Ideal (2005) s05e05 Episode Script

So don't forget to iron your shirt, OK? Also, I'm going to cut your nails.
Still three hours till we get married but already the nagging's started.
Trust me, your nails are way too long.
Some nights it's like I go to bed with Vera Drake.
I bet they're still asleep.
It's OK.
We've got plenty of time.
I'm on probation.
I bet they're out.
Whoa! No! You've already bet they're asleep.
You can't change your bet now.
They could be out and asleep somewhere else.
They're not out.
They're in.
My bet is that they can't hear us over their loud music.
OK.
You know the weird part? I don't hear any loud music.
Headphones probably.
Can't see any movement.
Oh, no, hang on, hang on, hang on No.
He's forgotten.
No.
He's not forgotten.
He said he'd help us prepare for the wedding and that's what he'll do.
He won't let us down cos Moz is the best mate a man can have.
Moz! Moz! Where are you, you useless bastard? This is the happiest day of my life, you big cockhead! Jenny? Moz? Come on, let's go.
Oh! Mornin' Moz.
Jenny.
You all right? I'm all right.
Where have you been? Down the cells.
I got busted last night.
But now it's all sorted? They found heroin as well as weed.
Shit! But it's not gonna be a problem, is it? Legal Aid bloke said that some smack dealers get 15 years.
Yeah, but you'll just get a fine.
What do you know about it, Rumpole? Stop being so unnecessarily reassuring.
You didn't forget about helping us with our wedding preparations, did you? Erm, do I look stupid? Course we didn't forget.
Me and Jenny are gonna be there for you.
Just remind us what date it is again.
So what exactly are your wedding preparations? I need to fix my hair.
And talk to Jenny about nail polish.
And I need to shave, shovel meself into me suit and skin up.
And cut your nails.
I'll take care of the skinnin' up.
Anythin' to help lighten the load.
Anything else we can do for you? Can you be our witnesses? What? Like for an accident? Almost definitely.
Are you still OK about us bringing the guests back here? Still OK? It's the first I've heard about it.
No.
I'm sure I asked you.
When? In passing.
In passing what? Water? Wind? Out? Course you can bring folk back here.
Apparently the venue manager says it's OK.
Jen? What's up? Woo! I were just havin' a bite-size migraine.
And another thing.
We brought a camera.
- Can you take some photos? - No worries.
They call it automatic, but you still got to point it.
Where's the focus? That's my shaver.
I hope I haven't cracked the lens.
Oh, it's you! Moz, it's that bastard.
Look, Jenny, I just want to say Talk to your handset.
Because my ears are lookin' somewhere else.
You've got a nerve comin' back here.
MozI had no choice.
GERMAN ACCENT: "I voz only obeying orders.
" Well, yeah.
Me, an officer of the law, walking into your living room.
You've got a huge bag of smack and there's a documentary camera crew in there.
I couldn't not bust you.
Why didn't you think on your feet? You could've pretended you were a stripagram.
What if my superiors had seen me? On national television, entering a drug dealer's flat and not arrestin' him, but stripping off to It's Not Unusual! You're too worried about your cred.
Bein' a copper isn't about cred.
It's not 1955.
You would have done the same in my position.
I would never be in your position.
I'm a rebel through and through and through.
Not a lap dog of the forces of oppression.
What were you doin' wi' heroin anyway? Weenin' meself off cannabis.
Can't we still be mates? Let's think You were shagging me girlfriend behind me back, then you shacked up with her.
And now you've busted me and put me on a course for prison.
So all things being equal Well, that's just overreacting! And it's assaulting a police officer! Yeah? Well, you'll be seein' me in court anyway, so why don't we do a two for one? This isn't a chair, blood.
It's a gateway to another dimension.
I'm makin' you an offer on the chair, blood.
You're not havin' me chair! 50 notes.
Forget it.
75.
Please don't bid.
I'm not auctioning the chair.
85? I just said don't bid.
No biddin'! 90 quid? Are you mental? It can't be that special.
Ooh, I dunno, though.
I can see what you mean.
That's pretty bloody comfy.
100! What?! Stop bidding! 150.
Will you tell 'em? Was that a bid? Where do you lot think you are? Sotheby's? Well, I'm sorry - the reserve price hasn't been met.
So you can all get knotted! I'm not acceptin' phone bids either.
All right, Mikhail? Got you.
Right.
We're sorted.
Two Rusky lasses, Stephanie and Nicole, are being delivered at noon tomorrow.
I don't believe it.
We're gonna help 'em get their visas.
Eventually.
Have any of you actually thought about what it is you're getting involved in? Human traffickin'! People are always gonna need other people.
Very profound, Hugh Hefner.
What's that thing that you're supposed to have? Um Something borrowed, something that goes with blue, a doe, a deer, a female deer? We don't do all of that in Spain.
What Spanish wedding traditions do you have? We get drunk.
Oh! Foreign! I'd better go.
Otherwise it'll end up like that time you, me and Moz had that threesome.
Excuse me? Oh, I probably shouldn't have mentioned that.
Not on your wedding day.
Probably best if we just all forget all about it.
I can't forget about it.
I only just HEARD about it! I'll just go and get changed.
You don't even know what these girls look like.
For all you know, it could be Stalin in a dress and her ugly sister.
Well, you'll be able to check 'em out yourself, won't you? When they come here at 12 tomorrow.
What? No! Why are they being delivered here? Because it's the least likely place.
Exactly! So take 'em to the most likely place.
We were only busted last night! This is first chance I've had reconsecrating the ground.
You don't reschedule the Russian mafia.
Russian mafia? I thought it was those two blokes from Bradford.
They live in Bradford.
They come from Vladivostok.
They won't feel the benefit then, will they? So, we're workin' with the Bradford branch of the Russian mafia? Yes.
Is any part of that a problem? Well, I suppose Good! My only quibble is with you settin' yourselves up as white slavery barons.
See you at 12 tomorrow.
Listen, I'm not havin' any test drivin' goin' on here.
You pick 'em up and then you leave.
And after that I don't want to see any of you ever again.
You're not welcome here.
Do I make myself clear? All right, lads? Please say you'll come to the party tonight.
Definitely! I'd love to come.
Course, Jen.
We'll make a POINT of being here.
Bye, Morris.
So, how was your threesome? Obviously it wasn't so good you wanted to tell me about it.
All I can say in my defence is 1) It wasn't my idea.
2) I didn't enjoy it.
In fact none of us enjoyed it.
We hated it.
And 3) I never thought a prostitute would be tellin' me off for having a threesome.
Sure, I sleep with clients.
For money! To live! If you want to start earning the big bucks, go ahead.
But you broke my trust.
Carmel, I'm really, really, really dead sorry.
Watch the dress! You are wet.
Can we still get married? Yes.
But you are on probation.
I can live with that.
If I may be permitted to point out, m'lord To point out, m'lord although the heroin was indeed secreted Although the heroin had been secreted secreted at my place of residence by a third party, or possibly a fourth or fifth party.
Objection! Objection overruled! I must be able to point out, m'lord, that I had no intention of selling the heroin.
No intentions of selling the heroin! Retainin' possession Or retaining possession of it.
Or doing owt dodgy.
Your witness.
You ready for the off? Yeah.
No, I was just dreaming.
I think I was probably asleep.
God, I hope I wasn't in my coma again.
Cheers.
Soz, mate.
Didn't catch your name.
Ooh, Moz, Jamie.
Jamie, Moz.
Ain't he scrummy? Nice to meet you.
Brian tells me you're definitely going to prison.
Thanks for spearheadin' me support group, Brian.
No worries, Papillion.
Do you fancy a bop? Oh, yeah.
So, is this how you imagined your wedding day, then? Never really gave it any thought, really.
I mean, blokes don't get married, do they? It's more of a woman's thing.
I think you'll find it works out more 50/50.
Happy for us? Yeah, course I am.
Happy for anyone who ain't gonna be spendin' their future in prison.
Say cheese! What if, blood, what if I dropped it out the window and you caught it? I can't catch falling furniture! I've got no depth perception.
Eva Braunplus one.
We'll have no trouble here, sir.
Listen, the reason we're here is for Colin and Carmel.
This is a wedding reception, OK? Not Gladiators.
Just as well cos if I had a giant cotton bud, you'd be history.
Hey! 10 minutes wi' me, pal You'd be truncheon meat.
Zip it, the pair of you! Judith! Hi, Moz.
Cartoon Head.
I should warn you, Psycho Paul an' his gang are in t'front room.
Thing is, it's not really that kind of party.
It's OK.
Cartoon Head promises not to shoot anybody don't you? Funnily enough, I saw him on the way here.
I offered the taxi driver 50 quid to do a hit and run.
But he wasn't interested.
Men! That is SO true.
All men are absolutely identical.
I don't know how you girls manage to tell us apart.
You can't live without them and you can't not live with them.
I best get this.
Hello! I see.
Well, that is problematic.
Well, why don't you STAB YOURSELF IN THE FACE! That was my ex.
I don't know why he keeps ringing me.
There.
You must never go out If there's a chance of falling You must never go out If there's a chance at all You must stay in bed And count your toes Hide your head Under the bedclothes Hush away and hope the world Will notice you.
MOZ: Jenny? Jenny? Jenny, you OK? Yeah.
I'm just a bit pissed.
I probably just need a bong.
Almost definitely.
I'm so glad we met, Brian.
I knew you fancied me cos somebody said you'd been askin' questions about me down Schlongfellows.
I wanted to make sure you were who I thought you were.
Oh, yeah? Who am I then? You're my dad.
What? What are you gobbin' on about? My mum is Natalie Rivers.
Natalie? I haven't seen Natalie for about 25 year.
What makes you so sure I'm your dad? She put your name on the birth certificate.
Did she? So what? You talk as if a birth certificate's a legal document.
But look at me.
Do I not remind you of a younger you? No.
You remind me of a younger someone I've never met.
Anyway, apart from anything else, you're the only man me Mum ever slept with.
After you two split up, she became a lesbian.
HmmI seem to remember havin' that effect on a few women back then.
Is it a compliment? I can't tell.
Oh, shit.
Me a dad.
I didn't know I had it in me.
I'd forgotten I'd had it in Natalie.
So, how is your mum? She's gone.
Oh.
I'm sorry to hear that.
And sort of relieved.
She got gender reassigned.
It's Nathaniel now.
Right, so you've lost a mum and gained two dads.
Bargain.
What's she like as a man? Not very convincing.
He kept the tits.
See, that's just greedy.
Can I get his number? It's like that show Who Do You Think You Are? More like What Do You Think You're Doin'? What's the matter? Well, if we're father and son, what about what happened last night? I needed closure.
Come on.
Let's have another dance.
So when you leavin'? Tomorrow night.
We're flyin'.
By plane.
My parents have a farm in Portugal.
Aw, I wish we were coming with you on your honeymoon.
Slightly goes against the spirit of the thing, don't you think? You could come though.
Just, you know, flee the country.
Oh, let's go to Portugal, Moz! I've always wanted to see the Reichstag.
You and me, Moz.
The sun beatin' down on us.
Listen, I got busted by the cops last night.
They're not gonna let me just waltz out of the country.
You think Interpol has been informed? No, but I bet they've put a stop on me passport.
You see.
Soon as I get to customs, alarms'll be goin' off everywhere, security guards abseiling down on coloured ropes, knives clenched between their teeth.
Give us 200 quid.
I'll get you some passports.
You could have completely new identities.
Great! Cos my old one's about to run out.
Hiya! Come in.
I like your party outfits.
All right, girls? We thought we'd lost you.
Where have you been? They have just been next door.
That's all right then.
I can tell Rainbow still fancies you.
What makes you say that? Women can read the signs.
The way she looks at you, her body language, the way she said she still fancies you! Oh, you heard that, did you? It's not relevant, anyway.
I'm not interested in Rainbow.
She's high maintenance.
And what am I? Low maintenance? Wipe clean? I thrive on neglect, do I? You know that's not what I'm saying.
So, are you not gonna wash your hands, then? Yeah.
Course.
Just Cos it's a party I thought You'd spread your germs around! It's not really workin' out, is it? What? You and me.
I mean, y'know nightmare.
It worked as an affair.
Why isn't it working as a relationship? What's changed? You know sometimes when you go to the cinema and you see a really amazing trailer? And you think, "I'll go and see that".
And then you watch the film and you realise they put all the best bits in the trailer.
So, maybe our affair was a bit like a trailer.
It had all the best bits in it? Yeah.
And, you know, now the DVD's out, there's not even any special features.
What's that supposed to mean? Commentaries, behind the scenes featurettes, alternate endings, outtakes, bloopers, easter egg, regional theatrical trailer, animatics, conceptual art In terms of our relationship, what does that mean? Well, you know, we never I suppose what I mean is I mean we We I don't know what I mean.
So you gonna wash your hands or not? Yeah.
Done.
Is that what you want? Livin' abroad with Juanita and Juan? We don't have to stay with them forever.
But if we stay here, you're probably goin' to jail.
I suppose you'll wait for me, won't you? Well, obviously I'd start off with good intentions.
But15 years is a long time.
Let's be realistic, I'm bound to get pissed and cop off with another fella sooner or later.
Thanks for not sugar-coatin' it.
I am sugar-coatin' it.
It would definitely be sooner.
OK.
I'm gettin' your message very loudly.
It's almost distortin'.
I want us to be together, Moz.
More than anything.
Who knows how much time we've got, anyway? I just want to have a normal life, like everybody else.
Please can we go on the run from the cops? Well, it can't do any harm I suppose.
So, what are you thinking? We're gonna come with you! Portugal, here we come.
I can't see you regrettin' this, Moz.
Apparently, it's so hot there that you can dry your washing in the rain.
Jen, I don't know if I can do it.
I'm not sure I can live anywhere else.
You could live in prison.
Yeah, but But But I might end up just gettin' a fine and then we won't have to flee to Costa Colin.
We won't know that until it's too late.
I suppose so.
It's just I'm really gonna miss me mates.
There's 200 quid.
Get me them fucking passports! Everything has to run like clockwork today.
I could create a diversion.
What was that? Steve, you go and finish turning your flat into a brothel.
What are you doing? I'm following you.
That'snice.
If you'd been scrummier, I would have bummed you.
If you're so clever, how come I can't understand you? Show us Galavashash.
I don't know what it is.
Then everybody die.
Is very sad.
Isn't it, though?