Joey s01e09 Episode Script

Joey is not back from his date, uh? No.
I can't believe Donna's telling him her husband wants to get back together.
He's gonna be crushed, so we have to be here to help him.
Oh, of course.
Man, it's just it's weird for me to think of him as vulnerable.
He's like a superhero to me.
And not just because he always puts on a cape and jumps down the stairs.
Hey, how was your date? So great.
So, you didn't talk about anything? Oh, we talked about everything- movies, sports, those commercials where it seems like Howie Long and Teri Hatcher are married.
- Unbelievable.
- I know.
What a weird couple.
What did she say when you asked her to stay? Oh, I didn't get around to that.
But after tonight, I think she might want to.
Listen, Joey there something I have to tell you about Donna, something she should've told you already.
Oh, my God, we're related?! Why so many cousins?! No.
Ron called her, and he wants to get back together, and she doesn't know what to do.
What? I'm sorry.
Wow.
I can't believe this.
This sucks.
There's no way I stand a chance against Ron.
They have years together.
Joey, wait.
If you really want this, you have to fight for her.
You have to pull out all the stops.
I've never had to fight for a girl before.
I guess I've seen people do it in movies, but I can't just make Donna choose me by winning the Super Bowl with the help of a talking dolphin! I swear, we have 500 channels, and all you watch is HBO Family? Joey, look, you have the advantage.
You're here and he's not.
It's true, you know? This is your chance.
Yeah, you're right.
I can do this.
I'm gonna fight for her, and I'm gonna win.
- No, you don't need your cape.
- Right.
Hey, Joey.
Look, uh, Gina told me about Ron.
We need to talk.
Oh, I hate talking.
Wouldn't you rather make out? Look, I like the way you deal with problems, but this is serious.
Joey, I'm sorry, I'm just so confused.
Well, I'm not.
Okay? And I'm willing to do whatever it takes to make this work.
But I need you to decide what you want.
Now, it's obvious how I feel, but you have to figure out how you feel.
I've only been on the receiving end of that speech, so if you want advice on what to do now, I like to pretend I see someone stealing my car and just run out the door.
I just feel so torn.
Ron and I have a lot of history, but on the other hand, things haven't been good with him for a long time.
And I feel like things could be great with you, but I don't know.
Then give me a week.
Okay? Let me show you what this could be.
Let me prove to you that you should be with me instead of Ron.
I don't know if I should make him wait that long.
- I told him about you, and he flipped out.
- So what? You deserve to be happy.
Let me try to make you happy.
- Okay, I'll give you a week.
- Great.
All right, I'm gonna go plan it.
What are your three favorite things? - Food, sex, watching TV.
- See ya, Ron! Hey, Michael.
I'm trying to plan this romantic week with Donna.
Do you know any nice bed-and-breakfasts in the area? Uh, actually, yes.
Mom and I went to a great one in Santa Barbara.
They thought we were a couple, they put rose petals on our beds- it was pretty disturbing.
Hey, guys.
So you called my friend about your computer, huh? Yes.
He came by yesterday.
Thank you very much.
What was wrong with it? Her Unix kernel couldn't read command line prompts anymore because the frontside bus had stopped communicating with the memory cache.
I just love that a guy I'm related to says crap like that.
Anyway, he totally fixed my computer.
And the best part is, he didn't even charge me for it.
- Yeah, that figures.
- What do you mean? Well, you're a hot girl.
Hot girls get stuff for free.
Yeah, it's true.
It's in the Constitution.
Look, I know what I am.
I'm not a hot girl.
I'm cute.
You're a hot girl who doesn't know she's hot.
Joey was telling me about those.
No, I know hot girls.
My sister is one of them.
"The even hotter sister"- one of four ways a girl doesn't realize she's hot.
Along with, "went to a girls' school," "used to be fat," and "is blind.
" You have learned well, young Michael.
Okay, well, say what you want, but that is not why he didn't charge me.
People don't see me that way.
- You ever get a speeding ticket? - No.
- Hot girl.
- Hot girl.
No, that's because I talk my way out of tickets, using my intelligence.
I'm not a hot girl.
I am not a hot girl! I am.
What do you need? Great.
Okay, Gina, you're the perfect person to talk to.
I have one week to convince Donna that she should be with me instead of Ron, and I'm trying to come up with stuff that she might be into.
Uh just give her what any woman would like.
Take her away to a nice hotel.
Buy her flowers.
- Take her to a fancy dinner.
- Great, great.
What else? Um, there's a cool exhibit at the Museum of Natu Hey, you know where you should take her? Michael and I went to this great bed-and-breakfast in Santa Barbara.
They thought we were a couple, they put rose petals on the bed.
It was amazing! You guys should do that again.
Hey, Howard.
Yard sale, huh? Yup.
Got to make way for the new Howard.
I'm on Atkins, I joined a coed softball league, so look out, world! Everything must go.
Except my chair.
I got to have a place to sit.
On account of the gout.
So, broken, huh? You know, I could probably salvage the motion sensor from this.
But 50 bucks? - It cost a lot more than that.
- Yeah, but it's broken.
- How about $20? - I don't think so.
All right, how about $30? How about you stop hogging Joey all the time?! Hey, hot girl.
More free stuff? No, I paid for this.
And, look, I know you think that "hot girl" is a compliment, but I don't.
You should see my sister and the stuff she gets away with.
When she wants something, she puts on this little act.
"Oh, What a cute doggie.
I wish I had enoughmoney to buy him.
" - Oh, you like him? - I love him.
- I love you.
- Take it.
What? He's yours.
So you're just giving this to me because Yeah.
Because.
- I am a hot girl! -I told you.
Oh, that's so cool! Oh, great, hog her now, too! Come on! Okay, I'm all set for Santa Barbara.
Now, while I'm gone, don't you do anything I wouldn't do.
- You mean read? - Exactly.
So, what do you have planned for Donna? Uh, we're going for a hot air balloon ride, wine tasting, and then horseback riding on the beach.
Oh, that sounds perfect.
We never did anything like that! You, uh, you think she'll like it? Oh, honey, if she doesn't, I'll talk some sense into her.
No, no, no, you stay out of it.
I don't want you going crazy on her.
Why do you think I'd do that? Please.
You're the only person I know who's banned for life from two K-Marts.
I do not respect their return policy! All right, I'm gonna go pick up Donna.
I am so excited.
I just want this to work so badly.
I want her to forget alabout Ron.
Oh, Joey, don't worry about him- he's 3,000 miles away.
Yeah, you're right.
Donna, open up.
It's Ron! If he's 3,000 miles away, he's loud.
Ron, what are you doing here? I'm taking Donna back to New York.
And while I'm at it, I thought I'd beat the crap out of Joey Tribbiani! What do you think of that, Joey? - Um, actually - Kick his ass, Joe! Uh, look, i'm not Joey, ok? He's Joey Damnit, it's never the skinny guy! Listen, I came here to get Donna, I'm not going back without her.
Now, where is she? - She's not staying here.
She's - Gone.
Yeah.
She said it was over between us.
What, she just took off? I guess I could try to call her.
Can I use your phone? Yeah, yeah, sure.
Whatever you need, buddy.
Here.
You, uh, you want some privacy? Yeah, that'd be great.
What are you doing? You said you wanted me to fight for her? Okay, I'm fighting for her.
But you just lied to that guy.
- That's wrong.
- Michael!You embarrass me.
Look, Ron's had five years to prove they should be together.
All I want is my one week.
And if I have to be crafty, okay, then I will.
Then why'd you give him the phone and let him call her? 'Cause I suck at crafts! Okay, we can't let them talk.
What do I do? Gina, I'm not gonna strangle him with the phone cord.
Oh, I get it, okay, got it.
All right, so what are you gonna do? Well, uh, okay, I'm just gonna take her away, like I planned, right? She doesn't even need to know he was here.
You go get Donna.
I'll take care of Ron.
I'll make sure he doesn't get in your way.
Okay, you think you can keep him in the dark the whole time I'm gone? I tried calling, but the phone went dead.
Oh, th-there was an earthquake.
All the phone lines in the city are down.
Really? Ooh, wait.
Was that an aftershock? - Think I can handle it.
- You'll be okay.
All right.
Oh, how about this place for our next trip? Nestled in the heart of wine country.
Private hot tubs, fireplace in every room, a lovers' paradise.
What? Get a girlfriend, and I'll stop doing this.
Hey.
I got a free muffin at the coffee shop.
See, what did I tell you? Hey, Mom, Alex has discovered that as an attractive woman she can get stuff from people.
Yeah, now I've got Howard moving boxes down to storage for me.
This one's really heavy.
This is so exciting.
Wait, all you're having Howard do is move stuff for you? You could do a lot better than that, believe me.
What kind of stuff have you gotten? Oh, free drinks, flight upgrades, concert tickets.
Piano lessons, SAT prep courses.
Wow! A free muffin is, like, nothing.
I guess I should think bigger.
You'd better, 'cause when you're on your deathbed, you don't want to look back at your life and say, "I wish I had more free stuff.
" Are the earthquakes over? Can I come out now? No.
We'll tell you when.
Get back in the closet.
Oh this place is so romantic.
Don't you love bed and breakfasts? I've never actually been to one before, which is weird because beds and breakfasts are my two favorite things.
I bet I know what number three is.
Yeah.
Baby tigers.
In the morning, would the lady like a Los Angeles Times or a New York Times? - Neither.
- Excellent choice.
What are you doing? - I just want to see if anyone called.
- No, don't check your phone.
- Why? - Because we're here to get away from all this stuff.
What's so important that it can't wait a couple of days? Well, my sister was supposed to have a baby Shh let all those worries just wash away.
Come on, let's have some time just the two of us.
Well, that does sound nice.
This is gonna be so great.
I have so many plans.
We're going to go horseback riding, wine tasting, hot air balloon ride.
See, this is so wonderful.
This is why I want to be with you.
- You do? - Well, yeah.
Ron would never do anything like this.
He never made an effort to let me know he cared.
You're about the big gestures.
You're fighting for me.
He'd never fight for me.
huh.
Yeah, um But you guys had other problems, right? I mean, what you had was never really special.
I wouldn't say that.
We were married.
I may have blacked out for most of my wedding day, but I remember those vows.
If Ron were to do something to show you that he cared, like, I don't know, fly cross-country and beg you to come back, would that make a difference? It doesn't matter.
He'd never do that.
Okay, look, Donna.
I, uh I have to tell you something.
What? You know how you said it was great that I brought you here and that Ron wouldn't do this kind of thing? Well, that's not entirely true.
You didn't really bring me here? Oh, God, I'm gonna miss you so much.
Oh, hey, I wanted to tell you that I took your advice about taking it to the next level with the whole "hot" thing.
Oh, yeah? Good for you.
Yeah, there are men in our apartment right now working.
And I'm working "it" right back, if you know what I mean.
Do you know what you mean? "It" is my butt, maybe? Sure, why not? - Oh, no.
- What? This is a bill from that guy who fixed my computer the other day.
He charged me $80.
Oh, I knew it.
I'm not hot, I'm just cute.
Oh, my God, I think I stole that muffin.
Oh, hang on a second.
This does not mean you are not hot.
It just means you're not $80 hot.
What about the guys in there? That's a lot more than $80.
What are you having them do? A stereo system.
In-wall.
Sub-woofer? I'll take care of this.
I rock.
I just got Blondie a new stereo system at cost with free installation, plus a trade discount from a gay dude.
Hey, it's Joey and Donna.
Wait a minute She was with you the whole time? Look, I know you're mad at me.
And you probably want to kick Michael's ass.
But I'm trying to do the right thing, okay? And I think you two should be together.
So why don't you guys talk? So what do you have to say to me? I don't know, what do you have to say to me? I don't know, what do you Okay, okay I don't want to speak for Donna, but I really want this night to be over, so, Ron Donna loves you.
When we were driving over here, she told me that you understood her better than anyone in the whole world.
And that she wants to spend the rest of her life with you her soul mate.
That's the sweetest thing you've ever said to me.
Donna this guy has so much passion for you that he flew all the way across the country to say he loves you and that he's not going back to New York without you.
I've never heard you talk like this before.
Okay.
So, I got you started.
You guys can take it from here.
I miss doin' you so much.
- Really? - Okay, let's call it a night.
Bye, Gina.
Take care.
- And, Joey - Hey, it's okay.
No, I need to say this.
I just It was real, you know I know.
It was great.
And in another time, another place, it could have been something more.
I've never been the smartest person in the room before.
That's a lot of work.
I am so sorry, honey.
That couldn't have been easy.
It wasn't.
It just hurts so much.
Well, if it makes you feel any better, it could be worse.
Once at this hi-tech conference, me getting rejected by a girl was accidentally broadcast to lecture halls on four continents.
I feel like I've seen that.
It's been going around the Internet.
- I'm so sorry it didn't work out.
- Me, too.
It was just nice having someone to take care of and do nice things for.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
I mean, usually with me it's "How little can I do?" and "How fast can I move on to the next thing?" Maybe I'll try a little more of this.
Want me to fix you up with someone? Uh, no.
I think I've had enough of your friends for a while.
You want me to fix you up with someone? Thanks, Michael.
- Hey.
- Hey.
How you doing? Eh.
I'm working on an audition for tomorrow Maybe i could use all this heartache and stuff and you know, make my performance more powerful.
Check it out: "Oh, boy, spicy saucages, Mama mia!" I'm sorry you got left alone this weekend.
Where are Michael and Gina, anyway? Oh, this place is just the way I remembered it.
Yep.
There are those rose petals.