Home Improvement s03e15 Episode Script

Well, this week on Tool Time, it's "What's New?" What's new with you, Al? That lint? No, that's always been there, hasn't it? New shirt? New No.
Well, Tim, what's new with Binford is that they've just come up with a brand-new exterior wood filler.
It's a quick-drying latex blend that will fill holes of any size.
Hm.
Like this one back here? Tim.
We'll be using it today on the door and wood frame.
That's right.
Just a little bit can cover up scratches, nicks, any hole you have in that door.
A little dab'll do ya.
That's a pretty hip reference, Al or is it Daddy-o? How about a Hula-Hoop? Let's get some bell-bottoms.
Come on.
And we're also proud to introduce to you this - Binford's anodized aluminum kick plate.
Kick plate? Hm.
Maybe something you should install in the rear of your pants.
Very often in the humid days, sometimes the door will wedge itself shut, so you end up holding groceries coming in, you start kicking it.
"Honey!" Resulting in these unsightly kick marks.
Exactly.
But those are a memory now because of the kick plate we've got.
(kick plate twangs) Installed at the bottom of the door now, now you can kick till you're blue in the foot and it won't damage the door.
Why don't you give it a shot, Al? OK.
Yeah, well.
You can give it a kick.
Let's show how much abuse it can have.
Honey! Honey! Wilma! What do you think? Could we put the kids in the middle? Good night, Klaus.
Good night, you guys.
(kick plate twangs) Night, Al.
Hey, Tim.
Are you busy this weekend? Yeah.
Look, I really need a favor.
I'm thinking of buying some property.
In my neighborhood? No.
No.
Good.
See you.
But Marv wants to sell me his place up at Saginaw Bay.
And I was hoping you could come and take look at it with me.
Saginaw Bay? I've got relatives up there.
They got real expensive homes up there, Al.
Well How many bedrooms does Marv have? No bedrooms.
How many bathrooms? No baths.
Remind me not to stand too close to Marv.
It's an ice-fishing shanty.
A shanty? Yeah, you know, it's a house.
Sits right there on the lake, and you can fish right through a hole in the floor.
What kind of ice you fishing for? Cubed, crushed? Well, I I really would value your opinion.
I can give it to you right now.
You wanna buy a shack with no bedrooms, no baths, that sits on a frozen lake.
Let me just type that in the old real estate computer.
The answer's coming up Don't buy it.
Tim, I'd really like you to look at it with me.
Besides, we can spend some time together, talk a little, catch some fish But why are you asking me? Why don't you ask Ilene? Marv needs an answer by this weekend, and Ilene's gonna be at your house Saturday.
What? Yeah.
Jill invited the gals over to watch musicals.
"The gals over"? Was that this weekend she did that? Yeah, yeah, and they're gonna talk about their guys.
And they said something about removing unnecessary body hair.
Ugh.
(coughs) What time you wanna pick me up? How's 5:30 am? You stop by at 5:30am, I'll remove your unnecessary body hair.
Ice fishing in January.
We are so jealous.
Dad, did you hear what the weatherman said? He said it's gonna be seven below zero.
Thank you, Mr.
Thermometer.
Yeah, and that's the high.
It's not gonna be that bad.
Marv's shanty is real custom.
He's got insulation, a heater, bunks, shelves, the works.
It's a real cool place.
You know, I'd better make room in the freezer for all the fish Dad's gonna catch.
That should do it.
You guys gotta stop teasing me.
I'm starting to get real upset.
I wish you'd stop it.
I don't care what you say.
I'd rather be ice fishing anytime than be stuck here with women and these.
Gigi.
Funny Girl.
(fake laugh) The King and I.
Come on.
Dad, what's The King and I? It's some film about Elvis.
(doorbell rings) (Jill) I'll get it.
Hi, Al.
Morning.
Ilene! How come you're here so early? Hi.
I just wanted to drop Al off so I could see him until the last possible second.
That's so sweet.
You want some coffee? Thanks.
Nice hat.
Did you drive or fly over? I'm really excited about our girls-only party.
Can I bring anything? How about some men? You want some cream? Yes, please.
Well, I know it's just one day, but I hope you won't forget The Al Man.
I'll be thinking of you the whole time.
And I wanna know everything that happens while you're up there, OK? I certainly hope you won't forget The Tim Man.
I'll keep the oilcan ready.
Have a good time.
See you later.
Guys, group hug.
Oh, man.
Dad, we're too old for this.
You're too old for a group hug? It's back to individual ones, then.
(Tim) Structurally, the thing looks real sound, Al.
(Al) Yeah.
Oh, this is great! This is Marv's idea of a vacation? Remind me not to use his travel agent.
I think this is paradise on ice.
Well, why don't you go unpack and I'll putter around here in the living room? Aw, come on, Tim.
Before you put it down, I think maybe you should just relax and enjoy the whole ice-fishing experience.
You're right, Al.
I'll unpack my fishing gear, Hot Rod magazines, radio, and my little personal TV.
You brought a TV? You betcha.
Maybe we could watch Gilligan's Island, see how seven people feel about being stranded in the middle of nowhere.
Aw, come on, Tim.
Oh-ho, and I brought something for you.
Yeah? What's that? Binford's new Guy on the Go toiletries.
Hand cleaner.
It'll get off any smell.
Smells like sawdust.
I like it.
All right! Well, ha-ha! I don't know about you, but I'm ready to fish.
How about it? Oh, boy.
Looks like we're frozen over here.
We'll come back this summer.
Aw, come on, Tim.
Why don't you chisel a hole and I'll bait the hooks? I could use a crowbar.
You got a crowbar.
I got a chisel right here.
All right.
Small hole, huh? Uh-huh, yeah, that ought to do us.
Oh, boy.
Were you real attached to that chisel? Tim, that that chisel's been in my family for generations! That was handed down to me by my great-grandfather Hal Borland.
Well, it's not like it was new.
(Marie) How long we gotta keep this stuff on? Oh, just another minute.
That was such a good movie.
I'm rewinding.
I love Gigi.
Why can't life be like that? You're always in France, you drink champagne and you sing.
My life is a lot like Gigi's.
Except I live in Detroit, drink diet soda and my husband grunts.
What do you wanna watch next? Oh, wait! I brought The Long, Hot Summer with Paul Newman.
I love Paul Newman.
Me too.
Doesn't Paul Newman remind you of Al? (timer rings) We're bleached.
Let's go! Oh, that's good.
It stings.
Well, Ilene, I'm glad to hear that romance isn't dead.
I remember when my husband was romantic.
Everyday when Joe came home from the slaughterhouse, he'd bring me a heart-shaped hamburger patty Really? Tim is at his most romantic during the dollar-day sale at Sears.
All I gotta do is wear a negligee and hold up a tool catalog.
I can't imagine Al ever losing his flair for romance.
That's because you're still at the stage where he's serenading you with violins at dinner.
In six months, the only serenading you're gonna hear is his burping on the way to the bathroom.
Yeah, and once inside, there's a serenade you really don't wanna hear.
(static) The reception's terrible in here.
I can't tell whether Gilligan got 'em off the island or the Pistons are about to score.
Someone's driving the lane.
Go, go! It's Thurston Howell.
"Lovey, I just slammed the ball, Lovey.
Come here and give me a big smackeroonie, Lovey.
" Come on, Tim.
We're here to fish.
Don't tell me.
Tell the fish.
We've been here four hours without a bite.
You know, there's a lot more to fishing than just catching fish.
It's about being out in the wilderness, getting away from our women and our job, just men spending time together.
Al, we spend all day together.
Yeah, but we never get a chance to talk that often.
You wanna talk? Let's talk.
I'll turn the sound down.
You're not gonna turn it off? No, I can watch this and listen to you.
I do it with Jill all the time.
Well, you know, there's an awful lot going on in my life right now.
What? Aw Well, never mind.
Let's just fish.
All right, halftime.
Hey, why don't we just fish? Hold this.
What are you doing? I'm gonna speed up the process a little bit, make the hole bigger.
Tim, leave the floor alone.
The hole is fine.
It's a standard-size hole.
Standard-schmandard.
You increase the size of the hole, you double your chances of catching fish.
Perch are not that big.
Look, open the hole, we might get bigger fish.
I don't think you should do this, Tim.
Trust me, Al.
Oh, my God! Tim! Tim! Tim! Oh, Tim! Jeez! You know, though, once you get in there, it's kind of exhilarating.
There.
Are you warmer now? Thanks.
I can't believe you came up here without a change of clothes.
Well, I didn't intend on falling through the ice, Al.
Everybody knows that when you come on a trip like this, you have to plan for every possible contingency.
And with you, every contingency is possible.
Well, this contingency is your fault.
Fine.
Just lucky that I brought an extra set of clothes.
Oh, yeah.
Real lucky.
What is this? "One size fits Al"? Just here, give me the keys to the car.
I'll take this stuff and get the car warmed up.
Gladly.
You know, Tim, I was hoping that this trip we could relax and talk on a more personal level.
How much more personal can we get? I'm wearing your underwear.
What I meant was talk about our hopes, our fears You didn't lose the car keys, did you? I hope I didn't, but I fear I did.
Do you wanna go in? I've already been in.
Yeow! I thought you said waxing your legs didn't hurt that much.
Ow! Oh, it gets easier every time you do it.
(grunts) Marie, you're dipping the bread in the hot wax! This is the fondue.
That's all right.
I'll take it home to Joe.
He'll eat anything.
So, you're on a desert island.
You can be with one man for the rest of your life.
Who do you pick? Al.
You can't pick somebody you know.
This is a fantasy.
Come on, Ilene.
Live a little.
All right.
There is somebody I have always had a little thing for, one of the sexiest men of all time - Pierre Fouchard.
Ooh, that sounds hot.
Is he some kind of French actor or something? No.
He was the father of modern dentistry.
That would've been my second guess.
He has a beard just like Al's.
Ow! You like beards, huh? Mm-hm.
Me, I'm a tush girl.
Did you ever see the buns on Baryshnikov? Very nice buns.
But I like a man who makes me laugh.
I think that the perfect man is Harpo Marx.
No, he's hilarious and he never says a word.
Aah! Ow! Well, there's, uh, no sign of Wilson, but it's so dark out there, how could you tell? Tim, what are you doing? I'm using my know-how to double the heat out of this thing.
Would that be the same know-how you used to double the size of the hole? This'll be great.
Marv will love it.
I wish you wouldn't fiddle with these things.
Ah (Wilson) Hi-ho, stranded neighbors.
Come on in, Wilson.
Hey, Wilson.
Oh, thanks for driving up.
Mm-hm.
All right, Tim, here's your extra set of keys.
Thanks.
Here's an old pair of my shoes.
All right.
Where did you get these fish? Well, when I was looking for your shanty, I found some very nice people whose cooler was overflowing.
You know, they say the fishing's the best it's been up here in 12 years.
I do not understand why we have not caught any fish.
What is that rather pungent aroma? Oh, it's Tim's hand cleaner over there.
Tim, I think I can explain to you why you didn't catch anything.
You know, it's a well-known fact that fish are attracted to bait by the scent.
However, if the bait is overridden with a more powerful smell such as cologne or hand cleaner that smells like Sawdust? Then instead, the fish are repelled.
Nice going, Tim.
You said you liked the smell of that.
Well, I'm not a fish! Well, I think I'll just go pack the gear up in the car and, uh Oh, well, here.
We don't wanna forget your precious TV.
Maybe you'll get better reception on the way home.
Trouble on the ice, Tim? Yeah, the husky's misbehaving.
Well, that's too bad.
A trip like this ought to be a good opportunity for men to spend some time together, talk, share some laughs.
That's all he wanted to do was talk.
Oh, what did you talk about? I don't know.
I wasn't listening to him.
Well, it doesn't sound like you were being very receptive.
What kind of guy wants to be outdoors and listen to another man talk about what's bugging him? Like you and I do in the backyard? (grunts) You see, Tim, friendship is a symbiotic relationship.
Two people have to contribute equally.
Yeah, but it's different with you and me.
Well, why is it different? There's a fence.
Well, fence or no fence, I think Al just wanted you to listen.
Thanks again, Wilson, for coming all the way up.
We'll meet you at your car.
We'll all caravan home.
OK, yes, indeed.
Have you got everything? Almost.
You know, a little while ago you were talking about how your life's become real full.
What were you talking about? Tim, I don't wanna talk about it now.
Oh, come on.
Good friendships are Kumbayatic.
You wanna sing camp songs? I was just wondering how long you been dating Ilene now? It's gotta be five months, right? Well, actually, it's four months and 13 days.
Yeah, actually, you know Well, with you and Jill, how long was it before you realized she was the one? When she told me.
(Al) You turned off the heater, right? What do you think I am, an idiot? Hi.
Hi.
How was your trip? Good.
How was your hair-removal party? Well, you be the judge.
(grunts) You missed a little patch right here.
I did not.
So, all your fish are in here? Actually, I had Al keep 'em in his refrigerator.
You didn't catch any, did you? Not even when I fell in.
You fell in? Are you all right? Yeah, I'm fine.
Well, what happened? Tell me all about it.
I don't wanna talk about it.
I spent the last two-and-a-half hours driving with Al, talking with him about everything - boyhood memories, his relationship with Ilene, even why he wears flannel.
Why does he wear flannel? It's kind of a neat story, really.
When his dad had his workshop behind the house, it was very cold.
When Al was a little kid he came out and worked and his dad put these flannel shirts on him.
I think that's nice that you two shared so much.
Did you help him decide whether he should buy Marv's shanty? Yeah.
What did he decide? What did he decide? He, um Uh He figured that since it burned down, it wasn't a good time to buy it.
Did you burn down Marv's shanty? What is it with you? I walk through the door, you immediately accuse me of burning it down.
Why? Why? Why? Tim Right to the ground.
Right Ashes.
Oh, no.
I'm sure he's got an insurance policy that covers a shanty clause in there.
Tim, there is no such thing as Shanty Clause.
Well, it'll be all right.
Marv and I go way back.
He'll understand.
Oh, boy! This fondue'll put hair on your chest.
No, Tim.
This fondue will take the hair right off your chest.
What is this? "One size" (laughs)