Home Improvement s01e24 Episode Script

Ah.
And thus you have a beautifully decorated nameplate for your home.
So when you come to my door, whose house is it, AI? Rolyat Mit.
All you gotta do is read it, and it says "Rolyat Mit.
" How did I screw that up? Well, anyway, that's just one of the uses for a scrolling saber saw.
Another way to make a scroll cut is use your coping saw.
Say, AI, do you suppose they call these coping saws 'cause they're good at handling stress? I don't think so, Rolyat.
Thanks, AI.
I mean, La.
Anyway, all this week, La and I will be doing our salute to saws.
Now, to most people, saws just mean noise, wood chips, and maybe a missing finger or two.
Not to me.
To me, a saw says the sound of power, something a man can relate to.
Yeah, now this bad boy is raw power.
"Uhh," yourselves, yeah.
This is a 3.
5-cubic inch chain saw.
Automatic oil, manual chain style.
Aah! You won't have this thing too long before you hear the wife going, "Are you sure you're supposed to have that running in the bedroom?!" You want to cut down on the noise, put some tape across her mouth.
I'm kidding.
AI, the women know I'm kidding, right? That's Tim "He's Not Kidding" Tay Boy, I'm tired of that sign, AI.
Besides, the women know I'm kidding.
If not, they're probably too busy yapping to hear me anyway.
That's Tim Taylor, care of Tool Time, - P.
O.
Box 327 - Al.
Al Does the words "job search" mean anything to you at all? What I'm trying to say here is that tools in general don't just have to make banging, crashing, sawing noises.
Tools can also make music.
And to prove my point, I've got a special guest invited here to Tool Time.
So I expect a big Tool Time welcome for Miss Janeen Rae Heller! Hi, Janeen.
This is my assistant, AI.
Oh, I'm a big fan of yours, AI.
Thanks for that.
Why don't you sit right down here? As we all can plainly see, Janeen's got an ordinary Binford cross-cut saw, which means we're gonna have her build us a sun porch.
No, Tim, I'm gonna be playing music.
Music to even the most sensitive of ears.
Hit it, Janeen.
- Any requests? - Well, maybe Uh, well, yes.
I have one.
It's from my favorite movie.
Do you know the theme to Dumbo? Tim, that's my favorite movie about an elephant.
- I would like to hear "Greensleeves.
" - Oh, let's party.
I know that.
(I "Greensleeves?" - Would you turn that down, please? - What? Turn it down! It's hurting my ears.
Hurt your ears? I barely have it on.
- Turn it down, turn it down - You'll break the See? Isn't that much better? Is the stereo on, hon? When you listen to it that loud, it just sounds terrible.
Music is to be experienced.
That's why you got to crank it up.
Isn't that better? No.
- Oh, I don't believe this.
- What's wrong? I think I blew out the woofer in these things.
Well, can you fix that? You know, these are old.
Why don't we buy new speakers? No.
No, no, no Think about it.
They're great.
I been reading a lot about speakers.
They're changing.
Five-way bass reflex, right? Triple-crossover networks.
It excites me so much when you talk about conductors, - high response - Jill - megahertz, tweeters - You got a minute? - Woofers.
- You got a minute now? - Can I speak for just one second here? - All right.
They're new.
Everything's got magnetic dampening to cooling, mini-tweeters.
They got aluminum diaphragms now in 'em.
You just rest.
I'm going down to Lucky G's Stereo and check it out.
You're not gonna buy anything but speakers, right? - Nothing else.
- No.
No.
Maybe look at amps.
Digital audio's out.
Kinda cool.
You stay here.
I'll go buy the speakers.
Jill, please, please, please, please, please stay here.
You go, you'll end up getting matching woodgrain and a soft décor - to go with carpets, chairs and linoleum.
- Mm-hmm.
Men's speakers.
That's what I'm after.
Speakers with attitude.
Speakers that haven't shaved in a couple of days, that's it.
Before you get all these hairy speakers, I want you to stop and think to yourself, "What would Jill want me to buy?" I always do that.
- Well, listen this time.
- All right.
I'll buy sensible speakers, but we could upgrade the amp, I could boost the power and rewire No boosting, no rewiring.
I just want something simple that I can turn on.
Like me.
Not that simple.
- Dad, are these good speakers? - You bet.
The best.
Dual concentric design speaker elements with the tweeter inside the woofer.
Woof! OK, you get the doughnuts.
I'll distract Dad.
Hey, Dad.
Yes, son.
- How's it going? - OK.
I got a question for you.
How do you build a house? That's a good question.
All right, first you select the site where you're gonna build.
Then you pick the style of house, and then you put the doughnuts right back in the cupboard.
Aw, man! Where you going? I haven't finished.
Then you pour the foundation Later, Dad.
Dad, I found the instructions.
You said there weren't any.
Real men don't use instructions, son.
Besides, this is just the manufacturer's opinion of how to put this together.
We got a better way, don't we? - Yeah! - Yeah! While I got you, help me take these boxes out to the garbage, all right? Hi-de-ho, big neighbor and little neighbor.
Hi, Wilson.
I see you got yourself some stereo equipment.
- State of the art, my friend.
- Mm-hmm.
I was looking for speakers, but I ended up with a whole entertainment center.
So you and Jill went shopping together.
She couldn't make it, so I'm hoping to surprise her.
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm-hmm.
Wait till she sees the CD player.
Eight times oversampling.
Holds 18 CDs.
We could party all night, man.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Your lovely wife just came in, and I think you're right.
She does look surprised.
Well, Jill? What do you think? How much did it cost? Well, not a lot, considering all the titanium How much?! Well nothing.
Actually, it's on a five-day trial.
If you don't like it, you get your money back.
I thought you were gonna ask yourself, "What would Jill want me to buy?" I asked her.
This is what she said.
Ohh No, the-the salesman down at the stereo place Biff said "Are you into opera?" - Oh, Biff asked you that? - Yeah.
And he said that if you are, you'd like the Dolby Pro Logic Surround Sound.
- Oh, I see.
Yeah.
- Yeah.
- So you just bought all this stuff for me.
- Absolutely.
- What is this thing right there? - Your new police scanner.
Gee, thanks.
It's just what I always wanted.
I was gonna wait for our anniversary, but, you know It's a special time for me.
Why are you so obsessed with all this gadgetry? This is way too complicated.
- This couldn't be simpler.
- Oh, yeah? OK, then you tell me, how do I turn the TV on? Piece of cake.
Set your pre-amp, turn on your amp, set VTR button to "TV," sound system acoustical or flat, Dolby up one "C," flip on your monitor.
Tim, box it up, open the door, put it in the car, take it back.
Look, I anticipated your techno-fright.
Watch what I did.
I rewired the whole system to be sound-sensitive.
What's that? Listen to this.
You just turn the whole unit on, OK? Now, you want the TV on? Clap once.
Come on.
See'? Oh, no, uh, TV's twice.
Three times TV.
There OK, this won't do.
OK Just turn it all off.
Tim Turn off! Stop it! Hello! Ho! Ho! Ho! Look, I have a very technical solution.
- Yah - It worked.
- Tim? - ' Yeah? I have a question about this remote you installed, where you clap.
Uh-huh.
When we're watching the opera tomorrow and the audience applauds, will that turn the TV off? Help me out and grab that bare wire for me, will you, please? I don't want to be a nagging wife.
Well, then how will I recognize you? Ahh! All right, you're loving and supporting.
Let go! What are you, a mud wrestler on the weekends? Mark, your ride is here! Get a move on! "For the series of your equipment, "locate audio-in jack and auxiliary output.
For VCR and CD, reverse process or go" Ah, jeez.
Do I go in from the output or out from the input? - Hi-de-ho, neighbor.
- Hi, Wilson.
Did you get that sound system hooked up yet? Oh, yeah.
Piece of cake, man.
- Can I ask you a question? - Woof my tweeter, Tim.
When you listen to your music, do you have it up so loud it rattles the walls? I used to, Tim, but nowadays when I pound on the bongos that hard, it just makes my palms sore.
Right.
Jill thinks I'm obsessed with all this stereo technology.
- Mm-hmm-hmm.
- That's not it, you know.
I like the loud music, but I like sound.
That's what I like.
I like 20 megahertz roaring through my body, shaking my bladder.
My brain's blasting, my stomach's quivering Aw“.
Oh, yes, yes, yes.
See, it's not unlike what the ancient Greeks felt during a dithyramb.
- Dithyramb? - Mm-hmm.
How do you spell that? Well, let's just say a poem with wild and irregular rhythms.
- Let's just say that.
- Right.
The dithyramb actually was a prelude to Greek theater.
There was much stylized dancing and chanting as 50 naked men danced to the beat of a drum.
I think there's a place like that down by the airport.
One of my favorite dithyrambs actually is quite similar to the chorus in a play by Aeschylus.
"Give ear to my dithyramb.
Ho!" "My flesh crawls while I listen to them pray.
"The day of doom has waited long.
"Oh, pain, grown into the race and blood-dripping stroke "and grinding cry of disaster moaning and impossible weight to bear.
" Hmm.
I am cleansed.
These guys would do that naked? Thank you all.
Thank you all.
- Ar-ar! - Ar-ar yourselves.
Cut it out.
Welcome to the show.
We have a very special program.
I'm Tim Taylor.
This is my assistant AI "I Wish I Could Be Tim Taylor" Borland.
Like I said, we have a very special show today.
You mean you're not going to break anything, Tim? Maybe just your contract, fella.
Last time, if you remember, we saw Janeen Rae Heller play her saw.
That's right.
You remember seeing Janeen play the saw? Yes, Tim, I've seen her saw.
So, you say you saw her saw? Yes, I saw her saw.
So? So now you're saying you saw her sew.
Not so.
I've seen her saw.
I see.
Well, enough of that nonsense.
Anyway, after the show, we got a terrific letter from the guys at K&B Construction Company.
Boy, were they pumped.
They wrote me, and I was excited to see 'em, so I've invited them down here to Tool Time, and I want you all to give a big Tool Time welcome to the boys from K&B Construction, Bay City, Michigan Rock, Dwayne, Pete and Juke! It's really nice to have you back again.
Great to be back, Timmy.
We were so inspired by Janeen's performance on that saw, next day we went out to the job site and just started listening to the sounds of the tools around us.
We kept hearing the reverberation of steel on steel Oh, yeah.
- Sledgehammers crackin' concrete - Ar-ar-ar! And jackhammers bustin' cement! Yes! Yeah, it was a veritable cacophony, culminating in a creative crescendo.
Timmy, it was amazing.
Old Juke here whipped out his mouth harp, started playing along with those sounds.
Musical magic was happening right there, way above the traffic.
You guys making music like that reminds me of a dithyramb.
You know, that Greek thing where 50 guys get out naked and dance in a field? Ha! You know what You know what I mean.
Well, we don't have time for that, Tim.
See, we only get an hour off for lunch.
Rock, what do you have for us? Oh, well, Timmy, the guys and I have formed a band.
I'll be playing the angle grinder and a 55-gallon drum.
Tim, I'm gonna be on the galvanized piping chimes and also on the anvil.
Tim, I'll be on the trash can, the gas cans and the wrench.
In fact, Tim, I am the entire rhythm section.
And, Timmy, the lovely Janeen is back to fill in the melody.
Oh, God.
Oh.
Janeen, thank you for returning to the show.
- Why don't you sit right here? - Thanks, Tlm.
My body's quivering right now just thinking about this.
People like this build together to build a band that plays with only tools.
I guess, AI, we could call this "heavy metal.
" I don't think so, Tim, but I do find them riveting.
That's a good one, AI.
Timmy, you're gonna love this.
We wrote this one just for you.
We call it "The Ratchet Rhapsody.
" We-e-e-ell.
Making their television debut right here on Tool Time, K&B and the boys and Janeen.
Rock, let's roll! Pete! That would be me.
Ba-ba-da-ba, ba-da-da Ba-ba-da-ba-da Ba-ba-da-ba, ba-da-da Ba-da Ba-da-ba-da-da-da Come on, Pete! Take it, Pete! Whoo! - Whoo! - Whoo! AI! Whoa! Oh, yeah! Thank you! Thank you! Ar-ar-ar! Thank you.
Thank you! Whoo! OK, Tim, are you ready? Yeah, Dad, we wanna listen to the speakers.
Prepare to be amazed.
I've got 500 watts running through this bad boy.
Is it safe for us to be sitting here? It's as safe as any other job I've done.
- OK, boys, let's go.
- Hey, hey, hey, hey, come back here! I mean it.
Sit down here.
All right, Ms.
Negativity, prepare yourself for a lovely Sunday afternoon at the Metropolitan Opera in beautiful Surround Sound.
I'll adjust the acoustic level to "concert hall.
" Whoa, that's wonderful, Tim, but turn it down.
I'm trying, damn it.
R's stuck.
- I talked to the insurance agent.
- I hope they're gonna pay for this.
Yeah, they are, but they're doubling our deductible.
Why? They seem to think that you're accident-prone.
Where are they getting that idea? Well, Tim, just stop and think about it.
AI, I was gonna get to that.
Lawn ho! Whoo! Whoa! Aah! I see.
I get that point.
I do.
Whoa! Why don't I just open my shirt and let him crawl right in, huh? Uhh! Ohh Ahh! Lawn ho!