Get Smart (1965) s01e27 Episode Script
Ship of Spies (1)
HEY, MACK, HERE'S YOUR SOUP.
HEY, THIS ISN'T TOMATO SOUP.
NOW IT IS.
MY COMPLIMENTS TO THE CHEF.
- MIND IF I SIT DOWN? - YES.
THANK YOU.
CAREFUL, SOME OF IT'S GETTING IN YOUR MOUTH.
- WHAT'LL YOU HAVE? - BEER.
WHAT DID YOU FIND OUT, 86? - I THINK I'VE GOT A LEAD, CHIEF.
- HOLD IT.
GO AHEAD.
WHOEVER STOLE THE PLANS FOR THE NUCLEAR AMPHIBIAN BATTLESHIP IS GONNA SMUGGLE 'EM OUT OF THE COUNTRY TONIGHT.
- HOW'D YOU FIND THAT OUT? - I MADE CONTACT WITH AN INFORMER.
HE'S GONNA FIND OUT WHAT SHIP THEY'RE PLANNING TO USE.
HE SHOULD BE IN HERE ANY MINUTE.
- GOOD WORK, MAX.
- THERE'S ONLY ONE PROBLEM, CHIEF.
HE WON'T GIVE THE INFORMATION TO ME.
HE'S AFRAID THEY'RE SUSPICIOUS ALREADY, AND IF HE'S SEEN TALKING TO ME, HE'LL BE IN GREAT DANGER.
YOU GO BACK TO YOUR TABLE.
WHEN THE MAN COMES IN, YOU WHISTLE A COUPLE OF BARS OF "YANKEE DOODLE.
" I'LL MAKE THE CONTACT.
- RIGHT, CHIEF.
- YOU CAN WHISTLE, CAN'T YOU? OF COURSE I CAN WHISTLE.
ONE MORE THING, CHIEF, VERY IMPORTANT.
WHAT? DON'T ORDER THE TOMATO SOUP.
SING "YANKEE DOODLE.
" ( humming ) - LET'S SEE - WHAT'S THE MATTER, BUDDY? NOTHING, NOTHING.
I'M JUST TRYING TO REMEMBER HOW "YANKEE DOODLE" GOES.
( whistling ) Woman: WHAT DO YOU MEAN? LET ME ALONE! Chief: I'M SORRY, MADAM.
I'M SORRY.
DON'T "MADAM" ME.
I'LL CALL A COP! SORRY ABOUT THAT, CHIEF.
THAT WASN'T HIM.
I KNOW.
WOULD YOU LIKE TO HEAR "CLAIRE DE LUNE"? HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT? IT'S SNOWING.
( singing ) ( gunfire ) - ( patrons clamoring ) - ( man groaning ) ( clip-clopping footsteps ) WHO DID THIS? CAN YOU TELL US? - WHO STOLE THE PLANS? - ( panting ) DRINK, PLEASE.
DRINK.
HERE YOU ARE, FELLA.
DRINK THIS MILK.
IS IT REGULAR OR SKIM? IT'S REGULAR.
GO AHEAD, DRINK IT.
STRICT DIET.
ONLY DRINK SKIM.
CAN'T YOU TELL US ANYTHING? EVENING STAR SAILS AT MIDNIGHT.
HE'S DEAD, MAX.
- DO YOU KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS? - YES, CHIEF.
TOO MUCH DIETING CAN BE A VERY DANGEROUS THING.
( theme music playing ) DON'T RELEASE THEM UNTIL YOU'VE RUN A SECURITY CHECK ON ALL OF THEM.
WATCH THE DOOR, LARRABEE.
YOU KNOW, CHIEF, I'LL NEVER FORGET THE SOUND THAT KILLER MADE WHEN HE WALKED AWAY.
I'LL RECOGNIZE IT IMMEDIATELY THE NEXT TIME I HEAR IT.
- WHAT WAS IT LIKE, MAX? - WELL, IT WAS A KIND OF A CLIP-CLOP, CLIP-CLOP.
LIKE A MAN WITH A SPECIAL SHOE? - OR A MAN WALKING WITH A CANE.
- OR A MAN WITH VERY LOOSE DENTURES.
LET'S GET ON WITH THE BRIEFING.
WE DON'T HAVE MUCH TIME.
- THE EVENING STAR SAILS IN ABOUT 15 MINUTES.
- OKAY, CHIEF.
FIRST OF ALL, SMART, THIS IS A MODEL OF THE SAME TYPE OF SHIP AS THE EVENING STAR.
PAY PARTICULAR ATTENTION TO THIS SECTION OF THE SHIP.
THIS IS THE PASSENGER SECTION.
IT'S AWFULLY SMALL, ISN'T IT? - IT'S A FREIGHTER, MAX.
- I DON'T CARE.
IT ONLY CARRIES HALF A DOZEN PASSENGERS.
WELL, WHAT ABOUT THE CARGO? THE EVENING STAR'S CARGO IS DIVIDED INTO TWO COMPARTMENTS.
IN THIS COMPARTMENT THERE ARE ABOUT 900 TONS OF BANANAS.
OH, BOY.
IF THIS WALL IN BETWEEN THE BANANAS AND THE OTHER COMPARTMENT EVER BREAKS DOWN, THERE WILL BE REAL TROUBLE.
WHY, WHAT'S IN THE OTHER COMPARTMENT? NOW WAIT A MINUTE, PROFESSOR PARKER.
HOW MANY BANANAS WOULD THAT BE TO A MONKEY? OH, WELL, THAT WOULD DEPEND ON HOW HUNGRY EACH MONKEY WOULD BE AND-- WOULDN'T IT ALSO DEPEND UPON HOW LARGE THE BANANAS WERE? GENTLEMEN, FORGET ABOUT THE MONKEYS.
THIS IS SOME SORT OF ZOOLOGICAL EXPEDITION.
NOW, MAX, WHEN YOU GET BEYOND THE THREE-MILE LIMIT, THIS CASE AUTOMATICALLY FALLS UNDER THE JURISDICTION OF OUR INTERNATIONAL CONTROL SECTION.
YOU'LL BE CONTACTED BY AN AGENT WHO'LL GIVE YOU FURTHER INSTRUCTIONS.
- HOW, CHIEF? - POSSIBLY WITH THIS.
OH, WELL, I CERTAINLY HOPE THE MESSAGE DOESN'T REACH ME.
OH, THIS IS NO ORDINARY GUN, SMART.
THIS IS A VERY CLEVERLY DISGUISED RADIO TELEPHONE.
HERE, LET ME SHOW YOU.
WHAT'S THE NUMBER ON YOUR HANDLE? OKAY, SIX FIVE TWO.
( rings ) - WHAT HAPPENS NOW? - BREAK IT AND TALK INTO THE HANDLE.
- HELLO.
- HELLO! OH, IS THAT YOU, PARKER? YES, INDEED.
IS THAT YOU, SMART? YES, HOW HAVE YOU BEEN? OH, JUST FINE AND YOU? OH, PRETTY GOOD.
CERTAINLY IS NICE TALKING TO YOU.
LISTEN, PARKER, THERE'S A QUESTION I'D LIKE TO ASK YOU.
- SHOOT.
- NOW-- - NOW ABOUT THE BANANAS.
IF EACH MONKEY-- - YOU'RE DOING IT AGAIN.
LET'S GET ON WITH THE BRIEFING.
RIGHT, CHIEF.
PARKER, THERE'S ONE THING THAT BOTHERS ME.
THIS MAKES AN AWFULLY LOUD RING.
WHAT IF YOU WANNA PHONE SOMEONE QUIETLY? WELL, USE YOUR SILENCER.
( knock on door ) I BROUGHT YOUR SUITCASES, MAX.
YOU'D BETTER HURRY.
IT'S ALMOST MIDNIGHT.
- RIGHT, 99.
- GET GOING, MAX.
I DON'T WANT YOU TO MISS THAT BOAT.
RIGHT, CHIEF.
DON'T WORRY.
I'LL DO THE JOB.
- GOOD LUCK, MAX.
- BE CAREFUL, MAX.
- RIGHT, 99.
- REMEMBER, MAX, FIND THEM AND BRING THEM BACK.
RIGHT, CHIEF.
CHIEF, WHAT AM I LOOKING FOR? THE PLANS FOR THE NUCLEAR AMPHIBIAN BATTLESHIP.
- OH, THE STOLEN BLUEPRINTS.
- WE DON'T KNOW IF THEY'RE BLUEPRINTS.
- THEY MAY HAVE BEEN REDUCED TO A DRAWING.
- THEY COULD BE ON MICROFILM.
WE DON'T KNOW WHAT SHAPE THEY'RE IN.
WE WANT YOU TO GET ONBOARD AND FIND THE PLANS BEFORE THE BOAT REACHES ITS DESTINATION.
- RIGHT, CHIEF.
- NOW DO YOU WANT ANYONE TO GO WITH YOU TO SHOW YOU WHERE THE EVENING STAR IS TIED UP? DON'T BE RIDICULOUS, CHIEF.
I KNOW THIS SECTION OF TOWN LIKE I KNOW THE BACK OF MY HAND.
CAN SOMEBODY SHOW ME TO THE BACK OF MY HAND? HI, 86.
WELCOME ABOARD.
THANK YOU.
NICE TO SEE THAT YOU'RE HERE BACKING ME UP.
HOW FAR OUT ARE WE? - OH, ABOUT 20 MILES.
- HOW CAN YOU TELL? THIS IS MY FIFTH TRIP.
YOU GET SO YOU CAN RECOGNIZE THE SIGNS.
TEMPERATURE OF THE WATER, THE KIND OF SEAGULLS, THE NUMBER OF FISH AROUND.
ARE THERE FISH DOWN THERE? SURE, TAKE A LOOK.
OH, YES, I SEE THEM.
QUITE OF BIT OF THEM TOO.
- WHAT ARE THEY? - SHARKS.
IT'S NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT.
THEY'RE JUST WAITING AROUND FOR SOMETHING TO EAT.
- LIKE WHAT? - LIKE ME.
TRY TO KEEP UP YOUR NERVE, 44.
AFTER ALL, YOU ARE A CONTROL AGENT.
SURE, THAT'S EASY FOR YOU TO SAY.
LOOK WHAT YOU'VE GOT-- NICE DRY CLOTHES, GOOD FOOD, NICE WARM STATEROOM.
- LOOK WHERE I'VE GOT TO STAY.
- WHERE? IN THE CARGO HOLD.
WITH THE BANANAS AND THE MONKEYS? THAT'S WHERE I'LL BE DURING THE DAY DISGUISED AS ONE OF THEM.
YOU'RE DISGUISING YOURSELF AS A BANANA? NO, AS A MONKEY.
WELL, I'D BETTER BE GETTING BACK THERE.
- THEY'RE SAVING MY DINNER FOR ME.
- OH, WHAT ARE YOU HAVING? I THINK IT'S CABBAGE TONIGHT.
CABBAGE? WELL, THAT'S NOT SO GOOD.
DON'T WORRY, 44.
I'LL TRY AND SMUGGLE SOMETHING DOWN FROM THE PASSENGERS' TABLE FOR YOU.
I DON'T MIND EATING WITH THE MONKEYS.
ANYWAY, SOME OF US HAVE GOTTEN TOGETHER.
WE'RE TRYING TO BREAK THROUGH TO THE BANANAS.
WELL, GOOD LUCK.
I HOPE YOU MAKE IT.
OH, ONE MORE THING, 44.
DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA ABOUT SUSPECTS? YOU MEAN SOMEONE WHO MIGHT HAVE SMUGGLED THE PLANS - FOR THE NUCLEAR AMPHIBIAN BATTLESHIP ONBOARD? - EXACTLY.
I'VE BEEN ON THE JOB, 86.
I GOT A LIST RIGHT HERE OF ALL POSSIBLE SUSPECTS.
CAREFUL, 44! - THAT WAS A CLOSE ONE.
- YES.
YOU ALMOST DROPPED THE LIST.
WELL, NOW LET'S SEE.
THIS SHOULD NARROW THE SUSPECTS DOWN QUITE A BIT.
- WELL, I'LL SEE YOU LATER, 44.
- RIGHT.
THIS LOOKS LIKE THE COMPLETE PASSENGER LIST.
IT IS.
DON'T YOU KNOW WHAT THEY CALL THIS FREIGHTER? - WHAT? - SHIP OF SPIES.
WELL, HANG ON, 44.
OH! SORRY ABOUT THAT.
( clip-clopping footsteps ) ( lock jiggling ) I'M AFRAID WE HAVEN'T BEEN PROPERLY INTRODUCED, SENOR.
OH, FORGIVE ME.
MY NAME IS MAXWELL SMART.
MY NAME IS CONSUELA JUANITA DOROTEA MARQUITA MERENDEZ.
OH, THIS IS JUST A WILD GUESS.
BUT YOU'RE NOT AMERICAN, ARE YOU? HOW VERY OBSERVANT OF YOU, MR.
SMART.
YES, WELL, WE'RE TRAINED TO BE OBSERVANT, MISS MERENDEZ.
OR SHOULD I CALL YOU FRAULEIN? I AM SPANISH, MR.
SMART.
OH, WELL, THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN MY NEXT GUESS.
- WELL, I THINK YOU CAN RELEASE ME NOW.
- OH.
I WONDER IF YOU CAN TELL ME WHY YOU'VE BEEN WANDERING AROUND THIS SHIP - IN YOUR NIGHTGOWN.
- THIS IS NOT MY NIGHTGOWN, MR.
SMART.
IT IS MY COSTUME.
I AM A PROFESSIONAL DANCER.
I HAVE BEEN EMPLOYED TO ENTERTAIN THE PASSENGERS.
HAVE YOU ALSO BEEN EMPLOYED TO ENTER OTHER PEOPLE'S STATEROOMS? ALL THOSE CABINS AND CORRIDORS LOOK SO MUCH ALIKE, I THOUGHT THIS WAS MY CABIN.
- 'TIS AN EASY MISTAKE TO MAKE.
- I SEE.
PERHAPS YOU WILL MAKE THE SAME MISTAKE SOME NIGHT, MR.
SMART.
I DOUBT THAT.
I HAVE AN UNCANNY SENSE OF DIRECTION.
OF COURSE, NONE OF US ARE INFALLIBLE.
ONE MOMENT, MISS MERENDEZ.
SI, SENOR SMART.
ONE QUESTION BEFORE YOU LEAVE.
THAT CLIP-CLOP NOISE I HEARD IN THE CORRIDOR JUST BEFORE YOU CAME IN YOU MEAN THIS, SENOR SMART? ( plays castanets ) SO THAT WAS IT.
IT IS MY CASTANETS.
( clip-clopping footsteps ) ( lock jiggling ) ( knocks ) THERE'S ONLY ONE WAY TO BREAK THIS HOLD.
THAT'S THE WAY.
- 99! - OH, MAX.
I'M TERRIBLY SORRY.
BUT I HEARD THAT CLIP-CLOP NOISE YOU WERE TELLING US ABOUT, AND I OPENED THE DOOR TO SEE WHO IT WAS AND YOU CAME IN.
YES, WELL, THAT CLIP-CLOP NOISE IS MADE BY THAT MAN ACROSS THE HALL.
I WANNA USE YOUR CABIN TO GET A RUNNING START - AND BREAK HIS DOOR DOWN.
- RIGHT.
OKAY, READY, SET, GO! WAIT A MINUTE, 99.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING ONBOARD? THIS IS MY CASE.
OH, WELL, I HAD THIS TWO WEEKS VACATION COMING, AND THERE WAS AN EXTRA CABIN, AND SO HERE I AM.
WELL, THIS ISN'T A VERY GOOD PLACE FOR A VACATION.
ARE YOU READY? SET, GO! WAIT A MINUTE, 99.
ARE YOU SURE THE CHIEF DIDN'T SEND YOU HERE - TO BACK ME UP? - OF COURSE NOT, MAX.
- THE CHIEF KNOWS YOU CAN TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF.
- GOOD.
- READY, SET, GO! - WAIT A MINUTE, MAX.
BEFORE YOU GO, DON'T YOU THINK YOU OUGHTA SPEAK TO CAPTAIN GROMAN? WHY, IS HE GOOD AT BREAKING DOWN DOORS? NO, MAX, BUT AFTER ALL, THIS IS HIS SHIP.
- YES, WELL, HAVE YOU MET THE CAPTAIN YET? - NO.
WELL, I'LL TELL YOU WHAT-- LOOK UP IN THE CONTROL FILES - AND SEE IF WE'VE GOT ANYTHING ON HIM.
- RIGHT.
RIGHT HERE, MAX.
"CAPTAIN HARVEY WOLF GROMAN.
" WOLF? IS THAT WHAT THE CREW CALLS HIM? NO, WOLF IS HIS GIVEN NAME.
THE CREW CALLS HIM HARVEY.
"HE'S SEEN OVER 30 YEARS MARITIME EXPERIENCE.
HE'S LOST TWO SHIPS IN THE LAST WAR.
" ALLIED OR ENEMY? - ONE OF EACH.
- A MAN OF DIVIDED LOYALTIES.
"HE HAS ONLY ONE FRIEND WHO'S AN ORIENTAL AND ACTS AS HIS BODYGUARD.
" YES, WELL, I'LL TRY AND GET A LOOK AT BOTH OF THEM LATER.
- RIGHT NOW I WANNA BREAK THIS GUY'S DOOR DOWN.
- RIGHT.
READY SET, GO! ( glass shatters ) MAX, MAX-- OH! ( clip-clopping footsteps ) MAX, WHERE ARE YOU? MAX! HERE WE GO.
- 99.
- WHAT, MAX? YOU DON'T SUPPOSE WHEN YOU PULLED ME, YOU MIGHT HAVE TORN ME IN HALF, DO YOU? MAX, WHOEVER DID THIS HIT ME AND LEFT THE CABIN JUST AFTER WE ARRIVED.
I HEARD A CLIP-CLOP GO DOWN THE HALLWAY.
- YOU THINK HE'S DEAD? - YES.
- WHAT DO YOU THINK? - YES.
NO.
WELL, THAT'S TWO FOR AND ONE AGAINST.
MAX, HE'S STILL ALIVE.
- WHO ARE YOU? - INSPECTOR SEHOKIAN, ARMENIAN BRANCH, INTERNATIONAL CONTROL.
WHO DID THIS? CANNOT GIVE YOU HIS-- HOW YOU SAY? - NAME.
- IDENTITY.
WE'D BETTER GET HIM A DOCTOR.
NO TIME.
MUST TALK BEFORE I BEFORE I - HOW DO YOU SAY? - DIE.
SUCCUMB.
THE MAN WHO DID THIS WHO-- HOW DO YOU SAY? - STABBED YOU.
- ATTACKED ME.
HE-- HE KNEW I HAVE UNCOVERED - HOW DO YOU SAY? - INFORMATION? - EVIDENCE.
- BUT PLEASE, NO BUTS.
THE PLANS, THEY ARE NOT PLANS.
THEY ARE - MAX, HE'S - DEAD.
DECEASED.
WHAT DID HE MEAN THE PLANS ARE NOT PLANS? I DON'T KNOW, 99, BUT WE'VE GOTTA GET THIS INFORMATION TO CONTROL.
- RIGHT.
MAX, LISTEN.
- ( clip-clopping footsteps ) HE MAKES THAT CLIP-CLOP NOISE, TOO.
YES, IF THIS KEEPS UP, THAT CLIP-CLOP NOISE IS GONNA MAKE THE TOP OF THE CHARTS.
- WHO IS THAT MAN? - WELL, ACCORDING TO THE PASSENGER LIST, HIS NAME IS HECTOR BACCARDO.
HE'S THE FAMOUS PORTUGUESE POLO PLAYER.
I KNOW THIS IS A STUPID QUESTION, 99, BUT HOW DOES HE PLAY POLO? WITH GREAT DIFFICULTY.
I KNEW IT WAS A STUPID QUESTION.
HE MUST HAVE JUST COME FROM UP ON DECK.
- WE'D BETTER KEEP AN EYE ON HIM.
- RIGHT.
I'M GOING UP ON DECK.
- WHOEVER MURDERED INSPECTOR-- HOW DO YOU SAY? - SEHOKIAN.
SEHOKIAN.
WHOEVER MURDERED HIM MAY BE UP THERE.
- I'M GOING WITH YOU, MAX.
- NO, YOU'RE GOING RIGHT BACK TO YOUR CABIN.
- IF I NEED YOU, I'LL CALL YOU ON THIS.
- THE PISTOL PHONE? RIGHT, AND, 99, PLEASE BE CAREFUL.
- THERE HAVE BEEN ENOUGH KILLINGS FOR ONE DAY.
- OH, MAX, FOR THE FIRST TIME, I REALLY FEEL AFRAID.
FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER OR FOR THE FIRST TIME TODAY? FOR THE FIRST TIME SINCE YOU AND I HAVE BEEN WORKING TOGETHER.
LISTEN, 99, JUST REMEMBER THIS-- A COWARD IS A FRIGHTENED MAN WHO'S SCARED TO BE BRAVE, BUT A BRAVE MAN IS ONLY A COWARD WHO ISN'T SCARED TO BE FRIGHTENED.
OH, THANK YOU, MAX.
I'LL REMEMBER THAT.
- ARE YOU READY? - YES.
( clears throat ) ( phone rings ) - HELLO.
- MAX, YOU ALL RIGHT? - YES, I'M ALL RIGHT, 99.
- WHAT'S HAPPENING, MAX? WELL, I CAN SEE A LIGHT.
- What is it? - Max: IT MUST BE THE BRIDGE.
I CAN JUST BARELY MAKE OUT SOMEONE STANDING UP THERE.
THAT MUST BE CAPTAIN GROMAN.
WELL, NOW THERE'S SOMEONE STANDING RIGHT NEXT TO HIM.
That must be Captain Groman's Oriental servant.
SO THAT'S GROMAN'S CHINESE.
- NOW WHAT'S HAPPENING, MAX? - NOTHING, 99.
I DON'T THINK THERE'S ANYONE UP HERE BESIDES ME.
( clip-clopping footsteps ) - WAIT A MINUTE.
- What is it? THAT NOISE, THAT CLIP-CLOP.
I HEAR IT.
- WHAT IS IT, MAX? WHAT'S HAPPENING? - SHH! HAVE TO HANG UP NOW.
- I MAY HAVE TO FIRE MY PHONE.
- RIGHT.
( gunshot ) ( gunshots continue ) MAX, WHAT'S HAPPENING? ANSWER ME.
LISTEN, 99, THIS MAY BE A LITTLE OPTIMISTIC, BUT IF I CAN HOLD OUT UNTIL MORNING, - AT LEAST I CAN SEE WHO'S SHOOTING AT ME.
- ( gunshot ) - MAX, DO YOU NEED HELP? - NO NO, I WOULDN'T COME UP HERE, 99.
- ( gunshot ) - IT'S A ROTTEN NIGHT.
HOLD ON, MAX.
I'M COMING RIGHT UP.
MAX, IS IT VERY COLD UP THERE? - ( gunshot ) - NO, BUT IT'S A LITTLE DAMP.
OH! MY DOOR'S LOCKED FROM THE OUTSIDE.
I CAN'T OPEN IT! ( screams ) MAX! MAX, WHERE ARE YOU? I'M DOWN HERE, 99! - WHERE, MAX? - IN THE WATER! WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO, MAX? HAVE YOU GOT THE CONTROL FILES HANDY? THEY'RE IN MY CABIN.
GET THEM! I'VE GOT THEM.
LOOK UP MY RECORD.
RIGHT HERE, MAX.
WHAT DO YOU WANT TO KNOW? DID I PASS THE CONTROL SWIMMING TEST? NO! ( theme music playing )
HEY, THIS ISN'T TOMATO SOUP.
NOW IT IS.
MY COMPLIMENTS TO THE CHEF.
- MIND IF I SIT DOWN? - YES.
THANK YOU.
CAREFUL, SOME OF IT'S GETTING IN YOUR MOUTH.
- WHAT'LL YOU HAVE? - BEER.
WHAT DID YOU FIND OUT, 86? - I THINK I'VE GOT A LEAD, CHIEF.
- HOLD IT.
GO AHEAD.
WHOEVER STOLE THE PLANS FOR THE NUCLEAR AMPHIBIAN BATTLESHIP IS GONNA SMUGGLE 'EM OUT OF THE COUNTRY TONIGHT.
- HOW'D YOU FIND THAT OUT? - I MADE CONTACT WITH AN INFORMER.
HE'S GONNA FIND OUT WHAT SHIP THEY'RE PLANNING TO USE.
HE SHOULD BE IN HERE ANY MINUTE.
- GOOD WORK, MAX.
- THERE'S ONLY ONE PROBLEM, CHIEF.
HE WON'T GIVE THE INFORMATION TO ME.
HE'S AFRAID THEY'RE SUSPICIOUS ALREADY, AND IF HE'S SEEN TALKING TO ME, HE'LL BE IN GREAT DANGER.
YOU GO BACK TO YOUR TABLE.
WHEN THE MAN COMES IN, YOU WHISTLE A COUPLE OF BARS OF "YANKEE DOODLE.
" I'LL MAKE THE CONTACT.
- RIGHT, CHIEF.
- YOU CAN WHISTLE, CAN'T YOU? OF COURSE I CAN WHISTLE.
ONE MORE THING, CHIEF, VERY IMPORTANT.
WHAT? DON'T ORDER THE TOMATO SOUP.
SING "YANKEE DOODLE.
" ( humming ) - LET'S SEE - WHAT'S THE MATTER, BUDDY? NOTHING, NOTHING.
I'M JUST TRYING TO REMEMBER HOW "YANKEE DOODLE" GOES.
( whistling ) Woman: WHAT DO YOU MEAN? LET ME ALONE! Chief: I'M SORRY, MADAM.
I'M SORRY.
DON'T "MADAM" ME.
I'LL CALL A COP! SORRY ABOUT THAT, CHIEF.
THAT WASN'T HIM.
I KNOW.
WOULD YOU LIKE TO HEAR "CLAIRE DE LUNE"? HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT? IT'S SNOWING.
( singing ) ( gunfire ) - ( patrons clamoring ) - ( man groaning ) ( clip-clopping footsteps ) WHO DID THIS? CAN YOU TELL US? - WHO STOLE THE PLANS? - ( panting ) DRINK, PLEASE.
DRINK.
HERE YOU ARE, FELLA.
DRINK THIS MILK.
IS IT REGULAR OR SKIM? IT'S REGULAR.
GO AHEAD, DRINK IT.
STRICT DIET.
ONLY DRINK SKIM.
CAN'T YOU TELL US ANYTHING? EVENING STAR SAILS AT MIDNIGHT.
HE'S DEAD, MAX.
- DO YOU KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS? - YES, CHIEF.
TOO MUCH DIETING CAN BE A VERY DANGEROUS THING.
( theme music playing ) DON'T RELEASE THEM UNTIL YOU'VE RUN A SECURITY CHECK ON ALL OF THEM.
WATCH THE DOOR, LARRABEE.
YOU KNOW, CHIEF, I'LL NEVER FORGET THE SOUND THAT KILLER MADE WHEN HE WALKED AWAY.
I'LL RECOGNIZE IT IMMEDIATELY THE NEXT TIME I HEAR IT.
- WHAT WAS IT LIKE, MAX? - WELL, IT WAS A KIND OF A CLIP-CLOP, CLIP-CLOP.
LIKE A MAN WITH A SPECIAL SHOE? - OR A MAN WALKING WITH A CANE.
- OR A MAN WITH VERY LOOSE DENTURES.
LET'S GET ON WITH THE BRIEFING.
WE DON'T HAVE MUCH TIME.
- THE EVENING STAR SAILS IN ABOUT 15 MINUTES.
- OKAY, CHIEF.
FIRST OF ALL, SMART, THIS IS A MODEL OF THE SAME TYPE OF SHIP AS THE EVENING STAR.
PAY PARTICULAR ATTENTION TO THIS SECTION OF THE SHIP.
THIS IS THE PASSENGER SECTION.
IT'S AWFULLY SMALL, ISN'T IT? - IT'S A FREIGHTER, MAX.
- I DON'T CARE.
IT ONLY CARRIES HALF A DOZEN PASSENGERS.
WELL, WHAT ABOUT THE CARGO? THE EVENING STAR'S CARGO IS DIVIDED INTO TWO COMPARTMENTS.
IN THIS COMPARTMENT THERE ARE ABOUT 900 TONS OF BANANAS.
OH, BOY.
IF THIS WALL IN BETWEEN THE BANANAS AND THE OTHER COMPARTMENT EVER BREAKS DOWN, THERE WILL BE REAL TROUBLE.
WHY, WHAT'S IN THE OTHER COMPARTMENT? NOW WAIT A MINUTE, PROFESSOR PARKER.
HOW MANY BANANAS WOULD THAT BE TO A MONKEY? OH, WELL, THAT WOULD DEPEND ON HOW HUNGRY EACH MONKEY WOULD BE AND-- WOULDN'T IT ALSO DEPEND UPON HOW LARGE THE BANANAS WERE? GENTLEMEN, FORGET ABOUT THE MONKEYS.
THIS IS SOME SORT OF ZOOLOGICAL EXPEDITION.
NOW, MAX, WHEN YOU GET BEYOND THE THREE-MILE LIMIT, THIS CASE AUTOMATICALLY FALLS UNDER THE JURISDICTION OF OUR INTERNATIONAL CONTROL SECTION.
YOU'LL BE CONTACTED BY AN AGENT WHO'LL GIVE YOU FURTHER INSTRUCTIONS.
- HOW, CHIEF? - POSSIBLY WITH THIS.
OH, WELL, I CERTAINLY HOPE THE MESSAGE DOESN'T REACH ME.
OH, THIS IS NO ORDINARY GUN, SMART.
THIS IS A VERY CLEVERLY DISGUISED RADIO TELEPHONE.
HERE, LET ME SHOW YOU.
WHAT'S THE NUMBER ON YOUR HANDLE? OKAY, SIX FIVE TWO.
( rings ) - WHAT HAPPENS NOW? - BREAK IT AND TALK INTO THE HANDLE.
- HELLO.
- HELLO! OH, IS THAT YOU, PARKER? YES, INDEED.
IS THAT YOU, SMART? YES, HOW HAVE YOU BEEN? OH, JUST FINE AND YOU? OH, PRETTY GOOD.
CERTAINLY IS NICE TALKING TO YOU.
LISTEN, PARKER, THERE'S A QUESTION I'D LIKE TO ASK YOU.
- SHOOT.
- NOW-- - NOW ABOUT THE BANANAS.
IF EACH MONKEY-- - YOU'RE DOING IT AGAIN.
LET'S GET ON WITH THE BRIEFING.
RIGHT, CHIEF.
PARKER, THERE'S ONE THING THAT BOTHERS ME.
THIS MAKES AN AWFULLY LOUD RING.
WHAT IF YOU WANNA PHONE SOMEONE QUIETLY? WELL, USE YOUR SILENCER.
( knock on door ) I BROUGHT YOUR SUITCASES, MAX.
YOU'D BETTER HURRY.
IT'S ALMOST MIDNIGHT.
- RIGHT, 99.
- GET GOING, MAX.
I DON'T WANT YOU TO MISS THAT BOAT.
RIGHT, CHIEF.
DON'T WORRY.
I'LL DO THE JOB.
- GOOD LUCK, MAX.
- BE CAREFUL, MAX.
- RIGHT, 99.
- REMEMBER, MAX, FIND THEM AND BRING THEM BACK.
RIGHT, CHIEF.
CHIEF, WHAT AM I LOOKING FOR? THE PLANS FOR THE NUCLEAR AMPHIBIAN BATTLESHIP.
- OH, THE STOLEN BLUEPRINTS.
- WE DON'T KNOW IF THEY'RE BLUEPRINTS.
- THEY MAY HAVE BEEN REDUCED TO A DRAWING.
- THEY COULD BE ON MICROFILM.
WE DON'T KNOW WHAT SHAPE THEY'RE IN.
WE WANT YOU TO GET ONBOARD AND FIND THE PLANS BEFORE THE BOAT REACHES ITS DESTINATION.
- RIGHT, CHIEF.
- NOW DO YOU WANT ANYONE TO GO WITH YOU TO SHOW YOU WHERE THE EVENING STAR IS TIED UP? DON'T BE RIDICULOUS, CHIEF.
I KNOW THIS SECTION OF TOWN LIKE I KNOW THE BACK OF MY HAND.
CAN SOMEBODY SHOW ME TO THE BACK OF MY HAND? HI, 86.
WELCOME ABOARD.
THANK YOU.
NICE TO SEE THAT YOU'RE HERE BACKING ME UP.
HOW FAR OUT ARE WE? - OH, ABOUT 20 MILES.
- HOW CAN YOU TELL? THIS IS MY FIFTH TRIP.
YOU GET SO YOU CAN RECOGNIZE THE SIGNS.
TEMPERATURE OF THE WATER, THE KIND OF SEAGULLS, THE NUMBER OF FISH AROUND.
ARE THERE FISH DOWN THERE? SURE, TAKE A LOOK.
OH, YES, I SEE THEM.
QUITE OF BIT OF THEM TOO.
- WHAT ARE THEY? - SHARKS.
IT'S NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT.
THEY'RE JUST WAITING AROUND FOR SOMETHING TO EAT.
- LIKE WHAT? - LIKE ME.
TRY TO KEEP UP YOUR NERVE, 44.
AFTER ALL, YOU ARE A CONTROL AGENT.
SURE, THAT'S EASY FOR YOU TO SAY.
LOOK WHAT YOU'VE GOT-- NICE DRY CLOTHES, GOOD FOOD, NICE WARM STATEROOM.
- LOOK WHERE I'VE GOT TO STAY.
- WHERE? IN THE CARGO HOLD.
WITH THE BANANAS AND THE MONKEYS? THAT'S WHERE I'LL BE DURING THE DAY DISGUISED AS ONE OF THEM.
YOU'RE DISGUISING YOURSELF AS A BANANA? NO, AS A MONKEY.
WELL, I'D BETTER BE GETTING BACK THERE.
- THEY'RE SAVING MY DINNER FOR ME.
- OH, WHAT ARE YOU HAVING? I THINK IT'S CABBAGE TONIGHT.
CABBAGE? WELL, THAT'S NOT SO GOOD.
DON'T WORRY, 44.
I'LL TRY AND SMUGGLE SOMETHING DOWN FROM THE PASSENGERS' TABLE FOR YOU.
I DON'T MIND EATING WITH THE MONKEYS.
ANYWAY, SOME OF US HAVE GOTTEN TOGETHER.
WE'RE TRYING TO BREAK THROUGH TO THE BANANAS.
WELL, GOOD LUCK.
I HOPE YOU MAKE IT.
OH, ONE MORE THING, 44.
DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA ABOUT SUSPECTS? YOU MEAN SOMEONE WHO MIGHT HAVE SMUGGLED THE PLANS - FOR THE NUCLEAR AMPHIBIAN BATTLESHIP ONBOARD? - EXACTLY.
I'VE BEEN ON THE JOB, 86.
I GOT A LIST RIGHT HERE OF ALL POSSIBLE SUSPECTS.
CAREFUL, 44! - THAT WAS A CLOSE ONE.
- YES.
YOU ALMOST DROPPED THE LIST.
WELL, NOW LET'S SEE.
THIS SHOULD NARROW THE SUSPECTS DOWN QUITE A BIT.
- WELL, I'LL SEE YOU LATER, 44.
- RIGHT.
THIS LOOKS LIKE THE COMPLETE PASSENGER LIST.
IT IS.
DON'T YOU KNOW WHAT THEY CALL THIS FREIGHTER? - WHAT? - SHIP OF SPIES.
WELL, HANG ON, 44.
OH! SORRY ABOUT THAT.
( clip-clopping footsteps ) ( lock jiggling ) I'M AFRAID WE HAVEN'T BEEN PROPERLY INTRODUCED, SENOR.
OH, FORGIVE ME.
MY NAME IS MAXWELL SMART.
MY NAME IS CONSUELA JUANITA DOROTEA MARQUITA MERENDEZ.
OH, THIS IS JUST A WILD GUESS.
BUT YOU'RE NOT AMERICAN, ARE YOU? HOW VERY OBSERVANT OF YOU, MR.
SMART.
YES, WELL, WE'RE TRAINED TO BE OBSERVANT, MISS MERENDEZ.
OR SHOULD I CALL YOU FRAULEIN? I AM SPANISH, MR.
SMART.
OH, WELL, THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN MY NEXT GUESS.
- WELL, I THINK YOU CAN RELEASE ME NOW.
- OH.
I WONDER IF YOU CAN TELL ME WHY YOU'VE BEEN WANDERING AROUND THIS SHIP - IN YOUR NIGHTGOWN.
- THIS IS NOT MY NIGHTGOWN, MR.
SMART.
IT IS MY COSTUME.
I AM A PROFESSIONAL DANCER.
I HAVE BEEN EMPLOYED TO ENTERTAIN THE PASSENGERS.
HAVE YOU ALSO BEEN EMPLOYED TO ENTER OTHER PEOPLE'S STATEROOMS? ALL THOSE CABINS AND CORRIDORS LOOK SO MUCH ALIKE, I THOUGHT THIS WAS MY CABIN.
- 'TIS AN EASY MISTAKE TO MAKE.
- I SEE.
PERHAPS YOU WILL MAKE THE SAME MISTAKE SOME NIGHT, MR.
SMART.
I DOUBT THAT.
I HAVE AN UNCANNY SENSE OF DIRECTION.
OF COURSE, NONE OF US ARE INFALLIBLE.
ONE MOMENT, MISS MERENDEZ.
SI, SENOR SMART.
ONE QUESTION BEFORE YOU LEAVE.
THAT CLIP-CLOP NOISE I HEARD IN THE CORRIDOR JUST BEFORE YOU CAME IN YOU MEAN THIS, SENOR SMART? ( plays castanets ) SO THAT WAS IT.
IT IS MY CASTANETS.
( clip-clopping footsteps ) ( lock jiggling ) ( knocks ) THERE'S ONLY ONE WAY TO BREAK THIS HOLD.
THAT'S THE WAY.
- 99! - OH, MAX.
I'M TERRIBLY SORRY.
BUT I HEARD THAT CLIP-CLOP NOISE YOU WERE TELLING US ABOUT, AND I OPENED THE DOOR TO SEE WHO IT WAS AND YOU CAME IN.
YES, WELL, THAT CLIP-CLOP NOISE IS MADE BY THAT MAN ACROSS THE HALL.
I WANNA USE YOUR CABIN TO GET A RUNNING START - AND BREAK HIS DOOR DOWN.
- RIGHT.
OKAY, READY, SET, GO! WAIT A MINUTE, 99.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING ONBOARD? THIS IS MY CASE.
OH, WELL, I HAD THIS TWO WEEKS VACATION COMING, AND THERE WAS AN EXTRA CABIN, AND SO HERE I AM.
WELL, THIS ISN'T A VERY GOOD PLACE FOR A VACATION.
ARE YOU READY? SET, GO! WAIT A MINUTE, 99.
ARE YOU SURE THE CHIEF DIDN'T SEND YOU HERE - TO BACK ME UP? - OF COURSE NOT, MAX.
- THE CHIEF KNOWS YOU CAN TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF.
- GOOD.
- READY, SET, GO! - WAIT A MINUTE, MAX.
BEFORE YOU GO, DON'T YOU THINK YOU OUGHTA SPEAK TO CAPTAIN GROMAN? WHY, IS HE GOOD AT BREAKING DOWN DOORS? NO, MAX, BUT AFTER ALL, THIS IS HIS SHIP.
- YES, WELL, HAVE YOU MET THE CAPTAIN YET? - NO.
WELL, I'LL TELL YOU WHAT-- LOOK UP IN THE CONTROL FILES - AND SEE IF WE'VE GOT ANYTHING ON HIM.
- RIGHT.
RIGHT HERE, MAX.
"CAPTAIN HARVEY WOLF GROMAN.
" WOLF? IS THAT WHAT THE CREW CALLS HIM? NO, WOLF IS HIS GIVEN NAME.
THE CREW CALLS HIM HARVEY.
"HE'S SEEN OVER 30 YEARS MARITIME EXPERIENCE.
HE'S LOST TWO SHIPS IN THE LAST WAR.
" ALLIED OR ENEMY? - ONE OF EACH.
- A MAN OF DIVIDED LOYALTIES.
"HE HAS ONLY ONE FRIEND WHO'S AN ORIENTAL AND ACTS AS HIS BODYGUARD.
" YES, WELL, I'LL TRY AND GET A LOOK AT BOTH OF THEM LATER.
- RIGHT NOW I WANNA BREAK THIS GUY'S DOOR DOWN.
- RIGHT.
READY SET, GO! ( glass shatters ) MAX, MAX-- OH! ( clip-clopping footsteps ) MAX, WHERE ARE YOU? MAX! HERE WE GO.
- 99.
- WHAT, MAX? YOU DON'T SUPPOSE WHEN YOU PULLED ME, YOU MIGHT HAVE TORN ME IN HALF, DO YOU? MAX, WHOEVER DID THIS HIT ME AND LEFT THE CABIN JUST AFTER WE ARRIVED.
I HEARD A CLIP-CLOP GO DOWN THE HALLWAY.
- YOU THINK HE'S DEAD? - YES.
- WHAT DO YOU THINK? - YES.
NO.
WELL, THAT'S TWO FOR AND ONE AGAINST.
MAX, HE'S STILL ALIVE.
- WHO ARE YOU? - INSPECTOR SEHOKIAN, ARMENIAN BRANCH, INTERNATIONAL CONTROL.
WHO DID THIS? CANNOT GIVE YOU HIS-- HOW YOU SAY? - NAME.
- IDENTITY.
WE'D BETTER GET HIM A DOCTOR.
NO TIME.
MUST TALK BEFORE I BEFORE I - HOW DO YOU SAY? - DIE.
SUCCUMB.
THE MAN WHO DID THIS WHO-- HOW DO YOU SAY? - STABBED YOU.
- ATTACKED ME.
HE-- HE KNEW I HAVE UNCOVERED - HOW DO YOU SAY? - INFORMATION? - EVIDENCE.
- BUT PLEASE, NO BUTS.
THE PLANS, THEY ARE NOT PLANS.
THEY ARE - MAX, HE'S - DEAD.
DECEASED.
WHAT DID HE MEAN THE PLANS ARE NOT PLANS? I DON'T KNOW, 99, BUT WE'VE GOTTA GET THIS INFORMATION TO CONTROL.
- RIGHT.
MAX, LISTEN.
- ( clip-clopping footsteps ) HE MAKES THAT CLIP-CLOP NOISE, TOO.
YES, IF THIS KEEPS UP, THAT CLIP-CLOP NOISE IS GONNA MAKE THE TOP OF THE CHARTS.
- WHO IS THAT MAN? - WELL, ACCORDING TO THE PASSENGER LIST, HIS NAME IS HECTOR BACCARDO.
HE'S THE FAMOUS PORTUGUESE POLO PLAYER.
I KNOW THIS IS A STUPID QUESTION, 99, BUT HOW DOES HE PLAY POLO? WITH GREAT DIFFICULTY.
I KNEW IT WAS A STUPID QUESTION.
HE MUST HAVE JUST COME FROM UP ON DECK.
- WE'D BETTER KEEP AN EYE ON HIM.
- RIGHT.
I'M GOING UP ON DECK.
- WHOEVER MURDERED INSPECTOR-- HOW DO YOU SAY? - SEHOKIAN.
SEHOKIAN.
WHOEVER MURDERED HIM MAY BE UP THERE.
- I'M GOING WITH YOU, MAX.
- NO, YOU'RE GOING RIGHT BACK TO YOUR CABIN.
- IF I NEED YOU, I'LL CALL YOU ON THIS.
- THE PISTOL PHONE? RIGHT, AND, 99, PLEASE BE CAREFUL.
- THERE HAVE BEEN ENOUGH KILLINGS FOR ONE DAY.
- OH, MAX, FOR THE FIRST TIME, I REALLY FEEL AFRAID.
FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER OR FOR THE FIRST TIME TODAY? FOR THE FIRST TIME SINCE YOU AND I HAVE BEEN WORKING TOGETHER.
LISTEN, 99, JUST REMEMBER THIS-- A COWARD IS A FRIGHTENED MAN WHO'S SCARED TO BE BRAVE, BUT A BRAVE MAN IS ONLY A COWARD WHO ISN'T SCARED TO BE FRIGHTENED.
OH, THANK YOU, MAX.
I'LL REMEMBER THAT.
- ARE YOU READY? - YES.
( clears throat ) ( phone rings ) - HELLO.
- MAX, YOU ALL RIGHT? - YES, I'M ALL RIGHT, 99.
- WHAT'S HAPPENING, MAX? WELL, I CAN SEE A LIGHT.
- What is it? - Max: IT MUST BE THE BRIDGE.
I CAN JUST BARELY MAKE OUT SOMEONE STANDING UP THERE.
THAT MUST BE CAPTAIN GROMAN.
WELL, NOW THERE'S SOMEONE STANDING RIGHT NEXT TO HIM.
That must be Captain Groman's Oriental servant.
SO THAT'S GROMAN'S CHINESE.
- NOW WHAT'S HAPPENING, MAX? - NOTHING, 99.
I DON'T THINK THERE'S ANYONE UP HERE BESIDES ME.
( clip-clopping footsteps ) - WAIT A MINUTE.
- What is it? THAT NOISE, THAT CLIP-CLOP.
I HEAR IT.
- WHAT IS IT, MAX? WHAT'S HAPPENING? - SHH! HAVE TO HANG UP NOW.
- I MAY HAVE TO FIRE MY PHONE.
- RIGHT.
( gunshot ) ( gunshots continue ) MAX, WHAT'S HAPPENING? ANSWER ME.
LISTEN, 99, THIS MAY BE A LITTLE OPTIMISTIC, BUT IF I CAN HOLD OUT UNTIL MORNING, - AT LEAST I CAN SEE WHO'S SHOOTING AT ME.
- ( gunshot ) - MAX, DO YOU NEED HELP? - NO NO, I WOULDN'T COME UP HERE, 99.
- ( gunshot ) - IT'S A ROTTEN NIGHT.
HOLD ON, MAX.
I'M COMING RIGHT UP.
MAX, IS IT VERY COLD UP THERE? - ( gunshot ) - NO, BUT IT'S A LITTLE DAMP.
OH! MY DOOR'S LOCKED FROM THE OUTSIDE.
I CAN'T OPEN IT! ( screams ) MAX! MAX, WHERE ARE YOU? I'M DOWN HERE, 99! - WHERE, MAX? - IN THE WATER! WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO, MAX? HAVE YOU GOT THE CONTROL FILES HANDY? THEY'RE IN MY CABIN.
GET THEM! I'VE GOT THEM.
LOOK UP MY RECORD.
RIGHT HERE, MAX.
WHAT DO YOU WANT TO KNOW? DID I PASS THE CONTROL SWIMMING TEST? NO! ( theme music playing )