Home Improvement s02e15 Episode Script

Boys, come on.
What are you doing? This is our one morning to sleep in.
Whoa.
You guys really look nasty in the morning.
Did you look this bad when you met? Your mom did.
Tim, please.
It smells like a sea bass died.
What are you guys doing banging around down here? We made you a special breakfast.
Sit down.
- What did you do? - Nothing.
- Come on.
What did you guys break? - Nothing.
- Whose cat did you shave? - No one's.
Mom, this is yours.
Dad, this one's yours.
It is, huh? Does this have anything to do with me putting Tabasco sauce in your ice cream? Of course not, Father.
I enjoyed that prank.
Yeah, so did I.
It was cool.
Oh, boy.
Oh, Mrs.
Boucher's dog.
Get outta the yard! Come on, get outta there, you stupid dog! Ha ha! - Go on now! - There isn't any dog out there.
Oh.
Oh, he slipped right through the bushes there.
Well, let's dig in.
Mom.
Allow me.
Go on, honey.
- They're delicious.
- They are? - They're really good.
- Cool.
- You should try it.
- Yeah, Dad.
Dig in.
Well, what do you think? Could we put the kids in the middle? - Hi, Mom.
- Hey, Mom.
Hi, guys.
How was school? Great.
They announced that summer vacation begins in February.
Yeah.
And no one has to do homework ever again.
That's nice.
What else? - Randy's gonna be in a talent show.
- Shut up! You're gonna be in a talent show? That is so cool.
What are you gonna do? You gonna sing? Tap-dance? Do you need my help? No, I'm gonna be doing a ventriloquist act.
I love ventriloquists.
When I was growing up, I used to watch 'em all the time on Ed Sullivan.
Who? Never mind.
You're gonna look so cute holding a dummy.
He finally gets to work with somebody his own size.
Yeah, and somebody with your IQ.
Randy, you don't know anything about being a ventriloquist.
I'll read about it.
You see, Brad, the library has these new things.
They're called books.
They're like comics, but they don't have pictures.
Come on, guys.
Cut it out.
Randy, I'm really proud of you.
You're trying a new thing.
This is great.
Honey, I'm home.
- You are so weird.
- Thanks.
Hey, guys.
What's up? Randy's doing a ventriloquist act at school.
Great.
Where are you gonna get the dummy? Ah da da da buh buh buh.
Can I carve you one? I can make a lifelike little friend out of 100% American pine.
- You could? - You've seen what I can do with my hands.
Yeah, but I don't want you to make the dummy explode.
- Do you want me to carve it for you or not? - Yeah.
- Cool.
Let's do it, then.
- Thanks, Dad.
- What's all this? - A compatibility test.
- A compatibility test? - Yes.
It's so women can tell if they're in a relationship with the right man.
It's for the special Valentine's issue of next month's magazine.
"How does your mate rate?" How do you rate a guy who's already an ace? I think you mispronounced that.
Don't worry, honey.
You did great on the test.
- I didn't take this test yet.
- I know.
Men don't take the test.
Women take the test for the men.
So you think up the test and then you answer your own questions? Very fair.
Thank you.
- Who thought of this? - Me and about five other people.
Were there any men involved in this group? No.
But Arlene and Vickie have very strong masculine sides.
A little quiz for women to show how stupid their husbands are.
No.
It's fun.
You get points.
- You know, for all the different answers.
- OK.
You could rate anywhere from "knight in shining armor" to "Neanderthal.
" You took it for me.
How'd I do? - 98.
- Yeah! Out of 300.
OK.
"If your husband was something you'd find in the kitchen, what would he be?" - Oh, that's deep.
Oh, yeah, that's deep.
- I think you'll find this very insightful, Tim.
"A.
An oven.
Warm and self-cleaning.
" Not me.
"B.
Garbage disposal.
Grating and eats anything.
" "C.
A refrigerator.
Very cold and the light's never on.
" These are stupid.
Well, come on.
You haven't read the one that I picked for you.
Read D.
"D.
A teakettle.
Hot and steamy, done in two minutes.
" Like I'm a teakettle.
Well, honey, you do whistle when you're done.
One layer at a time, there.
Al has been showing us some real craftsmanship on this wood lathe today.
Al, do you suppose if you couldn't pay for this all at once you'd have to put it on lathe-away? I don't think so, Tim.
Anyway, a lathe is a very amazing machine.
You can turn out all sorts of interesting products from table legs to baseball bats, just like this beautiful American-ash bat we made today.
Boy, I love baseball.
As a kid, I used to love playing it.
Klaus, let's have some ambient baseball noise.
Right over the wall, Al.
A tape-measure job.
Here, take a swing, buddy.
Come on.
Come on.
Come on, buddy.
Come on, buddy.
Keep your eye on the ball, buddy.
Strike, Al.
Those high hard ones are tough.
Take another shot.
Come on.
Come on.
Two strikes on you.
Don't worry about it, buddy.
You're it.
Come on, Al.
All right, Al, you are out of here! Maybe I could salvage this.
Ground rule double, buddy.
Enough foolishness, though.
But with a lathe, you can build your own bat.
Yes, and tailor it to your own individual grip.
That way, you know you and the bat are compatible.
Unlike a woman.
Who has to take a quiz out of a magazine to figure out who she's compatible with.
"If my husband was a pie, what kind of pie would he be?" I'm not a pie! Men aren't pies.
Are you a pie, Al? Well, I'm a Pi-sces.
Thank you, Al.
Men know what I'm talking about.
I'm right.
We don't have to we don't have to go through a quiz to figure out who we like.
We see a woman, we go, "Do I wanna take a bath with her, or introduce her to my sister?" That's Tim Taylor, c/o Tool Time.
PO Box 327 Give it a rest, Al.
Al, give it a rest.
- Can we get back to our project? - Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'm sorry.
I don't think we're gonna have time, actually, to turn this leg for 'em.
Why don't you just show 'em the leg you turned earlier today? Here's a beautiful example that Al turned today out of maple.
I love it.
Al's not the only one that can turn a leg, though.
Earlier, I made this leg out of a perfect piece of ash.
She sells seashells down by the seashore.
- Saw your lips move.
- OK, shut up.
They moved again.
- How's it going? - He stinks.
Mark, we're a family.
We support each other.
Your brother doesn't stink.
- Yes, I do.
- Told you.
You can see my lips move.
Honey, don't be so hard on yourself.
Edgar Bergen didn't learn this in a day.
Who? Just keep practicing.
Tim? Where have you been? You're late.
Hi, honey.
I was doing some important research.
- Oh, really.
- Yeah.
I don't think it's fair that women make up all these quizzes about men, so I made up this little quiz about women.
Like my "How does you mate rate" test? Yeah.
I'm gonna call it, "Is your life more rife with strife because of your wife?" Which scientific minds came up with this one? Me and a couple of guys at work.
You know, Howie, Leroy, Moose Moose? Isn't he that crane operator who rides a motorcycle and has, like, a tattoo on his shoulder? Yes.
But he has some very strong feminine sides.
We came up with a rating system.
It goes from "cave woman" to "Bambi the love goddess.
" "Bambi the love goddess?" I take it there aren't any math questions on this quiz.
You got that right.
All right.
"Does your wife nag you more or less than six times during a football game?" More.
- I never nag you during football games.
- Hey, hey, hey, hey.
I'm taking this for you.
OK? "How many times has your wife nagged you during this quiz?" - Oh, this is so stupid.
- That would be two times right there.
Now, the scientific part.
"If your wife were a piece of hockey equipment, what would she be?" Let me see that! "If your wife were a piece of hockey equipment, would she be?" a goalie mask - wiry and closed off.
" a stick - long, rigid and likes to hit things.
elbow pads - soft, flexible and a good housekeeper"? What does housekeeping have to do with elbow pads? Takes care of the joint.
- This is great.
- You're so pathetic.
- Read the next one.
a jockstrap - gets in the way a lot, but basically supportive.
" And you fell right in between elbow pads and a jockstrap.
Well, thank you so much.
I'm so honored.
I'm sorry, punkster, but that's the best you did, right there.
According to my little quiz, you and I are just not compatible.
Well, I don't need a test to tell me that.
How'd I do? - 88.
- Out of what? Seven million.
So I guess I'm not Bambi the love goddess, huh? Actually, you'll need ten more points to catch up to Tina the inflatable party doll.
OK.
It says, "In order to pronounce the letter V without moving your lips, make a gentle cough, followed by a soft G.
" Uh, try to say, "Hi, Aunt Vivian.
" Hi, Aunt G-i ian.
Very good.
See, Mom, I can't do this.
Besides, I feel like an idiot talking to a hanger.
You shouldn't think of it as a hanger.
You should think of it as a real living person.
- We should give it a name.
- How about Hanger? - Mom, a hanger can't have a name.
- Yes, it can.
Yes, it can.
Here, let me try this.
OK, we're gonna call this guy Spanky.
How are you doing, Spanky? Good.
What's your favorite nursery rhyme? Mary had a little lamb That was great, Mom.
"Harry had a little ham.
" OK, wise guy.
You go up and work on this, or you're not gonna get any dinner.
Why? What are we having? Heat loaf? Tim, Tim.
On your way to work, will you pick up this dry cleaning? Yep.
Thank you.
Oh, uh by the way, the other day when I was talking about being incompatible, - you know I was just joking around.
- Good.
You were kidding too, weren't you? No.
But you're kidding now.
No.
If we're so incompatible, how is it we got along for 14 years? Well, I'm an exceptional woman and I make all the compromises.
Back the marriage carriage up here a little bit.
You make all the compromises? - Yeah.
We always do what you wanna do.
- No, we don't.
Yeah.
I went to that truck-pushing thing with you.
- Truck pulling.
Pull.
- Whatever.
- I go to the opera with you.
- Once.
I've been to three Rambo movies.
When was the last time you took me to a foreign film? Didn't we just see Le RoboCop? I let you hang that ugly picture up there.
Ugly? That's the Monterey Grand Prix '64.
It's one of a kind.
- That's worth some coin.
- Then sell it.
You can hang up the quarter.
Ooh.
I let you put percale sheets up in the bedroom.
I wanted Heroes of the NFL.
Like I wanna sleep for the rest of my life on Dick Butkus? Think about it.
We haven't even talked about the biggest compromise of all - the kids.
- How are the boys a compromise? - I wanted girls.
You wanted boys.
I gave you boys.
- Yo, Wilson, you over there? - Right here, Tim.
Have you finished painting that dummy for Randy yet? Mm.
Almost.
I must say, you did a wonderful job of carving it.
Thanks, buddy.
Oh, I've always been a big fan of ventriloquism.
A noble art from the Latin words venter and loqui.
meaning to speak from the belly.
I do that after I eat Mexican food.
Mm-hm.
Mm-hm.
Mm-hm.
- You mind if I ask you something? - Throw your voice, good neighbor.
Jill's taken this stupid test.
It says we're not compatible.
- I know we love each other.
- Mm-hm.
I just wonder how we stay together if we're so different.
Well, Tim, much of it has to do with the unity of opposites.
The yin and the yang.
Those two pandas at the Washington Zoo? Oh, no, Tim.
That would be Ling Ling and Hsing Hsing.
- Oh, Hsing Hsing - Yes.
What I'm talking about is the paradox of a relationship.
And a paradox is not necessarily a bad thing.
- A paradox is not necessarily a bad thing.
- Mm-hm.
There you go, neighbor.
A paradox creates tension, and tension is energy, and energy is a force and we all live in this force, and that's the excitement of life and love.
Are you with me, Tim? You're saying a paradox is not necessarily a bad thing.
Mm-hm.
Tim, I believe it was André Maurois who said that a successful marriage is an edifice that must be rebuilt every day.
And I like rebuilding, boy.
Hammer, hammer, yeah, saw, hammer.
That's because you have an edifice complex.
Oh, my gosh, I do crack myself up sometimes.
But I think what Maurois was trying to say is that there is a deep chasm between man and woman, and every day we must build a bridge and cross over to the other side.
Wouldn't that put Jill on my side and me on her side? No, no, no, Tim.
In a successful marriage, man and woman will meet in the middle.
- Hi, Randy.
- Hi, Mom.
What's wrong? Well, the principal asked me to do some ventriloquism.
I tried to say, "Hi, Aunt Vivian," and I coughed in her face.
Hi, honey.
Hey, Randy.
Don't look.
Don't look.
I finished your dummy.
I think you're gonna find this the handsomest dummy ever.
Are you guys ready? Whoa.
- Wow, that's great, Dad.
- This is so amazing.
Gosh, it's so real, it's hard to tell who's who.
- Cool? - Wow, that's great, Dad.
But I'm not a very good ventriloquist.
My lips keep moving.
That's why I designed it this way.
Watch.
Your lips don't have to move.
OK, Tim Junior.
Look over at me.
Hi.
Hey.
How do you feel about that more power? - Cool.
I can do that.
- I know you can.
Try to work it out upstairs.
All right? In front of that big mirror on your door.
- OK.
Thanks, Dad.
- You bet, buddy.
- Tim, you outdid yourself.
- Sometimes I do that.
Listen, I got us some videos and some pizza.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Before you do that, I've been thinking.
- What was the occasion? - I think we're compatible even though you like percale sheets and I wanna sleep with Dick Butkus.
- Why are we compatible? - Because we choose to be.
You and I are a pair o' ducks.
- And that's not necessarily a bad thing.
- Pair o' ducks? Yes.
Yin and Yang.
They couldn't swim the Chasm river, right? So they built this bridge, and they sat up there and quacked.
A bridge? You're trying to tell me you built a bridge? No, no, no, no, no, no.
Don't get me wrong.
What we do is, we start over every day.
I choose you, you choose me.
So we're, like, kinda stuck with each other.
Yes.
And you know what? With you, I don't mind compromising.
I don't, either.
You know, I've even started liking those stupid bloody action films.
- Really? - Yeah.
Wouldn't mind having Arnold Schwarzenegger sheets.
Maria! And you know what? I like going to the mall with you.
Really? Uh I kinda like buying lingerie.
I think that better stay our secret.
You thought I see.
All right, Tim Junior.
Now let's do our impression of a very bad Godzilla movie.
Oh, no, Godzilla.
Monster's behind that building.
Come on out, honey.
You've had enough time practicing with that thing.
Oh, Tim! - I love it.
- 'Cause it looks like me.
- No, I mean mine.
- Oh, Jill Jr.
I'm sorry.
All right, Tim Jr.
I'd like you to meet Jill Jr.
Aah! Nice hair, helmet head.
Is that your face, or do you have Dutch elm disease? Why don't you look at me when you talk to me? You're not a very good ventriloquist.
- I saw your lips moving.
- Why don't you come over here and I'll show you how they do ventriloquism in France? - Oh, yeah? - Yeah.
Hello, everybody.
Welcome to Tool Time I'm your host, Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor.
You all know my assistant, Al "I caused the " From the top.
We're still rolling.
Three, two Five, four, three, two Hi, everybody.
Welcome to Tool Time I'm your host Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor.
You all know my assistant, Al "I caused the " Why'd you give me this