Friday Night Dinner (2011) Episode Scripts

N/A - For Sale

1 Thank God I can breathe again! It's not that bad.
You were playing football, not lying in your own BO? Lovely(!) What? What?! What? No way.
No way.
No way! Dad! Hello, bambinos.
Is this for real? What? Uh, the For Sale sign! Is the For Sale sign for real? Yes! Well, it exists.
Right.
No way! No way.
No way! There is no way you are selling this house! Oh Hello.
Uh I do beg your pardon, Paul and Melissa.
This is Adam and Jonny.
Hi.
Hello.
Our sons.
Boys, would you mind taking your shoes off, please? We were just saying what a lovely house your parents have.
Really lovely.
Well, thanks for showing us around.
No, thank you for coming.
Not at all.
So do they want to buy the house? Martin! Has she told you about the bodies in the basement yet? Er, well, thanks again, then.
Good night.
Good night.
Good night.
Bodies everywhere! Really! The woman smelt of pencils.
I can't believe Ssh! Selling?! Without telling us! Boys No way! You can't sell the house! Boys! We are not selling the house.
What? Aren't we? No! So? We're not selling.
We're just seeing.
Seeing? Seeing? Yes.
We're just seeing if anyone might be interested in one day, maybe, thinking of buying the house.
Right.
I thought we were selling the house.
We've been through this.
Oh, yes.
We're definitely not selling the house.
Not at all.
You've convinced me(!) You do know I'm an estate agent? A terrible estate agent.
Ah! Jonny, can you go and have a shower, please? So I do know when people put a For Sale sign up it usually means they're selling their house.
Jonny Why didn't you ask me to help? Because you're shit at your job.
Argh! No, boys! I've got crisps in my eyes! We were going to ask you, honestly, but we thought you'd get really upset.
So you ARE selling the house! Yeah! We're just having a little look around.
God, what's wrong with that? Aren't we allowed to have a life? No! No! We can't be expected to stay here forever.
Why not? Cos we've been here 28 bloody years.
Do you know how long 28 bloody years is? I do.
Ten thousand two hundred and twenty bloody days.
Oh So? So maybe now's the time for your father and me to think about moving somewhere a little smaller.
Smaller? What about us? You only come on Friday nights.
Thank God.
But it's the family home.
Yeah, Mum, the family home.
You can't sell the family home.
The family home! Boys It's just a building with walls and doors.
What do you mean? All right - and windows.
Is that all it means to you? What? Doesn't this house mean anything to you? I suppose it keeps me dry.
That'll be the roof(!) They do say it's the most important bit.
Look, if it makes you any happier, no one's made us an offer.
OK? An offer?! An offer?! No one's made an offer on the house.
Can we all just have a nice Friday night dinner? The Last Supper, you mean.
Adam! Yeah, the Last Supper.
That's a shocking thing to say! Tell them, Martin.
What? The Last Supper! Oh, yes.
I think we had lamb and potatoes.
Spanner.
I can't believe you and Mum.
Spanner.
I was born here.
Don't you even care? Spanner.
Is this a spanner? Does it look like a spanner? It's spanner-ish.
That's a wrench, you simpleton.
Yeah, simpleton.
Spanner.
What are you even doing? If it's something boring, you don't need to tell us.
Tightening the fan belt.
You don't need to tell us.
There.
All done.
I don't know why I did that.
Dinner! Oh, squirrel! Dad What? You know what your mum's like when she gets a new idea.
Meaning? It's just one of her silly fads.
Last week it was needlepoint.
You think? She's probably bored of the idea.
Have you ever seen her needlepoint? No.
That's because she didn't buy any bloody needles.
Jonny, can you have your shower now, please? Now, really? The boy doesn't need a shower.
He definitely does.
Can't he do his bits in the sink? After dinner.
I'm starving.
That'll be too late.
Too late for what? We'll all be dead from the fumes? Too late for what? Someone else is coming to look at the house.
Someone else?! Someone else?! Calm down! But Dad I thought it was another needlepoint scenario.
Mum! Just to let you know, we will do everything in our power to stop you selling.
Very good.
Starting with this.
Jonny! Followed by this.
In that shower! God! Ah! Bad luck, Pissface.
Oh! Bad luck, Pusface! Beetroot?! Jonny! Jonathan! Oh, God! Beetroot on the carpet! Blot it, Adam.
Blot it.
Blot it? BLOT IT! Martin A cloth, quickly! How do I know how to blot it? Wait Ho ho.
So dead.
Adam! Martin, blot.
Hm? Genius.
KNOCK AT DOOR One moment! What are you doing in there? Coming! Pusface? FLUSHES TOILE All right? What's wrong with the loo downstairs? Hmm? SHOWER COMES ON Five seconds? Uh?! What? Oh, my God! Scrub-a-dub-dub! What is happening?! What is happening? .
.
Why is it all red? Why is it all red?! Uh! But how did the beetroot end up in the shower head? All over Jonny, the walls, the carpet I'm telling you, I'm not doing any more bloody blotting tonight.
It's a real mystery.
Just eat your bloody dinner.
The Last Supper.
Please stop saying that.
To think I was born in this house.
I was probably conceived here.
Eugh, Adam, I'm eating! What do you mean, "Eugh"? I don't want to think of you and dad doing your conceiving in this house, not while I'm also in it.
Who said your brother was conceived in this house? Sorry?! Maybe he was conceived somewhere else.
Was he? If not in the house, where was it? The car.
The car?! That's where you were formed.
Formed(!) Your mother's egg, my spermatozoa Dad! All right, Martin.
What were you doing, doing it in Dad's car? We were young.
And randy.
Pusface, don't you want to know where you were "formed"? OK, where was Pissface formed? I don't wanna know.
I do! I don't remember.
Martin, where was it? The cemetery? The cemetery?! I'm only joking, you berk! I can't remember where it was either.
Shame.
Who cares where we did it? "Did it"! You're here now, you're alive Yeah.
And wishing we'd never been born.
Don't be so ungrateful! You two had a wonderful childhood! In this house, which we're now flogging.
Flogging.
We are not! Whatever.
Whatever.
Boys! Oh! Are we having an argument? Are we not talking? Great! Then I'm going to get that thing.
Really? What thing? Oh, this bloody thing.
Lads, remember this? What is it? You don't remember? Is it something from the inside of the toilet? No! I found it in the shed.
The conversation spindle.
What?! When you were little, if you'd had an argument Every five seconds.
.
.
I made this for you.
Which is? First, give the thing a spin.
And it lands on a number from one to ten.
Four.
And then four isbridges.
So we have a conversation about bridges.
Bridges? Or if it lands on a different number, there's Oh! My family.
Capital cities.
Horses.
Fascinating subjects(!) Go on, Adam.
You have a spin.
OK.
Number six! Number six.
The future of space travel.
The future of space travel? Now you talk about that.
Seriously? All right, I'll help you.
Adam, what do you think is the future of space travel? I've no idea! I know that.
We're just having a conversation.
OK The future of space travel.
Er We'll all beliving on the Moon.
Rubbish! All right, I How are you going to fly seven billion bloody people, even more if it's in the future, to the bloody Moon?! Martin! Idiot! Oh, I remember this game now.
What about all the stuff? Honestly? The food, the building material.
Where will we get bleeding water?! All right, Dad! Living on the Moon! You need to get that head of yours out your backside and get real! God, the Moon! I What a lovely game.
May I have a go? DOORBELL Oh, that'll be him.
James.
James? Right.
To see the house.
Mum No more mess, please! Please, don't get it.
Jonny! Coming! Oh, hi, Jim.
James.
Sorry? James.
I've come about the house.
Yes.
TUTS Wilson and I would make a lot of changes to this house.
A lot.
Right.
And will you be here much longer? This bit is the upstairs? That's right, Jim.
Hmm.
I think I'd make it the downstairs.
And this I'd probably burn.
Terrific.
Your bedroom's very nice, Jackie.
It's very nice.
You have seen in here before, Jim.
I think I would preserve this room for all eternity.
I'm going downstairs to stare at my hands.
Thank you(!) Does your bed come with the house? Yes, Jim.
No, it doesn't.
Might you be prepared to sell the bed? Sorry, Jim.
Hire out the bed? Jim No, of course.
I suppose I could always fashion a replica.
Yes Well, thanks for coming.
Good night.
One minute, Jackie.
I don't think I got to see the roof.
He's right.
The roof.
Em, I don't think that'll be necessary, Jim.
But they do say the roof's the most important bit.
Yes, I heard that.
Rotten git.
Well, good night.
Roof.
Your Last Supper's getting cold.
Look, I know you're both upset, but nothing is happening.
No one else is coming or going to buy it,OK? Unless Jim does.
Thank you.
Imagine this is the last time we ever ate crumble in this house.
Crimble crumble.
OK In this room.
Very good.
At this table.
Seriously! CRASH! What the bloody hell?! Oh! Oh, God! Shitting, shitting, shitting! Shit on it! Oh, Martin! My car! My shitting car! How did that happen? ErI think I know.
Hello, all! Just checking the roof.
Ah, OK, Jim.
I'll tell him.
Mm-hm.
Goodbye.
Jim said to tell Dad he's really very sorry about Dad's car and he's offered to make him a lasagne.
With wheels? 300 bloody quid to tow the bloody thing! Oh, Martin.
Come and sit down.
I don't wanna sit down.
Have some tea.
I don't want tea.
Crumble.
Or crumble.
Have some lasagne.
What? My bloody, bloody car! Oh, sweetheart.
Lucky you weren't inside it.
You know, hammering away at Mum.
Thank you, Adam.
You going to be OK? Yeah, I just don't want to talk to anyone right now.
Of course.
No.
I know! What? What? Da-ad? What? Remember when we were kids and we weren't talking? No, thank you.
It'll cheer you up.
I don't need it.
ALL: You do! Oh, go on, then.
The whole vehicle buggered.
Number nine.
Horses.
What? Horses.
You talk about horses.
UmOK.
Emwell, horses They're, um They're animals.
That's it, is it? Mm.
That's OK.
I'll play for him.
Oh, thank you, sweetie.
Horses are mammals and they live in stables.
Not wild ones.
OK, not wild ones.
Horses run very fast and like being ridden by people.
You have to break them in first! OK, all right.
They eat What do horses eat? Carrots? Some meat.
Horses don't eat meat! Well, I don't know! Ever see a horse tuck into a steak, you stupid thicko?! Martin! Only trying to cheer you up! How is talking bollocks about flesh-eating horses Wait! Jackie Meat! What? Butcher's.
That's where we did it.
In the alley behind the butcher's.
Oh, yes! What? Where we formed you.
I'm sorry?! In the alley behind the butcher's.
Behind the butcher's? We were quite drunk.
Very drunk! The Last Supper just gets better.
PHONE RINGS I can't believe it.
Hello? That's OK.
It's not too late.
That's where I was conceived? Behind the butcher's? Martin, could you come here for a sec? Your mum was practically unconscious.
Unconscious.
Well, it must be nice to know how you came about - good old non-consensual sex near some meat.
Thank you.
God What? I think they want to buy the house.
Who? The couple from before.
The man and the pencil lady? Yes.
The estate agent said they want to drop round for another look.
Right.
Martin They're going to make an offer.
Oh.
OK.
That's good, isn't it? Yeah, yeah.
The boys.
The boys.
You know they'll go mad.
Don't worry, love.
I'll be gentle with them.
Everything OK? The couple from before are buying the house.
What?! Martin! No way! No way! Why did you tell them like that?! Like what? I can't believe this! You said no one will buy it! I'm sorry.
I didn't know.
I knew it! Boys, they'll be here in a minute.
OK, I'm off! Me, too.
Adam! Jonny! You won't be seeing us for a long, long time.
A long, long, long, long time.
Boys, please! Right, that is it.
I've had enough of all this shit! Martin! The arguing, the shouting, the endlessblotting! Jackie, your go.
What?! You're the only one who hasn't played.
Now? They'll be here in a minute! Spin it.
But Spin! Just do it, Mum.
Oh, God! Two.
Two.
My Family.
What? That's your subject.
Sure it doesn't say My Horrible Family? We're waiting.
What am I supposed to say? You know about my family.
You're in my family! Just play it properly for bleedin' hell's sake! Yeah, Mum.
All right.
My family.
My family Well.
My family Yes? My family Mum! Mum I'm sorry.
That's OK, Mum.
Is that your go over? Cos technically all you've said is the subject title.
I'm going to miss this place.
Me, too.
And me.
Maybe it is more than just a building with walls and doors.
And windows.
It's the family home.
Family home.
DOORBELL They're here.
Right.
Boys, wait.
What? Martin, can you get the bin bag, please? Bin bag? The one in the bin.
Quickly! Why do you want a bin bag? Yeah? DOORBELL One minute! It's very full, so be careful.
If you think I'm blotting all that.
Well, don't just stand there.
Help me! Hoo hoo hoo! DOORBELL Coming! OK.
Jackie, wait! That's better.
My horrible family.
Oh, hello again.
Do have another look around.
# I change shapes just to hide in this place # But I'm still I'm still an animal # Nobody knows it but me when I slip # Yeah, I slip I'm still an animal # I change shapes just to hide in this place But I'm still I'm still an animal