Home Improvement s04e11 Episode Script

Some Like It Hot Rod

Thank you.
And welcome back to our segment on stain removal.
When talking about stains, most people think of stains like you get in clothes - food stains, grease stains And the kind Tim is most familiar with, bloodstains.
Speaking of stains, what is that? Ting! Can't believe I fell for that.
It's the oldest trick in the book.
No, no, no, Al.
That is the oldest trick in the book.
Would you just get back with stains? All right.
We're not talking about stains around the house that your wife can get out with cotton balls and club soda.
We're talking about man-sized stains.
(grunts) That's right.
Soot and grime that gets on the outside of buildings.
For stains like these, you need better remedies - steam-cleaners, sandblasters, solvents, high-pressure washers.
Larry, follow Al and me outside.
That's right.
We're gonna use high pressure to get the soot and grime off the outside our building.
That's right.
We're gonna be removing some graffiti.
Hi, Chrissy.
Actually, Tim, there's no graffiti on our building.
There is now.
Now, remember, Al, I did this to show the audience how to remove graffiti, OK? Do you think the pressure washer will take it off? I sure hope so, for Al's sake.
"Al is a gal"? Why are you calling me a gal? 'Cause it rhymes with Al.
And I couldn't remember if weenie ended with "y" or "ie.
" All right, enough is enough.
I am tired of being embarrassed all the time.
Look at your fly.
Got you again! Anyway, we're gonna remove this bad rumor with Binford's 6100 series power washer.
Now, normally these things have about 11 horse, but I've added a few extra ponies.
(Al) How many more? Oh, about 100.
Heidi, start her up.
Stand back.
Just like butter.
Well, that worked just great.
Now "Al's a gal" is in there permanently, and what are you gonna do about that? Add "For a good time, call" (drumming) (Mark) Come, they told me (boys) Ba bum ba bum bum The newborn king to see Ba bum ba bum bum No, guys, guys.
You can't sing "Ba bum ba bum bum.
" It's "Pa rum pa pum pum.
" "Ba bum ba bum bum" just doesn't make any sense.
What's the difference? Well, if you sing "Ba bam ba bum bum" instead of "Pa rum pa pum pum," everybody'll think you're da da da da dumb.
Now try it again, all right? Come, they told me Pa rum pa pum pum Very good.
That's perfect.
Hey, that's our favorite Christmas carol.
"The Little Engine Boy.
" Vroom vroom vroom vroom vroom.
(car horn) That's our ride.
Wait! Your parents are here early.
Yes! Oh, guys, you have no sense of commitment.
All right, get all your hats and gloves and everything.
I'm gonna walk 'em out.
(Jill) Thanks! You know, these guys have just got to learn that Christmas is not just about fun.
You taught me.
I'm sure you can teach them.
What is this? You guys are supposed to stay here and help paint the sets for Mark's pageant.
I gotta paint a whole village.
We'd love to stay and help you.
But unfortunately we've got that gosh darn hockey game this afternoon.
Well, what time is this "gosh darn" hockey game gonna be over? Well, what time are you gonna be done painting? Well, if that's your attitude, I just don't know if I want you to help me after all.
All right! Thanks.
Thanks a lot.
Tim, it's just you and I painting these sets.
Would you start by moving the hot rod out of the garage? I can't go now.
I'm five minutes late already at Eddie's Body Shop.
Eddie's Auto Shop? Yeah.
He's having that party.
The editor from Hot Rod Magazine's gonna be there.
I told you about this.
I have this fourth grade Christmas pageant to produce.
I've only got one week left.
I won't be late.
I'll be home right after, OK? Bye, bye bye bye bye Bye bye ba bye bye Hi, Dad.
Mark, come on.
It's just you and me now doing all this work.
Will you bring the paint out to the garage while I move the hot rod out? I can't.
I'm going over to Billy's.
And leave me alone here to do all the work on your pageant.
Oh, well, now I think about it, I'd much rather stay here with you.
I'll never forget my fourth grade Christmas play.
I memorized all my lines months in advance.
I was so excited.
I got to be Mary.
Bet you were great.
Oh, I was, I was.
I had the audience eating out of the palm of my hand until I threw up all over the three wise men.
Mom, great game.
We won, two to one.
Well, that's great, but, guys, when it's snowing, you're supposed to come through the garage, not track it all over the house.
When did it start snowing? A few hours ago.
Mom, didn't you notice the blizzard? No.
I was inside painting all day while the rest of my family was out having fun.
Where's the hot rod? The hot rod.
You know, the thing Dad kisses every night before he goes to bed.
Oh, my God! I left it outside.
Well, you covered it, right? Wrong.
It's covered now.
How could I have done something so stupid? They say when two people have been married for a long time, they start acting like each other.
You're not helping, Brad.
Mom, we better clean this up before Dad gets home.
Look, it's just snow.
Snow is water, water is wet.
Anything wet can be dried.
Why don't you just throw it in the dryer and set it on auto? Randy, will you turn up the heat? Brad, start scooping.
Just dump the snow outside that door.
Mark, you keep watch.
Your father could be home any minute.
Dad's coming.
That's not funny.
No, he's really coming.
Oh, my God! OK, guys, guys, you get to work.
I'm gonna try to stall him.
Whoo! Boy, that blizzard dumped some snow out there, huh? Hi, honey.
You're home early.
I had one of the best days of my life.
I had a long talk with the editor from Hot Rod Magazine.
Oh, honey, that's wonderful.
I didn't tell you what we talked about.
Right! You didn't tell me! You should sit down and tell me.
What? Every single word, even if it takes all night.
You want some coffee? Sure, why not? They're thinking of doing an article on my hot rod.
Your hot rod.
He's coming by early in the morning to check it out.
Oh, God! It's great news.
I told him it was a cherry hot rod.
It's never even been out in the rain.
I probably spend more time with that than I do with Never mind.
I gotta go out there and tweak some stuff out.
No, wait! Wait, wait, wait, wait! Um Tell me some more about this man.
What man? This editor.
How old is he? Where was he born? I don't know, New Jersey.
What books and movies does he like? Who would know? What kinds of books and movies do you like? What difference does it make? Well, we have not talked about books and movies for a long time.
I feel like we're drifting apart.
Why don't you sit down here and we'll just talk like we used to, you know.
You know what my favorite book is? No, I don't.
The encyclopedia.
Have you been hitting the eggnog a little early this year? No, no, honey.
Oh, Tim! Tim! I have a great idea.
Let's go to the movies, right now.
I can't go to the movies.
Tim, don't say that you can't.
If you believe you can, you can make it happen.
I believe you've lost your mind, honey.
My hot rod! You always said you wanted a snowmobile.
Who did this to my car? Mom, do you wanna take that one? And by the way, good luck.
You did this? Honey.
Honey, it was just an accident.
You know, it wasn't snowing when I moved it outside.
You did this? Look at all the snow in here.
The interior's wrecked.
The carpet's all wet.
Look, my gauges are all fogged up.
Well, couldn't you just take them out and dry them off and then put 'em back together? You love to take things apart and put 'em back together.
How'd this happen? Honey, I've been under a lot of pressure lately.
I've had the Christmas pageant and Christmas shopping and school and my parents coming next week.
There's no excuse for this.
Why don't you just admit you screwed up? Well! I think that you could be a little bit more understanding.
I mean, it's not like this was my fault.
Whose fault was this? Yours.
Hello! Hey, if you had moved the hot rod out of the garage as I asked you to, then you would've remembered to put the cover on.
This is unbelievable.
Did I blame you when I dropped the beam on your car? Yes, you did.
And remember how lame that was? Yes, I do.
I've worked on this car for three years.
And you send it outside like a stray cat.
This is like a member of the family.
You just wait a minute.
Every single thing that I have ever owned, you have managed to puncture, singe, pulverize, crack, crush, melt or explode, and every single time, I have managed to come up with the compassion to forgive you.
This one time that something like this happens, do you have the same compassion to forgive me? No! Thank you so much! Honey, I Wait a minute.
You are really good.
You screw up and I'm getting yelled at.
You are really, really good.
When you've got that gauge dried out, you can use these towels to sop up the carpet.
You know what, Tim? I haven't heard the word "please" all night.
You're right.
Please shut up and get back to work.
I'm starving.
I thought you said there'd be sandwiches.
What do I look like? A deli? All I'm saying is that if you were over at my house sopping up a car, I would serve you a little something.
I'm sorry, Al.
The guy's coming tomorrow and it's important to me.
I'm kinda worried about it, all right? Hey, guys.
You've been working for hours.
Wouldn't you like me to make you sandwiches? We're all right, Jill.
Well well, actually If we eat it'll just take longer, all right? Tim I've been thinking and maybe you're right.
Maybe I have a problem admitting when I'm wrong.
You know, I think that it has to do with my relationship with my mother.
No, no, no.
Please, not this "my mother made me screw up" again.
You know, I have a lot of issues with my mother.
Here we go.
You see, to my mother an apology was like an admission of guilt, which gave her the right to give me a nine-hour lecture on what a bad person I was.
That's fascinating, Jill, it really is, but I'm not your mom.
I thought you'd pick up on that since I stopped wearing my hair in a beehive.
Tim, the mother-child relationship has all these complexities that affect all aspects of your life.
Boy, is that true.
No matter how hard you fight against it, you always are your mother's child.
Hey, I got a great idea.
Let's all get together tomorrow night and watch Terms of Endearment.
(Jill) Wilson! Wilson.
Hi-de-ho, neighborette.
(Jill) Is that the heater that Tim wanted? Yes, indeedy.
So how's the hot rod coming along? Oh, it's still really wet.
I don't know if it's gonna dry in time.
I'm so mad at myself.
Wilson, I've been thinking about this.
Do you think that subconsciously I left the hot rod out in the snow to get back at Tim for dropping that two-ton beam on my station wagon? Well, Jill, that's a very interesting theory, but I'm sure that your leaving the car out was just an accident.
But you know what Freud says about that - "There are no accidents.
" Well, obviously Freud never saw Tool Time.
Well, maybe I was personifying the hot rod as a rival for Tim's love, then transferring my feelings of jealousy to it.
Well, Jill-- Or it could just be about the balance of power in the relationship.
You know, I have always had a problem subjugating my ego to the strong-willed male - i.
my dad.
It just taps right into my preadolescent, deep-seated feelings of rejection.
Jill, the psychological knowledge you're acquiring at college can give you some very powerful insights.
You're telling me.
On the other hand, a little knowledge and a vivid imagination can really make a person cuckoo.
So you think I'm just reading too much into this? Yes, I do.
So basically I just screwed up.
Yes, you did.
You're probably right.
Tim just accused me of not being able to admit it when I'm wrong.
I do have a tendency to, you know, just pass blame on to other people.
Of course, Tim was the one who didn't move the hot rod out of the garage, not to mention the fact that he went to a hot-rod party.
Brad and Randy went off to some hockey game and Jill.
(grunts) I'm doing it again.
Thanks, Wilson.
(chuckles) (Tim) Al, what are you doing? Al.
What are you doing? Getting a drink of water.
(Tim) What's taking you so long? Oh, I'm really thirsty.
Al? Mm-hmm? What are you doing, Al? Nothing.
You're eating.
It's 1:30 in the morning.
I had an early lunch and I get a little testy when I haven't eaten in 14 hours.
I'm taking a break.
I got an idea.
Let me have that.
We'll split it and we'll both take five.
It's good.
What do you call this? Ham and cheese.
The trick is, though, to add a little dill to your mustard.
Al, you live life on the edge.
You know, Tim, I don't want you to get the wrong impression about my relationship with my mother.
Yes, we've had some difficult moments, and, yes, she can be overbearing - suffocating, really - but she means well.
However, she does have a pretty tart tongue.
(snores) Oh.
Ow! What time is it? What day is it? What am I doing sleeping with Al? Get up! Is it five minutes already? It's been five hours.
The guy's gonna be here in 15 minutes.
I am dead.
I gotta go.
No, stick around.
I mean I gotta go.
We've got a bathroom in the house, Al.
Whoa! Hi, honey.
The car looks dry.
It's dry as a bone.
How'd you do this? I'm packing heat.
I even conditioned the leather.
Oh! I came down in the middle of the night and saw you two sleeping on the couch with little pieces of dill stuck to your lips.
It was very cute.
I didn't have the heart to wake you, so I just decided that I would finish it all myself.
I can't believe you did this.
Well, after all, it was my fault.
I don't know, I think I must have some dill caught in my ear.
Could you say that a bit louder? Don't push your luck.
Get in.
See if it meets your approval.
Jill, this is the greatest gift you've ever given me.
I gave you three children.
Yeah, but none of them came out this clean.
The interior looks really good.
You did a really nice job on all the little details here.
Did you wax this thing? I waxed it.
You know, deep down you must be a car babe.
Very, very deep down.
I love you.
I've still got it.
Come, they told me Pa rum pa pum pum Great news, honey.
Oh, I'm sorry.
No, it's OK.
Boys, do you wanna take a break? OK.
I need aspirin and I need it now.
They decided to put a picture of the hot rod in the magazine.
They did? Oh, good.
I'm so glad.
And they're gonna get a woman in a string bikini to sit on the hood.
Tim, I have never been more proud of you than I am at this moment.
I suggested you be that woman.
Well, I appreciate the thought, Tim, but there's not enough string in the whole wide world.
Tim, the complexities of the mother-child relationship affect all aspects of your life.
Oh, boy, ain't that the truth? You know, no How How matter how hard you try to fight against it, you're always your mother's child.
Hey, I got a fun idea.
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