Impastor (2015) Episode Scripts

N/A - Honor Thy Boyfriend's Father and Mother

You're Alexa now.
I guess I should get this changed.
Alexa, is he hassling you? Because if he is, tell me.
Let me help.
When I was a teenager, I was involved in a bank robbery.
Holy shit.
All right, he's going to come after us.
Parole officers are public record.
You son of a bitch.
The local police should be here in about ten minutes.
You got two choices.
Wait here, go back to prison, or take off now and see if you can outrun them.
Maybe there's a third choice.
Yeah? What's that? Oh, God.
Oh, God! Hey, you all right in there? Yeah.
Heard a noise.
I had to whack a giant cockroach.
Should get a refund.
And I should have this rotten tooth removed, but what are you gonna do? Okay, what should I do? Call the cops? No.
They'd ask who I was.
Just leave? No.
Black Tooth saw me.
I had to get rid of the body.
Hey, Alexa.
It went great.
He totally bought the whole parole-officer bluff.
Yeah, I don't think we're ever gonna see him again.
Pastor! Alden? What brings you to this remote wilderness lake? Well, bass.
Uh, Shepherd Lake's known for it.
What is going on down there? Baptism! I'm doing a Baptism! May this sinner be cleansed in the healing waters of Christ! Alden, do you mind? It's a private ceremony.
Praise Jesus! Well, congratulations, sir.
Welcome to the kingdom of the Lord! May God save your soul And my ass.
It'd been a week since I dumped Kenny into Shepherd Lake, and so far, it looked like he was staying there.
So I could finally relax again and enjoy the pleasures of small-town life.
Buddy! Hi! These are my parents, Susie and Roger.
Mom, Dad, this is Pastor Jonathan Barlow.
- How you doing? - Hey! We've heard so much about you on our Skypes.
Our Russy is your number-one fan.
Well, I'm a big fan of your Russy and not just 'cause we're both gay.
What? Yeah, I know, I don't give off that vibe, but I like dudes Big-time, almost as much as this guy.
Is that true? Are you gay? Surprise.
Well this has been something that happened.
Excuse me.
Alexa, I need to talk to you about your book club selection - The Velvet Orchid.
- Pretty juicy, huh? Yes, a little too juicy for my taste, I mean, especially that opening scene where Olivia's involved in the act of you know.
I do, but I'd love to hear you say it.
Pleasuring herself below the waist and above the knee.
Oh, what's the big deal? Everybody masturbates.
Uh, no, everybody poops, which, by the way, would be a more appropriate book choice.
You do pet the kitty, right? Oh, honey.
If you must know, I tried it once in high school, - and it didn't work.
- One time? That's it? Yes, and then the harder I tried, the more frustrated I got, and then my hand cramped, and the whole thing was just very unpleasant.
That's your problem.
You need to relax.
Take your time.
Romance yourself.
Romance myself? Yeah.
Set the mood.
Light a candle, and then when you are feeling nice and comfy, read page 44, and I guarantee, kablammo.
Kablammo? Kablammo.
Okay, in my defense, how could I have known they didn't know, and how could they not know, you know? They don't know because every time they come to town, I put up Kate Upton posters and take the dent out of my throw pillows.
I have spent years creating the illusion that I am a raging hetero.
Okay, first of all, heteros don't rage, and second, how could they not know? I was gonna tell them in due time, but now you've blown that.
Or did the work for you.
You're welcome.
Oh, you do not know what you have done.
All afternoon Mom has been passive aggressively knitting, and Dad has been muttering to himself and watching golf, which is pretty much what they always do, but this time it was judgy! I can feel it.
Russell, I'm sorry, but it's done.
There's nothing I can do about it.
You could come to dinner.
How's that gonna help? Look, my mom is super religious.
My dad is into sports.
You're both of those things.
You're like the perfect gay ambassador.
I don't know dinner with your family.
Please, you are exactly what they need to see right now a respected Christian leader with flawless skin.
And the bon vivance of a Camelot-era Kennedy.
Seriously? They had no idea? Well, now, who are those for one of your birds? No, and, you know, it's really none of your beeswax.
Now, I was just joking.
I was just making sport of the fact that you never seem to have a date, so I do have a date tonight, in fact, and I am very excited about it.
Well, then good for you.
You know, Hilva threw her back out moving a coffin, so I've got to pick up the flowers for the Davenport funeral.
You're welcome to bring your date if you like.
They're having cannolis.
Oh, okay.
I do like a cannoli.
Oh, is that what you're wearing.
I got to wear pink now? Dad, you look fine.
Mom, olive pits go in the little bowl, please.
- Hey.
- Thank you for doing this.
Come in.
Sorry about before.
No, no, us.
Roger and I were just - a little caught off guard.
- A little? It was a jolt in the shorts.
Who wants wine? All right, here we go.
Thank you.
Maybe we should have a toast.
Roger? Well, it's not like I prepared anything, but here's to Russell and his friend.
Oh, Roger, they're more than friends.
They're sharing their lives together.
To the happy couple.
- The what? - I told them, honey.
Please, go with it.
Wow, Russy.
I thought we weren't going to use tongue in front of the parents? What the hell was that? In my defense, they were going on and on about how worried they are that gay men are promiscuous, so I lied and said we are in a monogamous relationship.
And then jammed your tongue down my throat.
Let's not forget that part.
I know I won't.
Aw, that's sweet.
Look, can't you please just go along with this? It would really make up for you outing me in public against my will.
- I don't know.
- It's only two days.
We don't even have to do anything unless you want to.
"Okay" you want to? Or - Don't push it.
- Okay.
No kablammo.
Really? We may have to go another way.
Have you ever considered a vibrator.
Keep your voice down.
There is one called The Silver Secret.
It's perfect for you.
It's hands-free.
You control it with your phone, using Bluetooth.
They sell them at Krinsky's Drugstore.
Well, I was thinking of swinging by there for some chewable vitamins, anyway.
Of course, I'll have to wait for a day when Janice Goggins isn't working the register.
Do you know that she once sold me Pepto, and for the next week, the whole town called me Dora-rhea? I remember.
So, Buddy, tell us when was the moment you knew our Russy was right for you? I remember I was in the kitchen.
Russell was having a dinner party, much like this one, and the next thing you know, - we are together.
- Aw.
I knew the moment we met in the church, remember? You were wearing a fitted, white V-neck T, a black leather jacket with a lightweight hoodie, and a medium-wash, cotton-blend jean that matched your piercing blue eyes.
And what was Russy wearing? You know, clothes.
Isn't he delightful? Right back at you, Russy-poo.
You know, in addition to being a pastor, Mom, Buddy is also into sports, Dad.
A sports guy, huh? I don't suppose you're into drag racing, are you? Don't know a thing about it except that Big Daddy Jim Daniels is defending his NHRA crown at Judson Raceway tomorrow.
That's what I'm talking about.
You want to check it out? I'm in.
How about you, Russy-poo? Up for a little drag race? I'll pass.
Now, if it were RuPaul's Drag Race, then you'd be singing my song.
I can't believe I just said that in front of my parents.
I love being out.
So, Roger, you want to give me a hand? Excuse us.
Go ahead, hon.
I think it's going pretty well.
I know.
Isn't it weird how right this feels? - Please take your hand off my thigh.
- Uh-huh.
Well, this is definitely not the weekend I was expecting.
Well, I guess we shouldn't be completely surprised.
His voice mail was sung to the tune of Candle in the Wind.
The main thing is he seems happy.
He really does.
I have a good feeling about those two.
I guess it's time I ran a little background check on this Jonathan Barlow.
Oh, Roger, is that necessary? Hey, if I had done a quicker check on that deadbeat our Stacey was going out with, she wouldn't have ended up with a broken heart and bad credit.
Besides, once an FBI guy always an FBI guy.
Ah, we meet again, huh? Hi, Alden.
What you got back there? Just personal items.
Oh, oh, got the squirts again? Don't you have an injured wife to attend to? Oh, that reminds me.
Hilva says she may not be able to make book club today.
Oh, well, I hope she can come.
I hope everybody can come because everybody deserves to come, even if it is harder for some people than it is for others.
You know, try some cheese.
That'll stop you up.
Here we go.
Oh, my.
Oh, my Hey, this isn't the way to Judson.
You ever been to Shepherd Lake? Can't say I have.
We're gonna make a little pit stop.
I don't know if Russell told you, but I'm retired FBI.
No, Russy-poo failed to mention that.
Learned a few things about you Pastor Barlow.
You and I need to talk.
I share this place with a few FBI fishing buddies.
Thing about Shepherd Lake is you never know what you're going to catch.
Is that so? I had to keep my cool.
There was no way he could know about the dead body in the lake.
Could he? Sit down.
Not there.
Make yourself comfortable.
Am I in trouble here, Dad? Can I can I call you "Dad"? I did a little fishing this morning.
You see, Jonathan, I love my son.
And as long as you're dating him, I need to make sure that everything about you is on the up-and-up.
So this is a father-son thing, not an FBI thing? I'm glad we got that settled.
Should we hit the track? Corn dogs on me.
I did a cursory background check, and I have a few questions about Jonathan Barlow.
Well, who better to ask than me Jonathan Barlow? Book club! Well, let's just go ahead and start.
I'm here.
I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry I'm late.
You didn't miss anything.
Oh, Alden, hi.
What are you doing here? Hilva's back is still out.
I'm supposed to call her so I can repeat her book opinions verbatim.
Now, how do I hook up this this earphone doo-dad.
So let's discuss The Velvet Orchid.
Well, it is silver.
How about that slam-bang beginning? Oh, no.
Hilva, can you hear me? Oh, my.
Excuse me.
Now, uh, Hilva, are you there? Hilva, can you hear me? Ah.
Dora, are you okay? It's still in.
Up, down.
Yep! Yep.
Help me.
Oh, all right, I'm getting nothing.
Up, down, up, down, up, down.
Alden - Oh, my God.
- Let me do that.
Ah! Oh, yes.
- Oh, my.
- Oh.
Um, you know, let's all give Dora a hand for that amazing reenactment of the opening scene, right? Oh, is that what that was? 'Cause I did not read the book.
It was.
So, to be clear, the purpose of your 2003 visit to the former Soviet Union was tourism.
Are you still a Russian sympathizer? I do like their dressing.
Would you care to elaborate? On salads and the occasional Reuben.
It says here you were once married to a Kelly Patterson.
Big mistake.
She and I were totally wrong for each other.
"She"? Kelly was a man.
Yeah? But I called him my bitch.
You were only together for six months.
Why was that? Well, he wasn't just a bitch.
He was a son of a bitch.
Plus, he had problems with his, you know His wiener.
I think we're done here.
You passed.
I'll meet you in the car.
I'm gonna hit the can.
When you've failed as many job interviews as I have, you know when you've screwed the pooch.
Agent Herman, please.
Hi, Mark.
Listen, can you run me a full background check on a Jonathan Barlow from Richmond, Virginia? Pictures, records, everything.
One hour? Perfect.
Yeah, perfect.
Russell, could I see you in the kitchen, please? Why are you guys home so early? Well this one had a headache.
- Oh, no, can I get you some aspir - No time.
Russell, kitchen, now.
He's in one of his moods.
The only reason Roger needed that FBI check was because I was dating his son.
So - We have to end this.
- What? Why? God.
Yeah, he's totally pissed we're being deceitful to your parents.
We need to come clean now.
I can't do that.
They're so proud of me for finally being honest.
If they find out I'm lying again, they'll lose all trust in me.
Hey, Mark.
What'd you find out? Emailed you that intel on Barlow, but, uh, it bounced back.
Susie, what's our new email? I can't believe you're breaking up with me! You know what? I blame you two.
If you hadn't raised him with such good Christian values, he'd be okay with me being promiscuous and hooking up with lots of dudes, even Russians.
Hang on, Mark.
Last chance, Russell monogamy or me? I'm sorry, Buddy.
I have to let you go.
It was great while it lasted.
Never mind.
It doesn't matter anymore.
It was close, but I was officially out of the woods.
Man, this is a big one! What the hell?