Joey s01e05 Episode Script

- Hey.
- Hey.
I need a drink! You sound just like Dad.
Dad didn't drink.
Oh, no, no, I know, but your voice is deep like a man's.
You want a beer? No, no.
I have an audition in an hour with this great theater company, and I have to memorize a monologue from Shakespeare's Richard III.
- Oh.
How's that going? - Bad.
Why would you even want to do Shakespeare? Well, you know, this could be a great opportunity for me, you know? Really turn things around, get people to take me as a serious actor.
Plus, I get to wear a crown.
You know, maybe it would help you to memorize it if you understood the dialogue.
Yeah, but it's like a whole other language.
Well, let me help you.
Let's start with the first line.
Okay, uh, "Now is the winter of our discontent.
" Interesting.
Uh, "made glorious summer by this sun of York.
" Oh, okay, sure.
"And all the clouds that lowered upon our house In the deep bosom of the ocean buried.
" - You want to get a pizza? - Oh, God, yes.
- Hey, Michael.
- Hey!.
Oh, how'd the Shakespeare audition go? I didn't get it.
I'm going to be the understudy.
That's great.
Michael, I don't know what that means in rocket science business, but in show business, it means you suck.
You're looking at this the wrong way.
If the lead actor gets sick, you're in.
This is an opportunity.
You just need to be ready to seize it when your moment comes.
- Yeah? - Yeah, absolutely.
Remember what happened to Lou Gehrig? One day, Wally Pipp got sick.
Lou filled in for him.
He was so good, he replaced him permanently.
The guy played, like, every single game for 13 years.
Michael, I can't play this part that long.
I'm supposed to go to SeaWorld in three weeks.
The point is you could get your big break, and you need to be ready.
Yeah, I'll just wait for my chance, then I'll go out there and be the bt Richard llI there ever was.
Well, actually, Sir Laurence Olivier set a pretty high standard for that one.
Hmm.
Maybe I should put a "Sir" in front of my name.
Ooh.
Girl, girl.
Girl, girl.
Well, hello.
Hi.
- Let me help you with that.
- Thanks.
And let me be the first to welcome you to the building.
Oh, actually, I'm moving out of my apartment here and in with my fiancé.
Oh.
Here you go.
Joey, she's moving out.
This is bad.
This is really bad.
Come on, Michael, you didn't have a chance with that girl.
I could still get her.
You want to see? No! Just look.
An apartment is open in the building.
My mother's going to want to move in.
- Really? - Yes! When I moved in, she asked me if there was an apartment open for her.
God, she hates being alone, and now I'm not there anymore to do yard work or move furniture around.
Whoa, whoa, uh, you move furniture? It's mostly wicker.
This cannot happen.
You have to help me.
All right, all right, all right.
Uh, well, we better take that sign down.
You better just back off, mister! Oh, get the! I didn't hit your car! You would know if I hit your car! I just totally hit that guy's car.
What's going on with you guys? Nothing.
Oh what do we have here? A plant for rent? California.
What a bunch of weirdos, huh? Yeah.
I'll go get nner ready.
Hey, guys.
- Hi, Gina.
- Hey, Howie.
Hey, did you notice anything different about me? Did you get shorter? No, I've been working out.
I have a Bowflex.
Good things are happeng to my body almost daily.
Well, I can make good things happen to your body almost daily, too.
I want to marry her.
Hey, that's not supposed to be here.
It's supposed to go over there.
Well, hey, Howie, listen, uh, we don't want Gina to know about the empty apartment right now, so maybe don't mention it to her.
Why can't she know? Uh, because if she finds out, she'll move into it, and we really don't want her living here.
- She'd move in here? - Howard - I want that.
- Howard, no.
- I'm gonna tell her.
Gina! - Howard.
Do you want to have another pizza night, just you and me? That was the best night ever! We watched Die Hard, and then you showed me your Days of Our Lives cast photo and pointed out everyone you slept with.
All right, well, we can do that again if you don't mention the empty apartment to Gina.
- Really? - Yeah, but this time, we can Die Harder.
The same thing happens, only this time, they're on a plane! Michael, guess what? Great news! The guy who plays Richard llI has been throwing up all day! Really? Yeah, yeah.
They think it might be serious- I'm going to get to go on! I'm so happy for you.
See, I told you.
So, how are the lines coming? Ah, yeah, words the worst part of acting.
I just I can't get that opening monologue.
I think I have too much information stored in my brain.
It's an interesting theory.
- Hey, guys.
- Hey.
Do you know what's been happening to the "for rent" signs I've been putting up? Yeah, yeah, we've been taking 'em down and tearing 'em up.
And why have you been doing that? Because if my mom finds out there's an apartment here, she'll want to move in immediately.
Oh.
Well, that might be okay.
We're getting along pretty well.
Really? You think you'd want her as a tenant? Okay, let's do a little role play, all right? I'll be Gina, and you come and ask me for the rent.
- Okay.
Gina - Bite me, Blondie! That felt so real.
Okay, you know what? You're right.
This can't happen.
She's crazy.
oa, whoa, whoa, Alex.
We can talk about her like that, but you can't.
- That's my sister.
- Yeah, that's my mother.
Oh, my God, I'm so sorry.
Ah, we're just messing with you.
She's crazy, so look, we have to find someone else to live in that apartment.
Is anybody interested in it? No.
I was thinking of having an open house.
Oh, oh, have one tomorrow.
She has to go to San Diego for a wig convention.
Ooh, San Diego.
Only 20 more days till SeaWorld.
Okay, this can totally work.
I-I just have to rent it to someone by tomorrow.
I just wish my husband were here.
He's t real salesman in the family.
- Oh, really? - Yeah.
The last apartment we had open, he rend no problem, even though there was bad plumbing, faulty heating, and there's mold in the walls.
Uh, weren't we the last people to move in? So, SeaWorld, huh? All hail King Meatball.
Hey, you gonna come see my play tonight, right? Pass up a chance to see you in makeup and tights? That's going to be my Christmas card.
So, you ready to go on? Yeah, yeah, I got everything down except that damn opening monologue.
Hey, what do you think about sitting in the front row and mouthing the words to me.
I don't know it.
You know it better than I do.
Hello.
Uh-huh.
Oh.
Okay.
Uh-huh.
Thanks.
Bye.
Uh-oh.
Paternity test results? No, that was the theater calling.
I'm going on tonight.
You knew that.
Different theater.
Different play.
What?! Well, I liked understudying so much, I took another job.
I over-understudied! Now, why would you do that? Well, I figured if I understudied in more than one thing, it'd increase my odds of getting on stage.
You know, you think just enough to really screw things up for yourself.
I know, I know! I can't believe this.
What are the chances that two people getting sick at the same time?! Well, it's flu season.
Get a flu shot! You didn't get a flu shot.
I'm not in a play! What am I going to do? Hey, Joey, there was a weird phone message for you.
Your producer called, said you were going on tonight.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, honey.
He knows already.
He's in two plays tonight.
Actually, I should hear this.
Well, okay, the message was "Trent's stuck in Florida, so they need you to play the part of Gus.
" You're in three plays? God! I was afraid it was Gus! Damn it, Trent! Unprofessional! Unprofessional! Unprofessional! So, what's the third play about? I don't remember! Joey, what are you going to do? I don't know.
I-I can only do one.
Don't do the one with the monologue in it, 'cause you don't know that very well.
Yeah, but I haven't studied the dancing in that cowboy thing at all.
I don't know it! Oh, please, do that one.
I can't believe this.
What are the chances? It's like everything is lining up to screw me! It's the understudy perfect storm! Joey! Thank you for coming in.
Listen, the reason that I called is No, no, no, no.
You-You didn't call me.
I called you.
Oh, good.
I was just about to make something up.
Okay, look, Bobbie, I got a real problem, and I need your help.
I took an understudy role in this play Oh, no! I hate plays! No, that's not the problem.
Oh, it gets worse?! Well, I signed up to understudy in three different plays, and they all want me to go on tonight.
What?! Oh, why can't you just have a coke problem like everyone else? I'll give that some thought.
All right,you have to do three plays at once.
Well, lucky for you, I am the queen of multitasking.
Right now, as we are talking, I am doing butt clenches, and I'm learning Spanish in this ear piece.
Me llamo Bobbie.
I'm trying to seduce a Mexican soap star.
All right, let's see if we can juggle these.
All three plays are at the same time? Uh, no, no, no.
One starts a little earlier.
Oh, and one I'm not in until the second act.
Great! So, you can do both of those.
And for the third, maybe we can get the actor to go on.
How am I going to do that? Well, I'd offer to call ani threaten to ruin his career, but it couldn't get much worse.
He's doing a play.
Oh, uh maybe I can just go talk to him.
You do that.
You'll think of something to say.
You're a big, bright guy.
Yeah, yeah, I get that a lot.
Really? Well, enough of that "¿Dónde esta la playa?" crap.
How do you say, "Take off my bra"? Quitame mi brassière.
Hey, Alex, how's the open house going? Okay.
We've had a few bites, but no one's really interested.
Oh, did you mention there's a celebrity living in the complex? There is? Who? Uh, Sir Joey Tribbiani.
Oh, yeah.
Well, let's keep that quiet.
We don't want the paparazzi crawling around here.
Oh, yeah.
I hate those bastards.
Always following me around in their helicopters.
All right, well, you'd better rent it soon, 'cause Gina's going to be back from San Diego in a couple of hours.
Okay, well, I'm doing the best I can.
It's not like I've got the greatest prospects here.
Well, look, don't be so choosy, all right? The important thing is to rent it to someone who's not my sister.
All right? And maybe someone who's hot.
And has Hollywood connections.
- And HDTV! - Get out of here! Hey, Michael.
Hey, looks like there's a lot of people at the open Hi, Gina.
You're here! Uh, what happened to your wig convention? Oh, a lot of stylists came down with the flu, so they canceled the whole thing.
Flu, you are killing me.
All right, Michael, I'm just gonna get your laundry, and I'll be on my way.
Okay, Ma.
How long has she been here? Did she see the open house? No, she came before it started, but now she has to stay 'till it's over.
So, how are we gonna keep her here? Uh Oh, wait.
Keeping her here will be easy.
What's her favorite thing to do in the world? Uh telling us what to do.
Be more specific.
Uh, telling me what to do.
Exactly.
So, just ask her advice about something.
Uh, like, what? Uh, all right, don't worry, I'll help.
I've been working on improv with my new theater company.
Watch me think on my feet.
This is scary.
All right, I got your laundry.
I'm gonna take off.
Okay, Mom, you know what? Stay.
Just 'cause I want to talk.
I have a problem.
With what? Well, it's a problem with A girl.
Yes, with-with a girl.
- Really? What's her name? - Raisin.
Yes, uh, her-her name is Raisin, and she's a little bit Cajun! Sh-She's a little bit Cajun.
And her father's a dirty cop! Okay, I'm glad you came to me about this.
Here's what you're gonna do.
Wait, you actually have some advice about my Cajun girlfriend Raisin? First, there's a few things that you two need to get straight, okay? Okay, great.
I'm taking off.
Joey, where are you going? It turns out, time-wise, I can still do Richard III, and then make it across town for the second act in the cowboy musical.
So now, I got to convince the sick actor in the third play that he's well enough to go on instead of me.
Okay, I'm ready.
Hey, Tim.
Who are you? It's me, Joey, your understudy.
What are you doing here? Oh, ah, your roommate let me in.
I just really wanted to thank you for giving me the chance to go on tonight.
And I want you know to know that I am not gonna let you down.
I've been busy making the role of Harry my own.
You mean Henry.
Good thing I'm getting out of this one.
Anyway, I-I just wanted to tell you a little story, Tim.
Do you like baseball? Not really.
But I like A-Rod.
He's yummy.
Amen.
Hmm.
Yeah, anyway, uh, you remind me of this first baseman, Wally Pipp.
Why? Did he die with an understudy in his room? No no, but he was sick one day, and he allowed a young, no-name backup to come into the game for him.
And he never made it back into the lineup.
- You know why? - Why? Because his replacement turned out to be Lou Gehrig, one of the most beloved figures in baseball, hitting almost 500 home runs.
- You do know what a home run is? - I'm not that gay.
Sorry.
Anyway, I just, uh, just wanted to leave you with that little story before I go out tonight and act one out of the park.
Wait, why are you telling me this? Are you threatening me? If I was, would it work? Is this a kind of All About Eve situation? If it was, would it work? You know, maybe I am starting to feel a little better.
- Really? - Yeah.
I think I can go on tonight.
Well, hey, if that's what you want, Tim, I'm not gonna be the one to stop you.
If only I hadn't stopped by! You know, coming in here and trying to talk me into going on- you may be the worst understudy ever.
You have no idea.
Hey, did you rent the apartment yet? I did, finally.
Actually, to a really nice girl who just moved here from New York.
Uh-oh.
I hope it's not someone I slept with and never called back.
I doubt it.
I mean, what are the odds? Actually, quite high, yeah.
Come on, let's go tell Michael the good news.
Well, she really sounds worth fighting for, but, remember, the Cajun are an emotional people.
Okay, Mom.
Uh, thanks for the advice.
And I want to meet this Raisin.
Oh, that's actually gonna be difficult, 'cause she lives In a submarine.
She, uh She lives on a submarine.
All right.
I'm gonna take off.
Okay, okay.
Keeping this secret's been torturing me.
I can't eat, I can't sleep, I can barely Bowflex.
Gina, there's an apartment for rent across the way.
What?! They didn't want me to tell you, but, I want you to live here.
I think you deserve to know 'cause you're super, super pretty.
No more Die Hard for you, Howie.
Really? 'Cause I just ordered pizza.
Bring it down, and we'll talk.
Did you know about this? Hey, hey, hey, she had nothing to do with it.
It's true.
I-I would have rented it to you in a second.
I love having you around.
In fact - Bite me, Blondie.
- Okay.
Wow.
So, all day you've been trying to keep me from finding out about this place.
You guys must have really not wanted me to live here, huh? Look, Gina, I just I just thought it would be better for Michael.
Look, Mom, I'm sorry.
I just I like things the way they are.
I like having my own space.
Me, too.
What? Look, there was a time, not too long ago, when I would have wanted to live the and be closer to you.
But I have to say, this is kind of working out for me.
I mean, I went straight from being a kid to raising a kid.
I've never rlly lived alone before.
I've never lived alone, either.
And it's scary, but it's nice.
I gothe whole place to myself.
I can listen to bad music whenever I want.
I can light my smelly candles that you hate, and I can take super-long baths.
He's always interrupting my baths! I guess I'm figuring out who I am away from you, and it's strange, but I'm kind of having fun.
What? It's just, it's-it's weird.
You know? I-I guess, I didn't want you to smother me, but now that you're not doing it anymore, it's actually kind of sad.
You know, I guess things are changing.
Yeah.
In fact, maybe you should start doing your own laundry.
And maybe you guys should start cooking for yourselves, too.
Hey, you are this boy's mother! Now is the winter of our discontent What's the next line? What's the next line?! Oh, God, please, help me get through this, and I promise, from now on, I will not understudy for more than two plays at once.
Now is the winter of our discontent Made glorious summer by this son of York, And all the clouds that lowered upon our house in the deep bosom of the ocean buried.
Now are our brows bound with victorious wreaths, Our bruisèd arms hung up for monuments, Our stern alarms changed to merry meetings, Our dreadful marches to delightful measures.
Also, enjoy the cowboys! An all new Will & Grace is coming up nest right here on NBC.
I can't believe I finally nailed that speech.
It was in the wrong play but still I would like to make a toast to my brother.
To his L.
A.
stage debut! To acting! To acting! To independence! to independance! And to Micheal and Raisin! To Micheal and Raisin! RaceMan ww.
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