Home Improvement s02e23 Episode Script

- Hey.
- Oh, hi.
- You've been shopping.
- Yep.
Well, I know that's not my Mother's Day present, since you leave that to the last possible moment.
Ha! This just happens to be your Mother's Day present.
Oh, yeah? What is it? - I don't wanna ruin the surprise.
- Ruin it.
No, no, no.
I wanna see your face light up on Mother's Day.
Why? Is it a flame thrower? - You're gonna love this.
- Let me see.
Let me see.
Oh! Just what I always wanted.
A muffler.
Well, if anyone could use a muffler, it'd be you.
I should've known.
You and the boys haven't given my present a moment's thought.
Yes, we have.
You have not.
You're just gonna run the boys to the nearest minimart - and buy the first thing you see.
- I encourage my boys to buy quality gifts.
Yeah, right.
Like this, uh, multicolored candy necklace.
This isn't just candy.
These are breath mints.
Yeah.
And these priceless things here.
I bought those.
Those are one of a kind.
Ever wonder why, Tim? A lot of women pay big bucks to look like a rearview mirror, hon.
Tim, I don't want you to go out and buy the boys presents to give me.
You know? I want them to give me something that's from their hearts.
All right.
I'll get the boys together.
We'll gear up this year.
We'll make May 16 a day you never forget.
Mother's Day is May 9.
I know.
But around here, we celebrate May 16.
It's Muffler's Day.
Well, what do you think? Could we put the kids in the middle? Guys, guys, guys.
Come on.
Huddle up.
I want to talk to you before your mom comes down.
Mark, you're the lookout.
- OK.
- All right.
- I don't want your mom to hear this.
- What did you blow up this time? The toaster, but she knows about that.
No, no, no, no.
I wanna talk about a Mother's Day gift.
Come on, Dad.
We still have four days till we have to buy her something.
No, that's exactly my point.
She doesn't want us to do this.
She wants something from the heart.
So, you know what we're gonna give her? Blood? No, ventricle breath.
Not blood.
When I get home from work, we're gonna build her something.
Come on, Dad.
Let's just buy her something.
- This is your mom we're talking about.
- I know.
Do you know that you were a very difficult birth? Hm? Breech baby? Hm? Elbows straight up like grasshoppers? Hm? All right, Dad.
OK.
- Hi, guys.
- Here she comes! Ixnay on the giftay, uysgays.
Planning my Mother's Day gift already? Gosh.
I'm so impressed, I'm not even gonna ask you what you're buying me.
- We're each gonna make you something.
- Hey.
You're gonna make me something? I love that idea.
Thank you.
OK, guys, build away.
Now, boys, don't forget to put your lunches in your backpacks and brush your teeth before you go, OK? - Bye, Mom.
- Love you.
Have a good day.
- Oh, you need gas in your car.
- Oh, d'oh! Hey, way to go, loudmouth.
Now we actually have to build something.
Nice attitude.
Come on, guys.
I already took the hot rod outta the garage.
When I get home from work, we'll turn it into Man Central.
Huh? Saw blades, cuts, slivers, blisters Come on.
A little Mother's Day grunt? I love you, Mom.
You're the greatest.
Friends, having difficult removing all that gunk outta that ugly bathroom drain? Well, these are just a few of the products Binford gives you to remove dirt and grease and, in Al's case, loose beard hair.
One of the most popular tools is called the plunger.
That's right.
You might wanna remind our viewers to coat the to coat the rim of the plug with petroleum jelly.
This will help form a tight seal between the plunger and the drain.
Yes.
Next, I'd like to show you Binford's closet auger.
Now, this particular auger helps toilet clogs.
Help me, Al.
I got a big one.
A freshwater hairball.
And finally, our favorite choice - the Binford trap and drain auger.
Normally called "the snake.
" Remember, folks, if it doesn't say Binford on it, you won't be able to flush it.
Well, we're just about out of time.
But before we go, I'd like to talk a little bit about Al's mother.
- I'd prefer you wouldn't, Tim.
- I know, but with Mother's Day coming up, I realize a lot of the time I make fun of her on the show.
Yes, you do.
My mother is frequently the butt of your jokes.
Al, you make this too easy.
Well, you you're always poking fun of her cooking, of her weight, her love for bingo, her son Al, come in for a landing, OK? Being Mother's Day, I thought I'd make her a gift, kind of a - ooh - peace offering.
- Really? - Lisa! Well, that was awfully big of you.
Well, I thought maybe for those those festive Thanksgiving dinners, she might have a nice new apron.
- What are you guys building in there? - Who said we were building anything? - Come on.
What are you making? - Can't tell you.
Top secret.
Brad, give me a hint.
No hints! You ought to be ashamed of yourself.
And you call yourself a mother.
Come on, son.
What's the secret grunt? Enter.
- Hi, Mom.
Can I have a Popsicle? - Sure.
What's the secret grunt? Access denied.
Too much estrogen content.
OK, Dad.
I'm all finished.
All I need to do is let the glue set.
- Great job on the little jewelry box, son.
- Thanks.
Quick, and very nice.
Take a little gander at Randy's.
Don't bother.
It stinks, Dad.
What is it? I can't even figure it out.
Well, don't rack your brain.
You might smash the pea.
Guys, give it a rest, OK? Take five.
Don't worry about your brother.
I think this birdhouse is really nice.
I'll help you fix these walls.
- What's wrong with them? They're up.
- Well, if I use the miter box on them, I can take all the rough edges off and they'll fit real close together like this.
- I'll just paint over 'em.
- All right.
If you wanna paint over 'em But at least we'll sand down some of this rough stuff.
OK? - Look, Dad.
I'll just buy Mom something.
- No, don't buy her something.
- But I don't like doing this stuff.
- Yeah, you like it.
Dad, I didn't wanna do this in the first place.
- Oh, why don't I just finish it for you? - Great.
Is that all that your mother means to you? Come on, Dad.
It doesn't matter.
Mom's gonna love any piece of junk I give her.
There's a nice sentiment.
Why don't you just put that on the card? "Happy Mother's Day, Mom.
Here's some junk I know you'll love.
Randy.
" What are you talking about? This is the Norwegian death hold.
- No, it's not.
I can still breathe.
- Norwegian death hold Oh, really.
How about this? - Ow That's gotta hurt - That's it! Hey, guys.
Knock it off.
Come on.
Gosh, I liked it better when you were out in the garage with your father.
At least you weren't trying to kill each other.
- What's your father doing out there now? - He's working on Randy's project.
Hey, shut up, Brad.
Hey.
Randy, why is your father working on your project? - I don't know.
- Randy Mom, I'm not good at building things.
I don't care about tools.
Well, then why did you decide to build me something? I didn't.
Dad said I had to.
Hey, come on, guys.
Pillows on the couch.
- Tim, let me in.
- What's the secret grunt? Let me in now.
Close enough.
Why are you building Randy's Mother's Day gift? I'm not.
I'm just showing him the next step.
He's not in the room, Tim.
All right, all right.
He wasn't concentrating out here.
Well, maybe he's not interested in building stuff.
All my boys are interested in building stuff.
No.
Randy's different.
You know? He likes performing, ventriloquism, magic - He could build this.
- Tim, you're still not getting this.
I want the boys to give me stuff that shows their feelings for me.
What are you gonna do with a broomstick and a pointy hat? I'm laughing on the inside, Tim.
Now, look, I have faith in my boys that they will pick the perfect gift on their own.
- Do you have the same faith in me? - No.
No, I told you what I want.
A fine dinner in a nice restaurant.
OK? - We should go to Chez Pierre.
- I called them last week.
They were booked solid.
Should've called 'em and made reservations two months ago, like I did.
- You did that? - Mm-hm.
Oh, honey.
Yep.
All set.
Reservation for five, Mother's Day gourmet feast.
Mm.
Is that the one with the corsage and the champagne and the live music? Mais oui Boy, they go to a lot of effort on this bogus holiday, don't they? Excuse me.
Did you call Mother's Day a bogus holiday? Well, it's just been invented by restaurant owners and florists.
So you don't think that women, who go through the pain, torment and suffering of childbirth, don't deserve a special day? You got a day.
It's Labor Day.
- Afternoon, Wilson.
- Hidy-ho, neighbor.
What's with the flag? Tim, I'm commemorating the upcoming holiday.
With a flag? It's not the 4th of July.
It's Mother's Day.
You see, Tim, back in 1914, Congress passed a resolution establishing Mother's Day as an official holiday.
Huh? It was a proclamation calling on the public to display the flag as a sign of love and reverence for the mothers of our country, and it was issued by the president of the United States - Wilson - Absolutely right, Tim.
President Woodrow Wilson.
Well, maybe old Woodrow took credit for it, but I bet his mom gave him the idea.
Mm.
- Wilson? - Over here.
- You have company? - Oh, my favorite kind of company.
Mother.
- She just flew in from the Yukon.
- Really? I finally get to meet your mom.
Uh-huh.
Mom, I'd like you to meet my friend and good neighbor, Tim Taylor.
Hidy-ho, Timothy.
- Hi.
- You must be the confused one my son helps out from time to time.
Yeah.
Yeah, I'm him.
Sure is good to meet you.
Ho! I see where Wilson gets his good looks.
Yes.
I just flew her in to help her celebrate Mother's Day.
We're going down to Greek town to drink ouzo and dance the Xoro.
Boy, you guys really like to get down, huh? You know it, baby.
You know, Wilson, that was a great that's a great idea, flying your mom in like that.
Randy, my my middle son, is having trouble thinking of something for Mother's Day for for my wife.
Oh, I'm sure she'll love anything he gives her.
Mm-hm.
That's right, Tim.
After all, it was Pierre Corneille, the noted French playwright, who wrote: "I am in the habit of looking not so much to the nature of the gift as to the spirit in which it is given.
" - Oh, that's beautiful, yeah.
- Excuse me, son.
Are you sure it was Corneille? I believe it was Robert Louis Stevenson.
Well, by golly, Mom, I think you're right.
Pierre Corneille wrote, "The manner of giving is worth more than the gift.
" Act one, scene one of his play Le Menteur Oh, you do your mother proud.
Oh, Mom.
Thanks, Wilsons.
I was enjoying this quotefest.
But, remember, I'm the confused one.
And I still don't know what to tell Randy about Mother's Day.
Hm.
Hm, hm, hm, hm.
The most important gift you can give any mother is to let her know she's loved and appreciated.
I couldn't have said it better myself.
Enjoy your time here.
Greek town's a lot of fun.
Oh, yeah.
Anyway, today we're gonna show you how to pour a concrete foundation.
That's right.
And we'll be mixing our cement with the Binford 2000 cement mixer.
That's right.
And to get a little help with that cement mixing, we got the cement mixing pros from K&B Construction company up there in Bay City, Michigan to join us, and I expect a big Tool Time welcome for Dwayne, Pete and Rock.
Come on out, guys.
- It's great to have you guys here.
- It's always a pleasure to be here, Timmy.
Well, why don't we get started with that concrete? We gotta take our footing Excuse me, Tim.
If we have just a minute, I'd I'd like to read a poem.
A short poem that I wrote for my mom.
She'll be spending this Mother's Day up at Michigan State.
- University? - No.
Penitentiary.
Pete.
This is neither the time nor the place.
She was framed, Tim.
I think, under the circumstances, we could drop our tools for a couple of minutes and give a salute to mothers anywhere, or anywhere they spend their time.
"An Ode to My Mother" by Peter Bilker.
That would be me.
"Who etched this tattoo In her purple muumuu?" "Mother, Mother.
" "Who posted my bail Every time, without fail?" "Mother, Mother.
" "And who rushed to the car With my severed thumb in a jar?" Uh "Father, Father.
" "But who sewed it back on When the doctor was gone?" "Mother, Mother.
" Happy Mother's Day, Mom! You did a great job getting this thing working again.
Thanks, Dad.
I couldn't have done it without your help.
You're the one that got it all cleaned up, fixed that spring on the bottom.
And the best part is, you're gonna disappear in it.
- OK, Dad.
We're ready.
- All right.
Honey, come on down! We're all set.
You guys know what to do.
When she gets down here, on three.
Ready? One, two, three.
- Love you, Mom.
You're the best.
- You're the best.
You all look like such little gentlemen.
You're so clean and well-groomed.
Mom, you don't have to rub it in.
This is the best Mother's Day gift I could get.
Come on.
Let's go to dinner.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
All right, Mom.
Happy Mother's Day.
It's a jewelry box.
Brad, this is beautiful.
But look what I made you.
- Let me see.
- Happy Mother's Day, Mom.
- I love this.
- It's a recipe box.
Look at it.
It's made out of Popsicle sticks.
What a surprise.
And, Mom? Here's my gift to you.
A magic trick.
That is just what I wanted.
And it's real magic, too.
This is serious stuff.
- Yeah? - Prepare to be amazed by the Great Randini! Bravo! Bravo! Bravo! Thank you, thank you.
And you all know my assistant, Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor.
And a lovely assistant he is too.
Yes.
After I lock my assistant in the trunk, he will then disappear.
Oops.
What's this? Oh, sorry.
That's my last assistant.
Boy, I tell you, you look a foot short.
Close the lid! Brad, you wanna help me out here? OK.
Please observe that there are no holes of any kind, except in my assistant's head.
Abracadabra.
Ta-da! I am amazed and astonished.
Now I shall make him reappear.
Oh, what is your hurry? Abracadabra.
Don't stand near.
Now my father will appear.
Ta-da! Oops.
- Hey.
Where is he? - I don't know.
Well, these are all great presents, boys.
Let's go to dinner.
- Bye, Dad.
- I love you.
Have a nice time.
Open the lid! Come on! There's something moving in here.
I'm laughing on the inside, honey.
I wanna laugh on the outside! M is for the million things she gave me O means only that she's growing old She's growing old T is for the tears you shed to save me Guys, guys H is for the heart of purest gold Of purest gold E is for the eyes with love light shining R means right and right you'll always be She'll always be When you put them all together they spell Mother A word that means the world to me The world to me Friends, having trouble unclogging that nasty bathroom drain? These are just a few of the Binford products to help remove dirt, grease, and, in Al's case spare? No.
Loose? No.
Next I'd like to show you what we call the closet auger.
Now, this particular auger will clear