Joey s01e04 Episode Script

Hey Mich Are you studying again? You realize how depressing that is to come home to? Depressing as coming home to an empty lasagna tray? Touché, Michael.
It's just a reminder of the fact that I have no social life out here.
I'm the worst dry spell ever.
My dry spell lasted 20 years but go on.
I mean, in New York, if you see a pretty girl, you can just walk right up to her you know.
But here they're all in cars.
They go whipping pass me like a million miles an hour.
Like today I saw this pretty girl driving toward me.
So I make a U-turn and get a ticket for $800.
$800 for a U-turn? Yeah! We may have been on a freeway at the time but I just wish I had a regular place where I could go and meet woman.
You could go to bars.
No, I'm getting too old for that.
Plus I'm not great at telling wether or not they're gay bars before I go in.
By the way, if Ramon calls, I am not here.
Joey, come here.
Look at this! The world is a freaking joke.
Cargo pants are five minutes ago? The world is a freaking joke! No, the thing about the celebrity hairstylist.
I went to cosmetology school with that girl and she was terrible.
She burnt way more hair than I did.
And I burnt some hair.
Now I have to read about her living the glamourous life and rubbing elbows with celebrities.
That should be me.
You cut my hair, I'm on TV.
No offense, but you're only slightly more famous than my client who shot her husband.
Hello, giant plate of sandwiches! - Joey, listen - Hey, Michael! Didn't even see you there.
Hands off! These are for my book club tonight.
Book club here, in my own home? God! It's like I'm living at the Playboy Mansion.
Stay away from the sandwiches.
Watch him, mom.
I can't believe this.
It's so upsetting when people with less talent than you are more successful.
Yeah, like that dog from that beer commercial.
Couldn't catch a Frisbee on cue.
Works all the time! You should ask your agent to hook me up.
She has lots of famous clients who need to get their hair done.
Just show them my portfolio.
I'm sure she will be impressed.
I could show it to her but i'm not so sure she will be impressed.
All the hairstyles are modelled by Michael even the women's.
- So? - So that Dorothy Hammel haircut with the heavy make-up.
We're lucky he's not burying bodies in the backyard.
Joey! What are you doing here? Why aren't you out there getting work? Didn't have any auditions today.
Sure! Put it all on me! What's that? It's a portfolio of hairstyles.
What? Who's the model? I'd like to keep that little piece of chicken in my pocket and snack on him all day! That's my nephew.
We can see who has the looks in your family.
Anyway my sister is a hairdresser and that's her portfolio.
I was hoping maybe you could show it to some of your clients.
Absolutely! Hi, Halle Berry.
My client has a sister who's a barber.
Could she do your hair for the Oscars? What did she say? Joey! I'm not here to do your personal favors.
Let me explain how this agent thing works.
First, you become famous.
And then I'll kiss your ass.
But until then, le'ts keep it strictly professional.
Okay, sorry.
I understand.
Leave the pictures of the boy toy.
Well, hello! Are you here for book club? I am now! What did you think of this week's book? I found it extremely fictional.
Joey! Joey! Can i just talk to you for one second? Yeah.
Sorry.
What are you doing? You didn't tell me there were pretty ladies in the nerd club.
You gotta let me in.
- Look, I don't know.
- Come on, Michael! You can't keep me out of a room full of women.
If I was in charge of a room full of boring stuff.
I'd let you in.
Look, this isn't one of those book clubs where people just come to mingle, right? It's a place to discuss litterature not pick up girls.
Oh my god! Jane's here! Jane Hi Michael! I brought an icecream cake.
It's great! It's great.
It's great to see you.
Great book! So great! It was a little slow at the beginning but great overall.
Did you think it was great? The cake is cold.
My hands are getting numb.
Not a place to pick up girls? What? Jane? No! Are you kidding? No, never.
Great! Great.
Great! Great All right! I love her so much! So ask her out! No, book club has a strict no dating rules.
And I'm the president.
She's my vice-president.
The scandal would tear our administration apart.
Michael, you have to seize this moment.
The love between two nerds is a rare and fragile thing.
I want to! I can't go against the rules without a motion being passed.
So I'll make a motion.
You're not a member.
There's an approuval process.
Well, I motion you suspend it on account of me being the sole payer of rent of the whole book club's headquarters.
I second the motion.
The motion's passed.
I motion for a presidential exemption to the "no dating" rule.
I second the motion.
The motion's passed.
I motion that you and me eat that entire icecream cake right now.
Motion denied.
M.
chairman, you're out of order.
Great book club tonight.
Lively discussions and I've got 5 phone numbers.
The girls are crazy about you.
What's your secret? There's no trick.
Women just wanna be listened to.
So when they talk, I pretend to listen and go like this So, how did it go with Jane? Did you ask her out? No.
Just 'cause I wanna wait 'till next wek's meeting so I can set the move.
So I picked a romantic book and I asked her to come over right before just to help me write out the discussion questions.
Nice, nice.
What's the book? Jane Austin's Pride And Prejudice.
It's a tale of manners and courtships at 19th century royal England.
I hope you enjoy reading that.
Joey! If you're gonna be in this book club, you have to read the book.
The whole notion of Stop that! Stop it! - Hey, guys! - Hey, ma! So is your agent gonna send me any clients? No.
Actually Bobby has been really busy so I don't know if you shoud expect a call.
Your agent? She did call.
Really? Yeah, it was weird.
She called me her litlle chicken nugget then made a bunch of slurping noises.
That's just showbiz talks.
Can't believe you don't know anyone famous! If you hadn't turned down that hit show, you'd have so many connections that could help me right now.
Yeah, that's what I regret most about that decision.
I'm sorry to bug you but did you get some of my mail by mistake? I didn't my People Magasine.
And the post office said they delivered it today.
Gina, weren't you reading that earlier? What's the problem I'm not good enough to steal your magasine? That's okay.
I think it's upstairs.
Have a sit.
I'll go get it.
No, that's okay.
You don't have to leave us alone.
- So, tell me.
Do you - This isn't a social hour.
What famous people do you know? Well my college friend Jessica is married a big time movie producer.
Does she wear really expensive gowns and get her hair all the time up and go to big premieres? Yeah, all the time.
She goes to one like every week.
You're lying to impress me.
No, I'm not lying.
She's a really good friend of mine.
Yeah, right! I'd like to see you ask her to let me do her hair for her next premiere.
All right, I will! Wait! What just happened? I'm really good, I swear! I just need a chance.
If you call her and set it up, I'll be nice to you.
For how long? - Name your terms - Two weeks.
- Done.
- I should have said three.
And now you're down to one.
- Hey! - Hello! Listen, tonight at book club, don't have Diane seat next to Maureen.
Why? I may be dating both of them exclusively.
Oh my god! That's Jane! Alright, I'll get out of here until book club starts.
I'll be in my room reading the book.
And listen to some soft rock hit of the 70s.
Can you believe someone threw this out? No Hi.
Wow! Come in.
I'm sorry.
You look great.
Thanks! You look I don't know.
I can't see without my glasses.
I probably shouldn't have driven here.
So Did you enjoy the book? Oh yeah! It's pretty romantic.
Very.
- So I wanted to ask you - Don't mind me.
Just grabbing a snack.
Reading makes me hungry! Sorry Just call me angel So I was.
.
I was just thinking that maybe we could loosen up thye rules of the book club.
Oh, okay.
Like maybe we could strike the "no-dating" rules from the by laws.
- Oh yes! Let's do that! - Okay! Okay! Consider it stroken.
Okay, great! So we can date people on book club? Yes, we can.
So what's up with your uncle? I'm sorry.
Do you think he would go out with me? He mentionned he was single last time.
And I was hoping you would say something for me.
I'm gonna read in the courtyard.
Give you two some privacy.
- Hey! - Hey.
Just wanted to tell you guys to be sure to watch TV tonight.
I just did Alex's friend's hair or the premiere and she's gonna be on the red carpet.
How did it go? I was a little nervous at first.
She's a very fancy lady.
She was drinking martinis and sitting with her legs crossed.
But then I got into it and instinct just took over.
I did this beautiful old Hollywood style updo.
Congratulations.
I gotta go tell, Michael.
No, no, no! He's in there with a girl.
He's in there with a girl and you're reading a book What is this Freaky Friday? Alright.
I guess I'll go tell Blondie how it went.
Call her Alex.
You promised you were gonna be nice.
Only one more day of that and some stuff is gonna happen.
Five minutes left I gotta buckle down! Hey, little snail! Hi, Joey! Diane, Maureen! You two know each other? Oh yeah! We're good friends.
I did not know that! Come on in! Hi, Joey! What's up! Listen, Michael, I didn't exactly finish the book, okay? So don't call on me.
You're unbelievable.
- What? - Come on.
What's the matter? Did you ask Jane out? No, because she wants to go out with you.
Dude, I'm so sorry.
- Obviously, I would never - You totally screwed this up for me.
I didn't mean to.
I barely said two words to her.
You didn't have to.
You came to last week's meeting with your game face on.
Looking to score.
And it worked.
You're like a big blob of sex.
And you use your charm all over the girl I like.
I am not a sex blob! Okay? And this is not my fault.
I'm sorry if she likes me but I didn't do anything wrong.
I should never have let you in.
Should we get started? Yes! Come, Joey! Let's go talk about the book we all read.
Nothing past page 4! Hey! I wanted to call and tell you what a great Book clud is starting, everybody! Book club! Okay.
So who wants to start? I thought Joey, what did you think of Pride and Prejudice? Let's hear it.
What were some of the central themes? - Well, pride was one.
- Yeah.
And of course prejudice which is wrong.
And what did you think of Darcy? She was good.
Darcy's a man.
But not in the modern sense.
Is that what you're saying, Joey? Yes, it is.
Yes, it is, Maureen.
Thank you.
It's interesting.
It's very interesting.
He didn't read the book! The only reason he's here is to pick up women.
Now, in the interest of maintaining the integrity of book club, I motion that we kick Joey out.
Who seconds? Come on! He didn't read the book.
Neither did I.
Me neither.
I saw the movie.
There was a movie! Did anyone here read the book? You put too much pressure on us, Michael? A book a week? It's just gotten really stressful.
How is reading stressful? Reading is fun! It's fun! Okay! Okay! Let's not turn this into a hostage situation! If you want me to leave, I will.
No! You know what? I'm just gonna go.
Okay.
It's almost time for the big premiere.
I made pop-corn.
Nice place.
Who's the knock-out with the tiara? That's my sister Nancy.
She was Queen of the Rose Parade.
You're cute but maybe you shouldn't stand next to her in family pictures.
Yeah.
That's what my mom says.
I really appreciate you helping me out.
I know I mess with you sometimes but it's just for fun.
Oh yeah! that is fun.
So this is actually kind of nice.
Being friendly.
Maybe we could keep it up a little longer than a week.
I phisically can't.
Oh my god, it's on! George Clooney I would wear him down to a knob.
Yeah.
I would have bunches of sex with him.
Oh my god! I think that's Jessica's husband getting out of the limo.
Oh my god! This is exciting.
There she is! Wow! She actually looks very good! Not that I'm surprised.
I mean when I said actually, I didn't mean What? What's wrong? She took it down.
What? That wasn't the style I gave her.
She must have taken it out in the limo.
She hated it.
I can't believe this.
I'm so sorry.
I knew when I walked in there I was out of my league.
But I spent two hours trying to fake it.
Oh no! There! There! I can't believe I ever thought I could do this.
I just don't fit in with rich people.
They look down on me.
They always have and they'll always will.
With their grammar and their leg-crossing.
Hey! Don't be saying that, girfriend! Okay, look.
I grew up with money and I don't look down on you.
If anything, I envy you.
Come on! It's true! I wish I were as strong and as confident as you.
And if it were me, I'd be more than happy to have you do my hair.
Really? You mean that? Absolutely! So can we do it right now? Now? Now seems so soon.
Look, Micheal.
It's Joey.
I know you're mad.
Hope you come home soon so we can talk about how you're feelin and worked this out.
And also if you get a chance to pick up some tacos or something on your way home, that'd be great.
Hey.
Look I know you're upset because Jane liked me.
Alright? But I hope you know I wouldn't never come between you and a girl.
And I really did not mean for that to happen.
I know you didn't.
That's the problem.
What? It's gonna happen wether you try or not.
Anytime I actually get a girl and bring her home, she'll take one look at you and she'll forget I'm even here.
Come on! Give yourself some credit.
You have so many gifts that I don't have.
You're really smart.
People respect your opinion about stuff.
That's a great thing.
Maybe I'd still rather have your gifts.
Yeah, me too.
You are on your way to big things.
'Cause you're only gonna get better with girls and stuff.
but I'll always suck at maths.
In like 5 years, you are gonna be a force to be reckon with.
Yeah.
And in 5 years You'll be 40.
You've a lot of your mother in you, don't you? Okay ladies and gentlemen modelling an original Gina Tribbiani hairstyle called "the nice and nasty" I give you Alex Garrett! Now that's a neighbour! Come on! Get your camera.
I wanna take some pictures! You look so different! I can't believe you own an outfit that slutty! Hey! That's mine! I wear that to church.
You're very nice to be such a good sport.
Can I tell you something? I love it! I feel like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman.
You know she was a hooker, right? I have to go look at myself in the miror again! An all new Will & Grace is coming up next! Right here on NBC.
Joey, I've got great news! Did I get that commercial? No! I bought a horse! Joey! I gotta get to school! Oh Hi! i'm Michael.
Have a sit! Joey! I completely forgot.
There's a residual check for you in the accounting department.
Why don't you go grab it? Alright! Okay, I'll be right back.
So.
Michael How do you feel about full frontal nudity? I'm not an actor.
Oh, yes, I know.