Home Improvement s02e04 Episode Script

Today we get to mess with a Binford You know, Al, they say that breaking up is hard to do.
Evidently, Neil Sedaka never played with one of these bad boys.
This can make some real noise.
Ar-ar-ar-ar-oh-oh-ar-ar-ar You're right, Tim.
That's why we'll be protecting our hearing with these soft, foam-filled, plastic-cushioned earmuffs.
That's right, Al, and as any ZZ Top fan knows, hearing loss begins at 85 decibels.
At 100 decibels you have your ordinary 10-inch table saw.
At 120 decibels you have your 12-inch radial arm saw.
And very dangerous, at 180 decibels, you have your unbelievable 68-inch mother-in-law.
Just kidding, Nana.
Al Earmuffs on.
All right, plug me in, Al.
I'll need to get AC power to this thing quick, all right? Plug it in, Al.
Al! Al! Fly's down.
You're fired! You know, ladies, as Al's best friend, I'd like to talk you about him for a minute if I could.
The beard, pretty cheesy-looking, isn't it? And those flannel shirts do nothing for me.
And as Al's dating record will attest, they don't do much for him either.
Well, what do you think? Can we put the kids in the middle? Here's the last of them.
It's really nice of your mom to give us these encyclopedias.
- What are you doing with the trunk? - Putting books in it.
This thing's gonna weigh a ton! You know, I've got two boxes in the garage for this.
Well, that's silly.
We'll just use this and you don't have to make two trips.
Right.
I'll be making two trips anyway.
One to the garage and one to the hospital.
Oh, honey, you can do this.
You used to bench-press your body weight in college.
You're heavier now, you should be able to lift more.
If that were true, you should be able to lift the whole The whole what? The whole-wheat bread over there.
I got the lead! - Oh! - Yeah! My baby got the lead! - Oh, he's gonna play Peter Pan.
- Good going, buddy! I knew it! I knew that he had that spark, you know, that thing that says: - "I am an artist.
I live for the theater.
" - Down, Jill.
Down I told you this, you know, when he was in that Christmas pageant all the other kids stood up on the stage.
Randy stood up on the stage.
Well, he probably gets it from you, hon.
'Cause you don't just burn meatloaf, you bu-u-urn meatloaf.
I'm just glad I finally have a kid who appreciates culture.
Yeah, and the best part is I get to miss social studies for a month! - Honey, what is this? - Nothing.
Oh, yeah? - "Desires Passion in the Wind" - It's nothing.
I just bought it in the grocery store line.
- And these? - No "Desires Real Passion" "The Sweet Kiss of Desire" "Desire and the Leprechaun" Cut it out.
You know, I didn't know you liked books like this.
I know it sounds silly, but, you know, they're actually very well-written.
Really? "Her heart stood still as Derek swept her into his arms.
" "His sinewy biceps rippled as he carried her up the stairs to a night of eternal ecstasy.
" Oh, please.
OK, so I enjoy cheap romance and drama.
Fine.
I'll bring some hand puppets to the bedroom.
Come on, I'll help you get this over out to the garage.
Whoa.
This is a lot heavier than I thought it was.
Maybe Derek could help you with those sinewy biceps.
He probably could.
He's only 21.
- Step aside, little lady.
- Oh, come on, Tim.
I was just teasing you.
A minute ago you were asking me to carry it.
No, no, no.
That was before I knew how heavy it was.
- You don't think I can carry this? - Maybe, if there weren't any books in it.
- I can lift it with the books.
- Oh, come on, Tim! - You're gonna hurt yourself.
- Oh.
Watch my biceps ripple one by one.
Trunk of desire.
It's all in the legs, babe.
Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Gee! Argh! Argh! - Do you have to go to the bathroom, Dad? - I don't think I I don't think I'm ever gonna go to the bathroom again.
Oh! - What happened? - I pulled my groin.
- What's that? - My very favorite muscle.
- I'll get Mom.
- No, no, no, no.
Don't tell your mother.
Don't tell your mother.
Why not? Whenever I get hurt she makes me feel better.
Well, that's regular pain, this is man pain.
How do you know if you have regular pain or man pain? If you do something stupid it's probably man pain.
But if you don't tell Mom, isn't that lying? Not if you don't say the words.
If you said the words it'd be lying.
- What if she asks me? - Lie! Lisa.
Al, Al.
Can you come here? I need some help.
I don't believe that's part of my job description, Tim.
Just stand there and block my view and tell me if anybody's coming, OK? Mm-hm.
Butterfly's loose.
Do you ever feel like your whole groin is on fire? Every night, Tim.
- 15 seconds, guys.
- Thanks, Lisa.
What happened is I pulled a groin muscle yesterday at home.
I went to the doc's this morning.
He said I'm not supposed to lift anything heavy.
So we have to change the format of the show a little bit today.
- You're gonna have to do all the work.
- And what would the change be, Tim? Does anybody know what time it is? Tool Time! That's right! Binford Tools is proud to present Tim "the tool man" Taylor.
Thank you.
Ah, thank you very much.
Welcome to Tool Time I'm your host, Tim "the tool man" Taylor.
And, of course, we all know my assistant, Al.
Al, what are we up to today? Well, Tim, today we're gonna be showing you how to patch up your sidewalk or driveway.
And to do that we're gonna need to mix up some concrete.
That's right, concrete.
Cement, sand, gravel and water.
A man's Play-Doh.
Ha-ha.
The best place to get concrete, of course, is a cement truck.
But, of course, none of us have a cement truck.
But we'd all like one, wouldn't we? Who wouldn't want 65,000 pounds out of a hydraulic diesel-powered truck, oh yeah.
Ten-yarder, 15 chutes spitting water and gravel, churn But quite frankly, who needs 65,000 pounds of cement? Nobody.
Not unless you have your mother-in-law visiting and you want to make her some Loafers.
Just kidding, Nana.
Speaking of loafers, Al, why don't we mix up that concrete? Well, since we'll only be mixing up a small amount, all we'll need is a wheelbarrow, water, sand and cement.
Sounds like that recipe for the cookies you brought in yesterday.
- My mother made those, Tim.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
Hope she's dating a dentist.
- Here you go, Tim! - No! I don't want We'll be right back after these messages from B-Binfor - Hey, shut up, Brad.
- Boys.
Face it, you're the king of dorks.
Dad, look.
Oh, oh.
Yeah, this is my costume.
I look like an elf.
- No, elves have those pointed shoes.
- Yeah, like these? Exactly like those.
Yeah.
They even match his sissy green tights.
Cut it out.
They're not sissy.
All your superheroes wear tights.
Superman, Batman, Spider-Man.
- Wonder Woman.
- Hey, shut up! You gotta wear tights if you fly, it's an FAA regulation.
It's aerodynamic or something.
Yeah, but I'm not gonna fly.
What do you mean, you're not gonna fly? You gotta fly.
You're the Pan man, man.
Yeah, well, Mrs.
Mellor says I'm supposed to, like, prance.
Oh, boy.
Oh, boy.
No, no, no! No, stop doing Don't do that! No! Men don't prance.
We walk, we run, we s skip if no one's looking, we jump, that sort of stuff.
But we don't ever, ever, prance.
Oh, oh.
Yeah, but I can't fly.
The school doesn't have the equipment.
- They don't? - No, and nobody knows how to build it.
- Nobody knows how to build it? - Wait.
Dad.
Dad, no.
- Dad, cut it out.
No.
Dad.
- Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
You wanna fly? I'm the guy who can fly you.
A double-ratchet pulley system.
Counterweight or something.
I can get you flying at 90mph around that school.
Well, yeah.
I'd rather prance.
No one ever died in a prancing accident.
You know, as I see it, fella, you got two choices.
One, you're soaring 30 feet in the air.
Swooping, diving, twisting, turning over the audience, they're looking up going: "What's he flying for? What's he What's he gonna do to us?" Or prance around in that dorky little green outfit wearing elf shoes.
- Fly me.
- Yes, yes, yeah, ow! Ow! Oh! - I'm home! - H-honey, honey.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Are the the kids home? - Randy just went upstairs.
Oh.
You wanna help me with the groceries? Jill.
I wanna tell you something.
Yesterday, when I lifted that trunk Oh, well, that is so weird that you mention that.
'Cause I have been thinking about it all day.
What? - Well, I know that I told you not to do it.
- Yeah, you were right.
And I know that I'm supposed to be way past this, it's kind of embarrassing, in fact, but I gotta tell you - I know, I know what you're gonna say.
it really turned me on.
Huh? Hey, Mom, is it OK if I go to Tommy's? Please.
When you heaved that trunk up onto those powerful arms and I saw all those muscles rippling, I thought, "Whoa.
" "That is no boy.
That's my man.
" - Where are we going? - We're going upstairs.
Upstairs? Mm, mm.
Mm, mm.
OK.
- We'll go upstairs.
- Tim.
What is it? - Carry me.
- Huh? Aaarghhh! Oh, honey, I am so sorry.
I didn't mean to hurt you.
Honey, this isn't your fault.
No, it's not my fault.
I jumped into your arms.
OK, it was your fault.
What do you want me to do for you? Shall I get you some ice? Ice would be good.
I'm no doctor, but I think I pulled my groin muscle.
Oh, no.
- Mark, have you seen the ice pack? - It's in the garage.
I'll get it.
What is it doing in the garage? Brad made a parachute for Mrs.
Thomson's cat.
What? It didn't work.
- Why do you need an ice pack? - Well, Daddy hurt himself.
You mean he told you about his man pain? His man pain? What man pain would that be? It's pain I'm not supposed to tell you about.
- Oh, I already know about that.
- You know he hurt his favorite muscle? Sure.
I just don't know how he did it, you know.
How did he do that? - Carrying the trunk.
- Oh, right.
Carrying the trunk.
- Is Daddy going to be OK? - Oh, yeah.
Daddy's gonna be fine.
Mommy's gonna take good care of Daddy.
Oh, honey, I just I feel so bad.
You know, I just I never realized that I weigh so much more than that trunk.
Honey, that trunk didn't give birth to three kids.
That's right.
You know, I think maybe you hurt me worse than I thought.
Probably be a good idea if I just sat on the couch all week and watched football.
I'd feel better I think.
Well, that's a good idea.
Oh, and you know what else? I could I could get you a little bell and you could ring it whenever you need me.
- That's silly.
If I need you I'll just yell.
- Oh.
Good idea.
Here's your ice.
Hey, he-he-hey, hey! Oh! Well, pookums.
Did I hurt your man pain? Mark, you squealer! She tricked me! Hi-de-ho, neighbor.
Hey, Wilson.
- Now, what are you doing over there? - Oh.
I'm designing a pulley system to fly Randy for his school play.
He's playing Peter Pan.
- I notice you're hobbling there, Tim.
- Yeah.
I pulled my groin muscle trying to lift this trunk for Jill.
Ow-Chihuahua.
Well, if you needed help, why didn't you call me? Oh.
I wanted to show her that I could do it myself.
Oh, I see.
After all this time you still want to impress your bride.
Yeah, that's kinda it.
You know, Jill and I have been married for 13 years.
- 14.
- 14 years, you know.
I still try to show off for her now and then.
I think what you did had a certain nobility.
You see, Tim, you were being a peacock.
- That's good, huh? - Oh, yes.
You were trying to impress your peahen by displaying your plumage.
God, and I pulled the heck out of my plumage.
Mm-hm-hm-hm-hm.
- What's really bothering you, Tim? - It's nothing.
Well, Wilson, I'm confused.
You know, I'm carrying this trunk of books and I find out she likes these books about all these guys with rippling muscles, you know, so I wanted to, you know, show her my rippling muscles and these guys end up carrying women off upstairs to ecstasy and I pull a groin muscle.
Well, Tim, Tim, Tim, I think you've got something over these young guys.
- You do? - Uh-huh.
Yes, it's best summed up in an ancient Chinese proverb.
It goes: W- w-wait, wait Is that Peking dialect? I am so sorry, Tim.
It may lose a bit in the translation, but it goes: "A great lover is not one who romances a different woman every night.
" "A great lover is one who romances the same woman for a lifetime.
" That's something to think about, isn't it? Is there anything you don't know, Wilson? I don't know.
Pay attention, boys, I'll show you how it's done.
Dad, when is the ice-cream truck coming? How am I supposed to know? See, I told you, stupid, look.
Peter Pan is always played by a woman.
- No way.
- Look at the pictures.
Mary Martin, Sandy Duncan.
Oh, no.
- Dad, why isn't the ice-cream truck here? - I don't know.
Dad, why didn't you tell me it's a girl's part? I can't do this.
No, no.
We're Taylors, we're not quitters.
And besides, just 'cause a woman does it, it doesn't mean a man can't do it.
It's time for you to reclaim Peter Pan.
Make him your kinda guy.
You know, a guy that ice-skates and goes on a skateboard, a man's man, a guy with a hairy chest.
Dad, is the ice-cream truck coming soon? Would you forget about the ice-cream truck for a minute? Oh.
Oh.
- Brad, let's start flying.
Pull the rope.
- Dad, there's no way we can fly you.
Yes, there is a way you can fly me.
You know why? Because I've got all these pulleys counterweighted, OK? This isn't just piano wire, this is aircraft cable.
We could lift Nana with this stuff.
- Wow.
- You're darn right, wow.
All right, fly me like an eagle.
Pull it up like I showed you.
Argh! No wonder men don't play this part.
Guys, hold it.
I don't have it rigged right.
Oh.
No.
Oh.
Oh.
- Stop, please.
- Come on, Dad, think happy thoughts.
You're married.
You're out of the house.
Now, go on.
Get back.
Get back.
All right.
Now, fly me.
Go! Go! It's that simple.
- Tim, what are you doing? - He's flying, Mom.
Are you crazy? Come on, guys, fly me up so I can see my peahen.
- Mom, Dad called you a pea brain.
- That's not what I said.
Come on, guys, all together, pull me up there.
- Get me up high.
- Mark, Randy, grab the rope.
- What are you doing? - Just hear me out, hon.
Well, stop it.
Get down from there! - I'm just trying to explain the groin thing.
- You don't have to explain.
I'm sorry I put the ice down your pants.
Don't be sorry about that.
It melted.
It felt great.
Just get down.
Come on.
You can come inside.
I was just trying to impress you.
And you know what I thought? I don't need a different Chinese woman every night.
- What? - I just need you for the rest of my life.
- You see, after 13 years of marriage - 14.
I want you still to be impressed with me.
I am impressed with you.
Now, come inside before you hurt yourself.
I know what I'm doing.
I'm flying, honey! Backwards.
That's not easy.
I'm a peacock.
I'm spreading my wings for you.
Tim, peacocks can't fly.
Ice-cream truck's here! - Ice cream! - All right! Hey, guys.
Don't let go of that rope! Aaarghhh! - Ah, I love that play so much.
- I wanna be Peter Pan when I grow up.
When you told the audience to save Tinker Bell, I clapped so hard.
Hey, Randy, what did I tell you? Did you see all those people looking up at you? I saw Jennifer looking at me.
She wanted to know where you bought your tights.
All right, all right.
You guys fly up to bed.
- And don't forget to brush your teeth.
- Good night, you guys.
- Good night.
- Good night.
Good night.
- Jill - Yeah? - I feel better.
- Well, that's good, honey.
No, no, no.
I mean I feel a lot better.
- Yeah.
- Oh.
OK, well, you lock up down here and I'll go upstairs and wait for Mr.
Peacock.
I've got the bad arm and bad leg, why don't I just lock up? You can just walk upstairs.
Peacock.
Oh.
He left his hat down here.
Oh! Jill! Jill!