Home Improvement s08e19 Episode Script

Why are we here? So, you know all those female problems I've been having, the cramps, the heavy bleeding Yeah, yeah, yeah.
They're caused by a large fibroid tumor on my uterus.
A tumor? I'm afraid Jill's gonna need a hysterectomy.
You're just talking about a partial hysterectomy, right? Not a total? There There is a "totalrectomy"? If you take my ovaries, then that's gonna throw me into early menopause.
I'm really I am not ready for hot flashes and mood swings.
I know you're not.
Jill, at this point, I see no reason that I'd have to take your ovaries.
Are you ready, Mrs.
Taylor? No.
Yeah, you are.
You'll be fine.
At 9:00, you'll be out, good as new.
You will, honey.
I love you.
I love you, honey.
I'll be waiting for you right here.
The doctor said this procedure was an hour and a half.
We're going into two hours and 47 minutes now.
Well, I wouldn't be alarmed.
Surgeries are often delayed.
I hope that's it.
Give me some O chromic.
We've got a problem here.
Her vitals are all over the place.
She's going into shock.
(MONITOR BEEPING) Why don't you just sit down and have a cup of coffee? Because I'm going crazy.
And I still don't know what's going on with my wife.
Well, we're all concerned, Mr.
Wong.
Do I look like Mr.
Wong to you? I'm Mr.
Taylor.
I'm sorry.
This waiting is just driving me crazy.
Oh, and I understand.
When my husband Harold went in for surgery, they said it was only gonna take three hours.
How long did it eventually take? Oh, but that included the autopsy.
I feel a lot better now.
Thank you.
Hey! Oh, sorry, Tim.
Hey.
What's going on? It's been three hours.
Tell me what's happening.
Well, we had a few complications.
What do you mean, "complications"? She had an allergic reaction to the antibiotic and she went into shock.
She's in shock? No, no, no, she's gonna be just fine.
We were able to stabilize her.
There's no reason for concern.
So she's okay then? Yeah, absolutely.
But, unfortunately, I did find dermoid cysts twisting her ovaries.
Now the cysts themselves are benign.
But I'm afraid I had to remove her ovaries.
So she had a total hysterectomy? Yeah.
Sorry.
I just didn't have any choice.
Oh, boy.
What was her reaction when she found out? Well, she doesn't know yet.
Oh, boy.
Do we have to tell her? I think we do.
I'll stop in and talk to her when she's out of recovery in her regular room.
All right.
You okay? Yeah, thanks, thanks.
Mr.
Taylor? Yeah? Your wife's out of surgery and the doctor will be out to talk to you in a few minutes.
Hey, boys, it's Dad.
Mom is A-okay.
When you get home from school, I want you to give her a call.
Tell her that you love her or something like that.
But make her think it was your idea.
Make sure you erase this message.
Gotta go, bye.
Look who's back.
Hey.
How you feeling? Like hell.
Well, you wouldn't know to look at you.
I'm sure.
Anything I can do to help? Yeah, stand back.
I've seen Tool Time.
Have you seen the doctor? Yeah.
Briefly.
What did he say? He wanted He was gonna talk to you as soon as you got back to the room.
Where is the doctor? He's delivering a baby.
But he'll be here as soon as he's done.
Can I have some water, please? Not just yet.
But I'll get you some ice you can chew on.
How did the surgery go? Uh Did it go exactly as planned? How long can it take to deliver a darn baby? He took my ovaries? (STAMMERING) He said there was no choice, honey.
Oh, God! I have cancer? No, no, no, no.
No, no.
You have "twisted sisters.
" What? What is that? What, you just mean twisted cysts? Cysts, yes.
And they're benign.
So everything is good.
I can't believe it.
He took everything.
I'm gutted like a fish.
Oh, no! We don't look at it that way.
You had surgery.
You had your radiator flushed.
You're gonna be running cool now.
I'm not a car, Tim.
I'm only 42 years old.
I'm gonna go through menopause 10 years before I'm supposed to.
You start early, you know.
The early bird catches the worm.
Honey.
It's hard to tell what flavor this Jell-O is.
It's either lime or guacamole.
Honey, can you get me that laptop? I gotta start working on the thesis.
Honey, you just had surgery yesterday.
Are you sure this is a good idea? I don't have a choice.
It's due.
I'm gonna get you the tray.
(KNOCKING) Hi, Jill! Hi! TIM: Hey, guys.
Hope it's not a bad time.
Not at all.
Not at all.
I brought you these.
Oh, they are so beautiful.
And I brought you these! Oh, Al.
JILL: What does he think this is? A grand opening? Balloons really cheered up my mother when she had her hysterectomy.
Please, God, take me now! When did your mom have a hysterectomy? While she was in her mid-50s.
And she did not react well to "the change.
" But with the help of hormonal supplements, she bounced right back.
Put a heck of a dent in the earth's crust.
I'll go find a vase for the flowers.
Yeah, you know, taking estrogen, you know, really helped mother's hot flashes and her mood swings.
And the side effects were minimal.
I mean, you know, some irritability and minor bloating.
Here, I'll get that.
Well, you look great, Jill.
It's hard to believe you just went through major surgery, you know? Really? HEIDI: Yeah.
Thanks.
JILL: Oh, for God's sake! Put the coat back on! I can't believe I have to look at this perfect young fertile body while I'm laying up here like a dried-up old prune.
Now my Aunt Martha, she didn't take the hormones and she grew a goatee.
On both her chins.
Not a jury in the land would convict me.
Hey, honey.
Good news.
Got another visitor.
And we can stay all day.
At least the bear doesn't talk.
AUTOMATED VOICE: Get well soon.
Get well soon.
Welcome home.
I'm so glad to be home.
It feels like it's been about a month.
Yeah.
That's because it took us a month to get home from the hospital.
Dad, did you have to drive two miles an hour? Your mom just had major surgery.
I was being cautious.
Yeah, I always wondered what it would take.
Thanks.
What, you brought the spit things back from the hospital? They expect you to take something.
It's like when you go to a hotel, you take the little soaps and the bedroom furniture.
We're home.
Who are you talking to? Mom? What are you doing here? Well, when Tim told me you had surgery, there was no way I was gonna stay at home.
I'm so glad you're here.
Why didn't you tell me she was coming? I wanted to surprise you.
You are so incredibly sweet.
Yes, I am.
And so are my boys.
God! Mom, do you know that the second that they got home from school, they called the hospital to tell me that they love me? Have you ever heard of such caring and sensitive teenagers? Yeah, as soon as we walked in the door, it was like, there was this voice saying, "Call your mom.
" Why don't you two caring, sensitive teens take your mom's stuff up to her room? Thanks, guys.
Thanks.
Okay, sweetie.
Now come over here and sit down and talk to me.
So how are you feeling? Better.
Well, now, you just don't push it.
You have to take it easy and give yourself time to recover.
Mom, I don't have time to take it easy.
I gotta finish my thesis.
Tim, can you find my book bag over there somewhere? Hey, I've got great news on that front.
If you liked me before, you're gonna love me now.
I've got you an extension on your thesis.
You what? Yeah.
Talked to your advisor, told him about your hysterectomy.
He gave you an extra week.
You what? I'm not feeling the love.
You told him? I can't believe it! I'm so Tim, if I had wanted my advisor to know about the hysterectomy, I would have told him.
How could you do this to me? Well, honey, don't bite his head off Mother, please! I don't need him to get me an extension.
I don't need Wilson to tell me about menopause on the Mayflower! I don't need Heidi flaunting her perfect boobs in my face! And I most especially don't need Al comparing me to his bearded aunt! God! Let the mood swings begin.
Whoo-hoo! JILL: Hi.
I brought you a surprise.
Oh, Mom! You made your special bread pudding.
Well, when you were a little girl, it always made you feel better.
(EXCLAIMS IN DELIGHT) Bread pudding's so good.
What was that secret ingredient you use? Bread.
Hey, I thought maybe you'd like some cold milk to go with your bread pudding.
Thank you, sweetheart.
Sounds like she's feeling better.
Mama's home cooking works every time.
(JILL EXCLAIMS IN DELIGHT) (EXCLAIMS IN DISGUST) This is whole milk.
What, are you trying to kill me? No.
But I could see how you could think that way.
This is full of fat and calories.
It's no worse than your mother's bread pudding.
Damn! How could you let her make this for me? There's like a pound of butter in here and a dozen eggs.
If it doesn't give me a heart attack, it's gonna turn me into a big, old, fat sow.
Is it hot in here? I don't think so.
God! It's hot! It's hot! I'm sweating.
God! Why is that window closed? Well, it's a little thing we call winter, honey.
Honey, maybe this is one of those hot flashes.
I am not having a hot flash.
No.
It is too soon for hot flashes! Well, didn't your doctor say if you took some of that estrogen, it would help these hot flashes and mood swings? So now you think I'm having a mood swing? I think whatever you're thinking.
Tim, don't patronize me, okay? I am not gonna take estrogen until I've had a chance to research it.
All right.
I can't research it until I've finished my thesis! And I can't finish my thesis 'cause I'm so hot! Why can't you understand that? I don't know! If you want to go back up to her bedroom, better put on your mukluks.
Is Jill having a hot flash? I guess that's what it is.
She wants me to go to the store, get some low-fat milk.
Well, just hang in there.
Things will get better.
I hope so.
I wonder if I'm gonna make it through menopause.
You're doing a great job, Tim.
A lot better than my husband.
I bet the Colonel had a problem with this.
When I went through the change, he slipped a card under my door that read, "Get well.
On the double.
" Gutsy move.
Well, the Colonel was even worse when my mother went through it.
She was living with us at the time.
He walked in one day, saw her having a hot flash, did an about-face and volunteered to fight in the Korean War.
I didn't see him again until 1957.
Well, didn't the Korean War end in '53? Yes! Oh, hi, honey.
Hi.
Hi.
Where's Tim? He went out to get you some low-fat milk.
Low-fat milk Oh, great.
Well, that's what he thought you wanted.
No, Mom.
I gotta get this calcium-fortified stuff.
It's supposed to be good to prevent osteoporosis.
I just wish that he had asked me before he went out.
Well, now, Jill, honey, listen to yourself.
Ever since the surgery, you've been blaming Tim for everything.
That is not true, Mom.
Well, yes, it is.
Now, he tried to make things easier for you at school and you yelled at him.
And he waits on you hand and foot, and you yell at him for that, too.
Mom, look, I just came down here to get a cold drink.
I don't need a lecture.
Well, this is not a lecture.
This is advice that you shouldn't interrupt until I'm finished.
Well, you're gonna have to finish it without me because I have to work on my thesis.
Oh, that'll solve everything.
Then what are you gonna hide behind when you're done with that? Jill, honey, I know you weren't expecting to have a hysterectomy at your age.
And I know it must be very hard.
But you've got to stop taking your anger out on other people and deal with your loss.
I am dealing with my loss, Mom.
This is the way I am dealing with my loss! I'm sorry! I am very angry! I hate this! I hate this! I hate this, this empty way I feel! I hate the way I look to myself now.
I hate that doctor for doing this to me! I hate my body! I hate myself! I hate everybody and everything! Oh, God! Oh, honey, honey.
I just feel so old and useless.
I felt exactly the same way when I went through menopause.
You did? Yes.
I remember being around all those young women and seeing how all the men looked at them.
And I felt like I couldn't turn a head if my hair was on fire.
Well (SOBBING) I thought because my body had changed, I was less of a woman.
And what did you do? Well, one day I sat down and looked in the mirror, and I took stock of myself.
And I realized I had my looks, my health, my brains, four beautiful daughters.
And the best part is no PMS.
Or periods.
Or cramps.
That's true.
I never knew that it was so rough on you.
Well, every woman has a rough time.
And, you know, in my day, we didn't talk about it so easily.
The only thing we shared were recipes.
Well, I can't do that.
Nobody wants mine.
That's not true.
Mom, after you went through menopause, did Dad still find you Desirable? Yeah.
You betcha.
Really? Well Uh What about you? Did you still have the same Same drive? Yeah.
Actually, even more so.
I remember one night he came home from three months on maneuvers, and we went up to the bedroom.
And I was just a wild That's okay, Mom! Thank you.
That's good! That's good.
He saluted me for a week.
Tim, is that you? I'll go with no.
What took you so long? I wanted to talk to you.
I was at the store getting you some low-fat milk.
And in anticipation of your ever-changing moods, I got you a variety.
I got 2%.
I got you 1%.
I got you low-fat skims.
I got you lactose-free.
I got soy milk, rice milk, goat milk, and for me, milk of magnesia.
I can't believe you got seven different kinds of milk.
Well, that's all they had.
No.
It was really sweet.
Tim, come over here.
I want to talk to you.
(CLEARS THROAT) I want to apologize.
Uh? I've been really upset.
And I've misdirected my anger at you.
And it's really not fair, 'cause you've been so attentive, and caring and sweet Honey, honey, honey.
and patient.
It's okay.
You did the same for me when I got my vasectomy.
But you were the one who made me get it.
I made you get it? I strongly urged you to get it.
And once you knew that it wasn't gonna make you any less of a man or that I wasn't gonna look at you any differently, you were okay with it.
Yeah, I was.
What about me? Of course you're okay with it.
You're the one that made me do it.
No.
I mean, what about, you know, me with my situation now? I mean, are you gonna want to spend the rest of your days with a hollowed-out old pumpkin? Sure! Are you gonna still find me desirable? I didn't marry you because of your uterus or your ovaries.
I married you because of what's inside.
You know what? I'm gonna take that extension that you got for me.
Good.
I love you.
I love you, too.
When do you suppose you and I will be able to No, honey.
I think it's gonna be a while before we can have sex.
No.
I mean, turn the thermostat up a little bit.
It's interesting here, honey.
It turns out that humans aren't the only mammals to go through menopause.
You're in great company.
Who else? Whales and elephants.
You're now comparing me to large, gray, blubbery animals? In a good way.
I mean, they're friendly, fun to ride.
They make And in the right light I find them very sexy.
I'll be in my room.