Joey s01e06 Episode Script

Joey and the Nemesis

Do I smell Mom's special chicken noodle soup? That's right.
Box of Lipton's and a cut-up hot dog.
Man, that woman can cook! What are you so happy about? It's Michael- he's sick.
And that's a good thing? Yeah, a sick boy needs his mother.
I'm necessary again.
Oh, look at him! He looks so pale.
Dude, you look awful.
Yeah, I feel awful.
I think I got the flu.
Oh, don't you tease me! Come on, sit down, honey.
I want to take your temperature.
You have a thermometer? Uh, I think I do, yeah.
When I left Days of Our Lives, I took a whole box of their stuff.
They just let you take all that stuff? When you shove it down your pants, they don't seem to mind.
Why is there writing all over everything? Oh, that's dialogue.
I used the props as cheat sheets when I had to remember difficult medical jargon.
"Hi, I'm Dr.
Ramoray.
" That took 20 takes.
Man, this stuff really takes me back.
All those years playing a doctor, I feel like I actually became one, you know? And these were the tools of my trade.
Knee hammer ear looker necklace.
Hi.
I'm here to read for the part of "Outraged Man.
" Just sign in right here.
Like hell I will! Sorry, I bet people have been doing that all day.
Nope, you're the only one.
All right.
Sure are a lot of people here for such a small part.
There are no small parts only small actors.
You mean children? I kinda need to go over my lines.
Not me.
Got it all right up here.
Nope.
Hey, buddy, you need to look on? Yeah, thanks, man.
All right.
Got it.
I'm Brian Michael David Scott.
That's a lot of names.
I'm a lot of actor.
I'm Joey Tribbiani.
Oh, please, I know who you are.
Dr.
Drake Ramoray from Days of Our Lives.
I'm a big fan of your work.
Really? Well, thanks, man.
I'd offer you a Days of Our Lives T-shirt, but I only got two left, and I like to trade those for sex.
So, I guess we'll be seeing a lot of each other.
You know, probably up for a lot of the same roles- male, mid-'30s, dangerous, but sensitive.
Man, this audition is taking a long time.
I'm going to call my agent.
Speed dial Hi, Lisa, it's Bri-Mi.
Look Huh? What?! You're kidding? No, wait, wait, don't blame yourself.
I'll call you back.
Bad news, man.
They canceled this audition.
They gave the part to someone else.
And no one here told us? Now I really am Outraged Man.
Well, who'd they give it to? Probably somebody who's willing to sleep with the producers.
That's how this town works, isn't it? There, I said it! Well, I guess we can go then, huh? You know, you go.
I'm going to stick around.
My, uh, apartment doesn't have air-conditioning.
- Really great meeting you, Brian - Brian Michael David Scott.
- How do you feel about "Dude"? - Awesome, my brotha.
Joey Tribbiani? Joey? Hey, did-did someone say my name? No.
Uh, no one did.
But someday soon, everyone will.
I'm going to go fix you more tea.
Hey, Gina, look, uh, you've been here for a couple days now without a break.
Why don't you let me take over, you know? Go have a little "Gina time".
I don't have "Gina time" anymore.
I'm a mother.
I don't go out.
I don't go on dates.
I don't have fun.
I don't do anything for myself anymore.
So, you got those for Michael? She's not going anywhere.
How you feeling? Not great.
But everything's going to be fine tomorrow.
How do you figure? Well, if she doesn't leave by then, I'm gonna kill myself.
Don't be so dramatic.
She said we're going to "flush" my system, Joey.
I don't know what that means.
Yeah, your grandmother was the same way when I was sick.
I've had my system flushed.
Makes you ask yourself some big questions.
Come on, Joey, you got to get up.
Michael's about to take his nap in here.
She makes me take a nap every day at 1:00.
Not tomorrow, though.
Fine, all right, I'll go watch TV in my room.
No, no, no.
You can't.
I put the humidifier in there.
It's filling up with steam.
What? You just take over my room? I've got private stuff in there.
Well, if you're worried about me reading your diary, it's too late.
"Dear Diary, Gina's mean to me " That's going straight in the book.
Look, Gina, I know Michael's sick.
But this is my apartment.
I need some space.
Look, why don't you just go to my place? You can stay there till he gets better.
I don't want to do that.
There's lasagna in the fridge, and I have Cinemax.
Get me the keys.
No, thank you, thank you.
It's easy when the words are this good.
- Hey, dude.
- Hey, Joey! - How'd you do in there? - Really well.
Hey, I know we're in competition for this thing, but you know what? If I don't get it, I hope that you do.
How 'bout that? You are awesome.
No, I'm just Brian Michael David Scott, Joey.
Hey, you added a "Joey"! - Joey Tribbiani? - Yeah, right here.
Oh, hey, buddy.
Listen.
I got some inside info on this audition, and I wouldn't feel right about leaving without sharing it with my new best friend.
Oh, great.
What do you got? Uh, this casting director is deaf, so you gotta scream all your lines.
Thanks.
That is good to know.
Maybe your husband's funeral isn't the best place to tell you this, but I love you, Sharon! I love you with all my heart! So, when will I know if I got it?! What's the middle finger in sign language? Yeah, well, Mother, I don't understand what you're so upset about.
So, they're going to remove your uterus? What do you need it for? Look, I gotta go.
Yeah, I love you, too.
Bye! What'd you want to see me about? Well, I wanted to explain to you how the business works.
See, you book a job, and I get ten percent.
Do you know what ten percent of zero is? Uh, six goes into 40 Oh, God! I have never wanted to slap you more.
Look, you are screwing up your career! You don't show up for an audition, you scream at a casting director Well, the only reason I did that is 'cause he's deaf.
Who told you that? This actor.
I see him at all my auditions.
He gives me pointers.
Oh, wait a second.
Is he the reason why you went into an audition, you threw away your script and you start barking? Yeah.
Did I get that part? Oh, Joey, he's messing with your head.
What? Yeah, your little friend is shoving crap up your pooper.
Joey you're such a sweet, naive guy.
But you can't let people take advantage of you.
I really liked him.
I can't believe this.
I can't believe they take the fat out of my ass and put it in my lips, but they do.
"But then she surprises me.
Like tonight, she generously offered me her place to stay Well, I guess that's all for now.
Until tomorrow.
Sincerely " "Love, Joey.
" Hey, baby doll.
- What?! - What? What? Wha?! - Who-who are you?! - Who are you?! - I'm Roger! - I'm Joey! Well, that doesn't help us at all! I'm Gina's boyfriend! Gina doesn't have a boyfriend! I'm her brother.
I would know.
You're her brother? Oh, you're not supposed to know about me.
Can you just pretend you don't know what's going on? I don't know what's going on! Now all we do is decide which one of us gets to stay.
Get out of here! Hey.
So, I found out about your little secret last night.
Oh, my God.
Last night was Wednesday.
I forgot.
Poor Roger! Poor Roger?! Poor Roger's bed buddy! That guy's all hands! Look, let's not make a big deal about this, okay? He's just some guy I've been seeing.
Well, so why didn't you just tell me about him? Because I knew you would tell Michael.
So? So, he doesn't like to know about that stuff.
When he was 12, and I was seeing this guy, he built a BioDome in the backyard, and he wouldn't come out till I stopped dating him.
- What's a BioDome? - It's, like, a nerd fort.
Look, he's an adult, all right? You can tell him if you're dating someone.
It's silly not to.
What's going on? Okay, Michael, come here.
Your mother has something that she wants to tell you.
Have a seat.
Okay, you know that I'm a woman, and that I have needs.
Oh, I don't like the direction of this at all.
I've been dating somebody.
It's been going on a couple of months now.
Look, I know how sensitive you are.
Are you okay? I'm fine.
Um I just I need some time to process this.
Can you can you just give me a minute? Of course.
Yes! Yes! Yes! All right! What am I excited about? Don't you get it? She's finally met someone.
Therefore, I'm no longer the only thing in her life.
Wow! That is good.
It's great! She could fall in love.
They could get married.
What if he's one of those guys who wants to be with her every minute, and is jealous of her son, and he and he turns her against me? Think of it! Yeah, yeah.
We could be free.
We could do whatever we want.
We could we could walk around here naked! We can! But let's not! Sorry, buddy.
My parts are begging to breathe.
We need to encourage my mom.
I need to give her my blessing.
Maybe we can have him over here.
- Yeah, yeah.
- This is incredible.
It's the greatest day of my life.
Come here! Could you just just give us a minute? Hey, Joey.
Listen, I'm next, but a little heads up on this casting director.
She just had a boob job, and if you don't comment on them right away, she'll get very upset.
Not this time, Brian Michael David Scott.
Hey, you got it right.
Yeah.
I wrote it on my hand so I wouldn't forget.
Why didn't you just write it on a piece of paper? Oh, you'd like that, wouldn't you? Look, I know you been screwing me out of all these jobs, and I want to know why right now.
Okay, okay.
You want to know why? It's because I'm intimidated by you.
Oh, sure you are.
No, really.
When I saw you at that first audition, I was, like, "I should just go home.
This guy's amazing.
" Yeah.
Well, the director from yesterday doesn't think so.
I barked at him and licked his face.
- I never told you to lick him.
- I was in the moment! Look, I'm sorry I tricked you, but what am I supposed to do? I'm just a hack who's lucky to get a job.
You're Joey Tribbiani.
You're a real actor.
Hey, look, man, there are no real actors.
Only small children.
I can't believe I treated you this way.
I want to make it up to you.
I'm next.
They told me, "Go in whenever you're ready.
" You take my place.
I'm not even going to audition.
- Really? - Yeah.
I've been a jerk.
For me, please.
Knock 'em dead.
Damn you! Pick up milk! Brian Michael David Scott! Okay, you guys.
Roger is going to be here any minute to pick me up.
Honey, you sure you're okay meeting Roger? Well, I can't say it's going to be easy meeting the guy who's going to take my mother away, but I'll try to keep an open mind.
God, what a knock! I approve.
Go to him.
- Hey, Gina.
- Hey.
Roger, you know Joey.
Know him? We were in bed together.
Hey, don't kiss and tell, Rog.
And I'd like you to meet my Michael.
Hey! What's shaking, little man? He is the chosen one.
Why don't you guys sit down, get to know each other? Perhaps a cocktail is in order? I trust everyone here likes Jager? Hey, so, Roger, we're so glad you're with Gina.
We've never seen her happier.
Really? She's always yelling at me, and calling me names.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
That's how we Tribbianis show affection.
Nerd.
Washed-up soap actor.
Virgin.
Here we go.
Three Jagers and one NyQuil.
Here you go, Papa.
Did I just call you that? It felt so natural.
We better get going if we want to make that movie.
I'm just going to go fix my face so I look presentable for my gentleman friend.
So, Rog, uh what do you do for a living? Well, I was working for a big construction company in Newport, but I lost a toe on the job.
Oh, man, I'm sorry.
Oh, don't be.
I made a ton of money off it.
I mean, one minute, I'm standing on this table saw drinking beer.
The next minute, I got all these suits shoving checks at me.
Great.
Yeah, but I burnt through that money pretty quick, so I gotta figure out a way to get some more cash.
- Not another toe? - No, no, no, no, no.
I'm gonna lose a finger.
Thinking about losing a pinkie.
And there's so many ways you can lose a finger.
You godrills, saws, sanders, punch presses Whoops! Better get used to not using that one, huh? Uh Well, work's not everything.
I'm sure you have some cool hobbies.
I like a nice pair of jeans.
Jeans? That that's a hobby? I'm not a professional or anything.
We should probably get going.
Okay.
It was really good to meet you guys.
And a little tip.
You slip in the movie theater bathroom and hit your head on the sink free popcorn.
What's the matter with you? Don't be doing this.
That's Roger after his next job! Okay, so he's different.
Joey, the important thing is he likes her, and he's taking her off my hands.
Whoa, whoa, Michael.
That's really selfish.
What's more important, your space or your mother's happiness? My space.
And I had to pretend to think about it.
How was your movie? We were late.
We drove by a Levi's store, and Roger got sidetracked.
Okay, we have to talk.
Michael, you got anything you want to say to your mother about Roger? I think he's a keeper.
No, he's not.
Gina, this guy's a joke.
Look, I know Roger's not the brightest or the funniest or the most ambitious But? Well, it's not like I have a lot of choices.
Most guys my age are looking to date 20-year-olds, not go out with someone with a 20-year-old.
He's the best I can do.
I'm not a great catch.
What are you talking about? You could always have anyone you wanted.
That was a long time ago, Joey.
Now I take what I can get.
Take what you can get? Mom, no.
That's that's not okay.
You're You deserve a lot better.
I thought you liked him.
I did but that's when I was lying.
I just thought that it would be good for you to have someone in your life so you wouldn't have to worry about me so much.
You know? I mean, am a grown man.
You're gonna fill out some, right? And you are a catch.
Are you kidding me? You're smart and you're funny and you're beautiful.
All my friends have crushes on you, Mom.
Yeah, well, I'm like, the third girl those guys have seen.
Look, you just gotta hold out until you find someone great, okay? And, when you do, even that guy's not going to be good enough, as far as I'm concerned.
Oh, Joey.
And, you know, I wa't going to tell you this before,but my fever is back.
You're so good to me.
An all new Wlll & Grace is coming up next.
Right here on NBC.
Okay, look, I know you're probably still mad about that staiwell thing but I saved your life.
Right after you got locked in there, - three masked gunmen bursted into - No more crap up my pooper! You're about to be very sorry you ever messed with Joey Tribbiani.
You got a phone call from your agent this morning? Hello, Bri-Mi, it's Liza, the location of your audition's been changed.
What? The Location wasn't changed.
That audition is going on right now on the other side of the town, my brother! I was perfect for that part! Too bad! So you better think long and hard before you mess with me again because from now on I'm fighting back! Are we clear? Yeah.
Except for one thing: if I'm missing that audition Oh yeah! Aren't you missing it too? Come on! I'll give you a ride.