Frasier s07e02 Episode Script

Father of the Bride

Oh, hey, Frasier.
Hmm? Ah.
Ooh, catalogues.
Yes, I'm trying to find the perfect wedding gift for Daphne and Donny.
Oh, right.
Well, now that they've set a date, I guess I'll be getting my bridesmaid draft notice.
You know, Roz, she may not even ask you.
Oh, she'll ask me.
They all do.
The next thing I know, I'm wearing some revolting puffy-sleeved dress made from the same material that keeps the space shuttle from burning up during reentry.
You know, Roz, Daphne might just surprise you and pick a dress you like.
Oh, impossible.
That's the way the bride makes sure she's the prettiest one at her wedding.
Gee, that's awfully cynical.
Oh, yeah? When was the last time you found yourself staring at a bridesmaid instead of the bride? That would've been at my wedding to Lilith.
Hello, Frasier.
Oh, Niles! Frasier, do you remember the time the Kriezel brothers tied me to their Great Dane and lobbed meatballs down their gravel driveway? I've told you, Niles, I would've helped you, but their sister was holding me down.
No, my point is-- a cappuccino, please-- even that experience was less painful than the date I was just on.
She was a cat person.
She brought her cat on our date.
Oh, Lord.
Well, she had good reason-- it was Mr.
Waggles' birthday.
Oh, dear.
Actually, his birthday party.
Actually, his surprise birthday party.
Oh, Niles, I'm sorry.
Where on earth did you meet this woman? At Nordstroms.
We both reached for the same cashmere throw.
When she said she needed something to keep her waggles warm I thought it was a coy euphemism, but Thank you.
Well, Niles, I certainly understand your being upset, but you know you've got to keep on looking.
Well, trust me, with Daphne getting married I have no choice but to press on.
But I'm going to change my strategy.
Do you recall the other day at the health club Tony Hubner gave me that phone number? Dear God, Niles, not a dating service.
It's not a dating service.
It's an introduction network for busy professionals.
I give them my vital statistics and there's an extensive screening process.
They bill me at the end of the month.
Niles, please, they are all money-grabbing con artists who prey on the pathetic and the lonely.
For God's sake, you sign up with visions of some PhD candidate and what do they deliver? A buck-toothed librarian who needs help washing her mother.
Are you really that desperate? Half an hour ago, I had my left leg tethered to Mr.
Waggles' forepaw and we came in third in the five-legged race.
Geez, you'd think they'd let him win on his birthday.
I know, Mum, but it is my wedding.
I've given in to you on so many things.
Couldn't this one thing gomyway? I just don'tlike those tiny corns in me salad.
No, I don't hate you.
Well, that's just not true.
I'm glad you're alive.
All right, all right.
Tiny corn it is.
I've got to run now.
(sighs) That was Mum.
She had a thought about the salad.
Something told me yesterday's crouton skirmish wasn't the end of it.
I suppose she can be a bit overbearing, but, as she often points out, she is paying for the wedding, and I am her only daughter, and giving birth to me was so painful she did bite through a kitchen spoon.
Daphne just don't let your mother guilt you into having the wedding thatshewants instead of the weddingyouwant.
Oh, don't worry.
Mum already promised me I could have the wedding I want as soon as I have a daughter who gets engaged.
Oh, hey, Dad.
Oh, Fras you're going to love this stuff I got from the farmer's market.
This guy takes the juiciest cut of filet mignon, slices it real thin and makes jerky out of it.
Oh, Dad, I'm not really in Not bad, huh? Yes, if only I had a nice powdered cabernet to go with it.
Dad, listen have you given any thought to Daphne's wedding present? Oh, now, Frasier, not everybody likes jerky as much as you and me.
No, Dad No, no, I just want to get her something special.
Especially since her mother seems to be taking all the joy out of it for her.
Oh, how about a nice piece of luggage? You know, a good, hard suitcase, like the kind people used to put stickers on to show everybody where they'd been.
Remember your grandad's? Mm-hmm.
His whole life was on it.
Topeka, Sioux Falls, Biloxi.
It was like a map of the world.
Yes, what a loss to us all that he failed to write his memoirs.
I'm thinking of something that would matter to Daphne.
(hiccuping): Something that shows her how we feel-- good Lord.
A little spicy, wasn't it? You know, maybe we should get something for her wedding.
Like what? I don't know, uh the flowers, say.
That's it.
We could offer to pay for her wedding flowers.
Wow, that's a bit pricey, isn't it? Don't worry about it, Dad.
(hiccuping): You just donate what you can, and I'll pay for the rest.
Good God, what was in that jerky? You just ate it too fast.
Next time, you have to savor it a little.
Trust me, Dad, I'm never going to taste that vile stuff again.
(hiccuping): Oop.
Spoke too soon.
Mmm Daphne, may I have a word with you, please? What is it, Dr.
Crane? Well it's about your wedding gift.
Now I know it's not traditionally the role of a friend, but we consider you family so please don't say no.
Dad and I would be honored to pay for your wedding (hiccups) Pay for my wedding? (hiccups) How wonderful! (hiccuping) That's the most generous gift I could ever imagine! What's all the hubbub? Dr.
Crane just told me about your incredible wedding present! Oh! You people are heaven-sent.
Well, I'm glad you like it and and you know what? We're going to throw in a piece of luggage, as well.
I'm just so overwhelmed.
See, I told you.
Everybody loves luggage.
Dad! She thinks we're paying for herwholewedding.
What?! Well, I tried to say "wedding flowers" but then I hiccuped.
I'm not paying for a wedding.
Of course not.
I'll just clear this whole thing right up right now before it goes any further.
Daphne! You know what this means, don't you? Now that Mum's not paying, she can't make me have it in England.
I can have my wedding how I want it and where I want it right here.
You've answered my prayers.
(sobbing) (doorbell rings) DAPHNE: Could someone let Donny in? Oh, well, look Donny's a very traditional guy.
He's not going to let us pay for his wedding.
You saw how he proposed to her-- on bended knee.
He's nothing if not a hopeless romantic.
Any idiot knows you got to pay a hooker in cash.
I'm in a meeting.
I'll call you later.
Hey, guys.
How you doing? Hi, Donny.
I got this client-- he's in the middle of a divorce, right? And his wife finds all these charges from this place called Executive Match.
Turns out to be a call girl service.
Oh, boy, when she gets through with him, she'll have his house, his car She'd have his beach house, too, if I hadn't already taken it.
DONNY: Hi, honey.
Hi, sweetie.
Have they told you yet? Uh told me what? You're not going to believe this but Dr.
Crane and his father have offered to pay for our entire wedding.
(weak chuckle) Is this a joke? It could be.
Just a minute.
Honey, it's one thing for us to let your family pay.
They're your parents and it's traditional, but this is Going too far? Being presumptuous? We don't want to step on any toes.
I didn't think you'd be uncomfortable with this.
But he clearly is, Daphne.
Donny's right.
We're not family.
You know, we've got that thing.
Wait, wait a minute-- what am I doing? Here you guys you're making this lovely gesture and I'm just insulting you.
No, no, no, I mean, if you guys are not family to Daphne, then who is? Of course you can pay for the wedding.
Thank you, thank you.
Thank you, family.
I just knew he'd see how much this meant to you.
Oh, God, I'm tearing up again.
Don't start with the waterworks because you're going to get me going here.
What is that, jerky? Could I have some of that? Help yourself.
"Made from filet mignon.
" How much did this stuff set you back? You have no idea.
Now, as far as the reception goes I've narrowed it down to two places.
I'm leaning towards Captain Jonah's.
The view of the water's lovely but you have to walk through a whale's mouth to get inside.
I hesitate to ask how you exit.
Got to run.
I have a meeting with the DJ.
(heavy sigh) I thought she'd never leave.
Well good God, Roz.
How long have you been there? Since you two walked in and trapped me.
Aren't you taking this thing a bit too far just trying to avoid an unflattering dress? Yeah, I thought you'd say that.
That's why I've been carrying around this picture of the last time I was a bridesmaid.
Good Lord, Roz, you look like you've been tented for termites.
Well, it sounds like she's having fun planning her wedding.
Yes, now that she can have things her way and not her mother's.
She's lucky you came along.
Well, yes and no.
You know, I sit here and let her make questionable choices and I say nothing because I know it's going to cost me less.
I'm sorry.
You know what? I've got to change my thinking about this whole thing.
I mean, what good is my money if I'm denying her the best gift I have to offer-- my taste and expertise.
Frankly, what Daphne really deserves is the gift of Frasier.
Suddenly that crock pot I'm giving them doesn't sound so bad.
Oh, shut up.
Hello, Niles.
You look like a man who's waiting to be asked why he's grinning.
Oh, I was just thinkin' about the other day when you said how you thought dating services were all a big con.
Well, I just got conned into meeting the most enchanting woman.
Well, I don't know what to say.
And I owe it all to Executive Match.
Now I do.
The name of this service is Executive Match? That's right.
You thought these women were all beneath me.
Beneath you and countless others.
Do you have any idea? Shh.
Here she is.
Sabrina, could? Oh, sorry.
She's always on the phone.
Whatever it is she does for a living, she's in great demand.
So you have no idea what line of work Sabrina's in? No.
I'm guessing high-priced lawyer.
I heard her quote her hourly rate on the phone.
Believe me, you don't want to be on the receiving end of that bill.
(chuckling) Niles I feel I must warn you oh, now, please spare me your condescending advice.
Why can't you simply say you were wrong? You have no idea what you're doing.
I know exactly what I'm doing.
And you could learn a thing or two from me, Mr.
I am taking it slow with Sabrina.
You mean you haven't? Haven't? You know haven't? Haven't? Oh, please.
Are you mad? You don't proposition a woman like that on the first date.
Last night after dinner I dropped her home with nothing more than a courtly kiss on the wrist.
Tonightmayproceed to hand-holding.
And if all goes well, in two weeks, I shall storm the citadel of her womanhood.
Mmm Sabrina (chuckling) This is Frasier.
Lovely to meet you.
Nice to meet you.
You really have a great brother.
Oh, he's charming and witty and intelligent and handsome.
(chuckling) I paid her to say that.
Of course you did.
(doorbell rings) Ah, finally, the doves have arrived.
Come in.
Come in.
Lazlo, thank you so much for coming.
Lovely flowers.
I'll let you know.
Crane, was that the florist for my wedding? In his dreams! Good God.
The man's arrangements are one big cliche.
Look at this.
His answer to everything is baby's breath, baby's breath, baby's breath.
Does that woman with the harp have something to do with my wedding, too? No, Daphne, she's selling them door-to-door.
Of course it's for your wedding.
She's auditioning.
Crane, I really don't think MARTIN: Oh, good, Daphne.
You're here, too.
Listen, I want to show you guys a little something I thought up for the wedding.
"It is now the time in the ceremony for the rings.
May I have them, please?" 'Course, it's a lot more effective when he's in his little tux.
Dad, please.
It's all just a bit much, isn't it? We don't want to turn this wedding into a circus.
Now, where's the dove man? Dr.
Crane, about the doves Just picture it, Daphne.
Aren't they something? As you and Donny exit the church, one dozen white birds of peace will be released and circle above.
Of course, we'll use 14, actually.
The power lines always take out a few.
Thank you so much.
Crane, about the doves, it just seems a little grand.
I mean, what's wrong with throwing a bit of rice? Oh, well, uh, if you want rice, of course, you'll have rice.
Sometimes it seems nothing I do is good enough.
No, no, no.
I-I suppose doves will be fine.
Frasier, is that Reverend Franklin in the kitchen? Yes, it is, Dad.
You're auditioning our minister for the wedding? Don't you think Donny and I should have a say in who marries us? Of course, Daphne.
I'm just whittling down the possibilities.
The final choice is yours.
Who's tasting the first course? Oh, that'd be me.
Who's that? That's Chef Marco from the Mercer Club, Daphne.
Today we'll be sampling each of our four courses.
I was planning on serving a buffet.
That way, people can mingle.
It's more festive.
(doorbell rings) Daphne, we are talking about your wedding, not brunch with all the fixin's at Billy Bob's Blackjack Boomtown.
Hello, Frasier.
You remember Sabrina.
Yes, of course.
Lovely to see you.
Niles, what are you doing here? Oh, we're out for an afternoon of bird watching.
It's the start of mating season, you know.
Just wanted to introduce my new girlfriend to Dad.
Dad, this is Sabrina.
Nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you, too.
I should really call my office.
About how long do you think we'll be gone? Uh, about eight hours.
Ooh, Daphne, I didn't know you were going to be here.
I just want to drop these off for Frasier.
Oh, Roz, I'm glad you dropped by.
I need to talk to you about my wedding.
Do you mind if we speak in the hallway? Actually, I don't have much time.
Well, then, I'll get right to it.
Excuse me.
Do you know where Dr.
Crane lives? Right here.
Can I help you? I'm dropping off this bridesmaid's dress.
Oh, I'll take that.
I'm the bride.
What I need to ask you is, how do you ever get Dr.
Crane to listen to you? Is that the bridesmaid dress? He's driving me mad.
He doesn't listen to anything I say.
The women you asked to be bridesmaids get to wear this? And the worst part is is that silk? Well, he's just like my mother-- controlling and stubborn.
I mean, what am I going to do? Well, Daphne, it's your wedding.
Just tell Frasier how you feel.
Well, that's a bit difficult for me.
You see, there was no talking to my mother.
Anytime I so much as tried, all I'd hear is, "Just do it my way.
You'll thank me later.
" Every time she said that, I just wanted to explode.
Look, Frasier's a reasonable guy.
Just go in there and be direct.
You're right.
I'm going to.
Oh, and Roz I was going to ask you if you wanted to be one of me bridesmaids.
Oh, my God! Are you serious?! Yes.
Oh, this is coming out of nowhere.
I'd love to! Oh, great.
And don't worry.
Once I'm in charge, you won't have to wear this thing Dr.
Crane picked out.
I mean, he calls this a bridesmaid's dress.
The sleeves aren't even poofy.
So, how long have you guys been seeing each other? Well, let's see, since we've met, it's been about, uh, 17 no, 18 hours.
She actually counts the minutes we've been together.
FRASIER: Niles may I see you in the kitchen? Excuse me.
Crane, I need to talk to you.
Not now, Daphne.
All right.
All right, what is it? Niles, it's about Sabrina.
She's a prostitute.
Frasier, I don't like lawyers any more than you do.
But frankly, a man whose face is plastered on every bus in town should be careful what terms he bandies about.
Oh, Niles, Niles! Executive Match is an escort service.
One of Donny's clients was caught using them.
I don't believe you.
Niles, does Sabrina laugh at everything you say? Is shefascinatedby everything about you? Even your collections? Well, yes actually.
I even showed her my rarely seen collection of 18th century Portuguese bud vases.
And how did she react? Well, if you must know, she was rather aroused.
She said she loved a man who collected porcelain, and, oh, my God! I'm dating a whore.
They have my credit card number.
I've been running up a tab.
I've got to get her out of here! Sabrina, we should be going.
What's the hurry? We're having a nice conversation.
I love your dad.
Did he mention he used to be a police officer.
Maybe we should go.
Surely you can stay a little while.
I I haven't seen Niles in ages.
I used to teach him in Sunday school.
Oh, you know, Reverend, I can still remember dropping him off for his first class.
Seems like only yesterday.
(harp playing) Oh, Daphne, I believe I have chosen your bouquet.
It's handwoven out of pygmy orchids.
Crane, I really need to talk to you.
Well, of course.
First, let's sit and sample the porcini mushrooms.
They're exquisite.
But I don't like mushrooms.
Oh, you only think you don't.
You haven't tried these.
Crane, this is really difficult for me.
Just try this for me.
Come on.
You'll thank me later.
"You'll thank me later"? I've heard that my whole life.
Well, no more.
I'm doing my wedding my way, and if that means I want rice instead of doves and a DJ instead of a harp, then that's what I'll have.
I don't want your advice! I don't want your money! And I don't want your mushrooms! I'min charge of this wedding now.
And what kind of a git walks down the aisle carrying something called pygmy orchids?! (gasps) (harp playing "Wedding March") Is she all right? She's fine.
We had a nice talk.
That's good.
Wedding still on track? Absolutely.
You just got a little carried away, that's all.
Oh, I guess so, yeah.
You know, it suddenly occurred to me when I was talking to Daphne that I never really got the wedding of my dreams, either.
Oh, sure, you know, my first one, some little clandestine affair.
We dashed off to City Hall.
Could hardly imagine a wedding more lacking in ceremony till my second wedding which was lacking a bride.
And then came Lilith.
If I knew then what I know now, I would have walked down the aisle with the ice sculpture, had her stand by the buffet table to keep the shrimp cold.
Oh, so you had a few bad weddings.
Guess I was just taking my last best shot at the wedding I will never have for myself.
Oh, come on.
Oh, let's face it, Dad-- I'm no spring chicken.
You really see me getting married again? Well I guess I've had my doubts, but right here, right now, I think yeah, you're going to meet someone.
You really think so? Yes, I do.
And I'll tell you why.
If Niles can meet a great gal like Sabrina, then there's hope for all of us.
Hey, baby, I hear the blues a'callin' Tossed salads and scrambled eggs Oh, my And maybe I seem a bit confused Well, maybe, but I got you pegged (laughing) But I don't know what to do With those tossed salads and scrambled eggs They're callin' again.
Good night, everybody!