Home Improvement s04e13 Episode Script

The Route Of All Evil

Does everybody know what time it is? Tool Time! That's right.
Now, here he is, the star of the show, Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor.
Thank you.
Thank you, Heidi.
Thank you, everyone.
Welcome to security week here on Tool Time.
You all know me.
I'm Tim "The Secure Man" Taylor, and my assistant, Al "I Want My Blankie" Borland.
I'd respond to that, but I don't need to because I'm very secure with who I am.
Well, you shouldn't be.
Now, folks, Tool Time isn't just about home improvement - it's also about protecting that home you have improved.
Right, and a good place to start is with the proper locks.
Now, there are all types of locks - chain locks, guarder locks, deadbolt locks My favorite bagel and lox.
Yeah! I go with Nova Scotia lox.
Al likes belly lox.
But remember, a little lox goes a long way.
We also have a home security system.
Yeah, yeah.
Burglar systems are fine, but when do we get to the high-energy surveillance equipment? Heidi, the high-energy surveillance equipment, please.
Here you are, Tim.
Look at this stuff.
Small surveillance cameras, infrared scopes, pocket bug-detectors.
Tim, we're talking home security, not cracking an international spy ring.
Yeah, Al, but with this stuff, you got the option.
Now, a must on the shopping list for every do-it-yourself spy is the bionic ear.
With this, you can pick up conversations a long way away.
(man)Maurice, qu'est-ce que tu as pensé de "Tool Time"? (Maurice) C'était très amusant, mais l'assistant, Al Borland, était un grand "bozo.
" And you're expecting me to believe that they watch Tool Time in France? Well, not anymore.
You heard what Maurice said about you.
Now it's time for the night-vision goggles.
Night-vision goggles? With these bad boys, you can walk around in pitch black, pick out a burglar.
And you'll never whiz wide of the bowl again.
What these things do is great, is amplify existing light, like, 2,000 times, just by flicking this switch.
Oh! It's like looking into the surface of the sun, isn't it? I'm over here, Al.
Over here.
Actually, these are These are designed for using when it's totally dark.
Heidi, make it totally dark, please.
I'll just switch mine on.
There! Wow! (Al) Oh, well, now mine aren't working.
(Tim) I'll just adjust them.
Let me grab a screwdriver out of your tool belt here.
(Al) Tim.
That's not my screwdriver.
Well, Jill, I gotta hand it to you.
How do you find time to cook with your finals coming up? Well, I did find this book - Five-Minute Meals for the Busy Woman.
You should try the spaghetti sauce.
Tell me what you think of it.
All right.
Maybe if you throw the book in the pot, it might give it some flavor.
Oh, well.
Tim and the boys are just gonna have to put up with it until all my finals are over with.
Hi, guys.
Oh, hi.
Anyway, I just don't have time to cook the way I usually do.
Now, there's some good news.
Wait till he sees the new book I got.
Five-Minute Lovemaking.
What are we gonna do with the other three minutes? Hey, guys, guess what.
Barry Hudson quit his newspaper route.
Hi, Marie.
Now we won't need the ladder to get the paper off the roof.
I don't mind climbing up on the roof every day to get our paper.
That way I don't have to spring for a StairMaster.
I'll see you guys later.
Oh, bye.
Well, Barry talked to the newspaper, and they said if I want the job I can take it.
There's nothing like a challenge to help someone mature.
Maybe we ought to get your father a paper route.
I had a paper route.
It's the kind of job that turns a boy into a man.
So I can take it? Absolutely.
Not so fast.
Not so fast.
Why not so fast? Well, Brad, you have a lot more schoolwork this year.
You've got band, basketball, a girlfriend.
Don't you think you're taking on too much? I know it's a lot, but, Mom, I can handle it.
What does it pay? You're gonna have to be getting up at the crack of dawn when it's, like, seven below outside.
I can do it.
That's right.
It's good to push him a little bit.
Besides, getting up at 5:00 will put hair on your chest, which is why you don't see too many newspaper girls.
And, Mom, I promise I won't fall behind on anything.
I'll clean my room, and I'll even practice my saxophone two hours a night.
You don't do that now.
We've talked about giving the boys more responsibility.
I think this falls in that category.
Well, OK.
I have my doubts, but if that's the way you see it, Tim, all right.
All right.
Now, the minute that your schoolwork starts to suffer, the job is over.
It's a deal.
That's right.
Well, I think I see a chest hair sprouting.
Navel lint.
Hey, Jill.
I know you're under the gun with your finals, so I made you some lasagna.
You cooked for me? That is so sweet.
I figured if I didn't, you might have a five-minute marriage.
I don't know how to thank you.
Oh, don't worry about it.
When you become a psychologist, you can give me a discount on therapy.
For you, three neuroses for the price of one.
Then I just have to figure out what to do with my other 27 neuroses.
I want to try it.
Here you go.
Let me see.
Oh, it's so good.
Oh, thanks.
Hey, you know, Brad is doing really great with his job.
You know, I had my doubts, but it's going really well.
You're not kidding.
His throw is so accurate.
All I have to do is open the door and the paper hits Joe right in the head.
Come to think of it, it saves me the trouble.
Hello, Marie.
Hi, honey.
(Marie) Hey, Tim.
(sniffs, whistles) (Jill) Hi.
Something smells great.
Did you order out again? No.
Marie knew how busy I was, and look, she cooked us dinner.
Ah, looks like lasagna.
Smells like lasagna.
Hm Important here her lasagna tastes like lasagna.
( "Get a Job" by Silhouettes) Dip, dip, dip, dip, dip, dip, get a job Get a job Sha-na-na-na, sha-na-na-na-na Get a job Sha-na-na-na, sha-na-na-na-na Get a job Sha-na-na-na, sha-na-na-na-na Dip, dip, dip, dip, dip, dip, dip, dip Get a job Sha-na-na-na, sha-na-na-na-na Every morning about this time She gets me out of my bed a-crying get a job (alarm) After breakfast every day she throws the want ads in my way And never fails to say Get a job Sha-na-na-na, sha-na-na-na-na Get a job Sha-na-na-na, sha-na-na-na-na Dip-de-do-op, dip-de-do-op Dip-de-do-op, dip-de-do-op Dip-de-do-op, dip-de-do-op If there is any work for me I go back to that house, hear that woman's mouth Preaching and a-crying Telling me that I'm lying 'bout a job That I never could find Sha-na-na-na, sha-na-na-na-na Ba-dooh Sha-na-na-na, sha-na-na-na-na Get a job Sha-na-na-na, sha-na-na-na-na Get a job Sha-na-na-na, sha-na-na-na-na Hey, Brad.
Huh? You wanna play football? Oh, no.
I can't.
I'm way behind.
I've got this paper on the Franco-Prussian War due tomorrow.
Well, what do you have so far? "The Franco-Prussian War was" That's it? Yeah, and I copied that out of the encyclopedia.
Well, you know, if you make the margins wider, it might make it seem longer.
I'm gonna have to stay up all night to finish this.
This job's gonna kill me.
If it does, can I have my room back? If this job's so tough, I mean, why don't you just quit? I can't.
I already told Mom and Dad that I can handle it.
I gotta show them that I'm up to the challenge like a real man.
Well, if you keep on handing in papers like this, you're gonna be the only real man still stuck in the eighth grade.
How did I get myself into this? I'm behind in everything.
I don't know.
Maybe I should just tell them the truth.
I think you're gonna have to even though it does go against everything I believe in.
Hey, guys.
Bye, Dad.
So how's my junior breadwinner doing? I'm tired, every bone in my body aches, and I can't see straight.
Yeah, welcome to the working world, huh? I'm real proud of you.
That's why I did this.
You framed my first paycheck? No.
I Perma Plaqued it.
That baby will be in there forever.
How am I supposed to cash it? You make an interesting point.
I'll just give you the cash.
Dad, about the job Aw, you'll love the job.
Your mom didn't think you could handle it, but we proved her wrong.
I need to talk to you about that.
I'm not so sure I can handle it.
What are you talking about? Sure you can.
Dad, it's really tough.
I'm thinking that maybe I should just quit.
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
I don't want to hear, "I quit.
" Taylor men don't quit.
I never quit a job in my life.
I know, but I'm I You took on a responsibility, I stood up for you.
You've gotta follow this thing through.
You really do.
But, Dad, I've got so much going on right now.
Oh, come on.
Every job's tough to start out with.
You'll pull through.
Come on, buddy.
I can't keep up with everything.
Yes, you can.
You're doing your studies.
Look at this.
Um Look.
"The Franco-Prussian War was" That's already more than I know, right there.
Hey, but Russia's not spelled with a P, my friend.
That says "Prussian.
" Hey, Brad, Mom and Dad want you to come down for dinner.
Tell them I'm not hungry.
I'm trying to finish this paper and do my math homework at the same time.
"The Franco-Prussian War was fought in the year 1870 minus the square root of 113.
" Oh, man.
How could I have done that? I'm never gonna get this paper in.
My teacher only gave me an extension till tomorrow.
I'm dead.
Well, you're gonna be even deader when Mom sees the mess in your room.
This place is disgusting.
I like it.
You know, Brad, you got a big problem but maybe we can help.
How? Well, I can do your homework, and Mark here will clean your room.
No, I won't.
Mark, we're brothers.
Brothers do things for each other.
No, we don't.
For money, we do.
How much do I have to pay you? Well, that depends on how well you want to do.
Ten bucks for an A, five bucks for a B, and $2 for handling.
What's "handling" supposed to mean? Well, after I finish it, I have to hand it to you.
Well, let's see what Marie made us for dinner tonight.
Could it be lamb stew? Honey, would you be offended if I asked Marie to move in with us? No.
Not at all.
She can move in as soon as you move out.
You wanna taste what we're having for dinner tonight? I'm not that hungry.
Marie made it.
I'm starving.
You know, as soon as these finals are over, I'm gonna be back there behind that stove.
Don't say that, not even joking.
What are you doing home? I thought you had band.
Yeah, well, I forgot my sax.
I gotta go back.
Wait, wait, wait.
Did the teacher grade that paper on the Franco-Prussian War? Yeah.
Let me see it.
It's the red folder.
Brad, you got an A! All right! What are you so happy about? Can't a guy be happy for his brother? I-I gotta go.
Well, don't you need a ride? No.
Eddie's mom's gonna take me.
OK, see you later.
This is great.
He's handling this all very well.
He's doing his job real good, getting an A on that Franco-American-SpaghettiO thing.
Wait a minute.
Listen to this.
"Does war bring out the worst in men, or is it the worst in men that brings on war?" Oh, oh, oh.
That's good.
No wonder he got an A.
That is the exact same opening sentence that Randy used on his paper about the Civil War.
What are you suggesting? Brad wrote Randy's paper.
Close, but completely wrong.
Randy wrote this paper.
Why would Randy write a paper for Brad? Well, I don't know.
Hey, wait.
What are you doing emptying Brad's trash can? Um It used to be mine.
Oh, I see.
So you missed it and you're just emptying it for old times' sake? Exactly.
Yeah, right.
Get your can back down over here.
I didn't do anything.
Are you cleaning Brad's room? Brad's room? Mark, you're in a difficult position.
On one hand, you want to be loyal to Brad.
On the other hand, we pay your allowance.
My allowance? And you're repeating everything we say.
And don't repeat that.
It can only mean one thing.
Yeah? Brad pays them more than we do.
Mark, come on.
We want to know what is going on.
Brad couldn't handle the job, so he paid me to do his chores.
And Randy to do his homework? You didn't hear that from me.
If he's having such a problem, why didn't he just come to us? He said he had to show you that he was up to the challenge, like a real man.
Oh, Tim.
What? You're the one that told him he could do it.
Me? Yeah.
I believe the exact words were, "I have my doubts, but if you say so, Tim.
" You hold it up like that.
I'll go over by the gazebo.
Can you hear me? Loud and clear, audio neighbor.
This is great.
Two guys talking over a distance.
Somebody should've invented this years ago, huh? Well, I believe they did, Tim.
It's called the telephone.
I could have used this to snoop on Brad.
I would have realized Randy was doing his homework and Mark was acting like his maid.
Well, how did that come about? He hired his brothers because he couldn't do the paper route and schoolwork at the same time.
It was too much for him.
If he was having a problem, I wonder why he didn't just come and tell me.
It's hard for a boy to come to his father and expose his fallibility.
Oh, it's not like I haven't seen the kid in the shower before.
No, no, no, no, Tim.
What I meant was, did you have any indications that Brad was having difficulties? No.
He said he was tired, that it was becoming a lot of work, he wanted to quit, but other than that, the kid So obviously he did come to you.
Maybe you just had trouble hearing what he had to say.
Truth is, I probably wouldn't have heard him no matter what he said.
Why not? I was so excited about him having that job.
I just kept pushing him and pushing him.
You know I just want my kids to be great.
Tim, it's not unusual for a father to want his son to succeed.
You know, I'm reminded of what Wally Schirra the astronaut said: "You don't raise heroes, you raise sons.
"But if you treat them as sons, they'll turn out to be heroes, even if it's just in your own eyes.
" I did push him way too hard.
But it wasn't on purpose.
I know it wasn't.
Thanks for lending me your ear.
Tim! Thanks for lending me yours.
(Brad) Hey, Dad.
Hello, Brad.
Are you having dinner with us tonight? Yeah.
I'll be down in one second.
I'm just gonna take my sax up to my room.
I think your room's about done.
Last I saw, Mark was putting a mint on your pillow.
So I guess you noticed Mark was cleaning my room.
Yes, I noticed that.
Hey, I gotta admit, I was pretty surprised when he actually volunteered to do it.
You must have been downright amazed when Randy volunteered to do your homework.
I'm really sorry, Dad.
I know I got myself in deep.
And I didn't even know how to get out of it.
It's all right, it's all right.
A lot of it's my fault.
I was pushing you to do this.
I didn't listen when you were telling me that you didn't want to.
I really wanted to show you that I could handle it.
I'm reminded of what the great astronaut, Wally Cleaver, said "You can't expect your son to do his homework and eat a foot-long hero without Prussian dressing.
" What? You're one terrific kid and I'm real proud of you for trying this, but the rest of this week, concentrate on your homework.
I'll take your two employees, and we'll finish out the week so you get a full paycheck.
Oh, thanks, Dad.
You know, son, the reason I was doing this, I got so into this, was because when I had a paper route, it was really important to me.
How come? It was the first job I had after my dad died, and I had the job to show my mom I could shoulder some responsibility and not be a goof-off like my brothers.
I'm sure you didn't quit your first paper route.
No, I didn't.
See? I was fired.
Why were you fired? I was trying to make it fun and expedite it at the same time, so I got a compressed-air gun that would shoot the papers.
I never got the telemetry down, which is the angle of attack.
I'd get some It'd go I'd get 'em I never got them anywhere near the damn porch.
I would have made a lot more money if I knew how to repair a window back then.
(Tim) These are our collections.
20 (both) 40, 50, 55, 60.
I'm supposed to have 75.
You were docked for the windows you broke.
I didn't break any windows.
Technically, it was your bike, your route, done by somebody with your last name Dad! I'm good for the 15 bucks.
You also ran over a cat's tail and you were slapped silly by some old woman.
Good news! Finals are over.
How'd you do? I kicked butt.
All right, Mom.
Does this mean Marie's not gonna be cooking for us anymore? Yes, it does.
I'm gonna be making a Swiss steak in a marinade, uh some lovely scalloped potatoes and I got a new idea to use this squash I found.
You guys hungry? Guys?
Previous EpisodeNext Episode