Friends s04e11 Episode Script

I can't believe my little brother's married! Why didn't you tell me you were eloping? Well, we were at court, eating lunch Why were you at the courthouse? We were having lunch.
We were like we're here, we're having lunch.
Let's get married! Right? A year ago, I didn't know I had a brother.
Now I have a sister! Oh, it's so great.
Okay.
Okay.
Stop it! Don't! I'll get you a gift now.
Is there anything you need? We've been trying to get pregnant since we got engaged, to get a jump on things.
No one's getting any younger.
Because the thing is, we're not able to, you know, conceive.
We've seen a bunch of doctors.
They say that our only chance to have a baby is that if they take my sperm, her egg, put it together in a dish and put it into another girl.
We were wondering if you could be that girl.
That's a really nice gift.
I was thinking of a gravy boat.
We know it's a lot to ask.
We don't have anyone else to go to.
We could pay someone but we don't have that kind of money.
Plus, you know, you're family and, you know I just don't want my baby to grow into some chick I don't know, you know? Don't give us an answer yet, think about it.
And if you say no, we'll totally understand.
Okay.
Okay.
And we were wondering if you could give us a ride down to the train station.
Well, actually, we kind of need an answer to that one right now.
The One with Phoebe's Uterus Check it out! Guess what job I just got.
I don't know, but Donald Trump wants his blue blazer black.
What? Blue blazer back.
He wants it back.
You said "black.
" Why would he want his blue blazer black? Well, you know what I meant.
You messed it up.
You're stupid.
So, what job did you get? Tour guide at the museum.
Ross got it for me.
Don't you have to be a dinosaur expert? They give you all the information.
It's like memorizing a script.
On your left you have a tyrannosaurus rex, from the Jurassic Period.
Very nice.
Yeah, actually, Joey, it's the Cretaceous Period.
But I can pronounce Jurassic.
Frank Jr.
and Alice got married! Oh, my God! They're having a baby! They want me to grow it for them in my uterus! -My God! -Are you serious? You're thinking of having sex with your brother? Ew! And, oh, no! They want me to be the surrogate.
It's her egg and his sperm.
I'm the oven.
It's their bun.
What did you say? I had to think about it first, but what is there to think of? I'll be giving someone the greatest gift.
You'll carry their child and get them a Sony PlayStation? This is an incredible thing to do.
But there are things to think about.
Yeah, you'd be pregnant.
I mean, pregnant.
I know.
You'll put your body through an awful lot.
I mean, morning sickness, labor.
It's all for somebody else.
Yeah.
What's your point? Well, the stuff I just mentioned.
I couldn't do that.
I always figured the first time I had a baby, it'd be with someone I love.
And that baby was, you know a keeper.
You were more supportive when I wanted to make denim furniture.
If you decide to do this, we'll be supportive like crazy.
Just think it through.
Talk to somebody who's had a baby.
Like your mom.
My mom never gave birth.
Oh! But my birth mom did! I love this tushy! Can I take it to work with me? Yeah, sure.
It's not mine anyway.
It came with the pants.
I am so jealous.
You guys are just right there.
Yes.
Right where? The beginning, where it's all sex and talking and sex and talking.
You got to love the talking.
-And the sex? -We haven't had sex.
What's the big deal? This is special.
I want our love to grow before moving to the next level.
Oh, Chandler, that is so nice.
That is really nice Iying! -No way is that the reason.
-Why? Because you're not mature enough to understand that? He's right.
I'm totally lying.
Then what is it? Kathy's last boyfriend was Joey.
And you're afraid you won't be able to fill his shoes? I'm afraid I won't make love as well as him.
-I was going for the metaphor.
-I was saying the actual words.
He's had a lot of girlfriends.
Doesn't mean he's great in bed.
We share a wall.
Either he's great, or she liked to agree with him a lot.
Loudly and a lot.
All night long she'd agree.
It'll be different.
The sex will be great because you're in love.
-Just go for it.
-Yeah, you should.
All right.
I'll sleep with my girlfriend.
But I'm just doing it for you guys.
Now, the mastodon is from the semi-late Jurassic Period.
Isn't the mastodon from the Pliocene Epoch? This is a museum.
No talking.
Right down here we have a large foot.
And over here we have Ross Geller.
Everyone wave "hi" to Ross.
Ross is one of our scientists.
Look at him hard at work.
Okay, moving right along.
Come on.
It's open.
Come in.
-I'm sorry I'm late.
-That's okay.
I had time to finish glazing my nipples.
You go all out when you're expecting company.
I was working on my pottery.
Oh! I didn't know that you did pot.
Mostly nudes.
It combines my two passions: pottery and erotica.
Erottery! Thanks for coming out to see me.
I thought it'd be a good idea to talk about this baby stuff in person.
I don't think it's a good idea.
Why not? You'd be giving up a baby.
And I really don't I don't know if anything I said would make you understand the pain of giving up a baby.
No, no, I understand the pain.
Don't hurt the puppy! No, no.
The puppy is yours.
-I get a puppy? -But for only three days.
Why? I realize I don't have any right to start getting parent-y on you now.
Look at me and not the puppy.
It's very important.
I know what I'm talking about.
I gave up two babies.
I only wish I had someone who'd given up babies that told me how terrible it is.
I really shouldn't have given you the puppy first.
That's okay.
No, we're listening.
It'd be something you'd regret every day for the rest of your life.
So however hard it is for you to give up this puppy it'd be a million times harder to give up a child.
Okay, fair enough.
Three days.
Oh, it's time to take my ass out of the kiln.
Could you sit there? I'm saving this seat for my friend Ross.
You mean Dr.
Geller? Doctor? I didn't know he had a nickname.
Oh, he won't sit here.
Only people in white coats sit there.
Only people in blue blazers sit here.
-How come? -That's just the way it is.
That's crazy.
Maybe it's crazy in a perfect world: a world without lab coats and blazers.
But you not in a perfect world.
You in a museum now.
See that scientist? He and I used to play together in grade school, but now.
Peter! Hey, Peter! It's me! Rhonda, from P.
S.
129? I shared my pudding with you, man! I gave you my Snack Pack! See? He pretend he don't even hear me! Everyone's pretending they don't hear you.
I don't know about your jackets and separate tables but Ross is my friend.
And if I save him a seat, he will sit in it.
Here! I saved you a seat! I'm cool here.
I'll catch up with you later.
This is saved.
Gift shop.
I'm really, really sorry about what happened in the cafeteria today.
You do what you got to do.
The scientists and the tour guides never sit together.
Whatever.
It's like that everywhere.
Mon, back me up.
Where you work, the waiters eat with the waiters.
And the chefs eat with the other chefs? I eat by myself in the alley, because everybody hates me.
Okay, Rach, when was the last time you had lunch with the shipping clerks? I've never had lunch with the shipping clerks but it's totally different.
They're not allowed in the executive cafeteria.
Oh, I see what you're saying.
Look, Ross.
It's no big deal.
You wear a white coat.
I wear a blue blazer.
If that means we can't be friends at work, so be it.
I understand, you know? When I'm in a play and you're in the audience, I don't talk to you.
So it's, you know, it's cool.
I'll see you tomorrow.
When we're in the audience, he doesn't talk but he does wave.
Who's my puppy? Who's my puppy? Who's my puppy? -Have you named him yet? -No, I don't want to get attached.
-Can I hold him? -Sure.
Here.
-Come here, squirmy.
Hello -Not like that.
No.
Why's Phoebe singing to Karl Malden? I think it's time for puppy to go out again.
Come on, let's go to the balcony.
The street.
Come on, let's go to the street.
Don't go on the balcony until after I get back.
So did you do it? Yes, yes, we had the sex.
It was bad? It was fine, but she didn't agree with me as strongly as with Joey.
She was like, "l see your point.
I'm all right with it.
" There's not always a lot of agreement the first time.
Yeah.
Not for girls, anyway.
Guys agree like that.
Look, you have to help me.
I mean.
I know what to do with a woman.
It's always nice.
I need to know what makes it go from nice to: "My God! Somebody's killing her in there!" I'll show you something a lot of guys don't know.
All right.
Now.
You don't have to draw an actual Whoa, she's hot! Everyone knows the erogenous zones.
You got one, two, three four five, six and seven.
There are seven? Let me see that.
Oh, yeah.
That's one? Kind of an important one.
I was looking at it upside down.
Well, you know, sometimes that helps.
Most guys will hit one, two, three and then go to seven and set up camp.
That's bad? At Disneyland, you don't spend the whole day on the Matterhorn.
You might if it were like seven.
All right, the important thing is to take your time.
You want to hit them all mix them up.
Keep them on their toes.
Oh, toes! For some people.
All right.
You could start out with a little one.
A two.
A one, two, three.
A three.
A five.
A four.
A three, two.
Two.
A two, four, six.
Two, four, six.
Four.
Two.
Two.
Four, seven! Five, seven! Six, seven! Seven! Seven! Seven! Seven! Seven! Seven! Seven! Seven! Seven! And there you are.
Yeah, that'll work.
Dr.
Geller? There's a seat here.
Thank you, Dr.
Phillips.
But I'm having my lunch at this table.
Here in the middle.
I'm having my lunch right here with my good friend, Joey.
If he'll sit with me.
I will sit with you, Dr.
Geller.
You know we work in a museum of natural history.
And yet, there is something unnatural about the way we eat lunch.
Now, I want you to know it took a tour guide to show this scientist the error of his ways.
You might even say he took me on a tour of myself.
Yeah, that was me.
I look around, and you know what I see? I see division.
Division between people in white coats and people in blue blazers.
I ask myself, "My God, why?" Now, I say we shed these coats that separate us.
And we get to know the people underneath.
I'm Ross! I'm divorced and I have a kid! I'm Joey! I'm an actor! I don't know squat about dinosaurs! I'm Ted, and I just moved here, and New York really scares me.
-There you go! -Hang in there, Teddy! I'm Andrew.
And I didn't pay for this pear.
Okay.
Good for you.
I'm Rhonda! And these aren't real! Wow, Rhonda.
-I'm Scott.
-Yeah, okay, Scott! I flip the light switch on and off or my family will die.
My mom's gonna be here any minute.
I can't.
I can't give him up.
Yes, no.
I can.
I don't want to.
But I can.
No.
I can't watch this.
It's like Sophie's Choice.
You know, I never saw that.
Oh, it was only okay.
I can't do this.
My mom was right.
If I can't give him up there's no way I can give up a baby.
Frank and Alice are going to be so crushed.
What else can I give them? A kidney! We were in the neighborhood.
We want to let you know that there's still no pressure.
If there was something you wanted to say, we'll be right there.
Who's this little guy? He's so cute! He reminds me of my old dog, Tumor.
You are so precious, I could take you home.
Why don't you? -Are you serious? -Yeah.
Thanks.
-What are you doing? -I'm okay with this.
You know why? Because look at them.
Look how happy they are.
And I made that, so you know.
It'll be a million times harder to give up a baby, but oh, my God! It'll feel a million times better, right? I'll do this.
I want to carry your baby.
Thank you so much! You don't know what this means to us.
I think I'm going to cry! It's going to be so great.
-What's going on? -I gave them the puppy.
It made them so happy, I decided to carry their baby.
-Phoebe -No, I know.
We're different, though.
This is a different situation.
I am not going to regret this.
I understand all that.
It's just, that was my puppy.
Would you ever be a surrogate? Depends who asked.
What if I asked? Oh, Mon, sure! -Really? -Yes.
You're not asking me, are you? -No.
-Yes.
Totally.
Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Yes, thank you!