Friends s04e17 Episode Script

Oh, man! -What's that? -Treeger's snaking the shower drain.
What in the name of hell? Maybe he found your flip-flop.
Is this porn? I must have hit something on the remote.
Do we pay for this? We didn't even pay our cable bill.
Maybe this is how they punish us.
Maybe we shouldn't pay our phone bill.
Free phone sex.
Maybe we shouldn't pay our gas bill.
Hey, that lady's all kinds of naked.
Joey pressed something on the remote and it just came on.
It happened to me once.
It was like finding money.
Finding money with naked people on it! But I made the mistake of turning off the TV.
I never got it back again.
And I'm sad.
Why would he turn off the TV? The One with the Free Porn Do we really have to watch this while we eat? We don't know what could make this go away.
So no one touches the remote, and no one touches the TV.
And no one touches the air around the TV.
Imagine a protective porn bubble, if you will.
I'm at least going to mute it.
We still have porn.
What are you doing? That's too heavy.
Give it here.
Oh, God.
I'm too pregnant for lugging around a stupid massage table.
I need a job with a smaller table.
Or a job without a table.
You mean, like a doctor? You're blocking the porn! That reminds me.
I have to see my ob-gyn today.
Emily just went to the airport.
Why didn't you take her? Her uncle had planned to do it.
We said our goodbyes this morning.
You must feel horrible.
Hey, the guys have free porn.
Hey, cheer up.
You'll see her again, right? I don't know.
When I brought it up, she said "This is so fantastic.
Why talk about the future? -Let's enjoy" -Don't do the accent.
It really bums me out.
Emily said I was pretty good.
Well, that's someone you should hang on to.
You've got to see her again.
-Why do you care? -Because! You could live out my fantasy.
You had fantasies about Emily? You know, the fantasy.
Meet a foreigner, fall madly in love and spend your lives together.
Is that why you hung out with that Ukrainian kid in school? Yeah, plus his mom used to put sour cream on everything.
Do you love her? We said it would only be two weeks.
You love her.
What is love, really? I knew you loved her! You go to the airport and tell her.
You'll probably catch her at the gate.
You'll call her name and yell "l love you!" She'll say "l love you too!" Then you will have the most amazing kiss.
Everyone at the gate will applaud.
I am a good kisser.
Then you two can sneak into the cockpit.
Things will start to heat up.
And then a stewardess comes in.
I've been watching too much porn.
-ls that the heartbeat? -That's it.
Oh, my God! This is so cool! Have we talked about multiple births? Let's take care of this one.
If l get pregnant again, I have your card.
No, I'm getting three separate heartbeats.
You guys were worried I wouldn't even have one.
Doctors are wrong all the time.
Are you sure that there are three? -Definitely.
-Oh, my God.
So in a few months, I'll have three babies walking around inside me? It'll be like one of those log rides when they come shooting out.
Giving birth to three is like giving birth to one.
What do you know? -Have you ever had triplets? -No.
I'm sorry, I haven't.
I'm going to use this a lot.
How'd it go at the doctor's? You know how, when you're walking down the street and you see three people in a row.
And you say "Oh, that's nice.
" Good news! You'll have three babies.
Three babies? I've finally got my band! We'll have a big family! I always wanted a big family.
Oh, God, I'm so glad you're happy! I was afraid you'd be freaked.
Why would we be freaked? Because it's harder to raise them and the added expense.
Right.
No, back to happy.
Back to happy! It's going to be fine because I teach home ec.
I can have 30 kids making baby clothes all year long.
It'll be like my very own little sweatshop.
I was thinking, ever since you said we'd have triplets.
The best thing for me to do is drop out of college and get a job.
No, you can't quit college.
You're in college? Refrigerator college.
When we found out we were having a baby I figured I should have a career, you know? And I love refrigerators.
You can't give up on your dream! No, it's okay.
We're going to have three kids.
And that's a different kind of dream.
Three kids and no money.
This is the boarding call for flight 009.
What are you doing here? I had to see you before you took off.
You are so sweet.
That's a big candy bar.
I had the most amazing time with you.
Me too.
This is the final boarding call for flight 009.
Well, that's me.
Here, have this.
I'm only allowed one piece of carry-on.
Listen, I have to tell you something.
I've been thinking.
I'm just going to say it, okay? I think I love you.
Thank you.
It's no problem.
What is that song? It's the theme from Good Will Humping.
You know who doesn't like dirty movies? My boyfriend Joshua.
Yeah, right.
He said he prefers to leave certain things to the imagination.
Did he also say that the dialogue was corny? -And that he found it funny, not sexy? -Yes.
Yeah, he likes porn.
Where you going? To find out if he really thinks models are too skinny.
How'd it go? Frank has to quit college because his super-fertile sister's having three babies.
I need to make money fast.
I wanted to talk to you about an idea.
You work for a big company.
Insider trading.
What information can you give me? They don't talk to us about that stuff.
But I can get you free White-Out.
-Did you do what I said? -I did.
-What'd she say? -"Thank you.
" You're totally welcome.
What'd she say? She said, "Thank you.
" I said, "l love you.
" And she said, "Thank you.
" That's not right.
Did you say you love her? What were you trying to get her to do? -What do I do now? -You play hard-to-get.
She already lives in London.
So you go to Tokyo.
Forget it.
You told her you love her.
It's over.
It is not over! You're over! What? You know.
Good one.
It's not over.
She'll call and tell you she loves you.
Her feelings were so strong that it scared her.
Go home and wait for her call.
She could call from the plane.
But if she doesn't call, it is definitely over! Unless, eventually, I call her to see what's going on and she says she'll call me back, but then she doesn't.
Then it's over! Way to be strong! Can we watch cartoons on your TV? We need a porn break.
We spent two hours watching In and Out and In Again.
Why don't you turn it off? Then we'd be the guys who turned off free porn.
Yeah, but that's not what you'd go by.
Look, I'm going to have a kid someday.
Okay? And someday that kid is going to ask me if I ever turned off free porn.
I don't wanna have to tell him that I did.
Did you ever asked you dad that? I don't want to talk about it.
Good, you're here! What you got there? This? I'm glad you asked.
Don't you hate to cut a tin can with an ordinary steak knife? I know what you're thinking.
Pregnant woman slays four? -Did they make you pay for those knives? -No.
-Are you sure? -No.
You won't make enough money by selling knives.
I just need enough money for the second part of my plan.
-What's that? -My Saturn dealership.
Hello.
-Ross.
-Emily.
Hi.
How was your flight? It was dreadful.
It was terrible how I acted when you said those wonderful things.
No, that's all right.
I'm just glad you called.
Ross, there's something that I've got to tell you.
There's someone else.
Does that mean the same thing in England as it does in America? She doesn't know who she wants.
Me or this "Colin" guy.
So I told her when she figures it out, give me a call.
Maybe I'll still be around.
When you say "still around," you mean still around like you might be in a relationship or still around like you might have died waiting for the phone to ring? But it was so right.
This isn't how it's supposed to go.
There can't be another guy.
Of course, there's another guy! This is even more perfect.
You have to prove your love! I'm not proving anything.
I'm done listening to you.
If I hadn't let you talk me into this I wouldn't have put my fist through the wall.
You did that? I missed and hit the door.
But it opened really hard.
You have to go to London.
You have to go fight for her.
That makes sense.
You said you loved her, and she didn't say it back.
Then she told you about another guy.
Go to London.
Scare her! When Rachel was with Paolo, what did you do? I made fun of his accent.
You sat back and let him have her.
You didn't fight.
I just told you, I made fun of him behind his back.
Oh, I see.
-You want that to happen with Emily? -No.
All right then, go fight for her! It's like a snake pit.
That could be you and Emily.
That but nicer.
Go to London! Really? Surprise her.
Don't let her go without a fight.
All right.
I'm going to do it.
I'm going to London, and I'll fight for her.
Okay.
Good luck! Can you pick me up one of those Toblerone bars at the airport? I did it! I figured out a way to make money.
I'll open a massage place.
Frank will help me.
We'll work it around his schedule, so he doesn't have to quit school.
But how can you afford it? We were walking down the street, and we saw your van.
-And we realized -I'm telling it! People need transportation, and they need massages to relax.
We can combine the two.
I give massages and Frank drives.
I'll bolt a table in the van, and you know what I've got? A place that no one will get out of alive? Think about it.
It's a taxi that people take when they need to relax.
It's a Relaxi-Taxi! The name was my favorite part! -I came up with it.
-You did not! You came up with Relaxi-Cab.
That's not good.
Oh, my god! Are you in England? Was Emily surprised? No, she hasn't come home yet.
She hasn't been home all night.
She must be with the other guy.
I'm the stupid moron who spent the night here.
-What was that? -I just put my fist through another wall.
Tell the guys.
When is the next flight out? About four hours.
Stay there for a while.
If she doesn't show up, come home.
There's a girl at the restaurant that would be perfect for you.
Tell him about Relaxi-Taxi.
Ask him if he likes it better than Relaxi-Cab.
It's not Relaxi-Cab.
It's Relaxi-Cab.
Like Taxi-Cab.
That is better.
Do you have any 8's? No.
Are we in London? Why are you here? You can't be here.
I've come to talk to Ross.
What? Nothing.
I was going to call him You came to tell him you love him.
I knew it! I was right! I'm right, right? I'd rather talk to him.
I've been to his apartment and he's not there.
I need to talk to him.
Do you know where he is? Ross, are you there? Ross, I don't know if you hear this, but I'll talk anyway.
I'm in the States with your sister and friends.
It's all over with Colin.
I came here to tell you that and to tell you Yes, Joey, you can have all the chocolate you want.
I came here to tell you that I love you.
I love you too! I'll call you right now from the phone booth.
You can't hear me.
I wish I knew if you'd heard me.
I suppose I've given my neighbors a good laugh.
Mrs.
Newman, if you're listening, bugger off.
None of your business.
There's not much chance you did hear that.
There's the call waiting so I should go.
Oh, well.
Ross, I love you.
Thank you.
I was just at the bank.
There was this really hot teller and she didn't ask me to do it with her in the vault.
Same thing happened to me.
Pizza delivery girl comes over, gives me the pizza and leaves! No "Nice apartment, bet the bedrooms are huge"? Nothing! You know what? We have to turn off the porn.
I think you're right.
Ready? One, two, three.
That's kind of nice.
That's kind of a relief.
You want to see if we still have it? -Free porn! -We have free porn! There's one, two and three.
-Oh, my God.
-That's so beautiful.
-Oh, man.
-I can't believe it.
I know.
I like the middle one the best.
Don't worry, I won't let the other two know.