Glee Episode Scripts

1ARC09 - Ballad

Here's what you missed last week.
Quinn's pregnant and Puck's the father, but everybody thinks it's Finn.
You're a punk who doesn't deserve Quinn as his girlfriend! Except for Quinn's parents who don't know anything at all.
Theyjust know she's in the Celibacy Club.
Well, call the Vatican.
We got ourselves another immaculate conception.
- And that's what you missed on - #Glee # Ballad.
From Middle English "balade.
" - Who knows what this word means? - It's a male duck.
- Kurt.
- A ballad is a love song.
Sometimes, but they don't always express love.
Ballads are stories set to music which is why they're the perfect storm of self-expression.
Stories and music are the way we express feelings that we can't get out any other way.
Okay, now sectionals are in a few weeks.
And there's a new rule this year.
We have to perform a ballad.
Looks like my weekly letter to the Ohio Show Choir Committee finally paid off.
Okay, so here's our assignment for the week.
I'm gonna pair you off, and I want you to pick a ballad to sing to your partner.
Look them right in the eye find the emotion you want to express, and make them feel it.
- I pick Quinn.
- No, no, no, no, no.
Too easy.
Your partners will be chosen by fate.
- Oooh.
- "Oooh," yeah.
I put all your names in this hat.
Whoever you choose is your partner.
- I bet that duck's in the hat.
- But Matt's out sick today.
He had to go to the hospital 'cause they found a spider in his ear.
I guess I'll just have to put my name in the hat for now.
Who's up first? - Mercedes.
- All right.
Quinn.
Kurt.
Mr.
Schue, I don't know if I can do this with another guy.
The Fates have spoken, Finn.
Other Asian.
Brittany.
- How fitting.
- Yea! Looks like I get you, Mr.
Schue.
Uh, you know what? Maybe we should just wait until Matt gets back.
The Fates talked, Mr.
Schue.
Would you mind clarifying what kinds of songs you want us to sing? Why don't you let Mr.
Schuester and I demonstrate? Brad, "Endless Love" in B-flat, please.
It's my favorite duet.
I really don't think that's an appropriate song, Rachel.
Why? It's a great song and it's a perfect ballad.
Yeah, I really like that song, Mr.
Schue.
# My love # I could totally sing this song with Finn.
But screw him ifhe thinks he's taking the Diana Ross part from me.
#The only thing that's right # I love the days when I don't wear underwear.
- Full commando.
- # My first love # I never noticed how nice Rachel's butt is.
Oh, crap.
I think Quinn knows I'm staring at it.
#You're every breath that I take # #You're every step I make # #And I # # l-l-I # # I want to share # #All my love # #With you # # No one else will do # - #A nd your eyes # - #Y our eyes, your eyes # #They tell me how much you care # #Oh, yeah # Wow.
I've never noticed this before because he's always trying to destroy my career but Mr.
Schue has really pretty eyes.
# My endless love # And really nice teeth.
He's obviously invested in good oral hygiene.
And that's important to me.
It shows wonderful self-esteem.
# I'll be that fool # # For you # # I'm sure # I don't like the way she's looking at me.
Oh, I shouldn't have sung this song to her.
Crap! She looks crazy right now.
I know this look.
#And yes # #You'll be the only one # - #Oh # - #' Cause no # # No one can deny # #This love # # I have inside # #And I'll give # # It all to you # - # My love # - # My love, my love # # My endless love # Okay, this is amazing.
When I'm singing with him, it's like I'm seeing him for the first time.
And what I'm seeing is super, super cute.
Okay.
Something like that.
Sweetie, I am so proud of you.
The Chastity Ball is so important to your father.
God, I miss the firm support of my polyester Cheerios uniform.
The control panel hid my baby bump perfectly.
Hmm.
That's odd.
We had this custom-made a month ago.
I had a really big lunch today at school.
Really big tacos.
No worries, sweetie.
I'll just take it down to the tailor tomorrow.
We'll let it out a little bit.
The problem here, honey, is, you know I just don't think you've been getting enough exercise ever since you quit the Cheerios.
- Am I right? - Yeah, yeah.
That's right.
You used to spend hours every day doing backflips and high kicks.
And now I mean, now you spend all your free time sitting on a stool in the dark singing show tunes.
Do you know how many calories you burn singing? Hmm? - Not very many.
- Judy! Glenn Beck is on.
Oh, wait.
Hold on.
- He's so - Hold on.
No, I don't want to see.
Daddy, it's not like we're getting married.
I don't want Oh.
Oh! Look at you.
Speaking of getting married how's that boy you've been dating? Yeah, yeah.
He's not pressuring you at all, is he? No.
No, he's a gentleman.
I'm glad to hear that.
That's why I'm inviting him over for dinner on Sunday.
- Oh, wonderful! - Refresher? Honey, I don't want you to lift a finger for me.
I'm your wife.
My little lemon drop.
I gotta go catch Glenn.
- Mr.
Schuester? - Yeah? I just wanted to confirm we're set to rehearse our ballad at 4:00 sharp this afternoon.
Oh.
Isn't Matt back yet? No, it's just you and me all week long.
Great.
I'll see you at 4:00.
Is there something else? I just wanted to give you this.
Open it.
Gold stars are kind of my signature thing.
Lfigure every time you wear it you can think of me and the star you're helping me become.
It's happening again.
It always starts with a novelty gift.
Well, you can't blame her, Will.
If we were gonna rank crush-worthy teachers at this school you'd be number one with a bullet.
Uh, well, l-I When did When did this start with Rachel? We sang a duet in Glee Club.
"Endless Love.
" - Okay.
In hindsight, that was probably a mistake.
- Yeah.
I can't handle going through this again.
Sorry.
Going through, um Going through what again? Have I ever told you about Suzy Pepper? The alpacas start there and travel down towards Guadalajara.
Suzy Pepper wasn't the first schoolgirl crush, but she was the hardest.
It happened about two years ago before you were a teacher here.
- Suzy was unique.
- Mr.
Schue? How do you conjugate the verb "to love"? Peppers.
So you can wear them and think of me Suzy Pepper.
I thought it would burn out like the others.
But it only got worse.
Hello? Who is it? Who died? Suzy Pepper? You knew it was me just by the sound of my breath.
That's so romantic.
Listen, you little psycho.
This is Will's wife.
And if I don't get enough sleep, my antidepressants won't work.
- And then I'll go crazy, and I'll kill you.
- Terri.
Stop calling! Can't you handle anything, Will? Terri was right.
Or so I thought.
I decided to be honest with Suzy.
Face this head-on.
Okay, how'd that go? #More than words # # Is all you have to do # #T o make it real # #That you love # It was the world's hottest pepper.
- She had it shipped from Sinaloa, Mexico.
- Oh, gosh.
What happened? The ambulance arrived just in time.
The pepper burned holes in her esophagus and she was in a medically induced coma for three days.
That's why I can't just tell Rachel to back off.
These girls are too fragile.
Wow.
Okay.
How 'bout this? Why don't you take your own advice? Right? Do what you told the kids to do.
If you're feeling awkward telling Rachel how you feel then why don't you, um, you know, sing it to her.
Let her down gently.
And don't wear that tie.
Yeah.
Sing to me everything you feel.
Okay.
Uh I can't.
I can't I can't sing to a dude.
- You have to try.
- I can't! Okay? I can't! I'm sick and tired of people pushing me to be somebody I'm not.
Your lashing out at me is fantastically compelling and inappropriate.
Dude, I'm sorry.
You're really awesome, Kurt.
I I'm just under a load of crap right now.
Girls.
They're your problem.
They're up.
They're down.
Girls.
It's the baby.
She's my daughter and There are so many things I want to say to her, and I'm never gonna be able to.
Like what? Well like how I don't want her to think that her father just abandoned her.
How I would do anything for her.
How no matter what I do I'm always thinking about her.
How I'm gonna spend my whole life loving her and she's never even gonna know.
You gotta let it out.
How? By singing.
"I'll Stand By You," by the Pretenders.
It's in your wheelhouse.
And I know you know it from the radio because it's a classic.
And you do well with classics, especially in the soft rock mode.
Yeah, I do like that song, but how's it gonna make me feel better again? By singing it out to the audience.
Imagine your little girl sitting there.
Thank God I never missed a piano lesson.
#Oh # #Why you look so sad # #Tears are in your eyes # #Come on and come to me now # #When the night falls on you # #You don't know what to do # # Nothing you confess # #Could make me love you less # # I'll stand by you # # I'll stand by you # #Won't let nobody hurt you # # I'll stand by you # #Take me in into your darkest hour # #And I'll never desert you # # I'll stand by you # # I'll stand by you # #Won't let nobody hurt you # # I'll stand by you # Finn, what's going on? - What are you doing? - Uh, nothing.
Were you just singing to a sonogram? Uh-huh.
Is Quinn pregnant? Mom.
I'm sorry.
- I'm so sorry! - Shh, shh.
- I screwed up, Mom.
- It's gonna be okay.
- I'm so sorry.
- Shh, shh.
Shh.
I can't believe you told your mom.
What if she tells my mom? - She's not.
- Half the school knows.
Your mom knows.
Who else you wanna tell? - She's not gonna tell anybody.
- You're wrong.
I'm right.
I'm smart.
You're dumb.
All this baby drama is making my rosacea act up.
I know.
I just feel bad for them, having to go through this on their own.
Let me see what I can do.
I'll report back later.
No, no, no.
You're wrong.
I'm right.
I'm right.
- She doesn't talk to other moms.
- Okay? How do you explain her constant irritation with you? It's because she's a girl.
No, I think it's the pregnancy hormones or something.
They make her kinda nuts.
It's enough to wanna give up women altogether.
Yeah.
Anyway, thanks for the advice about singing to the baby like that.
It worked like a charm.
I owe you one, dude.
Okay, I'll admit it.
I'm madly in love with Finn.
I have been since the first time we met.
Dude, impulse control.
He was my knight in shining armor.
My feelings only grew stronger as we bonded over Glee then football, then skin care.
Your "T" zone is dangerously dry.
Your "T" zone.
Oh.
Twice a day.
It's very mild and has a built-in sunblock.
Cool.
Thanks, man.
I don't know why I find his stupidity charming.
I mean, he's cheating off a girl who thinks the square root of four is rainbows.
I guess that's love for you.
Hey, eyes on your own paper.
I know it seems weird that I'm helping Finn with Quinn.
But rest assured, it's all part of a master plan.
No matter what I do or how much I assist him with his ballad she's going to end up disappointing him and breaking his heart.
And then he'll be crying into my shoulder pads.
Okay, so, I'm really excited.
I picked a medley of songs that's gonna be a fantastic teaching tool about how to sing a great ballad.
- Why is Miss Pillsbury here? - Uh Well, I I, too, am very curious about the power of the ballad.
You know, I'm thinking of doing some career counseling in song.
- Emma.
- S.
A.
T.
Prep - Just Yeah.
- Sitting.
Yeah.
Okay, Rachel.
This is a mash-up of"Young Girl" by Gary Puckett & the Union Gap and the 1980 Police classic, "Don't Stand So Close To Me.
" And I want you to listen very closely to the lyrics because I really mean what I'm singing.
Really listen.
Okay.
#Young teacher The subject # #Of schoolgirl fantasy # #She wants him so badly # # Knows what she wants to be # #W ith all the charms of a woman # #You've kept the secret of your youth # # Bookmark it, she's so close now # #This girl is half his age # # Don't stand Don't stand so # #Don't stand so close to me # #Y oung girl, you're outta your mind # #Your love for me is way out of line # #Better run, girl # #You're much too young, girl # #T emptation, frustration # #So bad it makes him cry # # Beneath your perfume and makeup # #You're just a baby in disguise # #Get out of here # # Before you have the time to change your mind # #'Cause I'm afraid you'll go too far # # Don't stand, don't stand so # #Don't stand so close to me # #Y oung girl, you're outta your mind # #Your love for me is way out of line # - # Better run, girl # - # Don't stand so # #You're much too young, girl # So, Rachel do you think you understood the message I was trying to get across with that ballad? Yes.
It means I'm very young and it's hard for you to stand close to me.
Oh, no.
Um Emma, would you mind helping me out here? Was that the message that you got? You're a very good performer.
- He's very good.
- Well, I, for one, can't wait to go home and work on a medley of my own for tomorrow.
Because this lesson has given me a lot to think about.
No, Rachel, that really wasn't the You Bravo.
Thanks for coming over, Kurt.
I know you're into fashion and that kind of stuff.
And I need to find something nice to wear to the Fabrays for dinner.
So I couldn't be more pleased and honored to help you find something vintage and appropriate to wear.
Here it is.
My mom never had the heart to throw this stuff out.
Here, hang on to that for the next time Puck throws you in the Dumpster.
My dad's the same way.
My mom died 10 years ago and he still keeps her toothbrush on the holder by their sink.
The broken dresser in their room still smells like her perfume.
I know it's stupid, but sometimes I'll sneak in there and open all the drawers and lie on the floor and close my eyes and just smell her.
That's not stupid.
I guess in a way I'm lucky I never knew him.
You know? Check this out.
Not half bad.
Your father had good taste.
I can't believe it fits.
Um, thanks.
My father was brave enough to fight in some desert thousands of miles away and I can't even go over to Dudley Road and tell the Fabrays the truth.
Your father didn't charge into the breach empty-handed.
He had a weapon.
You think I should bring a gun? No.
I think you should use your greatest weapon.
Your voice.
Hey, sweetie, I'm home.
Something smells good.
- Oh, thanks.
- You're welcome.
Casserole's almost ready.
Hope you like venison.
Why did you even let her in the house? 'Cause she said she was one of your Glee kids.
It didn't take me five minutes to realize she's in love with you.
She asked if she could see your baby pictures.
What? So, now you're making her clean our bathroom? Look, Will, I've been dealing with these schoolgirl crushes for years.
So why shouldn't I get a little something out of it? - Do you have any more Ajax? - In the linen closet, sweetie.
- This is immoral, Terri.
- No, honey.
You know what's immoral? Is me having to deal with the fact that my husband spends all day with young girls who are perkier and younger than I am.
I have a rash on my belly from that cocoa butter that your mother sent me.
Do you have any idea how much it burns when I sweat? I can't scrub the floors as hard as she can.
Baby, if it's that bad, you have to let me see it.
It might be infected.
What? So, now I'm gonna show you the bleeding pustules on my skin? Wow.
Yeah.
No, that's not gonna send you into the loving arms of some teenage slut.
For the last time, I am not having an affair with any of my students.
And you are not allowed to turn one of them into your slave because you have this irrational fear of me leaving you.
Well, why not, huh, if it's win-win for everyone? Look, she's a really good cook.
Try it.
- Where you going? - I'm taking Rachel home.
Can you ask her to dust the blinds in the craft room first? - Mr.
Schuester? - Yes, Rachel.
Why do I have to sit in the backseat? Um, it's the law.
Children have to ride in the back.
Children under seven.
Well, I'm just concerned for your safety.
Really? Um, no.
Not really.
I think we should take advantage of this golden alone time and practice our ballad.
That would be great, but I don't have any music in the car.
It's okay.
I made us a CD.
Oh.
#A h, crush # #Ah # # I see ya blowin' me a kiss # # It doesn't take a scientist # #To understand what's going on, baby # I wasn't finished.
Yeah, well, the acoustics are horrible in the car.
Put your seat belt back on.
So, how's it going with Puck? - Are you guys still seeing each other? - I broke things off.
He was too immature.
As are all the boys in high school.
I need a man who can keep up with me intellectually and creatively.
Well, that's a tough road for most high-school boys.
That's why I have my sights set much higher.
Stay away from him.
You're gonna get hurt bad.
- You can't threaten me, Pepper.
I'm not afraid of you.
- You should be.
Oh, you're on the second floor? Oh, you're right above me.
Girl, you? I'm a hot, damn mess.
I found out today my hamster is pregnant in biology class and I just started weeping.
No, no, I think that's a great idea.
- We're supposed to be rehearsing.
- I'm talking to Tina.
I'll hit you back.
This is bad, dude.
All our ballads are terrible 'cause we're all so distracted.
We're all worried about Finn and Quinn and "babygate.
" We can't even sing about our emotions 'cause we're so worried about theirs.
- Who cares? - Um, we all do.
So we decided we're all gonna sing them a ballad to show that we got their backs.
Are you kidding me? There's no way I'm singing to them.
It's not fair! Finn gets everything.
- He gets the sympathy.
He gets the girl.
- What is your problem? Finn's not the father! I am.
What? All right, look.
You need to get something through your Mohawk real quick.
You're the baby's daddy.
It takes a hell of a lot more to be a father.
And that role's already been cast because Quinn chose Finn.
And you need to accept that and move on.
'Cause you have no business messing up that girl's life any more than you already have.
You need to back off.
You owe her at least that much.
Mmm.
A lovely ham.
- Thank you.
- There is no beating Judy's ham.
I cure all my own meats.
- I'd like to propose a toast.
- Daddy, no.
Russell and his famous toasts.
The Fabrays are a tight-knit family.
I have been blessed with a loving wife two remarkable daughters.
My first married a wonderful Christian man.
Owns his own chain of U.
P.
S.
Stores.
My second daughter, little Quinny we're just so proud of her.
Captain of the Cheerios, president of the Celibacy Club.
I got a little peak at the dress.
I'm certain she's a shoo-in for princess.
- She is.
- But tonight we are very glad to welcome her young friend, quarterback no less I have to go to the bathroom.
Uh, too much pop.
Oh, wait.
It's right through the kitchen, sweetheart.
He wears a helmet when he plays, right? He's just intimidated by you, Daddy.
Well, hello, Finn Hudson.
I'm at the Fabrays and I'm freaking out.
What does a heart attack feel like? Settle down, cowboy.
This is why we burnt the disc and spent that time rehearsing.
- I can't do it.
- Yes, you can.
Just remember the power of the ballad.
I have to go.
They'll think I'm pooping.
Ha! - That's my kitchen radio.
- Yeah, I need to borrow it.
Finn? What's this? Well, we have this assignment in Glee Club to sing a ballad.
They're all about expressing the things you can't find any other way to say.
Oh, God.
Finn, don't.
- Please, don't.
- No, I need to do this for both of us.
#You're havin' my baby # #What a lovely way of sayin' how much you love me # #You're havin' my baby # #What a lovely way of sayin'# #What you're thinkin' of me # # I can see it # #Your face is glowin' # # I can see it in your eyes # # I'm happy you know it # #That you're havin' my baby # #You're the woman I love and I love what it's doin'to ya # #You're havin' my baby # #You're a woman in love and I love what's goin' through ya # #The need inside you # # I see it showin' # #Whoa, the seed inside you, baby # There must be some sort of mistake here.
Quinny, we raised you right.
You You did.
We didn't even have sex.
I'm sorry.
Can wejust stop with the lying, please? - But I'm - When you were about five years old I took you and your sister down to an Indians game.
All the other dads brought their sons.
But my two girls were enough for me.
- Daddy.
- Your sister made it through the whole game.
But you fell asleep in my lap.
I kept hoping nothing exciting would happen 'cause I didn't want the crowd to get too loud and wake you up.
Didn't matter.
You stayed asleep in my arms till the game ended.
Daddy, I'm so sorry.
You need to leave.
Wait.
Please, Daddy, can we talk about this? Finn is a good guy.
He loves me.
You too.
Get out of my house.
But you can't do that.
She didn't do anything wrong.
Please, Mrs.
Fabray, do something.
Don't bother, Finn.
If she wanted to do something, she would have when she found out that I was pregnant.
You knew? I No.
She didn't tell me anything.
But you knew.
And I needed you.
I needed my mom.
And you were so scared of what he would do if he found out that you just pushed it aside like we do every bad feeling in this house.
If you don't talk about it, it doesn't exist.
Now do not turn this on us! You are the disappointment here! Why? Because I'm not a little girl anymore? Because I made a mistake? Who are you? I don't recognize you at all.
I'm your daughter who loves you.
And I know this must be really hard for you.
But I just need my daddy to hold me and tell me that it's gonna be okay.
Please.
Judy! Honey, how many times have I told you you gotta turn these T-shirts right-side out Um, Mom, Quinn's parents threw her out.
Could she stay here for a couple of days? Yeah, of course she can.
Honey, you can stay here as long as you want.
Hey, Barbra Streisand.
We need to have a little talk.
I have nothing to say to you, Pepper.
If you continue to stalk me, I'll press charges.
Everyone knows what you are.
You're the school crazy.
I was crazy crazy in love.
There's nothing you can say that's gonna change the way I feel about Mr.
Schuester.
Ours is a love for the ages.
Your threats will just make our love grow stronger.
Let me tell you a few things I learned from two years of intense psychotherapy and an esophagus transplant.
Lesson number one: You and Schue, it won't work.
What do you mean? We're not so different, you and me.
We're both mildly attractive and extremely grating.
Love is hard for us.
We look for boys we know we can never have.
Mr.
Schue is a perfect target for our self-esteem issues.
He can never reciprocate our feelings, which only reinforces the conviction that we're not worthy of being loved.
Trust me.
I'm a cautionary tale.
You need to find some self-respect, Rachel.
Get that mildly attractive groove back.
Mr.
Schuester, I'm ready when you are.
The ballad I've selected has an important message that I'm anxious for you to hear.
Rachel, I'm sorry.
I'm gonna have to stop you.
The way you've been acting is totally inappropriate.
I'm your teacher, Rachel.
And I'm sorry, but that's all I'm ever gonna be.
I know.
I I brought these for you as an apology.
And the song I was gonna sing was "Sorry Seems To Be the Hardest Word" by Elton John 'cause I know how much you love him.
I'm such an idiot.
Mooning over you and cleaning your apartment.
Hey.
It's okay.
I know it's not always easy for you, Rachel.
And I know that there are some things about yourself that you think you'd like to change.
But you should know that there's some boy out there who's gonna like you for everything you are including those parts of you that even you don't like.
Those are gonna be the things he likes the most.
Thanks, Mr.
Schue.
What do you say we ditch rehearsal today? I've gotta be honest, Rachel.
You've never really needed much help with your ballads.
You've been knocking them out of the park since day one.
- Do you like them? - They're great.
So they just kicked her out? Yeah.
Gave her half an hour to pack.
Her father set the timer on the microwave.
I'm sorry.
I guess my plan kinda sucked.
No.
Uh, this is good.
No more secrets.
You know, everything's out there, all the feelings.
Uh And that's better.
Right? Yes.
Better.
Good.
Uh All right, well, let's work on your ballad.
Uh, you were really helpful when I was trying to find mine.
So, what is it? "I Honestly Love You.
" Uh, sounds awesome.
I don't know the song, uh, or whatever.
But it sounds positive and nice and stuff.
Hey, you two.
We need to go to the choir room.
Why? Because there's something we want to give you and Quinn.
Open your eyes.
I didn't tell you to close your eyes.
- Is there a cake? - No, there's no cake.
Be quiet.
Sit down.
- Hi, Quinn.
- Do you know what's going on? Your fellow Glee Club members wanna sing a song for you guys to let you know how they feel about you.
Uh, what are you gonna sing? Just listen.
The song says everything.
#Sometimes in our lives # #We all have pain # #We all have sorrow # #But if we are wise # #We know that there's # #Always tomorrow # # Lean on me # #When you're not strong # #And I'll be your friend # #I'll help you carry on # # For it won't be long # #Till I'm gonna need # #Somebody to lean on # #Just lean on me # #Call on me, brother Hey # #When you need a hand When you need a hand # #We all need somebody # - #T o lean on # - #Somebody to lean on # # I just might have a problem # #That you'll understand # #We all need somebody # - #T o lean on # - #Oh, whoa, whoa # - # If # - # If # - #T here is a load # - #T here's a load # - #Y ou have to bear # - #Y ou have to bear # #That you can't carry # - # I # - # I am # #A m right up the road # # I'll share your load # # If you just call me # - #Call me # - #Oh, call me # - #Call me # - # When you need a friend # - #Call me # - # Call me # - #Call me # - #W hen you need a friend # - #Call me # - #Call me any time of day # #Call me # # It won't be long # #Till I'm gonna need # #Somebody to lean on # # Lean on, lean on me # # Lean on me # # Lean, lean on me # # Lean on me # - # Lean on me # - #Y ou can lean on me # - # I'm gonna need # - #Somebody # #Somebody to lean on # - #Somebody # - # Hey, hey # - #T o lean on # - #Somebody to lean on # - #Y eah # - #W hoa, ho-ho #