Frasier s07e03 Episode Script
Radio Wars
(phone ringing) (Frasier mumbles) Hello? MAN: Dr.
Crane? Yes.
Who's this? Dr.
Kaufman.
Bob Kaufman of the National Psychotherapy Institute.
Oh, my gosh, it's 6:15 in the morning your time.
I hope I didn't wake you.
No, no, no, I was up.
Uh Where did you say you're calling from? The National Psychotherapy Institute in Saddle River, New Jersey? Oh, yes, of course.
Uh what can I do for you? Oh, for Pete's sake, no one called you? You've won our Radio Therapist of the Year Award.
Congratulations.
Well, thank you.
Uh of course, the work itself is honor enough.
Thank you, and I'm sorry about the mix-up.
Problem is, we're going to need some pictures of you so we can get started on the statue.
"Statue"? For our Hall of Thinkers? Angie, he never got the packet.
Uh, is there anything I can do? Well, it's a little late now but, uh, maybe if you described your body we could get started on the preliminary carving.
The sculptor's right here.
Fortunately, we got theGustav Brumholt.
Oh, my.
(German accent): Ja, ja,Dr.
Crane, please,ja? Yes, yes, this is Dr.
Crane speaking.
Uh, Herr Brumholt, may I say it's, uh, quite an honor.
Ja, ja, ja.
Uh, we have your face-- very handsome-- but I need you to describe your body.
Yes, of course.
Uh, six foot one um medium build broad shoulders sublimely proportioned.
That's good,ja, but before I order my marble I need you to describe your, um-- how do I say this,ja,hmm-- your where you sit,ja? Oh, my posterior.
Yes, well, that is a little sensitive, isn't it? Oh, you don't want to tell me? I understand.
It's a big one? No, no, no, no, I didn't say that.
Angie, order the big marble, please,ja.
No, no, no, um, could you please put Dr.
Kaufman back on? No, I have better idea.
Why don't you send us a picture (losing accent): of yourimmensehind quarters and send it in to KACL's new morning team BOTH: Carlos and The Chicken! (clucking) Dr.
Kaufman? Angie? Morning.
Good morning, Dr.
Crane.
You won't believe what just happened to me.
I was the victim of a radio prank.
Oh, that's terrible.
Yes.
It's a sad day when getting a man to describe his own behind passes as humor.
(laughing) You heard the whole thing, didn't you? Ja.
Oh I'm sorry, Dr.
Crane, but they can be funny.
Oh, that's all right, Daphne.
Carlos and The Chicken are the sort of performers who keep popping up on the radio these days-- so-called "humorists" who rely on cruel pranks and scatological references.
Well, I suppose that's the sort of thing that passes for entertainment these days.
You know, perhaps it's just a generational thing.
Man, they got you good! The Chicken was on fire! What a great bit.
Yeah, I think it'll be bit of the day.
For God sakes, I'm going back to bed.
Oh, hey, hey, Fras, wait a minute.
Uh, do you think you can get me a tape of the show? What on earth for? How often do you get to hear your son on the radio? I'm on the radio every day! Thank you very much.
Hello, Roz.
I suppose you've heard about my unscheduled appearance on KACL's new morning show today? No.
What happened? Well, less said about it, the better.
Come on, Frasier, why don't you pull up a couple of chairs and tell me about it? Was everyone in Seattle listening at 6:00 in the morning? Did they do it at 6:00? I heard the replay at 8:00.
I heard it at 9:15.
Congratulations, you were bit of the day.
Oh, Lord.
I thought the entire thing was rude and childish.
Well, you're just mad because you fell for it.
Come on, Frasier-- "Hall of Thinkers"? Well it's not such abadidea.
In a society where we glorify our athletes and rock musicians, I think maybe we should Well, it was early.
Sorry.
Oh, hey, look, that's them over there with Kenny.
Wow, The Chicken's a lot cuter than on his billboards.
Of course, he's not squatting in a feather suit trying to hatch Carlos's head.
You know, I think I might just go over there and introduce myself.
I don't know what you're thinking, but don't.
I'm going to go over there and let them know that what they did today was completely unacceptable.
Frasier, I know guys like this.
Once they know they can rattle you, they never stop.
Just take your lumps and laugh it off.
Roz, I'm perfectly capable of laughing it off.
I just want to let them know that I do not appreciate being made the punch line at my own station.
I'm going to go over and tell them that from now on, I don't want to be part of their shenanigans.
Oh, God,pleasedon't say "shenanigans.
" Hello, Kenny.
Oh.
I believe introductions are in order.
Oh, uh, right, uh, Dr.
Frasier Crane, this is The Chicken and Carlos.
Uh, uh What? We're actually called Carlos and The Chicken.
Yes, well, nice to meet you, boys.
Uh, about this morning KENNY:: Whoa, whoa, whoa.
I don't want to see any feathers flying, here.
(laughing) Just kidding.
Dr.
Crane, I hope we didn't go too far.
Weloveyour show.
Really? You're listeners? Oh, yeah, yeah, we're big fans.
You know, the last thing we want to do is step on your toes.
Well, you know, you do tread a fine line with your style of comedy, but, uh, perhaps you can be excused for stomping on it rather exuberantly on your first day.
Just keep in mind in the future that this station does have a certain pecking order.
(laughing) Wetotallyget it, Dr.
Crane.
I-it felt wrong when we did it.
Oh, well CHICKEN: It sure did.
You sure you're not upset or anything? Oh, no, no, no.
No harm, nofowl.
(all laughing) Hey, it was great meeting you, Dr.
Crane.
Likewise, boys.
Hey, listen, call me Frasier, but don't call me at home.
Dr.
Crane, we're listening.
(laughing) Well Is it over? I couldn't look.
For God's sake, Roz, have a little faith in me.
After all, I do reason with people for a living.
It's all settled.
You know, they're they're good kids, really.
(chuckles) Quite sensible, actually.
Yeah if you go for oversexed, beer-belching, frat-boy types, which I do.
Was The Chicken wearing a wedding ring? You know, I really did overreact this morning, I think.
After all, it was sort of cute, I suppose.
(chuckling) "Hall of Thinkers.
" (laughing) Never let it be said that Frasier Crane is the kind of man who's incapable of laughing at himself.
These are for you.
Oh.
(laughing): Yes, I see.
Some patron has sent me some sticky buns.
(laughing) That's very funny.
Very funny, indeed, yes.
You ordered those, sir.
Oh, so I did.
Thank you.
(doorbell rings) No kidding? He's flying you to Vegas for the fight? That's a great son you got there, Duke.
Good morning, Dr.
Crane.
Hello, Daphne Dad.
Frasier, I thought you might like to join me.
I'm going down to Abigail's to have my crepe pans reseasoned.
Gosh, I'd love to, Niles, but I've just drawn myself a nice herbal bath.
Uh, no, no, it's just Daphne.
She's watching PBS.
Okay, I'll talk to you later, Duke.
Does the whole world have to know what goes on in this house? Help yourself to some coffee, Niles.
Thank you.
Dr.
Crane, how do you know it's time to have your crepe pans seasoned, anyway? It can be confusing, but this may help.
"Saucepans in summer, crepe pans in fall, when winter's upon us, there's food for us all.
" (phone ringing) Whoever it is, I am not home.
I am not here.
Hello? Yeah, is Dr.
Crane there? Uh, no, actually, he's taking a bath.
Who's this? This is his brother, Niles.
Oh, okay, well, see, this is the building superintendent.
I'm in the bathroom just below his, and I think the pipes are getting corroded.
Is your brother putting anything unusual in his bath? I'm not exactly sure what he puts in his bath.
Uh, better let me ask him.
I smell a bit.
Put the radio on.
I'm in the mood for love Frasier Simply because you're near me Frasier What do you put in your bathwater? You know very well it's a proprietary blend, Niles.
No, no, no, it's your super.
There's something corroding the pipes in the unit below you.
He thinks it may be something in your tub.
Hello? Yes, I'm sure it's, uh, not my fault, but if you insist I use, uh (door closes) jasmine, lavender, rose hips anda little Tahitian vanilla.
Yeah, well, that sounds okay.
Boy, with a bath like that, I bet the ladies sure go for you, though, huh? (chuckling): Yes, well love does enter through the nose.
Hey, you know, the neighbors down here have been complaining about a little sound bleed-through.
I think we got a bad tile.
I sure would like to check it.
I heard you singing through the phone earlier.
You think you could, I don't know, do it again? Uh, all right.
Um I'm in the mood for love Simply because you're near me Yeah, that's great.
I definitely heard some bleed-through.
You know, I could isolate the tile if you could just walk around a little bit while you sang.
Or maybe if you could stomp around, that'd be great.
"Stomp around"? If it's too much trouble, I could send my assistant, Jimmy, up to stomp around.
Oh, well, no, no, no, no, please, that's just fine.
You leave Jimmy right where he is.
I certainly don't need an audience while I'm singing in the bathtub.
Yeah, well, I appreciate this.
We'll get this all cleared up in a jiffy, okay? Thanks a lot, Dr.
Crane.
Just, uh, give me a second.
I'll tell you when I'm ready.
All right.
I'm ready.
Here goes.
I'm in the mood for love Simply because you're near me Funny but (over radio): When you're near me I'm in the mood For love Oh, my God! The whole ceiling's falling down! Oh, good Lord! Oh, good Lord! Niles, Niles, be careful.
The whole ceiling's caving in.
Hey, listen, I think we found out what the problem is.
It's thathumongousass of yours! Listeners, Carlos and The Chicken are offering $1,000 for the best picture of Frasier Crane's humongous ass for our Web site.
Frasier Crane's humongous ass contest (music playing over phone) Frasier Crane's humongous ass contest Oh, dear God! Now, now, don't worry.
It won't get you down for long.
You've always had a thick skin unless that Tahitian vanilla softened you up a bit.
Get out! Leave me alone! For God's sake, have some respect! Was that Mrs.
Kurtzman? She dropped her medication in the hallway.
As I stooped to pick it up, out came her camera like an assassin's blade.
Well, if she wants to control those blood clots she'll cough up that film.
You're really getting riled up.
I certainly am.
Well, come on.
They're just pranks, you know? Back on the force, we used to do stuff like this all the time.
We'd fill a guy's hat with shaving cream or nail his shoes to the floor.
Sometimes we'd get a guy dead drunk and then leave him in a drawer in the morgue.
(doorbell rings) You know, Dad, I might have been able to laugh it off if all of Seattle hadn't started stalking me with cameras.
Quickly, Niles, inside! Come on! Why didn't you hold the elevator? Didn't you hear me shouting? That was you? I'm sorry, Niles.
I was afraid you were trying to get a picture of my butt.
How exciting to be present at the birth of a new phobia.
I'm talking about Carlos and The Chicken.
Oh, yes, their little contest.
I can't believe anyone's taking that seriously.
Well, they won't be for much longer.
I've decided it's time to fight back.
I was up till all hours last night crafting my response to those two idiots.
I believe I have arrived at a masterful rebuttal.
I'm not sure you want to call it your rebuttal.
Oh, I see your Bartlett'sis out.
You're not pulling any punches.
Hardly.
I go in swinging with La Rochefoucauld.
"If we had no faults of our own "we would not take so much pleasure in noticing those of others.
" Ouch! Mm-hmm.
Just as I've got them reeling, I go in with a jab of Dorothy Parker: "Wit has truth in it; wisecracking is merely calisthenics with words.
" Pow! Just as they're bloodied and against the ropes, I go in for the kill with Twain, Wilde, Twain, Twain, Mencken! It's not a fight, it's an execution! You know, Frasier, you go and read that on the air, you're going to set yourself up for a year of abuse.
You know, this kind of thing is probably why those guys started picking on you in the first place.
All right, fine, Dad, what exactly are you saying? That I somehow managed to bring this misery on myself? No, I'm not saying that.
I'm just have you ever wondered why these bullies have always kind of zeroed in on you two? No, we don't wonder why.
We know the reason.
Jealousy.
Jealousy.
Okay, there's a little bit of that, too but, you know, you kind of give people the impression that you're above them.
Pishtosh.
Poppycock.
Morning, Daphne.
Oh, Daphne, tell me, do you think we're snobby, superior and condescending? That's it.
I'm getting me door soundproofed.
MARTIN: You see what I mean? People think you're stuffy, you know, with your opera parties and your wine parties and your seasoned crepe pans.
In my defense, Niles is the only one who has ever seasoned his crepe pans.
Which is precisely why I've had the same set since the ninth grade, thank you very much.
My point is, you guys could never resist putting on airs.
Even when you were in junior high, you used to love that TV program,The Avengers.
Used to run all over the neighborhood pretending you were that guy with the umbrella, Steve.
Steed.
Dad Oh, God.
FRASIER: There were worse role models.
Steed was dapper and witty.
When anyone tried to give him grief, he gave them a sound thrashing with his umbrella.
Great.
That's fine.
Admire him if you want, but did you have to run through the neighborhood in bowler hats? You were just begging to get beat up.
Come to think of it, it was rather a rough summer that year, wasn't it? I remember getting a chin strap so the bowler wouldn't fall off when I ran.
And all that did was make you look like Elizabeth Taylor inNational Velvet.
But, look, my point is, you go down to the station and read that over the air, then you might as well go down there in a great big bowler hat.
Those people are never going to let you forget it.
It's funny hearing you talk about The Avengers.
My first Halloween in America, I went to a party dressed as Mrs.
Peel.
Head to toe in that skintight black leather cat suit.
Come to think of it, I still have it somewhere and Halloween's coming up.
Cat suit.
Better not let this guy hear you talk about that or he'll go nuts.
I would not be surprised if he did.
(chuckles) (phone rings) FRASIER: Excuse me.
Hello.
All right, Roz, yes.
Just calm down.
No, no, I'm not listening.
Hang on a second.
FRASIER (on radio): Roz (erotic moaning) Oh, dear God.
CARLOS: I think we're going to have to throw a bucket of water on these two.
CHICKEN: Roz and Frasier stop by for a quick hello.
Next thing you know, they're getting it on right in the booth! FRASIER: Roz! ROZ: Frasier.
Roz.
Frasier.
Do we have time to squeeze in one more? Plenty of time, Frasier.
Two more minutes.
For a man carrying around a good 50 extra pounds of ass, Frasier Crane has got unbelievable stamina.
Frasier, where do you get your energy? FRASIER: Lavender, rose hips, and a little Tahitian vanilla.
CARLOS: Oh, my God! They're changing positions.
I've never seen that one before.
FRASIER: Love does enter through the nose.
(erotic moaning continues) FRASIER: I'll call you back, Roz.
I'm going down there.
MARTIN: Frasier! Dad, don't try to talk me out of this.
I'm going to teach those two a lesson they'll not soon forget.
Where's my umbrella? Oh, no, not that again! Not the umbrella! I'm begging you! It's raining! No! No! Stop! Roz, what are you doing here? I'm getting revenge, that's what.
These guys are going down! Stop it.
Stop it, Roz.
Did you hear the disgusting, vile things they said about me? Just the part about us having sex.
Exactly! Not only that.
They've got a photo contest about me now, too.
Roz, a thousand dollars for a shot of your behind? I'm sorry, Roz.
No, it's 50 bucks and a six pack.
And there were seven winners before I even left the house! I'm sorry.
Frasier, what should we do? Could we slash their tires? Could we crack their windshields? I was thinking of a more direct approach.
Oh, I'm down with that, too.
Next commercial, I'll get The Chicken, you take the big guy.
No, no, no, that's not it and you know it, Roz! I knew you'd say that.
Fine.
I'll take the big guy! No, no, Roz, stop it! Listen to yourself! You're lusting for blood like a barbarian! I have a more civilized approach in mind.
I have composed a speech.
A speech? Yes.
Unless you plan to roll it up and cram it down their throats, what good is that going to do? You just watch and see.
No, Frasier.
They're never going to stop making fun of you.
Roz, I don't care.
I've just figured out something.
Maybe you can't stop bullies from attacking you, but the only way they win is if they change who you are, and I'll tell you something.
Let them do their worst.
They will not knock the bowler off this head! What does that mean?! Holy cow! Look who just walked into the booth, Frasier Crane, the automatic sex pilot.
What's up, love doctor? Oh, I think you two know what's up.
There's only so much I can take.
Only so much anyone can take from a juvenile comic and his straight man! I believe it was La Rochefoucauld I'll take my straight man over your sex-starved producer any day, my friend.
Okay, buddy! Roz, let me handle this! Hey, hey, wait a second.
I'm not your straight man.
If anything, I'm the funny one.
Let's not start this again, okay? You're the one who started it on the air.
It was La Rochefoucauld who first said You always do this.
Hey, Carlos, the therapist said not to use the word "always.
" I just wish that you could say that I'm as funny as you are.
I wish I could say that, too, but who does all the funny voices? La Rochefoucauld once said If I'm so unfunny, how come I get offered solo gigs? Oh, well, now I'm laughing! Ha-ha! Don't believe me? Ask our agent.
You talked to Zachary behind my back? Gentlemen, if I could get a word in here I tell you what, man.
You think you can go out on your own, go ahead, be my guest.
Great! 'Cause I don't need you, and I don't need "Carlos and The Chicken"! CHICKEN: Oh, really? Well, best of luck, funny boy.
Same to you, Dwayne! Hey, man, that is not cool.
Chicken, I believe it was La Rochefoucauld, the great French thinker Would you give it a rest, double-wide.
I went to grad school, too.
And P.
S.
: It's pronounced La Rochefoucauld.
That's it! Nobody corrects my French pronunciation! Chicken! Oh, my God, did you have to be so vicious? Me? Oh, we got dead air.
Just take over.
Right.
Right.
Hello, Seattle.
This is Dr.
Frasier Crane.
I'll be filling in for the last hour ofThe Morning Zoo with my own particular brand of zany antics.
Well, let's see.
Um ah, you know, there was a fabulous cartoon in the recentNew Yorker.
Let me see if I can describe it for you.
Hey, baby, I hear the blues a'callin' Tossed salads and scrambled eggs Mercy And maybe I seem a bit confused Yeah, maybe, but I got you pegged (laughing) But I don't know what to do With those tossed salads and scrambled eggs They're callin' again.
Scrambled eggs all over my face.
What is a boy to do? Good night!
Crane? Yes.
Who's this? Dr.
Kaufman.
Bob Kaufman of the National Psychotherapy Institute.
Oh, my gosh, it's 6:15 in the morning your time.
I hope I didn't wake you.
No, no, no, I was up.
Uh Where did you say you're calling from? The National Psychotherapy Institute in Saddle River, New Jersey? Oh, yes, of course.
Uh what can I do for you? Oh, for Pete's sake, no one called you? You've won our Radio Therapist of the Year Award.
Congratulations.
Well, thank you.
Uh of course, the work itself is honor enough.
Thank you, and I'm sorry about the mix-up.
Problem is, we're going to need some pictures of you so we can get started on the statue.
"Statue"? For our Hall of Thinkers? Angie, he never got the packet.
Uh, is there anything I can do? Well, it's a little late now but, uh, maybe if you described your body we could get started on the preliminary carving.
The sculptor's right here.
Fortunately, we got theGustav Brumholt.
Oh, my.
(German accent): Ja, ja,Dr.
Crane, please,ja? Yes, yes, this is Dr.
Crane speaking.
Uh, Herr Brumholt, may I say it's, uh, quite an honor.
Ja, ja, ja.
Uh, we have your face-- very handsome-- but I need you to describe your body.
Yes, of course.
Uh, six foot one um medium build broad shoulders sublimely proportioned.
That's good,ja, but before I order my marble I need you to describe your, um-- how do I say this,ja,hmm-- your where you sit,ja? Oh, my posterior.
Yes, well, that is a little sensitive, isn't it? Oh, you don't want to tell me? I understand.
It's a big one? No, no, no, no, I didn't say that.
Angie, order the big marble, please,ja.
No, no, no, um, could you please put Dr.
Kaufman back on? No, I have better idea.
Why don't you send us a picture (losing accent): of yourimmensehind quarters and send it in to KACL's new morning team BOTH: Carlos and The Chicken! (clucking) Dr.
Kaufman? Angie? Morning.
Good morning, Dr.
Crane.
You won't believe what just happened to me.
I was the victim of a radio prank.
Oh, that's terrible.
Yes.
It's a sad day when getting a man to describe his own behind passes as humor.
(laughing) You heard the whole thing, didn't you? Ja.
Oh I'm sorry, Dr.
Crane, but they can be funny.
Oh, that's all right, Daphne.
Carlos and The Chicken are the sort of performers who keep popping up on the radio these days-- so-called "humorists" who rely on cruel pranks and scatological references.
Well, I suppose that's the sort of thing that passes for entertainment these days.
You know, perhaps it's just a generational thing.
Man, they got you good! The Chicken was on fire! What a great bit.
Yeah, I think it'll be bit of the day.
For God sakes, I'm going back to bed.
Oh, hey, hey, Fras, wait a minute.
Uh, do you think you can get me a tape of the show? What on earth for? How often do you get to hear your son on the radio? I'm on the radio every day! Thank you very much.
Hello, Roz.
I suppose you've heard about my unscheduled appearance on KACL's new morning show today? No.
What happened? Well, less said about it, the better.
Come on, Frasier, why don't you pull up a couple of chairs and tell me about it? Was everyone in Seattle listening at 6:00 in the morning? Did they do it at 6:00? I heard the replay at 8:00.
I heard it at 9:15.
Congratulations, you were bit of the day.
Oh, Lord.
I thought the entire thing was rude and childish.
Well, you're just mad because you fell for it.
Come on, Frasier-- "Hall of Thinkers"? Well it's not such abadidea.
In a society where we glorify our athletes and rock musicians, I think maybe we should Well, it was early.
Sorry.
Oh, hey, look, that's them over there with Kenny.
Wow, The Chicken's a lot cuter than on his billboards.
Of course, he's not squatting in a feather suit trying to hatch Carlos's head.
You know, I think I might just go over there and introduce myself.
I don't know what you're thinking, but don't.
I'm going to go over there and let them know that what they did today was completely unacceptable.
Frasier, I know guys like this.
Once they know they can rattle you, they never stop.
Just take your lumps and laugh it off.
Roz, I'm perfectly capable of laughing it off.
I just want to let them know that I do not appreciate being made the punch line at my own station.
I'm going to go over and tell them that from now on, I don't want to be part of their shenanigans.
Oh, God,pleasedon't say "shenanigans.
" Hello, Kenny.
Oh.
I believe introductions are in order.
Oh, uh, right, uh, Dr.
Frasier Crane, this is The Chicken and Carlos.
Uh, uh What? We're actually called Carlos and The Chicken.
Yes, well, nice to meet you, boys.
Uh, about this morning KENNY:: Whoa, whoa, whoa.
I don't want to see any feathers flying, here.
(laughing) Just kidding.
Dr.
Crane, I hope we didn't go too far.
Weloveyour show.
Really? You're listeners? Oh, yeah, yeah, we're big fans.
You know, the last thing we want to do is step on your toes.
Well, you know, you do tread a fine line with your style of comedy, but, uh, perhaps you can be excused for stomping on it rather exuberantly on your first day.
Just keep in mind in the future that this station does have a certain pecking order.
(laughing) Wetotallyget it, Dr.
Crane.
I-it felt wrong when we did it.
Oh, well CHICKEN: It sure did.
You sure you're not upset or anything? Oh, no, no, no.
No harm, nofowl.
(all laughing) Hey, it was great meeting you, Dr.
Crane.
Likewise, boys.
Hey, listen, call me Frasier, but don't call me at home.
Dr.
Crane, we're listening.
(laughing) Well Is it over? I couldn't look.
For God's sake, Roz, have a little faith in me.
After all, I do reason with people for a living.
It's all settled.
You know, they're they're good kids, really.
(chuckles) Quite sensible, actually.
Yeah if you go for oversexed, beer-belching, frat-boy types, which I do.
Was The Chicken wearing a wedding ring? You know, I really did overreact this morning, I think.
After all, it was sort of cute, I suppose.
(chuckling) "Hall of Thinkers.
" (laughing) Never let it be said that Frasier Crane is the kind of man who's incapable of laughing at himself.
These are for you.
Oh.
(laughing): Yes, I see.
Some patron has sent me some sticky buns.
(laughing) That's very funny.
Very funny, indeed, yes.
You ordered those, sir.
Oh, so I did.
Thank you.
(doorbell rings) No kidding? He's flying you to Vegas for the fight? That's a great son you got there, Duke.
Good morning, Dr.
Crane.
Hello, Daphne Dad.
Frasier, I thought you might like to join me.
I'm going down to Abigail's to have my crepe pans reseasoned.
Gosh, I'd love to, Niles, but I've just drawn myself a nice herbal bath.
Uh, no, no, it's just Daphne.
She's watching PBS.
Okay, I'll talk to you later, Duke.
Does the whole world have to know what goes on in this house? Help yourself to some coffee, Niles.
Thank you.
Dr.
Crane, how do you know it's time to have your crepe pans seasoned, anyway? It can be confusing, but this may help.
"Saucepans in summer, crepe pans in fall, when winter's upon us, there's food for us all.
" (phone ringing) Whoever it is, I am not home.
I am not here.
Hello? Yeah, is Dr.
Crane there? Uh, no, actually, he's taking a bath.
Who's this? This is his brother, Niles.
Oh, okay, well, see, this is the building superintendent.
I'm in the bathroom just below his, and I think the pipes are getting corroded.
Is your brother putting anything unusual in his bath? I'm not exactly sure what he puts in his bath.
Uh, better let me ask him.
I smell a bit.
Put the radio on.
I'm in the mood for love Frasier Simply because you're near me Frasier What do you put in your bathwater? You know very well it's a proprietary blend, Niles.
No, no, no, it's your super.
There's something corroding the pipes in the unit below you.
He thinks it may be something in your tub.
Hello? Yes, I'm sure it's, uh, not my fault, but if you insist I use, uh (door closes) jasmine, lavender, rose hips anda little Tahitian vanilla.
Yeah, well, that sounds okay.
Boy, with a bath like that, I bet the ladies sure go for you, though, huh? (chuckling): Yes, well love does enter through the nose.
Hey, you know, the neighbors down here have been complaining about a little sound bleed-through.
I think we got a bad tile.
I sure would like to check it.
I heard you singing through the phone earlier.
You think you could, I don't know, do it again? Uh, all right.
Um I'm in the mood for love Simply because you're near me Yeah, that's great.
I definitely heard some bleed-through.
You know, I could isolate the tile if you could just walk around a little bit while you sang.
Or maybe if you could stomp around, that'd be great.
"Stomp around"? If it's too much trouble, I could send my assistant, Jimmy, up to stomp around.
Oh, well, no, no, no, no, please, that's just fine.
You leave Jimmy right where he is.
I certainly don't need an audience while I'm singing in the bathtub.
Yeah, well, I appreciate this.
We'll get this all cleared up in a jiffy, okay? Thanks a lot, Dr.
Crane.
Just, uh, give me a second.
I'll tell you when I'm ready.
All right.
I'm ready.
Here goes.
I'm in the mood for love Simply because you're near me Funny but (over radio): When you're near me I'm in the mood For love Oh, my God! The whole ceiling's falling down! Oh, good Lord! Oh, good Lord! Niles, Niles, be careful.
The whole ceiling's caving in.
Hey, listen, I think we found out what the problem is.
It's thathumongousass of yours! Listeners, Carlos and The Chicken are offering $1,000 for the best picture of Frasier Crane's humongous ass for our Web site.
Frasier Crane's humongous ass contest (music playing over phone) Frasier Crane's humongous ass contest Oh, dear God! Now, now, don't worry.
It won't get you down for long.
You've always had a thick skin unless that Tahitian vanilla softened you up a bit.
Get out! Leave me alone! For God's sake, have some respect! Was that Mrs.
Kurtzman? She dropped her medication in the hallway.
As I stooped to pick it up, out came her camera like an assassin's blade.
Well, if she wants to control those blood clots she'll cough up that film.
You're really getting riled up.
I certainly am.
Well, come on.
They're just pranks, you know? Back on the force, we used to do stuff like this all the time.
We'd fill a guy's hat with shaving cream or nail his shoes to the floor.
Sometimes we'd get a guy dead drunk and then leave him in a drawer in the morgue.
(doorbell rings) You know, Dad, I might have been able to laugh it off if all of Seattle hadn't started stalking me with cameras.
Quickly, Niles, inside! Come on! Why didn't you hold the elevator? Didn't you hear me shouting? That was you? I'm sorry, Niles.
I was afraid you were trying to get a picture of my butt.
How exciting to be present at the birth of a new phobia.
I'm talking about Carlos and The Chicken.
Oh, yes, their little contest.
I can't believe anyone's taking that seriously.
Well, they won't be for much longer.
I've decided it's time to fight back.
I was up till all hours last night crafting my response to those two idiots.
I believe I have arrived at a masterful rebuttal.
I'm not sure you want to call it your rebuttal.
Oh, I see your Bartlett'sis out.
You're not pulling any punches.
Hardly.
I go in swinging with La Rochefoucauld.
"If we had no faults of our own "we would not take so much pleasure in noticing those of others.
" Ouch! Mm-hmm.
Just as I've got them reeling, I go in with a jab of Dorothy Parker: "Wit has truth in it; wisecracking is merely calisthenics with words.
" Pow! Just as they're bloodied and against the ropes, I go in for the kill with Twain, Wilde, Twain, Twain, Mencken! It's not a fight, it's an execution! You know, Frasier, you go and read that on the air, you're going to set yourself up for a year of abuse.
You know, this kind of thing is probably why those guys started picking on you in the first place.
All right, fine, Dad, what exactly are you saying? That I somehow managed to bring this misery on myself? No, I'm not saying that.
I'm just have you ever wondered why these bullies have always kind of zeroed in on you two? No, we don't wonder why.
We know the reason.
Jealousy.
Jealousy.
Okay, there's a little bit of that, too but, you know, you kind of give people the impression that you're above them.
Pishtosh.
Poppycock.
Morning, Daphne.
Oh, Daphne, tell me, do you think we're snobby, superior and condescending? That's it.
I'm getting me door soundproofed.
MARTIN: You see what I mean? People think you're stuffy, you know, with your opera parties and your wine parties and your seasoned crepe pans.
In my defense, Niles is the only one who has ever seasoned his crepe pans.
Which is precisely why I've had the same set since the ninth grade, thank you very much.
My point is, you guys could never resist putting on airs.
Even when you were in junior high, you used to love that TV program,The Avengers.
Used to run all over the neighborhood pretending you were that guy with the umbrella, Steve.
Steed.
Dad Oh, God.
FRASIER: There were worse role models.
Steed was dapper and witty.
When anyone tried to give him grief, he gave them a sound thrashing with his umbrella.
Great.
That's fine.
Admire him if you want, but did you have to run through the neighborhood in bowler hats? You were just begging to get beat up.
Come to think of it, it was rather a rough summer that year, wasn't it? I remember getting a chin strap so the bowler wouldn't fall off when I ran.
And all that did was make you look like Elizabeth Taylor inNational Velvet.
But, look, my point is, you go down to the station and read that over the air, then you might as well go down there in a great big bowler hat.
Those people are never going to let you forget it.
It's funny hearing you talk about The Avengers.
My first Halloween in America, I went to a party dressed as Mrs.
Peel.
Head to toe in that skintight black leather cat suit.
Come to think of it, I still have it somewhere and Halloween's coming up.
Cat suit.
Better not let this guy hear you talk about that or he'll go nuts.
I would not be surprised if he did.
(chuckles) (phone rings) FRASIER: Excuse me.
Hello.
All right, Roz, yes.
Just calm down.
No, no, I'm not listening.
Hang on a second.
FRASIER (on radio): Roz (erotic moaning) Oh, dear God.
CARLOS: I think we're going to have to throw a bucket of water on these two.
CHICKEN: Roz and Frasier stop by for a quick hello.
Next thing you know, they're getting it on right in the booth! FRASIER: Roz! ROZ: Frasier.
Roz.
Frasier.
Do we have time to squeeze in one more? Plenty of time, Frasier.
Two more minutes.
For a man carrying around a good 50 extra pounds of ass, Frasier Crane has got unbelievable stamina.
Frasier, where do you get your energy? FRASIER: Lavender, rose hips, and a little Tahitian vanilla.
CARLOS: Oh, my God! They're changing positions.
I've never seen that one before.
FRASIER: Love does enter through the nose.
(erotic moaning continues) FRASIER: I'll call you back, Roz.
I'm going down there.
MARTIN: Frasier! Dad, don't try to talk me out of this.
I'm going to teach those two a lesson they'll not soon forget.
Where's my umbrella? Oh, no, not that again! Not the umbrella! I'm begging you! It's raining! No! No! Stop! Roz, what are you doing here? I'm getting revenge, that's what.
These guys are going down! Stop it.
Stop it, Roz.
Did you hear the disgusting, vile things they said about me? Just the part about us having sex.
Exactly! Not only that.
They've got a photo contest about me now, too.
Roz, a thousand dollars for a shot of your behind? I'm sorry, Roz.
No, it's 50 bucks and a six pack.
And there were seven winners before I even left the house! I'm sorry.
Frasier, what should we do? Could we slash their tires? Could we crack their windshields? I was thinking of a more direct approach.
Oh, I'm down with that, too.
Next commercial, I'll get The Chicken, you take the big guy.
No, no, no, that's not it and you know it, Roz! I knew you'd say that.
Fine.
I'll take the big guy! No, no, Roz, stop it! Listen to yourself! You're lusting for blood like a barbarian! I have a more civilized approach in mind.
I have composed a speech.
A speech? Yes.
Unless you plan to roll it up and cram it down their throats, what good is that going to do? You just watch and see.
No, Frasier.
They're never going to stop making fun of you.
Roz, I don't care.
I've just figured out something.
Maybe you can't stop bullies from attacking you, but the only way they win is if they change who you are, and I'll tell you something.
Let them do their worst.
They will not knock the bowler off this head! What does that mean?! Holy cow! Look who just walked into the booth, Frasier Crane, the automatic sex pilot.
What's up, love doctor? Oh, I think you two know what's up.
There's only so much I can take.
Only so much anyone can take from a juvenile comic and his straight man! I believe it was La Rochefoucauld I'll take my straight man over your sex-starved producer any day, my friend.
Okay, buddy! Roz, let me handle this! Hey, hey, wait a second.
I'm not your straight man.
If anything, I'm the funny one.
Let's not start this again, okay? You're the one who started it on the air.
It was La Rochefoucauld who first said You always do this.
Hey, Carlos, the therapist said not to use the word "always.
" I just wish that you could say that I'm as funny as you are.
I wish I could say that, too, but who does all the funny voices? La Rochefoucauld once said If I'm so unfunny, how come I get offered solo gigs? Oh, well, now I'm laughing! Ha-ha! Don't believe me? Ask our agent.
You talked to Zachary behind my back? Gentlemen, if I could get a word in here I tell you what, man.
You think you can go out on your own, go ahead, be my guest.
Great! 'Cause I don't need you, and I don't need "Carlos and The Chicken"! CHICKEN: Oh, really? Well, best of luck, funny boy.
Same to you, Dwayne! Hey, man, that is not cool.
Chicken, I believe it was La Rochefoucauld, the great French thinker Would you give it a rest, double-wide.
I went to grad school, too.
And P.
S.
: It's pronounced La Rochefoucauld.
That's it! Nobody corrects my French pronunciation! Chicken! Oh, my God, did you have to be so vicious? Me? Oh, we got dead air.
Just take over.
Right.
Right.
Hello, Seattle.
This is Dr.
Frasier Crane.
I'll be filling in for the last hour ofThe Morning Zoo with my own particular brand of zany antics.
Well, let's see.
Um ah, you know, there was a fabulous cartoon in the recentNew Yorker.
Let me see if I can describe it for you.
Hey, baby, I hear the blues a'callin' Tossed salads and scrambled eggs Mercy And maybe I seem a bit confused Yeah, maybe, but I got you pegged (laughing) But I don't know what to do With those tossed salads and scrambled eggs They're callin' again.
Scrambled eggs all over my face.
What is a boy to do? Good night!