Home Improvement s04e14 Episode Script

Brother, Can You Spare A Hot Rod?

We all know a Detroit winter can wreak havoc on your roof.
Accumulated snow and ice can melt, then refreeze in your overhang, blocking up your gutters.
When Al's gutters are blocked, he gets really cranky.
His face gets all bloated, big red blotches.
"I don't feel so good.
" Tim Blocked roof gutters can form an ice dam, causing the water to back up under the shingles and leak into the house.
All right.
You can melt the ice and prevent it from refreezing using Binford's new heating coils.
Now, they're very simple to install.
Marv will come in and take a look at this.
Little clips are fastened underneath the cable and there underneath your shingles, just like so.
Now, once they are properly in place, they are guaranteed to work every "shingle" time.
And now you know why Al's a "shingle" man, jokes like that.
Now, in order to demonstrate how these cables melt the snow, we'd have to spend hours installing the coils.
We'd also have to make it snow in the building.
And that hasn't happened since Tim blew a hole in the roof.
As fun as that was, I went a different route this morning.
I went over to Al's mom's house, chopped off a piece of her home, put snow on it and attached the coils in a zigzag pattern.
This is not a piece of my mother's house.
She lives in a perfectly wonderful mobile home.
You've probably seen it on the freeways.
Big sign on the back - "wide load, look out.
" Now, the cables are controlled by a thermostat.
They turn on when the weather gets cold and they turn off as the temperature rises.
We've already set the thermostat.
Let's show the audience how it works.
(sizzles) How much voltage did you put in this? I believe it's only regulated to 120.
Right, but it would take so I juiced it up a little bit, 'cause we got a show to do here, Al.
And look at that.
No more blocked gutters.
(male narrator) After the praying mantis mates, the female of the species devours the male.
I guess that rules out a second date.
Randy, do you realize that every pair of jeans you own have holes in them? You're dead.
She's gonna take you shopping.
So, anyway, we're gonna have to go shopping this weekend.
Mom, shopping with you is really embarrassing.
It is not.
Well, you drag me into the stupidest stores, you make me try on dorky clothes, then you follow me into the dressing room.
Well, it's not like I'm the only mother that does that.
And if all the mothers jumped into Lake Michigan, would you do it, too? You are going jeans shopping, whether you like it or not.
Hi, guys.
Come on, Mom, pants are the worst.
I mean, as soon as I try 'em on, you stick your hands in.
I have to see if they fit.
You know, you have to do that little jiggle thing.
Oh, the pant-jiggle thing.
Very embarrassing.
She does it to me all the time.
Thought you said you liked it.
I do.
You wanna jiggle me later? Sure.
Hey, Mom, why can't Dad take me shopping? Yeah.
Oh, there's an idea.
Send you to the mall with the man whose fundamental approach to shopping is speed.
My goal is to spend $0-60 in under 4 seconds.
And you don't check any labels, you don't compare prices, you don't try anything on.
That's why they have sizes, honey.
I'm a 32 waist, I buy 32 pants.
Hey, guys.
I think I found some news bigger than my pants.
Looks like my hot rod's gonna be in its first hot rod show.
Really? That's great.
Yeah, somebody dropped out of the custom car show at COBO.
And look where I am.
Right between the beer stand and the bathrooms.
Every guy in the place is gonna be walking by me.
Did you say between the beer stand and bathroom? Yeah.
Beer stand, bathroom.
Well, I guess you'll get that flush-hour traffic.
Yesterday we talked about cold, today we're talking about hot.
Hot dogs, hot cars, hot rods.
Hot dates.
Something Al knows very little about.
We're talking about hot rods today.
That's right.
And our special guest is one of the sponsors of the custom car show at COBO Hall, a big car collector and one of Detroit's own - Mr.
Doug O'Brien! Hey, Doug.
Welcome to the show.
Take a seat.
All right.
Now, I, for one, am pretty gosh-darn excited about the custom car show.
I understand there are cars from all over the US and Canada.
That's right.
And also from Italy.
We've got a couple from as far away as New Zealand.
Many of them, I might add, brought to you by my company, Papa Mia's Pizza.
You're Papa Mia? I am.
I love your pizza.
As a big car collector, you've seen a lot of cars.
What gives you a big thrill at a show like this? I'm an old-fashioned guy, Tim, and no matter how many hot rods I own, I really get a thrill out of seeing a beautifully crafted restoration.
I bet it's the same kind of thrill I get every time I eat one of your pizzas.
Al, put a sausage in it, will you? I know you're a car guy, and everybody else is gonna love this.
Uh, Marv, wanna follow us outside? I got something to show you, something you'll see next week at the car show.
How are you, guys? How's your sister doing? All right? When did you go to the thin crust? The guy outta jail yet? Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to present three years of hard work - Tim Taylor's Blue Goose, my hot rod.
Beautiful '33.
Chopped windshield frame, great-looking short block.
It is a 350 Chevy.
As a matter of fact, Al helped me put this in.
That's right, I did.
I still remember the night.
We ordered your deep-dish Super Papa with eggplant and Canadian bacon.
How'd you find the time to do all this? You must have a pretty understanding wife.
Well, she's certainly pretty.
I started with a bare frame and I built it up from there.
You notice I got special color-coded, powder-coated Holley Double Pumpers.
Oh, every car guy takes pleasure in adding his own special touches.
Oh, boy.
You know what I take pleasure in? Your Hawaiian pizza.
And when you add the extra pineapple, it's to die for.
Why don't we just order Al a big one right now? (Tim) Evening, Wilson.
Hi-de-ho, neighbor.
What are you up to? I'm using paraffin to make candles in the snow.
Speaking of a "pair of fins," my car was supposed to be sitting next to a beautiful '59 Cadillac at the car show, but that's changed a little.
So what happened? Did you lose your spot between the beer and the bathroom? I met this guy named Papa Mia Whoa, Papa Mia the pizza magnate? Boy, my favorite is his large cilantro with feta cheese.
That's great.
I like it with extra snails.
They put snails on a pizza? No, no, Tim.
I put those snails on myself.
Anyway, Papa Mia is this car collector.
He offered me a chunk of change for my hot rod, so I sold it.
You sold the hot rod? I'm taken aback.
I can't take it aback now.
I already gave it to him.
No, no, no.
I'm surprised.
You put a lot of work into that hot rod.
Well, yeah, I did.
But the work was kinda what I liked, you know? I was thinking about it today - all the fun I had with it.
I got pictures here.
Look at this.
That's when I first had the chassis.
Oh, that is a very photogenic chassis.
Isn't it? And look, that's when I put the small block in there.
Rebuilt everything, painted it.
That's out of the paint shop.
And that's where I bronzed his first set of brake shoes.
You know, it's so funny, Tim.
Most guys would have pictures of their family in their wallet.
Yeah, it is funny, isn't it, really? They're back here.
Oh, there they are.
Sitting in the hot rod.
You are not getting out of it, Randy.
You're going pants shopping in the morning.
No way, Mom.
I'm going with Dad to the hot rod show tomorrow.
Oh, I forgot about the hot rod show and how much you were looking forward to it.
Too bad.
You're going shopping with me.
Hi! Guess what happened today on Tool Time.
Lemme guess.
The firemen let you put out your own fire.
Yeah, they did.
But before that we had a special guest on the show - Papa Mia the pizza guy.
Oh, yeah, Papa Mia Pizza.
"If we're not there in 30 minutes" (both) "you shoulda given us better directions.
" Anyway, Papa Mia loved my hot rod so much, he made me quite a nice offer.
Well you didn't take it, did you? Oh, don't be silly.
Your father put his heart and soul into that car.
You can't put a price on your soul.
Yeah, you can.
You didn't sell the hot rod? Yeah.
You sold the hot rod? Dad, how could you have done that? You said when I got my license, I could drive it.
Yeah, me, too.
I can't believe this.
When you see the zeroes in this check, you'll believe it.
I don't care about the money.
I just don't understand how you could sell something you love just like that.
I thought we'd have to bury you in it.
Come on, guys.
What's up here? Tim, where do you draw the line? I mean, for enough money, are you gonna sell your tools? Me? The kids? I'm not selling my tools.
Dad, I can't believe you actually did this.
If you were gonna sell it, you could've at least told me.
I helped you build that.
I know.
I wasn't planning on selling it.
I thought you and I were gonna go cruising in it and showing off for people.
Next time you need help, don't bother asking me.
Come on, Brad.
Brad? I didn't think he'd take it like this.
Well, how would you feel if you put three years into something with your father and he went and he sold it right out from under you? Should I go try to get it back? I think that you should do what you think is right.
Oh, I hate it when you say that.
Hello, Information.
I'd like the number for Papa Mia's Pizza.
No, no.
Not the delivery, their corporate offices.
Uh-huh? Yes, I understand.
Mushroom and artichoke? Yeah, it's good, isn't it? Yeah? Oh, it's to die for, right? Yeah, that's great.
Well, I don't really have - Uh-huh.
I know, the breadsticks Ooh, boy.
You know what I'm gonna do? I'm just gonna go let my fingers do the walking.
You go - Uh-huh.
I've never had that salad with that combination.
Thank you.
Oh, these are darling.
Mom, "darling" will get my butt kicked at school.
Don't put 'em down till you've tried them on.
Do you think we have enough? We have enough pants, but now we have to get shirts to go with them.
Shirts? You never said anything about shirts.
Well, honey, if you don't get shirts to go with the pants, then you don't have an outfit.
Mom, guys do not wear outfits.
I mean, why don't you just put me in a dress? You know, I think you should try this bigger size.
It might give you more room in the seat.
Randy? Oh, sorry.
Randy? Mom! Oh, please.
Like I haven't seen it before.
Come on out here.
I want to look at these.
Well, length looks OK.
How's the crotch? Could you say "crotch" a little louder? I don't think everybody heard you.
Would you haul this up around so I can see the waist? Let me see how it fits.
Do you have to jiggle? I mean What if someone I know sees me? Oh, please, nobody is looking at you.
Hi, Randy.
Hi, Beth.
Hi, Mrs.
So, Beth, what are you doing here? Shopping for clothes.
Shopping for clothes.
Good thing to do in a clothing store.
So how did you do on that biology test today? I missed an easy one on vertebrae.
You know? That is such a funny word - "vertebrae.
" But then again, so is "protoplasm.
" Oh, boy.
So do you shop in this store a lot? Well, yeah But not with my mom.
I mean, we just happened to be in here.
I was looking for pants and Yeah, I was over at the Cheese Chalet buying a Gouda log.
I never shop for Randy anymore.
He's obviously old enough to buy his own stuff.
What do you think about this for me? Ma'am? Is this the kind of underwear you wanted for your little boy? Oh, please.
It was not that embarrassing.
Yes, it was, Mom.
Now tomorrow everyone at school's gonna come up to me and try and jiggle my pants.
Honey, it is not the end of the world.
Everybody has something embarrassing happen to them sometime.
When I was your age, I was in the school lunchroom with a whole bunch of boys and somebody told a stupid joke, and I laughed so hard that chocolate milk came right out of my nose.
Thought I was going to die.
Then did your mom run in and show everybody your bra? Well, no.
Try me again when you have a story that involves underwear.
Hey, Randy, how was shopping? What did you get? Humiliated.
What happened? Oh, he thinks I embarrassed him at the mall.
What did you do this time, give him a bath in the fountain? No, Tim.
How'd it go with Papa Mia? Not real well.
Talked to him on the phone.
There's no way he's going to sell the hot rod back.
He did give me a coupon for a medium pizza.
What are you gonna do? Probably go with the diced peaches and clam sauce.
I mean about the car.
I'll go down to Papa Mia's and talk to him man-to-man.
Maybe take you and Brad with me.
Why Brad? If he sees how upset he is, maybe we'll get the car back.
What if Papa Mia doesn't care? Maybe we could talk to his wife.
Mama Mia? Right this way.
Well, here's Mr.
O'Brien's collection.
Oh, Dad, check out Don't touch anything! Hey, Brad, check this out.
A Bentley.
So, what do you think? I think I've died and gone to heaven.
If this were heaven, I wouldn't be making $4.
35 an hour.
I'll go tell Mr.
O'Brien you're here.
(Tim) Thank you.
So, um, do you think maybe I could look around? Well, sure.
Help yourself.
Dad, these cars are awesome.
Don't touch it! Ooh, Jill, look at this.
It's a '29 or '30 Duesenberg.
Isn't this pretty? Dad, check it out.
A '32 Packard.
(sighs) You guys are starting to drool.
Can you people read the sign? No eating drinking or drooling! Keep moving.
All right.
Hey, Brad.
Remember, every time O'Brien looks at you, work on that pathetic face, OK? Oh, come on, you can do better than that.
You know the one that you make when I tell you we have to go to Aunt Lucille's for the day? Not you, Tim.
That's good, that's good.
Now, remember, squeezing out some tears - that could help.
Another Duesenberg.
Ohh This is a limo, too.
This is worth over a million bucks.
A million dollars? What kind of fool would pay a million dollars for a car? This kind of fool.
Oh, you think I said "fool"? I said "fuel.
" They must use a lot of fuel.
Doug O'Brien, I'd like you to meet my wife Jill Taylor.
And this is my son Sad I mean, Brad.
What's wrong with him? He's a little sad about the car.
I'm sorry, son, but like I told your father on the phone, I can't sell him back his car.
O'Brien, you gotta hear him out.
There's nothing to talk about.
A deal's a deal.
O'Brien, I sold this car before I really had a chance to think about it.
Do you always make decisions without thinking? Constantly! He is the most impulsive person that you will ever meet.
And I mean that in a bad way.
It took me three years to build this hot rod, and it means an awful lot to me.
Look, this car means a lot to me, too.
When I was a kid, my daddy had a '33 Ford roadster.
He loved that car.
And even though he didn't have any money, when he rode around in that car, he felt like a million bucks.
When I wanted to start my own business, I didn't have a nickel.
Daddy sold his car so I could buy my first pizza oven.
And now you're Papa Mia, the pizza guy.
When I was on Tool Time, Daddy saw the car and it reminded him of the one he gave up for me.
Next month is Daddy's and I can't think of a thing in the world that would make that wonderful old man any happier than this car.
Buy him a pizza oven.
Tim, there's no way we're gonna get the hot rod back.
You want Daddy to be unhappy on his 75th birthday? I don't even know Daddy.
Hey, Dad, check this one out.
What is it? It's a '46 Ford convertible.
Excuse me.
Don't touch it! (grunts) I think it's a '48, son.
No, no, no, no! It's got the marker lights there.
Yeah, you're right - it's a '46.
Boy, what a mess.
Yeah, it's a piece of junk.
Needs a lot of work.
Yeah, but isn't it great? We could chop and channel this thing.
Shave the bumpers.
Wait a minute.
Put a big block in and retro the interior.
You know how much fun this thing would be to work on? You know what I like? What excites you about cars is all the work that goes into them.
Hey, O'Brien, is this thing for sale? I'll tell you what.
One car guy to another, I'll make you a great deal on this car.
Let's do it.
All right! Awesome.
This is great.
Hear that? We have a new car to rebuild.
Oh, no.
It's gonna be fun.
The whole You know something? Of all the cars here, that would've been my choice.
Smart move.
(Brad) This'll be fun.
We need to get some better interiors.
Whoa! (male narrator) That concludes our look at the sexual reproduction habits of the buffalo.
Next week, we'll take a look at sex and the humpback whale.
What is this, the Mating Channel? Can't you guys find something else to watch? Fine.
We'll just have to learn about the humpback on the streets.
Randy, I got you something else from the clothing store.
No way.
I'm not trying on any more clothes for the rest of my life.
I think you'll like this.
It's a gift certificate.
Next time you need pants, you can just go to the store and get whatever you want.
You won't be at the store with me? If you like, I won't be in the same country.
Hey, sounds good to us.
Thank you, Mark.
Come on, you guys.
Wanna see the new hot rod? Yeah! What took you so long? It's only, like, a 20-minute drive.
Yeah, but when the engine dies, it takes a little longer.
Especially when I have to do all the pushing.
Hey, it's all part of being a car guy, buddy.
(laughs) Well, guys.
Take a look at your new kid sister.
She looks old enough to be our grandmother.
A Detroit winter can wreak hafoc on your rook.
This is Tim Taylor from the Home Improvement show here at Disney.
We'd like to order one of those pizzas of yours.
I'll go with the sea squid and the pollum sperm.
Pollum sperm? I talked to him on the phone.
There's no way we're getting the hot rod back.
He did offer me a coupon for a medium pizza, though.
Well, what are you gonna do? Order one with peach-peaches and
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