Home Improvement s02e05 Episode Script

Heavy Meddle

- Good night.
- Good night.
Tim, maybe we can get a head start on that shed over the weekend.
Ooh, no can do, Al.
This weekend, after two years, I'm finally putting the soul in the beast.
I'm dumping that big 350 Chevy engine in my hot rod.
- Really? - Yeah.
Well, that would be hard to do by yourself.
That's why I got a couple of guys coming over.
A little work party, a celebration of man and machine.
Oh, a lot of guys coming over? - Just some friends.
- Oh.
Al, I would have asked you, but I thought you'd be with Greta at that big linoleum exhibit.
Well, uh, I told Greta that I didn't want to be tied down.
And, you know, we just we both thought that it was best to explore other options.
- She dumped you, huh? - Yeah.
Well, have a good weekend, Tim.
Hey, Al.
You know, we could probably use another hand - dropping that engine in, if you're free.
- Completely free! I love parties! Is there a theme? A theme? Yeah, we're doing the Wild West.
- I could bring jerky.
- They say you are what you eat, Al.
Well, what do you think? Can we put the kids in the middle? So, what about an old movie? We got A Man and a Woman here at the Berkeley.
No, nothing romantic.
The way I'm feeling about men, I want to see something with chain saw in the title.
Aw, Karen, man trouble? I don't understand what happened.
You told me that you and Greg were doing so well.
Well, I thought we were.
But then he said something about maybe we should think about seeing other people.
- And we all know what that means.
- Yeah.
It means he already is.
Yeah, well, you know what? I'm fed up and I'm through with men.
On behalf of all men, I'd like to say thank you.
- Jerk! - Doo-doo heads! - Punks! - Randy, where are your shoes? - They're up in a tree.
- Shut up.
Wait, wait, wait Randy I just bought those shoes.
Why are they up in a tree? Paul and Vinnie McGurn.
They jumped him.
Oh, not again? Come on.
This has gotta stop.
You guys gotta make friends with those boys.
- Have them over for lunch.
- Yeah, right.
Dad said to pick the biggest one and pound him into the ground.
Only if the lunch thing didn't work out.
- You never said that! - No pounding! - Dad - No.
I'd like to sit and chat with you women, but I've got to go pray to Chevy, the combustion god.
When Dave shows up, tell him I'm out in the garage.
- OK.
Dave Gibbons? Is he coming over? - Yeah! - Karen, have you ever met him? - No, no, no, no, no, no.
- I need him in the garage, please? - I just want to introduce them.
What happened to this romantic chain saw movie you're going to? No.
Jill, please.
The last thing I want is to get fixed up with another guy.
- Thank you.
- Is he cute? He is adorable.
And he's very sensitive.
Dave is not sensitive.
He's just like me.
He is nothing like you.
He's very secure.
Huh? - He is a sweetheart.
- Hold it.
Hold it.
This is what's happening today.
I've waited a long time to put the engine in the hot rod.
- It's my day and you're not gonna interfere.
- I'm not gonna interfere.
We're just gonna stay long enough for them to meet, exchange a few words, pick a pattern.
Ahh, love this! - Hi! - Hey, Jill.
Wait till you see what I got in there.
- The most beautiful car you've ever seen - Yeah? - Hello.
- Hi.
Hi, I'm Karen.
I've heard so much about you.
Relax, Karen.
This is Bob.
- Bob, Karen.
Karen, Bob.
- Hey, Karen.
- Forget Dave.
What's wrong with Bob? - His lovely wife, Leslie.
- Oh.
- Oh, great! - Leslie, meet my friend, Karen.
- Hi.
- You look so beautiful.
- Oh, thank you.
- I thought we weren't bringing the wives? - I know, but Leslie keeps thinking she's going into labor.
What was I supposed to do? Let her start.
It takes hours.
Bob, did we leave that other cheese log in the car? No, honey.
You ate it.
This has gotta be Dave.
- Oh, I married an idiot.
- Wanda! That man cannot drive.
Wanda, you slam the car door on my head again, you are riding in the trunk.
- Hello, Jill.
- You know, Hank most people think when they see a left turn signal on, that you're gonna turn left.
the lane opened to my right.
I had to make a quick decision.
The sidewalk was not the right decision.
- Wanda, it's so nice to see you.
- She's not supposed to be here.
You tell her.
Problem, Tim? Balanced and blueprinted in the prettiest - Oh, nice.
- Oooh.
Howdy, partners.
Hi, Al.
Nice hat.
What's that, 500 gallon? You know everybody.
Bob, Hank, guys, say howdy to Al.
- Howdy, Al.
- Howdy.
- Hi, Al.
- Howdy.
Tim, didn't I read that a Chevy engine in a Ford was a felony in Michigan.
You know, Tim told me it was a western theme.
Let's go over this one more time.
I picked the Chevy because it's got more midrange torque.
OK, I got availability of parts.
I think it's a better motor - Hey, hey, it's your rod.
- Thank you.
Tim told me it was a western theme.
- Vinnie McGurn's dead! - Now what? - He ruined my helmet.
- So what? A little whipped cream.
No, shaving.
- Where you going with the hose? - I thought maybe I'd water the lawn.
What did I tell you about water balloons? Fill them up real full so they bust on contact? That's right.
I hear you're quite a football player.
- Yeah.
- Show me your moves.
- All right.
- See if you can get by me.
Ready? Down! Point! 22! Hut! Hut! Somebody want to give me a hand here? - You got a good kid, Taylor.
- Thank you, Bob.
You're about to have a son any day now, aren't you? Yeah, two weeks.
I don't know if I'm gonna make it.
Leslie's up to a six pack of cheese logs a day.
Wanda ate a cheese log cabin.
You know, if she's not eating, she's crying.
But I mean, hey, you know, once she has the kid, the mood swings are gonna stop.
Right? Yeah, right.
- What's at the Cinemark 18? - 18 movies with women thinner than me.
This has gotta be Dave.
- Well, hi, Dave.
- Hi, Jill.
How are you? - Come on in.
- Thanks.
I have some friends that I want you to meet.
That's Leslie.
This is Wanda.
And here, this is Karen Kelly.
Dave Gibbons.
Nice to meet you.
You know, I was just thinking how weird it is that you two have never met.
Because you have so much in common.
- Really? - Yeah.
Like what? Well, you coach Mark's soccer team.
And one time after a game, Mark threw up in Karen's car.
How about that? - Small world.
- See ya.
Hey, Dave, you big dipstick, about time, buddy.
Well, somebody stopped by the shop who's actually paying me to work on their engine, Tim.
That hurt me deeply, Dave.
Grab a beer and let's get greasy.
Uh, Dave, Dave, we're trying to pick a movie.
- Jill, Jill, please - Can you recommend one? Yeah, I just rented, It Happened One Night Well, you see what I'm talking about? That movie is one of her favorite movies.
- What are the odds? - Go figure.
- Karen, do you know how to drive a car? - Yes, Tim.
Oh, I can't believe it.
So does Dave! It's kismet! Look! Some Like It Hot is on TV in 15 minutes.
We could just stay here and make popcorn.
No, no, no, no.
We're all going to a movie.
- Come on, let's go, let's go, let's go - Some Like It Hot - I could definitely get into seeing that.
- Oh, I'm in.
On my best day, I never looked as good in a dress as Tony Curtis.
That settles it.
We're definitely staying.
Staying is a bad idea.
Leaving would be a good idea.
No, no, no, no.
This is great.
This is great.
We'll barbecue.
- Oh, honey, we're gonna barbecue! - Barbecue's a bad idea.
The guys are not interested in a barbecue.
Nobody wants to barbecue.
I'll have a hot dog.
I'll have a steak.
I can make shish kebab.
No, I like Joe Brown.
I like his mouth.
He's got a great mouth.
Hey, Al.
How's it going in there? Oh, well, right now, Tim and Hank are explaining to Bob - just what it feels like to be pregnant.
- Oh, yeah, right.
The day one of those he-men goes to the john and shoots a nine-pound ham out his butt, then he can talk.
Leslie, are you all right? I don't know if it's the onions or the hormones.
They say postpartum depression is even worse.
Well, you know, postpartum can be tough.
After you've had that little baby inside of you for nine months it can be hard to let go.
Yes, it can.
Well, not that I know what postpartum depression is.
But I do know what it feels like to have someone be a part of you, and suddenly be separated from them.
I know exactly what you mean, Al.
I just got out of one of those relationships.
- Really? - Yeah.
Love hurts.
And in Hank's case, it sweats, too.
Go down, down, down, down All right, we're in.
Now the fun begins.
Hank, Dave, get the trim to the mounts up front.
And I will align the tranny back here with Bob.
- Tim.
- Hi, honey.
Where's Al? We need him out here.
We're using him as our love toy.
Don't let Wanda hurt him.
Come on, guys.
The food is ready.
- All right! - Oh, great We just got started.
Come on, Dave.
Come back here.
- We just got started.
Well, come on - Tim, I need that steak! Four words, four words - Fourth word.
- OK, fourth word.
Hi, you gonna join us? Things are going so well.
Oh, by the way, Hank wants another hamburger.
And Dave picked Karen to be his partner.
Hey, why don't you and I play a little game? - What? - Let's play a little game, just you and I.
- Let's play.
- OK.
OK, all right.
Three words.
First word.
Jill, OK.
Three words.
Third word, third word.
Jill blank meat.
Second word.
Jill dead meat.
So I guess you're kind of annoyed that nobody's working on your engine.
Well, how would you feel about it? If you planned a wedding shower for three months the night of the wedding shower, I bring these guys over to watch football? That happened, Tim.
And you didn't like it, did you? - Hey, Leslie wants her burger right now.
- Like them rare? - That's raw.
- She'll eat it.
Look, I know that you're not happy that things didn't go the way you planned.
But more importantly, we've got two friends that we're trying to get together in there.
Not we, you.
Why do you always have to fix people up? - Everybody does that.
- Everybody doesn't do that.
Women do that.
Guys don't sit around and go, "Boy, Frank, we gotta find somebody for him.
"I mean, all he does is go to that great job, watch football, drink beer, and race his car on weekends.
His life is just so empty.
" - Why haven't I met Frank? - There is no Frank! - Well, then why did you bring him up? - Just to show how obsessed you get - I am not obsessed! - Then why do you put us through this? Well, because maybe I want everybody to be as happy as we are! Uh, Timmy, hate to bother you.
But do you have any Kaopectate? - In a minute.
- I don't have a minute.
That smells delicious, good neighbor.
- Hi, Wilson.
- Oh, good neighborette.
- How are you this fine evening, Jill? - Fine and dandy.
- Mmm that smells good.
- You want a hamburger? Well, I don't mind if I do.
Wilson, aren't human beings more important than machines? Well, without a doubt.
Although, I am quite fond of my waffle maker.
Well, thank you.
I wish you would tell that to that knucklehead I'm married to.
Oh, he knows how I feel.
He's had my waffles.
No, I mean about the human being thing.
Well, I think Tim understands that.
Well, you would never know from the way that he is acting today.
- Jill, I like my burger well done.
- Oh.
I mean, here I am trying to get these two people together and all he can think about is this hunk of metal in the garage.
Well, that's because to him it's more than just a hunk of metal.
To Tim, it's a 1934 Roadster Street Rod, Mystic Midnight Blue, queen bee headlights, suicide doors with hidden hinges, rolled rear pan Oh, yes I know it's important to him.
So he lost a day.
Big deal.
You know, he's taking this so personally.
You know, Jill the Navajo Indians believe that when a craftsman makes a basket or a sand painting, his spirit actually enters the object and he becomes a part of it.
So you're saying that the two become one? That's about it.
So by dismissing the object, I've been dismissing the man.
- Thank you, Wilson.
- Jill? Jill? The burger? Bye, I'll walk you out.
- Great party, Tim.
- Thanks, Al.
You know, I think the western shirt paid off.
- What do you mean? - Karen.
I think she took a shine to me.
Our Karen here? Do you think it would be all right if I asked her out for coffee? - You know, Karen's quite a handful.
- Well, my mother is a handful.
I like that in a woman.
Al, maybe you're moving kind of quick here after the problem with Greta.
Oh no, Tim.
One door may have closed for me, but another door is just opening.
- Hi, Karen.
- Hi, Al.
- Karen, I was wondering if you - You ready to go, Karen? Yeah, sure.
What were you gonna say, Al? I was just wondering if you or anyone, would care for another cup of coffee.
Oh, well, Dave and I were just gonna go out for coffee.
Oh, well, then you wouldn't want one.
Good night.
And another door slammed shut.
It was a joke.
It was a joke, Al.
It was a joke.
Isn't this great? What did I tell you? Everybody could feel the chemistry between Karen and Dave.
I mean, I knew it.
I knew that they would be perfect for each other.
But I could be wrong.
I mean, what do I know about chemistry? I didn't even have a chemistry set when I was a kid.
You know, and I I'm gonna do the dishes now.
Well, I'd I'd better get going here.
Al, wait a minute.
I gotta wire that hot rod tomorrow.
Maybe you want to help me with that.
Well, I thought you only wanted Dave to look at that.
I think you and I could do it.
- Really? - Yeah.
Well, then we could take a look at the drive train.
- Let's not get carried away.
- OK.
All right.
Well, you better get going before that hat gives birth.
All right.
See you tomorrow afternoon.
Happy trails, buckaroo.
Tim, that was really nice what you said to Al.
- I'm sure he appreciates it.
- Yeah, yeah.
I'm sorry you didn't get as much done today as you would have liked.
But at least you got the engine in.
- Can you start it? - No, Jill.
We could play charades and pretend I could start it.
You know, now that this engine's in, it's so beautiful.
- It's really starting to look like a car.
- A street rod.
A street rod.
So, this is the front.
Yes, Jill.
This is the front.
And hey, look here The back.
No, really.
I'm, I'm beginning to envision this, you know.
The Mystic Midnight blue, queen bee headlights, windshield suicide doors, rolling rear end Rolled rear pan.
Rolled rear pan.
And this, of course, which is the soul of the beast I've gotta tell you, Tim.
This street rod is real tweaky.
It's tweaked out.
It's cherry.
You know, I'm really getting into this engine stuff.
I feel an uncontrollable urge to torque something.
- Hey, you really want to see something? - Yeah.
- Get on my crawler.
- All right.
Lay down.
Watch your head.
You can't really appreciate an engine until you've seen it from all sides.
Oh, this is so cool.
Welcome to the wonderful world of the small block 350.
Tim? I thought you were gonna show me the engine.
I call this my engine.
- You guys get those McGurn boys? - No, we didn't get them.
- Why? - Some bullies Their mom made them go inside and clean their rooms.
- Yeah - What a waste.
Look at this, Dad, we had the perfect balloon.
Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho! Boy, that baby's got some splatter power there.
Brad! Randy, Mark! - Take this! - Will you stop it with the water balloons! I wish that you would not encourage them.
Just 'cause you find balloons doesn't mean they're making water balloons out of them, hon.
Maybe they're making, uh balloon animals.
- Balloon animals? - Yeah, sure.
So you think I'm being too strict with them again? - Yeah.
- Well OK.
- Thank you.
- You bet, honey.
Thank you for telling me.
Whoo! I think you and I could do it.
- Really? - Yeah.
Well, then we could take a look at the drive train.
Let's not get crazy.
I think we can do it.
- Really? - Yeah.
Well, then we could take a look at the drive train.

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