I Dream of Jeannie (1965) s01e04 Episode Script

Once upon a time in a mythical place called Cape Kennedy an astronaut named Tony Nelson went up on a space mission.
The missile went up but something went wrong, and they had to bring it down.
Captain Nelson landed on an island in the South Pacific where he found a bottle.
At least, it looked like a bottle.
But it didn't act like a bottle.
Because in it was a genie.
Oh, not your average, everyday genie but a beautiful genie who could grant any wish.
Captain Nelson was so grateful, he set Jeannie free only she didn't want to be free.
You know how it is when you've been cooped up in a bottle for 2000 years.
She wanted to have fun.
And she wanted to have it with Captain Nelson.
So she followed him back to Cocoa Beach a mythical town in a mythical state called Florida.
And there in this house, the girl in the bottle plays spin the astronaut.
l wonder what it is about mental work that makes you so hungry.
l wish l had a cheese sandwich.
Oh, hello, Jeannie.
You wouldn't fix me a cheese sandwich, would you? l'd go to the delicatessen myself but if l'm gonna finish this before l pick up Melissa -l won't have a chance.
-Melissa? The black-haired witch.
You be careful, young lady.
That's the girl l'm gonna marry.
Her vibrations are all wrong for you.
That's funny.
l kind of like the way she vibrates.
She will never make you happy, master.
Let's just stick to the cheese sandwich, Jeannie.
Well, if this is what you really wish.
That is what l really wish.
What's this doing in my study? What's the idea? Before one can make a cheese sandwich one must first make the cheese.
Yeah.
Yeah, that figures.
-Wasn't that fun? -Yeah.
-I never danced so much in my life.
-Thanks for driving me home, Melissa.
-l'll-- l'll see you tomorrow.
-l have a wonderful idea.
Why don't you lure me inside so we can snuggle up in front of a roaring fire with a couple of hot toddies and talk about our honeymoon? Well, l-- l wish l could, Lis, but, we better not.
l'm a terribly messy housekeep-- l'll clean it up for you.
Yeah.
Tony! You read my mind.
What? -You even lit a fire.
-l did? Yeah, l did, didn't l? Oh, look at those.
-Hi.
-You seem so nervous.
Oh, do l? Do l? Premarital jitters.
An occupational hazard for us bachelors.
-Why wait? -What? Why don't we simply move up the wedding date? Well, yeah, that's a marvellous idea.
Oh, Tony.
Wait till l get you in Jamaica.
l guess l'll have to, won't l? lt won't be too long.
-Tony.
-Yeah? -May l ask you something? -Sure.
-What are we whispering about? -Whispering? Well, it's just some things you don't discuss in public.
You mean, the walls have ears? Yeah.
Something like that.
You look a little tired.
l think you better get some rest.
l'll go.
Yeah, that's a good idea.
l mean, you look tired too, darling.
You need some rest.
Of course l will.
And thanks for being so understanding, Melissa.
-Good night.
-Good night.
-Listen, Jeannie.
-The black-haired witch is right.
Thou art very nervous.
She has upset you.
She's upset me? What do you think you've been doing? Do you really love that one? Well, l wouldn't be marrying her if l didn't.
Well, if this is what you really want l will try to serve you and make both of you happy.
Oh, we will have a wonderful honeymoon.
Wait a minute.
l don't think you know the ground rules.
l am taking Melissa to Jamaica on our honeymoon.
Jamaica.
That sounds nice.
We will have a good time there.
l will serve you ripe figs in bed-- -Oh, no, you won't.
-Dates? No, no.
Nothing.
You won't be there.
But why? No offence, Jeannie, but on a honeymoon two is company and three is-- Three is just out of the question.
-But l am your-- -No, no, no.
Melissa is in, you are out.
There's not enough room in my life for both of you.
But l take up very little room and l'll make that one happy too.
Oh, boy.
That'll be the day.
Even if she is the wrong girl for you.
-Will you stop saying that.
-Oh, but it is true.
You will be throwing your life away.
lt is not so, and-- And it's my life.
And l can throw it any place l please.
l could change myself into a brunette.
How do you like the Helen of Troy look? Have a nice trip home.
Boy.
lf there's anything l can't stand, it's a nagging genie.
Figures.
Come in.
-Hello, Tony.
-General.
Lis.
-Tony.
-l just ran into Roger.
l want you to meet a very old friend of the family.
-Grover Caldwell.
-How do you do.
So you're the lucky man.
Lis has told me all about you.
Oh, has she? Good.
Grover, tell him the news.
Captain, after a long and honourable military career the department has prevailed upon General Stone to turn in his stars for a pair of striped trousers and an attaché case.
Turn in your stars? That's State Department talk.
Meaning that Daddy is our newest ambassador.
Well, congratulations, sir.
That's wonderful news.
Thank you, Tony.
lt's a great opportunity for both of us.
Yes, yes.
l'm sure it will be.
Us? Who do you think he's taking to Europe as his military attaché? Don't get the idea that it's just because you're going to be the father of my grandchildren that you're getting this plum.
l'd have wanted you with me in any case.
You have a lot to talk about so l'll just pop off and take care of the passports and clearances.
Tony.
-Oh, yes.
Pleasure.
-General.
-Sir.
l-- -Tony? -Don't you think it's wonderful? -Well, now, slow down.
Slow down.
l can't quit what l'm doing.
-lt's a great opportunity, Tony.
-Of course it is.
Tony just hasn't had time to think about it.
Well, we can all discuss this at dinner.
We are coming to your house for dinner tonight? Yes, of course.
But there's nothing to discuss.
l'm in the space program because that's where l wanna be.
l don't mean to sound ungrateful, sir.
And l know you'll make a wonderful-- A fine ambassador.
Well, l'll-- l'll see you both at 7.
Congratulations again, sir.
Thank you, Tony.
Frozen peas.
Frozen hors d'oeuvres.
And wild rice.
What are you doing, master? l'm preparing dinner.
Why? Well, cooking is women's work.
You wouldn't.
Would you? Oh, if you did that, you'd save my life.
l have a report to finish.
-Do you know anything about cooking? -Everything.
l will take care of it.
You go soak your body in a warm tub scented with rose petals.
Well, that's a good idea, but l don't think so right now.
lf you wanna know anything about the cooking the instructions are on the back of the boxes.
You do read, don't you? Right to left, left to right, top to bottom or bottom to top.
Left to right, top to bottom.
Jeannie? Jeannie.
Jeannie.
Jeannie! Jeannie, what's going on down--? Two thousand years ago my sister made better gravy than that.
And she was the worst cook in the Middle East.
That's them.
Melissa's always on time.
Now, l have to take them out to dinner.
Will you do me a favour, please, huh? Will you just stay out of sight? -Good evening.
-Tony.
Oh, here's your hat.
Keep this, you're not staying.
l've got to apologize for the burning smell.
lt's the dinner.
l never smelled anything more appetizing in my whole life.
Oh, Tony.
Why, it's-- lt's beautiful.
Oh, it's nothing, really.
Captain Nelson! -Who's that? -Who's who? Now, Melissa.
You don't wanna go in the kitchen.
The wild rice went crazy.
Please, please, now-- Tony.
Excuse me.
Tony, you never told me that you had a houseboy.
Oh, no.
No, l didn't, did l? Where did you ever find? What's his name? -Kato.
-Jeannie.
-Jeannie Kato.
-Those look marvellous.
May l? -Fantastic.
Try one, Melissa.
-Oh, l'd love to.
Why don't you try several? l'll be with you in a minute.
Jeannie Kato, these look beautiful.
Who do you think you're gonna fool with this disguise? lt is no disguise.
See? lf l had a houseboy that could cook like this l wouldn't pull his hair.
Marvellous.
You must give me the recipe for this.
-What do you call it? -Ragout à la Sinbad.
Why only the recipe? l think we ought to take Jeannie Kato to Europe with us.
-Would you like that? -Thou art going to Europe? -No.
-Yes.
We'll discuss this later, Melissa.
l'll be very happy to go with you wherever you go.
No, you wouldn't.
You wouldn't like it.
But he's such a treasure.
And good help is impossible to get.
Even harder to get rid of.
With dishes like Ragout à la Sinbad our embassy'd be the social centre of Europe.
Where in the world did you ever learn to cook like this? Where l come from, it is very common.
Very.
Where do you come from? -Constantinople.
-Philippines.
His mother travelled a lot.
Good night.
Don't forget.
Thank you, Jeannie Kato.
That was the best cake l've ever tasted in my whole life.
-Thank you.
-l'm sorry you won't come to Europe.
Who says he won't? We'll talk about this later, okay? Well, now, wait a minute.
Kato is not going to Europe.
As a matter of fact, l'm not going to Europe and neither is my wife.
Well, anything you say, darling.
Good night, Lis.
Good night, Dad.
Sir.
-Good night.
-Good night.
Dark-haired one will get her way.
She's very strong-minded.
Just keep out of this, fella.
We are going out! No.
l am going out.
l'm going to a bachelor party.
Oh, what's this '' bachelor's party''? lt's an old tradition, Jeannie.
Before a wedding, a bunch of happy, carefree bachelors get together and throw a party for the groom-to-be.
-l like parties.
-You can't come.
But why? Because women aren't allowed.
Now, smoke out.
-But l-- -Out! A million bottles on the beach, and l had to pick hers.
Get out! l just got here.
Well, glad to see you.
Well, is the condemned man ready for the--? Wait.
You do look like a condemned man.
Oh, come on.
Let's get this thing over with, huh? You sound like you're going to a hanging.
What's wrong? Nothing.
Nothing wrong with Melissa either.
She's a little strong-minded.
-Nothing wrong with that.
-Course not.
-She's intelligent, reasonable.
-Sure.
l'm lucky to have her.
You have last-minute jitters, haven't you? -Come on, we better get out of here.
-Yeah.
One hand.
Why don't we just drink up and forget all the shoptalk, okay? -Tony.
-Captain.
How about a toast to the best man? -Thank you very much, general.
-Here's to Grover.
Grover? Wait a minute.
lf he's the best man, what does that make me? The astronaut most likely to be in Port Moresby tomorrow.
We have a very important mission for you, captain.
-Will you excuse us, gentlemen? -Yes.
Of course, sir.
lf you'd rather have him for your best man why didn't you come out and say so instead of having your private general ship me to Australia? Private general? l didn't know about this.
Oh, sure you didn't.
Roger.
Roger, wait a minute.
l can straighten everything out.
Anything wrong, captain? -No, sir.
-You're not nervous about all this? Oh, well, a little.
You know how it is.
No, l don't.
l wish l did.
ln all the years l've been practicing psychiatry you're the most interesting person l've met.
-Oh, thank you, sir.
-Oh, l-- l was speaking clinically.
What do you find so interesting about me? Well, you don't fit into any known category.
One minute you're calm, the next, you're hysterical.
You passed the most difficult test the Air Force has devised yet, you hear voices.
You're a top scientist and you suffer from delusions.
You don't call that interesting? l can't wait to put you in a book.
-You need this.
-Well, thanks.
l'm afraid l have to be running along now.
But, captain.
-Yes.
Yes, sir? -l'll be seeing you.
Yes.
Well, here we go, lover-boy.
Time to cut the cake.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Where is it? Gentlemen, gather round.
Come on.
Let's go.
-What are you doing here? -l wanted to see your bachelor party.
-Get out of here.
-Tony.
-Sir.
-General.
lt is nice to see you again.
-Do we know each other? -Well, of course.
Oh, you do not remember.
You admired my cake.
Yeah, her cake, her ca-- Oh, her cake! -Oh, yes.
Yes.
-lt's beautiful.
Tony, l'll see you Saturday morning.
Saturday morning? -At your wedding.
-Oh, yes.
Yes, of course.
-Good night.
-Good night.
Good night.
He will make an excellent father-in-law for someone.
Yeah.
Salt of the earth.
-l hope l'm not intruding.
-Hello, Grover.
Jeannie, this is Grover Caldwell.
-lt is a pleasure.
-The pleasure's mine.
Well, by this time Saturday you and Melissa will be honeymooning in Honolulu.
-Jamaica.
-Honolulu.
Oh, didn't Melissa tell you? l'm sorry.
l'm sure she meant to.
Well, no, no.
it probably slipped her mind.
You and Melissa are old friends? We grew up together.
Melissa and l were inseparable in those days.
The horse show, water-skiing.
Even went to the same orthodontist.
By the time we had the braces taken off l was on my way to prep school, Melissa went to West Point.
Just lost track of each other.
Until a few weeks ago.
Melissa's very fond of you.
She spoke highly of you at dinner last night.
Oh, l'm very fond of her too.
lt's funny how things work out.
Melissa and l had such great dreams together and now in two days you two will be honeymooning in Honolulu.
-Jamaica.
-Oh, Honolulu.
-Jamaica.
-Honolulu.
-Jamaica.
-Don't count on it.
l know Melissa.
-So do l.
-So do l.
-l don't know what you're selling-- -Good morning.
-Morning, Tony.
-Come on in.
-Sit down.
-l'd rather stand, thank you.
-What's on your mind, Grover? -You're making a terrible mistake.
Which one? l mean, how do you mean? By not accepting the position as General Stone's military attaché.
lt's a unique opportunity careerwise.
lt can only offer enormous opportunities later on.
Well, l'm very thankful for your concern about my career but l don't think it's any of your business.
l feel that whatever has to do with Melissa is my business.
Obviously you're not thinking of her feelings.
lf you were, you'd see the enormous opportunity.
Okay.
All right.
l can't handle this without coffee.
Let me get dressed, and we'll discuss this over breakfast.
Make yourself-- Make yourself at home.
You do love me.
You've loved me for a long time.
Why have you k ept it such a secret? Oh, and I love you too.
I know now I've always loved you.
There is still time to mak e our dreams come true.
Oh, well, now where were we? She's too good for you! Melissa.
Tony.
Grover? Oh, it's all right, sir.
l think we're gonna be married.
-What? -That's right.
l've known Grover all my life and he waits until the day before my wedding to tell me that he loves me.
-But l thought you loved Tony.
-l did.
But he's just not the man l became engaged to.
l'm-- Well, l'm very disappointed in Tony.
He-- He lacks ambition.
Well, we can't all make general.
Well, l know.
All l wanted to do was to try to help him.
And he seems to resent it.
Well, on the day before your wedding, l'd say you have a problem.
Listen, Melissa, there's a few things l wanna get straightened out.
ln the first place, l don't want your ex-boyfriend telling me where l'm gonna honeymoon.
And l don't like my best man being picked for me.
And l don't like having plans made for my future -l brought you a drink.
-when l don't think it-- What? Thanks, Jeannie.
You must be a mind reader.
Oh, no.
No.
l cannot read minds, master.
But l have a friend, Nostradamus, who does a marvellous job.
l bet you do.
You know, l'm gonna miss you.
You know, you're-- You're really very nice.
l mean, take this, for instance.
l didn't even have to ask you for it.
And that dinner you made.
That was fantastic.
Well, of course it was fantastic.
But it was also delicious.
Well, l'm pleased that you enjoyed it, master.
Yeah.
You're always thinking of what l like.
You'd never send Roger to Australia, would you? And you wouldn't make plans for my honeymoon without consulting me, would you? Are you expecting Nostradamus or someone? Here.
You-- You stay out of sight.
l'll get this.
Well, speak of the devil.
l mean, we've been talking about you-- -l mean, l've been thinking-- Come in.
-Tony.
-l'm sorry.
-What? For disturbing you so late.
But Grover and l must talk to you.
As a matter of fact, l've been wanting to talk to you.
-Tony.
Tony, now, the simple truth is-- -Yeah.
-Grover.
-Melissa wants to marry me.
That is, Melissa and l want to be married.
l'm sorry, Tony.
lt's just that.
Well, you're-- You're not the man l became engaged to.
And l don't think you realize how much you've changed.
Oh, l know it hurts now.
But in time, you'll realize it's all for the best.
Well, l hope you two will be very happy together.
Thank you, Tony.
l hope you find the right girl.
l'm really not looking for anyone.
You're taking this very decently.
Well, we can't win them all.
What? Naturally, it'll hurt at first.
l'll just have to learn to live with it.
Goodbye, Tony.
Goodbye, Lis.
Grover.
Boy, was that close.
Thou wilt never know how close, master.
Well, things always work out for the best.
You mean you are not unhappy that your marriage was called off? Unhappy.
Unhappy? Jeannie, this is the first time in months l've felt absolutely free.
Oh, boy.
Oh, master, thou has a lot to learn.