Glee Episode Scripts

I am Unicorn

So, Here is what you missed on Glee: Quinn's got a new look, and a new crowd of Skanks.
Kurt got Blaine to join the New Directions, which is good, because Santana got kicked out, and Sugar Motta wasn't good enough to get in.
Who cares what you think? McKinley's doing West Side Story, and Kurt and Rachel need the leads so they can get into NYADA.
Sue's using her run for Congress to come after the arts.
Believe it or not, still not a big fan of the Glee Club.
And that's what you missed on Glee.
I really like your outfit.
And I think you're, like, fabulous, and I just love everything that you do.
Why, thank you, Brit.
Okay, I really want to run your campaign for president.
Out of all the kids at the school, I think that you are the biggest unicorn.
I'm sorry? Well, when a pony does a good deed, he gets a horn, and he, he becomes a unicorn, and he poops out cotton candy, until he forgets he's magical.
And then his horn falls off.
And black unicorns, they becomes zebras.
Oh, that's that's a terrifying story.
No, it's not.
No, okay.
No.
The point is, is that a unicorn is sebody who knows they're magical, and isn't afraid to show it.
You went through hell last year, and you never forgot how special you were.
And I've slept with a lot of people, and am really popular, so I think I could get you mega votes.
Then why don't you just run? I'm not smart enough.
What's the capital of Ohio? Brittany.
O.
What? Do you even know who the president is? Will.
i.
am.
Well, Brit, I have to say that I'm, I'm flattered.
And really excited.
Cool.
Okay, I'll come over after school, and we'll work on your campaign posters.
I got a lot of great ideas.
Great.
Great, uh I'll see you then.
Sweet.
All right, New Directions! Big news.
As you all know, Vocal Adrenaline came in second last year at Nationals.
The only good thing to come out of that lost weekend.
Besides us getting back together.
Well, the boosters at Carmel don't donate tens of thousands of dollars every year to come in second.
So they fired Dustin Goolsby- So handsome.
and they're having trouble finding a new coach.
Seems that no one wants to take on that pressure cooker.
That means they're vulnerable.
Yes.
And if we work hard enough, we can beat them.
Which is why I've realized that, um I can't direct the musical this year.
But, Mr.
Shue, you can't cancel the musical.
My New York dreams depend on it.
I'm not cancelling it, I'm just not directing it.
My sole focus has to be in here.
Nationals, Nationals, Nationals.
And it's not just me that's going to have to focus harder this year.
I've been too easy on you.
So every day after choir practice I'm instituting a mandatory "Booty Camp," so that we can work on our dancing.
Now, it's not for all of you- just the people that I think need help.
Like Finn.
How did you know? And Puckerman, Hummel.
I must protest.
You kind of have one move, Kurt.
It's like this sashay, and it's super distracting.
Jones.
What? Hell to the nizzy-no.
You told me once you were Beyonce.
You don't think she spends extra time in the dance studio? Mike Chang has offered to be my assistant.
And we start tomorrow and yes, Puckerman, it is mandatory.
Mr.
Schuester, would you mind if I dropped by for a little bit? I really need to catch up with you guys.
Okay, Mr.
Shue, I'm glad that you're so concerned with our special needs members, but what about me? Okay? Who's going to direct the musical? Ladies and gentleman- your co-musical directors, Ms.
Pillsbury and Coach Beiste.
Now, Ms.
Pillsbury did such a good job helping me out with Rocky Horror last year that I knew she could handle the job.
And I'm here to keep the football guys in line.
I've also talked them into playing the "Jets.
" Mr.
Shue, with all due respect to Ms.
Pillsbury and Coach Beiste, this is crazy.
They have absolutely zero experience in directing a musical.
Not true.
In college, I was in A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum.
I played the Forum.
The teachers at this school are already overworked and unfortunately a lot of them agree with Sue that the arts are a waste of time.
Besides, they are going to have some help.
I've decided to include a student director this year.
Mr.
Shue, I'm honored, but Barbra was 40 when she directed herself in Yentl, so it's just, it's too soon.
I hate you.
I was actually hoping that Artie would take the job.
Me? I've developed my whole persona around conflict avoidance.
Come on, Artie, you've made short films, directing is your dream.
You can do it.
I'm in.
All right.
You still make a mean cup of coffee? Shelby.
What are you- what are you doing here? It's the teachers' lounge, isn't it? It's where all the teachers hang out.
Yeah I'm a teacher here now.
Well, part-time.
You ever hear of this guy named Al Motta? Mr.
Motta, just so I'm clear, in exchange for this very generous donation all I have to do is hire Ms.
Corcoran to start a second show choir at McKinley which features your daughter? For which I will cover any and all expenses.
My Sugar's a Super Nova, Figgy.
You have a deal.
Mrs.
Denny-Brown! Mr.
Motta has just ended our toilet paper shortage with this enormous check! Wipe away! They actually sent a headhunter to track me down in New York.
Apparently I am the best show choir director money can buy.
Don't worry, I'm not going to poach any of your kids.
I'm less worried about that than about the fact that you being here is going to be really hard on Rachel.
I appreciate that.
I plan on reaching out to her.
What about Puck and Quinn? Lima's where I made a series of mistakes that defined me for 16 years.
Lima's where I I have to make things right again.
I know that seems impossible, but I have to try.
Okay.
I will take you at your word.
But as for your little Glee Club the more arts at this school the better.
So, may the best Glee Club win.
We will.
Give us your lunch money.
We're hungry.
We need something to barf back up.
Don't test me.
I was a foster kid, which means I'm used to stabbing people.
You're so mean That's right.
It's what passed for love in my house.
Skanks, I've got to talk to that lady alone.
First of all, smoking kills.
Second, it really does make you look cooler, doesn't it? Sorry, Coach, but you have no power over me anymore, 'cause I've got nothing left to lose.
Oh, Q, I look at you and I'm stunned.
You've never looked worse.
You've lost your child, your boyfriend, your rep, and worse, your high pony.
You know who I blame? The Glee Club.
You know, when you were in my grasp, you were at the top of the pyramid.
But then you joined the Glee Club, and became lost, forced to sway in the background.
Will Schuester never did appreciate the gentle tremble of your thin, forgettable alto.
Thanks.
What if I were to offer you the chance to get revenge on the Glee Club and become a star? My Congressional campaign is producing a video: a day in the life of a girl from whom the arts stole everything.
And I think I've found my girl.
First, a few demands.
I need thrift store couches under the bleachers.
I've realized that after smoking all day, it hurts to stand.
Fair enough.
Quinn Fabray, you have a deal.
Okay.
We're going to make of each poster.
And then We'll ve each student a swag bag full of this: We're going to call it "Kurt Hummel's Bulging Pink Fun Sack.
" Well, I you know, I don't know what to say.
That happens to me all the time.
My lips move, but only dust comes out.
You know, I appreciate the enthusiasm.
But you know, it's just all wrong.
I think it's just, you know, a tad too Unicorn? Gay.
I feel like I might as well have a big neon sign above my head that says, you know, "GAY-DIDDY-GAY, GAY GAY-GAY-GAY!" I mean, you'll need a long extension cord, but I love it.
I'm joking.
Well, next time you make a joke, nudge me in the ribs or, like, honk a horn or something.
Look, I don't just want to be known as, you know, "Kurt Hummel, Homo.
" What's wrong with that? Look, 99% of the kids at the school are either freaks, or closet freaks.
The captain of the football squad, he gets the job, but he doesn't represent the people.
That's why we need a unicorn.
And I agree with the sentiment, I just want something, you know, toned down a tad.
I came up with a campaign poster, too.
Okay? Okay.
Ta-da! Hmm? It's understated, yet elegant.
Inspired, of course, by the classic Blackglama fur coat ads.
Rumor has it that Judy Garland- down on her luck and thin as a baby bird- stole her Blackglama mink coat after her photo shoot.
And it wasn't even lined yet.
You should tell that story during your campaign speech.
It's like so unicorn.
I don't have time for this.
Gotta meet the Skanks on the roof.
Gonna throw ketchup-covered tampons at the marching band.
You're back.
Yeah, I went to New York.
Thought I'd do it all, the whole working mother thing.
But when I was in rehearsal, even even performing, I couldn't stop thinking about Beth.
How I could miss her milestones, you know? Her first steps, first words first arabesque.
I get it.
So when I got this job offer, I couldn't refuse.
I've missed so many firsts in Rachel's life.
I was not about to do that with Beth.
Neat story, but I'm late for a meeting on the roof.
Quinn, just listen to her.
Hey.
Look.
Since the day that I gave Rachel up for adoption, I have been walking through life searching for her face everywhere I go.
Imagining what she's doing, what she may be like I don't want you to go through what I went through.
Part of me is-is back here because because I want you to get to know Beth.
I want you to be a part of her life.
When do I get to see her? Are you okay? What's going on with you? Are you even in Glee anymore? Did you come here just to torment me with the idea of seeing my child? Look.
I want you to be a part of Beth's life.
But not like this.
If you're really serious about Beth, clean up your act.
You think you can tell me what to do? Just cause you signed a couple of papers? You're not her mom! I'm her mom! Quinn Me! So You can pretend all you want, but that is something you are never going to be.
Listen, Mr.
Shue, I'm all for participating, but Shay says I'm more of a park and bark and I tend to agree.
A what and what? Park and bark- I stand center stage singing the notes no one else can while all of you guys dance around me.
Booty Camp is about all of you dancing, Mercedes.
In unison.
I mean, look at Vocal Adrenaline.
When they're in synch- one big terrifying machine, they're unstoppable.
Mike, do your thing.
Let's go.
The jazz square, the grapevine, step-touch, the kick ball change, and pivot.
We perfect these basics, we'll win Nationals.
Grapevine to the right.
Five, six, seven, eight.
Keep it going.
I- am- in- hell.
I'm going to put my light under a bushel, if only to shine brighter for the auditions tomorrow.
I'm still trying to decide between "Maria" and "Something's Coming.
" Those are Tony songs.
Are you auditioning for Tony, too? Would that be weird? No, no, not at all.
You'd be a great Tony.
Be the perfect Tony actually, in some respects.
Finn, you look like you're stepping on bees.
Come on, Mercedes, blend.
Well, except I'm a junior.
Tony's the lead.
Which means that a senior should probably play that part.
Yeah, that is kind of how it works, huh? I'd be fine with Bernardo or Officer Krupke.
as long as it was opposite your Tony.
Kurt, jazz hands.
Fine.
La-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah La-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah La-ah Your range is better.
It was impressive a year and a half ago, but it's even better now.
This is a private rehearsal.
What song are you auditioning with? That's none of your business, okay? If you've come here to ask me to join your little group, the answer is no.
My loyalty is to the New Directions.
They're my family, and family means something- at least to me.
Rachel, like we talked about before I'm your birth mother.
Yeah, but not my mother.
I know, okay? I almost had to go to therapy because of you.
Rachel Look, I-I'll be polite, okay? Don't worry, if I see you in the halls Il make eye contact and I'll nod.
Now if you'll excuse me, I have to get back to my rehearsal.
"Somewhere there's a place for us.
" I just said that there wasn't.
I'm talking about the song.
I played Maria 18 times.
"Somewhere" is the perfect audition song for you.
You should do it.
Well, I was considering it.
But it's a very challenging song so I was just going to do "I Feel Pretty," which I'm actually amazing at.
You will never become a star or get the lead if you play it safe.
Try it.
There's a place for us Somewhere a place for us Peace and quiet and open air Wait for us somewhere There's a time for us Someday a time for us Time together with time to spare Time to learn Time to care Someday Somewhere We'll find a new way of living Oh, we'll find a way of forgiving Somewhere There's a place for us A time and a place for us Hold my hand and we're halfway there Hold my hand and I'll take you there Somehow Someday Somewhere.
Whoo! Awesome.
Quinn Fabray used to be on top of the world.
She had it all.
But now she walks the hallways of McKinley High broken, alone.
What happened, Quinn Fabray? I got involved in the arts.
And now after a long day of snorting Splenda and cutting class, she kills the pain the only way she knows how- smoking corn starch.
Wait, what? Cut.
The dummy could not remember her lines, Coach.
Now remember, just like we rehearsed it.
Mr.
Schuester, I came here to give you a piece of my mind.
What's going on here? Rolling.
I used to have everything.
Dated the quarterback of the football team, was the captain of the Cheerios! I was the prettiest, most popular girl at this school until I joined Glee Club, and then it all went to hell.
This is campaign dynamite.
I just want you to know that I am never coming back to Glee Club- ever.
Do you understand? I hope you're happy.
Ms.
Fabray, wait.
You know, there's only one person in this world that you care about and that's yourself.
You have no idea I'm not finished! Whoa.
You're not a little girl anymore, Quinn.
How long do you plan on playing the victim card? Since day one, you've done nothing but sabotage the same Glee Club that has been there for you over and over again.
When you got pregnant, when your parents kicked you out, Mercedes even let you live at her house.
And I don't recall ever hearing so much as a thank you.
So now you're a train wreck.
Well, congratulations.
But you stride into my office and tell me that it's my fault? Well, then, I have something to say to you.
Grow up.
Would you turn that thing off? And cut.
Fantastic.
I got Oh, no, damn it.
My finger was over the thingie.
I didn't get any of that.
Come on, Becky.
That was really sexy.
Hey.
I hope it's okay that I just stopped by.
How do you know where I live? Um, I have friends in law enforcement.
Noah, I told you, I want you to be a part of Beth's life, but on my terms.
You can't just barge in on me like this.
Here's a drug test.
See? Totally clean.
I also haven't had a drink since we talked - besides beer.
I even did some homework.
Turns out Napoleon, not just a dessert- he was a real dude.
Well, that is great.
I'm- honestly I'm truly impressed.
But having a relationship with a child isn't about little bursts of energy.
This is a long-term commitment.
Crap, she's awake.
Hi, sweetie.
Come here.
Oh, that's it.
Okay.
It's okay.
It's okay.
My God, she looks like Quinn.
And you.
She has that same dopey smile.
Can you say hi? I was happy, you know, that she was with you, and it made it easier.
I drew her a picture.
It was supposed to be a clown, but it kind of turned out like a pig, so I call it a clown pig.
It's kind of my own made-up animal.
Look what he drew us.
Huh? Thought it might make her think of me.
You don't think it will scare her, do you? No.
She'll be okay.
She's tough.
Do you want to hold her? Can he hold you? If he takes your blankie, can he hold you? I don't want to freak her out.
We'll work up to it.
I'll do anything- anything to prove to you that I can be in her life.
Please just give me that chance.
Here you go, buddy.
Thanks, Coach.
She's like my own private Jim Henson.
Next.
Hello.
I'm Kurt Hummel.
And I'll be auditioning for the role of Tony.
The male lead.
That's great, Kurt.
I'll be performing the seminal, and in my case, semiautobiographical Broadway classic, "I'm the Greatest Star," from Funny Girl.
Isn't that a Streisand song? I know what you're thinking, but I got written permission from the woman herself.
Ms.
Rachel Berry.
And I'd also like to thank Cassius from my dad's tire shop for kindly constructing my audition scaffolding.
Okay, whenever you're ready.
I'm the greatest star I am by far But no one knows it Wait, they're gonna hear a voice A silver flute Ah-ah-ah, ah-ah-ah They'll cheer each toot # Hey, I hear it's terrific.
Hmm When I expose it Now, can't you see to look at me That I'm a natural Camille? As Camille, I just feel I've so much to offer Hey, listen, kid, I know I'd be divine because I'm a natural cougher Some ain't got it, not a lump I'm a great big clump of talent Laugh! They'll bend in half Did you ever hear the story about the traveling salesman? A thousand jokes Stick around for the jokes.
A thousand faces, I reiterate When you're gifted, then you're gifted These are facts, I got no axe to grind Hey, what are you, blind?! In all of the world so far I'm the greatest star I'm the greatest star I am by far But no one knows it That's why I was born I'll blow my horn Till someone blows it I'll light up like a light Right up like a light I'll flicker, then flare up All the world's gonna stare up Looking down, you'll never see me Try the sky, 'cause that'll be me I can make 'em cry, I can make 'em sigh Someday they'll clamor for my dram-er Have you guessed yet who's the best yet? If you ain't, I'll tell you one more time You bet your last dime In all of the world so far I am the greatest Greatest star Heck, yeah! Beautiful! Beautiful! Menthol 100's? Really, skank? You can't be in here.
It's the girls' bathroom.
I'm always here; the stalls are cleaner.
Hey, you need to lose the skank act and get it together.
Look, everyone needs to leave me alone, because this is who I am.
You look like a Real Housewife of Reno.
I saw Beth.
So? She's perfect.
She looks just like you.
Well, the old you.
Yeah, well, it doesn't matter.
We're not parent material.
We can be.
We're never going to be together.
I don't care about you, I care about her.
I don't want her having questions or being messed up.
She needs you in her life.
Okay, Marias.
For me, it's Rachel Berry.
I'm just a huge fan.
She's got the eye of the tiger, which I like.
She's Jewish, but I think that helps with the whole Puerto Rican thing.
But we do have Mercedes Jones coming in.
For my money, she has the most soulful voice here at McKinley.
Yeah, she's not white, either, which I like for Maria.
So we'll keep an open mind.
Okey-doke.
Um, Kurt Hummel for Tony.
I mean, let's talk about star quality, shall we? Kurt was awesome.
No question.
He owned that song like it was his prison bitch.
My thing is, Tony's supposed to be from the streets.
He's the leader of the Jets, an alpha gang member.
I look at Kurt, and I don't believe it.
Well, respectfully, Coach, Tony's retired from the Jets.
He's a poet of the urban jungle.
There is a delicate wholesomeness to Kurt that's unexpected, but not unwelcome, for Tony.
I mean, if I were Maria, I'd love to be held in Kurt's toothpick arms on my fire escape.
Listen, I love the kid, but I want a Tony that excites my lady parts.
Hummel's too much of a lady.
Well, Artie, you know him best.
Could Kurt, you know, could he pass? I'm a firm believer in color-blind, non-traditional casting.
For instance, I hope to play Porgy one day.
And we should definitely see who else comes in.
But, yeah, I'm a little worried that Kurt may be a little delicate for Tony.
This is not the poster we agreed on! The poster that you wanted gave me crippling depression.
I wanted something toned down! This is toned down.
In the original, the unicorn was riding you.
I don't know why you're so upset.
You're special; you need to embrace it.
This is who you are.
I'm not gonna win.
Rachel, Rachel! I need you.
I need you to come with me to the auditorium right now and help me audition for Tony again.
Last-minute emergency audition? Say no more.
And stop putting up those posters! I failed my precious unicorn.
No.
Look, this campaign is brilliant.
Really? Completely.
And if he doesn't get it, then he doesn't deserve to have you as his campaign manager.
There's no one like you.
You're a genius, Brittany.
You are the unicorn.
Are we seeing more ethnic Marias today? That's rude.
Is there any more? Oh.
I'm sorry, I thought you two auditioned already.
You heard me sing, but I wanted to show you the pure masculine power and intensity I would bring to Tony if and when you graced me with the part.
Sorry.
Sorry.
I've asked your obvious Maria-elect to do a cold reading with me, not from West Side Story, but from the play it's originally based on, William Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet.
And might I just add that I only read through the scene once ten minutes ago and I'm already off book.
So you're playing Romeo, Kurt? Picture, if you will, Juliet's boudoir.
Post coitus.
Wilt thou be gone? It is not yet near day.
It was the nightingale, and not the lark, that pierced the fearful hollow of thine ear.
Nightly she sings on yon pomegranate tree.
Believe me, love, it was the nightingale.
'Tis the lark, the herald of the morn, no nightingale.
Look, love, what envious streaks do lace the severing clouds in yonder east.
Night candles are burnt out, and jocund day stands tiptoe on the misty mountain tops.
I must be gone and live, or stay and die.
Thou light is not daylight, I know it, I.
It is some meteor that the sun exhal'd, to be to thee a torch bearer, to light thee on thy way to Mantua.
Therefore stay yet; thou need'st not be gone.
Let me be ta'en, let me be put to death; for I am content, thou wilt have it so.
I'll say that yon grey is not the morning eye.
'Tis but the pale reflex of Cynthia's brow Nor-Nor that is not the lark, whose notes do beat the vaulty heaven so high above our heads.
I have more care to stay than will to go: home, death, welcome! For Juliet wills it so No, it's- kiss me.
It's fine, you can kiss me.
I don't We can keep going.
Kurt.
Kurt, I'm so sorry.
Kurt.
SUGAR I am a shining star I am a shining star, I am a shining Okay, stop, stop.
Stop! I am a shining star, I am a shining star Do you hear the difference? Yeah, I sound good.
You know, why don't you take the day off? I need to catch up on My Strange Addiction episodes, and you kind of have this irritating nasally quality that I can only take so much of.
Sorry, Asperger's.
She's hopeless, you know.
Nobody's hopeless.
What happened to you, Quinn? Sorry.
I know what happened to you.
Same thing happened to me when I gave up Rachel.
I went with a Regis Philbin tattoo and the Sinead O'Connor haircut.
Must have looked like crap.
It was a disaster.
But eventually, I realized that no matter how much it hurt me I did right by my daughter.
That's the real measure of motherhood: how much of yourself will you give up for them? King Solomon and all that.
Yeah, well, I'm not going back to being that girl.
Little miss blonde perfect.
Quinn were you ever really that girl? I mean, would that kind of girl even get pregnant in the first place? Do you seriously expect me to think that this is the real you? Yeah.
Yeah, sure.
Something like this.
You're 18.
You're graduating high school.
This is the time, this is the time when you should find yourself.
First step to becoming an adult: stop punishing yourself for things you did when you were a child.
Can I see her? I know Puck got to.
Not yet.
How about a photo? Please? You want to know who you really are? Look at that sweet, special little face.
She looks just like you.
You can be a part of this family, too, Quinn.
I really want you to be.
It's all up to you.
Lug nut.
Wrench.
You're really good at that, whatever it is that you're doing over there.
Thanks for helping me out.
Yeah, well, I need the distraction.
I'm gonna be in emotional DEFCON 1 until they post the audition results for the musical, which means I'm gonna be even more self-centered than usual, just so you know.
Why? You know you're gonna get the lead.
I know I am, but, I mean, you don't really know until you know.
You can still try out.
I mean, the field for Tony is wide open.
Well, I mean, between football and school, I don't really have time.
And I got to go to this Booty Camp thing.
My dancing has got to get better or it's gonna cost us Nationals.
Plus, Burt pays me good here.
I'm saving up for college and stuff.
I just I don't want you to give up on what makes you most special.
You know, you're really talented.
Talented enough to get into NYADA if you applied.
What if I don't want to? I mean, and not saying that I don't, but if I stay here, work for Burt, I mean, would that be so bad? No, not if it made you happy.
But I don't think it would.
You're better than that.
You may not know it, but I do.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
No, you have grease on your nose.
Oh.
Sorry.
What the heck? Quit making out in the shop.
What do you want? Nothing.
Is Finn the only son that can help out around here? Uh, no, but you only volunteer to help when you want money or you want to talk about something.
What's going on? I made a list.
These are the only musicals that I am a shoo-in to play the lead role in.
Number one: La Cage aux Folles.
Number two: Falsettos.
Number three: Miss Saigon, as Miss Saigon.
But that's off the list when and if I ever start shaving.
Du, you're gay.
Excuse me? You're gay.
And you're not like Rock Hudson gay; you're really gay.
You sing like Diana Ross, and you dress like you own a magic chocolate factory.
Okay, why are you being so mean to me? What is wrong with any of that? It's who you are.
And I'm not saying that I'm ashamed of it.
The problem is that if I want to be an actor, I have to pass as straight to get the great romantic roles.
And I want those roles.
Every actor does.
But to not get a shot at it- I mean, it kills me.
I don't know if you've noticed, but no one's really looking for a Kurt Hummel type to play opposite Kate Hudson in a rom com.
Kurt, I say, if they're not writing movies and plays for performers like you, then you got to start writing your own.
I mean, you're awesome.
Change the rules.
Write your own history.
I'm just tired of being a unicorn, Dad.
You know what they call a unicorn without a horn? A freaking horse.
That's it.
All right, Finn.
You got this, buddy.
Come on.
Ha ha roo-ha ha.
You okay? I can't do this.
You can.
I can't.
Hey, who knows more about dancing- you or me? You.
That's right.
Look, I know you can do this.
And I believe in you.
One more time.
That's right.
Here we go.
There you go.
Good job, buddy.
That's great.
Can I help you, Quinn? I heard this was for people who needed a little help with their dance moves and want to win Nationals.
That's right.
So, I'm a little rusty.
And, uh would it be cool if I joined in? Absolutely.
Welcome back.
Get in here, girl.
You've been missed.
All right.
Oh, I've missed you.
All right, let's line it up.
Enough, enough.
All right, let's get in lines.
Booty Camp, here we go.
Line it up.
Oh, Kurt, um I'm proud of you.
I have to get her back.
If that takes dying my hair blonde and pretending that I think I'm special, that's something I'm willing to do.
We're going to get full custody.
Do you eat a whole chicken every day? I eat a whole chicken at every meal.
Well, hello, She-Hulk, Weepy the Vestclown.
Good one.
And Little Miss Golden Marmoset.
It's a Brazilian monkey, and seriously, it's your spitting image.
I'm going to send you a photo.
Are you still at FreakishBonyGinger@gmail? Oh hey, Sue, you hear the good news? Quinn is back in Glee Club, which sort of throws a wrench in your whole campaign commercial.
Well, actually, Butt Chin, couldn't have written it any better myself.
In fact, it gives my campaign a whole new narrative.
Quinn Fabray is an addict, and she's relapsed back into her Glee Club addiction.
Mmm.
You see, the arts are like crack, William, but much more addictive and not nearly as glamorous.
And my new spot airs tomorrow.
Sorry, Sue.
Your scare tactics are not going to work.
Well, they're already working, William.
You see, I've made hating the arts into a brand.
People are hurting, unemployment is up, the dollar is weak, and the arts smack of elitism and self-absorption, indulgence and privilege.
When times are tough, that's something that Americans cannot stomach.
Well, I just got a text from Becky, replete with hilarious auto-corrects.
Polling has me nine points up on my Republican challenger/ pizza magnate, Reggie "The Sauce" Salazar.
You know what that means? It means, today, I am in first place.
So I'm going to have a seat over there at the first place table.
Hey, you're free to join me- if any of you have ever come in first place.
Recently.
What are we going to do? We cannot let her win.
Then we got to find someone with credibility to run against her.
I mean, the anti-Sue.
Brittany, hey, hey.
Look.
Huh? You were absolutely right.
I need to celebrate who I am.
And I am unicorn.
Oh, I love my happy, happy unicorn.
Thank you.
I'm so proud of you.
So what do you say you come to my place after school and, uh, we'll give each other oatmeal facials and and watch Project Runway and, you know, talk campaign strategy while, uh, sampling some of my zero-cal loganberry pumpkin torte.
Huh? Huh? Thanks, um, but I can't.
Santana and I are working on campaign posters.
Oh, um, I I already have them.
No, for my campaign.
I decided to run, too.
'Cause, you know, the last six senior class presidents, they've all been guys, and look where that's got us- you know, teetering on a double-dip recession.
Besides, I'm also a unicorn.
Maybe a bi-corn.
Either way, I'm starting to believe in my own magic.
Good luck, Kurt.
I will see you at the debate, okay? Blaine Anderson.
Hi, guys.
Greetings.
Uh, what song will you be singing today? Uh, "Something's Coming.
" Could be Who knows? There's something due any day I will know right away Soon as it shows It may come cannonballing down through the sky Gleam in its eye, bright as a rose Who knows? It's only just out of reach Down the block, on a beach Under a tree I got a feeling there's a miracle due Gonna come true, coming to me Could it be? Yes, it could Something's coming, something good If I can wait Something's coming I don't know what it is But it is gonna be great With a click, with a shock Phone'll jingle, door'll knock Open the latch Something's coming, don't know when But it's soon, catch the moon One-handed catch Around the corner Or whistling down the river Come on Deliver To me Will it be? Yes, it will Maybe just by holding still It'll be there Come on, something, co on in Don't be shy, meet a guy Pull up a chair The air is humming And something great is coming Who knows? It's only just out of reach Down the block, on a beach Maybe tonight Maybe tonight Maybe tonight.
Whoo! I so want to give you a standing ovation right now.
Thank you.
Wait.
Wait.
On your audition form, you said you were only interested in the role of Bernardo.
Uh, yeah, or, um, Office Krupke.
Either one's fine.
Would you mind reading for Tony?