Home Improvement s02e17 Episode Script
You're Driving Me Crazy, You're Driving Me Nuts
When cutting the shelving for your entertainment center, you want to remember the old carpenters' adage, "Measure twice, cut once.
" Yeah, but what about the other adage by the Carpenters? Why do birds suddenly appear When you're near? If you'd like plans for our entertainment center, write to us, Tool Time.
and ask for Tool Time plan A340.
But A340 won't include the little adjustment I made.
And what little adjustment would that be, Tim? I installed a little swing-out drawer for the VCR.
Well, plan A340 does not require a pull-out drawer and will not be in the blueprints.
Al, Al, Al.
Let's not get hung up on blueprints, shall we, Al? Let's think about the many things in life that have been built just on the old noggin, using the imagination.
Like the Seven Wonders of the World.
I believe the Sphinx required extensive blueprints, Tim.
Al, Al, Al.
I'm talking about the seven wonders of the manly world.
Wing nuts.
Oh, ho, ho.
The athletic cup.
Ha-ha-ha-ha! Gatorade.
You're comparing Gatorade to the Sphinx? Has the Sphinx ever replaced your electrolytes? I don't think so, Al.
Tim, can we stop this nonsense and please get back to our project at hand? As you can see, I've added a new roller on the drawer, here, using Binford's new easy-glide system.
It's Teflon-coated, so it's just like fluid movements.
Well, I hope you put stops on the front of the track, Tim.
Gosh, I hope I did, otherwise things would just fall right out.
It worked.
I apologize.
It is fluid-like movement 'cause you can move your VCR in and out just like that.
Well, what do you think? Can we put the kids in the middle? Come on, Isiah.
Here he goes.
There he Drives a lane, he shoots, he scores! All right! Dad, what game are you watching? I taped the Piston-Bulls game from last night.
- Oh, great game.
The Pistons - N-n-no.
Quiet! I don't wanna know the score.
I didn't see it last night, that's why I taped it.
I didn't look at the paper.
So you don't want us to ruin the surprise for you.
Yeah, brainiac.
That's the idea.
Aren't there some ants you can burn somewhere, or something like that? Brad, this has gotta be worth something.
I mean, at least a couple of bucks.
It's not worth any bucks.
Nothing.
You're getting no money, OK? OK, but, you know We wouldn't want the score - to accidentally slip out.
- Quiet.
Quiet! - Like 98 - All right! Boy, oh, boy, you guys.
Here.
Take all I got.
Dad, we meant two bucks each.
Come on.
Don't mess up my suit.
Go, go, go.
Get out.
Tim, will you sign this card for Sheila? Not now, I'm watching this Piston-Bulls game I taped.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know.
The Bulls.
That's, uh Marvin Jordan, right? Yeah, Marvin Michael Jordan.
Michael Jordan.
Yeah, yeah.
Whatever.
Don't get too involved in it.
When Karen gets here we gotta go to Sheila's wedding.
What's the hurry? The groom probably won't even show up.
Don't say that, don't say that! It's bad luck.
How much worse luck can the woman have? She's been jilted at the altar, like, three times.
I know.
I'm in the wedding this time.
I'm going to bring her luck.
You were in our wedding, it didn't bring us that much luck.
Very funny! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Come in.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Thank you so much for baby-sitting for us.
It's my pleasure.
- Hi, Karen.
- Hey, Mark.
Ready for a hot hand of go fish? Sure, I'll run and get the cards.
Hey, Tim.
Oh, don't bother to get up.
Wasn't even thinking about it.
Tim, it is so noisy.
Can you turn it down, please? OK, tell me everything.
Is it a big wedding? Is he spending a fortune? Yes, I really I can't believe it.
I mean - Her father keeps - It's not working, hon.
He's gonna be spending, like, $4,000 on the flowers alone.
- $4,000? - Yeah.
That's right.
She's 38- he'd pay anything to get her out of the house now.
All right, where's the slam about me being 36 and single? That was last year.
Now you're 37 and desperate.
Not true.
Just so happens I'm dating a very nice attorney.
He took me to the Pistons' game last night.
Oh, that's the game that Tim is watching right now.
Oh, yeah.
Wasn't that great when the Pistons won it right at the buzzer? Oh, come on, Tim.
You weren't gonna see the whole game anyway.
What did you do with that list of instructions that Sheila gave us? - I tossed 'em out.
- Oh, no! Why? We have been to North Adams a hundred times.
I need those.
They're very specific to get to that church.
Here they are.
I know the church.
She's almost been married there three times.
You just follow the teardrops right up to the door.
I can't take any chances.
I have to be there a couple of hours early.
I think you're forgetting who has the radarlike sense of direction around here.
- Tim? - Yeah? Car is out front.
Well, the radar doesn't really kick in till you get in the car.
Tim, I don't think we're on the right road.
We're fine.
We followed all the signs for the detour.
Sheila said that after 45 minutes we'll pass a 20-foot guy holding a huge doughnut.
We missed him.
Maybe he's out looking for a 40-foot cup of coffee to dunk it in.
Tim, what road are we on? - 127.
Heading south.
- OK.
called Rhonda's Discount Hair Outlet.
Does Sheila know the roads actually have numbers? 94, 127? There's no Interstate Big Guy With A Doughnut.
Honey, we're fine.
We took 94 west, just past Ann Arbor, south on 127, looking for County Line Road, right into North Adams.
Tim, that sign.
It just said 223.
It can't be.
I haven't turned off 127.
Well, maybe we should stop and ask for directions.
Honey, I know where we're going.
I know where we are.
There's a sign.
Adrian, six miles.
OK, Adrian.
Adrian is on 223.
We're down and right.
We're supposed to be up and left.
Thank you, Rand McNally.
Do you mean north and west? We have gone way out of the way.
Way out.
No, we haven't.
We're only an inch or so.
I see.
So when we hit Ecuador, you'll just say we're off by about a foot and a half? - Honey, we're fine.
- Ask for directions.
By the time I stop and ask for directions, we're gonna be where we're going.
Not if you drive around in circles.
- Watch the map, please.
- What? - You're folding it wrong.
- Folding it wrong? Who died and made you the map police? Honey.
Tim, my feet are freezing.
I'm starving.
Eat your feet.
Fine.
But I'm not giving you any.
Oh, come on.
I got some Life Savers.
That'll hold you over.
Thank you.
Why can't we just stop and ask for directions? Because we're almost there.
Tim, I have to be there early enough to be able to put my dress on.
We're close.
Next sign you see will be North Adams.
Right there, what does that say? "Welcome to Ohio.
" Well, we won't be needing that Michigan map now, will we? If we hit Kentucky, I'm filing for divorce.
All right, all right.
I'll pull it over.
You know, seeing that sign was a good thing, 'cause now we know that we are finally in the right direction.
Oh, good.
Pull up to that minimart over there.
You can find out how to get to North Adams.
- I don't need the directions now.
- Stop and ask for directions, or I will get up early every morning and burn your sports section.
Whoo, boy! Cold out there.
- Officer.
- Hi, there.
What can I do for you? I'm on my way to a wedding.
I gotta find 127.
- 127? That's pretty far.
- Yeah.
You're really lost.
Way lost.
Well, I was letting my wife do the navigating.
You know how that is.
OK.
You're on County Road 6, you wanna follow that north, two tenths of a mile, to 20.
- 20.
Is north right or left? - It's left.
- Thanks a lot, you guys.
- All right.
- No, you can't go that way.
- Sure he can, Marty.
Nah, radio says County Road 6 closed near 20, John.
- Fallen tree.
- Oh, yeah.
You can take County Road 6, turn west on Elmwood.
Which is right before Oakwood, so you hit Oakwood, you've gone too far.
OK.
What's before Elmwood? Edgewood.
But what do you care? You're going to Elmwood.
Thanks, guys.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
What am I talking about? - Elmwood's closed.
- Fallen tree? No.
A dead cow.
Yeah, frozen to the highway.
- What? - Happens a lot.
- Go north - that's left.
OK? - All right.
Now, at Beechwood you turn east - that's right.
Now, Beechwood becomes Route 2.
But you won't know that 'cause it's called Evelyn.
But it doesn't matter 'cause the sign blew down.
- Sign's down.
- OK.
Now, continue going east, on Evelyn, also known as Beechwood, a.
k.
a.
Route 2, till the fork in the road.
Now, north - left - is Carmelita, right - south - is Maple.
You want right-south Maple.
Got that? Cows freeze to the highway a lot? This is insane.
Getting dressed in the backseat of a car.
I cannot believe it.
- You look terrific.
- Look Why are we not there yet? I mean, didn't we get those directions, like, an hour ago? No, no.
It wasn't that long and we're almost there, honey.
We're close.
Boy, it's been a long time since you've been undressed in the back of this car.
Please just keep driving.
You know, sometimes I forget just how sexy you are.
Well, keep forgetting.
Will you keep your eyes on the road! I can't.
This storm is getting worse.
I can barely see anything.
Oh, look.
There's some lights up there.
Just pull up into that place and find out where we are.
We're in North Adams.
I can feel it.
Oh, just pull in and see.
Stay here.
Oh, boy.
Killer night.
Oh, no.
Hey.
How's it going? I'm in hell.
How was the wedding? Terrific.
Oh, what a great time! Now, if I gotta head back to that wedding, what would be the best way to get back there now? - Why would you wanna go back? - My wife left her purse there.
Just like a woman, huh? You're lost again, huh? Tim, do you know where we are now? - Yeah, I know exactly where we are.
- Oh, that's good.
Hi.
I think I'd better call the church and tell 'em that we're gonna be late.
- So, this must be your lovely wife, huh? - Ye J- Jill? Do you feel a draft at all? Area code 419? Are we still in Ohio? Yes, ma'am.
The Buckeye State.
Didn't you tell me that we were in North Adams? I said I know exactly where North Adams is.
Sure does.
We gave him directions over an hour ago.
You gave him directions Oh, no.
Is this the place that we stopped before? Sure.
We haven't moved.
How did you do this? Well, I was a little confused with the blizzard.
You were naked in the backseat.
Oh, hey, hey.
Come on, now.
This is Ohio.
We have laws.
- I think you're just happy about this.
- Oh, yeah.
Thrilled.
Look at me.
This is how I planned it, man.
Drive around three hours.
Blizzard.
Get lost.
End up in Marty's minimart here in Ohio.
You folks own that red station wagon out there? - Yes, we do.
- It's rolling backwards down Elmwood.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Whoa! Does anybody have any - Karen.
- What? - Don't cheat.
- Cheating? I wasn't cheating.
I was just checking to see if Mark needed some more hot chocolate.
- I'll get some.
- OK.
Does anybody have any fours? Darn it! You guys always win.
- Hi, everybody.
- Whoa, Dad.
- Who are you? Frosty the Mudman? - I really don't need to hear this now, OK? You obviously got the car dug out of the ditch.
- I got the car out of the ditch.
- Yeah.
Mom must have been mad when you got lost in Ohio.
Oh, she loved it.
It was the best night of her life.
Yeah, right.
I guess that's why you didn't come home with your wife.
- Over the edge? - Way over the edge.
Uncle Bill took her to the wedding.
He's gonna drop her off a little later.
Why didn't you go? Go like this? Mudman? I think it's time you guys went to bed.
And wash up before you go.
- Look who's talking.
- I heard that.
Thanks for watching these guys.
How were they? Oh, they were great.
Did somebody get the Red Wings game on videotape, like I wanted? Oh, yeah, yeah.
It was a great game.
The Red Wings won, three to two.
Guess you didn't wanna hear that, did you? Night.
Hi-ho, Tim.
Hi, Wilson.
You're up late.
What are you doing? Well, I'm just packing some snow to send to my cousin Ernie in Pango Pango.
He really misses the winter.
- He does? - Of course, he pays me for it.
And let me tell you, there's no business like snow business.
I'm on a roll.
You won't believe the night I've had.
Well, from the looks of you, I would say that you pushed a car out of a ditch.
And from the nature and texture of your clothes, I would say you were somewhere in Ohio.
From the sound of that, I'd say you were talking to Karen.
I can't fool you, neighbor Tim.
Did you hear the whole story? Spent half the night driving around in circles.
Mm-hm.
Through a couple of states, I believe.
All Jill wanted me to do was stop and ask directions.
I didn't do it because I hate asking for directions.
Well, all men do.
It makes them feel subservient.
I really was sure that I knew where I was going.
I sensed it, you know? That's because men navigate by instincts and women navigate by landmarks.
Yeah, she kept talking about some huge man with a doughnut.
Oh, sure.
That's the sign for Bill's Big Bun Bonanza.
It's the turnoff to North Adams.
I should have just done what she said.
Got directions and forget my stupid instincts.
Oh, Tim.
Don't sell your stupid instincts short.
Do you realize that people have a tiny compass in their nose? I was never aware of that, no.
Yes, it's true.
People have a tiny iron deposit in their nose.
It's right up here, near the ethmoid bone.
And that gives them directions to magnetic north, and since men have more iron in their bodies than women, it only follows that they would make a better compass.
If I have such good instincts, how come I couldn't find the wedding? Pardon me, Tim? If I have such good instincts, how come I couldn't find the wedding? Well, Tim, a map is a little more accurate than your nose.
Plus it's a heck of a lot easier to fold.
- Here comes your beautiful bride, Tim.
- Good night, Wilson.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- How'd the wedding go? - There wasn't one.
She got stood up again.
- Not again? - I couldn't believe it.
The guy called the caterer and cancelled the dinner.
The caterer broke it to Sheila in kind of a mean way, too.
Walked over to the wedding cake and just ripped the groom right off the top.
Just left a shin and a knee bone there, huh? Sheila told everybody to go home.
You should've seen Aunt Merle trying to stuff all the jumbo shrimp in her purse before she left.
- This was too big to fit in the purse? - She got the bottom three layers.
When I left, Sheila was crying into her double bourbon, having to listen to that nephew of hers - you know, Todd - play "You Light Up My Life" on the accordion.
Some night, huh? You know my direction's usually better than that.
I just got all disoriented, even though my nose is filled with iron boogers.
- What? - Don't worry.
You got 'em too.
Oh.
Don't explain, don't explain.
I've already decided that this whole night is poor Sheila's fault.
I mean, the woman is cursed.
- Did you get anything to eat? - Uh-uh.
- You want some cake? - Sure.
Would you get some forks and knives? Let's see.
- You know what this reminds me of? - Yes.
Our wedding.
Our wedding was so beautiful.
I am so glad that I didn't let anybody talk me out of marrying you.
- Who tried to talk you out of marrying me? - Oh, no one.
You know, just my mom, my dad, my sisters, my friends.
The minister.
The postman.
Some guy down at the mailbox.
- You know.
Oh, and Sheila.
- Yeah.
Who said to me, "Don't marry him.
I know a loser when I see one.
" - Good thing she was wrong.
- Who said she was wrong? This is the best cake Sheila's ever had.
I'm never getting married.
You and Sheila have a lot in common.
Dad, what was your wedding like? Your mum really loved it.
But, I gotta be honest, weddings aren't really for men.
- What do you mean? - I mean women, they invent weddings for other women.
Flower girls tossing little petals around.
All the bridesmaids look like big swollen daffodils in these little taffeta gowns.
Well, then, why get married? Well, 'cause one day you meet a real wonderful girl.
Who'll badger you into thinking it's a great idea.
Is that right? Did you see her over there? So, tell me, Mr.
Wedding Genius Expert, how would you plan a wedding? Oh, easy.
I'd go with that football theme.
The old gridiron wedding.
Have the minister stand up there, and - you know where he stands - you put a big one of those wide-screen TVs, right behind him.
So you can catch the play-offs.
Then right at the right moment, the minister would say: "You may raise the helmet and kiss the bride.
" Then you'd spike the ball and carry her off.
So I don't hear any complaints about the honeymoon.
- You wouldn't do anything to change that? - Oh, yeah, yeah.
After the wedding, you take the bride back to the honeymoon suite, - lower the lights, turn on some music - Yeah.
Yeah.
play some air hockey.
- Well, I like that.
- OK.
So, how many games would you be up for? How many quarters you got, little lady? I got a whole new roll.
Oh, no.
Why can't we just stop and ask for directions? Because we're almost there.
No, it's 6:30.
I was supposed to be there, like, a half an hour ago.
Come on, honey.
I don't have any idea what my line is.
- It's good cake, isn't it? - Yummy.
- Yummy.
- Yeah.
Really good up the nose, too.
" Yeah, but what about the other adage by the Carpenters? Why do birds suddenly appear When you're near? If you'd like plans for our entertainment center, write to us, Tool Time.
and ask for Tool Time plan A340.
But A340 won't include the little adjustment I made.
And what little adjustment would that be, Tim? I installed a little swing-out drawer for the VCR.
Well, plan A340 does not require a pull-out drawer and will not be in the blueprints.
Al, Al, Al.
Let's not get hung up on blueprints, shall we, Al? Let's think about the many things in life that have been built just on the old noggin, using the imagination.
Like the Seven Wonders of the World.
I believe the Sphinx required extensive blueprints, Tim.
Al, Al, Al.
I'm talking about the seven wonders of the manly world.
Wing nuts.
Oh, ho, ho.
The athletic cup.
Ha-ha-ha-ha! Gatorade.
You're comparing Gatorade to the Sphinx? Has the Sphinx ever replaced your electrolytes? I don't think so, Al.
Tim, can we stop this nonsense and please get back to our project at hand? As you can see, I've added a new roller on the drawer, here, using Binford's new easy-glide system.
It's Teflon-coated, so it's just like fluid movements.
Well, I hope you put stops on the front of the track, Tim.
Gosh, I hope I did, otherwise things would just fall right out.
It worked.
I apologize.
It is fluid-like movement 'cause you can move your VCR in and out just like that.
Well, what do you think? Can we put the kids in the middle? Come on, Isiah.
Here he goes.
There he Drives a lane, he shoots, he scores! All right! Dad, what game are you watching? I taped the Piston-Bulls game from last night.
- Oh, great game.
The Pistons - N-n-no.
Quiet! I don't wanna know the score.
I didn't see it last night, that's why I taped it.
I didn't look at the paper.
So you don't want us to ruin the surprise for you.
Yeah, brainiac.
That's the idea.
Aren't there some ants you can burn somewhere, or something like that? Brad, this has gotta be worth something.
I mean, at least a couple of bucks.
It's not worth any bucks.
Nothing.
You're getting no money, OK? OK, but, you know We wouldn't want the score - to accidentally slip out.
- Quiet.
Quiet! - Like 98 - All right! Boy, oh, boy, you guys.
Here.
Take all I got.
Dad, we meant two bucks each.
Come on.
Don't mess up my suit.
Go, go, go.
Get out.
Tim, will you sign this card for Sheila? Not now, I'm watching this Piston-Bulls game I taped.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know.
The Bulls.
That's, uh Marvin Jordan, right? Yeah, Marvin Michael Jordan.
Michael Jordan.
Yeah, yeah.
Whatever.
Don't get too involved in it.
When Karen gets here we gotta go to Sheila's wedding.
What's the hurry? The groom probably won't even show up.
Don't say that, don't say that! It's bad luck.
How much worse luck can the woman have? She's been jilted at the altar, like, three times.
I know.
I'm in the wedding this time.
I'm going to bring her luck.
You were in our wedding, it didn't bring us that much luck.
Very funny! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Come in.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Thank you so much for baby-sitting for us.
It's my pleasure.
- Hi, Karen.
- Hey, Mark.
Ready for a hot hand of go fish? Sure, I'll run and get the cards.
Hey, Tim.
Oh, don't bother to get up.
Wasn't even thinking about it.
Tim, it is so noisy.
Can you turn it down, please? OK, tell me everything.
Is it a big wedding? Is he spending a fortune? Yes, I really I can't believe it.
I mean - Her father keeps - It's not working, hon.
He's gonna be spending, like, $4,000 on the flowers alone.
- $4,000? - Yeah.
That's right.
She's 38- he'd pay anything to get her out of the house now.
All right, where's the slam about me being 36 and single? That was last year.
Now you're 37 and desperate.
Not true.
Just so happens I'm dating a very nice attorney.
He took me to the Pistons' game last night.
Oh, that's the game that Tim is watching right now.
Oh, yeah.
Wasn't that great when the Pistons won it right at the buzzer? Oh, come on, Tim.
You weren't gonna see the whole game anyway.
What did you do with that list of instructions that Sheila gave us? - I tossed 'em out.
- Oh, no! Why? We have been to North Adams a hundred times.
I need those.
They're very specific to get to that church.
Here they are.
I know the church.
She's almost been married there three times.
You just follow the teardrops right up to the door.
I can't take any chances.
I have to be there a couple of hours early.
I think you're forgetting who has the radarlike sense of direction around here.
- Tim? - Yeah? Car is out front.
Well, the radar doesn't really kick in till you get in the car.
Tim, I don't think we're on the right road.
We're fine.
We followed all the signs for the detour.
Sheila said that after 45 minutes we'll pass a 20-foot guy holding a huge doughnut.
We missed him.
Maybe he's out looking for a 40-foot cup of coffee to dunk it in.
Tim, what road are we on? - 127.
Heading south.
- OK.
called Rhonda's Discount Hair Outlet.
Does Sheila know the roads actually have numbers? 94, 127? There's no Interstate Big Guy With A Doughnut.
Honey, we're fine.
We took 94 west, just past Ann Arbor, south on 127, looking for County Line Road, right into North Adams.
Tim, that sign.
It just said 223.
It can't be.
I haven't turned off 127.
Well, maybe we should stop and ask for directions.
Honey, I know where we're going.
I know where we are.
There's a sign.
Adrian, six miles.
OK, Adrian.
Adrian is on 223.
We're down and right.
We're supposed to be up and left.
Thank you, Rand McNally.
Do you mean north and west? We have gone way out of the way.
Way out.
No, we haven't.
We're only an inch or so.
I see.
So when we hit Ecuador, you'll just say we're off by about a foot and a half? - Honey, we're fine.
- Ask for directions.
By the time I stop and ask for directions, we're gonna be where we're going.
Not if you drive around in circles.
- Watch the map, please.
- What? - You're folding it wrong.
- Folding it wrong? Who died and made you the map police? Honey.
Tim, my feet are freezing.
I'm starving.
Eat your feet.
Fine.
But I'm not giving you any.
Oh, come on.
I got some Life Savers.
That'll hold you over.
Thank you.
Why can't we just stop and ask for directions? Because we're almost there.
Tim, I have to be there early enough to be able to put my dress on.
We're close.
Next sign you see will be North Adams.
Right there, what does that say? "Welcome to Ohio.
" Well, we won't be needing that Michigan map now, will we? If we hit Kentucky, I'm filing for divorce.
All right, all right.
I'll pull it over.
You know, seeing that sign was a good thing, 'cause now we know that we are finally in the right direction.
Oh, good.
Pull up to that minimart over there.
You can find out how to get to North Adams.
- I don't need the directions now.
- Stop and ask for directions, or I will get up early every morning and burn your sports section.
Whoo, boy! Cold out there.
- Officer.
- Hi, there.
What can I do for you? I'm on my way to a wedding.
I gotta find 127.
- 127? That's pretty far.
- Yeah.
You're really lost.
Way lost.
Well, I was letting my wife do the navigating.
You know how that is.
OK.
You're on County Road 6, you wanna follow that north, two tenths of a mile, to 20.
- 20.
Is north right or left? - It's left.
- Thanks a lot, you guys.
- All right.
- No, you can't go that way.
- Sure he can, Marty.
Nah, radio says County Road 6 closed near 20, John.
- Fallen tree.
- Oh, yeah.
You can take County Road 6, turn west on Elmwood.
Which is right before Oakwood, so you hit Oakwood, you've gone too far.
OK.
What's before Elmwood? Edgewood.
But what do you care? You're going to Elmwood.
Thanks, guys.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
What am I talking about? - Elmwood's closed.
- Fallen tree? No.
A dead cow.
Yeah, frozen to the highway.
- What? - Happens a lot.
- Go north - that's left.
OK? - All right.
Now, at Beechwood you turn east - that's right.
Now, Beechwood becomes Route 2.
But you won't know that 'cause it's called Evelyn.
But it doesn't matter 'cause the sign blew down.
- Sign's down.
- OK.
Now, continue going east, on Evelyn, also known as Beechwood, a.
k.
a.
Route 2, till the fork in the road.
Now, north - left - is Carmelita, right - south - is Maple.
You want right-south Maple.
Got that? Cows freeze to the highway a lot? This is insane.
Getting dressed in the backseat of a car.
I cannot believe it.
- You look terrific.
- Look Why are we not there yet? I mean, didn't we get those directions, like, an hour ago? No, no.
It wasn't that long and we're almost there, honey.
We're close.
Boy, it's been a long time since you've been undressed in the back of this car.
Please just keep driving.
You know, sometimes I forget just how sexy you are.
Well, keep forgetting.
Will you keep your eyes on the road! I can't.
This storm is getting worse.
I can barely see anything.
Oh, look.
There's some lights up there.
Just pull up into that place and find out where we are.
We're in North Adams.
I can feel it.
Oh, just pull in and see.
Stay here.
Oh, boy.
Killer night.
Oh, no.
Hey.
How's it going? I'm in hell.
How was the wedding? Terrific.
Oh, what a great time! Now, if I gotta head back to that wedding, what would be the best way to get back there now? - Why would you wanna go back? - My wife left her purse there.
Just like a woman, huh? You're lost again, huh? Tim, do you know where we are now? - Yeah, I know exactly where we are.
- Oh, that's good.
Hi.
I think I'd better call the church and tell 'em that we're gonna be late.
- So, this must be your lovely wife, huh? - Ye J- Jill? Do you feel a draft at all? Area code 419? Are we still in Ohio? Yes, ma'am.
The Buckeye State.
Didn't you tell me that we were in North Adams? I said I know exactly where North Adams is.
Sure does.
We gave him directions over an hour ago.
You gave him directions Oh, no.
Is this the place that we stopped before? Sure.
We haven't moved.
How did you do this? Well, I was a little confused with the blizzard.
You were naked in the backseat.
Oh, hey, hey.
Come on, now.
This is Ohio.
We have laws.
- I think you're just happy about this.
- Oh, yeah.
Thrilled.
Look at me.
This is how I planned it, man.
Drive around three hours.
Blizzard.
Get lost.
End up in Marty's minimart here in Ohio.
You folks own that red station wagon out there? - Yes, we do.
- It's rolling backwards down Elmwood.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Whoa! Does anybody have any - Karen.
- What? - Don't cheat.
- Cheating? I wasn't cheating.
I was just checking to see if Mark needed some more hot chocolate.
- I'll get some.
- OK.
Does anybody have any fours? Darn it! You guys always win.
- Hi, everybody.
- Whoa, Dad.
- Who are you? Frosty the Mudman? - I really don't need to hear this now, OK? You obviously got the car dug out of the ditch.
- I got the car out of the ditch.
- Yeah.
Mom must have been mad when you got lost in Ohio.
Oh, she loved it.
It was the best night of her life.
Yeah, right.
I guess that's why you didn't come home with your wife.
- Over the edge? - Way over the edge.
Uncle Bill took her to the wedding.
He's gonna drop her off a little later.
Why didn't you go? Go like this? Mudman? I think it's time you guys went to bed.
And wash up before you go.
- Look who's talking.
- I heard that.
Thanks for watching these guys.
How were they? Oh, they were great.
Did somebody get the Red Wings game on videotape, like I wanted? Oh, yeah, yeah.
It was a great game.
The Red Wings won, three to two.
Guess you didn't wanna hear that, did you? Night.
Hi-ho, Tim.
Hi, Wilson.
You're up late.
What are you doing? Well, I'm just packing some snow to send to my cousin Ernie in Pango Pango.
He really misses the winter.
- He does? - Of course, he pays me for it.
And let me tell you, there's no business like snow business.
I'm on a roll.
You won't believe the night I've had.
Well, from the looks of you, I would say that you pushed a car out of a ditch.
And from the nature and texture of your clothes, I would say you were somewhere in Ohio.
From the sound of that, I'd say you were talking to Karen.
I can't fool you, neighbor Tim.
Did you hear the whole story? Spent half the night driving around in circles.
Mm-hm.
Through a couple of states, I believe.
All Jill wanted me to do was stop and ask directions.
I didn't do it because I hate asking for directions.
Well, all men do.
It makes them feel subservient.
I really was sure that I knew where I was going.
I sensed it, you know? That's because men navigate by instincts and women navigate by landmarks.
Yeah, she kept talking about some huge man with a doughnut.
Oh, sure.
That's the sign for Bill's Big Bun Bonanza.
It's the turnoff to North Adams.
I should have just done what she said.
Got directions and forget my stupid instincts.
Oh, Tim.
Don't sell your stupid instincts short.
Do you realize that people have a tiny compass in their nose? I was never aware of that, no.
Yes, it's true.
People have a tiny iron deposit in their nose.
It's right up here, near the ethmoid bone.
And that gives them directions to magnetic north, and since men have more iron in their bodies than women, it only follows that they would make a better compass.
If I have such good instincts, how come I couldn't find the wedding? Pardon me, Tim? If I have such good instincts, how come I couldn't find the wedding? Well, Tim, a map is a little more accurate than your nose.
Plus it's a heck of a lot easier to fold.
- Here comes your beautiful bride, Tim.
- Good night, Wilson.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- How'd the wedding go? - There wasn't one.
She got stood up again.
- Not again? - I couldn't believe it.
The guy called the caterer and cancelled the dinner.
The caterer broke it to Sheila in kind of a mean way, too.
Walked over to the wedding cake and just ripped the groom right off the top.
Just left a shin and a knee bone there, huh? Sheila told everybody to go home.
You should've seen Aunt Merle trying to stuff all the jumbo shrimp in her purse before she left.
- This was too big to fit in the purse? - She got the bottom three layers.
When I left, Sheila was crying into her double bourbon, having to listen to that nephew of hers - you know, Todd - play "You Light Up My Life" on the accordion.
Some night, huh? You know my direction's usually better than that.
I just got all disoriented, even though my nose is filled with iron boogers.
- What? - Don't worry.
You got 'em too.
Oh.
Don't explain, don't explain.
I've already decided that this whole night is poor Sheila's fault.
I mean, the woman is cursed.
- Did you get anything to eat? - Uh-uh.
- You want some cake? - Sure.
Would you get some forks and knives? Let's see.
- You know what this reminds me of? - Yes.
Our wedding.
Our wedding was so beautiful.
I am so glad that I didn't let anybody talk me out of marrying you.
- Who tried to talk you out of marrying me? - Oh, no one.
You know, just my mom, my dad, my sisters, my friends.
The minister.
The postman.
Some guy down at the mailbox.
- You know.
Oh, and Sheila.
- Yeah.
Who said to me, "Don't marry him.
I know a loser when I see one.
" - Good thing she was wrong.
- Who said she was wrong? This is the best cake Sheila's ever had.
I'm never getting married.
You and Sheila have a lot in common.
Dad, what was your wedding like? Your mum really loved it.
But, I gotta be honest, weddings aren't really for men.
- What do you mean? - I mean women, they invent weddings for other women.
Flower girls tossing little petals around.
All the bridesmaids look like big swollen daffodils in these little taffeta gowns.
Well, then, why get married? Well, 'cause one day you meet a real wonderful girl.
Who'll badger you into thinking it's a great idea.
Is that right? Did you see her over there? So, tell me, Mr.
Wedding Genius Expert, how would you plan a wedding? Oh, easy.
I'd go with that football theme.
The old gridiron wedding.
Have the minister stand up there, and - you know where he stands - you put a big one of those wide-screen TVs, right behind him.
So you can catch the play-offs.
Then right at the right moment, the minister would say: "You may raise the helmet and kiss the bride.
" Then you'd spike the ball and carry her off.
So I don't hear any complaints about the honeymoon.
- You wouldn't do anything to change that? - Oh, yeah, yeah.
After the wedding, you take the bride back to the honeymoon suite, - lower the lights, turn on some music - Yeah.
Yeah.
play some air hockey.
- Well, I like that.
- OK.
So, how many games would you be up for? How many quarters you got, little lady? I got a whole new roll.
Oh, no.
Why can't we just stop and ask for directions? Because we're almost there.
No, it's 6:30.
I was supposed to be there, like, a half an hour ago.
Come on, honey.
I don't have any idea what my line is.
- It's good cake, isn't it? - Yummy.
- Yummy.
- Yeah.
Really good up the nose, too.