit.
(screaming) (grunting) Get off my pl Double trouble! Sorry.
Come on, man! (cheering and applause) Oh, my God, you guys did it! We're saved! Yep, we wrapped this up quicker than the treaty signing at Appomattox.
So, if I sign this, the war is over, we surrender, and we still get to be dicks forever? (chuckling): Okay, you win.
You can all relax now, everybody! We're ten minutes away from landing at an airfield in Nevada.
Looks like you'll make that business meeting after all.
Great! Thanks for keeping us in the sky, boys.
(Eastern European accent): Now reach for it.
You're one of the hijackers, too?! Yes.
I was in reserve in case the plan went awry.
And now I can finally get into the cockpit and execute our plan: crashing this plane into the ultimate symbol of American materialism, Las Vegas.
You know, I've lost a ton in Vegas, but I never thought I'd lose my life there.
- Did you just think of that? - Yeah, just now.
You know, you are seriously funny, man.
I know I crap on you a lot, but sometimes, when I'm driving, I think about stuff you say and I laugh.
- Thank you, Peter.
- No, thank you.
Very good.
We are less than 20 minutes from Las Vegas.
Get ready to say good-bye to your precious Rita Rudner.
Is-is your plan just to kill Rita Rudner? No.
We're going to crash into the biggest hotel on the Strip! Killing Rita Rudner will just be the custard on the dumpling.
You know, we never quite nailed down what region you guys are from.
(news theme playing) Good afternoon.
I'm Tom Tucker with the latest on the hijacking crisis.
As you can see, I've taken off my blazer to show the severity of the situation.
We understand the plane has been found by satellite.
It's apparently veered off its flight plan and is headed for Las Vegas.
The government, fearing the worst, is considering shooting it down.
Now here's an over-the-top news graphic.
- (dramatic music playing) - (screaming) ANNOUNCER: Nightmare over Vegas.
(explosions) - (slot machine music, coins clinking) - Hijack Jackpot.
Oh, look, there's one guy who slept through this whole thing.
Hey, buddy, wake up.
We're all about to die.
What? What are you talking about? Yeah, I thought I should wake you up.
Nobody wants to die in their sleep.
Oh, my God! No! I have a family! There you go.
Only a few more minutes until your country pays for its imperialistic sins.
Us? What about you?! Like-like, how come you Eastern European guys can't be quieter in pornos? I mean, nobody's ever been like, "Yeah, yeah, more guy noises.
" They ask us to do that to cover up the sound of children playing nearby.
Now shut up and get ready to die.
So, uh, you ever been to Vegas before? No.
Well, I think you're gonna flip for it! (shouting) (grunts) Attention, passengers, the plane (groaning, moaning) Oh, come on! Doesn't anybody pay attention to the sign?! That was some quick thinking, Glenn.
And look! Even that plane with all the missiles is impressed.
Missiles? That's a military fighter jet! He's here to shoot us down! - Or "she.
" - What?! They must think the hijackers still control the plane! And our communications are jammed, so we can't even tell them everything's okay! Don't worry, I'll signal to 'em.
Hey! We knocked out all the bad guys! See? We don't need your help! We kicked their asses and we have their guns! I've got a visual on the terrorists.
They've got a hostage in a blue shirt with a white collar.
He must be an important businessman.
COMMANDER: Copy that.
Prepare to engage.
(whirring) Oh, good, he's movin' away.
No, he isn't.
He's g getting in position to fire! He thinks we're gonna crash into the Strip! Everybody in your seats! Frank Caliendo does a 5:00 show? Quagmire, land this plane! We've been hit! Oh, God, this is it! We're gonna die! Like hell we are! We're gonna make it.
We're going too fast! We're gonna crash into that lake! Oh, no, we're not! (screaming) QUAGMIRE: Oh, yeah, right there.
That's good.
And now to discharge the plane's fire retardant.
(whirring) (indistinct radio transmission) Wow, Quagmire, thanks for saving all of our lives.
We're sorry for saying your job was easy.
Yeah, you're the best damn pilot in the world.
He's right.
What you did up there was amazing.
Thanks, guys, that means a lot.
Boy, that was quite a trip, wasn't it? Sure was.
And we learned a lot about blue jeans, - didn't we, guys? - Yes, yes, we did, yeah.
- That's right, Peter.
- Thank you for planning a wonderful day.
(whirring) - Cleveland! - Joe! Peter! Dad, I was really worried, so I pulled a record of your credit card purchases in San Francisco, and I saw some things I think you'd prefer to keep private.
We'll talk later, Chris.
I think we will.
I do believe we will.
Well, let's head home.
I know I, for one, am ready to put all this behind us.
Sounds good.
Oh, yeah, in case we didn't say, this was Spirit Airlines.