Frasier s02e15 Episode Script

You Scratch My Book...

If some guy grabs your parking space, you don't just sit there, say something! Dad, a man with no front teeth and stitches on his nose can't take criticism.
- What's this? - One of Daphne's inspirational tapes.
Oh, my God! "Here, Have a Rainbow", by Dr Honey Snow.
How can you listen to this drivel? It's awfully popular drivel.
She tells everyone they're wonderful and nothing's their fault.
What do you know? They like it.
You should read one of her books.
I have.
After a page, I yearned for the worldly cynicism of Barney the Dinosaur.
Niles, to what do we owe this pleasure? - Brace yourself.
It's raffle time! - Not again! Yes.
Ye gods, who's been plumbing the shallows of Dr Honey Snow? - I have.
- Insightful, isn't she? Tickets are only ten dollars and support Maris' little opera group.
- What's the grand prize? - Their lead soprano, Mrs Fitzgibbons, will come and perform "The Ride of the Valkyries".
We've sold 800 tickets so the risk is pretty minimal.
All right.
In return, a stock tip: Vectorcomp Software.
Wendell says they can't miss.
- Who's Wendell? - My broker.
Every stock he puts me on to pays off.
He's clairvoyant.
I've got a bit tucked away.
Maybe I should take a chance with Wendell.
- It's not a sure thing.
- Nothing in life is a sure thing.
Dr Snow has a little saying: "Nothing ventured, nothing gained.
" She'd better copyright that before some hack steals it.
I'll go in for 500.
That's a lot for me, but I have a feeling I'm in for some luck.
I'd better get ready.
I'm off to the Book Nook.
Dr Snow's signing copies of her book.
What about my whirlpool therapy? Oh, right, I forgot.
Would you go there for me, Dr Crane? It's around the corner from the station.
I would sooner attend a hoedown.
I have my compulsive spending seminar and I hope to sell these tickets.
- What's the big deal? - My reputation! What's the big deal? OK.
If it makes you happy to see me humiliate myself.
I always get a kick out of it.
Thanks ever so.
Look, everyone.
Eddie has found his "inner puppy"! - This will just take a minute.
- I hope so.
I've barely got an hour.
Oh, God, not another Honey Snow book.
"Don't Change, You're Perfect.
" People go for this junk? It's unbelievable.
Get her autograph for me? Over there.
Get it signed then we'll have lunch at Le Cigare Volant.
- Me? Why don't you do it? - My reputation! What's the big deal? All right.
It's wonderful, isn't it? I just love what she says about finding a moment each day to stop and give yourself a mental hug.
I'm giving myself one now.
Really? Actually, it's more of a Heimlich manoeuvre.
- Got it.
- Good.
Let's buy it and go! Not so fast.
She wants to meet you.
I don't want to meet the woman! Do you know what she looks like? I don't care.
The woman stands for everything I find totally enchanting.
Hello, I'm Dr Honey Snow.
And I'm Wait, don't tell me Dr Frasier Crane! Dr Crane, let me shake your hand.
Oh, what am I saying - hug! Why not? After all, a handshake is just a hug for fraidy-cats.
No fear here.
- I am one of your biggest fans.
- I've recently become one of yours.
I think the advice you give is so brilliant, yet so simple.
What about those mental hugs of yours? It can't get much simpler than that.
I'll go get started on my appetiser.
Yes, all I want is a little nibble.
Tell me! I should go, but I'd love to talk more.
There seems to be such a positive energy between us.
My publisher's giving me a dinner tonight.
Would you come as my guest? - I'd love to.
- That's great.
- Nice meeting you, Dr Snow.
- Please, it's Honey.
It certainly is.
- Good evening, Dr Crane.
- Good evening, Daphne, Dad.
- Oh, which horse did you wager on? - Joe's Dream, number eight.
Goodness.
He's taking a serene, almost Buddhist approach to the race.
You should invest in something more reliable, like Vectorcomp Software.
- Our stock! Did it go up a bit? - No.
It went up a lot.
It gained 40% overnight.
Wendell advised selling, so, voilà, your original 500 plus 200 profit.
- That's a nice little dividend.
- I'll say.
What shall I do with it? You could let Wendell reinvest it, like I am.
It's called rolling it over.
Then I'll do it.
This is so exciting.
What's all this? Your brother just gave me $200, and now he's going to roll me over.
- Niles? - Communications breakdown.
Good.
- Why are you dressed up? Hot date? - Yes.
- With whom? - Dr Honey Snow.
Did it occur to you I might not want Niles to know? Sure it did.
Right before I said it.
You're dating Dr Honey Snow? You consider her a ninny.
What could you possibly see in this Ho ho, Mama! One hell of a cute shrink! No man wouldn't let her analyse his dreams.
Analyse them? She could star in them.
But what do you say when she wants to discuss her work? I just simply skirt the issue.
"Honey, your books are Oh, look, the waiter's on fire.
" You're jealous.
But not half as jealous as you're about to be.
Get a coaster for your lower lip.
- Hi, honey.
- Hi, Honey.
Let me introduce you.
Daphne Moon, Honey Snow.
Honey Snow, Daphne Moon.
She's a big fan.
- Hug.
- Hug.
We both have sort of unusual names: Daphne Moon, Honey Snow.
If you married my father, your name would be Honey Moon! My father, Martin Crane.
Hello.
I see where Frasier gets his good looks.
Aw, get out of here! - Last but not least, my brother, Niles.
- Oh, Dr Niles Crane.
I read a wonderful article you wrote: "Gestalt Therapy - Probing the Subconscious".
Yes! And I believe I read your quiz in Cosmo: "Is your guy a stud or a dud?" - Perhaps we should go.
- Not yet.
I want to give you this.
It's a manuscript of my next book.
Another one? So soon? I hope you like it because I'd love for you to write the foreword.
- Me? - Who better? Actually, there's so many other people more qualified to write for such an important work.
I almost think you don't want to do it.
Oh, no, it's a great honour.
I'll say.
The last book had an introduction by Mickey Rooney.
Then I'm writing that foreword! That's great! By next fall there'll be 500,000 copies with your name on the cover.
I've got my Christmas shopping done.
- Stop giggling.
It's distracting.
- Have you read this? I'm trying to recommend the book.
Reading it doesn't help.
OK, here.
How's this? "Many great volumes have been written about human behaviour, "and I can honestly say, without fear of contradiction, "that this book can stand on the shelf next to any of them.
" - No good, is it? - No, but this is.
"You don't have to be a star to twinkle.
" Frasier, I need a hug.
Niles, will you please help me? Honey asked me to write this and she's got a deadline.
"Time is a concept known only to man.
"Just for today, be a sunflower.
" Give me that! You don't know what's at stake.
I've never felt this way about a woman.
I'm out of control.
Her effect on me is There's no words to describe it.
It's more like a sound.
Talking about Honey again? Yes.
It's laughable to put your name on 500,000 copies of this piffle.
Not even piffle.
It's piffle-lite.
Lay off your brother.
Some women make guys do stupid things.
When I was on traffic duty there was a redhead who got away with anything.
She could be doing 90, a school crossing guard on her hood, she'd flash that pouty smile and I'd ignore my partner, wag my finger at her and send her on her way.
Yes, it's the old "good cop, horny cop" routine.
Good, you're all here.
I want to show off my new coat.
- Very nice.
- I've spent like a drunken yuppie.
I went a bit over my budget.
If you're concerned about cash flow, Wendell called today.
Again? Four times in two weeks? The man's a wizard.
Daphne, your profit.
$400! Dr Crane! And here's one for Wendell.
Did I mention Wendell has a secretary? This calls for a celebration.
I'll take you all out for a nice dinner.
I'll just put on my new dress.
Put on your new shirt and corduroy slacks.
If you're buying I'm gonna wear elastic-waist pants and no belt.
Well, Niles, that broker of yours, he's a marvel.
Yes, he's doing wonderful things for me.
I'd say so.
I've been so impressed that I asked Daphne about it and invested a few hundred.
Really? Well, congratulations.
Thank you but there's one thing that's hard to figure out.
Although I invested in the very same stock that Daphne did, mine declined and hers went up.
- How do you explain that? - Obviously one of us is lying.
What are you up to? This whole stock thing was a lie from the start.
No, first it paid off, but then it tanked.
What was I supposed to do? Tell that working-class Venus I'd lost her life savings? I paid her back with a bit extra.
Where's the harm in that? Paying a woman for physical affection is the oldest profession.
Granted, it's the Walt Disney version.
But it's wrong.
I insist you stop it.
No, it's altruistic, noble and fun and you can't make me stop.
Dr Crane, take this $400 back and buy whatever Wendell says.
Consider it done.
I should get on that gravy train myself.
I'm in for 10,000.
Good lord.
$10,000, Dr Crane? Think of the dinner I'll be able to buy when Niles brings me my profits.
Hell, put me down for 200! This guy's some kind of genie.
He's a real treasure, isn't he? I only hope those chest pains he complained about are indigestion.
Shall we go? I've decided on Farmer Jack's Chicken, Chicken, Chicken.
I hear the chicken there is very good.
- Are you coming? - You run along.
I'll take my car.
Well, I hope you're happy! Snap out of it! You're dishonest.
- Said the pot to the kettle.
- What? - You know what it means.
- Don't be ridiculous.
- Our situations are different.
- How so? - You're selfishly misleading a woman.
- So are you! - She also trusts you.
- And the difference is? Your woman is English.
- Frasier, you've lost this one.
- I know.
It'll just take a little while to climb down off this particular high horse.
- I think you know what you have to do.
- Yes.
I have to tell her I can't write the foreword.
And I have to say goodbye to the chance of ever sleeping with absolute perfection.
Where, oh where will I have the chance again to gaze upon such extraordinarily proud and supple breasts? Not to worry, brother.
That's the special at Farmer Jack's Chicken, Chicken, Chicken.
- Thanks for the wonderful dinner.
- Thank you for the fabulous table.
Hugging the maître d' really clinched it.
- Would you care for a nightcap? - Sure.
You seemed tense all evening, but I have just the thing.
It's a sandalwood candle.
The scent is guaranteed to calm you down.
You better fire up about ten of those.
I'd really like to talk to you about that foreword I've been trying to write.
Can we not talk about work? All day I've been researching an article on sexual intimacy.
I'm up to here with "The Joy of Sex" "Kamasutra", Masters and Johnson Really? I feel like I've been reading recipes all day, only there are no groceries in the house.
Well, your bagboy has arrived.
I really need to discuss this now.
You're such a workaholic.
I only hope you're this tireless about everything.
Oh, you won't have any complaints.
I've got to focus on the subject at hand.
Frasier, tonight, I am the subject at hand.
No, no, Honey, I can't do it! That's all right.
I have a candle for that, too.
No, I can't write the foreword.
Why not? Well, I I didn't think it was a very good book.
I think the world of you and wish you success but the book isn't good enough to put my name on it.
I guess I'll be going now.
I am so attracted to you right now.
Most men will say anything to a woman to have sex.
How great to meet a man who would risk rejection rather than be dishonest.
Well, I have to be true to my inner voice.
I thought the book was weak myself.
I rushed it to meet a deadline.
I'm so glad you respected me enough to be honest.
I think honesty is the greatest aphrodisiac of all.
I hope you feel you can be as honest with me.
I do.
Tell me everything.
I don't want us to hide anything.
Your chapter titles were clumsy and jejune.
Your turn.
You use too much French in everyday conversation.
I think that sandalwood stinks.
When you talk about wine, I wish I had a gun.
I thought your first three books were trite and saccharine.
It's your turn, Honey.
Honey? I'm immensely proud of my first three books.
As well you should be.
- You thought they were trite.
- I meant trite in its best sense.
As in the phrase, "trite and true".
- What about saccharine? - I love it.
Use it every day.
I'm glad you like saccharine, darling.
Because there's no way you're getting any Honey.
Good night, Frasier.
Honey, I I'm sorry.
I really am.
Couldn't we try one of your forgiveness exercises? - Good night, Frasier.
- Hug? A poet once said something about the world that applies to us: "It ends not with a bang, but with a whimper.
"