Home Improvement s04e12 Episode Script

'Twas the Night Before Chaos

Merry Christmas.
It's Yule time here on Tool Time.
Merry Christmas.
You know, Christmas always reminds me of my childhood.
I used to build a snowman every year.
I used a carrot for its nose, cookies for its eyes, licorice for its smile.
Ah, that's a great story, Al.
Unfortunately, Al's mom usually ate the snowman.
One year.
She used the carrot to make coleslaw.
Today's Tool Time isn't about a plaid lad's Christmas.
Today's Tool Time is about a man's Christmas.
And nothing says Christmas to a man like a block of ice and a Binford chainsaw.
That's right.
And today's special Tool Time guest uses a chainsaw to make beautiful ice sculptures.
That's right.
Our guest, Chas Jensen, is here for the Plymouth International Ice Sculpting Spectacular.
So let's give him a warm Wait.
Let's give him a cool Tool Time welcome - Chas Jensen! Welcome to Tool Time.
Thank you, Tim.
Thank you, Al.
Now, rumor has it that you can actually make a Christmas tree out of this block of ice in 30 seconds.
Yes, I can.
Would you like me to demonstrate? We didn't invite you on the show to sing.
Whoo! (applause) You know, that is fabulous.
However, the presents you put under it should be waterproof.
Oh, no.
It's the Christmas lighting contest again.
Tim, I hope you're not gonna go overboard this year.
You know, we could try a little subtlety for a change.
Got it covered.
Oh, Tim! They were all out of the big ones.
Hey, no running in the house.
Mom, I have to go to the bathroom! Hey, hurry up, Mark.
Get outta there.
I gotta go really bad.
Why don't you go upstairs and use your bathroom? I can't.
Aunt Nancy's in there giving the babies a bath.
Well, then use ours.
Uncle Marty's in there, and he took five magazines with him.
Go get some of those stick matches.
Whoo! I'm out.
Tim? Will you please set the highchair up for lunch? I'll just eat at the counter.
Oh, it's so great to have babies in the house again.
There's nothing like a little projectile vomit to brighten up the holidays.
Oh, come on.
Gosh, I think this is going to be the perfect Christmas.
You're not kidding.
I think this year, finally my decorations are gonna beat Doc Johnson.
I was referring to your brother's family being here, and my parents coming.
Don't set yourself up like this.
Every year your parents come, you end up locked in your bedroom going, "Why did I even invite them?" Know what present I'd like your dad to give me? Call me my name "Tim" instead of "Hey, you.
" Well, if you heard what he called you behind your back, you'd be happy with "Hey, you.
" (doorbell) Oh, they're here.
Mom, it's so wonderful to see you! It's amazing you're seeing us at all.
Your father didn't use the turn signal once, all the way from Texas.
Hello, dear.
Hello, Tim.
Hi, Lillian.
I didn't use the signal because there was no one behind me, Lillian.
Then what was that truck that almost sideswiped us? He had no business being on the interstate, big truck like that.
Hi, Daddy.
Hello, sweetheart.
Hey, you.
Grandpa, Grandma! Here come the crew! Hello! Give me some sugar.
All right, men.
Here's your mission.
There is a vehicle in the driveway that needs unloading.
It's packed to the ceiling with presents.
Charge! That's another thing.
Your father piled the presents up so high in the back seat, he couldn't even see out the window.
Don't blame me.
I wanted to put the presents in the front seat and you in the back.
Well, that would've certainly made things more pleasant for me.
Oh, it's gonna be a perfect Christmas.
Would anybody like some eggnog? Oh, no.
Your father can't eat eggs.
I can eat eggs.
I just don't know what the hell "nog" is.
Oh, look! You remember Tim's brother, Marty, and his wife, Nancy.
And this is Claire, and I think that's Gracie.
Oh, aren't they little angels? Yeah, take a good look.
They're clean.
We're clean.
It only happens once a day.
If you're thinking about a career, think army.
All he ever talks about is the army, the army, the army.
You'd think he'd never retired.
Never should've retired.
After spending two days in a car with you, the Korean War was a picnic.
Well, I really enjoyed my two days riding with you.
Of course, I could've had more scintillating conversation with a crash dummy.
You calling me a dummy? Would you please just stop Jill? standing there, so we can talk about Christmas lights? Tim is entering a contest.
Tell them, honey.
I'm entering a contest.
Hey, guys, get down here.
Let's see what Grandma and Grandpa got us for Christmas.
Hear anything good? No, I don't hear anything.
(both) Clothes.
Oh, there they go.
Don't stay out too long, boys.
When you get back, you can help me put the icing on my famous sticky buns.
All right, Grandma.
Bye! Now, don't worry, Jill.
You can go back on your diet after Christmas.
I'm not on a diet, Mom.
Oh! Oh, oh, well.
Then you don't have to worry at all.
So, are you and Dad OK in Brad's room? Oh, as OK as we are anywhere else.
You have no idea what your father's like these days.
I'll grease those baking pans Ever since he retired, he just sits like a lump in his den and watches the same old war movie over and over and over.
Margarine or butter? Patton.
He's seen it so many times, I know everything that George S.
Patton ever said.
"OK, men.
We're going through those enemy lines like crap through a goose.
" Oh, about these sticky buns And I can't get him to do anything.
I thought we'd get to travel and go to Italy, do all the things we never had time to do when he was working.
Just when I thought we'd be getting closer together, we seem to be growing apart.
Mom, don't you think you ought to talk to Dad about this, not me? Well, it's no use.
He's established a stronghold in that den.
I'd have to put a grenade under his Barcalounger to get him out of there.
(Colonel shouts) Lillian! Where'd you put my tape of Patton? I want to show it to the boys when they get back.
I threw it out of the window in St.
If you're serious, we're going back to get it! All right, all right.
I'll find it.
Tim, Tim, wait a second.
I want to talk to you.
Not now.
I gotta go light up a camel.
I talked with my mother.
She's really upset with Dad.
I know that I said that I wouldn't get involved, but I really think I have to say something to my father.
Before you say something, let me say something.
Don't say something.
This is not their usual bickering.
It seems like they're really unhappy.
Well, of course they are.
They've been married 42 years! (martial music and gunfire on TV) Look, girls.
There's General George S.
He was the most powerful military leader in the world.
Phew! Speaking of powerful.
I think one of those babies just dropped a bomb.
There they are.
Oh, they were crying, so I decided to calm 'em down by letting 'em watch Patton's invasion of North Africa.
At home, we just put them to sleep with old tapes of Tool Time.
Whoa! Somebody's stinking up the joint over here.
Randy! Boys? Boys, would you go upstairs for a while? I want to talk to Grandpa alone.
Mom, we're right in the middle of Patton.
Well, go upstairs and ask your grandma to act out the rest of it for you.
Hey, Brad, will you take Claire up to Nancy? Here.
What are you doing? I was watching my favorite movie.
Yeah, I hear that's what you spend most of your time doing now, watching old war movies.
Oh, for cryin' out loud.
Your mother been talking to you? Dad, it's not uncommon when a man retires to go through something like this.
Something like what? Well, I think that you're experiencing a little bout of depression.
You know, this is just like you.
The second we walk through the door, you stick your nose in the middle our business.
Now wait a second.
I've been trying to stay out of this.
The second you walked through the door, you two started arguing.
That's not true.
We started arguing in Texas! Well, it's 2,000 miles.
You could have finished by Missouri.
Doc Johnson's amazing.
I swear his Santa looks real.
Just put the binoculars down.
Give me a hand with the Virgin Mary, will you? I'm sorry, Marty.
Are you all right? I don't know.
I'm still numb from when you beaned me with the pig.
Tim, can you come down here? I need to talk to you.
Can't it wait? No.
Aw! Marty, I'll be right back.
I really blew it this time.
I tried to talk to Dad about Mom and now he is really mad at me.
I thought we decided that you weren't gonna get involved.
Young lady? Could I see you for a minute, please? I am so mad at you.
Now they're both mad at me.
Congratulations! Two for two.
Did you tell your father that I said he was depressing? No.
I didn't say he was depressing.
I said he was depressed.
He said that you said that I said he was depressing.
No, no.
I said that he was exhibiting all the classic signs of depression.
I don't think that one semester of psychology qualifies you to diagnose retired colonels.
Mom, I was just trying to help you get through to him.
Well, I don't need you to help me get through to my own husband.
Well, then why did you come to me complaining about him in the first place? I was just letting off steam.
If you hadn't opened your mouth, your father and I could've just been mad at each other and had a perfectly lovely Christmas.
Band-Aids? Um, upstairs, top three drawers.
Which room? Every room.
Tim? Can you come down here? I have to talk to you.
Again? Yeah.
Oh, come on! OK, what did you do now? Hi-de-ho, neighbors.
Never mind.
I'll talk to Wilson instead.
You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna install an escalator.
Wilson, I'm really having a problem.
Experiencing a little seasonal stress, Jill? Yeah.
My dad is having trouble adjusting to retirement, it's driving my mother crazy, so I tried to help, and now they're both mad at me.
Mm-hm, mm-hm, mm-hm.
You got caught in the middle.
That is a familial landmine, not to mention a Noel no-no.
Course, Tim told me not to get involved Yes, I did! But is it really such a bad thing for me to try to help my parents? Yes, it was.
Shut up, Tim! Well, Jill, when parents are having problems, it's natural for a child, regardless of age, to want to help.
Did you hear that, Tim? On the other hand, it's perfectly natural for parents to not want their children's help.
You hear that, Jill? Wilson, what are you saying? What am I supposed to do about my parents? Well, I can tell you what they do in the Nuer tribe in Africa.
They bring in a wise member of the tribe, usually an older Nuer, who helps counsels the disputing parties and helps them resolve their differences.
So what I need is an objective third party? Exactly.
Wilson, please! No, Jill.
I would love to, but I'm going to a Filipino Christmas party.
When are you gonna be back? Couple of weeks.
The party's in the Philippines.
Man! Well, there goes my fantasy of a perfect Christmas.
Thanks anyway, Wilson.
Have a nice trip.
How about you, Tim? I think you would qualify as an objective third party.
Forget about it, Wilson.
I'm the kind of guy that likes to stand his ground.
Whoa-oa-oa-oa! Ow! Ow! Ow! Are you all right? Oh, yeah.
Oh Yeah, I just was tired of using that ladder.
So, what did you get me for Christmas? Why? 'Cause I want to know if I got you the same thing you got me.
I didn't get you anything.
Same thing I got you.
Those sticky buns are for breakfast tomorrow.
You guys aren't sneaking any, are you? No.
Why not? Nobody's looking.
Hey, Colonel.
Hey, you.
What are you doing? I'm watching Patton.
How about putting that thing on pause and helping me string these lights up on the roof there? I have no interest in your battle with an 80-year-old proctologist.
Yeah, you're right.
Guy's probably gonna win anyway.
You know how tough those old navy guys are.
Did you say "navy"? (grunting) Yes, I did.
No way we're gonna let a navy guy beat us.
All right, Colonel.
With your help, I think we can beat the old doctor.
Now, let me see the enemy.
Watch your step.
Across the street there, red brick, white trim.
He's walking on the roof there.
He's got so many things up there, I can't see which one is Doc Johnson.
He's the one wearing the rubber gloves.
All right, we got a lot of work to do.
Um All right, hand me the sheep, you plug in the pig.
There you go.
Colonel, it's great to have you on my team.
It's great to be back in action again.
From what Jill says, you haven't been too active lately, though.
Yeah, here we go.
Now there's another monkey in the middle.
I'm not a monkey in the middle.
I'm an objective third party, like the African Manure tribe.
What the hell are you talking about? Jill says you've been spending a lot of time in the den, and Lillian's not happy about it.
Lillian doesn't understand how my life has changed.
I used to command 2,000 troops who worshipped the ground I walked on.
Now I spend all my time with one woman who vacuums the ground I walk on.
Just 'cause you're retired from the army doesn't mean you're retired from life.
I'm not retiring from life.
You're retreating from your marriage.
An army man never retreats.
What are you doing in the den all the time? I'm watching the story of the greatest military hero of all time.
How many scenes in that film do you see Patton in his den, sitting on his butt, looking for his remote? Lillian? What are you doing up at 0600 hours? Well, I've been up all night.
Who could sleep with the two of you stomping on the roof? Oh, it was worth it.
We're gonna surprise the hell out of that navy butt doctor.
Well, you must be exhausted.
You never came to bed.
I was so excited, I didn't even think about the time.
Did think of some other stuff, though.
Like getting off my butt and out of the den.
Where you gonna go? The living room? No.
I realize I haven't been much fun to live with since I retired.
What would you think about doing a little traveling? Maybe going to Italy.
Well, I've always wanted to go to Italy.
Especially Venice.
Well, I'd like to take you.
Oh, you would, huh? Yeah.
We could We could, you know, see the sights.
Eat some pasta.
Maybe go on a gondola ride.
I thought you hated boats.
A gondola's a boat? Oh, Fred! Merry Christmas.
I don't know what happened last night, but when we get back home, maybe you'd better spend more time on the roof.
Jill? What are you doing there? Have you been eavesdropping on us? No, I'm sleepwalking.
You make coffee when you're sleepwalking? Yes.
That way it's ready when I wake up.
Ooh, we should have some of these.
Oh, who got into my sticky buns? They're half gone.
The boys must have.
Those little scamps.
Daddy, I'm so happy.
Looks like we're gonna have that perfect Christmas after all.
You bet.
I didn't think that you were listening to me, but it seems like some of what I said sunk in.
It wasn't you.
It was "Hey, you.
" Tim? You know, if you listen to what he has to say, he's not such an idiot.
(Tim yelling) Whoa! Help me out! Colonel! Colonel! I need a little help out here.
Colonel! Come on, they're coming down the block.
The judges are ready to look at the house.
Let's go see it.
All I'm missing is a real baby for the manger.
He wouldn't really.
He would, but we're not gonna let him.
It's not like you don't have one to spare.
(Lillian) This is what you spent all night on? (Jill) I don't even see a manger.
They didn't see the Allies coming into Normandy either.
And you know why? (Lillian) Why? Camouflage! Watch.
(Jill) Beautiful! But you know what? I still don't see a manger.
Oh, yeah? Watch this.
(Jill) Wow! Oh, that is so cool! Look, it just raises up right out of Tim, did you make a hole in our roof? Oh, yeah.
Just a little one.
I'll repair it to-- Tomorrow Oh, no! Uh-oh.
Well, you know, I always wondered what I would look like frozen.
Just look in the mirror, Al.
But actually, his belt's a little wide.
Let me just take a little bit out of that waist here for you.
Tim, do not touch frozen Al.
I know what I'm doing, Al.
Oh, great! Now you've taken a chunk out of frozen Al.
Don't worry about it, buddy.

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