Home Improvement s02e06 Episode Script

The Haunting Of Taylor House

All right, now that we have an even layer of mortar, it's time to float our brick.
There we go.
One more course, and our brick wall will be finished.
Oh, golly, Al.
I'm out of brick.
Are you telling me, Tim, that you're a few bricks shy of a load? No, I'm telling you you're one wisecrack short of unemployment.
Now please go back and get the rest of the brick.
While Al's back there, we'll finish up the Shh, shh, shh.
Tim, there doesn't seem to be any Tim? Tim? Tim's not here anymore.
Gotcha pretty good, didn't I? Yes, Tim.
I'm quaking.
That's a good mask.
Who are you supposed to be? I'm Al.
It's an Al! It's Halloween and we all can't be as spooky as Al here.
But we can cut ourselves some frightening jack-o'- lanterns.
That's right, Tim.
As you can see, I've ready carved my jack-o'- lantern.
Although I've noticed you have not carved your jack-o'- lantern.
How perceptive of you, Al.
Well, I could spend long, boring hours whittling away with an eensy-weensy carving knife like you.
Or I could put some excitement into the pumpkin-carving process and sculpt my pumpkin using what? More power! Darn right, more power.
I've cored and scored this bad boy.
All I need now is a small explosion to pop the pieces out of the pumpkin.
I've filled the pumpkin with natural gas, installed a small sparking device that's activated by this simple remote control.
Don't try this at home, children.
I believe that charge might be a little too Too powerful for you, Al? Too manly? A little too macho? - No, all I'm - If that's the case, Al, why don't you just cower and hide behind the desk here? Because this bad boy is about ready to go.
See there, Al.
Nothing to worry about, buddy.
What do you think? Could we put the kids in the middle? Tim! How are you doing down there? Almost done.
Igor, let go of my leg! What are you guys doing? I'm making the food for Brad's Halloween party.
Perhaps you would like to try some dirt and worms.
- Mom, please tell me I'm adopted.
- Mmm! - Delicious.
- Oh, gross.
Well, I don't think we'll have to worry about the insurance salesman for awhile.
How's the haunted house? Haunted house? Come on, I've designed the Catacombs of Terror.
- Can we take a look? - It's pretty scary and dangerous there.
Are either of you pregnant or wearing a pacemaker? - No.
- No.
What have you been doing down there all day long? What took so long? Come on, honey.
Horror takes time.
Besides, when Brad's guests get here tonight, they're gonna be down there with their hair bleached white, eyes bugging out with that look of horror.
That's the way you looked on our wedding day.
I shouldn't have lifted the veil.
Who told you to wear it? Come sit down.
I want you to finish this up for me so I can go pick up my costume.
This party starts in an hour.
I ran around like crazy getting all this stuff done.
- I didn't have time to get it.
- All right.
What do I do? OK, I want you to put these grapes into this tapioca.
What's that supposed to be? Eyeballs and pus.
Mm! Home cooking, huh? Wait, wait, wait, wait.
If I put green food coloring in here, it would look infected.
Oh, that's good.
That's real good.
Do that.
Mom, everything fits except for the pants.
Who are you? No, what are you? Raggedy Andy.
That's right It's Halloween, I'm sorry.
Look out, Frankenstein.
Look out, Werewolf, it's Raggedy! No, just when you thought it was safe to go back to the toy box - It's Andy! - Come on.
Hey, boo! Hey! Boo-hoo.
Boo, dude, boo.
He and Jennifer are dressing alike.
She's gonna go as Raggedy Ann.
Hold still because I'm gonna be pinning you here.
- I feel like a sissy.
- You are not a sissy.
The two of you are gonna look so cute together.
I can't believe I'm doing this.
Brad, a lot of times men do things they don't want to do so the women they're going out with will do things they don't want to do.
- Like what? - Yeah, like what, Tim? Get married, de-grease an engine, shave your back hair.
Shut the door, please! Dad, I opened the tool locker and saw Shh, shh, shh! Quiet.
Hey, why are you wearing a mop on your head? Shut up, geek.
- I think your costume looks great.
- Oh, if you like it, I'm dead.
OK, boys.
Let's go.
You go get your costumes on now.
Put that down! Put it down! Go, now, now, now! Raggedy Andy.
Brad's got it bad for that girl, Jennifer.
Aw, if I asked you to wear that costume, you'd do it for me, wouldn't you? I don't think so, Jill.
Besides, Brad likes Jennifer a lot more than I like you.
You wouldn't catch me in any fairy tale outfit because I've got the scariest costume in the Motor City.
Wrong-o, cherry buns.
The rental-house manager has guaranteed me that I have the scariest-looking costume that they have ever had.
They've got a costume that looks like you at 7 am? Wilson, the Catacomb of Terror is just about complete, but I need your chains.
Right inside the garage, good neighbor.
This is gonna be great.
It's gonna be so scary down there, those kids are gonna love this.
I'm sure they will, Tim.
I believe it was Winston Churchill who said, "There's nothing so exhilarating as being shot at and missed.
" Safe bet it wasn't Lincoln who said that.
Well, everybody loves a good scare, Tim.
- Yeah, why is that? - Well, Tim.
It's just a physical reaction.
When a person becomes frightened, his body releases large amounts of epinephrine.
- I love that song, too.
- Hm? Tall and tan and young and lovely, the girl from epinephrine goes walking No, no, no, no, Tim.
You're talking Ipanema.
I'm talking epinephrine.
Oh, yeah, sure you are.
Well, let's just say adrenaline.
It speeds up the conversion of glycogen into glucose.
And glucose supplies energy to the muscles, thus making them more efficient for a fight or flight.
I don't care what it does.
When Brad's friends see this Catacomb of Terror, they'll be epinephrine in their pants.
After 8:00, why don't you slide around back and let yourself in the basement? Oh, I'll be there, Tim.
I also need that special meat cleaver.
You know what I'm talking about? Mm-hm.
Coming right up, neighbor.
Mark, hurry up! Come on! Johnny's Mom's gonna be here.
- Hey, Randy? - What? Have you seen that meat cleaver around anywhere? No, Dad.
Come on.
I've got a splitting headache.
Dad, don't you ever get tired of that fake meat cleaver gag? I got a little surprise for you, fella.
It's a real meat cleaver.
It's a fake head.
- Where's Mom? - She's upstairs getting dressed.
- Is it a real scary costume? - I don't know.
I haven't seen it.
I'm ready.
- Who are you supposed to be? - I'm Daddy.
Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor.
Ho-ho-ho-ho-ho! - Ho-ho-ho-ho-ho.
- Right.
You should have gone as Al.
We could have gotten more stuff.
Oh, that's Johnny's mom.
We gotta go.
Let's take a look in there real quick, though.
What have you got in here, No Beard? OK.
We've got eggs, soap, shaving cream.
You're gonna hatch one of these? Get a chicken, shave it, and give it a bath? Johnny's mom asked us to pick up a few things.
She said she didn't have time to go the store.
Nice try.
You guys get going.
Have some fun.
Remember, only go to houses we know.
Don't eat anything until we have a chance to check it out.
Watch both ways when you cross the street.
Have some fun.
Honey, would you hurry on down here? The kids are almost here and I can't wait to see your scary costume.
I hope you're watching those monkey skulls.
- They shouldn't get too soft.
- Shoot! Oh, no.
I hope you didn't ruin them.
No, they're all right.
Monkey's are fine, but that organ grinder's a little crispy in there.
Aah! Don't even start! That's the scariest thing I've ever seen in my life.
I had a little problem with the reservation.
Hide the dip! They lost my reservation.
This is all they had left.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
Hey, Brad! Hustle up! Your friends are here! - I'll be right down! - Trick or treat! Get in! Come on! You look so great! These are great costumes.
You got a devil, and a ballerina, and a bunny.
I don't like the way you're looking at Miss Carrot.
Get over there.
Get out.
Hi, Mrs.
Curtis! Ho-ho-ho, Tim, Curtis is here.
Taylor, that's a great costume.
- Thank you.
- You can't even see how fat you are.
- What are you supposed to be, Curtis? - I'm an atom.
Then why don't you split.
Very funny, Mrs.
Tell you what.
Why don't you help me put the hair on the monkey skulls? I'll get it! Hello, Bradley.
I thought you were coming as Raggedy Ann.
I changed my mind.
Why? You made it very clear that you didn't want to be at this party with me tonight.
- When? - You know when.
Hey, Taylor.
What's going on here? Nothing.
Jennifer and I are together.
She's supposed to be with me.
So get over it.
Besides you're having a bad hair day, dude.
- Shut up, Danny.
Hey, hey, hey! Cut it out! Come on! We don't do this around here.
All right? - He started it.
- Did you start this? Leave me alone.
Come on! Brad, come back here! Mrs.
Taylor, why did Brad leave? Well, I don't know.
I suppose he's just embarrassed about his costume.
Oh, when are you gonna leave? OK, girls, here you go.
Dirt filled with worms.
Ha-hah! Come on, buddy.
You gotta eat something.
Ew! Hi, my name is Curtis.
You don't have a very good costume.
- Take a hike.
- Guess what I am.
An idiot? - He's Brad doing? - Oh, he's OK.
He just wants to have a few minutes by himself.
You know, this zipper is, like, sticking.
I think I had too much punch.
Can you fix this for me? All right, too much punch.
How does this feel? Ah! Don't do that! Come on! What are you looking for? - Vegetable peeler.
- Oh, come on, Tim! This is getting, you know, like, kinda serious.
- It is serious, huh? - Yes.
- Let me get the bolt cutter.
- No, no, no, no! I put a huge deposit on this thing.
- Just kidding.
A little spray lubricant.
- You have to do this now.
- Sit still for a minute.
- Now.
- Mr.
Taylor? - Yeah, what is it, Curtis? Where's the bathroom? Well, for atoms like you, it's down the hall, near the cyclotron.
- You got it? - You're free.
Ahhhh! Out of my way, atom boy! - How's it going, sport? - OK.
Don't you wanna come inside and join the rest of us? Yeah, I think I'll go in and beat up Danny.
Aren't you mad at the wrong person? I can't beat up Jennifer.
Oh, I don't know.
I think you could take her.
Dad! What happened with you two? What did you do? - Nothing.
- Come on.
What was the last thing that happened before she got mad at you? I don't know.
Help me.
Was it tonight? Yesterday? After school? Yesterday after school, we played kickball.
All right.
Got a clue now.
You didn't kick her in the face with the ball, did you? - No.
- Good.
'Cause women really hate that.
- What did you do? - I didn't do anything.
Besides, why does it have to be my fault? Son, it's always our fault.
Why didn't she just tell me? She said I should know.
She didn't tell you because women aren't as smart as they think they are.
They don't realize how little we actually know.
You gotta go in there and find out what's going on.
- Try to see her side of it.
- I don't care about her side.
Really? Why are you wearing a red wig and a size-18 shoe? - OK, I care.
- All right.
Go in and talk to her.
And remember, the two most important things you can tell a woman are, "I understand.
" - I understand? - Right.
Say those two words.
They'll forgive you for just about anything.
- Got it.
- Oh, one more thing.
Lose the wig and shoes.
- How's Brad? - He's OK.
We had a little man-to-man talk.
I shared some of my expertise on women.
After that, you talked about neurosurgery? No.
We talked about how much happier you would have been if you'd married a big cabbage.
- Hi.
- Hello.
I thought you were coming as Raggedy Ann.
- I was going to.
- I understand.
Understand what? Um I, uh I understand you're mad at me.
Who wouldn't be? At kickball you picked Elaine instead of me.
She's good.
I wanted to win.
But you embarrassed me.
You should have seen Elaine.
She was gloating.
Why didn't you just say something on the playground? Bradley, how could you not know? You can be so dense.
Hey, I may be dense, but my team won.
Don't start talking like that, Brad! But I understand winning doesn't matter.
I should have picked you.
I'm sorry I didn't come as Raggedy Ann.
Not as sorry as I am.
OK, everybody.
Come on down.
Uh-oh, the lights don't work.
This is not good.
Be very careful.
Stay together.
Watch out for hideous monsters.
There are no hideous monsters down here.
There's at least one, Curtis.
This isn't scary.
It's totally lame.
Oh, come on, Jennifer.
That's just Brad's dumb little brother.
It is not me.
Wait, wait! Watch out! Watch out! That's chains! What could it be? It's Nanastein! Mother-in-law from beyond the grave.
I seem to have hocked up a little maggot.
Ew! Now I want to kiss a little kid.
Come here! This is pathetic.
You're in a dress.
You're son's a doll.
And you're wife's a radish.
Hey, I'm a carrot.
Learn your vegetables.
You might not like it, but don't wreck this for everybody else, OK? If you built this, it's all gonna fall apart anyway.
I've seen your show.
It should be called Fool Time Making fun of Nanastein's favorite show is not a good idea, son.
Why don't you check out Nana's little toolbox, smarty.
A toolbox, I'm scared.
What's gonna happen? Is a wrench gonna pop out and say "boo"? I don't know.
A bucket, I'm scared.
Where's my body?! My body?! Well, Tim, your haunted house was a huge success.
I've gotta hand it to you.
With what? Oh, thank you, Nanastein.
You are looking so youthful this evening.
Well, it's probably that new moisturizer, that Formaldehyde of Olay.
See you later, Al.
Nice working with you.
- Goodnight, Wilson.
- I'll get that cleaver and give it back - Tim.
- What is it, Al? Well, what about me? - What about you? - Well, there's spiders down here.
Al, those spiders are, like, joke spiders.
Jill bought those at a magician's shop.
They're rubber spiders.
They're a lot of fun.
OK? - Tim.
- I'll be right down to get you.
Tim, I don't think she bought this at a joke store.
Tim! Tim! 3, 2 Well, Tim, I have to Hmm.
3, 2 Well We're not highly paid, but we're skilled.
We're not even that skilled.
And I'm not wearing any underwear.
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