Friends s03e12 Episode Script

-Does everybody hate these shoes? -Yeah.
But nobody will focus on that if you wear that towel-dress.
Tell him.
It's her first day at this new job.
You shouldn't start with her.
All right.
I suppose I can wait a day.
-What are you doing Friday? -Why? Come to my weird cousin Albert's bachelor party.
You know, he's the botanist? Oh, God! Botanists are such geeks.
Is that a dinosaur tie? Morning! Rach, I'm here with the purses! It must take you forever to find your keys.
Thank you, Pheebs.
You're welcome.
Please want the one with the turtles.
No, turtles scare me.
I don't need that today.
Honey, just relax.
It's gonna be fine.
Why don't I come and take you to lunch? Thank you! But Mark's taking me out.
Mark? ls that the same Mark that helped you get the job? It's like a "good luck on your first day" thing.
Is this a lunch box? No, a purse.
And there's a thermos in it.
-So can you make it on Friday? -What? I think so.
Why am I invited to this again? Apparently, Albert has no friends.
He's excited about the bachelor party.
He's only getting married so he can see a stripper.
A stripper at a bachelor party.
That is so cliché.
Why don't you guys get a magician? If he can open my beer with his butt-cheeks, then all right.
The One With All the Jealousy .
:staz:.
(staz@post.
cz) She's having lunch with him? Lunch with him? You should've seen him hug her when she got the job! And he's really good-looking.
-What am I gonna do? -You don't do anything.
Keep it inside.
Learn how to hide your feelings.
Don't cry out loud.
Guess who has an audition for a Broadway musical? I wanna say you, but it seems like such an easy answer.
It is me! It's a musical version of A Tale of Two Cities.
So I think I'm gonna sing "New York, New York" .
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and "I Left My Heart in San Francisco.
" Joey, I don't think you get to pick the cities.
What? Mr.
Dickens gets to pick them.
Who? I'll get you the Cliff Notes.
The what? The abridgment.
The what? Then the style number.
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the invoice number and the shipping date.
Good.
Any questions so far? What kind of discount do we get? Twenty percent.
I love this job! -My first call! -Here, let me.
Rachel Greene's line.
May I help you? Hi, is Rachel there? -And who may I say is calling? -This is Ross.
Ross of.
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? Of "Ross and Rachel.
" Hi, it's Mark.
-Hey, Mark.
-Hey.
Hold on a second.
It's Ross.
Hi, honey.
What's Mark doing answering your phone? Oh, he's just goofing around.
Oh, that's funny.
Why isn't he goofing around in his own office? This is his office too.
I told you, we're Joanna's two assistants.
Why does Joanna need two assistants? How lazy is she? Oh, my God! What did I just do? I just shipped 3000 bras to Personnel! I gotta go! Mark, I need you! Okay! Bye-bye! I'm sorry, sweetie.
I was just trying to-- I was dialing another number.
I got changed in 30 seconds so you could be alone with him.
You better go for it.
I'm not going for anything.
Well, if you don't, I will.
Would you please go? 'Night, Mon.
'Night, Julio.
Someone left their book here.
Actually, that is mine.
What are you reading? Flowers of Evil, by Baudelaire.
Have you read it? Have I read it? No.
Are you enjoying it? I thought I would, but the translation's no good.
You're a poet and you don't know it.
Actually, l.
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I am a poet.
So you do know it.
So what kind of things do you write about? Things that move me: The shadow of a tree.
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a child laughing.
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or this lip.
Mine? Right here? I could write an epic poem about this lip.
How would that go? Well, it didn't rhyme.
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but I liked it.
You've got to pick a pocket or two boys You've got to pick a pocket or two Lovely.
Just lovely.
Really? Thanks.
We definitely want to see you for the callback on Saturday.
Excellent! I'll be there.
Don't forget to bring your jazz shoes for the dance audition.
My agent said that it wasn't a dancing part.
All the roles gotta dance a little.
But with your dance background, it'll be a piece of cake.
"Three years of modern dance with Twyla Tharp"? "Five years with the American Ballet Theatre"? Everybody lies on their résumé, okay? I wasn't one of the Zoom kids either.
Well, can you, like, dance at all? Yeah, I can dance.
You know.
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What is that? Sure, it looks stupid now.
There's no music playing.
I have to get that.
But, no, no.
Hi.
Listen, I'm in need of a stripper and I was told that you do that.
Let me ask you this.
What do you do for the extra hundred? So would I have to provide the grapes? Hi.
How was last night with Julio, se~norita? It was amazing.
He's sexy and smart, which makes him even sexier.
Last night we were fooling around.
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and all of a sudden he stops to write a poem.
Get out! I couldn't stop if a meteor hit me.
We have our stripper, a "Miss Crystal Chandelier.
" Name a kid that, what do you expect them to grow up to be? But he forgot to take the poem with him.
I am totally dense about poetry, but I think this is pretty good.
Check it out.
"The Empty vase.
Translucent beauty--" To yourself.
You know, that's pretty good.
Yeah, I think so too.
Phoebe? Great! I'm so glad you guys like it! -I gotta go to work.
-I'm not done.
Give it back when you're through.
-See you guys.
-Bye-bye.
Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Poor Monica! What? What? What? He was with her when he wrote this poem! "My vessel so lovely, with nothing inside"? "Now that I've touched you, you seem emptier still"? He thinks Monica's empty.
She's the empty vase! You really think he meant that? Totally.
Oh, God! And she seems so happy too.
Done.
Do you have the Ralph Lauren file? Oh, yeah, sure! It's right-- What's that? It's from Ross.
It's a Love Bug.
Somebody wants people to know you have a boyfriend.
That's not what he's doing.
He's just really romantic.
Excuse me.
Are you Rachel Greene? One, two, three.
Congratulations on your first week At your brand-newjob It won 't be long Before you're the boss And you know who will be there To support you Your one and only boyfriend It's nice to have a boyfriend! Your loyal, loving boyfriend, Ross! I'm hurt! I'm actually hurt.
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that you'd think I'd send those things out of anything but love.
Hurt! All right, I get it.
You're hurt! Can't a guy send a barbershop quartet.
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to his girlfriend's office anymore? Oh, please! It was so obvious.
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Iike you were marking your territory.
You might as well have just come in and peed around my desk! I would never do that.
Look, I know what's going on here.
Mark explained it all to me.
He said this is what you guys do.
Well, if Mark said that, then Mark's an idiot.
Mark's a genius.
Why? How? How is he a genius? Don't you see what's happening? Instead of hitting on her now, he's becoming her confidante.
Now he's gonna be the guy she goes to, to complain about you.
What am I gonna do? Why don't you send her a musical bug? No, you already did that.
You're gonna have to go there yourself now.
Make a few surprise visits.
I don't know, guys.
Fine, don't do anything.
Sit and talk to us.
Meanwhile, she is talking to him about you.
And he's being Mr.
Joe Sensitive.
She's thinking, "Maybe he's the guy for me because he understands me.
" And before you know it, she's with him.
And you'll be all, "Oh, man! " And he'll be all, "Yes! " And us, we'll be like, "Oh, dude! " And pretty soon you'll be like: "Hi.
" And, "Well, I can't go.
Rachel and Mark might be there.
" And we'll be like, "Man, get over it! It's been four years! " He paints quite a picture, doesn't he? Here's the Shelley Segal stuff for December.
Wait, I've got something for you.
It's okay.
Rachel knows.
Yeah, but even so-- I can't help it.
I'm just crazy about you.
Oh, that is so sweet! I know I'm Mr.
Inappropriate today, but it's just so tough.
I see you walking around, and I want to touch and hold you.
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Come on, no one's around.
Just kiss me.
All right, that's it! Get off of her! What is going on? What's going on? I'll tell you what's going on! I have been down in your store for 20 minutes, trying to get a tie.
What do I have to do to get some service? Hi, Rach.
Joey Tribbiani? I've got a problem.
I just got a call from my dance captain.
He's having a relationship crisis and can't leave Long lsland.
Does that mean the audition's off? Seeing as you've got the most experience.
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I want you to teach these dancers the combination.
What? Come on, it's easy.
You know, it's hand, hand.
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head, head.
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up, pas de bourrée, pas de bourrée.
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big turn here, rond de jambe.
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Slide, step, step.
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and jazz hands! So that's, "Steppity-step and jazz hands.
" Have fun.
Bye.
What are you wrapping? Look what I got Julio.
It's a vase.
Just like the one in the poem.
Not exactly like the one in the poem.
What do you mean? Remember how you said you were really dense about poetry? So I'm just an empty vase? What? So, I don't read as many important books as you do.
And I don't write trick poems that aren't about what they seem.
And I get excited about stupid stuff.
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Iike when my People magazine comes.
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and the new "Hold Everything" catalog.
But that doesn't mean I'm empty.
I care about things.
Friends and family.
You have no right to judge me! You don't even know me! The poem is not about you.
What? "The Empty vase" is not about you.
My baby preciosa.
You make me so sad that you would think this.
I'm sorry.
It's.
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My friend Phoebe said-- It's about all women.
Well.
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all American women.
You feel better now? All right, let's do it.
What was that? It's the best I could get out of them.
Well, people! People, people, people! Let's try it again.
And this time, everybody watch Joey.
Show 'em how it's done.
Count it off, Mack.
Did you have fun at the bachelor party last night? Look what I got! See, she's dressed, right? And then you click it, and uh-oh, she's naked! And then you click it again and she's dressed.
She's a business woman walking down the street.
She's window shopping, and oh, she's naked! I'm gonna spend some alone time with the pen.
I'm sorry.
I was an idiot.
A big idiot.
A big idiot.
It's just, you have to realize.
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this Mark thing is hard for me.
Why is it hard? We've been together for almost a year now.
Well, I was with Carol for, like, eight years.
And I lost her.
And now, if it's possible, I think I love you even more.
So it's hard for me to believe I'm not gonna.
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well, that someone else isn't gonna take you away.
Let it be me.
Let it be me! Honey, that's very sweet.
It just seems to me, though, that if two people love each other.
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and trust each other, like we do.
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there's no reason to be jealous.
I gotta get going.
Bye, Chandler.
This pen's getting kind of boring.
Can you pick me up some porn? Where you going? I've gotta go pick up Ben for a play-date this afternoon.
With who? Just this woman I met last night at the party.
There was a woman at--? The stripper? You have a play-date with a stripper? Man, I gotta get a kid! We started talking after she did her thing.
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and she's got a boy about Ben's age.
So we're gonna take the kids to a Gymboree class.
-Is that okay? -Sure.
Is she married? Are you jealous? I just don't see why she has to play with you.
I mean, doesn't she have any other stripper-mom friends of her own? You are totally jealous! I'm not jealous.
This is about.
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people feeling certain things.
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you know, about.
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strippers.
And, you know.
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I love you too.
Bye.
Wait, wait, wait! What? Well, there's a kiss he won't forget for a few hours.
Either that or you just turned him on and sent him to a stripper.
Is there a Julio here? I am Julio.
Mr.
Pretentious You think there's no one finer Your poems are unpublished And you work in a diner You're no God's gift to women That's all in your head You are just a butt-munch No one likes a butt-munch! And you're also bad in bed