Home Improvement s04e15 Episode Script

Everybody knows Super Bowl Sunday is the holiest day of the year.
Come on, Al.
Three steps back, go wide.
Come on, buddy.
Nice catch.
How many times do I have to tell you that is not funny? Couple more, maybe.
We all know that Super Bowl Sunday's not just about throwing a ball at Al's chest, although I love doing that.
It's also about stuffing your face in front of a TV.
That's right.
Here to tell us about that are three players from the Detroit Lions with their favorite Super Bowl recipes.
At linebacker, sporting a tuna noodle casserole, let's give a big hand for Chris Spielman.
Hey, Chris.
Al.
At quarterback, carrying a south-of-the-border seven-layer bean dip - Dave Krieg! Olé, Dave! And certainly last but not the smallest, defensive end, with a secret Super Bowl stew - Kelvin Pritchett.
Come on out.
And wearing a nice throw rug, I might add.
You guys, it's nice you took time out to bring some recipes in.
And maybe one of these years, you'll get the recipe for the Super Bowl.
What's that supposed to mean? I I don't know.
Al made me say it.
I I did not.
I did not.
OK.
Kelvin, can you give the audience just an example of some of the ingredients in your supersecret Super Bowl stew? The two main ingredients are oysters and Spam.
Mmm Well, I guess the secret is why anybody'd want to taste that combination.
Sorry, Pritch.
How many does that serve, Kelvin? One.
So, Chris, why don't you tell us some of the ingredients in your tuna casserole? Well, Tim, I only use the finest white-chunk albacore packed in fresh spring water.
Well, perhaps you complement it with maybe a special type of gourmet cheese? Uh, yes, I do.
The cheese in a spray can.
OK.
Dave, how spicy is that bean dip of yours, buddy? It's not too spicy at all.
(talks with mouth full) It's got a Uh, sorry, I lied.
Think of it as a quarterback sneak.
Well, joking aside, guys who's gonna come out on top this Sunday? No contest.
My stew by three helpings.
No way.
Your stew can't handle my tuna.
My beans'll blow you both out of the water.
(all talk at once) It's teamwork like this that guarantees the Lions'll never be in the Super Bowl.
We'll be right back after these words from Binford Tools.
Hey, Dad.
Brad.
Uh-oh.
A ladder, exposed wires and Dad.
No good can come from this.
I'm just hooking up my surround-sound speakers for my Super Bowl party.
We're gonna go to Jeremy's and watch it on his new Big deal.
You're missing some great food.
Larry's bringing a three-cheese pizza, Harry's bringing those big sausages, and Pete's bringing nachos with extra cream cheese.
Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh.
Who's bringing the cardiologist? Dad, Dad, you better come see Mom.
She doesn't look so good.
Well, then why would I want to go see her? Because she's moaning real loud and calling your name.
That's always been a dream of mine.
Honey? (muffled) Tim, I think I'm dying.
(mimics Jill) Jill, I can't understand - (gibberish) Oh, my God, it's 103.
Ooh.
Just threw up last night's lasagna.
Boy, it tastes bad coming up.
Didn't taste all that good going down.
Thanks a lot.
Honey, I know how important this Super Bowl party thing is to you, but I'm really gonna need you to take care of me today.
OK.
Um just use the intercom.
Call me, and I'll come up during commercials.
Let me rephrase that.
I don't want you to have the party today.
I've been planning this for a long time.
It's a tradition.
Never had one before.
Well, traditions start someplace.
Tim, I have a temperature of 103.
According to a thermometer.
Look, I'm burning up, I feel horrible, I don't want a bunch of guys over here making noise.
Look, I'll take care of you.
Um You're not gonna take care of me.
.
You're gonna be down there the whole time.
I'll never even see you.
I'll show you.
I'll keep those guys so quiet, you won't know they're here.
Please, please, please? Oh, have your stupid party.
Thanks.
Whew you are hot.
(doorbell rings) (blows horn) Tim, it's gonna be a great game.
Those Niners are gonna kick butt! Hello, Tim.
Hi, Tim.
Hello, Tim.
We gotta keep it down, guys.
Good idea.
Save our tooting for the game.
Maybe we keep our tooting to ourselves.
What are you talking about? Well, maybe when there's a big play, we all act like mimes.
What? You know, I love mimes, especially when they get caught in that box.
Al, stay in the box, will you? (Jill) Tim? I think I'm gonna throw up.
Is Jill sick? No.
She just doesn't like mimes.
You're having us over for a party when Jill's sick? Is she OK with that? That's not very considerate.
Yeah.
How are we supposed to have a good time if we can't make any noise? We could all have gone over to Harry's.
No, we couldn't.
She wouldn't let me go.
So because of you, we all have to mime our way through the Super Bowl? It's not that bad a deal.
Come on.
We got lots of good food, we're all together.
It's gonna be a great game.
We're gonna have a lot of fun.
Yeah, but what about the surround sound you promised us? You want real surround sound? Sit between these two guys after a couple of sausages.
Whoo.
(horns blow) (Super Bowl plays on TV/ all yell) Yeah! All right! (cheering) (Jill) Tim! Hey, Tim, it's getting really noisy down there.
Yeah, yeah.
All right, yeah.
Guys, I told you, you got to keep it down.
Please? Well, Tim, he just broke three tackles.
We're very excited.
OK! When you get excited now, do this.
(silent cheer) I feel very uncomfortable about having a party while Jill's upstairs with the stomach flu.
Yeah, I'm sick about it myself.
Toss me another sausage, will you? With your heart condition, wouldn't you rather have some of my raw vegetable medley? It's very good with this nonfat dip.
Come on.
Yeah, that's all I want - a little dip from a big dip.
Come on.
Larry, would you talk some sense into him? You're a doctor.
I'm a neurosurgeon.
As long as he doesn't put the sausage on his head, I don't care.
( "Lara's Theme" from "Doctor Zhivago" plays on TV) What are you watching? Oh, it's Doctor Winnebago, isn't it? It's "Zhivago.
" Look what I made for you.
Jell-O with extra wobble.
I'm too woozy for wobbling.
You just womited, didn't you? This'll help settle your stomach.
Honey, I can't.
I can't eat.
You gotta eat something.
I get credit for trying.
If you need anything else, holler.
Would you give me a backrub? A what rub? I always have time to give my wife a backrub.
Hold on a minute.
Yo, anybody? (Pete) Yo, Tim.
Yeah, how much time I got? I figure ten seconds.
Got ya.
You said even though you were having those guys over, you'd still take care of me.
I am taking care of you.
Oh, that's good.
You have such great hands.
(Larry) Oh, no! (Benny) He coughed it up! Tim! Where are you going? Somebody coughed something up downstairs.
Tim! Tim It could be Harry.
He might be having another heart attack.
(Al) All right! Hey! He recovered.
It's OK.
Thank God, Harry's all right.
Talk to you later.
Get him, get him! Yeah, yeah, yeah! (cheering) Every time.
What did I miss? Oh, a fumble.
But then only the catch of the year, Tim! Aw, man.
They're on the 20-yard line and driving.
Hey, hey, Tim, come on.
Can we put on the surround sound? No, no.
I talked to you about my wife.
Come on, guys.
(Jill) Tim? Tim, can you bring me some more tissues? Why can't she blow her nose on the top sheet like everybody else does? He's going all the way! Get it! Get it! Oh! Hey, Benny, turn on the surround sound just for the touchdown.
Not too loud.
Is this the one? Hey, Benny! Let me guess.
You hooked it up yourself? Where's it on TV? Tim, we need a TV.
(Tim) Yeah There's gotta be one upstairs.
Let's go! Wait, wait, wait.
I can fix this.
Right! Jill, sorry to inconvenience you.
We're at a critical juncture in the game.
Could we just use your remote? Come on, you guys, listen.
Jill, we're - Would you - Wait a minute.
This is where Omar Sharif proposes.
Give me that.
Change the channel.
Come on, my wife - Turn it off.
They're about to score.
Tim? May I please speak to you under here? Guys, after this, we're getting out of here.
Hi, honey.
Why are these men in my bedroom? They don't wanna miss a touchdown.
Why don't they watch it downstairs? Now, that's a funny story I don't want to hear a funny story.
You told me that if they came over here, I wouldn't have to see them.
Can you see them? Touchdown! I missed the touch - I missed everything.
After the replay, we're getting out of here, Jill.
Hey, Jill, would you like some hot sausage? It'll sweat the fever right out of you.
Jill, stay there.
We're gonna get everybody out of here.
Honey? Honey? Honey? (whistle blows) Why didn't you just cancel this party? Why couldn't you just take care of me? Why do you always do things like this? You ask interesting questions, honey.
What are your theories? That you are an idiot.
And I am a bigger idiot for letting you talk me into this stuff.
Those guys only went upstairs because our TV exploded.
What are the chances of that happening? In this house? I had everything under control.
You are just so selfish! You only take care of me when it doesn't interfere with your schedule.
Oh, God! That's not true.
Yes, it is true.
Well, how about when you went to that hardware convention and I had laryngitis? You never said anything.
Well, what about when I had my wisdom teeth out? I took care of you 100%.
You did not! Brad emptied my spit bucket.
Randy changed the gauze.
Mark mashed my food.
What exactly did you do? Someone had to get the TV Guide.
You're so pathetic! You know, you take better care of your car than you do of me.
Taking care of the car is like taking care of you.
What if you were so sick I? I am sick! And you know what? I think that you resent me for that.
You do.
I don't resent you for that.
I just wonder why you get sick on Super Bowl Sunday.
Go, go, go! Get him! Get him! All right, let's go.
We told Jill we'd leave after the first touchdown.
We can't go now.
It's just getting exciting.
No, you gotta go now.
Come on.
Jill's gotta get back in bed here, guys.
All right, she can have the bed, but we get the TV.
This is not a hostage situation.
Come on, guys.
I know.
We'll take the TV and set it up downstairs.
No, you won't.
Come on.
She wants to watch the rest of Doctor Lumbago.
Zhivago.
Doctor Zhivago.
I got another TV.
We'll watch this thing down in the den.
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
Are you nuts? You don't expect us to watch the biggest game of the year on the world's smallest TV, do ya? I'll have you know the reception on here is great.
Look at this.
Huh? Huh? Look at the pass.
Look at that.
Unbelievable.
He must have thrown the ball a quarter of an inch.
That's the end of the half.
What do you say we go over to Big Mike's, watch the rest over there? Yeah, that's a great idea.
You can't go over there.
Hey Pete, Larry, Harry, you're not gonna leave me here alone, are you? Listen, I'll stay.
Nah, go ahead.
Go! Go! Go! Touchdown! Who needs a big-screen TV, huh? Three-fifty.
I got I just need some batteries.
Oh, come on, not now! Come on, please, please, please.
Yo, Wilson.
You got any batteries? Yo! Why, I certainly do, Tim.
I got Cs, Ds.
I got nine-volts.
I have one made out of a potato.
Regular or alkaline? Idaho.
I need some AAs, four of 'em.
Tim, I'm so sorry.
I'm all out of those.
Oh, great! Perfect day.
All I wanted to do today was do what every other guy's doing on this Sunday - watch the Super Bowl.
Oh, is that today? Yeah, it's today.
Jill's all bent out of shape.
Kicked my friends out.
I had some guys over, she didn't like it 'cause she got flu.
Mm.
I've got a touch of that myself, Tim.
That's why I'm boiling up some bees.
Yeah.
Boy, I'd swear I just heard you say "boiling up some bees.
" (chuckles) Well, you know, I did.
See, you steep the bees for 45 minutes in boiling water, then you drink the liquid.
It's an ancient Chinese remedy for nausea.
Sounds like an ancient Chinese cause of nausea.
No, no, no, no, no, Tim.
It makes a very delightful bee tea.
The best part is, you don't have to add honey.
(chuckles) Maybe I should whip some up for Jill.
She doesn't think I take care of her very well.
Well, Tim, it's not uncommon for men to have difficulty being nurturers.
Yeah, tell me about it.
When I was seven years old, a little sparrow fell out of a tree in our backyard.
I tried to make it feel better.
I stroked its little head for four hours, you know.
Oh.
What happened? I think I pet it too hard.
One of the eyes popped right out.
But I buried it in a nice shoebox.
At least you made the effort, Tim.
Do you have any extra bees? I surely do.
See, I always buy them in bulk.
I'll pay you for any I use.
Don't worry about that, Tim.
Just consider these "free bees.
" (buzzing) Feeling better? No.
You're gonna feel better when you see what I got you.
What did you get me? Going along with your doctor theme, I got Dr.
No.
Let's see, uh, Doctor Dolittle.
Dr.
Jekyll and Mr.
Hyde.
Doctor Naughty and the Night Nurses.
Oops! But I also spent an hour making this special tea.
It's supposed to cure nausea.
I think you'll love it.
It's real hot.
Be careful.
Does it have caffeine in it? No.
Good, 'cause I don't want to get a buzz.
You might get a buzz.
You might even get hives.
That tea's made out of boiled bees.
Oh, come on.
It's an ancient Chinese remedy for nausea.
Wilson gave it to me.
It's not easy working with bees, let me tell you.
Look at that.
Some of those bees were still alive.
Oh, Tim.
Is this your idea of taking care of me? It's better than rubbing your head for four hours and ending up dead in a shoebox.
Tim All I want is for you to be attentive and comfort me.
Why is that so hard for you? I don't know.
I feel so useless when you're sick.
When something's broken, I like to take it apart and fix it.
But I can't do that with you.
Probably put me back together wrong.
Maybe.
Probably end up with an eye down there by your knee.
A nose in your eye.
Then you could smell what you're looking at.
I can work on being more attentive.
How's that back? It's aching.
You got a lot of knots back there.
Yeah.
That feels good.
(phone rings) Oh, boy.
Hello? I can barely hear you.
Hi, Benny.
They won? I didn't even see it.
That's great.
Yeah? Big Mike's Super Bowl party, huh? Best one you ever been to, huh? No, I'm staying here.
I'm nurturing my wife.
I'm real happy.
Thanks.
Bye.
Thank you, honey.
Yeah.
Best party ever.
I'm real happy.
Honey, that's too hard.
Hey, Mom.
Hi.
Uh-oh.
Food, a pot and Mom.
No good can come from this.
In that case, you can get your own breakfast.
All right.
Cookies and ice cream.
In your dreams.
Mom, Mom! Better come see Dad.
He doesn't look so good.
Then why would I want to see him? (muffled) Jill, I think I'm dying.
(mimics Tim) Tim, I can't understand a word you said.
Oh, my God! 99.
1? We're gonna have to ice you down! I like fixing things, taking things apart.
I can't do that with you and fix you and All I want is for you to be attentive (audience giggling) Shut up! I'm trying to work here! Tim, all I want is for you to be attentive and comfort me.
Why is that so?