High School USA! (2013) Episode Scripts

N/A - Gun Control

1 They say cool is in the eye of the beholder.
But that's not true unless you're beholding our eyes.
And if you are, give them back so we can roll them at you, - because we're - Amber and Cassandra.
And it's time for your daily dose of cool.
We've seen a lot of guys on the track team wearing those barefoot running shoes that look like fake gross toes.
Uhh, not cool.
But you know what is cool? Your actual gross toes.
- Yeah.
- We say go barefoot! And now we have an extra-special bonus tip for all you cool seekers out there.
That's right, we're running together For school president! - Co-prezzies! - Our platform: Two girls, one seat! - Sounds cool! - And kinky.
So vote Amber/Cassandra, if you want High School U.
S.
A.
to be the coolest school in town.
And now for the morning sports report with Blackstein.
- Who is completely - Not cool.
Well I can't wait till I get old and my memories start to unfold about High School U.
S.
A these are the good old days my obituary will relay all my fun times here at High School U.
S.
A.
High School USA! 01x10 - Gun Control Great! That's perfect attendance today.
This homeroom is really looking up! Any questions before first period? Merriwhether.
Go ahead.
Mr.
Structor, what's up with the Bare feet?! Yeah.
Teachers can be cool guys too, Marsh.
No.
Your gun.
Oh! Ha ha ha ha! That's right.
The gun! Exciting, right? Well, a few of us teachers have been a little spooked by of some of you students lately.
I'm looking at you, weirdo.
So every teacher's going to be carrying a gun from now on.
And it insures school safety! I couldn't be more excited! Neat.
But what if a teacher loses his or her temper? Way ahead of you, buddy! Now obviously, we can't leave all you students completely defenseless like sitting ducks, so we decided we're arming all of you too.
With guns! This is so cool! I know, right? Guns are the coolest! Whoa ho ho, all right! You heard it here first, gang! The beholders of cool have spoken! When I call your name, come on up and pick out your very own gun! I can't put my finger on it, but something doesn't seem too cool about this, Brad.
Ugh.
I know.
Our last names are way down in the middle of the alphabet! Not cool.
All the best guns'll be gone by then! Merriwhether! Come and get it! - Philanders! You too! - Yes! Finally! Out of my way, Brainstein! I've got guns to touch.
No need to push.
Plenty of guns for everyone! Hmm.
I don't feel any cooler.
Hiya, son, how was your day? Oh hey, dad.
Look what they gave us in school today.
Yeah, I know how you feel.
Actually, I was hoping to talk to you about this.
Yeah yeah.
Ask me anything.
I'll talk.
I'll rat on anyone! I'll tell you anything you want to hear! Oh super, dad.
Well, you see, they handed these out to every kid in school today.
I have no problem with that! - Really? - Yeah! I swear to God! You gotta trust me, man! Please please please! I didn't see a thing.
I got a kid.
I know, dad, and I always trust you to tell me what to do.
All right, just don't get upset! Well, I guess I was a little upset.
No no! Don't say that.
It's cool, it's cool.
Huh I guess if you say it's cool, it must be cool.
Oh yeah! Guns in school are the coolest! Now will you let me go now? I'll just back up here real slowly.
Look, you can see my hands.
Yes, I can, dad.
Good night.
Whatever you say, man.
You're the boss.
Brad, take a photo of us for our campaign poster.
Wow, you two look hot.
Yeah, we know, stupid.
Hey! Who you calling stupid? Hey! Whoa whoa there, kids.
Now rule number one, you should never be angry with a gun in your hand.
It's both impolite and unseemly.
Sorry, officer dumphy.
Rule number two, always keep the safety off.
Because there ain't nothing safe about a gun that can't shoot.
Hey.
All done shooting my gun, officer d.
Well, copper nickels, Blackstein.
That's some fine shooting.
And oddly tender.
You gave that heartless criminal a heart.
And look, I even gave the victim a pretty necklace.
Not too shabby.
Why, you're a natural.
You get an "A+.
" Wow, I can't believe I'm actually good at something.
You're not just good, you're the best marksman in school.
That is so cool.
Um, who are you to say what's cool? Yeah, you're not us.
And we say what's cool.
It's that time of day again.
Are you ready for your daily dose? There's a new cool trend that's sweeping the halls of High School U.
S.
A.
but the tragic fact is, not everyone is cool enough to have a gun.
So, Cassandra and I are going to personally screen all of you.
To see if you're cool enough to protect yourself.
Hey.
Who gave you two jurisdiction to take guns away from people? Uh, we did.
Yeah, we're the co-prezzies of the student body.
Not yet, you're not.
The election isn't until Friday.
Yeah, and the only person running against us is that weirdo from home room.
We're shoe-ins.
So read it and weep.
Read what? Our minds.
'Cause we just gave you a piece of them.
Ow, my face.
Okay.
What kind of music do you like? Oh, I don't know.
Whatever music you girls like.
Huh.
Well that's pretty cool.
What kind of car do you drive? Actually, I don't have a license.
I'm 15.
I can't drive.
Knew it.
Not cool! Give us your gun.
Call us when your skin clears up.
Um, braces? Bare feet? That was so yesterday.
- Hand over the gun.
- Really? Hey, girls.
- Hey Amantha.
- Hey Samanda.
You guys look so cute.
- I know.
- Can you even stand it? - You guys keep your guns.
- Obviously.
Bye.
Ttyl.
See ya.
Fork it over, Blackstein.
Hey, no fair.
You didn't even check my background.
- We didn't need to.
- Yeah.
Your foreground is so uncool I can't even imagine what's going on behind you.
But I got an A+ in gun class.
Nerd alert.
Some things are more important than knowing how to use your gun.
Yeah.
Like looking good with one.
Marsh, they gook my gun away.
The only thing I was ever good at.
Well that's not cool.
You can't let them do that.
There's nothing I can do, Marsh.
The two of them are gonna be elected class president tomorrow.
Not if you beat them.
Me?! But how? I'm not even cool enough to carry a gun, let alone win an entire election.
It takes more than being cool to win an election.
Like what? A gun? Because I think we've covered that I'm not cool enough to carry one of those, Marsh.
My dad says every kid at school should own a gun.
And you're going to make that happen.
Oh, give me a shot I'll make your dreams jump start I'll pull out my big guns and point them right at your heart although I can't put a turkey in every pot I will still love you with vigor if you pull the trigger and just give me a shot.
And now, it's time to hear from the candidates themselves.
First up, running on the same ticket, my personal favs, Amber and Cassandra.
- Yay, Amber/Cassandra! - Whoo! Yeah! I know that when you look up here, you see the two coolest girls in school.
But that may not be for long.
If you elect that loser, Blackstein, everyone in school will have a gun, and there won't be any separation between the cool and uncool.
And that's a tragedy.
Yay! Amber and Cassandra forever! Okay.
I know who I'm voting for.
And I'm not even allowed to vote.
Next, we have the weirdo from home room.
You know what? Nobody wants to hear from you, so we're just gonna skip you.
Sound good? Great.
And now, speaking on behalf of the uncool kids, Lamort Blackstein.
Boo, right? Every nobody? Okay.
Fellow students, the idea that someone can decide who is cool enough to own a gun is controversial.
And I think maybe unconstitutional.
But I'm not sure.
I've never met someone that has actually read the constitution.
But what I do know is that discriminating against other students is not cool.
Students like myself, or students with bad skin, or students who are too young to drive should all be allowed to carry guns.
So in short, a vote for Blackstein is a vote for me.
And "me" means guns for everyone! Amber and Cassandra! Amber and Cassandra! You girls got this one in the bag.
Wait wait wait.
What if I told you every student who votes for Blackstein gets $1,000! Blackstein and money! Marsh, I can't believe you paid all that money just to get me elected.
You're a good friend, and an even gooder campaign manager.
Thanks.
But that wasn't my money.
- It wasn't? - No.
The national gun association heard about Amber and Cassandra taking guns away from kids, and they said they'd back you in the election.
Really? The national gun association? Hmm.
What nice guys.
You bet they are, Mr.
President.
Listen up, students of High School U.
S.
A.
Thanks to all of you who voted for Blackstein, now everyone gets to own a gun.
Which makes owning a gun not cool.
Yeah, I know I wouldn't be caught dead with one.
Totally.
And you know what else isn't cool? Student body presidents.
Aww.
- Amber? - Here.
- Brad? - Present.
Weirdo? Where's that weirdo? That's odd.
That creep had perfect attendance.
Whoa whoa whoa.
This guy.
- What? - Didn't you hear? Amber and Cassandra said that guns aren't cool anymore.
Wait, really? That sucks.
Hey hey.
Weirdo, sit down and watch your language.
And put your shoes back on.
Bare feet, so last week.
Am I right, Amber? Cassandra? Back me up, ladies.
Hello, goodbye.
Sync & corr by blue150683