High School USA! (2013) Episode Scripts

N/A - Sweet 16

1 Where do we begin with Seymour Barren? He was many things, but mostly he was very very very very old.
Oh hey, officer Dumphy.
It's detective Dumphy now.
I was promoted.
See? They gave me a magnifying glass.
- Cool.
So what's your first case? - Why, you're looking at it.
An 80-year-old life-long smoker dropping dead during his third heart attack? Why, it just doesn't add up.
Now if you don't mind, I've got some detecting to do.
Gee, Cassandra, I'm super sorry to hear about your dad, especially since he died a week before your Sweet 16.
Now he'll never get you that car that he promised.
Epic fail! Actually, it's kind of an epic win, because his dying wish was to use his life insurance to buy me an even cooler car than he could have afforded when he was alive.
- Isn't that great, in a sad way? - Oh, yeah! Congratu-dolences! New word! Hmm, interesting.
Hey, where's Marsh? He loves when his friends are sad so he can console them.
Yeah, what's wrong with him? He's missing all the fun.
Uh, what's fun about a funeral? Everything.
Death's hilarious! Being all alive all the time and then suddenly not anymore? - Forever? Funerals are a hoot! - Not if you're the widow.
Cassandra's mom just lost her life-partner.
I don't know.
She seems to be coping pretty well.
Well, I can't wait till I get old And my memories start to unfold about High School U.
S.
A.
These are the good old days My obituary will relay All my fun times here at High School U.
S.
A.
Dear, this is Otto.
He was your father's best friend.
Oh, that's why you're making out with him.
No, I've always been in love with Otto.
You see, 70 years ago, I married your father to make Otto jealous, and it worked.
Otto fell madly in love with me.
But by then it was too late.
Suddenly I mysteriously found myself married to your father.
Out of respect for Seymour, we waited till he was good and dead - before we started to have sex.
- Yuck.
One more thing - Otto has a 78-year-old daughter Gladice and she'll be moving in with us.
Here she is, my baby girl.
Wow! A new car and an older sister? This is gonna be the best Sweet 16 ever! Let's go, big sis! You can show me the ropes of blossoming into a woman and then shriveling away.
Now let's go upstairs so I can take a nap all over your BEEP.
Hey, Gang, I'm gonna call an audible here and scrap today's lesson in order to talk about death.
We had a little bit of it happen to one of our student's fathers yesterday.
And I think it would be healthy if we all just sat here casually and rapped about dying.
- Ha ha ha-AAA! - Brad, please, I'm trying to talk about death.
- That's that word again! - Hey, you know what? Maybe Brad has the right idea after all.
I mean, we all take death too seriously.
Come on, everybody, let's laugh a little at death.
Now just the right side.
Now just the girls! Ladies, I can't hear you! Now just the Gang.
Hey, Marsh, why aren't you laughing at death? Well, I guess I just don't get it.
Oh hi, Cassandra.
- You didn't have to come in today.
- Pfft, well, I'm not staying.
I just came by to announce that my Sweet 16 is still on.
- Yes! - Uh, you're not invited.
Okay, that's a bit of a stinger, but I get it.
I also wanted to show off my new older sister! No fair, I want one! She's taking me to the mall to buy a new outfit so why don't you come along and help me pick it out.
Whatever you need to grieve! Gang, you heard her, get on out of here! Hey, Marsh, aren't you coming? Uh, I don't want to dead I mean, I don't want to dad I mean, I don't want a dead dad.
Class dismissed! Hey! Hmm, he seemed like he was in a hurry To a murder!? Hey you! Save some for the fish! There you are, Marsh! Um, I can't believe you missed hanging out with Cassandra's older sister.
You just gotta feel her hands, they're so cold.
She sounds awesome.
I just don't know if I can hang out with Cassandra anymore.
What are you talking about? Yeah, now is when Cassandra needs us the most.
But, guys, she's not like us anymore.
She's from a broken home now.
Her dad's gone.
Uh, so's your mom.
She left your dad years ago.
Yeah, but at least she's still walking the earth.
I mean, Cassandra's dad is never coming back.
- He's dead.
- Ha ha! I'm just scared I'll say the wrong thing around her and make it worse.
Marsh, you just need to talk to her.
I can't! I mean, what if I talk about her dad's heartbeat or his pulse or his breathing? Or his body temperature being 98° and not zero? You'd better get over this death thing quickly, because tonight's her Sweet 16.
- Oh, I'm not going! - What!? It's not a big deal, she doesn't need me to go.
She'll have you guys and her mom and her dad with his beating heart.
Whoops! See, there I go.
- Hey, Mr.
Structor.
- Oh.
I'm sorry if I'm interrupting anything, Mr.
Merriwether.
- I can come back later.
- Don't be sorry.
I'm just watching my ex-wife and her new husband's wedding tape.
Take a look! Oh, what a beautiful couple! Hey hey hey, wedding guests only! It's all right, I'm her ex-husband.
It's What a magical day.
What can I help you with while the tape rewinds? - Well, I was hoping I could talk to Marsh.
- Is everything okay? I'm just a little concerned about him because Say no more! Good thing you're here! Marsh is in his bedroom.
Don't you want to know what's wrong with your son? Hey, man, you're the teacher.
You teach.
I'm just the father.
I fath.
Call me when it's time to fath! Whoa, slow down, tubby.
- Save some for the fish.
- Do you want some? Do I look like somebody who binge eats to avoid dealing with his emotions? No, sir.
Now I want to talk to you about Cassandra's dad's death.
What's that, Mr.
Structor? It's kinda hard to hear you under all this flavor! Put the fork down.
It's a fact of life - Everyone dies, even dads.
But I don't want to think about my dad dying.
No one does.
Look, Marsh, in a perfect world, children would die before their parents.
But that's not how Mother Nature works.
That crazy bitch has got it all backwards.
- But - No buts, Marsh.
You need to face death right in the face.
And I know exactly where to begin.
Gee, when you said I needed to face death, I thought you meant that as a metaphor.
Oh, I did.
But then that metaphor gave me the grave-robbing idea.
Jackpot! Freeze, murderers! - Oh hey, detective Dumphy! - You murdered Seymour Barren and now you're here to destroy the evidence! No, Mr.
Structor's helping me get over my fear of death so I can go to Cassandra's Sweet 16.
Oh.
Well, would you two mind if I took the body to perform an autopsy? Sure.
After we're done, you can do whatever you want with the body.
Whoa whoa whoa! If I did whatever I wanted with that body, I'd have to send myself to jail and throw away the key.
Hey, Marsh, are you ready to face death? Yes, sir.
Hmmm.
I'll take that one! Would you like to name him before we cook him? - Yeah, let's call him "Eatie.
" - Eatie it is.
Come, Eatie.
Time for your warm bath.
Hey, Cassandra, mind if I cut in? My older sister doesn't dance with nerds! Now get out of here! Cassandra's really hogging her older sister.
Yeah, Cassandra, save some for the fish! Honey, are you ready to open your big gift? Marsh should be here soon and I prefer to brag and gloat in front of all my friends.
- Hey, Cassandra! - Marsh, there you are! - You made it.
- And I made it too.
Ugh, Mr.
Structor, I told you you weren't invited.
Oh, that's right.
I thought this was a different event, an adults party.
See ya kids Monday.
What's with the hilarious coffin, Marsh? Wait, is it a clown or a dead guy jumping out? Please say a dead guy.
Clowns freak me out.
Unless they're dead.
Then I'm pretty neutral.
Marsh, why would you bring my dad's coffin here? Are you trying to ruin my Sweet 16? No, it's my present to you.
Open it! - Oh, cool! - Hi there, kids! Detective Dumphy? What are you doing in there? I'm in here 'cause no one else was.
Because your father was never dead.
If my dad's alive, then how did he buy me such an expensive car? Because he didn't! Oh my God, my car! What happened to my car? I want to gloat! You see, your dad faked his death and had his will set up to buy you a car, so he could steal it along with the rest of his insurance money and run off with his the real love of his life - Otto.
- Otto! Otto? Otto and Seymour were queers.
Detective Dumphy, how did you figure this all out? Why, I just used my trusty magnifying glass to break a window into the Barren home.
Then I looked at this photo with my bare eyes I wanted to give the magnifying glass a break, so it didn't run out of its magnifying power.
This is awful.
My Sweet 16 is ruined.
But look on the bright side - Since your dad's alive I don't have to get over him being dead.
And now you and I can still be friends.
Yeah! That is a way to think about it.
Thanks, Marsh.
Oh, monsieur Marsh, would you like some cheesecake? No, thanks.
I'm gonna save that For the fish.
What's the matter, Brad? This should be a happy ending for all of us.
I'm just bummed that there's no hilarious death around to laugh at.
Oh, cheer up, Brad! Here's some delicious lobster.
Eatie, no-oooo! He's dead! We're all doomed! I changed my mind.
Death isn't funny.
Classic, Brad!