Home Improvement s06e23 Episode Script

- Hey, Tim.
What's up? - Hey, daddy-o! You know, in 3-D, you got 16 chins.
Oh, no.
Don't tell me they bought your idea to do Tool Time in 3-D.
Not just Tool Time.
For one night, every show on the station is gonna be 3-D, right? - Knitting With Norm.
- No! - Cooking With Erma.
- That'll be a great ratings grabber.
What, we have Erma's fish kabobs flying at the camera? - So it sounds a little cheesy.
- Sounds cheesy? Alright, it is cheesy! That's what makes it fun.
We'll follow in the footsteps of 3-D horror classics, Doctor Fong's House of Chain Gang Cheerleaders.
Oh, yeah.
Love Doctor Fong! I never liked 3-D, you know? When I was a kid, my favorite movie was The Sound of Music.
Now there's a movie that would've been better in 3-D.
Can you imagine 50 nuns coming at you like ping-pong balls? Like a bad habit! What place does 3-D have in a serious tool show? None.
That's why we're doing it on Tool Time.
A visual feast.
The audience will feel like they're on the set with me.
So they can feel the same terror I do.
Lighten up.
Look at the equipment.
It's so cool.
Two cameras.
One shoots at a 45-degree angle.
Put the equipment together, tape comes out.
Put on the glasses.
Ba-da-bing! You're scared half to death.
Well, it'll take a lot more than 3-D to scare Al Borland.
Really.
Put 'em on.
I'll show you the tape I did this afternoon.
Whoa! It's so real! I can almost feel it! Brad, big news.
I pre-soaked your shirt and got out the tomato soup stain.
Wow, that is big news! When do they start giving out those Nobel prizes? - Hi, guys.
- Hi, Mom.
- Hi, Mrs.
Taylor.
- Oh, hi, Angela.
I washed your socks.
Show me the drawer they go in, I'll put them away.
Alright.
Follow me.
Why is Angela doing Brad's laundry? She probably wanted something to do after she cleaned his room.
She cleaned his room? How long has this been going on? I don't know, but she does nice work.
You know, I'm gonna ask her if she can give me a Wednesday.
I wonder if Angela has a younger sister.
My closet's a mess.
OK, wait.
Hold it! Hold it right there, both of you.
I did not raise my sons to regard women as servants.
I've taught you to be responsible and independent.
You do your own chores, clean up your own messes.
And under no circumstances do you ever treat the female sex as though they are housekeepers put here to wait on you hand and foot! Honey, you want to pop that in the washer for me? I think I'll just pop on out of here.
- I think I'll pop on out of here.
- Tim - we have a terrible situation here.
- What? Brad is letting Angela do his laundry.
Oh, my God! Whites or colors? Do you really not get what's wrong with this picture? Same old story, isn't it? Boy meets girl, girl does boy's laundry, and I get yelled at.
Wow, Angela does good work! Yeah.
She does, doesn't she? I want to talk about you two.
Mom, we've already had the sex talk.
This isn't the sex talk.
This is the socks talk.
I was kind of disappointed to hear that you asked Angela to do your laundry and chores for you.
- I didn't ask.
She offered.
- You could've said no.
I didn't want to be impolite.
Tell me something.
Do you do anything for Angela? I don't know.
We don't keep score.
In other words, nothing? Honey, this sets a really bad precedent.
It puts the female in a subservient position.
Is this gonna be another one of your feminist lectures? Brad, women have worked really hard to achieve equality.
I know.
And the right to make their own choices.
- Exactly! - Angela's choice is to do my laundry.
It's anti-feminist of you to judge her for that.
You're destroying everything women have worked so hard to achieve.
I got nowhere.
I tried to talk to Brad.
He didn't understand what I was saying.
Just keep hammering it into him.
He'll come around to your point of view.
As opposed to your point of view, which would be? Same as yours.
So you agree that Brad shouldn't let Angela do his chores? The truth, honey? I think you're making a big deal out of this.
Learning to treat women as equals is a very big deal.
The kid's 16.
He's got plenty of time to develop a mature relationship and learn how to play the game.
"The game.
" Brad'll figure out pretty soon that in order to make peace with women, - you have to pitch in now and then.
- "To make peace.
" So that's the only reason that you do anything around here? And because I really like it.
You do not.
You're just playing "the game.
" The important thing is that I help you out.
- "Help me out?" - Yeah.
Do you have any idea how demeaning that sounds? I used to be a lot better at playing this game.
You're implying that all the housework is is my responsibility! Except, occasionally, when you grace me with your help! I didn't say that.
You may do more housework, but I do yard work to help out.
I work on the cars to help you out.
- You work on the cars to help me out? - Yeah.
Well, thank you.
Because, you know, my life is gonna be so much easier when the hot rod has six-to-one compression.
Actually, it'll have eight-to-one.
Tim, this is not about who does more housework.
This has to do with setting a good example for the boys.
I think I set a darn good example for the boys, thank you.
I know you do.
It's just that this is a really pivotal time in their lives, and they need to know that you share the responsibilities with me because you want to be an equal partner.
I like that.
It's good.
And it's fine with me if you want to tell them that.
Don't you think that it would be better coming from you? Something tells me I do.
- I'm glad you guys are here.
- Want to play some ball? No.
I think it would be a lot more fun to talk about relationships.
Huh? I just want you both to know that your mom and I share an equal relationship.
We share responsibilities equally.
- What did you do this time? - What makes you think I did anything? You're a guy.
You don't talk about relationships.
Such a sexist attitude.
Have you learned nothing from me? Did you drop another beam on Mom's car? I didn't drop anything on Mom's car! I know what this is about.
Mom's angry at Brad for letting Angela do his laundry, and she's taking it out on Dad.
She wants to make sure I'm a good role model for you.
Do you really think Angela doing Brad's laundry is such a terrible thing? If a girl wanted to do my laundry, I wouldn't mind.
- You should mind! - Why? I don't know.
It seems to me you got plenty of time to get beaten down.
What do you mean? Well, eventually, it happens to all of us.
You meet that special someone who forces you into an equal relationship.
Excuse me? And there's that special someone now.
How could you say that? How could you say that men are beaten down by women? Stop that, there are sharp chicken bones in there.
You promised you'd set a good example for the boys.
They saw through me.
They know me better than that.
I guess they know you better than I do.
I thought you were gonna back me up.
If I have one flaw, it's that I'm honest.
If you have one flaw, I'm Cindy Crawford.
Thanks to your honesty, we've now not only lost Brad, we might as well write off Mark and Randy as well.
We haven't lost anybody.
Let me ask you a question.
What would happen if the boys turned out just like me? It would be the strongest argument yet against cloning.
Hey, don't bring sheep into this.
Look, Tim, if you don't set a good example for the boys, how are they gonna have healthy relationships with women? - 'Cause we have a healthy relationship.
- Only if I "force" you to.
I can't help how I am.
Men have a chromosome you women don't have.
The "Y" chromosome.
As in "Y" do I have to talk about the relationship? And "Y" do I have to put up with this? You know why? Because men are men.
No matter how much you want to, you can't turn men into women, it can't be done.
Well, it can be.
But it's very expensive.
And you still end up with an Adam's apple and big hands.
- Does everybody know what time it is? - Tool Time! That's right.
Binford Tools is proud to present, Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor! Woo-hoo! Well, thank you, everybody.
Thank you, everybody.
Thank you, Heidi.
I am Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor.
And you all know my assistant, Al Borland! Thank you.
We have a very special Tool Time for you presented in 3-D! Just because it's in 3-D doesn't mean you have to yell at them, Al.
- Sorry.
- Al is actually a pro at this.
You probably remember his old 3-D movies: Beard Man from Alcatraz, Creature from the Flannel Lagoon.
In that movie, I cried until I stopped.
And, who could forget, It Came from Baskin-Robbins.
Remember, 3-D is just an illusion.
In reality, Tim has no depth.
Alright, it's springtime.
Time to think about barbecues.
Bring out those fatty foods and that Frisbee.
At the Borland home, spring always began at the picnic table.
After they were done eating that Today we're going to show you how to build a picnic table.
Your table's dimensions depend on how many people you plan to seat.
Whoa Whoa! And, actually, we precut our two-by-six boards to the proper length! Whoa! OK.
We'll fasten those down with our two-by-four braces using wood screws - And this drill.
- Whoa Whoa! Thank you, Heidi.
We've already miter-cut our legs, we're ready to bolt them together.
Remember, the secret to a tight fit is good notches.
And for our Tool Time fans south of the border, that's "Buenas notches.
" OK, while Al's finishing up those legs, I'll move on to cut the hole for the umbrella.
OK, now we're all ready for our picnic.
Whoa Whoa Whoa! Tablecloth.
Alright, Heidi, how about our picnic basket? - Oh - What am I thinking? I'll get that.
- OK.
Are you sure? - Sure.
Sit, let me get that for you.
- Thanks.
- See what we got to eat here.
- A nice tossed salad for Heidi.
- Thank you.
- A little fried chicken for me.
- What do you have for me? Oh, I know how you like hot dogs.
I got one here you'll like ten times as much.
Whoa Whoa Whoa! Well, neighborette, I have outdone myself.
This year my tulips are more gorgeous than ever.
- They are gorgeous.
What's your secret? - A very good florist.
So how does your garden grow? Oh, it's a little heavy on the manure lately.
Brad thinks it's OK to have Angela do his chores for him.
Tim doesn't see anything wrong with that.
Oh, men! No matter how much ground we feminists have gained, there is still so much work left to be done.
"We" feminists? I've always been a big proponent of the women's movement.
You know, I spent most of the sixties with my face behind a protest sign.
Well, here I am in this whole house full of men.
I'm disgusted with myself because I've had absolutely no impact on any of them.
Remember that time that I gave Tim Betty Friedan's book? - You know, The Feminine Mystique? - Mmm-hmm.
I take it he didn't like it? He loved it.
He used it to level the legs of his workbench.
Oh, sister, sister, sister.
The thing that really upsets me is to see Brad not respecting women.
Well, Jill, Brad is new in his relationships with the opposite sex.
- I'm sure he's just testing the water.
- Angela's using it to wash his clothes.
- Well, I'm sure that's gonna change.
- You think there's hope? Oh, sure I do.
The English novelist, Jilly Cooper, would agree with me.
She said, "The male is a domestic animal which, when treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained to do anything.
" - Who trained you? - The English novelist, Jilly Cooper.
We had a brief fling during my semester at Oxford.
You know, I never realized I was becoming enlightened until one day I found myself wearing her apron and frosting her cupcakes.
- I'm kinda hungry! - Me too.
- Make me a ham sandwich? - Sure.
- Hey, guys.
- Hi.
How about you, Dad? You want her to make you one? I don't need Angela to make me a sandwich.
- She doesn't mind.
- I don't mind.
- I don't need a sandwich.
Thanks.
- I could toss you a salad.
I'm really not that hungry, but thanks anyway.
Hey, uh I finished recessing the other turn indicator in the garage.
- Would you take a look at it with me? - Yeah.
Cool.
- Excuse us for a minute.
- I'll be right back.
- Very smooth, Brad.
- Yeah.
Great job filing the edges.
I'm talking about you and Angela.
Snap your finger, she jumps.
Yeah.
It's great, isn't it? I don't know.
Do you ever wonder why she does stuff like that? - She enjoys it.
- I'm not so sure.
Some girls do that cause they're afraid if they don't, men won't like them.
- Where'd you hear that? - I read it.
You know that book that's holding up the workbench? It's called, The Feminine Mistake.
It's written by Betsy Freeloader.
- So now you're a feminist, too? - I don't know what I am.
There's stuff in there about relationships that makes sense.
When the girl does all the work, it's not good.
You're saying this because you ended up marrying somebody like Mom.
- Excuse me? - Well, don't get me wrong.
I love Mom.
I didn't "end up" with Mom.
I love her because she's a strong woman.
- You like her giving you a hard time? - Yeah.
That's what makes it exciting.
I keep trying to think of new ways to slip stuff by her and she's always coming up with new ways to nail me.
We're equal partners.
- And you think that's good? - Well, I don't know.
It works for me.
But maybe having Angela as your "sandwich girl" works for you.
Her whole life is sandwiches.
"Make me another sandwich.
Sandwich, sandwich! Make another sandwich!" Where's Brad? In the garage looking at the hot rod.
I'm making him a sandwich.
Angela, do you really think that's a good idea? Why? Do you think he'd rather have turkey? - We have to have a talk.
- OK, when I'm done with the sandwich.
Think he'll want fruit? I'll cut up an orange.
Sister, sister, sister.
Brad, what kind of mustard do you want? Mild goes best with dill pickles.
If you want sweet pickles, I'll give you the Dijon.
I also need to know what kind of cheese you want.
You shouldn't be making me a sandwich.
- I don't mind.
- I do.
- Don't you like my sandwiches? - I like you.
I don't think a girl should do stuff for a guy when he can do it.
Yes! When did you start feeling this way? Oh, I don't know.
About three minutes ago when I was in the garage.
Wow! Making your own sandwich.
Save some of that lunch meat, there's other carnivores around here.
- Tim! - What did I do now? You know what you did.
- Mmm - No, I don't.
But I'm not sure I care.
- Good night, Al.
Good night, Tim.
- Goodnight.
I'll take care of those.
How much longer are you gonna stay? I'm waiting for the 3-D guys to pick up their cameras.
Well, just make sure when they pick them up they're still in one piece.
Whoa.
Look out! Look out! Look out! What do you suppose we have in here? Snakes! Put the money in the bag.
I'm not joking.
Do I look like I'm joking? They saw through me.
They know me.
I guess they know you better than I do.
- I thought you'd back me up.
- If I have one flaw, it's being honest.
If you have one flaw, I'm Cimby Crawford.
- "Cimby?" - I'm "Cimby.
" Men are born with a chromosome women don't even have.
The "Y" chromosome.
As in "Y" do I have to keep talking about relationships? And "Y" do I have to put up with this?