Frasier s07e01 Episode Script

Momma Mia

This is exactly why I hate fix-ups.
She's not coming.
Just give her a few more minutes.
Come on, tell me about the cabin.
Oh, all right.
Uh Well, Mom and Dad used to take us up there when we were kids.
Niles and I thought it might be a nice birthday gift for Dad if we took him up there again.
Oh, this is ridiculous.
I'm being stood up on a blind date.
I'm pathetic.
You are so insecure.
God, where does that come from? Jessica will be here.
"Jessica"? I thought you said her name was "Jennifer.
" Jennifer? Jennifer goes out with a weatherman.
She's way out of your league.
Look, let me have your cell phone.
I'll call her and see what's going on.
Frasier? Oh, I'm sorry, Roz.
The most striking woman just came in.
Well, it's probably Jessica.
No, no, no, it's not Jessica.
She's with a man.
God, I don't know what it is about her.
I can't take my eyes off of her.
Do you suppose they're a couple? No, no-- don't! I'll tell you what-- you have to go over there for me and find out.
What? You owe me.
Come on.
All right, it's that table right by the counter.
Go on.
Oh, all right.
(whispering loudly): No, Roz, Roz.
That's the wrong table.
Excuse me.
I know this is a little weird, but my friend over there thinks you're really, really cute.
He wanted to know if you two were on a date.
"A date"? Oh, no, Hank and I are just friends.
ROZ: Oh, that's good news.
That'sreally good news.
Hi, Hank.
I'm Roz Doyle.
Uh, excuse me.
Uh I suppose you noticed I-I was staring at your table, and I was just, uh, wondering if, um that gentlemen you're with, i-is he your husband? Oh, no.
Uh, boyfriend? No.
Oh, wonderful.
Would you like me to introduce you? He just broke up with someone.
No, no-no-no, uh no, I-I was, uh I was staring at you.
You were? Yes.
Gosh, I know this may seem awfully bold of me.
I-I'm not the sort of man who hits on every woman he sees Excuse me.
Hi, um, your friend said you wanted to know if I was single.
It's okay-- you don't have to be embarrassed.
Yes, he does.
(chuckling): No.
There's been a little mistake.
You see, I asked my friend to approach this lovely woman, and she obviously mistook you for the woman I meant.
Well, that's certainly understandable, seeing as you're lovely as well.
You see, it's just that at this moment, that's Well, I'm, uh many apologies.
(chuckling) Gosh, I'm sorry.
Let me start again.
I'm Frasier Crane.
Oh, you're Frasier.
I'm Jessica, Roz's friend.
Roz thought we might hit it off.
Indeed, we might have, you see, if not for the fact that I've-I've just met this, uh, woman to whom I'd be glad to introduce you, except I-I don't know what her name is yet, so, uh You know, Roz could explain all this.
Uh, she's sitting over there next to that scowling woman.
(chuckles awkwardly) Gosh, you know, you must think I'm some sort of a smooth operator.
No, not really.
I-I really am terribly sorry, uh I'm Mia, Mia Preston.
Mia MiaPreston? The children's book author? Yes.
Oh, my goodness.
Panda in the Parlor? Oh, wow, I love that book.
I've read it a hundred times.
I'm impressed.
Most of my readers can't even count that high.
Oh, no, no, no.
No, I-I used to read it to my son.
You know, many is the quart of milk we poured in the backyard waiting for the Oreo tree to grow.
Gosh, you know, I'd I'd love to take you to lunch sometime.
Lunch? Um Well, all right, coffee? Anything.
I-I'd just like a chance to get to know you better.
Well, I okay.
You're certainly persistent.
Well, a wise woman once wrote, "No cookie jar is up too high for a panda who will try and try.
" (chuckling) (chuckles nervously) Now you're scaring me.
(door opens) MARTIN: Hey, Daph.
I see you're wearing your buffet pants.
They're hip waders.
I'm breaking them in for the weekend.
Where's Fras? He's probably off somewhere with that Mia.
Oh, yeah, seems to be getting serious, huh? You know, it's funny, you can always tell.
Starts using French words for no reason.
Yeah, and that laugh, the giddy one.
(both imitate giddy laugh) FRASIER: After you, Niles.
Thank you.
Hello, all.
Well, there's afaux pasaverted.
I almost wore mybig rubber pants today.
They're for the trip.
I'm nearly done packing.
I've just got to get my fly vest and my tackle box and there's one more thing.
Well, we're taking off in a few hours, sodepeche-toi.
Oh, yeah, earplugs for the car ride up-- thank you.
Oh, uh, Dad, don't forget to pack some sturdy knee socks.
I should get some for myself.
You remember the insect situation at the cabin.
Good Lord, Niles, not this bug phobia of yours.
It's not a phobia.
The mosquitoes up there are huge.
My first summer, I was chased off the end of the dock by one the size of a pelican.
So, Dr.
Crane, when do we finally get to meet this new girlfriend of yours? Oh, Mia.
Well, she's on her way over here right now.
She says she's gonna take me out to buy some new trousers.
You see, this new diet she's got me on I've lost my love handles just when I needed them most.
(laughing giddily) So, Niles, Niles, you got those movies? Shh.
Here they are.
Thank you.
Movies? Yes, shh.
For Dad's birthday.
We had some of his old home movies transferred to videotape.
God, you know, I haven't seen these in years.
You know, Daphne, it's gonna be quite a hoot this weekend.
You sure you don't want to join us? (doorbell rings) Gutting fish, watching home movies and hosing down your father's pants It does sound tempting.
(laughing) Oh Hi, honey.
Hi, Mia.
Gosh, come on in.
Come on in.
This is Daphne Moon.
And that's my brother, Niles.
Oh, it's great to finally meet you two.
DAPHNE: Likewise.
So, what do you got there? Oh, I baked some fat-free goodies for your trip.
Where's the kitchen? Oh, right this way.
And there's a ton of muffins, if anybody wants one.
Oh, uh, not for me.
I have some problems with allergies.
Really? Well, these are just wheat germ, oat bran and carob.
Oh, well, throw in a sea scallop, you can call the paramedics right now.
She seems nice, doesn't she? You all right, Dr.
Crane? I'm sorry, Daphne, it's just that Mia looksexactly like our mother.
Crane? I've only seen photos, mind, but now that you mention it, thereisa resemblance.
No, it's not just a resemblance.
She is thespitting image.
I'm I'm shocked Frasier didn't mention it.
So, what do you think of her? Oh she's wonderful, but, Frasier Hmm? Does she remind you of anyone? Oh, you noticed that, too? Are you kidding? From the minute I laid eyes on her.
Even I can see it.
Really? Well, she does look a bit like Roz, but she's a totally different person.
You know, in fact, our relationship is unlike any I've ever had before.
Come on, handsome.
Let's go buy you some pants.
Ooh, okay.
Oh, wow look at this.
I don't believe it.
Nothing's changed.
Niles? Wow, I don't believe it.
Look at this, nothing's changed.
It's character, Niles.
Look at this fireplace.
Ah, your mom and I used to sit in front of the fire here holding hands.
And I wonder if that Oh, yep, it's still here-- that graffiti that you scratched into the floor.
That's not graffiti, Dad.
That's a Latin pun: "Semper ubi sub ubi--" "Always where under where.
" (horn honking) Oh, that'll be Frasier and Mia.
I was really surprised he brought her here for the weekend.
What's she like, anyway? Uh, well she made quite an impression on me.
I'm curious to see what you'll think.
Would you hand me that valise? I want to put on some bug repellent.
Oh, sure.
Ooh, it's kind of heavy.
What do you got in there? Bug repellent.
(spraying continues) Hello, Niles.
Hey, Frasier.
Honey, you stay out there as long as you like! She can't take her eyes off that sunset.
Is everything all set here? Yes, I just want to make sure this VCR works for our little home movies later.
Ooh, Niles, you know what, we're going to need some more logs from the woodpile.
Come give me a hand.
Uh, all right.
Oh, Fras! Isn't it great to be back here? You know, I want to thank you guys.
This is some gift.
You're welcome, Dad.
Listen, if you're enjoying this little trip down memory lane, wait till you see the other blast from the past we brought up here.
Shh, shh, shh.
Come on, come on.
Martin? Hi.
It's Mia.
Oh, my gosh, Frasier did tell you I was coming, didn't he? Oh, yeah, yeah, of course he did.
Yeah, well, nice meeting you.
It's very nice to meet you.
Well, it's so beautiful here.
Well, I'm glad you like it.
Are you kidding? I feel like I'm in heaven.
I'm starting to feel that way myself.
Well, nice going, Niles! What happened? Niles dropped a huge log right onto my hand when he was startled by a moth.
(laughs softly) It was not a moth.
It was a bat.
I could tell from that eerie, high-pitched scream.
That was you! You know, frankly, I wish you'd start seeing someone about this bug phobia of yours.
It is not a phobia.
I have a healthy fear of our natural predators.
It's us versus them, and frankly, I'm starting to wonder just whose side you're on.
It just amazes me that a good psychiatrist can be so blind to something so obvious.
Oh, honey, your poor thumb.
We should go put something on that.
Well, okay.
God, she looks just like your mother.
I know, and Frasier doesn't see it.
You're kidding.
No, and he has the gall to tell me I'm blind.
He's clearly the one dealing with repressed material, not to mention theobvious oedipal issues.
Argle gargle, google goo.
What? Now you know how it feels.
What are you talking about?! I'm talking about Freud's theory of the Oedipus complex.
He believed that every man subconsciously wants to sleep with his mother and kill his father.
It's modeled on the Greek tragedy ofOedipus, who actually did sleep with his mother and kill his father.
And when he realized what he'd done, he gouged out both his eyes.
Probably not too tough to pick that guy out of lineup.
Oh, why don't we just send out engraved invitations for all the bugs of the forest? But the question is, how do we bring it to Frasier's attention? We don't.
Dad, denial of this magnitude is not healthy.
It's for his own good.
No, Niles.
Okay, it's formyowngood.
Come on, after the way he wagged his finger at me, you can't expect I'm just gonna be quiet about this.
Look, the last thing I want on my birthday weekend is some big, long, drawn-out argument between you two, all right? Now, let's just chill this beer that we brought, all right? And just put all these weird thoughts out of our minds.
Oh, sorry, Dad.
Uh, come on, hon, let's go see if our room still has that big, creaky, old pine bed that Mom and Dad used to sleep in.
Ah, yeah, there she is! Well, I guess a warm one wouldn't kill us.
(liquid pouring) MARTIN: Boy, being in this place really takes me back.
Hey, remember that summer I tried to teach you boys how to fish? You just didn't have the knack, so I went out, and I bought these two big trout and snuck them on the boat.
Oh, Marty, you're terrible.
Oh, yeah.
And then I put the trout on their hooks, and I dropped them over the side, while you two were still arguing about the last Dramamine.
I felt bad about fooling you, but, hell, what's the harm of a little fantasy if it makes you feel good? More wine? Oh, thanks, hon.
Frasier, you've hardly touched your chicken.
Is something wrong? Oh, no, no.
It's just that well, I'm having a little trouble holding the knife because someone dropped a log on my thumb.
Oh, it didn't hurt you that badly.
You are such a baby.
Youare a baby-- running and screaming because of a little moth.
I told you that was a bat.
It was not a bat! All right, boys, that's enough! Not at the table.
Your father's right.
Now, Frasier, if your hand's hurting you, I'll cut your meat for you.
Well, all right.
You know, Niles, not to dwell on this, but, you know, I could give you the number of a man who specializes in bug phobias.
Oh, is that so? Frankly, while you're at it, I think you should talk to him about your compulsive chair-dusting.
I believe that is related.
Well, I'm sorry, Dad.
I think a good psychiatrist should be self-aware.
Open wide.
So, you're saying I lack self-awareness? Why don't we change the subject, all right? This is a great meal, Mia.
Thank you.
It certainly was.
Frasier, when it comes to girlfriends, you've certainly struck the mother lode.
Niles! FRASIER: You haven't even read her books yet, Dad.
It's a delightful series about an adventurous little panda.
Sounds worthy of Mother Goose.
Uh, so, uh what's coming up next for you, Mia? Well, I'll have to swear you to secrecy.
All right.
It looks like that panda might just find its way into the attic.
Oh, yes, mum's the word.
Oh, sorry, Niles.
Could you, uh, maybe come into the kitchen, and I'll, uh, I'll just, uh, help you get dried off.
All right? Yes, of course.
Oh, dear, it looks like these pants may have to be re-pressed.
What the hell's the matter with you? Oh, I am sorry, Dad.
You can't expect me to let him sit there in his booster seat and tell me I lack self-awareness.
He's going to pick up on what you're saying.
You want the whole thing to blow up? Dad, this level of denial is unhealthy.
We're not in denial! Everything's perfect! This is the best birthday I've ever had! Oh.
Oh, hi.
I'm sorry.
I know it's early, but, um, I'm exhausted.
Oh, Mia, well, you go.
You hit the sack.
Thanks for dinner.
We'll wash the dishes.
Thank you.
I'll be along in a minute.
Um, Frasier Yes? Before you turn in, there's a little something we need to deal with.
Oh, geez.
Oh, right, Dad, your birthday gift.
Oh, yes, my gift! It's my gift.
I want to open my gift, all right? It's my birthday this weekend, right? Come on, Niles, it'll be fun.
Oh, yes, fine.
Oh, come on.
Seeing you and me, Dad and Mom.
You know, I'm getting more excited by the second.
Yeah, come on.
Oh, okay, Dad, now listen.
You sit right here, all right? Oh, okay.
What is it, some kind of movie? Oh, that's right.
Here we go.
All right.
MARTIN: Oh, my old home movies.
I haven't seen these for 20 years.
FRASIER: Well, happy birthday, Dad.
Now you can watch them whenever you like.
MARTIN: Oh! Isn't it just the reaction you were hoping for? One of them.
Oh, dear God.
Do you two see what I see? My God, they could be twins.
Frasier, take it easy.
Youdosee it.
How could you miss it? How couldImiss it? Just, uh, you calm him down, and I'll go get him a drink of water.
All right.
Oh, my God.
Frasier, Frasier, Frasier.
The important thing is not to blow this out of proportion.
After all What was that, a hummingbird? (panting) What is the matter with me? Frasier, you didn't do anything wrong.
Your feelings for Mia stem from perfectly natural oedipal desires.
Yes, but oedipal desires are supposed to resolve themselves by the age of six.
Oh, for God's sake, give me that, you idiot.
(screams) I blinded myself.
I leave you alone with him for two seconds No, no, no, Dad.
Here, Frasier, are you all right? Oh, God.
Here, here, wipe your eyes.
(weeping): I'll be all right.
Just let me, uh here Just let me try to calm down a little bit.
She's she's not my mother.
Hmm? Time for bed.
(door closes) Hello.
You wanted to see me? I hope I wasn't rushing you.
No, no.
It is bedtime.
Are you okay, sweetie? I mean, you seem a little tense.
No, no, no, no.
I just need to, uh, calm down a little bit.
Here, just let me, uh-- here, ah, yeah See, that's better.
Honey, it seems like you're in pain.
(gasps) Oh, it's your hand.
Yes, yes, that's it, yeah.
Well, I know what the problem is there.
I never kissed your little boo-boo.
(gasps) We don't want these other fingers to be jealous, do we? (gasps) I Oh, Frasier, honey.
Please, tell me what's wrong.
What's bothering you? I'm sorry, I-I don't know what's wrong with me.
I'm just having a little trouble getting comfortable.
Well, was it something I did? Something I said at dinner? What? Okay, okay.
Gosh, this is awkward.
Uh I've just realized that you bear a striking resemblance to my mother.
But you just noticed it now? Yes.
Well, it can't be that strong of a resemblance, then, can it? That strong, huh? Well, listen, I hope you can get over it, because I think we have a pretty great thing going here.
Don't you? Yes.
We have loads in common.
We get along great.
And don't you want to stick around long enough to see how that naughty panda gets out of the attic? Oh, I do, yes.
(chuckling): God, you're right.
You know, just talking about this makes me feel much better.
Oh, gosh, you're not my mother.
This is ridiculous.
So, you're okay? I'm okay.
(both moan) I'm better than okay.
Okay, then.
(car horn honks) Oh, well, there's your cab.
Take care of yourself.
I'm sorry this is so awkward.
No, really, it's fine.
Here we go.
(groans) I take it that cab was for Mia.
You know, I tried to get past it, but I just couldn't.
I'm sorry, son.
Yeah, me, too, Frasier.
Well, I won't be getting much sleep tonight.
Yeah, I'm up, too.
I won't be getting a wink of sleep, either, the way those crickets are raging.
Niles why don't you get us all a nice, big brandy.
Now, don't make too much of this, Frasier.
So you picked a woman who looked like your mother.
So what? Like her would have been fine, Dad.
I'm not talking about a similar hairdo or the same crooked smile.
I was dating a replicant.
Now, Frasier, I know you're going to go crazy convincing yourself that you've got some big complex, but couldn't it be simpler than that? Maybe you just miss your mother.
I know I do.
I do think about her a lot.
We all do.
Thanks, Niles.
You're welcome.
Thank you.
Hey, I think we've talked about all this enough for one night.
So, this is still my birthday, I want to watch the rest of my movies.
That's a great idea, Dad.
(chuckles) NILES: Well, there certainly are a lot of us fighting.
(chuckles) You know, Dad, I wish there were more shots of you in it.
Oh, no, no.
I liked being the cameraman.
I got to focus on the things I liked.
(chuckling) (chuckles) Hey, baby, I hear the blues a'callin' Tossed salads and scrambled eggs Quite stylish And maybe I seem a bit confused Well, maybe, but I got you pegged (laughing) But I don't know what to do With those tossed salads and scrambled eggs They're callin' again.
Frasier has left the building.